Carolyn Hax (The Post)

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Tell Me About It
Hosted by Carolyn Hax
Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, Jan. 31, 2003; Noon ET

Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.

Appearing every Wednesday, Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ฎ offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 30-something repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that’s about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.

The transcript follows.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

To read the most recent responses, click "Get New Responses" or select "Automatically Update Page."

London, UK: Hi Carolyn

I have two roommates. One of them recently had rather too much to drink on a residential training course, slept with a colleague and decided to tell her boyfriend.

While obviously this is her and her boyfriend's problem, it seems to have rebounded on the rest of us.

The boyfriend now insists on calling her at 5:30 every morning to check she is at home and alone in her bed. 5:30 a.m. is at least an hour before anyone needs to get up, and the noise of the phone wakes all of us up. I asked whether he couldn't call her on her cellphone (which could then be kept behind her bedroom door) but apparently that gives too much scope for her being elsewhere.

I find this weird and if I were in boyfriend's shoes would just dump her rather than check up on her constantly. Other roommate thinks the same, but I guess it's not really our business.

Is there anything we can do other than just suck it up and buy an extension cable so the phone can be shut in straying housemate's bedroom every night? We don't see why we should all suffer from her mistake and her suspicious bf.

Carolyn Hax: What is wrong with people.

Next time there's a 5:30 phone call, you need to be the one who picks up and tells this jerk that other people live here, too.

Carolyn Hax: Starting early 'cause I don't know how long I'll last. Long story.

In the workplace: What should I do when unwanted advances come from a co-worker and that co-worker is an intern? I'm in a professional office in my late 20s, and there is a college-age intern who has started to behave in ways that make me uncomfortable (hand always on my shoulder when I'm sitting in a chair, standing in my personal space when we are talking in the hallway, etc.), but are not overtly over the line.

Do I just wait it out for a few more weeks until the intern is gone? If I say something, what do I say? I don't want it to get turned around on me -- creating a sexual issue where none might have existed.

Carolyn Hax: "May I please have a little more space? Thank you." I've had to use it at ATMs and in supermarket checkout lines (HATE it when people crowd me at the register), and so I don't think it necessarily has to be treated/perceived as a sexual issue. If he gets huffy, make a close-talker reference (unless he's too young to get even that, horrors).

State of boredom: Hello Carloyn, Lisa and Peanuts: Please please weigh in on this:

Last night I blew up at my husband because I was completely bored with how I am living my life. We both get home after 7 p.m. (Although I usually get home an hour earlier), cook dinner, eat dinner, do dishes, watch TV, go to bed. This life is drving me crazy. We live in the middle of the city! Sure, there are alot of things I can do on my own but I would like to spend more quality time with him and it isnt happening. A large part of this is because it so damn cold here and its impossible to get out. But I also think we have gotten too comfortable -- not much to talk about, not much to discuss, really. It's awful and it's been getting me down and yesterday I finally told him that I was getting cabin fever and going crazy sitting on our couch all night and then going to bed (we have a tiny apartment on top of everything else). He didn't respond at all (probably because I raised my voice and he hates that). Do you have any suggestions for us? For me? How to snap out of this?

Please advise.

Carolyn Hax: Don't bitch, do--sign up for a wine tasting/ballroom dancing class or theater subscription.

Washington, D.C.: I received a wedding invitation with a small cards inside that indicated where the couple was registered (the cards were pre-printed by the stores). I thought it was tacky to mention gifts at all in an invite. Or has this changed? Just wondering.

Carolyn Hax: No, it's still tacky.

Washington, D.C.: Your advice, please, on a situation that is very frustrating for me.

Brother is married to a very good friend of mine (friend and I dated briefly in high school, and have been close friends since -- and just so there's no confusion, my concern is not motivated by any interest in making a move on ex-girlfriend -- I'm very happy with my current boyfriend). Anyway, my brother and my friend have been married for nearly 10 years. She's miserable being married to him, but won't leave for a lot of reasons, I guess, but always tells me that she won't because she doesn't want her three kids to grow up with divorced parents -- read some book that says that that's awful.

But, he treats her miserably. Calls her crazy and stupid (she went to Dartmouth!), demeans her in front of their kids, and has even pushed her a couple times when they were arguing. Terrible -- terrible -- situation.

My question is -- is there any role for me to urge her to rethink her decision about whether to stay in this marriage? I am worried about her, obviously, and am also very worried about the effect that living in this environment is having on my nieces and nephew.

Please don't suggest that I should talk to my brother -- that's a non-starter -- since I'm gay I can't have any insight on relationships with a woman (yeah, he's really messed up). (We haven't been that close since I came out.)

She's tried counseling by herself and even threatened him that she would leave if he didn't go with her. She told me that he went, but sat there fuming, and being non-communicative. She didn't leave him, instead she just told him he could stop going since they were wasting their money.

Part of me says it's up to her. Part of me thinks she needs some encouragement to try to find happiness in her life (her family urges her to stay married and wait til things get better). Is it ever right to urge someone to get divorced -- especially when there are kids involved, and especially when you'd be urging them to divorce your own brother?

Thanks for any insights.

Carolyn Hax: Ugh, awful one. I really feel for you. I don't see any daisies and confetti in urging divorce on anyone, but I do think you have some moral obligation to rebut her argument that staying is good for the kids. Maybe leaving would damage them, but how good can it be for those kids to see their mother demeaned? She needs at least to consider that. Then I suppose you have no choice but to let her be as miserable as she chooses.

Side note--had she gone to Duh U, calling her stupid would still be way out of line.

Anywhere: Carolyn,

(online only please.) The other night, I punched my boyfriend in the face and he had to go to the hospital to get stitches (I had a small ring on that cut him). I was somewhat provoked, but there is no justification for what I did-- the proper response would have been, "My, but you're being unpleasant tonight," and leaving.

I am appalled and nauseated at myself and horrified to think that I am a person who hits other people-- not just that, but someone who hit a person they love-- I'm pretty sure most people call that domestic abuse. I'm also very disturbed by this because I've been in therapy and on meds for about eight months, and I just feel like after that long I should have learned to control my anger, especially the kind of anger that gets most people arrested, so maybe there's not much hope for me.

And I'm scared because I'm on my way to being a lawyer and doing things like this could easily prevent me from being admitted to a state bar-- or could get me disbarred in the future. Not to mention the fact that I will not be a good attorney if I do things like this. I can't understand why the potential for losing both someone I love and a future career didn't deter me.

I did this in front of his coworkers (we were at a bar) and I can't imagine ever facing them again. I can't really imagine facing my boyfriend again either-- it just doesn't seem possible to do this to someone and keep dating and be okay. He said that he doesn't want to break up with me, but how could he possibly tell his coworkers, or anyone else who knows what I did, that he's still dating me? He asked me what he should tell people who ask about his stitches, and the very suggestion that he would tell them something other than the truth made me feel like even more of a batterer-- you know, the stereotypical excuses that battered spouses use-- "I walked into a door," "I fell down," etc.

It may be a corny word to use, but although I don't want to break up with my BF, I feel like the "honorable" thing to do is to end the relationship. I mean, is it possible to fix this kind of damage? Is it okay that he doesn't want to tell people where he really got his injury?

I've never done this to anyone before, and I also have a young son and I'm terrified that I might harm him like this some day. It just feels like now that I've done this, I'm "marked" in some way. Thanks for any advice.

Carolyn Hax: You've got a big problem and a therapist on the scene, so I don't want to get too involved here. I do want to say, though, that your bf -should- be honest about what happened, although you obviously can't make him; you should break up with him not because it's the "honorable" thing but because you should disentangle yourself until you are well; you need to be more realistic about getting well (8 months plus meds might be fine for some things, but obviously not this); and you might want to reconsider the word "control." That suggests the anger is still there but you've managed to clamp a lid on it; what you want is for the anger not to be there. If the current therapist isn't getting you there, might be time for another.

Last think: It's not about your being "marked," it's about your being sick. That;s the much bigger deal.

Half heartbroken, half relieved: Maybe I'll one day love you
Maybe we'll someday grow
Til then just sit your drunk ass on that empty runway, ho

Got dumped last night with Eminem lyrics. Beat THAT, peanuts.

Carolyn Hax: I'm afraid I can't.

I'm afraid there will be plenty who can.

Los Angeles, Calif.: Okay, I am not grasping something. Practically every week, you have someone who says "Oh, he's /wonderful/, except for the part where he insults/degrades/ignores/cheats on/beats me."

What is with this? Do people not have any clue what "wonderful" even means? Is it that people are so desperate for a partner, any partner, that they can actually consider someone who insults their job, or refuses to help with anything, or whatever, as "wonderful"?

Like I said, I'm not understanding.

Carolyn Hax: I've been doing this almost six years and I still don't understand.

Washington, DC: How to convince a family member that they're clinically depressed and need help--particularly if they're elderly and not inclined to look favorably on mental health treatment? My dad is barely functioning, we've already visited his regular doctor, and he dismissed it as part of the aging process. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope.

Carolyn Hax: Maybe a good book would shake him out of it. What are the ones we've talked about here ... "Unholy Ghost" was one, I think edited by Nell Casey (it's an anthology); "Darkness Visible" was another, by Wm Styron. Anybody else have a reliable eye-opener?

DC: A while ago I told most of my friends I'm gay. They were cool about it. Now I'm starting to kind of, sort of, date this guy. I'm thinking about taking him to a party one of my friends is throwing next weekend. Should I email everyone and tell them this is guy is my potential SO or just let everyone figure it out? I don't to make a big deal out of it and I don't plan on any PDA's.
Thanks!

Carolyn Hax: Please don't email everyone and tell them this guy is your potential SO.

Fluff question: Hi Carolyn: I always see the most appealing-looking people in the grocery store, on the metro, walking their dog. and I always feel like I want to approach them. Being it is the "big city" and all, it feels like they could think I am some psychopathic person. And saying "Hi, I'm not a psychopath" seems like something a psychopath would say. With all the social cues we've learned, it seems like certain things just aren't done. Like approaching a random individual on the street. Would it be wrong to just say to someone: Hi, wow, not sure what I'm doing here, but just had to say you look great?

Carolyn Hax: I'm not sure what the answer is here, either. I agree that talking to someone from a cold start is one of the toughest jobs in peoplebusiness. I think the people who are successful at it are the ones who train their eyes to look for the teeeensiest little opening, and then jump on it.

It also depends on who you are. If you're a human Jessica Rabbit, you can use your proposed opening line verbatim and meet anyone you please--male at least. If you're a guy, good luck.

Another side note. I want to know where you shop and walk your dog. I find most people unappealing, at least to look at.

To Lisa/Carolyn re: Peanuts: Hi -

You used to put a lot more peanut input up during these chats. I really enjoyed that because, it didn't take anything away from your responses and opinions, but it did give a different, sometimes hilariously off-base, set of viewpoints and advice...
plus, it just gave me more to read.

So this message is to ask why you put less peanut stuff up now and if you'd put more on the site.

Carolyn Hax: I did? I do? I had no idea I was doing something different.

The depressed dad: While you are looking for books, CHANGE DOCTORS. Look for an intelligent, reputable gerontologist, or any doctor that's not such an idiot that he would dismiss depression as part of aging.

My friend's mother was nearly incapacitated by doctor who kept brushing off all questions as, well, your mother's old, you just need to accept that.

Carolyn Hax: Excellent post, thank you. I read the question too quickly and thought your dad was the one dismissing it. Good catch.

DC: I get the tackiness of the registry info on the wedding invite but how does a happy couple let guests know where they are registered. I'm getting married soon and this one thing that I'm not sure about (other than how to convince my finance we need to spend less on the wedding but that's for another chat.)

Carolyn Hax: It is understood that if people want to know where you are registered, they will ask--either the couple directly, or wedding party members, or family members. Just make sure you let the pertinent people know.

Baltimore, MD: Hi Carolyn,

I recently started dating someone. He'll wear condoms but states that he can't -complete the act- if you will - by wearing them. He doesn't complain but of course, I feel bad about this but I also feel it is too early in the relationship to trust any other method. My girlfriends think that it is all in his head. I seem to think so too -
Suggestions on how to address?

Carolyn Hax: Nice double-entendre in there.

He agrees to wear them. He doesn't complain. I think he deserves the benefit of the doubt as to whether he can complete-the-act-if-you-will. Besides, he either does or he doesn't, right? Girlfriend opinions hardly count.

Men don't like condoms but they like sex, and (in most cases) women, more. Do what you have to do now, and then, if trust blossoms, show your gratitude by switching to something else. Of course it would be nice if trust had blossomed before sex did, but I like my battles winnable.

Boston, Mass.: Aren't you being a bit extermist today?

For example, telling the girl who hit her boyfriend to break up with him seems a cop-out. Yes, she needs to figure out her anger and the roots that caused it, but persumably, her boyfriend and her are adults and should have an honest conversation about what happened and what it means for the relationship. Just breaking up with him seems too easy.

Also, why shouldn't the guy e-mail close friends and tell them he is bringing somebody special to the party? What is your logic for that?

Carolyn Hax: I thought I was extermist every day.

A guy hits his girlfriend and, regardless of who asks me the question, my answer is consistent: To a guy I say you shouldn't be in a relationship until you stop being abusive; to a girl I say get the hell out. Come on, this is not only fairness 101, its judgment 101.

Likewise, if my straight friend emailed the entire peer group to pre-announce the presence of a would-be love interest at a party, we'd all wonder if the meds needed adjusting. Why would I set up a guy to draw awkward attention to himself just because he's gay?

Re: Anywhere: I used to hit, scratch, bite myself and others -- not routinely but like you described, in situations where I had "sort of" been provoked. I got out of it -- I wish I could pinpoint how and when but I can't -- and I am now happily married and professionally successful. Carolyn has some good advice -- you really need to get to the bottom of this with your therapist. It sounds like it might be time to try someone else. I would get rid of the boy, too. I think you need to be selfish right now. It can be done -- good luck, I know it's scary.

Carolyn Hax: Thanks for the backup, and congratulations on your self-repair.

Laurel, Md.: Re: Anywhere

The operable words here may be "on meds" and "we were in a bar." Alcohol and a lot of drugs -- especially psychotropic ones -- don't mix, and your writer might have been a lot higher than she thought. She might ask her therapist just how her meds and alcohol interact.

Carolyn Hax: A possibility, thanks.

Washington, D.C.: Good book on depression in men for family member not wanting to deal

"I Don't Want to Talk About It" by Terence Real

Carolyn Hax: Thanks. Haven't heard of it meself.

Boyfriend sleeping with his mom: Remember me? I wrote two years ago when my 28-year-old boyfriend crawled into bed with his parents when he got cold on the couch (I was sleeping in his room). You advised running the other way, if I recall correctly.

Well, I didn't. And he dumped me two months ago by blaming me for his not feeling the "zing" anymore. Said I was not "outgoing" enough in groups, that I didn't "capture the room" when I walked in. And that those are the qualities that make him want to buy flowers, dream of fairytales, and whisk a woman off to Paris for the hell of it (yep, you got it -- he wasn't much of a romantic with me).

I am a smart, attractive, sociable person. I am otherwise quite sane. And yet this is the man I wanted to marry.

Needless to say, I'm in therapy now.

If only I had taken your advice.

Carolyn Hax: Eh. Sometimes I don't take my advice, either. At least now you don't have to introduce yourself any more as the girlfriend of the guy who sleeps with his parents when he gets cold.

For Anywhere: Carolyn, just a thought for anywhere who hit her boyfriend. Being on meds MAY be the problem that provoked her into hitting her bf. I was on a certain medication (an antidepressant) for years and finally realized it was this particular AD that caused me to become very irritable and lose my temper in ways that I normally would not. I have changed meds and am much calmer. This is definitely something that should be looked into. While it may not be excusable, this behavior could be a side effect. Just a thought.

Carolyn Hax: Another possibility, thanks.

Reflection of the company you keep: Hi Carolyn,

Online only please.

My boyfriend has some serious issues with his friends. Or should I say his friends have some serious issues! One has cheated on his wife with eight people since his marriage this past Summer and now is trying to have a baby with his wife. Another is getting divorced because he cheated on his wife because he wasn't getting enough sex at home. Only days after his wife left him, he is "seriously involved" with another girl who thinks he's been divorced six months! The other is not married but has two serious girlfriends in different states. Neither know about the other.

He admits that he doesn't like this, but still maintains his friendships with them because they have been there for him during many of his hard times in the past.

My concern is that how can I respect/hang out with his friends when I know all of this? Its getting to the point where he likes me around, even when he's hanging out with him. Sometimes the wife or girlfriend might be there as well. I would never say anything because it isn't my place but at the same time, I find it hard to be cordial to these guys. I can't make my boyfriend choose but do you think he should be friends with these guys? Furthermore, when they all go out, I find it hard to trust him because of the company he keeps!

Carolyn Hax: Whoo. A lot here.

1. By the book, it's easy to say he shouldn't be with people like this. But when a friendship has a long history, especially one that predates the bad behavior and includes some genuine, unforgettable acts of friendship, it's hard to be so strict a judge.

2. Why haven't you said anything to your bf about being uncomfortable around these guys? Of course it's your place. You can't choose his friends for him, but you can choose what YOU do with your time.

3. You either trust him or you don't. "The company he keeps" is a red herring.

Falls Church, a.: Carolyn -- I am terrified of being alone. I have had a boyfriend since age 14 (I'm now 26) and the longest I've ever been single is one month, and I hated every minute of it and lived in fear of dying alone with my eight cats. I'm now with a terrific guy and I think we might get married. However, now I feel like I need to convince myself I can be by myself before we take the plunge. How can I explain this to my boyfriend without losing him entirely?

Carolyn Hax: You have to risk losing him entirely. Otherwise, you're not facing life alone, you're just putting your security blankie in the attic for a while.

For brother worried about ex/sister-in-law: That woman is being abused. It's only a matter of time before he starts in on the kids.

Maybe that safeathome.org website (did I remember it right?) would have advice on how to help her realize the situation she's in?

Carolyn Hax: It's actually www.peaceathome.org--but you're right about the rest, thanks.

Bethesda, Md.: What is your opinion on men and how to determine whether or not they are simply sweet-talking you (as in lying through their teeth) or if they actually mean it? How can you tell? I am having such a hard time and I am sick of playing private eye.

Carolyn Hax: Then don't play. Just be honest in your life, and be patient with everyone else. All snow jobs melt eventually, but people who mean what they say are remarkably consistent.

Therapy: I was never one to "blame" the way I am on my parents, etc., but since being in therapy I've come to "see" that a lot of my current behavior could very well have been shaped by my upbringing. My problem is now I have no patience for my mother. I'm finding that I am very easily annoyed by her. I'm afraid if I try to explain my impatience to her she will really blow. She in no way thinks she was unfair or unloving to me. Any thoughts?

Carolyn Hax: With any luck, being angry at her is the phase that immediately precedes not being angry at her any more because she was only doing her best, sh***y as that best might have been. Just because your current behavior can be traced to your upbringing doesn't necessarily mean you were maliciously, deliberately, or even consciously wronged. I'd vote for hanging in there to see how your feelings sort out before you try to explain anything, and in the meantime do what you can to limit your exposure to mom.

Long distance angst: I'm a girl who met a guy through a mutual friend. Guy lived on another coast. We hit it off after meeting in person once, and kept in touch by e-mail and occasional phone conversations. By chance, he found a new job in my state but still a fair drive from my home, so it's not quite long distance anymore, but still, we have to make a concerted effort to see each other, and can't casually drop by for a movie or just hanging out. We've been going on dates every few weeks since the summer, and I've had a good time, but lately I get the feeling things are cooling off. I go to see him much more than he comes to see me, and he seems kinda lukewarm when I suggest things to do. This could be typical girly overanalysis of the situation, but I really don't know how to approach it. Obviously asking something like, "So, do you still like me?" is sort of a leading question that's not going to get a straight answer.

Carolyn Hax: Too bad, because it should get a straight answer. I say ask point-blank if he's losing interest. (Funny thing about that, though--ask it once, and you sound like a no-BS friend. Ask it more than once, and you sound like an insecure freak. There's no in-between.)

Cheater's alternative, you simply stop suggesting things and see if the whole thing dries up.

Alcohol Abuse: CH:

So many times people write in and say, "I did this or that while I was drinking" and you let it slide. People that do things they regret while drinking, and then continue to drink -- are abusing alcohol. Then, when a guy writes in to say that he occasionally smokes pot, you lambast him for it (granted he mentioned doing coke too, but thats not what I'm writing about).

I was hoping you could address this issue and why you seem to always gloss over people's obvious problems that are caused by drinking and being drunk.

Otherwise, love the chats!

Carolyn Hax: Thanks. It's a pretty simple distinction--one is legal and one isn't. Hello?

Though if you recall, I lambasted coke-pot guy on the coke and said I'd ahem look the other way on the pot. That's not what you're writing about, but it was what HE was writing about, which was all that mattered at the time.

As for alcohol abuse, I guess I just don't see the follow-up the same way you do. Absolutely, people write in to lament their drunken mistakes, but for all I know, these are onetime things, and I don't want to assume more and then start preaching based on my own assumption. If I'm missing signs of further abuse, I'd be grateful to have people point them out to me specifically. Thanks.

Books on Depression: An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison. Amazing.

Carolyn Hax: Right, many recommendations for that one over the years, thanks.

Heartbroken, Washington, D.C.: In your vast realm of experience, what is the best method for getting over someone who dumped you because he just wasn't feelin' the lovin' feelin'? More specifically, someone you've been dating (and physically intimate) for about six months. I am a week into this and have already done the stay in bed thing, the go out with girlfriends thing, the make a list of things I hate about him thing, and the keep busy thing. But I can't shake the in-love feeling that I've had for the last couple of months.

Carolyn Hax: You just hurt and limp along until it stops hurting and you stop limping. There's no magic to it. I's sorry.

washingtonpost.com: Walter Cronkite's daughter, Kathy, has put together a good book about depression called "On the Edge of Darkness -- Conversations About Depression" -- that contains a lot of information from a lot of (famous) people about their experiences with it. Might be a tad more accessible than the Styron book (which is mind-boggling). -- Lisa.

Carolyn Hax: Thanks, L.

Washington, D.C.: (Online only, please.) I'm as certain as I can be, without having photos, that my brother-in-law is gay. What's the problem? He's a deeply religious and conservative Christian who is about to pop the question to a woman. (Both individuals are in their early 30s.)

This bothers me because my first husband was gay and married me for similar reasons -- people at church told him that getting married would "cure" him. It didn't, and the process of discovering that marriage wasn't a cure broke more than one heart. At least we didn't have kids! But I think one of the reasons they are getting married is to have kids, and I foresee disaster ahead.

What would you do? Say something? If so, what, and how? I can only imagine the family drama that would ensue. Or should I just keep my mouth shut and hope for the best?

Carolyn Hax: I think you have to be the clam on this one. Tough thing.

NYC: Carolyn-
I recently received a thank you/christmas card from my father and stepmother that really upset me. (They thanked me for the presents I sent to my half brother and sister.) The card was addressed to me and my fiance or I assume they meant my fiance, since it had the wrong name on it. I was so angry at first that I was going to send back the check he included, but then decided to keep it just to spite him. (There's obviously a long history here and basically it comes down to the fact that I choose not to have a relationship with him because he's choosen for years not to care about me or my life.) My father and stepmother have both met my fiance in person, so it's not like they don't know his name. I know I should just forget about this and be happy that he's not a part of my life. However, my fiance thinks that I should send a thank you card for the money/gift and in it, I should politely correct my father on my fiance's name. So my question: Do I have a right to be pissed that my father can't be bothered to remember my fiance's name? and should I send a thank you card?

Carolyn Hax: Maybe, but why go out of your way; and yes. My dad misspelled my sister's name earlier this year. People get brain cramps on the strangest things at the strangest times. And sometimes, forgiving and forgetting just feels better than getting all bent.

Please Pick My Question: Background: Boyfriend of two and a half years, very loving and I am very happy with him. He is a recovering addict and was married to an alcoholic who hurt him very much (he began recovery while still in the relationship, she still hasn't quit).

Issue: Last night I went to dinner and to watch a game with a friend, I had a few (three) drinks over a four-hour period (I am a real light weight) and was a little tipsy when we got home (he had been working all night). Long story short, he really reacted to me with a sort of paternal disaproval, and this morning, stone cold sober I still felt pretty badly about it. When I brought it up to him he said it has nothing to do wtih me (which I believe and understand) but I am now so afraid of getting that reaction again I feel like I should swear off the hooch. That wouldn't be a big deal for me I don't really drink that much or frequently. I am conflicted in that I feel kinda wierd about modifying my behavior because of my fear of his reaction.

Any advice/insight would be appreciated. I do hope you take my question, because I am really struggling with this today.

(sorry it is so long)

Carolyn Hax: Get thee to AA!

I am sick sick sick, using your pain for my jollies. I should be flogged.

I'm not just trying to make it up to you when I say that I think you're right to be more uncomfortable with your reason for not wanting to drink than with your three drinks last night. Behaving for approval is a hard habit to break, and in a way it's also dishonest, since you're not being -you- so much as being your idea of what he wants you to be.

To your BF's credit, though, he seems to have figured out, courtesy of daylight, that he made a (completely forgivable) mistake by reacting to his past vs. reacting to your present. If he can let it go, seems to me the best thing for you would be to let it go as well. And stop at two next time.

RE: SO Awful Friends: My husband has a troop of shmuck friends he's known since birth and it was actually a big stumbling block for us when we started getting serious. I just couldn't understand why such a great guy hung with such awful people. One thing I did notice though was that he never tried to make excuses for their behavior and he did make a point of calling them on the dumb things they did.

Finally I just sat him down and asked him to explain the reason he hadn't cut these losers out of his life. He talked a lot about shared hard times and support and I finally got to the point where I understood why he still needed them in his life. I try not to spend too much time around them (my husband totally respects that I don't like these guys too much and he never pushes me to hang out with them) but I don't give him a hard time about them anymore. I get that he can be friends with them without them rubbing off on him. Just my $.02 from the trenches.

Carolyn Hax: I do love a happy ending. Thanks for the post.

Condom issue: Carolyn --

The guy I'm seeing has an even more extreme problem than the earlier poster - how can I put this nicely.... can't keep things going with a condom on. We've been friends for years, dating on/off and just getting intimate again, but still not at the super serious stage. We've been tested, but more than just the disease-factor, it's a huge trust issue with me. Any suggestions from you or the peanuts? Starting to get really frustrating and hard not to feel like an ego blow to both of us the more it happens.

Thanks.

Carolyn Hax: I think I need clarification on the trust issue. If you've been friends for years and you've both been tested (never foolproof, btw, nor are condoms), why can't you trust him? And if not, why are you sleeping with him?

Re: Question in paper PLEASE DON'T BE TOO LATE!: I am in a similar situation with the person who wrote in with the boyfriend who needed space. My boyfriend says all the same things about needing to be selfish, but insists that he doesn't want to break up. Acts like someone who doesn't want to be in a relationship, says he doesn't feel like he can be a boyfriend, but doesn't want to be without me, either. Break up or give it time? I'm stuck.

Carolyn Hax: Only as stuck as you want to be. Is this the way you want to live your life? Yes/No

Washington, D.C.: Boyfriend and I mutually agreed to break up -- we are so not suited for each other relationship-wise -- but we have, from time to time, enjoyed each other carnally since the break up, and before, during and after there's emotional confusion on both sides -- should we try again, maybe we were wrong to break up. The thing is, most of the time I am fine with the break up -- relieved that I no longer have to deal with him on a daily basis because he worked my nerves -- could it just be that the intimacy is muddying the waters?

Carolyn Hax: Ya think?

For "Therapy": Yes, hang in there! I went through a very similar phase of having no patience for the parents before realizing they just didn't realize what they were(n't) doing when they were in their 20s/30s.

I'm to the point now where I adore the quirks that make them my parents and ignore the stuff that bugs me, and I actually LIKE going home for the holidays. They are happier too.

Carolyn Hax: Another happy ending. Yee haw.

For Heartbroken,: Dear Carolyn,

I too, was dumped last year by a man who did not return the lovin' feeling. I can tell you the absolute biggest mistake I made after the breakup that prolonged the depression and heartache...I kept in touch with him. Responded to his emails, called him, etc. If I had just said, "Fine, you don't love me, best of luck, have a nice life" I think the whole process would've been 100 times easier. I don't even know if Heartbroken has talked to ex or is entertaining idea of talking to him, but I would not suggest it. If he said "I'd like to remain friends" he didn't mean it...it was his way of making himself feel better about dumping you.

Carolyn Hax: Or he did mean it, and it's still a terrible idea to attempt it immediately after the break.

Washington, DC: My mother died nine months ago. It was very sudden and unexpected and hit us all very hard, but we are recovering.

My dad has been spending a lot of time with a woman he knows from work. They go out to dinner, or cook dinner, or watch movies together. I am very happy that he has someone he can spend time with, so that he's not all alone in situations where he used to be able to spend time with my mom. I don't know whether their relationship has a romantic element or is merely a friendship, and I don't really care. Whatever my dad wants is fine with me.

My question is -- should I tell him that? I really want him to know that I don't care, wouldn't be offended, etc. if he got involved with someone else, because when he talks about this woman I always sense that it's with a certain caution, as though he were afraid I would be upset. Of course he's never come out and said so, so I could be wrong, but my instincts on this are usually pretty good. On the other hand, if I am wrong, it would probably really embarrass him. Should I speak up or keep my mouth shut?

Carolyn Hax: First of all, sorry about your mom. I find it hard to imagine a sudden loss like that.

Second, I think it's great you want to reassure dad, great enough that it's worth the risk that you embarrass him or that he misinterpret your words. I'm not sure either is necessary, though--saying you're happy he has found someone to hang with doesn't have to imply that he's dating her. next time he brings her up--esp if he seems uncomfortable--just say, "hey, Pop, I'm glad you and she are friends. I hope you don't think I'm uncomfortable with it."

Response on guy with condom problem: Finally, a kinda gross sex question! Lemme help! It's a learned skill. (Finishing the job with a condom on.) Men who say they can't do it need to keep trying, and also need to talk about it; it just means he's gotten too used to doing it without one. (I'm a man, and went through the same thing. I also think it's fun to try things you think you can't do. Call me crazy, but all sex is sort of about seeing what works, what happens. You shouldn't put up with someone who's got a dozen excuses about condoms. Yes, they're not as fun as being without one, but come on, it's 2003. Give it a try. Then try again. Then try again. Then try again: It just means more sex.)

Carolyn Hax: This is me with nothing to add.

London UK: Hi Carolyn,

Thanks for the great columns and this chat. I've particularly appreciated the apparently greater inclusion of gay themes in your chats. (Must be taking the place of the waning peanut commentary.)

One of your recent columns advised that "there is only one thing any of us should ever do to please a mate, and that is to be ourselves."

I've adopted this very approach with someone I started dating a few weeks ago and he keeps asking me questions like, "So, what's the 'catch' to dating you?" The fact of the matter is that I've actually been more honest and straightforward with my faults and he's not even seeing those obvious faults as catches.

I may very well be elected Happiest Person in the Solar System. Thanks!

Carolyn Hax: You;re welcome!

And once again I am left with having no idea that I was doing more or less of something in my choice of questions.

You guys ascribe to me much more control than I really have. Usually, it's just two hours of AGH NEXT QUESTION BEFORE EVERYBODY GETS MEAN.

good depression book: Maybe it's too late and maybe it's been mentioned, but Noonday Demon is great.

Carolyn Hax: Oh right, I started early--I can go!

Alexandria, Va.: Carolyn: Are we really mean?

washingtonpost.com: YES. -- Lisa.

Carolyn Hax: But only on Fridays.


Time to go. Thanks everybody, have a great weekend, and I'll type to you ... I bet not next Friday. If anyone's handicapping Archie and Jughead's arrival date.

washingtonpost.com:

That wraps up today's show. Thanks to everyone who joined the discussion.

Stay Tuned to Live Online:
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