Amy Joyce Photo by: Craig Cola • Find a job • Read Amy's transcripts • Read Life at Work • Life at Work Video Live Online • Jobs transcripts • Chat on the message boards. • Live Online transcripts • Subscribe to washingtonpost.com e-mail newsletters NEW! Personalize your Post with mywashingtonpost.com. Get customized news, traffic, weather and more. Life at Work Live Amy Joyce Washington Post columnist Tuesday, June 03, 2003; 11:00 a.m. ET Do you experience the many joys and frustrations of working life that many of us do? Talk to Washington Post columnist Amy Joyce and her experts about how to deal with them. Amy hosts weekly online talks for working folks who want to talk about interpersonal issues in the workplace. The transcript follows below. Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

Amy Joyce: Good morning all. There are a lot of questions that await, and some comments... some related to last week's discussion, so we'll get started there. As always, join in with your own wonderful advice and questions. You are often the biggest help for your fellow workers out there. We like to know we're not alone, and we like to hear how other people deal with similar issues. So have at it.

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Derwood, Md: Thank you for last week's discussion and to everyone for all the great advice about supervising interns & co-ops.

I spent some time talking with our intern about her university and where she is in her degree program. Once I knew what classes she has taken and which ones she still has left, I gave it some thought and was able find a two-month project for her. Doing this project will require her to learn new software skills, skills that she will end up needing at school for a class scheduled two semesters from now.

Even better, now that they know she has a real assignment to do, coworkers aren't worried about keeping her busy with copying and other make-work assignments.

Amy Joyce: That's great, Derwood! Your intern will appreciate it, as will all of her future employers. This is a wonderful experience and time for interns to gain new skills and figure out what they want out of life, and you're helping to encourage that. Meanwhile, you're learning how to be a good manager, and as you can tell from reading these discussions, we need more like you...

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bored in cubicle A2: Amy,

I will be leaving my job in 2 months to go to grad school. Problem is, I have absolutely NO motivation whatsoever to do any work. What with the weather, the knowledge that I'm leaving, and SUMMER, it's really hard for me to try and focus. Any suggestions?

Thanks

Amy Joyce: Yes. Do it. You need these people around you to give you good references and be contacts for you later, as you head back out into the wide world of work.
I understand that lack of motivation, absolutely. Do things that will keep you at least a little energized. Give yourself little breaks throughout the day to get up and take a walk. Make a list in the morning of the things you are supposed to do, and cross them off as you go along. Have you told your boss yet that you're leaving? If so, offer to help train any new employee who may be filling in for you. Or simply put a memo together of your job description, with good tips for the next person who will take over for you.
Anyone else have some motivational tips for the unmotivated?

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Washington, DC: Hi Amy - I recently accepted an offer from another govt. agency doing the same type of work. I believe it will be a good learning opportunity over the long run. The director and my supervisor met with me last week and offered more money, and some good new opportunities here if I reconsidered. I have been seriously reconsidering but am concerned that if I stay here, I will regret missing this new opportunity and might not have a shot at it again. I am more concerned with my future here (or there) than a slight raise. I have been welcomed back here anytime. Your thoughts are appreciated.

Amy Joyce: This is totally something you have to decide for yourself. Think about it: Why did you search for a new job? What was it about this new job that intrigued you and made you want to accept an offer? It may help to write those things down to remind yourself why you wanted to git. Then think about those new opportunities where you already are. Will they fulfill that thing you were looking for when you started to job search? Take some time and figure it out, don't jump on any offer. Good luck.

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Raleigh, NC: Hi Amy, I won't be able to take part in Tuesday's discussion, because I have a second interview with my dream organization during that time period! I'd been a little unsure of something my interviewer said during the first round, but I wrote to you about it. While you didn't have time to answer, you did pass it onto Ken, who assured me that I handled the situation well. Thanks to both of you for your excellent work; we readers very much appreciate it. I will let you know how it goes!

Amy Joyce: Thanks Raleigh! We're sitting here sending positive vibes your way. I hope you check in to tell us how it went.

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Tinseltown: I have an unusual problem. A coworker keeps telling me that she is comfortable with my homosexuality and that I should be proud to be gay. Unfortuanately, I am not gay, and I tell her that. She keeps telling me I don't need to keep it hidden. I keep telling her it is not hidden. I hate to say this, but I actually feel harassed to constantly face the approval of this coworker over something I am not, and she just doesn't get it when I ask her to stop. I feel the situation is getting out of hand as other coworkers are expressing their support for my coming out of the closet, only I never was in. I actually now look bad denying I am gay in front of a group of people who are very accepting of gayness. I now feel this woman set me up from the beginning. When I accused her of doing such, suddenly people treated me like the villain for refusing to embrace my homosexuality. People treat her like the understanding person who accepts people for who they are. It seems no matter how I respond, it is wrong, and she holds all the cards. What happened to a world where it didn't matter what you are, and everyone had the right to keep quiet about it if they wanted to?

Amy Joyce: This is probably one of the most unusual questions I ever received here.
Did you try the: I really love that you embrace people's gayness. As do I. If I were gay, I'd be very grateful.
It does sound like this is a woman who needs a pat on the back. Let her have that pat, but do what you can to shift the focus away from yourself. Go to work as you always did, be friendly, do your work, and then go about your own business.
If it gets out of hand, go to your human resource department and ask for some help negotiating conversations with this woman to get to a comfortable working point.

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Arlington, Va: Has anyone come up with a tactful way to tell the boss he hoards all the work and to let us workerbees do it?

Amy Joyce: "Boss, give me some of that work. You seem overloaded, and I'd really appreciate the opportunity to work on X."

Let's see if anyone else here has.

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Burned Out, USA: Amy and readers - Have you ever decided to quit your job (even if it paid well) to move to another state and find work? I am interested in hearing from readers' experiences (good and/or bad) of what happened when they gave up their 60 hour workweek, large paycheck, and metro living in favor of quality of life. I am about to do this, I just need some more support. My family (which is nowhere near me anyway) thinks I am nuts to leave a good paycheck and a brand-new everything in exchange for a simpler lifestyle. I think I would be crazy to stay - when I think about it, the only thing that is keeping me here is my JOB - and that is no longer a good enough reason. Inspiration? Anyone? Anyone?

Amy Joyce: It sounds like you know what you want and need, so good for you. Just make sure to keep in touch with your current co-workers and supervisors, in case you need them to provide you with references now or in the future.
But you're not going to be happy if you don't do what you want to do, right? And you're absolutely not going to be happy if you just stay in a job because others think you should.
Good luck to you.

Others?

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what to do when things at work get weird...: Hi Amy

Made two cardinal mistakes at work:

1. dated a coworker (small office - 20 people on floor)
2. told another coworker (supposedly in confidence). not many details, but they did include how bummed I felt about the breakup.

have not dated guy for many months but only recently has the spam hit the fan. long and short, the 'trusted coworker' was feeding her need to know what everyone is doing, and at some point started telling others what she knew. this got back to guy. who took it very badly (his prerogative but a real overreaction - included hollering/bullying).

he took it so badly that he not only will not speak to me, stories are still going around and I believe he may be feeding some of them (or at least not halting them - the two gossipers sit next to him and there's been a decided sudden hush a number of times when I've been in their cube area.)

I feel very bad, both for hurting someone I thought was a good friend, and for the fallout. not pleasant at work.

I am not quitting my job. what else can I do, short of just making myself scarce at all opportunities and waiting for this to die down?

thank you.

Amy Joyce: Ugh. I'm sorry, tough situation.
1. Stop telling these co-workers anything about your life.
2. Focus on your work. You're there, and not quitting, because you like the work, right? So do it.
3. With a smile.
4. If he ever starts bullying or yelling at you again, get someone in HR involved. He's you CO-WORKER. No yelling allowed.
5. Get over feeling bad. Damage done. Damage forgotten when this person has someone else to gossip about.

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Re:bored in cubicle A2: I feel your pain! I am also leaving in 2 mths or so to start grad school...and yes, the motivation is starting to dwindle...You asked if he/she has told the employer yet about leaving....I have not informed them b/c I'm worried about a. them not giving me any more work to do (ie. being MORE bored) and b.the awkwardness that will ensure since they know I'm "ditching" them after a year of work (they might be a bit surprised that I'm leaving...) Any thoughts on when I should tell them of my plans? Without it being too far in advance to be weird but giving them enough time to plan for my departure?
Thanks!

Amy Joyce: Maybe you will soon be classmates with each other.

I'd say take some time before you tell your boss, but tell him/her in enough time so that a new person can be hired and you can help with the training. So, more than 2 weeks notice. Also, offer it that way: I'm leaving, but giving you this much notice so I can help with the transition if at all possible. And please don't cut down on my workload, I want to continue to help as much as possible before I leave.
No bridges burnt, references available upon request.

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Adams Morgan, DC: Re: Tinseltown

Tinseltown's officemate is NOT being supportive or appropriate. Her actions border on sexual harrassment.

Tinseltown should speak with HR now. He or she needs to make no apologies for not "embracing" the claim of "gayness". The whole concept is offensive and stereotypic.

BTW, I'm gay.

Amy Joyce: Thanks... true, she's not being supportive at all. But I say try to handle it yourself before running to HR. It's that communication thing again.

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Virginia: RE: the person wants to quit the 60 hour week. Real Simple magazine just did a story on a woman who left NYC to go live in the country as a single parent. It dealt with her money issues and it might point out some of the pitfalls and how to avoid it.

What I did (and admittedly I was just a secretary) to quit DC was to go to the town I wanted to live in (still a city) and worked temp. But I didn't have a career (still don't but that's another story) and so it was easy for me to uproot myself. But it helped that I had friends in the town I moved to and could work temp. Good luck!

Amy Joyce: Thanks for that!

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re: Burned out: Just do it! Perhaps after a few months of change in another place with a simpler life, you'll come to appreciate life wherever you are now and return. Then again, perhaps you'll love your new life and stay forever, herding sheep or whatnot.
In any event, if you don't go, you'll never know!

Amy Joyce: There ya go. Thanks.

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College Park, Md: HI, I have a supervisor who will not give me all the information I need to complete assignments. I constantly ask him if there is more information he wants in the reports, he refuses to give me this information until I am completed
and then he informs me my work is incomplete and he also at that times writes me up saying my work is unsatisfactory. Any ideas or suggestions on how to handle this difficult situation. Thanks

Amy Joyce: Next time it happens, write down the details. Then when he informs you your work is incomplete, explain what you're telling us here, with specific examples. Don't be too accusatory, just explain. And try to come up with some sort of solution, like giving a status report during the project.

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Tinseltown: There was a "Cheers" rerun on Nick at Nite the other night with just this theme.

Amy Joyce: Ah. Maybe someone's been watching Cheers and is a little bored at work today.

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Wedding obsessed: Hi Amy! I am getting married in nine months and I have become obsessed with wedding planning--I just can't stay off the knot.com! It is so easy to just use the office as command central for my wedding, especially since vendors are easier to reach during ordinary business hours. I am keeping up with work--things are kind of slow right now and I stay late when I have to finish a project. Is it okay to use my office hours to plan a wedding if I am still staying up on my workload?

Amy Joyce: The knot is a drug! Stay away, stay far away. (If you can.)
But seriously, this goes back to an ongoing conversation we've had here (can I write my novel at work, what do I do when I'm finished with all my work at 11 a.m.)
The thing is, you're supposed to be working. We all know that everyone has a few moments where they go on-line to something completely different than their work, or call home, or e-mail friends.
Just remember you are being paid to work, and act wisely, for your own conscience, and for your employer.
And as someone getting married shortly, some personal advice since you are nine months out: Don't get sucked in. You'll have a wonderful day no matter what. Take your weekends to organize what needs to be done, make calls to vendors in the morning before work, or during lunch, and be done with it. Enjoy it, have fun, but don't let it rule your life.

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Charlotte, NC: Okay, so my situation is a little different. My spouse and I work for the same organization; no problem, it's allowed. But our boss moved him into the same division I'm in and actually put him in the next office! Policy says that should (but not shall) not occur. HR said I don't have a grievance because I haven't been harmed. The situation is not pleasant and has done our marriage no good. Needless to say, it destroyed my trust in our boss. This is a public agency, so nepotism is an issue. Any thoughts on how to survive? I go day to day, as it is...

Amy Joyce: You have to fix this. Is your husband feeling the same way? Have you talked to your boss directly?
Come up with another solution (you or your husband move to a different office, different division), explain why this will be better for both your marriage and your company, and see where it goes.
Meanwhile, it sounds like maybe you and your husband need to talk. Figure this out between yourselves. You need to do what's best for your marriage.

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Washington DC: In today's market every gimmick helps. What do you think this: I am considering offering an employer to work free for one month so that they can see that I can do the job well. If I don't they can let me go. How do you think an employer would react?

Amy Joyce: Who knows... this is Washington. I guess free help is always appreciated. Though I'd like to point out that there are many jobs still out there. If you're going to spend your energy looking for free work, might as well spend it instead on paying work.

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Falls Church, Va: Hi Amy,

I have a trip planned in November overseas for two weeks, but have the feeling that I may receive an offer for a really nice job soon. My question is: when do I tell the (potential) employer about it? I say when I get the actual offer and get the leave question. My friend says that I should wait until the 3 month review as to not rock the boat, but that would only leave 2 months before a major trip. Please help! Thank you.

Amy Joyce: When you are given the offer, and in the negotiating process, explain your trip. Also explain that you will do everything you can before you leave, and will work late, whatever it takes. But this trip was planned and paid for before the job offer, and so it goes. Employers deal with this all the time. It should not be a huge deal.

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Re: Tinseltown & Adams Morgan: I'm with you about addressing the issue directly with staff members, instead of going to personnel. One exception - personnel may have some ideas, but those ideas should come from Tinseltown to the officeworker(s)..

I guess it's slightly better than if officeworkers despised Tinseltown because they perceive Tinseltown as gay. Which is something Tinseltown could say to the staff members. Another line to the staff members could be
"Whether I am straight or gay, it's none of your business. If you have to be supportive, how about being supportive of privacy in each of our lives ? Take the things I tell you about me as the truth and stop making inferences about things in my life I don't discuss with you."

Amy Joyce: In case this posting wasn't from an episode of Cheers, here's some good advice.

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bored in cubicle A2: yes I've told them I'm leaving. They have yet to hire a replacement. My job requires very little brain cells, so there isn't all that much to 'train' the future replacement on.

They have stopped giving me work but still expect me to work! (and we are expected to submit what we do every day for every hour). Writing 'admin' just isn't cutting it anymore. I've reached the end of the internet.

Also, I am fairly sure I'll still get good recommendations, if only becuase I have been doing a stellar job. It's just these last two months that are killing me.

Amy Joyce: Okay. Well, write a very detailed memo. Ask your co-workers what you can help them with. Organize your desk and your files. Offer yourself up to your boss. Come up with some new ideas for the replacement so this person doesn't feel like brain cells are diminishing. Write an exit letter to your boss, thanking him/her for the job. Ummm... anyone else?

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Re College Park: About the boss with incomplete instructions.

Agree about writing down the instructions. But then put them in a memo to the boss IN ADVANCE. Say Dear bosso: this is what you have told me, this is what we agreed to, this is what I will do. I will walk across the hall, fax this memo, walk back, sit down, pull up my chair, etc. In complex business settings people can actually be grateful for followup memos of this sort, believe it or not.

Amy Joyce: True true

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layoffs...: When I was about 8 months pregnant, I was laid off, got some pretty good severance and collected unemployment for about 9 months. I have been home with my son during that time. While my husband was at a company that was about to have layoffs, he found a job after our son was born at a company that was more stable (we thought). About a month ago, the subsidiary was sold and the company that is buying it obviously is just doing so for the assets and doesn't want any of the employees. So he was laid off, effective August. So we're both looking for jobs, in and out of state. My question is - when in the interview process do I mention that we are both looking and if one of us gets a position out of state, we're going (yes, there are still companies that are willing to pay relocation)? Do I ever need to? In addition, if one of us gets a position, the other may or may not keep looking, do we offer that up as well? Thank you...

Amy Joyce: You don't need to go into those details at all in the interview process. You don't know what is going to happen, so you can't give those potential interviewers those things to worry about. Look for a job, try to get an offer, and see what happens. I'm sure this is a stressful time for you... best of luck!

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Virginia: What is the best way to again approach a prospective employer after an interview? I called 2 weeks after the interview to see if they needed anything else. Now it's been another 2 weeks and still nothing. I would like to call again, but don't know what to say that won't make them feel like I'm desparate or bugging them. Any advice?

Amy Joyce: Did you write thank you notes? If not, do so now.
Then call. Ask if they have made a decision, because you would love the job, but need to keep looking if it's not going to work out. Ask if they need anything else from you. All good reasons to call.

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Bethesda: So what are your thoughts on cell phones at the office? I have a coworker who receives a lot of personal calls both on work lines and on her cell. I find it very irritating to hear the ringing in the office, especially when she's stepped out and left the phone so it just keeps ringing. I could understand if it was a business cell phone, or business calls, but they aren't. They're personal calls and we're in an environment where we can be reached at the office number for most of the day. Is there any general etiquette with regards to cells at the office?

Amy Joyce: I did a column on the same thing. She's your co-worker, and the ringing is disturbing you. Tell her to put it on vibrate or remember to take it with her when she leaves. It should be just that simple...

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No on free work: If trying you out is an issue, there is always a probationary period, an internship, freelancing, temping, whatever, depending on your line of work. The dignity you lose from working for free may be lost forever. If you are to the point where you are considering working for free reevaluate your job search strategies.

Amy Joyce: Yes, I suppose I was making light of this idea too much. Please do rethink your job search strategies. You don't need to work for free. (Unless you're an unpaid intern.)

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Bethesda: Hi Amy,

I need to vent. A collegue who started in January bothers me non-stop asking for help with the computer. It's obvious to me that this individual does not have much, if any computer experience. They ask for help saving files to the computer. Some days, I find that most of my time is spent helping this person, and it can effect my work (and its really annoying). I'm the office that is closest to them, and even if I close my door, she'll come in. I realize that I should mention this to my boss, but I haven't because I don't want to seem like I'm complaining. Any thoughts?

Amy Joyce: YOu should say something to her, not your boss, to start. Tell her you really want to help, but don't have that much time. Suggest she call your info tech folks (if you have them), or suggest that she may need some computer training.

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Grad School Slump: I'm also starting grad school in 2 months and am feeling the summer slackness setting in! Even worse is that I started the 1-year program (designed for people taking a year off between undergrad and grad school) late, and thus already did the final presentation, etc last month, so I really AM just sitting around! What I've been doing to fill time is coming up with ways that will make my replacement's life easier - coming up with projects for him to pick up, cleaning up my notes/logs, brainstorming for future research ideas (that he may or may not use). It's something to hold me over and keep me doing SOMETHING until it sinks in that I HAVE to get my research written up for journal submission before I leave.

Amy Joyce: Great, thanks.

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Alexandria Va: For the person who is getting married, please please please do yourself a favor and keep talking about it to a bare minimum with your co-workers. 1. It gets old fast. 2. They will know you are working on your wedding at work and will come to resent it. 3. They could pull work from you if they think you won't apply proper concentration to it. I have seen this happen at my place of employment.

Amy Joyce: Amen to that. Your co-workers probably don't care what color napkin you're trying to decide between.

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re: Working for Free: I have a friend who did somethign similar - she worked a couple of hours a week for free at an office job, doing a specific project. When an actual job became available, she was the first one that they thought of, since they knew her work. I would say to do this if there is a very specific office that you are just dying to work for ...

Amy Joyce: Well that's interesting, thanks.

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"It's so easy to use the office as command central for my wedding": Oh, please spare the rest of us. I know this is your wedding,but lots of the rest of us have been through this before and listening to the throes of planning a wedding tend to grate. Especially when it's all the bride to be talks about. Do it quietly, please.

Amy Joyce: Just one more thought. Thanks...

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Speaking of cell phones: It's gotten so bad on my floor that people are even using them in the bathrooms. Um, they can't wait til they are done with their business to answer or make that call? No, this wasn't on Cheers, it's happening more on my floor.

Amy Joyce: Scary...

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re: cell phone in the office: Oooh!!! I can outdo you on this one. My coworker has one of those cell phones with the walkie-talkie function, so you can have unlimited talk-time between phones. They way these work, though, is that they don't ring, the person with the other phone just "talks" to you. So every 20 minutes or so, all day long, we have to hear this guy's wife saying, "Steve? Steve?" Even when he's in a meeting! It's sort of become the office joke, but we don't really let it bother us. More fun just to laugh.

Amy Joyce: Oh my. Time to tell him to STOP IT.

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Amy Joyce: I'm sorry we didn't get to a lot of your questions and comments. Meet me here again next week, same time, same place. Have a good one.

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washingtonpost.com:

That wraps up today's show. Thanks to everyone who joined the discussion.

Stay Tuned to Live Online:
• 11 a.m. Life at Work: Amy Joyce on the daily grind
• Noon What's Cooking: Kim O'Donnel on food
• Noon Funny? You Should Ask: The Post's Gene Weingarten
• Noon Strength & Fitness: Personal Trainer Marty Gallagher
• Noon Levey Live: dcrtv.com Editor Dave Hughes
• 1 p.m. Station Break: Paul Farhi on radio & TV
• 1 p.m. Media Ownership: The Post's Frank Ahrens
• 1 p.m. Lean Plate Club: Sally Squires on eating right
• 2 p.m. Teacher Says: Evelyn Vuko helps you help your kids
• 3:30 p.m. Media Ownership: Common Cause's Chellie Pingree

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