Washingtonpost.com: Live Online

Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.

Appearing every Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ® offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 30-something repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that’s about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.

The transcript follows.

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Confused: Where do you go to find a woman to seduce your fiance? What does something like that cost -- is it by the hour, or by the umm, service?

I'm not planning to do it, I'm just amazed at how naive I still am.

What a screwy world we live in!

Carolyn Hax: I'm naive and I read this sh*t every day. I'd rather be naive though than always expecting the worst.

Washington, D.C.: Got very drunk a couple of weeks ago and had unprotected sex (stupid!) with a very shady partner. How long will it be until I know whether or not I got lucky and made it out without any STDs? I know for a fact that I did not contract HIV. However, I am worried about other things such as herpes. I feel dirty.

Carolyn Hax: I won't answer you with specifics here because the detection times on these things can and do change, and these transcripts are eternal. Go to www.ashastd.org or, even better, call one of the hotline numbers there--you'll get a live, informed person whom you can pelt with questions.

You feel dirty. I understand. But please also recognize that, while you didn't exactly take the best care of yourself you possibly could, the two tempations you succumbed to--lust'n'liquor--have been claiming the best of us, if only for a night, for as long as there have been other people and alcohol. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Detroit, Mich.: What's the ettiquite for wedding/bridal shower gifts? I've been invited to the wedding and the shower. Do I give two gifts? Just a gift for the wedding? If I'm supposed to give two gifts how should the amount I'm able to spend be split up? Help! The shower is this Sunday!

Carolyn Hax: You have to bring a gift to the shower, since that's what a shower is. Beyond that, it's up to you--another gift for wedding, card for wedding, small gift for shower/big for wedding. The amount for each is entirely up to you, because these are symbolic sendoffs into the couple's new life together, they are not orders that need to be filled. (Not that you were implying they were.)

Oh, and people keep asking me to post a reminder--wedding gifts are not to be brought to weddings. They are to be sent to the home directly.

Washington, D.C.: My bf is not a touchy-feely kinda guy. I am very touchy-feeling and very sensitve. We have discussed the situation and he says he just isn't into physical contact, yet I feel that he's just repulsed by me. I don't even know how to go about initiating intimacy because his lack of response makes me feel inadequate and humiliated. Any advice?

Carolyn Hax: He isn't into physical contact. He isn't going to change.

No City Please: Do you think it wrong to spend a gift certificate that you were had been given by a relative on a present for a friend? I was broke, and, if anything, thought it generous of me to sacrifice guiltless spending for my close friend's birthday. In casual conversation with her, no back-patting requested or even considered, I mentioned it. She said it was like I "recycled" my gift and it "didn't count." I was hurt, but pain doesn't mean that I was right and she was wrong. What's your opinion?

Carolyn Hax: A gift with follow-up criticism of how you chose to enjoy it is not a gift. That means you were right and she was wrong.

Washington, D.C.: Regarding the poster who "feels dirty" after her drunken one-night stand: If you feel dirty, you need to listen to your conscience. Shame on you, Carolyn, for telling someone to ignore it. While you're right that there's no use in this person beating themself up, he/she should learn from the mistake and make some changes in their life, however they determine, to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Carolyn Hax: Shame on you (God I hate that phrase) for piling on when the damage was already done. Clearly s/he knew s/he screwed up. Did anyone really need to point that out?

Olney, Md.: To D.C.:

I used to do HIV/AIDS education. You may "know" that you didn't get HIV, but the virus may not know that you know that. If you had unprotected sex, you could have contracted it. It can be contracted during "protected" sex, if you're careless.

Please get tested.

Sorry if this brings anyone down, but many people downplay their risk to make themselves feel better. You know what will really make you feel better? Get tested, know for sure.

Carolyn Hax: Thank you--I meant to call the person on the "know," because there's no such thing. Appreciate the catch.

Anywhere, S.C.: Carolyn,

I'm a single girl in my mid-20s, been out of a relationship for about a year and wouldn't mind having a boyfriend again. But with every guy I go out with lately, even those who seem like they'd be perfect, I seem to find something wrong. I can't stop myself from looking for flaws, which always ruins everything from the beginning. Someone suggested that I am doing this out of fear, but I don't think that makes sense. Meanwhile, I'm afraid I'm running off good guys for really dumb reasons. Any advice?

Carolyn Hax: What's with this "seems perfect" and "flaws" and "dumb reasons" in the first place? Maybe fear is behind it, but the problem I see is an approach to people that's just counterintuitive in general--as if you can veto them like a bill because you don't like a line item on abortion.

People come as a whole. You befriend or love or dislike them as a whole. Nobody is perfect, potentially perfect, perfect for you until you know him inside and out. If someone doesn't give you the overall feeling of wanting to be around him more, then don't see him again. If he does, then do. And if you're picking these poor dates apart, save them the 100 bucks and do somethign else for a while.

California: My good friend is pregnant. The problem? She's only 16 years old. She's keeping the baby and it is due in a couple of weeks.

In the past year she's gotten really weird. She ran away last Novemeber with her boyfriend, then came back, told her mom she was pregnant and moving out to her boyfriend's mom's house. Well this last June her mom made her come home because of some law that says she can't move out and live with her boyfriend.

Now she constantly tells her mom she hates her and that she doesn't consider her as her mother, but only considers her boyfriend's mom to be her mother. His mom is crazy (she didn't even care they were sleeping together in the first place and wants them to get married -- at 16! Neither of them have jobs or licenses, not to mention a high school diploma.)

I don't know how to handle all of this, I am only 17 myself. I love her mom and I feel bad for her. She is bent on marrying her boyfriend and running off when she hits 18. How can I continue to be her friend and help her out without showing her I that I support the way she acts?

Carolyn Hax: Your friend needs outside help, big, now, both for the obvious emotional/home stuff and to handle that baby. You caught me unprepared, though--I had a good list of resources for you but I changed computers this winter, and I think it might be on the old one. I'm going to dig around right now, and in the meantime, if there are any peanut suggestions, I'd appreciate them.

Mountain View, Calif.: Good morning (Pacific time here):

What happened to the Monday live chats with you? Your column keeps saying that you're here Monday at 3, but unless it's on a super secret part of the site, that doesn't seem to be the case.

Carolyn Hax: Really? I thought the change was reflected immediately in the blurb at the end of the column. If you tell me where you see the column (printed Post, online, syndicated paper) I'll track down the error. Thanks.

Oh, and what happened is I got too busy.

Omaha, Neb.: My newish boyfriend and I just started having sex and he's having "performance problems" which we've identified as due to performance anxiety. I am trying to be as supportive as I can, but am concerned that he's starting to get distant and really bothered by it. Do you know or maybe do any of the 'nuts know, what can I say that he really wants to hear? I'm afraid he might take my "It's not a big deal" "It happens to a lot of men" as being cliche and while it is cliche, it's still the truth.

Carolyn Hax: Be boring verbally and creative physically. "don't worry, I'm not going anywhere" might be better than the no-big-deal, because it is a big deal to him.

washingtonpost.com : We didn't make the Monday change everywhere because I wasn't sure if it was long-term or not. -- Lisa

Carolyn Hax: Makes sense, thanks. Long-term question is still open, BTW.

Re: STDs: Centers for Disease Control also has some good info on STDs on their Web site.

Carolyn Hax: Great, thanks.

Bloomington, Ind.: How do you broach the subject of "where we are going" to someone? Here is the scenario: was seeing a great guy, was in love, etc., etc. He decided that things were getting a bit too intense for him and that we should see other people, but still see each other. We have continued to talk over the past few weeks, since we are good friends anyway, but haven't talked about where we are going or what we even are to each other anymore. I'm sort of feeling in limbo, not knowing if we are actually still seeing each other or if we are just friends now. Help!

Carolyn Hax: You broach the subject by broaching the subject, but I'm not sure you need that from him. Listen to yourself, look at what's happening, figure out what YOU already know. It's probably a lot more than you realize, it's just been pushed to the background by what you've been looking or hoping for.

Bethesda, Md. Carolyn,

I'm afraid that I might be staying in my current relationship because of inertia. I can see myself with OR without someone else, but it's not like what I have now is all that bad? But is that good enough? Thanks!

Carolyn Hax: How good can it be if you fear you're there by default?

Washington, D.C.: I've been dating "Sarah" for a few months, and she's fabulous -- everything I could want, and then some, except for one thing: we haven't had sex yet, and she's made it clear that we won't any time soon. She's still a virgin -- not because she's waiting for marriage or anything like that, but just because she wants to have a really solid relationship first, and that just hasn't happened yet (even though she's had two previous long-term -- more than a year -- relationships). She told me that up front, and I thought I'd be OK with it, but I'm missing sex a whole lot more than I thought I would (and yes, I'm aware that there are alternative ways to relieve sexual tension, but they're just not the same). So I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to hurt her or lose her over this, and I'd feel like a total jerk if I broke up with her over this, but I'd feel even worse if I pressured her into something she's not ready for, or if I cheated on her. But I don't think I can deal with waiting as long as it looks like I'll have to wait, and it doesn't seem like I have any other options.

Any suggestions?

Carolyn Hax: Hm. I could argue both sides here. Shoulder Angel says if she's worth it, you'll wait. I think everyone here who has gone a year or more without sex and was over 18 at the time (show of hands at your desks) has just felt a crushing wave of nonsympathy for you, even though, granted, it's more difficult when you've got the person you want picked out, and she's kissing you.

Shoulder Devil says you two may well have irreconcilably different views about sex, and even if you achieve relationship solidity (ahem) as quickly as this weekend, you may run across other issues later. Not a fer sher, just a possibility to consider.

For the friend of the pregnant 16-year-old: The kid needs parenting classes, among many other things. If you call the reference desk at your local library; they can probably give you a list of organizations in your town that offer these and other support systems. Reference librarians keep information like this on file.

Carolyn Hax: Brilliant, thank you. I'm always leery of posting organization names for this particular issue because it can get so politicized. This works.

Re: Touchy-Feelies: I don't think that a non-touchy person is incapable of change. When my parents were first married, my pop was pretty non-touchy. So my mom says she did little touchy things, giving a hug, holding his hand, quick love squeezes and pats. After a while (read: year or more) he was so accustomed to this, that he started to reciprocate, and really changed quite a bit. So, be very patient and very low-key.

Carolyn Hax: I like it, as long as it comes with low expectations. Not everybody is going to respond, necessarily, and the ones who do may never come around to be as touchy as the partner would like. People who have partners with steeply varying needs of any kind--affection, sex, companionship, even sleep--need to be really honest with themselves about what they can happily live with.

Washington, D.C.: You were great yesterday on NPR. But, you talked about fake questions which is apt because I think the paid seduction one had to be fake. I don't doubt the someone might think it but the logisitics of it are pretty daunting if you think about it. When would the "seduction" stop? Does the payer, pay extra if it doesn't? The whole thing seems a bit over the top to me.

washingtonpost.com : BTW, you can listen to it at npr.org. Show was "Talk of the Nation." -- LT

Carolyn Hax: Thanky. Actually, I was talking to someone about that letter, in deep disgust, and that person had actually known of someone who did the same thing. So that's why I said what I said about fake letters: I know they're out there, but if the situation could/does happen and if there's something to be said about it, then who's to say what's fake and what's real? Plus, you have to admit, the too-weird-to-be-true bar has been set pretty high.

To Omaha, Neb.: DON'T DO ANYTHING. I went through this for a while early on with my girlfriend, and her attempts to help only made things worse. I knew that she meant well, but every time she said "It's OK" or "Don't worry about it," I became more frustrated. He's got to work through this himself. if you give him time, he will. The important thing is that you don't take it as his not being attracted to you, or you may feel the need to press him.

Carolyn Hax: From the horse's mouth. Thanks.

Re: Relationship inertia: But Carolyn, don't good relationships settle into a comfortable rut in time? And can't that be a good thing? Do we really need to reaffirm each day that the relationship is the best possible for us? And how can we know that, anyway?

Carolyn Hax: A comfortable old relationship is a good thing if you think it's a good thing, thus my answer.

Virginia: I have a friend that has been kind of moody recently. I'm thinking that maybe it's just that time of the month and I need to suck it up and deal. But what if it isn't that time of the month? How do you tell a friend that is arguing with you a whole bunch that they are being moody without an argument starting?

Carolyn Hax: Why do you have to TELL her anything? Why can't you ASK if she's okay?

New York, N.Y.: My wife and I had our second child in December. After the first, she had a fairly serious case of post partum depression, which went untreated for a bunch of reasons (mostly, we didn't recognize what it was and were both a little overwhelmed with the new baby).

When the PPD kicked in again with the second, we were much better prepared for it, and her Dr. put her on Prozac, which has helped enormously. The problem? She has no libido and no desire to even cuddle or hug in bed, and after seven months with virtually no physical affection between us, I'm starting to get a little nuts. When I talk to her about it (gently, diplomatically, and non-judgmentally) she gets defensive and makes an effort for a day or two then back to nothing. I keep telling myself to just suck it up, I'm an adult, it'll get better eventually, etc., but on some level it makes me feel really unloved and unappreciated.

Any suggestions for coping with this? BTW, she stays home with the kids, had lots of help the first few months with the second baby and I help out a lot on the weekends (taking care of the kids, laundry, cooking, etc.) and evenings so that she gets some solo time and a break.

Hoping this too shall pass, and thanks for all the great advice I've read in your colunm.

Carolyn Hax: You're welcome. Now please, please take this advice: Her lack of interest has nothing to do with your being unloved or unappreciated. I has nothing to do with YOU, period. Depression, Prozac and having a baby are known, powerful libido suppressors on their own. As a threefer, you're out of luck for a while. Accept, support, shut up. And I say this in the kindest way.

Any city, Va.: Carolyn,

My husband and I have been married for about three years. Initially, we both said we didn't want children, but now I am finding that I really do want us to have a baby. This isn't just that my biological clock is ticking and I want to have ANY baby -- I want to have our baby. Unfortunately (for me), my husband is far more freaked out about the idea than I am and still doesn't think he wants kids.

I'm fairly certain that this desire to have our baby won't change, and I'm not sure my husband will come to any other decision either. We're not the type to try and make the other "come around" to the others' line of thought, and I refuse to just get pregnant "accidentally" and not tell my husband. That would be deceitful and show a complete lack of respect for my husband, his thoughts and feelings and our marriage.

How do we get past this? I love my husband very much and I don't want to and won't let this become a deal breaker for our relationship. Any thoughts?

Carolyn Hax: Can you ask him if he would clarify whether this is freaked-eeeeeh-I'm-not-sure hesitation, or I-don't-like-kids-period resistance? There's a hey-uge difference. Anectodally, at least, men are often extremely resistant to the idea of baby noises, poop, lost freedom, lost control over the remote, etc., and then end up over the moon for their kids. (and I'm going to get 50 posts from these dads if I don't make this point properly.) But then there are some who do not want, and will never want, kids. He owes it to you to get to know himself well enough to figure out which one he is.

Manassas, Va. (for online): If a person is legally separated and mentally and emotionally unmarried but has to wait for the divorce to be finalized, is it immoral for that person to fall in love with someone else?

Carolyn Hax: As if you could decide not to fall in love. I assume you mean to get to know, get closer to, get involved with.

I dont believe paperwork decides what's really up to the heart, as long as all parties are an agreement on the over-ness. Some people will declare me immoral for this.

And they will -really- hate this: I think vows are a johnny-come-lately. You're in or you're out.

Washington, D.C.: My boyfriend and I moved in together with the idea that we were getting married really soon. We had one bad argument last week, and he decided that he was moving out. He claims this is a temporary arrangement, but I feel lonely and rejected in our apartment. He wanted to leave so that we can both work on out issues and come back stronger. But when I see him now it's really awkward. Advice please!

Carolyn Hax: Be glad it happened now. I know that's not what you wanted to hear, but the way you two argue, and the way you deal with the fallout, will tell you more about your chances than anything else. Feel awkward? Okay then. Go talk to him. "I feel awkward." Go go go.

Tucson, Ariz.: Carolyn.

I have just been diagnosed with some sort of chemical imbalance, or depression. My GF of four years would not even visit me in the hospital, as she did not want to go to the "wacky ward."

So she dumped me. While I was in the hospital. Her family is stunned and angry with her, and in fact her sister and I still hang out together.

How do I ask her what I did wrong? BTW the medicine is working, and I am getting out of my slump.

Carolyn Hax: You picked a bad girlfriend. But you seem to have recovered from that, too. Mazel tov.

Glens Falls, N.Y.: You touched on something in today's answer to the letter from the woman whose husband brought home a dog she didn't want, but then I think you shied away. You said it was easier for her to hate the dog than the spouse, but seemed to brush it aside with a joke about finding a new home for the guy -- that is, the dog. They do need to find a home for the dog, but they also need to figure out if they have a future together. Granted, disagreeing on having a dog isn't like disagreeing on having a kid, but it's a lot like having one person want to live in the country and one want to live in the city. It's more than a "who wins the argument" difference, doncha think? (And if he tries to solve the dilemma by presenting her with a mutt accompli, they're REALLY in trouble!)

Carolyn Hax: Hm. I don't think I shied away. I advised her to be honest with herself, and then with her husband, that she is angy at him, not the dog. That's where they need to start; the future of their relationship together is at least 10 steps down the road from that, and if they do the talking part well they won't need to go more than two or three. IMHO, of course.

Arlington, Va.: Carolyn,

I've been with my boyfriend for almost five years, living together for half that time. We've talked about marriage in the past, and we both indicated strong desires to marry one another. Now we're nearing our five-year mark, and I'm getting antsy about whether he will ever pop the question. I'm thinking about bringing up the subject, but my pride tells me that the highest compliment a man can give a woman is to ask for her hand. What should I do?

Carolyn Hax: Then the highest compliment a woman can give a man is to ask for his hand. No?

Ex-20037: Speaking of anxious dogs, how is the Boo?

Carolyn Hax: Very relaxed and very fuzzy, thanks. Recovering nicely from knee surgery.

To: No libido's husband: Her doctor should be able to prescribe other antidepressants that do not have such a pronounced effect on libido. They are at least worth a try. An Internet search is a good way to learn about some of them.

Carolyn Hax: You're right about the other meds, but I think wrong about worth a try. The payoff, of course, is that they start having sex again. But the risks are: that she will read the suggestion as pressure, and that pressure will come across as insensitivity to the fact that she's going through some big stuff, too; that her libido would remain suppressed because of the new-baby stuff; that switching meds would send her out of whack again when she's currently feeling okay; that the new meds will also suppress her libido, because the effect of these meds on any particular individual is not a perfect science. Which brings me back to: accept, support, shut up. In the nicest way, of course.

Touchy-Feely Girl: We've been friends for years, just started dating a few months ago. So it's as if the dynamic of our relationship hasn't really changed since the days when we were only friends with no real physical contact. I'm concerned because I've seen him with previous GFs -- holding hands, hugging, even [shockingly!] kissing. He says that he was just going along with what they were doing.

Carolyn Hax: I don't know what to tell you. You can try the gentle guide-and-thaw, and see where that takes you, if you can resolve to be patient and not keep flogging yourself. (I see it, you've got the what-is-it-about-me? thing going.) Or, you can find a way to accept him, or you can give up. There aren't a whole lot of options when it comes to somebody else.

On having babies: Carolyn, this one may sound trivial, but it's not to me. I always thought I wanted kids, but the way my husband's kids from a previous marriage have turned out and how horribly and gratuitously they have and continue to hurt him, I'm just scared. I always knew there were no guarantees, but having such a rotten experience so close, I'm really scared.

I really wanted to give him a real family. I am afraid it can turn into a second installment of his current nightmare. I know I'm being paranoid and I need help cooling down to try to make a reasonable decision. Where can I find that help? Thank you.

Carolyn Hax: How could that possibly be trivial?

And how is his present family not "real"? That's not the attitude I'd recommend while launching a second attempt.

Novel idea: If the previous-marriage kids are still in your home, even just part time, try out your motherhood ideas by making the effort with them.

If they're grown and gone, you've got one question to answer. Is your home a good one for kids? Given that your husband will be half of your kid-raising team, and that he was previously half of what you think was a highly unsuccessful team, please resist the temptation to blame the grown monsters entirely on the ex-wife.

As far as help, I'm not sure what you want, since this all goes on on the inside.

For Tucson, Ariz.: I was involved in a serious relationship with a man who was stable when we began, but continued to fall into a deep depression for a number of reasons. As someone who loved him, I felt like it was watching him die slowly. His problems pulled our relationship into a codependent unhealthy situation.

It wasn't until he took a vacation with his family that I got a "break." In that time apart I realized how distructive our interactions were for both of us. Even though I loved him, I broke it off for my mental stability as well as his own.

That was three years ago and now we're good friends. He is stable, happy, and off medication. He and I are both involved in our own healthy relationships.

But we needed at least a year to heal and make ourselves whole people again.

I'm not saying that your girlfriend broke up with you for the same reason, I'm simply suggesting that some space and reflection might be good for you as well.

Good luck!

Carolyn Hax: This is a great story, and I agree with the moral of it, however: Tucson's GF refused to go to the "wacky ward." Two established couples, then half of couple gets sick, then all similarities end.

To PPD's husband: From a family with a history of depression (me, my mom, my sister): if you remain supportive now, all of that positive reinforcement will, um, payoff when she's better. Nothing like devotion when you know you've hit rock bottom. She WILL remember.

Carolyn Hax: Better intuited, but if it has to be said, then so be it. Thanks muchly.

No libido: Yeah, but then what you're saying is that it's okay for one half of a relationship to not consider the other half's feelings. Don't you think that at the seven-month point someone (we'd hope it was her) would say, "This is not normal. It's hurting our relationship. Let's see what we can do about it."

Yes, yes, hubby's in a much easier position than wifey, and support/shut up will be big parts of the plan, but poor guy!

Carolyn Hax: Well, wait--which half are we talking about here? I believe I am consistently on the record saying that when half of a couple feels sexually neglected, the other half owes it to the marriage/relationship at least to try to address any problems. But: Sometimes, half a couple also has to acknowledge that the other half's concerns might be greater than feelings of sexual neglect. Her major physical changes, major emotional changes, major hormonal changes, major brain-chemistry changes, versus his missing sex. I'm sticking to my guns here: He cannot press this without coming across as insensitive and self-centered. This is a common problem, AND IT PASSES.

Trying to avoid bridezillahood: Wedding Question Alert.

Hi Carolyn!

I'm getting married later this year and I'm having a slight problem picking a bridesmaid. The "obvious" choice is someone I've known for years, and we even work in the same office now, but now it's like we're friends by default even though we grew apart during college (our families are pretty close, too). The problem is I don't really want her as a bridesmaid since I don't really see us as close friends anymore (and my fiance doesn't care for her too much, either). But I don't really have any other girlfriends to pick from -- most of my close friends were guys. I know this isn't a huge issue, really, but it's been bothering me lately.

Thanks for any input you and the peanut gallery can provide!

Carolyn Hax: Pick the guys or don't have bridesmaids. There are no laws here.

Washington, D.C.: Carolyn,

Hi. Here's my situation: I'm dating a "mama's boy." My fault, I know. I should not have ever gotten involved with him. Everything else about him is great. I love him dearly and hope to get married some day (soon!). I cannot stand his mother. She is always getting in our business. I didn't want to be the cause of a falling out between he and his family (especially the mother). But it's getting qutie difficult. On one hand, I think he should be standing up for my honor, but then again it is his family. I've tried to "wean" him from his mother. And he said that he will change, but it will take time. This I understand. Is there any hope for us? Or will he be spending the rest of his life under the unforgiving hand of his dictatorial mother? Any suggestions will be MUCH appreciated!

Carolyn Hax: No, no hope. Not unless he has actively, clearly, and of his own volition, drawn the line with Mommy.

BTW, there is a law in this chat. Use of the phrase "everything else about him is great" is strictly prohibited. He is who he is who he is. And his mom is on the phone with him subtly criticizing you. ("You look so stressed lately ...")

Manassas, Va.: Thanks very much for the answer. My girlfriend and I are already considered as immoral by our families and friends.

Carolyn Hax: Celebrate! Get pregnant.

I think that's the universal sign for It's Time for Carolyn to Sign Off. Thanks, everybody, and have a great weekend.

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To Washington, DC: You sound like don't dig this guy as much as you think. SOunds more like you dig the idea of marriage.

Carolyn Hax: Ooh, nice one.

Washington, DC: RE: post-preggers, no sex.

While being supportive and non-pressuring is great, how long is he supposed to put up and shut up? Clearly, 2weeks is no long enough, while 10 years is too long. So where's the break point? 1 year? less? more?

Carolyn Hax: Another good thing--thanks for bringing it up. From what I've heard, the women who ice over (and not all do, I think it's just a crap shoot) tend to have thawed by the end of a year. After that, you start shopping for torches.

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