Washingtonpost.com: Live Online

Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.

Appearing every Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ® offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 30-something repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that’s about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.

The transcript follows.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

To read the most recent responses, click "Get New Responses"
or select "Automatically Update Page."

Washington, D.C.: After discussing the baby/no baby question with several good friends, more than one has replied, in summary that my husband and I really seem to enjoy each other and our lives seem fun, full and complete, so we could easily do without a baby; whereas for other couples there would be some kind of void. Most of our friends openly admire our marriage and friendship. Questions: Is the converse implied in this comment -- that babies are a way for uninteresting couples to fill the next 18 years? Shouldn't the fact that we are a great team and enjoy each other's company weigh in favor of our taking on another joint project? Not that I am seriously considering their comments in my decision-making; I just want to know what the general thinking is on such matters.

Carolyn Hax: I don't know that I know the "general" thinking on anything, but whatever it is, I hope it's not that jaw-droppingly stupid. Wow. My thinking is, you have kids because (1) you want kids, (2) you are ready to make them a priority at the expense of some pretty cool things and (3) you think you and your partner are happy enough, compatible enough, and temperamentally well-enough suited to make a happy place for a kid. OR (3a) your single life is flexible, warm and sufficiently supported to make a happy place for a kid.

State of Bemusement: After reading today's column I'm forced to smack MY head and ask "why do people think that men and women can be 'just friends'?"

I'm sorry, I know you disagree, but how many of your letters involve people who have a "friend" who they're attracted to or who's attracted to them? How much conflict does this cause in relationships?

"He/She's just a friend" is a LIE that we tell ourselves because we don't want to admit that we're attracted to someone else, or that we LIKE the fact that someone else is attracted to us.

Men and women can't be true friends because one of the parties ALWAYS wants the relationship to be more than a "friendship."

Thanks for letting me rant a bit. I haven't had my coffee yet.

Carolyn Hax: Well, have some, because you're being extremely unpleasant. Smack your head, too.

Some of my greatest friends have been men. Some of them became my friends after we burned off/outlasted any initial attraction, some of them have been gay, some of them happen to have been very attracted to someone else and that was fine by me because so was I.

A lot of friendships are afflicted by lurking attractions (some of which grow into brilliant and enduring romances). But if you;re going to go into a blanket rage about all of them, I'm going to disagree with the kind of force one can only summon when one live's every day with the evidence that you;re wrong.

Fluff City: This is totally a fluff issue. I am nine months pregnant and due to pop at any time. My husband and I were watching "Friends" last night and they used the name (Emma) we spent months picking out to name the new baby. Now we're worried everyone's going to think that's why we chose that name. We aren't planning to pick another name, we're just frustrated and needed to vent.

Carolyn Hax: Don't worry, playgroups have been well-stocked with Emmas since long before Friends! Sorry. Couldn't help meself. The few people who do make the connection will have forgotten it by fall. TV shows are vapor these days, especially TV shows in their 40th seasons.

Rash Decision, USA: My father passed away this past weekend. In what can only be described as a "cloudy moment of clarity," I decided to declare my love for my ex-boyfriend (and still great friend) in a letter to him. I don't regret it now, but know that I will have to face the outcome of my actions later. How do I save face when truly, I did it out of fear and vicious immediate loneliness?

Carolyn Hax: I'm sorry about your dad. Tough thing.

Question, though: WHY do you want to save face? You were emotional, you were honest, congratulations. I wish we could all live like that. Now you feel less emotional, but you can still deal with it honestly when the outcome knocks on your door.

Washington, D.C.: Regarding the first question, I'm sorry but I've never read anything on here so annoying. I mean, what a total little prig. Why didn't she just write, "my friends have all spent the past week patting me on the head, but I'd like the whole world to pat me to, so..." OK, I'll stop here. No question, just a little steam.

Carolyn Hax: pffffffffffffffffffff

Baby Central: I don't mean to knock the person who wrote the first question, but if deciding whether or not to have a child is tough at all, don't have one! Children turn your life upside down to an extent you can't possibly imagine -- lots of it is incredibly great, but it's all tons of work without enough sleep. And no child deserves parents who resent them for needing what all kids need. I really think the easiest way to get through it all is if you can't (or wouldn't want to) imagine living a childless life.

Carolyn Hax: What fun--I agree 100 percent with the last two sentences and 0 percent with the opener. With all the truths you cite, I think it's only fair to grant that an informed decision can be a tough one for some people (and better informed than not, right?). Someone who, say, wonders if she has it in her to be a good mother can really struggle, and decide to go for it, arguably make a great mother, because she's conscious of her limits.

The Rough Patches: Hey Carolyn,

Love your chat. Hope you can get to mine today.

My best friend's mother has cancer. Things look bleak. My best friend, who has never been great and dealing with problems to begin with, isn't taking it well. She's on anti-depressants and for the first time in my life I've heard her say that she wishes she were the one dying. I want to help but I don't know what to say. When I do try to help, she pushes me away. I love her terribly. How do I stay supportive? I've never been in a situation like this before.

Thanks, Carolyn!

Carolyn Hax: Hey, thanks for trying to be a good friend. It is a rough patch, for you both. But I take issue with your suggesting that your friend isn't taking this well. Does "well" mean "not that emotional"? Your friend is on antidepressants, which means she has sought help, which tells me she's doing okay. And I don't even think it's that odd for her to say what she did about dying. Watching someone suffer can really bring that out in a person; the desire to be able to DO something is powerful, and one of the points along that trajectory is to want to assume the suffering oneself.

As for her pushing you away, that can be normal or a bad sign or even a healthy one. It depends on so much--on what you're saying to her, what she's saying to you, where she's seeking support ... e.g., she could be withdrawing and getting more depressed, or she could be seeking comfort in someone who really -gets- what she's feeling right now. Nothing personal, just efficient. She might not have the time or emotional resources to "train" you how to support her.

What you might want to try now is just asking. Explain that you want badly to be there for her, but don't always know what to do. Again, she might not have the will to explain it all, but she might, and you might hear something that you can use. Another option is just to call with tangible suggestions for things to do, and for which you handle all the details. Suggest a X-hour-long hike at XXX place and you'll pick her up. Or you'll make her dinner on XXday, if she's free. Give her companionship that she doesn't have to work for. Don't make her think.

Single Dating Man with Kids: Hi Carolyn --

I've seen advice articles for single parents trying to get back into the dating world, but what advice do you have for a single, never been married woman dating a divorced man with two kids? I know the normal dating/plain old courtesy rules should apply here -- respect myself, respect him/them, follow my heart, pay attention to red flags, yadda yadda -- but do have any extra advice?

I'm 27, he's 35. He was married for seven years, has been divorced for the last three years and his little boys are 7 and 5. He says he's on good terms with the mom (she had an affair and left him but hasn't remarried and currently has a boyfriend) and they have equal custody.

Date #1 went well and Date #2 will likely be dinner at his house after the kids have gone to bed.

I like what I know about him so far and would like to get to know him better. That's simple. But, close friends are nervous for me and wonder if I should even be exploring something with him because of the challenges ahead. I don't want to cut off the chance of having a potentially wonderful person in my life to avoid possible future problems/heartache. Is this my answer? What say you?

P.S. He likes my shoes so far!

Carolyn Hax: What is this, Moronic Advice From Friends Day? As if single parents don't have enough to worry about, they're now undatable?

You like the guy, so pursue it as cautiously as you should any relationship, because people are complicated and take time to get to know, and then more cautiously because kids reduce the margin for error. That's my advice for dating someone with kids: Thinking before you act isn't a luxury any more, it's a necessity, because you're doing it for more than just you.

Washington, D.C.: What's the best way to drive from here to Brooklyn?

Carolyn Hax: Amtrak.

Washington, D.C.: Can you explain this guy behavior. When he is with you he is absolutely amazing (talks of love, marriage, kids, etc). But when you are not he seems to completely forget to call, e-mail, make plans. So you only end up getting together one time every few weeks when the girl makes the effort. Can you help me to understand?

Carolyn Hax: No, because then you'll start thinking and stuff. This is who he is, take or leave.

San Francisco, Calif.: Hello Carolyn! I’ve enjoyed your chats and columns for a long time and now would like your take on a situation.

I’ve become good friends with a woman I work with and I have reason to believe that her job is in jeopardy. While going through my boss’s calendar -- something that is a routine part of my job -– I saw that he was interviewing someone for her position. It’s possible, though unlikely, that either the company is looking to expand her department or looking for an independent contractor to take some of the work off her shoulders.

My position allows me access to a great deal of confidential information and I take that very seriously. However, I would hate for my friend to be blindsided by this and I want to warn her that this might happen and maybe she should make sure her resume is up-do-date, etc.

If I tell her, I will be violating my ethics and will seriously erode my boss’s faith in me (as I’m sure he’d find out that I told her). On the other hand, if I don’t say anything, I don’t feel like I would be being a good friend to her. On the third hand, I could say nothing, nothing happens and everyone’s happy -- A situation that is about as likely as my growing a third hand. I’m hesitant to bring it up with my boss but maybe that’s because I feel uncomfortable about the whole thing and it’s making me chicken----.

Right now, I’m leaning toward keeping my mouth shut and that’s what I will do unless I really feel that telling her is the right thing to do. But this is weighing on me and I could use some objective input. I’m sorry this is so long. Thanks very much.

Carolyn Hax: Oh, no no, you can't say ANYthing. The professional obligation alone is enough to decide that one, but if you need encouragement not to feel bad, you also have an obligation to your -friend- not to meddle. If you're even one degree off on your theory of what's going on--and since you're not privy to any decisions, that's entirely possible--you could set your friend off on a completely inaccurate course.

And if THAT's not enough, there are the potential consequences to consider: They're just not bad enough to warrant an ethical breach. If she does get "blindsided," she'll still manage just fine. People do every day, even without the benefit of well-placed friends. In fact, her knowing, possible weeks and weeks in advance, might torture her more than a clean bolt from the blue. So, repeat after me: "I don't know anything. I don't know anything."

I say this to my mirror every morning.

Another baby name issue, or...: ... Promises Made to the Dead

The only (and I mean that) disagreement my husband and I had before we got married was about what to name our hypothetical first-born daughter. He wanted to honor his beloved great-aunt Gertrude. I hate the name, but was willing to shorten it to Trudy. (Still not my first choice, but at least I could stand it.) So he told Auntie Gertie (that's what everyone called her) our plans. She was so pleased, and once I got to know her, I didn't mind the idea.

Well, the daughter is no longer hypothetical, but is due any day now. And my husband has told me he doesn't like the nickname Trudy. I still can't stomach Gertrude. "But we promised Auntie Gertie!" Well, she's been dead for 3 years now; I don't think she'll mind if Gertrude becomes a silent homage as a middle name.

What say you? Fluffy enough for Friday?

Carolyn Hax: No, actually, I find this upsetting. Stubborn people do that to me.

Your poor kid is going to have to wear that albatross for the rest of her life. Your husband backed out on his Trudy promise to you, so he can back out on the Gertude promise to Gertie.

My apologies, Auntie G, but you were of a more innocent age.

Brooklyn or bust!: Take 95 to the NJ Turnpike. Get off at the Goethals Bridge/Outerbridge Crossing exit, go through Staten Island, cross the Verrazano and stay to your right, getting on the Brooklyn Queens Expressway (BQE). That last part assumes you're going to the northern part of Brooklyn, like Brooklyn Heights. If you're going to the Coney Island, Southern part, stay to your left and and take the Belt Pkway. Have fun! Eat some good food for us!

Carolyn Hax: This is correct, except that on 278, you'll be wishing you'd taken the train. Granted, it was pre-Christmas, but I hit that point once when my trip was deep into Hour 7. uuuuu.

Dating a Dad: I have one caution to add to the thought proces of dating a man with kids. He may feel very strongly that he does not want more kids. If the first writer is only 27, she may want to consider this. It is kinda hard to bring up on a second date, but listen for signs.

Carolyn Hax: Or, ask. Maybe I'm getting old, but that just seems easier.

RE: The Rough Patches: Carolyn, I have to disagree with your response to the woman who's depressed and who's friend's mother is ill. Just because she's on anti-depressants doesn't mean she's getting help, particularly not necessarily the kind she needs. People can often get anti-depressants just by asking their ordinary physician, particularly if there's other things going on like in this case, without getting counseling, therapy, etc, and, while I fully believe in the value of anti-depressants, that may not be all they need. Also, I believe from difficult personal experience that any time someone says they wish they were dying that needs to be taken seriously--if the friend is in that situation and it troubles her, she needs to respect that feeling and fear--her friend's life could be at stake. Thanks.

Carolyn Hax: Okay, happy to print the other side. I will say, though, that even if the anti-D's came from an "ordinary physician," it's still a sign that she recognizes that she's in trouble and needs some help, and that she's not afraid to ask for it. Is she in therapy too? Dunno, and that's a good point, and the friend perhaps can suggest it. But her seeking the help that she did is not to be discounted when dealing with someone who's sad--and I think it's a mistake and a dangerous bias to suggest a connection between medication and not handling something well. Comments like that perpetuate a stigma that deters SO many people who could benefit from meds from trying them.

About your difficult personal experience; I am sorry. Any scenario I add up from that is profoundly sad. At the same time, saying "I wish I were dead" and "I wish I were the one with the terminal illness" are two different things, IMHO. I'm not saying this to score any points or defend myself, just to suggest that there are nuances here that might dictate dramatically different approaches. An I-wish-I-were-dead might get an emergency-type intervention, and the I-wish-it-were-me-and-not-Mom might get someone to stand really close by to make sure her friend was okay--where an emergency reaction might just drive the friend off. I think the key things from your comments are, stay close, listen, trust your gut. Thanks.

Smack Dab in the Middle: Dear Carolyn --

I can't tell if I'm interested in an old friend from college because she's wonderful, smart, friendly (and available) or because I'm lonely.

The friendship was always strong, but I never was really attracted to her in -that- way. But we still chat regularly and the potential certainly seems there.

Great, right? What's the problem? It's just that I am lonely right now and I know it. I'm afraid it's coloring my opinion of our relationship (current job location is _very_ short on potential female companions -- not nuclear submarine or Cell Block D short, but as close as it gets in the civilian/non-incarcerated world).

And when I move (next few months), will I still feel the same way I do now? Part of me says I'm a fool for not at least giving it a try, but I like this girl. And, paraphrasing the song, if you're not in it for real, get outta here.

Any words of wisdom?

Carolyn Hax: So are you attracted to her now in -that- way? You never really say, and that's all that matters. If you aren't, you aren't, don't do it. But if you are then knock yourself out.

The Fluffiest of Questions: OK, I've had my dog for eight years. Named him Montgomery because we got him from the shelter in Montgomery County. Call him Monty for short. My sister and her husband just had their first child, a boy, and they named him... Montgomery. Fair enough, as they named him after my bro-in-law's grandfather, per tradition. We spend a lot of time together, and they've asked me to rename the pooch so that their little ball of joy doesn't get confused later when he becomes sentient. It seems silly to me, but family harmony is more important and this... in the grand scheme of things, ain't a big deal. My wife thinks it's silly and we shouldn't do anything. Any thoughts?

Carolyn Hax: I'm actually with your wife on this one. Puh leez. Besides, your Monty is 8 and is not going to be sharing the earth with their Monty for long.

Great,now I'm all choked up.

Washington, D.C.: Carolyn,

I have a question for you. My husband's sister absolutely hates me. Never mind the fact that I have never even had so much as a five minute conversation with her, she still hates me. I believe that this has a lot to do with my husband whom she also hates (hate by association). This wouldn't bother me so much if it wasn't for the fact that she will practically attack my mother-in-law for having my husband and I over or doing anything with us. My mother-in-law takes this fairly well and, just recently, started standing up and telling her to get over herself. However, I am sick of it. I think it has gotten beyond ridiculous that my mother-in-law has to warn her if we are coming over so that she can either not come over, leave, or hide upstairs from us. I can understand this of children, but my husband and I are 27 and she is 24. You may not be able to advise me on this one, but I have always been very close to my brother and everyone else in my family (even in-laws). I have just had it with her, even though I keep thinking that if we could just talk we would get along fine.

Any suggestions?

Carolyn Hax: Now wait a minute. You lobbed a "however" right after the most salient point: Your MIL is telling the sister to get over herself. Yes, it must be very disconcerting to be hated by someone who doesn't even know you--but it's better, frankly, than being hated by someone who -does- know you. This way, you can be sure that is all about her. Plus, even the inconvenience is absorbed by others, not you. You go over to your MIL's house, and she and the daughter are the ones who do the adjusting. And, from the sounds of it pre-however, the MIL is adjusting in her way at her pace. Of course, this isn't just a practical issue, it's a moral one, and you do have all the high ground. But I suspect that if you insist on asserting your claim to it, you'll just make an already difficult situation even tougher for your husband and his mom. Back off, I'd say, be loose, and as long as the situation is inching toward improvement on its own, don't create any more work.

Baby names...: Or, you can give your child a great-sounding, meaningful name that everyone loves, only to have an older sibling twist it into "Pooter" and have it stick.

(Still sorry about that, Pooter.)

Carolyn Hax: No, don't apologize--thank you! Now I know there's a Pooter out there.

Rename the dog...: Not to mention the old saying about teaching old dogs new tricks, erm names. It'd be a real pain.

Just have the parents call their kid Gomer. :D

Carolyn Hax: Or teach the new Monty to fetch.

Don't want to be a Bridezilla!: Hi Carolyn,

I love your chats and advice. I've finally got a question for you of my own. I recently got engaged and am going to get married in five months. One of the first things that I'm going to do is try on dresses. I invited my Maid-of-Honor/best friend of 11 years to come help. She had a camping trip planned and since this was such short notice she wasn't sure if she'd be able to get out of it or not. She was coming home Sunday night and contemplated coming home at 2:00 instead to make the appointment. She called me this morning to say she couldn't come and started to say things like, "This is the only chance I have to go camping." She said it in a way that seemed like she was almost trying to make me feel bad for wanting her to come. So I just said I'd like for her to be there, but it was her decision. I know it was last minute of me to invite her, but is it wrong for me to say that "This is my only wedding and I shouldn't have to justify myself for wanting her to be there?" Especially if it just means her coming home a few hours early from a camping trip? Thanks for the help!

Carolyn Hax: Wow. Usually the don't-want-to-be-a-Bridezilla brides are as far as possible from it, but, um.

She is camping this weekend.

You can shop next weekend.

End of hissy-in-waiting.

She was defending herself kinda funny, perhaps, but how tight a corner did you back her into?

Washington, D.C.: Just found out a coworker/friend is pregnant. I've been unsuccessfully trying to have a kid for six years now. Tough to be happy and excited when it's such a raw wound.

I really hate to feel sorry for myself -- makes me feel like such a jerk. I guess it's getting better though -- the last time a co-worker made the big announcement, I cried every night for a week.

Any suggestions? I just keep saying congratulations and being as enthusiastic as possible. I'll probably have to excuse myself from major "baby planning" chats, though.

Carolyn Hax: Probably. I'm sorry. This just sucks, and I'm not sure there's any advice for This just sucks. For what it's worth, though, you sound as if you're showing a lot of class by not taking other people's happiness as a personal slap in the face. Hang in there.

Somewhere, USA: I might have a sleeping disorder. Where can I go for help? What type of help?

The problem is that I am in my 30s, female and have never been able to sleep if someone, even my cat is in the same bed. When I was married we had to use two beds. Also, I sleep with a fan on because I muffles city sounds. I cannot sleep with any noise or light, so therefore no radio or TV can be on, neither. Does all of this sound too extreme to you? I can sleep, otherwise, but it hurts my significant others that I cannot share a bed with them. What should I do?

Carolyn Hax: Couldn't hurt to talk to a doctor. There are sleep specialists, and the way I'd find one is to start by asking my doctor. Connecting dots in the medical world is never very hard--it's part of a doctor's job to be able to make informed referrals.

Washington, D.C.: Hi Carolyn,

You promised last week to take up the issue of cohabitation before marriage this week. So what gives? Have you seen the light? Or just slightly changed your ideas about it? Why the change of heart?

Thanks!

Carolyn Hax: Ah, I forgot, and I didn't see this question till now. Thanks for the nudge.

My opinion is pretty much unchanged, but with some added maneuvering room. I still think it's a bad idea for a marriage-minded person to use cohabitation as a kind of tryout for a potential mate. SO many breakups that should happen end up getting postponed, even thwarted, because the lease and dividing of stuff presents too high a hurdle to face. I can't tell you how many times I've read questions about bad relationships that incluse the phrase, "but we live together, so ..." There's should be no buts here. If it's wrong, it's wrong. Plus, people tend to shack up so young, and for all kinds of terrible reasons--to save money, ack--which so often ends up going sour.

The exception I always gave before was engagement: If you're engaged, you;'ve already worked out the do-we-get-hitched issue, which is another classic cohabitation calamity ("I really want to get married, he says he likes things as-is!!!"), and you get the benefit of that last-chance compatibility check.

The new thoughts--actually, new-ish, I actually talked about all this already, a pretty long time ago--are that if it's right, it's right. Meaning, if this is a person with whom you've decided to share your life, and (this is key) if you would be perfectly content never to marry, to live with this person as-is happily ever after, then go for it. Aside from being what gay couples are all but forced to do, I've found anecdotally that this is what people do when they've had marriages and kids and now just want a companion--in the way of, say, Jackie O, who lived with her friend for many years at the end of her life.

Full disclosure, I always thought this way about people of a certain age, but now I'm leaning toward, hey, if marriage isn't your thing at any age, whatchya gonna do? Shack up. There are so many ways to be happy. Just be honest with yourself about which one really suits you, and don't hurt others deliberately in the process, you won't get a hassle from me.

Why?: I have a hard time believing any one would WANT to ask someone to change the dog's name because they named the kid that.

It just seems like a waste of breath, time, energy, and really, incredibly, overwhelmingly petty.

Carolyn Hax: You're preaching to the choir, but, amen.

Don't want to be a Bridezilla!: The funny thing is that all I did was ask her to come! That's why I was kinda thrown off a bit.

Carolyn Hax: Well then, maybe she is just squirrelly. Or maybe your "ask" is a happy camper's "pressure." Just postpone the expedition and ask if you crossed any lines and don't blow things out of proportion.

Communication, what a show. (Apologies to Mel Brooks.)

Good v. Evil: Dear Carolyn,

I am great friends with Girl A. I can picture myself living a wonderful life with Girl A. Smart, funny, etc. She is soooo take home to mom.

But I lust after Girl B. There is no specific Girl B, but I see them all the time. And I'm not after some supermodel or a Calista Flockhart imitation with big boobs and a size 0 waist.

I want to like Girl A. I really do. And I don't even like most Girl Bs that I know! I keep thinking I'll grow out of Girl B and more into Girl A, but I'm 25 now and it doesn't seem to be happening. Maybe some people get this out of their system in college or highschool. Maybe the fact that I'm a late bloomer socially has something to do with it. Maybe this is why the divorce rate is so high.

But I still don't understand why I so desire what I know is not good for me while spurning what I know is what I eventually want anyway. Should I find a Girl B and try it out and see how bad it really is? Maybe Girl C (for combination) is out there somewhere? Arggg. I need some guidance here.

Carolyn Hax: Guidance? Here's guidance. 25 is YOUNG. Infantile. Fetal. You're not a late bloomer, you're a guy. Yeesh. What am I saying, women at 25 can feel the exact same way. You sound like a college guy, so you're 2, 3 years out on your own, max. There's so much you still need to know about what kind of life works for you.

And even if you weren't egregiously normal, the whole idea that you can force yourself to be normal is a non-starter. You are the way you are and you're lusting full time for Gilr B. Do you like Girl A? Then don't make promises to her that you're nowhere near able to keep. The cruelest thing you could do to her is to try.

Carolyn Hax: Shoot, 2:20, I should have saved that one for a column. Oh well. Thanks everybody, have a good weekend and type to you next Friday.

| |



	<img SRC="washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/liveonline/redesign/adv_discusssion.htm" width=125 height=110 border=0>