Washingtonpost.com: Live Online

Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.

Appearing every Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ® offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 30-something repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that’s about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.

The transcript follows.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

To read the most recent responses, click "Get New Responses"
or select "Automatically Update Page."

Alternative Dating Methods, Washington, D.C.: Morning Carolyn!

What's your opinion on the under-30 crowd using "alternative dating methods (i.e., match.com, speeddating, etc.)" to meet people?

Is is safe? Desperate? Just fun (I'm in this school of thought)?

Carolyn Hax: Then why mess it up with my opinion?

Which is, a meeting method is only as good as the people you're meeting. When a resource attracts a bunch of people who are there because they failed at face-to-face efforts, then that's what you'd have to deal with. When it's a what-the-hell place for the healthy, as a lot of these things are becoming, then I guess you just say what the hell. With a caveat--that speed is just not the way to connect with people, except when luck factors in.

Atlanta, Ga.: Hi Carolyn and Lisa!

I recently became involved with "Trent," the man I have waited for all my life. He is wonderful, kind, sexy and loving. I adore him.

Trent says he loves me, but for some reason, he refuses to spend the night at my apartment (we rarely go to his). We are both single, and our sexual relationship is terrific. I do not understand why he won't fall asleep by my side. Occasionally, he will stay until morning, but we both are awake the entire time.

Last week, Trent said he had to go out for a quart of milk and he would be right back, but he didn't return. He called later and said he had to go home. Once, he suddenly "remembered" something and left abruptly. When I confront him about this odd behavior, he becomes upset and angry.

We have already had a few heated arguments, and I fear this will wreck our relationship if I continue to pressure him. Nonetheless, I know something is wrong, and I can't figure it out. Please help me.

Carolyn Hax: What's wrong is that your perfect-man name is Trent.

And that you see arguments as something that will "wreck our relationship" and not as remedies for unacceptable things. The more afraid you are of losing someone, the more stupid sh(ee)t you will put up with and the more miserable you will make yourself in the end. Cut it out. If it isn't right, don't take it.

And that you waited "all your life" for someone with whom you do not communicate well. Or at all. Wonderful is someone who doesn't jerk you around. Kind is someone who doesn't find ways to blame you for his jerking you around. Sexy is someone who shares his whole self, the emotional and the physical.

Get out of the dream sequence, and see the life you're really living.

Casual observation: In my office, the drywall at forehead level is starting to buckle.

Unwanted Daughter, Virginia: Hi Carolyn,

I feel a little silly about what I'm about to get your advice on. I'm a 30-year-old stay-at-home mom to a wonderful little boy. The problem is my mother. She is always complaining about me. Many times I feel as if she regrets the fact I was born. But if it's not the fact that I'm fat (I'm a size 14), then I spend too much money, or have an unkept home, or don't know how to raise my son. Mostly she complains that I'm too fat. If I say anything in opposition, she says I'm being disrespectful. It has gotten to the point where I have blown up at her several times in the last month because I couldn't take it! It doesn't help to talk to her about it. She believes she's right all the time. Should I just grin and bear it?

Carolyn Hax: Oh my. You don't grin and bear life-threatening toxic exposure. You need to set limits for Momster immediately, and stick to them, even when she gets even worse in response. You tell her you are a grown woman, you won't tolerate her speaking to you in that way, and that you will go home/hang up/leave the room when she does. Calmly, quietly DO it.

I also think a spin with a therapist couldn't hurt, before you deal with your mom. I;m not sure you fully appreciate how destructive her cruelty has been, or what has motivated it (it has nothing to do with her thinking "she's right all the time"), and that understanding will give you much-needed fortitude in your effort to change the dynamic.

Washington, D.C.: Hey Carolyn --

Met a very nice guy at a party, he asked for my number and we've gone out on three dates now. He's kindly paid for all. He's really nice, makes me laugh, there does seem to be chemistry, yet no action. Not even a kiss! Not that I want him to maul me but does this seem right? We're both out of town this weekend but plan to meet up next week. I just wonder -- are we dating or am I his new best friend?

Carolyn Hax: A real cliffhanger! Not much you can do but see what next week will bring. And it and the week after and the week after bring nothing but an increasingly urgent sense that, hm, something's wrong here, then something probably is.

By the way, I hope you've offered to pay.

Somewhere, USA: Carolyn:

This is an etiqutte/hurt feelings question:

Recently my ex and I kind of got back together. I broke us off four months ago. Yet I really like him. Now, he called two Sundays ago Sunday for a date. That date was very nice. Yet I want to take things slow. So our next date was going to be a week later, today! Yet, he called me last night at 10 p.m. to say that he had learned at 6 p.m. that he had to work (volunteer work). He sounded apologetic and said he would call to apologyze again and hear my voice.

How can I handle his next phone call in an etiquette way that also handles my feelings? Am I wrong to feel slightly wronged? What would you do? Would you trust to go out on another date with someone who called you the night before to cancel.

I was so happy when we reunited! Out of silliness I kept saying to myself: "Can you say Happiness?" But his call deflated that.

Carolyn Hax: "Can you say Overreaction?"

Chantilly, Va.: Carolyn,

What's the outfit of the day? Casual? Shoes?

Carolyn Hax: Fuzzy casual. Black t-shirt, denim skirt, fuzzy slippers.

You were hoodwinked: The question from Atlanta about her boyfriend Trent was in Ann Landers today.

Carolyn Hax: Fine by me, since I didn't read Landers today.

Virginia: Can we PLEASE do a fluffy show? It's spring, it is a gorgeous day, the sun is out . . . sometimes the stuff people send in is SUCH a bummer.

Carolyn Hax: Anyone?

Boston, Mass.: Dear Carolyn and Lisa:

What do you make of the statement "you chose to be my friend, and you knew what I was like"? I have had two ex-friends say this to me right after they majorly screwed me in some way. I am a little jarred by that statement. It implies I asked for it.

Carolyn Hax: "If you know what you're like, how can you stand yourself?"

This is what new friends are for.

Edating USA: Hi Carolyn --

I know you mentioned this before but I can't recall your thoughts on e-mailing when it comes to dating.

The guy I'm dating (only a month) just e-mailed me yesterday asking me what I was "up to this weekend." And he doesn't even know if I'm in the office (I travel a lot and he knows this). Haven't received a call in half a week either which is unusual. Me thinks that I might be getting dissed or put on a slow simmer.

It just seems to me to be a half-arsed effort in trying to keep me in the loop but showing that he really doesn't want to make definite plans, etc.

I've decided not to e-mail back and hold out for a phone call or maybe in this case -- nothin'. Am I overreacting here?

Carolyn Hax: Hm. it would be an overreaction if you were reacting just to the email, but you're not, you're feeling blown off in general. So the best response is the honest one--not "Hey, are you blowing me off?" per se, though that does work. I mean honest in that you do what you most feel like doing. If that means you blow off an email that strikes you as being too lame, then, blow it off.

San Diego, Calif.: Hi Carolyn,

I am dating a man (he's 27) who is Filipino. He still lives at home with both parents. He says its a cultural thing to stay with the family and save the money for the family, not throw it away on rent, while I think its a sign that he hasn't wanted to deal with the responsibility of growing up and getting his own life. What do you think?

Carolyn Hax: That these aren't mutually exclusive, and that your informed judgment about him as an individual should carry far more weight than anyone's generalization.

Washington, D.C.: What are your thoughts on moving into a house where you are very attracted to one of your housemates? Both of us are in serious relationships but the attraction still exists. Am I getting myself into a huge mess?

Carolyn Hax: Probably.

washingtonpost.com: There are seven kajillion notes about Ann Landers and "Trent." Thanks. But they're keeping me from finding real questions. -- LT

Carolyn Hax: Okay then. No real questions.

Factoid of the day, Lisa doesn't read Landers, either.

NO FLUFF!: The usual stuff in this chat reminds me that there are people in the world who are much more messed up than I am! This chat is the best cure for depression there is! Even better than that new 'Placebo' stuff! ROFLMAO is my usual reaction to the questions asked here.

Carolyn Hax: And at 2, you go back to pulling wings off flies.

Washington, D.C.: I feel a little foolish asking this question, but do you have any thoughts on saying "I love you" for the first time? Boyfriend and I (both mid- to late-20s) have been together almost five months and things are going great. I'm confident from his actions that he feels the same way I do, but I'd love for him to say it first. Am I just being immature?

Carolyn Hax: If you LOVE him say you LOVE him.

Carolyn Hax: drywall now on floor.

UK: Carolyn,

As of April 26, the following appeared: New York, N.Y.: Carolyn,

My roommate's boyfriend said he couldn't see her for seven weeks while he wrote up his thesis, and in this period she began a relationship with a friend of ours "just for sex." Boyfriend has now finished thesis, found out about this relationship, called her a whore and dumped her. And she's really surprised and upset.

Carolyn Hax: Finally, the real story of why we can't wear white shoes until Memorial Day.

I have a roommate in a similar position, and furthermore, she will not shut up about how heartbroken she is. I find it hard to see how you can be heartbroken about losing someone you cheat on while they are stressed and preoccupied, but I've tried saying "well look, you obviously had a totally different outlook on your relationship." If she does not shut up, I will feel quite tempted to inform her she is a stupid whore who should hhave known far better than to cheat on someone gone for seven weeks. Help.

Carolyn Hax: Okay, but I think from the responses to that posting that I was the only one who was also (admittedly less) unimpressed with the boyfriend who banned his GF for seven weeks. I posted that response because I thought not only that both parties were awful, but that the awfulness spoke for itself.

Hello, what about consideration, discipline, planning? Did he not eat, or sleep? A whole lot of people get through theses, dissertations, boards, filings, applications, new babies, major illnesses and deaths without telling the people closest to them to go piss off for two months. Puh leez. What a rotten, disrespectful way to treat a loved one. So you spend much less time together, so the loved one agrees to roll with the moods and study breaks, so you do most of your visits by phone. There are ways to do this.

Now, if that loved one is clingy and passive-aggressively interferes with his work, then he needs to deal with -that- problem, and directly--by setting limits or breaking up. And, of course, if the loved one doesn't like being told to get packing, then she should deal with -that- directly, too--by protesting and/or refusing, and not by boinking the neighbor.

You had a question. Tell your awful friend that if she had a problem with losing the guy, she shouldn't have cheated on him, and if she had a problem with being cast aside for 7 weeks she should explain to the guy she was angry and that she feels it was a fair reaction regardless of the fact that she misandled that anger with an appalling lapse in judgment. Or go with the standard respnse to the won't-shut-uppers, a kind and well timed put up or shut up, please.

Vienna, Va.: So this might be a stupid question, but how do you go about asking if you've been blown off? I mean, there's the obvious tactic ("Hey, you blowin' me off?"), but I was hoping for something a bit more subtle.

Yeah, tact isn't my forte.

Carolyn Hax: No, I think it's just fine.

Please take my wife's cat: Please help, I need a woman's input on this.

Here's the skinny: My wife has a cat. Said cat has all sorts of mysterious ailments. Wife spending good chunk of our house downpayment on cat vet bills. I'm furious. Don't want cat to suffer, but it's only an animal, think nature should take its course. Already had big fight over this, see more on the horizon. Further problem is my wife is always upset because "We don't have enough saved to buy a house." Which leads to me saying "lose the cat, get a house."

Carolyn Hax: I hope you are saying that to her, and not just to me. This "woman's input" is that I'd rather hear I was coming across as stupid and/or unrealistic so I could either explain myself or change, vs. having a spouse seething at me on the inside.

I also can't shake the misogyny sensation, that there's some little-woman marginalizing going at work here ...

Anyway, wouldn't hurt, either, if both of you found a way to accept the fact that the sick cat is the current household priority and be done with it. You're not going to get her on the nature's-course side, so the best you can do is disabuse her of the idea she can have both. If in fact that's what she believes.

Okemos, Mich.: Just wondering.

How come there's such a "pregnant pause" in between questions and answers? Like five to eight minutes sometimes?

Carolyn Hax: No credit for the length of the answers that follow the pauses?

I think before I write.

Philly, Pa.: Hi Carolyn,

Would you be offended if your fiancee-to-be bought the ring from eBay or someone else instead of the jeweler?

My real question: I know diamonds bring lots of pain to my people in Africa and I don't want to participate. Any suggestions on engagement rings other than dimonds? She is as non-traditional as I am in evry way but wedding ritual (I am a lucky guy!)

Carolyn Hax: Have you looked at her other jewelry, to figure out her taste?

New York, N.Y.: Dear Carolyn,

You always advocate honesty and not game-playing, which I've come to see the value of (the honesty, not the game-playing). But what if you're a person who tends to fall too hard too soon? I know instinctively that my fear of losing someone will make them shy away from me, so I try to pretend I don't feel as strongly as I do. But I see that it really would be better to deal honestly with people (men in whom I am romantically interested). So my question is, how can I tamp down my feelings of like/love/lust when I know they exceed his? Or do I just have to wait until I find someone who feels just the same about me as I do about him? I haven't come close to that so far. It seems like as soon as a guy wins me over, I get too into it and he loses interest.

Thanks.

Carolyn Hax: Instead of pretending not to feel so strongly, figure out your whole impulse to cling. You refer to your "fear of losing someone." What is that, and why, and how can you get a hold of it?

This is not Kentucky!: Hi Carolyn,

I've written in about this the last few chats and now the situation has escalated. A few weeks ago I found out that a friend has been having a very sexually charged e-mail relationship with his first cousin who lives in another. When he told me I was horrified and told him I thought it was a terrible idea and would destroy his family if word got out they were involved or (God forbid) sleeping together. He denies that it'll ever go that far but I think he's delusional.

Now he tells me that she's coming for a visit and he wants me to hang out with the two of them. I'm hesitant--I dont' want to be the designated chaperone and I think they're playing with fire. What do you think I should do?

Carolyn Hax: Find something else to worry about. It's not Kentucky, but it's also not your business. And it's been shown that it's not as risky to offspring as everyone thinks*, and, while it does make the masses go "ew," that's something he already knows.

*possible factual-inaccuracy warning. I'm typing off the top of my head here, but I think I did see an article that said the birth-defect risks between first cousins is double-ish that of unrelated parents, but that its twice a minuscule number and therefore still minuscule. If I'm wrong, let the flogging commence.

Philly, Pa.: Thanks for the response. She barely has jewelry, never has the interest to buy any. The good ones she has are from Ten Thousand Villages! (Told you I was lucky!) I am sure she will be happy with anything, but I want to make it special as well as a bit traditional.

Thanks.

Carolyn Hax: Sher thing. Go with a precious gem, if there's a more politically correct one out there. that should cover it. And get the metal color right, too; women tend to prefer one or the other, yellow gold or white/silver/platinum.

Or let her pick it out.

Or buy the stone and let her design or choose the setting.

Reston, Va.: Ms. Hax: Question from an "out of it" father who just picked up his freshman son at university. While marching back and forth with boxes going to the car, I saw a "50 Things Girls Wish Boys Knew" posted on the bulletin board in the "women's hall" of the co-ed dorm. Most were stuff along the lines of "we appreciate being noticed," and etc. However, scattered in there were such lines as "girls like sex just as much as boys" (fine), then "foreplay is not an option" (fair enough) and "most of us don't like giving oral sex, so be prepared to reciprocate." Am I just out of it to think maybe this shouldn't be posted on a bulletin board in a freshman dorm?

Carolyn Hax: Hey, if means they get the message, write it on the sky.

That's not what you wanted to hear, is it.

But I don't know what to tell you--there just aren't a whole lot of secrets out there, especially not in a dorm. Plus, I'm a different out-of-it vintage, which means i'm happy that women's assertion of self is no longer limited to wages and Take Back the Night.

Somewhere, USA: Study: Birth defect risk lower than expected for cousins who have a child (Atlanta Journal-Constitution/New York Times, April 4, 2002)

Hax is right

Carolyn Hax: Hax is in the shower.

Thanks.

Cat guy again: Okay, so it looks like I just have to deal with it.

In any event, there is zero "little-woman marginalizing" going on here. I'd think spending all this money on a cat is insane if it were by brother or father. Just complicates things when my wife complains about financial problems and refuses to see solution to the problem, stop treating her cat like a human being.

Carolyn Hax: Fair enough, thanks. I just got a vibe, and felt I had to ask.

BTW, have you been that clear with her, that the cat money IS the house money? Maybe if you assure her that you're not saying this to persuade her to part with the cat, only to get her to see the connection and accept the results of her choice?

Seriously PO'd: Hey, Carolyn --

I'm really angry at my younger sister right now and I'm trying to decide whether to confront her or just let it go. To make a very, very long story short, she's been dating the same man for about three years now (she's 26, I'm 28). About once every couple of months, she'll call and tell me how her boyfriend is all wrong for her, treats her poorly, isn't smart enough, etc. I listen and try to offer advice, but she always goes back to him. Well, about two weeks ago, I thought things were finally over. Once again, she said she had to get out of the relationship but this time her complaints were more specific -- he dabbles with hard-core drugs and ditches her to go watch strippers on the weekends with his buddies. I offered to fly to New England to help her move out, I offered to let her come stay with me, I told her she really ought to leave him. At the end of the conversation, I was relieved. It sounded like the relationship was finally about to end. Then on Sunday I get a call from my parents. My sister is now engaged to her creep-o boyfriend. She hasn't had the guts to call me yet, although she did send me an email asking me to be the maid of honor. I'm flabbergasted. And I don't know if I can ever believe another word that comes out of her mouth. I know if I confront her she'll be very defensive. But I feel entitled to some sort of explanation. Should I call her and yell or just suck it up for the sake of family harmony?

Carolyn Hax: You offered to fly up to see her, so do it. She isn't marrying badly to hurt you, she's doing it because she's not healthy. You probably won't talk her out of it, but if she were in any other kind of peril, you'd at least try to help her avoid it--and facing her and saying "I am really worried about you" is the best attempt you can make here.

Not from Kentucky, but...: I know this wasn't the point of the questioner, but could we please lay off the white-trash stereotypes? We southern Appalachians run into this very frequently, especially among "liberal-minded" urbanites, and while I can't speak for all of us, I sure do get tired of hearing it. To be honest, I don't understand why it's OK to make hillbilly slurs when it's (rightly) not ok to make them about other groups. Sigh.

Carolyn Hax: Funny thing about this. I have a nice collection of letters from people complaining that they are the last slurworthy group. Fat people, short people, bald people, white people, men. (Short fat bald white men are PEEVED.) Liberals, conservatives, liberal-minded urbanites, Southerners, foreigners.

You are all absolutely correct. Which is why we try to be scrupulously fair here by making fun of everybody.

It's hard to concentrate with that banjo noise in my head.

Make the first move: In response to D.C. who has gone out with a guy three times and he hasn't kissed her yet, it could just be he is very interested in romance but is shy/inexperienced/nervous or whatever. She could try making the first move if she is interested. Why does it always have to be the guy?

Carolyn Hax: Got me.

Washington, D.C.: I'm a 29-year-old male whose never really had a romatic relationship longer than a month. I'd say I'm average looking, good personality, sociable, normal with some insecurities, but I can't seem to find anyone I like or maintain a relationship longer than a month. After a lifetime of passing flings and one night stands does it become more difficult if not impossible for a person to create an intimate relationship. I'm worried that I may be clinically incapable of forming relationships, should I begin to worry, what do you think?

Carolyn Hax: Do you have lasting friendships, are they satisfying to you, are your befriending only one sex and trying to date the other? Are your ties to your family strong? In a good way, or a suffocating way? These answers will tell you whether to worry or not about your ability to experience intimacy. The problem isn't the accumulation of flings, it's the absence of self-awareness and its consequence, productive change.

Too tired for therapy? Washington, D.C.: I am dealing with a myriad of things: Husband who is going through a sick mother, unsupportive father, work stress and has an anger management problem that he recognizes and works on. I feel like I am heading down the road to a serious depression with some things I am dealing with on my own. I feel that I do not know how to be supportive of him and I am afraid to put more of a burden on him with my own feelings at this time. I need to express some things to him that I feel our relationship needs some help, but I don't think this is the proper time. But, I need someone to talk to. I think he does, too. We have been to therapy briefly before for some other problems, but at this time I don't even have the energy to seek out a therapist. Help.

Carolyn Hax: Yes, you do, you do. Really. Do you have an Employee Assistance Program? That's your best bet. Call your benefits dept, if you have one, and ask. Or dial the Women's Center right now (703-281-2657) and, if it's not near where you live, ask them for suggestions for centers closer to you. Or: American Psychological Association, 202-336-5510. TDD/TTY: 202-336-6123. The best way you can support your husband right now is to take care of yourself, I promise.

No More Mr. Nice Guy?: ONLINE ONLY: Is it possible for a guy to be TOO nice to a woman? Is it the kiss of death to remember that she likes one-and-a-half creams in her coffee or to not call her when "Friends" is on? Do women prefer the challenge of a less considerate man?

Carolyn Hax: Only the ones not worth your time.

It is the kiss of death, though, if you're more unctuous than kind. That says "I don't care who you are you're somebody and I'm hanging on for dear life," which is never a hit with the ladies.

Not being accusatory, just thorough.

Outside the Beltway: Why are you so against the idea of soulmates?

I know there are lots of "good" matches for everyone out there, but on rare occassion I meet the couple who are not just in love, but really in synch. Not necessarily the same thoughts and interests and personalities, but, well, the perfect "fit." Is it wrong to hold out for that kind of connection?

Carolyn Hax: Of course not. I think I need to start a new collection, of opinions that have come back to me twisted beyond recognition. (Speaking of which, I HAVE REVISITED MY OPINION OF COHABITATION. I can't tell you how many questions start with, "I know you're universally opposed to shacking up so please spare me the lecture." Oyness. For the recond, I am -conditionally- opposed.)

There are some couples who are more than in love,who are really in synch. Two people who have a lot in common and are mature and whose hangups align nicely and, most of all, who aren't afraid of the deepest darkest corners of intimacy, are a walking ad for being single as the only alternative. But you have to be ready to be single to think that way, and a lot of people aren't.

What I reject is that there's a "one" out there for us all.

Small Town, USA: Last fall I moved from D.C. to a small town. It's beautiful, on the water and I feel very safe. The problem is everything closes as dusk, the community is not diverse, and the job I am doing was not what I was hired for. So I want to move. Problem is I feel like I am admitting defeat if I leave. I know no place is perfect, but I feel like if I pack up and move again it can't possibly look good to future employers. I finally got myself settled in, gotten comfortable and I have discovered it's not where I want to be. Should I tough it out? I thought about just changing jobs, but there's not a lot of opportunity here.

Carolyn Hax: If you were evaluating somebody, which would play better with you: making a difficult choice to correct a mistake, or suffering to avoid looking bad?

Carolyn Hax: In case that last answer came off abruptly--I just meant that the best way to get out of any imperfect situation is to handle it as gracefully and neatly as you can and hope for the best.

Oh will you look at the time. Thanks everybody, and have a beyootiful weekend.

washingtonpost.com:

That wraps up today's show. Thanks to everyone who joined the discussion.

Stay tuned to Live Online:

Film: Rita Kempley at 2 p.m. EDT

Did you know that you can follow more than one Live Online discussion at the same time? Just open another browser window and toggle back and forth between discussions! And, if you miss one, catch up with the Live Online transcripts.

Keep up with the latest in news, sports, politics and entertainment with washingtonpost.com e-mail newsletters.

NEW! Personalize your Post with mywashingtonpost.com. Get customized news, traffic, weather and more.

Arlington, VA: Ok, I'll bite: what are your new conditions on co-habitation? I ask b/c I'm currently in the process of starting to co-habitate, and despite the fact (?) that we are already pre-engaged (I'm looking at rings with his OK), I have lingering guilt b/c of the stats involved with this.

Carolyn Hax: Ask me next week?

| |



	<img SRC="washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/liveonline/redesign/adv_discusssion.htm" width=125 height=110 border=0>