Washingtonpost.com: Live Online

Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.

Appearing every Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ® offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 30-something repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that’s about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.

The transcript follows.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

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Arlington, Va.: I like him, he likes me. Plus, serious sexual attraction. I want a relationship, he doesn't want to be tied down.

Is it worth sticking around? (We're both 29.)

Carolyn Hax: Nope.

Vienna, Va.: Carolyn,

Can you help me conduct a personal sanity check? Should a fiance have any reason to feel that a breach of trust has occurred if she learns that her spouse to be has, unbeknownst to her, had numerous meetings with his ex-wife over a period of several months? Are such meetings something that a person one sees every day would be likely to forget to mention to the person he lives with?

Carolyn Hax: Nothing wrong with seeing the ex, nothing wrong with forgetting to mention it once, maybe even twice if the relationship is above board and not at all charged.

A lot wrong with concealing all visits, a LOT wrong with brushing off the responsibility and/or making fiancee feel like a jerk for protesting secrecy of visits.

Washington, D.C.: What a tangled web we weave, Carolyn. Friend dating girl whilst cheating on her with previous girlfriend. Professes not to "like" either. Realize I need to MYOB but too many people getting hurt here. Can I do anything?

Carolyn Hax: Reconsider Friend?

No City, No Sstate: I find this man in my life incredibly attractive, and we have spent some time together. The physical chemistry is great, and we tell each other stories -- but I can't seem to relate to him on a deeper level. We just don't click.

We're from very different backgrounds. His childhood was wrought with abuse, mine was very sunny. He dropped out of high school traveled the world and never went to college. I did the whole college thing and find education very important. He believes in the "school of life."

I find him very interesting, but we can't seem to find common ground. I am not mentally attracted to him -- and lately because of that the physical seems empty. I feel sort of like a snob if I end things. But I can't very well stay with someone just because I feel obligated. Does the common ground really matter? He's such a good person, and we're very attracted to one another physically. I'd hate to throw something good away.

Carolyn Hax: Good, except that you've spent two paragraphs talking yourself into liking him. First graf says it all, if you ask me. Oh wait, you did.

Camden, N.J.: Hey Carolyn,

In Sunday's column, you answered a girl who was taking advantage of the friendship of some poor sap who was in love with her. If it'd been the poor sap who'd written to you instead of the girl, who was plenty aware of the inequity of the friendship but a bit too in love to walk away, what would you have advised him to do?

Carolyn Hax: I would have told him she was not a nice person and that he should walk away. But I would have used a lot more words.

Washington, D.C.: I don't think I like my best friend anymore. And here's the catch -- she's also one of my roommates (three best friends moving in together seemed like a really good idea at the time). A lot of it has to do with her Christian fundamentalist misogynist boyfriend who I'm not really a fan of. She'll complain about how he treats her and the things he says that she can't stand, but then she spends all her time with him and defends the sexist things he says as "cultural differences." She talks about how she needs more space, and so instead of going over to his apartment spends two hours on the phone with him talking about how she needs space. She says she's trying to get him to change, and that she "loves" him, but he's 29 (she's 22) and I just don't see it happening. I just feel (for these and other reasons) that I can't believe anything that comes out of her mouth any more. Harsh, I know, but that's how I feel. I've tried calling her on this, and she promises things will change, but they never do. Any advice?

Carolyn Hax: Funny, she sounds like the person a couple of questions up, who thinks she is obligated to stay with a guy because he didn't go to college.

Charity, renovation projects, affirmative action and research all have their place, but a relationship isn't it--and your roommate apparently hasn't grown up to the point where she'd see that. And this is obnoxious to live with, I'm sure. And if you have grown away from her, you wouldn't be the first best friends to go through that.

Aaaaaaall that said, I still think you're being too harsh. A little. Or, better yet, too impatient. She is 22 and being a doink, which doesn't preclude one day turning twentysomethingelse and being pretty cool. Keep the whole mess at arm's length, be honest with her when she asks you, and see where things go over time.

Re: Recently indicted father: Dear Carolyn,

Long-time lurker here. Love the column and chat.

I read last week’s live chat after the fact. And I wanted to respond to the person who posted the question regarding what to tell her daughter about her recently indicted father.

I was in a very similar situation many years ago, except I was the daughter. My mother was pregnant with me when my biological father was arrested and eventually sentenced to prison for raping a woman. I, of course, was too young to know any of this. My mother, though, was always very honest with me about him. From a very early age (7 or 8), I knew that my father had been in prison when I was born. I was told that he had "gotten into trouble with the law" or had "made some very bad mistakes." Then at about 12 or 13, my mother told me what he had been convicted of. I had no emotion for him because I didn’t know him. But I was worried about his victim. I asked a lot of questions, but my biggest worry was wondering if I, his biological seed, was anything like him. My mom was great at pointing out our differences. She also managed to point out his "good" qualities, although I’m sure they must have been hard for her to find. I have always appreciated my mom’s honesty, especially because our family’s advice was to not tell me at all. I know it wasn’t easy for her to talk about. And I’m sure she struggled with the same "when do I tell" questions.

I guess my point, or my advice, is to be honest and be ready for questions.

Carolyn Hax: Great stuff, thank you.

Washington, D.C.: Carolyn --

I respect your advice and thought that I would just run my problem by you.

I have a friend of six years who occasionally speaks very critically to me. Usually I just take note of what she says, but have realized that cumulatively her comments really annoy me. So at this point, I don't want to see her.

Have you heard of this? Someone who gradually grates on your nerves to the point that you just opt out of the relationship because of it?

Carolyn Hax: Thanky.

I get this question multiple times a week. People come to the conclusion all the time that this boyfriend or that friend or whoever has had a cumulative bad effect on them. Standing up to this is difficult and often painful but in the end can feel pretty good.

San Francisco, Calif.: Hi Carolyn, I've been dating this guy for a couple months -- we used to work at the same company, but I've since moved on. Has been very fun thus far -- no hiccups. I recently applied for a new, dream, job for which I need a number of professional references. Without asking, I put him down as a ref for my (our) old company. Well, he told me he feels uncomfortable being my reference! He wants me to call them and submit a new reference! Is this weird? Or do I just take references less seriously than everybody else? I mean, I know he thinks I'm smart, etc., etc., but I think he feels he can't supply enough examples of my work because we didn't work in the same department. He knows I had great performance reviews while there. Plus, he's always trying to convince me to come back and work at our old company -- at a position for which he would of course be a reference! Again, I'm floored and don't know how to respond. What would you do?

Carolyn Hax: Respect his decision and not overreact.

Buffalo, N.Y.: Carolyn,

I've been reading your column and chats for about two and a half years now and this is the first time I've had a question I though was worth sending in.

I'm nearing the six-year anniversary of the death of my first love/high school sweetheart/best friend. For the first time since his death, I'm in a happy, long-term relationship. I was hoping that this year would be easier because I would be past the question "Will I ever feel anything remotely like what I felt for Mark again?" The answer is yes, just in a more mature way.

The problem is, that doesn't make me feel any better. The month leading up to the anniversary of his death is just getting worse this year. I'm graduating from law school and got the job I've wanted since high school. I'm crushed that he is not here to see this. I am simply angry that such a wonderful person is not here anymore. I guess my question is, if there is one, is "is this normal?" I don't know anyone else my age (mid-20s) who has gone through the death of the best friend or significant other. I realize that this will never be an easy time of year for me, but after six years, I didn't expect it to be this fresh. I'd really appreciate any comments from you or the peanuts.

Carolyn Hax: I haven't been in your shoes, fortunately, but don't see why it wouldn't be normal. Being with someone, being happy, whatever, may make you feel good but it isn't going to bring him back, and so why wouldn't you still miss him? Especially with so many happy milestones going by that you otherwise would have shared. If it's bothering you, maybe talk to someone about it, but otherwise don't be so hard on yourself

Arlington, Va.: Do you ever feel bad after you are done with your sessions, like later on think "I was really hard on that person" or "I shouldn't have said that"? I love your column and read it often but I was wondering if you ever felt guilty? Thanks.

Curious In Arlington

Carolyn Hax: I second guess myself all the time, but I wouldn't say I feel guilty, per se. I have biases, of course, but I think I'm pretty consistent, and so I guess I feel there's a built-in fairness to that. I always feel bad when I think I missed something, and I can feel really bad if someone is nasty to me. Constructive criticism, okay, I'm grateful for it--but stupid, groundless things like "why are you such a man-hater" can really drag me down.

Thanks for asking.

Philadelphia, Pa.: My good friend is moving half way across the country with her girlfriend because my friend is going to grad school. They are in the process of purchasing a home (they've never visited the state to which they're moving). They've been together for four years. My friend is 22; her partner is 29.

My friend often hints that she's uncomfortable with the progression of the relationship and asks me what I think. I usually respond by asking her is she's happy, etc. rather than telling her that I think she's making a big mistake. She keeps hinting around that she's unhappy and I don't know what to say. Should I be up fron with her?

Carolyn Hax: I don't see why you can't say that if she has doubts, she'd be a moron to commit to a mortgage. Obvious enough to be safe, especially with the "if" in there.

Washington, D.C.: Silly question? Serious boyfriend spends a lot of time with my dog. I discovered that he is teaching him to "play dead" which I really hate. I object to the gun image and I really don't like looking a graphic enactment, of my dog who I love, dead.

I confronted him and he thinks I'm making a big deal out of nothing.

Earlier in the dog ownership we had a month-long stand off over not feeding him table food, which makes him sick and destroys my carpet. He ignored my wishes that time until he got sick one day at his condo.

Two questions: Am I making a big deal out of nothing? More importantly, do you think I'm out of line wondering if this is a warning about kids in the future? Obviously kids are a shared responsibility where we would have to compromise (which we do in other non-dog related areas) and the dog is completely my responsibility.

Carolyn Hax: Serious potential issue with the table scraps, because that kind of casual disregard/disrespect for your wishes on smaller things can really get ugly with big stuff.

Oh puhleez issue with the playing dead. (Full disclosure: Sometimes, Zuzu staggers a little before she goes over, such a drama queen.)

If I had to find a way to make you guys live happily ever after, I guess I'd say he had to drop the attitude and you had to lighten up. But sounds like you're getting close to making this a battle of principle and digging your respective trenches--with your being extra demanding and his being in-your-face lax. When you get there, it's hard to go back.

Using your BF as a reference: Is extremely unprofessional. If people find out, they will probably start to question your ability and why you could not come up with a name that did not date you too.

Carolyn Hax: There's that, too. thanks.

The Land of Meat: My brother is dating a vegan (not that there's anything wrong with that) and they are coming to visit this weekend. Do I need to stock my kitchen with non-animal foodstuffs (assuming I'll be able to find some?) We're going out to eat Saturday night, but feel I should have more to offer her at home that a bowl of grapes (oooo, while she sits on my leather sofa!).

Carolyn Hax: Land of Overreaction: There are some foods that didn't start life as a cow. Really. You can do it! And if you're unsure of what she can and can't eat, ask your brother.

The girl from the column on Sunday: Totally agree with you about my friend -- I know that whenever I need a self-esteem boost, I can call him. But I guess I didn't mention a few key things about him -- he has confessed that his obsession with women of my race could be because of me, he has given me chocolates and lingerie gift certificates as birthday presents (even when I had a boyfriend!), he tells me that I am the ideal woman of his dreams, etc. So, yes, I should stop taking advantage of him. But should I stop being friends with him too?

-- Too close Part Two

Carolyn Hax: Friendship? What friendship?

Carolyn Hax: Thanks for being big about it all, by the way. I think I gave you a thumping.

BRIDEZILLAVILLE: I am the one who wrote in a while back -- the Jew in the Catholic wedding who is being made to go to confession and communion.

Anyhow, more heinous developments. The shower is in a remote town (none of the bridesmaids live in the city where it is being held), and the bridal party is all far from rich. We received a nasty e-mail from the mother of the bride saying she cannot believe the bride counts us as friends. UGH. Then she called me and SCREAMED at me that I should be ashamed of myself, and that bridesmaids have RESPONSIBILITIES. And that if I could not live up to them, I should not have accepted the invitation to be in the wedding.

OK, first of all, do you think that it's OK to assume that a bridal party should have to travel (necessitating actual air travel, not just driving) to both shower and wedding? Is it OK to go ballistic when they say they just don't have the money? Is this a RESPONSIBILITY, or is it custom? And how would you respond to this kind of crap? Would you tell the bride that her mom went nutty on you? (Keep in mind she's already got PRINCESS SYNDROME.)

Personally, it's put me off the whole wedding, and I'll now show up for -all- the required events, but the relationship has suffered unsurvivable damage.

washingtonpost.com: For those of you just joining us, this is a follow up from a question in the March 1 discussion -- the bride was making everyone, regardless of religion, go to confession and communion. Question's from Northern Virginia. -- Lisa.

Carolyn Hax: I have a question.

WHY will you GO to this thing?

Nothing about it is okay.

Washington, D.C.: Oh my. I just told my parents that I'm moving in with my friend who is a lesbian. They now think that I, too, am a lesbian, which I think is just plain silly. They are pretty distraught and angry with me and convinced that I am lying to them about my hetrosexuality, which I'm not. I've already told them that this person is a friend only and that I'm not into women. Is there anything else I can do?

Carolyn Hax: No. It'll make for a great toast if you ever get married someday.

Washington, D.C.: I recently got a message from a friend of mine informing me and several other people that she is a lesbian. My question: What do I say to her? I don't want to call her up and have a deep conversation about her sexuality, because it's none of my business, but I don't want to ignore it, because it's obviously something she's self-conscious about. Do you think Hallmark has a card for this?

Carolyn Hax: Welcome to the lesbian portion of our program.

I think you just acknowledge that it was probably a hard message for her to send, but not to worry, because it's cool by you. Or, depending on your relationship and her sense of humor, you have fun with it. I would suggest ways to do that, but I don't want to get in trouble.

GF may be a secret agent?: I've discovered some things about my girlfriend: She is a very good liar. Even some of my friends have remarked on it. Granted, one example of this of her impeccable planning of my surprise birthday party, but still. She was able to single-handedly coordinate about 20 people, restaurant, cake, funny hats, etc., and even got me to suggest that everyone meet at the restaurant instead of our usual Thursday-night hangout, on my birthday, without me suspecting anything. She claims that her extraordinary ablity arises from an adolescence occupied with circumventing nosy parents, and that she uses these powers for “good, not evil” but I am still baffled. She’s also really good at manipulation (she calls it “convincing”), but insists that she’s only focused on the greater good. Like, she was organizing a group ice skating outing, and managed to make many unenthusiatic participants buck up, go for it, have fun even though we got huge blisters and one guy broke his thumb.

Sometimes I feel like she could be a CIA agent, and I’d never know. It’s not that I feel like she’s withholding anything, or have any reason to suspect anything beyond the fact that she COULD be, and no one would ever suspect. Kids love her, she’s got a ton of friends, and my friends all want to date her. Am I crazy, or should I be looking for a dark secret somewhere? (We’re in our late 20s, by the way.)

Carolyn Hax: I have no idea what to tell you, I just liked the question so much i had to post it.

Guess I have to try something. I've known some good liars, too, and I understand why it scares you. But unless you've seen the powers used for evil, or even detected a capacity for evil, it shouldn't be a big deal. Right?

Losing someone: I lost my sister (age 19) three years ago this June. It's not an SO, but I was close to her and especially at holidays and other milestone events (pregnant for first time) I REALLY miss her. Then sometimes for no reason at all I miss her. It sometimes feels like yesterday, othertimes its been decades. The only rule in grief is that all feelings are valid. Sometimes they take a similar path as others, but your grief is unique to you. I try to be happy for the 19 years I got to know my sis. Just my 2 cents.

Carolyn Hax: This is so sad, I can't stand it.

Thank you. I agree with you about grief.

Re: Dead dog trick: My girlfriend is an animal lover extreme, and we prefer the "fainted animal" trick over the "play dead" trick. Same result, easy compromise.

Carolyn Hax: If I'd been drinking coffee, it would be up my nose.

This is whiplash-inducing.

Random Question: Do people only go for counseling or therapy when they are actually in a state of crisis? I have doing really well for the last two years, but some things happened to me as a young teen (sexual assault, parental depression) that made life hard for me for a while. I'm 23 now and I feel like I'm in a place where I could work through some of this crap, but at the same time I'm kind of afraid of dragging these skeletons out of the closet. I like where I am in my life right now and don't want to become an emotional wreck. If one does go to therapy how does one initiate the conversation?

Carolyn Hax: If there are skeletons in there, they're scarier in than out, because they not only have a way of calling the shots without your fully realizing it, but they can also pop out on their own schedule, without warning, when you least want them to. Therapy is a fine way to go at them, and I'd say not being in crisis would actually work in your favor. You just go, say you went through X and Y as a kid and want to make sure there aren't lingering effects.

If you like where you are in life because you feel there are no lingering effects, then no need for hitting the couch.

Nobody asks, but.....: Carolyn,

How are you doing?

Carolyn Hax: Actually, you guys ask all the time, and I really appreciate it--I just don't post it. I'm well, thanks. Like anyone in my situation, sometimes I feel great and sometimes I'm just hanging in.

Philosophical Friday: From your experience, Carolyn, do you think that most people look for and create problems -- perhaps just to have some extra emotion going on in their lives? Loaded question, but looking at a lot of your questions, I wonder. Today, the guy with the "lying" GF made me wonder -- she sounds great, but there always has to be something.

Carolyn Hax: I do think people, some people, generate drama on purpose, as if they feel more alive when they do. (For the record, though, I didn't get the sense that CIA-GF Guy was one of them.) The ones I truly can't bear are complainers, the ones who hear a nanosecond of silence and feel they must fill it with hostility, dread and bad news.

Married to the CIA re: liars: I am married to a CIA employee. I would just like to point out that they are also, in fact, using their powers for good.

Anyway, they're distinguishable more by their ability to not answer a question than they are by their lying ability. FYI.

Carolyn Hax: Yes, but if you say "bang," will they faint convincingly?

Oz: Carolyn,

My parents somehow got the idea my wife was having an affair, and confronted her about it! They saw her some place where they didn't expect to and apparently jumped to the wrong conclusion. I walked in on the confrontation in time to hear my dad tell her not to be a damn fool.

The 'rents apologized -- profusely. They said they just couldn't stand by and watch her do something so stupid. My wife is really really pissed. I sympathize but even parents make mistakes. Help, please

Carolyn Hax: I sympathize, too, but the profuse apology was your wife's cue to get over it. Otherwise we cross over into their having to give her a pint of blood or something, and forgiveness is just so much easier.

Canadian: I'm a 23-year-old virgin thinking of recruiting my buddy to... uh... teach me. Is that a bad idea?

Carolyn Hax: Depends on how you feel about the virginity, the buddy and the idea. Some things are blissfully personal.

Lost State of Mind: Have child (9 months) with BF, he has another child with former wife. He manages to see first child every day. Picks up in the morning for school, there at night to put to bed. He can only see our child for a mere five hours every Sunday. Should I be upset? I AM! He is at his ex wife's every single night and claims nothing is going on. He is there for the child only. I don't believe it. Would you? He gets home from putting her to bed at 9:30 at 11 or later even. I don't know what to do. He says he wants a relationship with me but how can he if he can only find time one day a week. I'm in so much pain I can't even explain it.

Carolyn Hax: You can deal with it, though, right? Step 1, accepting he's gone. Step 2, reminding him he has two kids, not one. 3, asking him to spend more time with your kid. 4, accepting he won't and setting up a life that is stable and loving and includes Daddy for 5 hours on Sunday. You've earned the anger, but it's not getting you anywhere.

Washington, D.C.: BACON PANTS! BACON PANTS! sorry, just wanted to toss that out.

Carolyn Hax: I'm here to help.

Somewhere, USA: Can I get your opinion on plastic surgery? I know that's general, but is this something someone should do if it makes them feel more attractive in expectation that they'll have greater self-confidence? I'm really torn on this issue.

Carolyn Hax: Attractive according to whose standard? I think it's pretty sad when people with big strong bone structures feel the need to get this nubby little ski jump of a nose, just because it's supposed to be more attractive. They end up looking like people who got dressed in the dark and put on the wrong nose. And all those ridiculous, perfectly round perfectly matched boobs. I just wonder what people are thinking.

Idunno. Remove a lump, nip a wattle, fix a scar, repair a nose, reduce boobs so big they are painful. All these things can be great. I'd be really wary, though, of the gives-me-more-confidence argument, because decisions made out of insecurity tend to be some of our worst.

Insecurityville: I've been dating this guy for a few months and I really like him. When I'm with him we have a great time and get along well and I feel like he's into me too, but I'm not sure. I think we're both dating only each other, but we haven't really talked about it. I want to ask, but I'm afraid I'll scare him off. I feel like a needy whiner, but I really want to know how he feels about me and whether he's really into me or just having fun hooking up and going out with me occasionally. How can I discuss this with him and/or move the relationship to the next level? Or how can I get him interested in moving in that direction? Can I?

Carolyn Hax: No to the "get him to ..." anything, please do to the talking to him about stuff. If you are not needy and you don't whine, you won't come off as a needy whiner. If it occurred to you that, after a few months, you still don't know if he sees other people or not, and if it felt a little odd to think that, and if you merely presenthim to it that way, you should come off as someone who thought of an interesting question. Really. If he punishes you for it, you can cancel the next level tickets.

Re: Lost State of Mind: I have something to add that I think is VERY important. This may sound crude, but from someone who has been/is there -- if your child's father is not going to be able to be there for your child in a physical and emotional sense, make sure to MAKE him be there in a financial sense. There are child support laws; use them. Knowing that you are able to provide well for your child financially may ease your pain slightly by alleviating that concern.

Carolyn Hax: Thanks.

To: Lost State of Mind: When you are ready to "deal with it," be sure to take care of your child by getting court ordered child support and insisting on scheduled visitation, also court ordered. Do not let him jerk you and your kid around with days and times at his whim. (Been there!) He is gone, and you have to put yourself and your child first.

Carolyn Hax: Sigh.

Indianapolis, Ind.: I had plastic surgery and not by choice -- had to have some reconstruction done after an accident -- and after doing so wondered why anybody would do so voluntarily. I don't care how bad your nose is or how much you don't like the shape of your chin -- IT HURTS LIKE HELL. Anyone on the borderline debating it should keep that in mind.

Carolyn Hax: Okeydokey.

Fairfax, Va.: There are days when I do love my life -- this is one of them. Evil brides, lying girlfriends, fainting dogs....I got nothing.

Carolyn Hax: Remember, the lying girlfriend and fainting dogs were good things. Which is why I love MY life.

Washington, D.C.: Thanks for answering the silly dog question. You are right I do like to make things a battle of principles. It's an evil trait of all lawyers. I am also way too demanding and used to getting my way. I guess I'm jealous he gets to spend so much time with my dog.

Carolyn Hax: I would be too. Thanks for the thanks.

Carolyn Hax: And thank you, and you, and you.

Or, for Sound of Mucus fans: to yuh and yuh and yuh.

Time to go, clearly. Happy weekend, and type to you next week, assuming I get there ... randomness of life and all. Okay, bye!

Rockville, Md.: Re: Plastic Surgery

Why is it OK to "nip a waddle" and "reduce breasts" but not enlarge breasts or trim your nose? People get their hair colored and cut for self-esteem, and I am sorry, but to each his or her own. Not fair to say anything about too round or too perfect boobs. Jealous?

Carolyn Hax: Oh brother.

If I were jealous, I would go buy myself some.

washingtonpost.com:

That wraps up today's show. Thanks to everyone who joined the discussion.

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UK: Carolyn,

I'm in the UK. What's all this "bite me" stuff? Could it be translated from/into "And if you don't like it, tough?"

Thanks.

Carolyn Hax: That about says it, yes. And thanks for "wanker."

Sorry about the Queen Mum.

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