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Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.

Appearing every Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ® offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 30-something repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that’s about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.

The transcript follows.

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Washington, D.C.: Hello Carolyn,

I am hoping you'll have a chance to respond to this as I could really use an objective opinion. I dated this guy last year and it has been over a year since we broke up. But there was always something between us that has never let me forget him. Then just in the past few weeks we happened to meet up, and the same magic still seems to be there. And it is not just chemistry but everything! Anyways I am trying to take things slow and just see how things go this time around. I know that we are both busy and everything. But he doesn't really call much at all and I am wondering if maybe I want this more than him. Or am I just expecting more than he can give at the moment? Basically my whole point is, am I a total pushover if I am willing to take things at a very slow pace because I feel like this guy could be the ONE.

Carolyn Hax: One, it sounds like you're not getting she's-the-One vibes off him, which isn't altogether tragic, but could suggest that you're not being honest with yourself about what this is and means.

Two, why did you break up? Could be a lot there.

Philadelphia, Pa.: Have a girlfriend who is smart and has a good memory. My problem is that she doesn't seem to remember things I've told her, sometimes repeatedly. These include stories about me, friends, that my sister and her mother share a birthday and other things I believe she should remember. Sometimes she will tell me that I never told her something when I know I have. She also will tell me I don't tell her anything about myself. We talk a lot and have been for more than a year and a half. She does most of the talking. That's not unusual since I'm not a overly chatty person. I can hold an interesting conversation, but could never talk as much as she does. Am I right to think that she's not really listening to me during conversations? Is this a sign of true self-centeredness?

Carolyn Hax: Maybe, and the fact that you're thinking along those lines suggests that there might be other signs.

One counterargument I can throw in may sound a little screwball but its something I've noticed--that shy or otherwise self-conscious people can miss a lot of stuff going on around them, even things they care about, because all of their energy is going into the effort not to say something stupid or trip over the rug. But after a year and a half, a girlfriend should be comfortable enough with you not to be in that position ... I wonder, too, if there are psychological causes for not interacting quite right with the outside world, not autism per se but along those lines.

I'm not suggesting we should contort ourselves to explain away what might be simple rudeness, by the way--just trying to be thorough, given that you seem to think she is interested in you but draws a blank on the data.

Massachusetts: Carolyn,

I recognize myself in the manipulative or unstable girlfriend from your first column. I tend to become unglued, depressed and LONELY during stress, which naturally leads to a lot of crying and draws people in. I could probably control myself more, but I crave the comfort of friends and boyfriend alike. I feel bad about it, particularly because I'm prone to stress and end up being upset (albeit briefly) at least once a week. Can you please suggest a better coping mechanism? Thank you.

Carolyn Hax: I have to say I'm surprised you're owning up to something like that--very cool, and big of you. I hope that doesn't come across as condescending, because I mean it. Finding fault in such a basic thing as the way you interact with other people is a tough thing to do.

ANYway ... one better coping mechanism is to ask for your friends' company, not cry for it. If your crying comes naturally, on its own schedule, and makes you feel better, so be it. But if it occurs only for an audience, that is really manipulative and you should feel bad about it. And you should question it, too: Is the stress itself real, or is it a drama hit that helps you get attention that helps you feel better about yourself?

That's the other, more powerful coping approach, which is to get at the root of the stress. Whether that means you need to be more mature or less overworked or a therapy client, at least for some research sessions, I can't tell just from what you wrote. But that's where I'd start thinking.

Empty Nest: How do you deal with a parent who can't seem to get over the fact that you've left home for greener pastures? I'm the youngest of four kids (two of whom live close to my parents). Growing up, I was visibly not my parents "favorite" but now that I have left home for good, my mom can't get over it. I graduated college almost a year ago, and now have the job of my dreams and am engaged to my college sweetheart. I'm only a seven-hour drive away (which she has never made). She cries everytime she calls, and has recently started calling in tears because she will never see her future grandchildren (which will be YEARS away). She begs me quit my job and move back. I don't understand. I tell her that she should be proud that she helped me achieve my dreams (to appease her mainly). I just don't know how to handle it. She calls at least twice a week like this. I have asked her to go to counseling and she refuses, claiming I am selfish for abandoning her. Any suggestions on how to deal?

Carolyn Hax: Best bet, I think, is for -you- to go to counseling. I'm not passing you off, I swear. It's just obvious there's a family dynamic here that isn't healthy and is pretty out of hand, and I think you'll feel SO much better, so much -lighter-, if you get some help recognizing it and adressing it. Especially if those future grandkids come true.

Seattle, Wash.: Is it me or is the "One (as in he/she's the One!)" mentality unhelpful?

Carolyn Hax: No, you aren't the one anti-One. I think the mentality is unalotofthings. -realistic is my favorite.

Houston, Tex.: Just a quick comment:

Did you see "Shredder Man" in the Life at Work chat on Tuesday? He seemed like a guy with good outlook. I wonder if you could set a gal up with a guy like that (shameless self promotion, I know).

Also, is that your cousin-in-law Zach Galifinakis on "Late Night with Zach" on VH1? What an awesome show, he is hilarious. I actually tape it, he is that witty.

Just thought I'd share.

Carolyn Hax: Didn't see it and, no, we can't be the TMAI dating service. Thanks for the chance to say that, because a lot of people ask. Wait, better deterrent: You don't -want- this to be a TMAI dating service. Trust me.

Re Zach, yep, that's my cousin-in-law, who might actually be funnier in real life. Completely unhinged. Thanks for the chance to say GO ZACH, whoo whoo whoo ...

New York, N.Y.: A girl-friend of mine (that's a friend who's also a girl, not a girlfriend) has this terribly annoying habit of going up to random guys in bars and saying, "buy me a drink?" then taking her drink and ignoring the guy.

I think this is EVIL! I've tried to convince her of this. I've tried telling her she's making an unspoken promise to these guys to at least chat a little. She claims she hasn't promised anything and if the guy she's using sees it that way it's his fault.

What's worse is that some of these guys think I'm her boyfriend and so come complaining to me.

I'm running out of arguments against her behavior. Any suggestions to help me convince her?

Carolyn Hax: Not being with her in bars, or anywhere else, seems like the most appealing option to me.

Carolyn Hax: This is why I've stopped leaving my house.

Carolyn Hax: Okay, not really, but this is why sometimes I don't want to.

Miranda? Or, perhaps, Carrie?: Hi Carolyn!

Utter fluff question. I'm going to my first bachelorette party next Friday for a college friend. It's a theme party (kill me now) and we're supposed to dress up like our favorite character from "Sex and the City. " So what should I wear and, more importantly, do I use this occasion to invest in new Manolo Blahniks?

Carolyn Hax: No wait, this is. Uuuuuh.

Northern Virginia: Hi Carolyn,

The other day I was at my boyfriend's checking e-mail as he prepared dinner. During this time, I came across a conversation that had been saved. (I was working on some other things aside from e-mail and closed down the wrong window and went to the Documents to reopen the work I had just closed). Anyways, the conversation with with some woman whom I was not familiar with. Apparently, it was an 18-year-old girl that had messaged my boyfriend and supposedly chatted to on occasion. There was an air of flirtation on his end (or so I read), albeit no sexual content. After conversing with my boyfriend at some length, we both felt that things could be worked out.

Anyways, I guess my question isn't really a question but rather, is it common for men to want to get their egos stroked by even means of flirting with anonymous "women" on the Internet?

Carolyn Hax: Howdy. I think it's common for -people- to want to get their egos stroked, and the Internet just opened more doors for that. Easy doors, versus--I don't know, old-fashioned ones, like getting a fat Christmas bonus or driving ridiculous cars. Is the anonymous stroke-seeking a trait I'd want in a boyfriend? No, but if his preparing dinner were a regular thing, I might be inclined to look past it.

Salt Lake City, Utah: Carolyn -- I have a BF of three years who was married before. I've never been married. Since we started ring shopping, it seems like a lot of communication issues keep coming up from his previous marriage -- like he can't trust me because all women are evil and will try to hurt him, etc., etc. I have told him that it's not fair to put past baggage on to me just because I share the same sex. But now I can't help but feel he will hold things back from because of these crazy notions. I am getting nervous because we are nearing the finish line so to speak. Is this just marriage jitters?

Worried and Wondering

Carolyn Hax: Uh, no? I think the pronouncement that "All women are evil" is on the first page of the "How to Run Like Hell" handbook. Good lord.

Washington, D.C.: Carolyn,

Do you think adult relationships are directly impacted by childhood interactions? For example, I (a guy) am a bit of a control freak. I think I got that way because I am the oldest of two children when my parents divorced at an early age. I was the caretaker for a few years until my dad remarried. I do my best to control it with occasional therapy and a good kick in the pants from my wife.

Carolyn Hax: Actually, Idunno what your therapist has said, but I'd be inclined to pin any control-freakishness not on the caretaking, but on the divorce itself. Meaning, your world got dismantled right under your feet, and you were frightened, and your way of dealing with the fear was to make sure that kind of disruption--that kind of loss--never happened again by assuming control of your world. I'd also guess the caretaking stint was the first attempt at control, not the cause of it.

Sorry, didn't start this with the intention of picking through your head. Yes, to answer your question, I do believe childhood interactions, and plenty of adult ones, directly affect the way we go at the worle. It's just that the childhood influences are more likely to fly beneath our self-conscious radar, vs adult experiences, because we weren't thinking much as they happened--they just Were. And so it can require a conscious effort, or a trauma, or a kicking spouse, or all three and then some, to shove them to the front, conscious, do-something-about-them burners.

What?: My wife's little sister found out that her husband cheated on her. Little sis came over for a crying session the other night and after she regained her composure she got mean and asked me, "Why do men cheat, no one forced you guys to get married?" She said it in a real nasty and snide tone of voice like I had something to do with his cheating just because I'm a guy. I don't even know the guy, he looks like a geek. Anyway, I told her I would answer her question what makes men cheat? That's easy -- other chicks. After I told her she had another crying session and left. At this point my wife got pissed at ME! She has been giving me the cold shoulder for two days now. What gives, I am not cheating and I did not help him cheat? Why is she being mean?

Carolyn Hax: Can I not speak to you for two days? Or are you just pulling my e-leg. I hope so. Her too. MEN don't cheat, -people- cheat, and while reasons may vary by sex, with the male tilting toward physical and female toward emotional, the only reason that matters is the one that caused the specific affair in question.

College Park, Md.: How's the Boo these days? Ready for frisbee weather?

Carolyn Hax: It's still pretty cool up here, but she's romping like it's spring. I think it's the new lime green collar studded with suede petunias.

Re: Come Back Home Mom: Carolyn, I have the total opposite of the poster with the mom desperately wanting her to go back home. I am only about three and a half hours from where my parents and siblings live. Recently my dad has been diagnosed with a terminal disease and I am expecting our second child and this makes me desperately want to be closer to them (specially my dad). The problem is my husband is really kind of not a very family oriented kind of guy (meaning not much into his parents, brother) so he thinks I am abnormal for wanting to be close to my family. We haven't even moved yet and he is making sarcastic comments like he'll never see me every weekend if we move, I'll be at my parents house everday, my siblings will be over at our house on a daily basis, which is all untrue. I have a feeling he is kind of hesitant to move there but at times he sounds enthusiastic. I don't know what to make of it. I want to be closer to my family so my kids can grow up close to them but I don't want to lose my marriage over it either. What to do?

Carolyn Hax: I'd stop looking at it as a we-see-family-differently issue and deal with it as a wow-we-communicate-badly issue. What's with his sarcastic comments, his viewing your feelings only through his inner filters? With your not getting across, perhaps, that your life will still be centered on your home with him, even when you're close to Dad? You guys need to talk, and if you can't, you need to get someone to help you talk. Especially with another kid en route; the arrival of No. 2 is always interesting on its own, and you've got other, life-changing subplots.

Germantown, Md.: Re: Cheating brother-in-law and silent treatment from wife: I wish you had taken more of an opportunity to point out how utterly infantile and counterproductive the wife is being. I can see refusing to talk for an hour or so to calm down, but for DAYS? What a shrew!

Carolyn Hax: Oh I'll just let you do it.

USA: Hi Carolyn and Lisa,

I have noticed a pretty signifinact change in my perosnality in the last six months or so and I am looking for your advice or help in understanding what is going on and changing. I have never really had a PMS problem before, but lately I have been experiencing feelings -- depression/feeling really sad, crying, irritiability/anger -- that seem to appear monthly. (For what it is worth: I have been on the same birth control pill for almost 10 years -- has been far and away the best one for me. Very low dose.) I am 32 years old, married in good relationship that is getting battered periodically (no pun intended) by these bouts. My husband has noticed them, and is I think worried, but I think we are both burying this when it isn't actually going on. I am not non-functional when it is, and people other than my husband proabbly don't notce it -- but we end up fighting about little and stupid things because I am in this terrible frame of mind. Anything aside from counseling (not against, just wondering if there is anything I can do on my own) that you can suggest? Is there some kind of early-30s hormonal switch that is common, or at least that you have heard of? Many, many thanks.

Carolyn Hax: Bodies definitely change over time, so there's no harm in starting the research process on a medical note. That's what I usually say anyway for depression, etc, anyway, since it's also ultimately a physiological thing--start with a regular doctor visit and work your way from there. The key is, though, to do it. When you bury this stuff, it becomes a land mine.

Washington, D.C.: Carolyn,

What is your "letter received" to "letter answered" ratio? Just curious.

Carolyn Hax: I don't know exactly, but whatever it is, expecting an answer is not realistic. I don't even see most of the stuff you guys send to me during these, not until later on.

Philadelphia, Pa.: Thanks for the answer. I don't think it's autism. She is a lawyer. She is shy although she will not admit it. When I say she acts self-centered, she always argues that she is not. Is there a better way to bring it up in case it keeps happening?

Carolyn Hax: Remember, I don't think it's autism either. Oh, never mind.

Actually I think the best preparation for next time is not to formulate the perfect opening phrase, but to formulate the absolute acceptance that this is the way she is and will always be. If you still like her then, great.

Paranoid State?: I have lived with my husband for seven years and been married to him for five. All these years, (until recently) he let me use his Internet account to go online. I used it infrequently and never used it for e-mail. Several months ago, however, he blocked my access with a password and said that I had to set up my own account. He also now makes me leave the room when he checks his e-mail or is writing e-mail. He corresponds by e-mail with friends regularly, including women he works with (some of whom, by the way, I have never met despite my requests to meet his work friends). He says that he doesn’t want me to have access to his account because his friends write things to him that are confidential and that they (his friends) wouldn’t want me to know. I have never read his e-mails, I am a very discreet person about confidences, and I don’t think that I have ever given him a reason to believe that he can’t trust me, so I don’t know why this is all of a sudden an issue. I am very hurt that he doesn’t trust me and have tried discussing this with him repeatedly. He insists that he trusts me, but his friends need to be able to know that their emails are confidential and protected. (We live alone, so there is no one else that he could be protecting their confidences from besides me.) Just before the time he added the password we started having some tensions in our relationship generally, so this is all making me paranoid that something is going on and that he is hiding something from me. Am I being unreasonably paranoid? Is it normal for spouses to block each others’ access to e-mail/Internet accounts? I would appreciate an objective viewpoint, thanks.

Carolyn Hax: No to your being unreasonable, and no to the is-this-normal. It is quite normal for two halves of a couple to have separate email accounts with password-only access, but for him to pull a sudden switch, and then to work awfully hard to get you to wonder whether YOU are the problem--bastard--oops--points to a real problem. Tell him that you'd rather hear whatever it is he's not telling you, no matter how bad it is, than be treated like a moron--oops--than be treated as if you can't be trusted. Good luck.

MixedMessages Town: Help! I just went on a blind date with a guy that had a lot of build-up in advance, and everything was fine and we fooled around a little. In the cold light of day I realize I'm really not attracted to him and I don't think I want to date him. Now what do I say, especially since I let things get as far as they did?

Thanks!
-Oops I Did It Again

Carolyn Hax: You apologize sincerely for getting carried away and for promising more than you were ready to deliver, and say no to the next invitation. What else is there.

Washington, D.C.: Can you feel "chemistry" with (for?) someone but they feel none for you? Recently I ran into a guy I met through my ex-bf. I've felt the same instant chemistry whenever I've seen him. And now that I'm free, and he is too, I wonder if there's a chance. I feel such a vibe, but is it possible that he doesn't feel it at all?

Carolyn Hax: Highly possible. This is why Lisa and I don't sell shoes.

Washington, D.C.: What do you do when you've realized that it's time to "cut the cord" in a relationship, but you just can't find the strength to do it? Maybe because of "the friendship," or (more likely) because of the sheer fear of being alone again for the first time in two years. Bottom line: Is it better to let it burn out, or just let it fade away?

Carolyn Hax: You find the strength, and you do it.

Forget the city and the state: This is for Philadelphia, Pa.: I have a similar problem, only I'm the one who forgets these things. It isn't that I don't care about them, but repetition is key for me remembering things. I have to write things down and tend to remember general feelings rather than details. I'll remember the feeling I had when I met someone special, but I won't remember what that person wore, where we were or what was said. I think it's unfair for him to expect her to remember everything. Not everyone can. And if he can't accept this quirk of hers, then he can't be with her. As a side note: she should recognize her problem and not assume he's the one at fault.

Carolyn Hax: Cool, thanks.

Washington, D.C.: I am having a problem with my best friend. She's in law school and always says she's busy, which I totally understand. But even though she's so busy she finds time hang out with her boyfriend and her law school friends and even her ex boyfriend, yet can't find the time to return my phone calls. She thinks that she does not need to put any effort into our friendship. How do I tell her what's bothering me without it becoming a whole "you're jealous of me having a boyfriend" thing?

Carolyn Hax: I'm sorry, I think this one is over. Best friend or no, you shouldn't have to beg for her time.

Hate my in-laws: My wife and I have a 5-month old baby. Prior to us having the baby, my wife's parents did not show much interest in her life, however, they are very excited about the baby, which is good.

The problem is they don't have very good communication skills, and while they are trying to be helpful, they usually end up just saying things that upset my wife. For example, we both need to lose weight, which we are fully aware of and working on. But rather than say something encouraging, they tell my wife "Junior needs to have both his parents around." They have an obsession about weight - when my wife was growing up, they made her and her sister weigh in every week and charted their weights on the refrigerator, which is why my wife is overweight and her sister is bullimic.

And they are very critical about everything -- how we take care of the baby, how we keep the house, how we eat, how we spend money, etc. But they only say things to my wife when I'm not around so I never get a chance to stand up to them. My wife tries to, but they are very persistent and just beat her down things.

So now that I've written a book here, my question is how can I approach them and tell them to knock off this crap? They never say anything to me -- they're usually on their best behavior when I'm around -- so I'm not sure how I can bring it up, or even if I should.

Carolyn Hax: Nice bookend to the it's-not-family-it's-communication question, because:

These aren't bad communication skills, this is a toxic family. Holy bleep. WEIGH INS? It sounds as if your wife is carrying around major parental baggage--the excess lbs. being neatly symbolic--and, more important, might not be aware of its full effect on her. She needs to stand up to granmaw n granpaw, for her own health as well as the baby's, and if she needs counseling for that, you didn't hear it from me because I've reached my therapy-referral maximum today.

Somewhere in the U.S.: Carolyn:

I've just today found out that my ex-husband (whom I haven't had contact with in years) has been indicted for murdering his girlfriend. I'm going through a million emotions right now, but the thing that most concerns me is that we have a young child. I have no idea what to do. She doesn't remember him, but she asks questions. Before I knew about this, I would only tell her that daddy has lots of problems and that it wasn't her fault we split up, even that it was for the best. I told her she'd understand better when she's older. But what do I do now? Someday she'll have a right to know, but I just have no idea how to handle this now. Do you have any suggestions for how I handle this? She'll know I'm upset.

Carolyn Hax: Wow. That's got to be freaky.

Remember, he is innocent until proven guilty, so your current line to your daughter still seems like the right one. If and when that changes, you'll need to decide whether it's time to start sharing. Without her age or the context/content of her questions, I can't even guess.

Washington, D.C.: You're the best!

I'm curious about your perspective on the rebound theory. Is it possible to defy it? In other words can you come out of a relationship and meet someone new shortly therafter and have things actually work out. Or is the first one out of the gate doomed from the start? Any common signs to look for in the rebound relationship to know it doesn't have staying power?

Carolyn Hax: Every theory is defiable, if it involves human beings.

I know it's petty, but: I hate HATE HATE the engagement ring I was surprised with (almost two years ago. been married one year). (And yes, I did bring it up at the time.)

Every time I look at it I think:
1. I told him not to buy me one
2. I wanted to shop together
3. This is so damn ugly
4. I am a terrible person for thinking this about a $4,000 (yikes! my dream ring would be half) ring when I have such a fabulous husband
5. How fab can he be if he doesn't listen to me
6. I need to dwell on other things, like starving people.

Carolyn Hax: That works, or you could stop wearing the ring, or you could just say it isn't you and you tried for two years to like it purely for sentimental reasons and then ask his blessing to get it re-set. Tiptoeing gets so old, regardless of how minor the issue you're avoiding.

Washington, D.C.: Carolyn, somewhat off the normal relationship/bridezilla topic,

From your viewpoint, how are people coping with the continuing war/fallout from Sept. 11, new insecure world, Middle east blowing up?

I know I am feeling some stress, but not sure if others are and just not recognizing it for what it is. We tend to think it's been seven months, we should just get over it.

Carolyn Hax: I don't feel remotely able to speak on such a big thing, but the "we should just get over it" made me want to try. I don't believe people really feel that way. Do they? If anything, I find myself remembering how huge the emotions were at the time and, if anything, reeling at how quickly life got back to routine. Idunno. But then, I'm of the mind that the world isn't any more insecure now than it always was, we just got a more breathtaking reminder than usual of our mortality. For me, at least, the result has been business as usual, just with a little more to think about in the down times.

Re: Not-family-but-communication again: Hi again,

I don't how many times I've conveyed to him that him and my son are the most important things in the world to me but it doesn't seem to register. The few times I see my family every year he always makes a comment on how happy I am when I'm with them and how weird my family is for wanting to be living close to each other. He even gets angry with me when I try to defend my family when he's cutting them down. He thinks I should join in on the cutting down session. For example when my dad was first diagnosed, I was very busy going to the hospital visiting him and he got angry because I forgot to call him the next day. He said I just forget about him when I'm with my family.

Carolyn Hax: Even if it's just his issue, it's an issue--pronounced ISH SHOO. Please see if you can get him to go with you to talk to somebody. Given his twitchiness, you'll likely get only one shot at it, if at all, so you might want to pre-screen the therapist for sense and sensibility first. Good luck.

Early Bird, 20005: I recently started dating a fellow who works very different hours from me. Because of our schedules we rely on our cell phones a lot to keep in touch. The problem? He calls at wacky times, like 2 a.m. when I have to be at work at 8 a.m. He gets annoyed if I don't pick up or if I'm not into the conversation (like last night's 2 a.m. call). I've tried explaining to him that calling in the middle of the night is not cool, but he insists it's the only time he can spare to talk. He also says that he'd rather "be polite" return my calls as soon as he gets off work in the middle of the night rather than wait until later. In addition, he often expects me to adopt late-night hours on the weekend (i.e., see the sun come up late) which really messes up my sleep schedule and makes is difficult to go back to work on Monday. When I tell him I'm too tired and want to sleep he grouses about me being a party-pooper. I've had this problem before when dating night-owls. Should I just ditch this guy and look for someone who works regular 9-5's like me or what?

Carolyn Hax: No, you should ditch this guy for one who isn't a total blockhead.

Carolyn Hax: On that note ... thank you, thank you ver much. Have a good weekend.

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Alleged murderer father: The mother should consider speaking with her daughter's pediatrician. The pediatrician is there to help advise about children's emotional as well as physical health.

Carolyn Hax: RIGHT, thank you, keep meaning to mention peds as a resource for emotional issues in kids. They're indeed trained for that.

Alexandria, Va.: Regarding Philadelphia's not-autistic lawyer friend. Have her look into Asperger's Syndrome -- it's a high-functioning form of autism. Being very chatty about oneself coupled with severe lack of empathy is one of the classic signs. Check out http://www.aspergers.com/ as a starting point.

Carolyn Hax: That might be what was rattling around in my head when I was reaching for the other-syndrome answer--someone with Asperger's sent me a bunch of info on this a year or two ago (an attorney, actually, funny coincidence ... or not), but i had forgotten the name and some of the specs. Thanks for the post.

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