Carolyn Hax (The Post)

• Video: Carolyn Hax on NewsChannel 8 (Feb. 14) • Tell Me About It • Tell Me About It Live Archive • About Carolyn • Style Section • Entertainment Section • All Live Online Transcripts • Subscribe to washingtonpost.com e-mail newsletters • mywashingtonpost. com -- customized news, traffic, weather and more

Tell Me About It
Hosted by Carolyn Hax
Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, Feb. 22, 2002; Noon EST

Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.

Appearing every Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ฎ offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 30-something repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that’s about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.

The transcript follows.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

To read the most recent responses, click "Get New Responses" or select "Automatically Update Page."

Los Angeles, Calif.: My male friends are always crowing about how nice guys don't win, women don't want to go out with them, it's unfair, et cetera. I was sympathetic to their plight, until I realized that they didn't mean "women," they meant "beautiful, well-endowed women with flawless skin and silky hair." They bitched and whined about how people didn't appreciate their personalities but their requisites for a beloved were all about four millimeters deep.

Is there any way I, as a friend, can tell them, "Hey, either stop passing up normal women or stop bitching, you're getting on my nerves?" (I'm in a very happy long-term relationship, so it's not jealousy, just irritation for having to /listen/ to their double-standard whining. Aside from this considerable blind spot, they're good people and fun to be around.)

Carolyn Hax: Why can't you, as a friend, just say hey, nice double standard? Seems to me like the kind of thing that would fall out naturally in conversation.

Anywhere USA: RE: the letter in Sunday's paper about the questionably gay boyfriend... the issue is NOT questionable. Been there, done that. And for five years, had a amazing, wonderful, constant and GREAT sexual relationship (to the point where I wonder if I'll EVER find that passion again), so that was never the issue. He loved ME. He didn't love women. He had many close female friends, but I was the only one he'd ever been with.
To your reader: Your guy is NEVER going to be straight. He can act it, live it and want it, but that little voice in his head will never go away. As painful as it is, I hope that you will get out NOW. Don't wait until you've married and even started a family, because it will be much harder.
I don't regret the relationship that I had, but I'm actually thankful that my ex realized he had to be who he really was and move on to lead his life honestly, because as much as we loved each other, we were living a lie together. Just my two cents.

Carolyn Hax: okeydokey. Interesting point about his loving you, vs. loving women. Hadn't thought of it that way, but now that you mention it, I have seen that happen.

Weak in the knees vs Nice Guy: I met a guy this past weekend who just makes me weak in the knees. He's a guy who is not the "nice guy" type I usually like, though he is nice. I met another guy weeks prior who is nice and wonderful and fun. He doesn't floor me, but I find him attractive. We've had one or two "group dates" and had fun.

The first guy I have little in common with, but can talk to. He's had an exciting life of traveling, he's interesting. He cooks (chef school), builds houses, and bartends. On top of the talent he's physically stunning. He takes my breath away. I feel this electricity. I am your basic lab rat at a university who went into college straight away. He never went to college and has this energy.

The second guy works at the university I am at. He has a similar background and is sweet and funny and nice. I can talk to him, we have great conversations. I find him attractive. And I feel comfortable with him.

My question is: Is it better to have that "comfortable feeling?" Is weak-in-the-knees setting me up for a big fall? I guess I just want both. The first guy and I have nothing in common, but he's just so... mmm. The second guy I know better, I LIKE the guy as a person. I am kicking myself for questioning the "nice guy" thing. Usually I go for the nice guy, the first guy is what I describe as "my type" but who I have never dated, mainly for lack of courage (scared to death I can never be with someone like that) or opportunity. Please, enlighten me with your ideas. Thanks.

Carolyn Hax: I say enjoy them both while you age your way out of the should-I-go-for-this-type-or-that-type phase. Not that there's anything wrong with it--it's a natural part of the process, figuring yourself out enough to know the answer without having to ask the question.

Carolyn Hax: I hope that wasn't insanely cryptic.

Concerned friend: I have a friend whose not so dear and not so sweet husband announced five months ago (48 hours before their second planned child was born) that he didn't want to be married anymore.

The past five months have been tough for her as he sometimes seemed to want to be married and sometimes didn't. Now, he has finally decided he wants a "break" -- but won't move out. She has found out that he is having an affair.

Most disturbing of all is that her 2-year-old is not reacting well at all to his father's disappearance. While he won't move out, he also is never home and has told my friend that it is none of her business where he is.

She has contacted a lawyer -- but we are all concerned about her (she's down to 90 pounds, although claims to be eating) and her 2-year-old.

Do you know of any books or Internet information that might help her find some ways to help her children through this difficult time? (and if anyone can explain to me how someone can just walk away from a wife and two kids in such a manner -- I just don't understand.)

Thanks.

Carolyn Hax: People are capable of anything. I don't know of any resources offhand, but maybe the peanuts do? And just from what I've seen and read on the subject, the "father's" "disappearance" probably isn't so traumatic to the kid as his coming and going, along with his (apparent) hostility; a 2-year-old needs stability, which in this case would suggest a consistent home life with just Mom.

Mars/Venus: Why do so many women think that dating two or more people at once is wrong? That's what dating is all about -- deciding who you like and who you don't.

Carolyn Hax: That's what I was taught at least. It's not just women, BTW--a lot of men think it's wrong too.

Chicago, Ill.: The problem: One time only "hook up" a couple of months ago with a pretty good friend. After initial awkwardness, things returned to normal (long phone calls, e-mails) BUT he seems to be avoiding ANY situation where we would physically see each other. Not just, say, dinner and hanging out at each other's places, which was fairly normal before. No, he's avoiding even daytime activities.

I would just ask him, but I am positive he would just deny it, either because he isn't aware he is doing it or because he doesn't know why.

Carolyn Hax: How can you be positive if you haven't asked him yet?

Nice guys finishing last: It has long been my experience that guys (and gals) who whine about being passed up because they're "too nice" are actually not all that nice to start with. For one thing, they whine.

Carolyn Hax: Nuff said.

San Francisco, Calif.: Carolyn, I expect to eventually marry someone that I know my parents will reject for reasons that are less than legitimate. Dad, in particular, is vocal about his views (often traditional) though well-meaning. He's tossed about amusing (to me at least) statistics such as "men of that race are known to be abusive." (To which I silently respond: And men of our race are known to be chauvinistic.) I'm not naming names here in hopes of avoiding perpetuating stereotypes. Oh, I can think of many other interesting debates that we will be having. Older man with a child? That one would be an excellent conversation starter.

I don't think my bemused expression would help in communicating with my parents, who have been attempting without success to play matchmaker, citing eligible bachelors with Harvard medical degrees, who of course come from, you guessed it, traditional families of the same race as us. Yippee. I'd love trade my own parents with another set of conservative ones. Any suggestions for a one-time deal-sealing talk between me and the "rents?" I'm not planning to spend much time bringing my future and existing families together, regardless of whom I marry. (The obligatory weekly phone calls that I never get around to are torturous enough.)

Carolyn Hax: I'm not sure what you're asking me for here. Whether you should have the OTDST with your parents, or what to say that'll make it all be okay? I don't know, and I don't know.

You've got one thing working for you, and that's the understanding that you're the one living your life, not your parents, and so your values have to drive your life choices. Good good. But the chip on your shoulder is working just as hard against you, and making it hard for me to say, yeah, go talk it out when your only offerings to -them- are rage, disgust and sarcasm. Somewhere, somehow, deep inside the you they raised, there has to be some understanding of why Dad is the way he is. You don't have to like it, but you aren't going to get anywhere unless you at least appreciate where the guy comes from. Then, talk away. Good luck.

Oakton, Va.: Carolyn: While I agree that you cannot always judge someone by their physical appearance, if a guy wants a physically beautiful woman for a wife, then don't you think he should indeed have one? Why marry someone you don't want or love just to comform to someone else's idea of what you "should" be satisfied with?

Carolyn Hax: I don't think she was saying they "should" be satisfied with less-than-modelesque women; she was saying they "should" stop complaining about being judged by shallow standards when they're judging at the kiddie-pool level themselves.

Carolyn Hax: Barf break.

Nice guys finishing last: I've also found that self-proclaimed "nice guys" are not that interesting. Nice guys who are interesting tend to describe themselves with more concrete terms, such as funny, athletic, intelligent, etc. "Nice" is just any easy way to describe yourself when you can't think of anything else.

washingtonpost.com: Tough room. -- Lisa.

Carolyn Hax: Just figuring that out?

Actually, I think the "nice" guy lament is just one of the ways people prove they're not comfortable in their own skin--no different, really, from a fast-car-and-shoulder-chip glassbowl. Have personality/spine/maturity, will travel; the rest tend to sit there and bitch.

Mars/Venus: When I was first dating my wife, she was dating several other people. She didn't throw it up in my face, I just realized she was always booked for the entire weekend by Tuesday. Later, when we were living together, I found out I was in a rotation with EIGHT other guys. I was pretty pissed but she said "Well, I wasn't sleeping with any of them either, so what's the problem."

Shut my mouth.

Carolyn Hax: Well trained.

USA: My boyfriend and I (two years) were talking about moving and apartments (not moving in together) He is thinking of buying a house. I jokingly said -- "you could rent me out a couch or room." He told me no he enjoys living alone right now. I asked him if he would EVER want a "roommate" and he said yes. It felt weird having him say he still wanted to live alone (he is over 30). Is he subtly trying to tell me something?

Carolyn Hax: Dunno. Have you asked?

Amsterdam, The Netherlands: Carolyn,

I'm an Washingtonian living in Holland. I love your chat (and column) but, because of the time difference, I usually tune in after the fact. I want to respond to the guy that wrote in last week who's planning to get stoned on vacation. The legend is actually truth here, as dope is freely available. All one has to do is walk into a "coffee shop," where coffee's not actually the main product sold. But if, as he said, he believes in "when in Rome..." then he shouldn't necessarily rush out to get high, as most people getting high here are tourists, not locals. In any case, he should be careful smoking here. The dope's very strong, and locals who do smoke cut their joints with tobacco so they smoke less dope. Just a couple puffs is normally all is takes, so he should take it easy, have fun and, hopefully, work it out with his wife before he gets here.

Carolyn Hax: I'm opening a Hash Rock Cafe. Thanks muchly.

Double Dater: I think what people think is wrong with going out with more than one guy is that most assume that if you are "dating" someone you are sleeping with them. And in that case, sleeping with two different people while maybe not "wrong" is scary and stupid.

Carolyn Hax: Yeah, so, what's UP with that? I've been seeing a lot of those "dating"-means-you're-having-sex assumptions/implications, and I've been meaning to ask when that one went on the books. "Dating" means you go out on dates.

Also in Anywhere: My mother-in-law has just been diagnosed with cancer and I'm struggling with how to be as supportive as possible to my wife in this situation. We're diametrical opposites in terms of past experience with such situations. Her family is large and living for the most part. Mine -- once large -- is now down to about three of us. Anyway, this depletion has left me a bit cynical. I'm not cold-hearted or entirely gloom and doom; just not that experienced with uttering an encouraging word. What should I say and do? I really want to help them both.

Carolyn Hax: I think the best thing you can do for your wife is to understand that, no matter how many times you've seen this or been through this or gotten past this, it's still her Mommy. Love her. Give her a hug.

Washington, D.C.: Greetings, happy Friday. A couple of questions about Anonymous's letter from Sunday. First, why do people always think "adolescent experimentation, now gone straight" instead of "bisexual?" Second, why are people convinced that a gay past will make someone more likely to cheat/leave in the future? It seems to me that can happen with any couple, regardless of orientation. It's a trust issue.

Carolyn Hax: Thank you, happy greetings to you.

What you say is true all around, but I think this situation was a bit different because the woman was the first and only hetero relationship he'd had. Plus, HE was the one claiming straightness. That put the GF in the position of having to take him at his word even though that word might have some undetermined denial content.

That would then explain the fear of his leaving (she didn't suggest cheating, if memory serves, morally a quite different thing). It's not necessarily the gay past that has to fuel it, but the sense she has that, at present, he still might not be at peace.

"Dating": When did "dating" start to mean having sex? Maybe it was when college students thought it was OK to "hook up" on the first meeting at a party. When I was in college, (in the stone age, of course) such an act was the subject of number "should I or shouldn't I" discussions and agonizings among friends. Nowadays, they have a drink or two and think it's OK.

Carolyn Hax: If I were a college student, I think I'd take umbrage.

So what's up with the Russians?: Even Irina Slutskaya knew she'd screwed up last night. Wasn't her night, wasn't Kwan's night. So why are the Russians trying to dis poor little Sarah Hughes's phenomenal performance?

Carolyn Hax: They are? This is why my TV is usually off.

Alexandria, Va.: What do you think of the "man goes to ask GF's father for hand in marriage before proposing" tradition?

P.S. I think it is so wrong! My sisters and friends think it's the right thing to do and "so sweet."

Carolyn Hax: I think you should marry someone who thinks it's icky, and they should marry someone who thinks it's so sweet.

Guilty: Hi C.H. Is honestly always the best policy with a significant other? Do I have to tell him that I kissed an ex-boyfriend last year while BF and I were in a bumpy long-distance relationship? It seems irrelevant now.

Carolyn Hax: Then it is.

A place: "..."Dating" means you go out on dates.."? What high school do you go to? Seriously, I'm not trying to be combative, but I don't think I know a single soul who doesn't use "dating" as a synonym for "sleeping together." Just my .02.

Carolyn Hax: Sure you're not trying, just a leetle?

Frankly, I haven't heard "dating" since I was in high school, so maybe that'll take care of it. But I still think that to assume two people who go out to dinner sometimes MUST be having sex is a bleepy thing to project on them. Girlfriend/boyfriend, "seeing each other" used in a way that suggests they're exclusive--okay, assume away, if you must and/or care. But the whole idea that sex is an assumed part of the mate-seeking process strikes me as pretty screwed up.

washingtonpost.com: Please stop submitting the bridesmaid question over and over. We got it.

Bridesmaid Question!: Any ideas on how to gracefully decline an invitation to be a bridesmaid? Dont think the bride and groom are ready to marry (he wants kids, she doesn't, among their many differences yet to be resolved). She'd even said she is looking forward to the wedding, but not really after. In addition to all of this, its across the country and there is the expense of the matching dress, shoes, hair makeup. I can't really afford it and I also feel it would be a lie to get up there and vouch for this wedding when that is all it is. A dress, some food, a hideously expensive church, pictures and POOF. That = TRUE HAPPINESS. I've said as much without being a spoilsport, but I can't in good conscience be a bridesmaid. I know she is going to ask me tomorrow, so PLEASE answer!

Carolyn Hax: OKAY. She's your friend and you love her, but you have to say no.

And when she presses, you say you're afraid you won't be able to invest in her what she needs you to invest.

When she presses again, say you have money issues and she has doubts and so you think it's just not right to accept.

Eesh. I don't know if I could do it, but that's how I'd want to.

Rockville, Md.: Re: Concerned friend,

So, the husband won't move out and his wife wastes away while she waits for him to grow up or decide. There's another answer and maybe it hasn't occurred to the wife and her friend should gently point it out. The wife and kids can move out. She can move in with friends, family or apartment of her own. It may require sacrifices but that's when true friends and family help out. As is, the husband isn't going to change anything because she isn't standing up for her own right to be treated with respect and dignity.

Carolyn Hax: Well said, thank you.

Pittsburgh, Pa.: Last night, my ex called to say that he was getting married and wanted to send me a wedding invitation. We broke up several years ago, but it was a nasty split (I'd known him since we were in elementary school, and I'd once thought that we would spend our lives together), and we've had next to no contact since. I told him nicely that I wouldn't be able to attend (which was true, incidentally), but I'm wondering why he invited me in the first place. It's several states away, and the only people I'd know there would be his family, who were never that fond of me in the first place. If he'd wanted to renew our friendship, he could have done so at any point in the past few years. Am I wrong to think that he might just be trying to rub my face in it? If he does mail me an invitation, would it be unbearably petty of me not to send a gift?

Carolyn Hax: Um. There's no gift obligation, there's no invite-accepting obligation, there's no find-ulterior-motive-behind-invite obligation. Send your polite regrets.

Dating does not equal sex!: Not to the 20- and 30-somethings I know. For that we have "boyfriend/girlfriend." Dating is going out, spending time together, some of it possibly in the sack but by no means necessarily! And yes, it's still used.

So pooh on your combative correspondent.

Carolyn Hax: Yeah. Pooh!

Thank you.

Carolyn Hax: That's it for today, I feel a weekend coming on. oh, and a scheduling note: Starting next week and continuing through the end of March, I'm lumping the two live hours into one, from noon to 2 p.m. Fridays. Have a good one, and thanks for playing.

A concerned friend -- more: Actually, she is staying right now because her lawyer has advised her to not move out at this phase.

I'm not completely clear why, but something about abandonment.

Thanks for the input. I wish she'd leave to but right now she is listening to her lawyer.

Carolyn Hax: If her leaving will compromise her regarding custody, then she should listen. Ugly. But she should also get a second opinion, because one should always get a second opinion. I bet the local domestic-crisis center would have a good referral list.

Disbelief (again): For the last person saying the wife should move out -- NOT NECESSARILY A GOOD IDEA. From a legal standpoint, (depending on the jurisdiction) moving out of the family home, without some kind of legal separation, could be viewed as abandoning the marriage, and could lead to problems further down the road when it comes time for the divorce, particularly if it's a contested divorce where fault will be an issue. It's probably part of the reason the husband is still "living" there.

Carolyn Hax: Ah. There it is, thanks.

washingtonpost.com: Thank you!

washingtonpost.com:

That wraps up today's show. Thanks to everyone who joined the discussion.

Stay tuned to Live Online:

Bob Levey: Speaking Freely at 1 p.m. EST
Girl Scouts: Cookie Sales at 1 p.m. EST
Michael Wilbon on the Olympics at 1:30 p.m. EST

Did you know that you can follow more than one Live Online discussion at the same time? Just open another browser window and toggle back and forth between discussions! And, if you miss one, catch up with the Live Online transcripts.

Keep up with the latest in news, sports, politics and entertainment with washingtonpost.com e-mail newsletters.

NEW! Personalize your Post with mywashingtonpost.com. Get customized news, traffic, weather and more.

Washington, DC: To person wanting to help friend dealing with absent husband and father. Please have her talk with her pediatrician for guidance on talking to her children. I did it and it helped tremendously. Pediatricians are there for the mental as well as the physical well being of children.

Carolyn Hax: Good suggesiton, thanks.

   |      |