Carolyn Hax (The Post)

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Tell Me About It
Hosted by Carolyn Hax
Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, Feb 8, 2002; Noon EST

Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.

Appearing every Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ฎ offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 30-something repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that’s about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.

The transcript follows.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

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Confused in Virginia: I have been married now for almost five years and we have a daughter together. I met him young and haven't really experienced a lot of life, and now I am 30 and am really regretting that I never lived on my own, I went from mom and dad to my husband. How do I come to terms that I may never live my life of independence that I am dying for, but don't want to leave my husband? Any insight would be very helpful. Thanks

Carolyn Hax: Actually, the way life works, either you or your husband could find yourselves living a "life of independence" as early as this afternoon. More morbid than my usual Friday fare, but there it is.

That's why it's not particularly productive to pit one set of circumstances--husband/daughter/hone--against another--you trekking in Nepal, hair unbrushed!--and judge one to be inferior, particularly when one is imaginary and the "inferior" one is real. Situations are fluid and deeply affected both by fate and by your own will. Feel an itch? Find a way to scratch it that involves your family, or that can be accomplished with the help of a couple of sitters and a lot of imagination. That's independence, really, if you think about it--being able to envision something and then to go about making it happen your own darn self. It has little to do with being alone.

St. Louis, Mo.: Carolyn --

Just heard that the only ex-boyfriend I ever truly loved is engaged. I know that he wasn't the one for me -- an ex for a reason -- but still have found myself heartsick over his engagement. Is this normal? I think I am more sad that I have not found my match more than him finding his, but have found myself in tears and dreading my long life... alone. What can I do?

Carolyn Hax: See above.

Carolyn Hax: How insensitive was THAT.

It can be really hard to see an ex move on. It can also be easy, even a relief. Kind of like birthdays--it's a reminder of what you've failed to become at your age, except what it's a great excuse to eat cake. Common source of distress is ... bing, underlying sense of personal dissatisfaction.

Maybe you're right to single out your singleness as the culprit, but if you are, it's a prescription for more misery. Life alone is what -most- people lead. (In borad math, half of adults are married, half of all marriages fail ...) If matelessness is a joyless thing, than what are we all thinking?

Anti-Valentine's Day: How does a single, available, woman deal with Valentine's Day? Not getting flowers/candy/engagement ring serves to be a painful reminder that there is no one to give the flowers/candy/engagement ring.

I hate Feb. 14 with a passion and will be in my usual all-black attire that day.

By the way, wasn't Valentine's Day created by FTD, Hallmark and DeBeers?

Carolyn Hax: Anti-Anti Valentine's Day: I promise I won't make this an hour-long one-topic rant, but ["sheesh"], sweetie, time to brush up on those coping skills. It's a -day.- Send four pounds of chocolate to a center for troubled kids and get over yourself.

Arlington, Va.: A woman and I have been seeing each other, and the other night we started to head toward intimacy and she got really freaked out. Apparently she's been used by a lot of guys. We ended up just cuddling and talking and falling asleep. She expressed regret for being what she called "a head case" (which she isn't). Right now I feel like sending her flowers with something like "You're worth the wait" on it so she won't stress. Good idea? I don't want her to feel pressured.

Carolyn Hax: I think that's lovely. I also think she might be a head case, to some extent, but I don't say that to discourage you--just to make sure that you don't make the mistake of dismissing her freakyness as something merely to wait out. It's something you're both going to have to work on, and work with, but I hope someday reap great rewards from.

Loveland, Colo.: Carolyn,

I have a crush on a guy (Joe) and was gearing up to ask him out when his roommate called and asked me out. I told him I was flattered, but interested in someone else. What do I do now? I still really want to ask Joe out, but don't want to cause a rift between the roommates because we all hang out together often.

Another guy friend who works with both of them has told me he thinks Joe would like to go out with me and doesn't think it matters that his roommate beat him to it, especially since I wasn't interested. How can it not matter? Doesn't that kinda make me off limits to Joe if he wants to stay friendly with his roommate? I know I would steer clear of anyone my roommates were interested in. HELP! (online only, please)

Carolyn Hax: The rift with the roommate is Joe's to create or avoid. In fact, the way he deals with it could say a lot about him, if you want to look at it that way--just as your sensitivity to the roommate says good stuff about you.

So. Why not just go up to Joe and tell him you were going to ask him out, but that the turn of events left you with no idea what to do. Then Joe can either say he's interested and will deal with the roommate, or that he's sorry but not interested because he has a crush on your roommate. Then you can all sell the screenplay to Miramax.

Houston, Tex.: Hi, my sister is just coming out of a long marriage with a mean, arrogant, self-centered, condescending idiot. They moved eight years ago and she's spent most of that eight years trying to find new friends but mainly spending time either alone or with him (same thing) and suffering through his drinking, flirting, affairs. His affairs and drinking were all her fault, of course. The problem: she's turned into someone who can't have a normal conversation with anyone. If she says it's cold inside and you say you think it's comfortable, you're out to get her (like he always was) and she totally shuts down. The question: is it our job to help gently bring her back into this world? Or should we just let her make her own way? She's starting her old job back and I'm afraid unless she changes her conversational skills, she's going to fail miserably. Thanks!

Carolyn Hax: This is a job for therapy, seems to me. Of course, if you can't make suggestions about the room temperature without setting her off, good luck getting a delivery signature for "egads you need help." But there's a way to make almost anything palatable, and that's to show deep concern and sympathy for her. "You have taken a lot of abuse and you are rightly very angry about that, so have you considered talking with someone to help you work through it?" Then dive behind nearest sofa. Good luck.

Yep, I'm in a State -- An Angry One: Hi.

About four months ago I broke it off with a woman I'd been seeing for nearly a year. Things were okay, but I just didn't feel like we had much of a future and didn't want either of us to stay in a relationship where neither was really getting what they wanted. So, we tried to at least be civil.

Three weeks ago she sent me an e-mail saying that I was the love of her life. The week after that, she sent me one saying that she had started seeing someone else and wished me all the best; this week's reply was that she "just didn't want to know me any more."

I guess I really don't have a question -- just a statement. If you recognize yourself in this behavior, consider anger management. Therapy. Meds. Something.

Carolyn Hax: Yeah, but aren't you SO glad you aren't with her any more?

That she still obviously cares so much?

That you now have a killer story to tell at parties? "No no, get THIS..."

I tried.

Reston, Va.: Interesting to come here right after the chat with the porn star.

washingtonpost.com: I produced that one too. Walk a mile in my shoes. -- Lisa.

Carolyn Hax: Mine are real.

Carolyn Hax: I meant the shoes.

Eureka!: "That's independence, really, if you think about it -- being able to envision something and then go about making it happen your own darn self. It has little to do with being alone."

That is so...perfect! What a great comment. Seems so simple, yet it never occurred to me. I tend to feel like marriage/kids = giving up independence. But I guess it's not that black and white, huh?

Thanks.

Carolyn Hax: Is anything?

Thank you--glad it made sense to you.

Valentine's Day: Actually, it wasn't created by FTD. It's to commemorate the death of a saint who was martyred by being boiled alive.

Have a good one!

Carolyn Hax: [water through nose]

Party etiquette... do I have to decide NOW if I want to date him?: I met this guy before the holidays, and we hit it off great. He's attractive, nice, and funny. Plus, our conversation spanned everything from 1980s TV to current events. I went to a party at his house and we had a great time. He got my number. We're both very busy and finally managed to meet up this past week. I invited him along with a group (he's new in town I figured he could meet more people this way)to a party tonight. I figured I'd just roll with it, considering I don't want to put any pressures on anything. So far we've just talked, no indications of romance, though flirting is obvious. I am wondering if I should decide now if I should pursue this. Given we are going to a party together but not "together," and there will be women checking him out and I might meet guys there as well. So, I'm just happy he is coming. But should I be approaching this a certain way? He is a great guy, and I am attracted to him and genuinely like him. I just don't want to rush things. I don't want to miss the boat, I've done that before. Are there obligations to each other at the party? I feel sort of awkward and don't want to be rude (I am a very social person) but I hate the idea of staying by his side all night. What if someone tries to pick him/me up?

Carolyn Hax: Definitely lay off the caffeine at least six hours before you go.

"So, I'm just happy he is coming." That's so nice. You can get such a great evening out of it, if you just trust it. yknow?

Washington, D.C.: Help. My parents are aging and the older they get the more they fight. My dad is disabled and still working, my mom has basically checked out of his life, but not his home. She does not bring him food, clean, etc. As his kids, we are taking over all of this -- it seems radically unfair since she is out essentially partying. Any tips?

Carolyn Hax: Ooh. Tough one. But so common, really, if you just rearrange a few of the specifics. The only way to keep yourselves from getting irreversibly steamed about this is for you, the kids, to get yourselves organized. Instead of taking over here and there as needed, to fill in the Mom gaps, begin to operate on the premise that she's out of the picture and you're it. Unfair, but ... ? There's no court or venue or institution that can make you whole here. Now, you just need to find a way not to dwell on mom, which will only add resentment to injustice. Pick days to do stuff, dollar figures to contribute, etc., so that it's parceled out into manageable bits. Cool thing you;re doing, by the way, stepping in to help dad.

Upper Marlboro, Md.: What is a guy trying to tell you if he nows you like him and he is always talking about his girlfriend/ex-girlfriend?

Carolyn Hax: That he loves her and not you?

Or he lacks conversation skills. Equally lethal.

Somewhere, USA: Carolyn -- HELP!

I think I'm displaying some signs of depression. I hate my job -- I don't get paid nearly enough for what I do, and the company knows it; I'm only doing it because it looks good on my record and I'm planning to get a higher degree soon. The only thing that keeps me getting up every morning is just telling myself "only for a year, just one year" (it's been five months now). As you can guess I just graduated from school, but none of my friends have yet -- so I miss school, as crazy as that sounds. On top of that, I just moved back home, so I feel VERY restricted since I haven't had to answer to anyone in the past four years -- I'd like to move out, but honestly with this job I can't afford it, and though my parents don't have me on lockdown (like they used to pre-graduation), I still feel belligerent towards them, for no apparent reason. Sometimes I get so frustrated and then when I have a Murphy's Law day (whatever can go wrong, will), I break down and wonder what went wrong.

I'd appreciate any advice you can give me, although I can already hear it -- THERAPY. Thanks a bunch. I think it helped just to let it out here.

Carolyn Hax: This may just be the [poo] you have to wade through to get to the other side, in which case, hang in there and welcome to humanity. But ... but. I don't know. It just seems like this phase only seems unbearable to those who, deep down, aren't terribly excited about what they're working toward. Job looks good on record? Gunning for higher degree? So, any meaning, any oomph, any -you- in all this ambition?

Slightly Neuroticville?: Carolyn,

I hope you don't give me the smack down live I've seen (and applauded) you doing to so many before me. My question is slightly related to another from today -- the state of anger person who broke up with someone after a year because he felt it just wasn't going anywhere. I'm in a situation that I really hope isn't similar, but I'm not sure how people figure things like that out. If you really like someone, and spending time with them, and feel love for each other, do you have to proclaim it, make plans for the future, etc., for the relationship to be going somewhere? Is this a case of moving at our own (reasonable) pace or am I kidding myself?

Thanks. (online only please)

Carolyn Hax: I dunno, I think all these things are different versions of people moving at their own pace(s). It's only a problem when two people's paces differ, and when that happens, you think and talk and find some way to deal. So, until you reach that point where your goals or intentions diverge, you can probably get away with kidding yourself indefinitely.

(Didn't have a smackdown in me. Sorry.)

Washington, D.C.: Just more of a comment, really -- just wanted to let Anti-Valentine's Day know that just because you're married doesn't mean you get flowers and chocolate. Sometimes you get SportsCenter and pizza.

Carolyn Hax: If it's good pizza, I'm in.

Boston, Mass.: Please, please help me out!

A couple of weeks ago I met a guy with whom I really hit it off. He asked for my number and I happily obliged.

Two days later my phone broke and remained broken for pretty much a week. When one would try to call, they would get nothing, dead air.

So, now I'm left wondering if he called, but thought I gave him the wrong # or something.

Although he never gave it to me, I tracked down his e-mail and work #. Should I get in contact with him in case there was a misunderstanding?

Thanks!

Carolyn Hax: ha. You've just provided validation for everyone who has ever checked the non-ringing phone to make sure there was a dial tone. Not that i ever have or anything.

Just assume he never tried to call, then call and ask him out.

When he asks how you got his number, don't mention the private detective. Bad form.

Omaha, Neb.: Carolyn,

My wife has started taking less-than-good care of herself. She goes out with friends one night a week and drinks more than is good for her. She's on a resticted diet for medical reasons and she hasn't been following that very well lately.

There doesn't seem to be anything I can do except to love her and support her when she decides to start taking better care of herself.

Have you got any other ideas? Do you think I should leave her? A friend suggested this but I really do not like the idea.

Thanks.

Carolyn Hax: That's pretty extreme, unless you're talking about an addiction scenario and leaving is the only recourse you have left to save her, and yourself. Have you had a frank conversation with her about this, laying out what you see and the way it makes you feel? If you think you might not want to stay with her if this behavior continues, then it could help to say that--"I will stick by you and support you, but I don't know how long I'll last here, watching you kill yourself slowly"--if that's indeed what she's doing. Set your feelings and your limits out where she can see them.

Connecticut: Carolyn --

What ever happened to the person who was "working with Commander Crotch" the person who worked with a guy who grabbed himself and farted a lot? I'd love to hear how they're doing.

Carolyn Hax: The vanilla-scented-poo guy? What a funny thing to remember. I did hear back, and I believe he got fired. or laid off, but fired sounds right.

Any where but here: Actually St. Valentine was a Christian priest who performed underground Christian wedding ceremonies during the pagan Roman times. At the time, practicing Christianity was a death sentence. St. Valentine was impaled and slow roasted over a fire. Alive.

Carolyn Hax: So, marshmallows sted chocolates.

Carolyn Hax: I'm going to hell.

And I'm late, so, goobye, and thank you. Type to you Monday.

washingtonpost.com:

That wraps up today's show. Thanks to everyone who joined the discussion.

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