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Tell Me About It
Hosted by Carolyn
Hax
Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, Feb. 1, 2002; Noon EST
Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.
Appearing every Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ฎ offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 30-something repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and thats about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.
The transcript follows.
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Carolyn Hax: I've got to bail a little early so what say we start a little early ...
Baltimore, Md.:
My sister (who lives in Northern Virginia) is an alcoholic and is currently in the hospital for health problems related to the alcoholism. When she gets out, she will need to go into a treatment program. I am guessing she will want an out-patient program. Do you have any suggestions for how to find a good out-patient program in Northern Virginia? She will not need detox as she is doing that in the hospital while they treat her for other medical problems.
Also, a while back, you mentioned a AA-like group for agnostics or aetheists. Can you print that again?
Finally, I am looking for therapists for both my mom (in Northern Virginia) and me (Baltimore) -- someone we can talk to about how to be supportive without becoming enablers. Any suggestions on where to find therapists that help families dealing with alcohol abuse?
We are at a loss as to where to turn. Thanks for any help you can provide. washingtonpost.com:
I went to Google.com and typed "outpatient alcohol treatment northern virginia" -- got 1,800 matches.
I also typed in "AA agnostic atheist" and got 1,080 matches. A lot of personal stories, but also got this: http://www.sossobriety.org/12steps.htm -- Secular Organizations for Sobriety/Save Our Selves. Please keep in mind that I haven't vetted these and that this isn't an endorsement. But it's a place to start. -- Lisa.
Carolyn Hax: More help than Google, I hope. Yikes.
In any situation like this, when you're looking for a specific health service and need some way of filtering out the less-than-bona fide options, the best place to turn is some other trusted health source. The family doctor is a good start, or shrink, or the family something-else (have you talked to your sister's current doctors, for example?). In the absence of those, there are always professional organizations. The American Psychological Association (www.apa.org) and the Amer. Psychiattric Association (www.psych.org) have local branches where you can call for referrals.
In the this-is-not-an-endorsement category, I'll throw in that a few secular organizations have turned up more often than others in my reading on this and in readers' emails to me: Rational Recovery (http://www.rational.org/), SMART Recovery (http://www.smartrecovery.org/) and the one Lisa mentions, SOS.
Washington, D.C.:
Everywhere I look I see engagement rings, babies, couples, and God help me that Valentine's Day is being advertised already. I am single, and have had my share of heartbreak. I am trying not to have ANY expectations AT ALL, but I am becoming increasingly lonely and jaded, and feel like I am NEVER going to find true love; all the losers like me, and the ones I like end up being jerks. Do you have any sage advice for me so that I don't throw myself in front of a bus?
Carolyn Hax: Please don't throw yourself in front of a bus.
Have you considered directing all that pent up love and attention toward others who may be feeling just as starved? Say, becoming a Big Brother/Big Sister/Best Buddy/mentor of some sort, or volunteering at a home for the elderly, or walking dogies at a shelter. Romance isn't the only way to alleviate loneliness or alienation.
Carolyn Hax: I hope that didn't come off as preachy. wasn't meant that way, it's just hard to see a guy/girl as the only answer when there's a Boo snoring on the floor to my left.
Virginia:
I expect about 200 guests at my wedding and I can't afford to feed all of them. And it would cause too many hurt feelings to leave some of them off the invitation list. Would it be rude to ask the people in the wedding party and other close relatives to each bring a dish for a pot-luck reception? Or would it be better to serve nothing but punch and cake, which I can afford on my own?
P.S. There is nowhere else I can cut costs.
Carolyn Hax: Amazing how this whole thing teeters on the edge between awesome and awful. You're inclined to include vs. exclude, which is great ... but so many of the worst ideas are born under these circumstances (two words: cash bar). And to make it tougher, some of the same ideas either fly or backfire depending on the people attempting to pull them off. Pot luck is a great example. A tight family of cook-for-a-crowd types might really get into that ... but for 50 people in a back yard. You're asking friends and 200? Eesh.
I say cake and punch unless you can gather all your wedding partiers and say here's the deal: I have x dollars to spend and 200 people. Have you run across any great cheap ideas? All kinds of stuff floating around out there.
Washington, D.C.:
Brady or Bledsoe?
Carolyn Hax: Did you see that doinker Bledsoe threw as he was falling last Sunday? Such a Bledsoe thing to do.
Baltimore, Md.:
Re: The divorcing sister, you're right, Carolyn, I hadn't considered that the sister is "the one" divorcing and therefore "it's hers" to screw up. Yup, there is no kid. Or if there is a kid, she's not going through it. Only mom.
Sorry for the snarkiness but that's the best attitude I can muster for selfish parents who put their own emotions ahead of their kids' well-being. I'm the rare critic who doesn't claim to know what your answer should have been -- maybe two parties, one with mom, the other with dad? -- but those two people have to learn to be civil to each other sooner or later, and the sooner the better. Your advice to the sisters to respect mom's borderline-child-abuse wishes was wrong. If sanctimony is what it takes to snap that woman into reality, then to her sisters, I say: Mount your high horses, ladies.
Carolyn Hax: And they'll accomplish exactly what you just did--to be extremely off-putting and not change minds. There are better ways to make the point with the sister than to maneuver behind her back. Or, in this case, right in her face.
Washington, D.C.:
If you had a choice between a somewhat boring job that let you spend less time commuting and a more interesting job that took an hour each way to get to work, which would you choose? The latter also pays significantly more but you have less time to do other things after work. Then you realize you don't do a lot of things after work except go to the gym.
Thanks.
Carolyn Hax: I can't think of anything interesting enough to make me endure two hours a day in DC traffic, so I have to go with Door No. 3: move.
Washington, D.C.:
Here's a 98 percent fluff question: In a very early online discussion you said this was a good forum for people like "Frilly in Fresno" who want anonymity to say, "I'm wearing women's underwear. Is that so wrong?" Well, I have a little twist on that: One desperate morning when I had no clean underwear, I borrowed a pair of my husband's tighty-whities, and now I don't want to give them up! They don't have any pinchy places that ride up or cut into your skin, they have this nice wide elastic band at the top -- they're just purely... functional... underpants (and granted, some of those functions are ones I don't need). It's like a machine designed to swaddle your nether parts in comfort. Why isn't women's underwear designed like this? Am I the only woman who feels this way?
Carolyn Hax: Haven't road tested this one, so I'll have to get back to you. Your husband must dig it, though. So Sex-and-the-City.
Fluffy Friday:
I know of no guidelines yet but what to wear to a class reunion?
What temp does it have to be so I can wear open-toed shoes in winter and people won't laugh and point?
Carolyn Hax: 1. Anything that makes you feel like a babe. Just walk it by a friend for a preemptive what-was-she-thinking check.
2. Laugh and point back.
Laurel, Md.:
Re: Feeling alone/lonely -- I'd have to say "get used to it, you're born alone, you die alone -- appreciate companionship, but don't expect it."
This sound depressing, but for me, anyway, it's very liberating. It lets me enjoy what I have for friendship, but not be unhappy when I'm being solitary.
Carolyn Hax: Works for me, thanks.
Cockeysville, Md.:
Have been long distance friends with a woman for a year and a half. It's gotten closer recently and turned into long distance relationship. I recently suggested that I would like to move there (she has a stable job, I'm a consultant and can work from wherever). My thinking is the only way to see how it will work is to be in the same city. She says it would put more pressure on the situation if I'm moving just to be with her. I'm ready for family, marriage, etc. She is not yet. Am I being unreasonable to think we should be in the same area to truly see how well it will work?
Carolyn Hax: Sounds like you're already putting pressure on her on the marriage and family front, so that's got to stop.
On the rest of it, though, I see your point. You're not moving just to be with her, you're moving because YOU need this. Right? Maybe give it another month or two; she could also be freaked by the "recently" on top of the other pressure. But if she's hiding behind the pressure thing to avoid saying she doesn't want you there, then she needs to say so directly.
Another for the you-two-need-to-talk file.
Depressed with Friends (again):
I wrote in a few weeks ago asking how to best explain depression to friends. When I pressed the issue with my (former) best friend, she replied that it's "all in my head," therapy and drugs don't do anything, and that I need to "get over myself." Is there anything that can be said in response to this?
Thank you for suggesting "Unholy Ghost," it is scarily accurate. If only I could get others to read it.
Carolyn Hax: Wow, that sucks. I'm sorry. It has me reaching for a line like the great one in Animal House from Dean Wormer to Flounder: "Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life." Except substituting ignorant, judgmental and rude.
What can you do. Not all friends prove to be worth the affection we show them.
Boston, Mass.:
What are your views on the laws of supply and demand in relation to relationships? I have a great friend who I just love and love to spend time with as much as possible (though I also have a very happy, busy and fulfilling life aside from that), and I hope it will develop in to something more. But I wonder, will he start to value me less if I'm around so much? Even though he seems to enjoy my company as much as I enjoy his, and seems interested in the "more" part, sometimes I feel like he might be taking me for granted. Do I need to be careful about spending too much time or being "available" too much? Or do I just go along seeing him when I please and just see what happens, hoping that if he really does care for me it will not be affected by how available I am?
Carolyn Hax: Ooh. Good ... but haven't I answered this one? Senility, when everything old is new again.
Anyway. I think people can spend huge amounts of time together without diminishing returns. I also think people can get sick of each other. What I don't believe is that game-playing--i.e, deliberately making yourself less "available" just to drive your price back up--is the way to reconcile these two. Enjoy each other as much as you want to, but also build in some breathers--for -you-. To do things you like to do by yourself, or with other friends, or whatever.
Snow drift, USA:
Hey Carolyn,
I expect to run into an estranged friend from school at an alumni function next month. We were once very close but had a falling out, and haven't really spoken in several years. I'm ready to drop all hostility but not wuite ready to be best friends, or pretend falling out didn't occur. How should I greet this person? Handshake, hug or no-contact hello? Should we keep it superficial at the large event even if that's a little awkward? Also, if I know through the grapevine something that recently happened to this person, should I acknowledge it or play dumb? Thanks.
Carolyn Hax: I'd call before the event, to get the awkward stuff out of the way.
Somewhere, USA:
Carolyn,
You often tell people they need to talk -- to spouse, roommate, parent, friend, whoever -- when they lay out their problem to you. How does one start doing that?
My husband and I have gotten out of the habit of talking about much of anything. There's some stuff I'm not happy about and I don't know how to start and I also don't know if it would even be a good idea to dump a bunch of stuff on him all at once.
Thoughts?
Carolyn Hax: Thoughts. Tell him what you have been feeling (vs. YOU-this, YOU-that, which will put him on the defensive), and say you would like to know what he thinks and feels about that. You start just by starting, and you disarm by being honest. "I have no idea how to say this and I'm so afraid I'll screw it up, but here goes. I've felt so lonely at home lately." or whatever, though that is so often the problem.
Wedding:
Midafternoon ceremony so guests don't expect to be fed, and cake and punch. Have a friend (or a few) do the photos. Skip the favors, or do something super-cheap. (I had 50 people, and got everyone a different Dover Thrift Edition book for $1 each.) Skip the flowers. I carried three calla lilies, bought the day before at Fresh Fields, tied with a red ribbon. And think long and hard before sinking any money into a dress. I wore a traditional wedding dress that cost an embarassing amount of money; my sister wore a pretty white dress she found at Nordstrom. I wish I had done what she did.
Carolyn Hax: I wish most brides had done what you did. Thanks.
Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic:
I met a guy on a blind date, we'd talked on the phone a few times before meeting and had a couple of very good conversations that lasted about an hour each. I'm pretty sure there was a spark for both of us, and he said he'd call the next day. He called a few days late, invited me to dinner but didn't make a specific plan. Now I'm waiting to hear from him and the suspense is killing me. What do you think - should I call him, or wait for him to call me? I'm not used to being the pursuer but it's hard to wait, not knowing if he'll call when I'm so hoping he will. He seemed to be really into me and I think it might be some sort of insecurity - I have a great job that keeps me very busy and I'm meeting other guys in the meantime. Can we take a straw poll? Thanks!
Carolyn Hax: I tend to believe that if they want to call, people find a way to call, even the insecure. (And if he's that paralyzed, is this something you want to deal with?)
My vote is for a mindset change. Instead of believing that things went great and then trying to arrange your explanations to support that, start believing things as-is. You had what you thought was a good date, then ... nothing much. So what do you do in that case? Call and find out for yourself. Ask him to dinner or something.
Engagedsville:
How do two people from planet Contrarian get along? Everything I say or recommend, my fiancee seems to think the opposite. We gotten to joking about it, but occasioanlly I want to throw something, albeit soft, at his head.
Carolyn Hax: Throw it at yours. Why are you marrying this?
Arlington, Va.:
I suspect the guy I've been seeing for about three months is more into the "relationship" than he is into "me." He makes comments like "it's so much nicer sleeping in a bed with someone than sleeping alone." Is it fair to ask him "hey, are you into 'us' or are you into 'me'?
Carolyn Hax: Why wouldn't it be?
Washington, DC:
As an ex-MA person, first of all, GO PATS! Secondly, GO BRADY! And third, do you know where Pats fans are gathering on Sunday?
Carolyn Hax: Somebody help this poor fan. Me, I'm deeep in Pats country. Go instant replay!
Washington, D.C.:
Carolyn, I am single guy raising my 2-year-old daughter. I am having the hardest time meeting women with any substance. I run into a lot of women with low self-esteem and who seemingly do not have the supporting cast that I give my daughter's mom. I truly understand what a lot of women go through when they are single parents and cannot find a good date.
Any advice on what I may being doing wrong?
Carolyn Hax: Expecting too much of people? Not that you should settle for someone you don't love and respect, but think for a second of how many people you've met in your life, and then how many you truly love and respect. Hang in there.
Wash, DC:
For Santo Domingo: It's a control thing. The guy obviously could see how eager you were. DO NOT CALL.
Carolyn Hax: Oh I SO disagree! Not calling completes the game/control circuit, if that's what he's doing. Call him. If he's trying to catch a mouse, then he'll be turned off by her, and that's a good thing.
Re: Engagedsville:
My husband and I are from different planets in many respects (me religious, for eg., and he agnostic, me Democrat, he Republican/independent).
But I have come to realize that we are emotionally and morally resonant and that for me that is an important part of the relationship. If I see or hear something that angers me or saddens me or makes me laugh ironically I know I can bring it home and he will understand. Really understand. And we both understand if the other has some sort of ethical commitment that might inconvenience either or both of us.
E'ville might want to ask herself whether the disagreements are superficial or really go deep.
Carolyn Hax: Good point, thanks. Throw in the matter of contentiousness, though, too. The agreements may just be superficial, but if the head-butting over them is constant, I'd rather eat nails.
Pats fan too:
In response to the Washington DC Pats Fan, I know that Murphy's Irish Pub in Old Town is a Pats bar, so I'm sure there'll be tons o' Pats fan there on sunday.
Carolyn Hax: Okay got the Pats answer, yay, so now I can go. Bye, thanks, happy weekend.
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