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Tell Me About It
Hosted by Carolyn
Hax
Washington Post Staff Writer
Monday, Jan. 28, 2002; 3 p.m. EST
Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.
Appearing every Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ฎ offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 30-something repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and thats about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.
The transcript follows.
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London, UK:
Hi Carolyn
I recently registered with a UK-based alumni Web site and decided to use the name-search to look up some former roommates. I sent off an e-mail to this guy with whom I was never involved, but had rather a flirtatious relationship, whom I lost touch with after graduate school when we both moved away.
A perfectly innocuous e-mail, merely asking whether he was still with the company he had the job offer with when we graduated and how things in general were. Got an e-mail back saying "Sorry, can't start a correspondance, I'm married."
What the (bleep)! Should I sympathise with having such a possessive spouse, ask him why he assumes I'm hitting on him, or let it go (no doubt the sensible thing)?
Carolyn Hax: Snort. Maybe the wife did a bleepectomy, but it could just be a massive ego thing. I'd either ride back off into the sunset, or have fun with your response--tell him how I'll forever cherish these electrons we shared.
what a doink.
Silver Spring, Md.:
Hi Carolyn. I am 28, and my boyfriend is 37.
I like to go out, maybe meet friends someplace, laugh, etc. He likes to sit at home and watch TV like a lump on a log. Is it the age difference? My best male friend, who is my age, likes to do what I like to do. I don't want to leave my boyfriend out, but should I give up having fun to go to the movies with him, then call it a night?
Carolyn Hax: Does it matter what's causing it? He's a log lump and you;re not. Time to accept this and adapt your social life to it. How you do that--by staying home, compromising, breaking up--is not for me to decide.
USA:
Dear Carolyn --
My mother and I have never gotten along, she constantly teased and hit me since I was in kindergarten. My father and I get along, but he has made it clear my mother will always come first with him. I can accept that. I have been in therapy on and off for the 10 years since I moved out of my parents' house but I still maintain relationships with both of them.
Last week my dad called me and said he would put my mom on the phone. There was a pause and I heard them arguing in the background. My mom said I was "stupid" and I "irritated" her. My father countered with "That is your daughter you are talking about." Then she and I had a stilted one-minute conversation before she gave the phone back to my dad.
They don't know I overheard their argument. I don't know why that argument suddenly happened. But I have been depressed ever since. I want to just cut ties with both of them so I never have to deal with this again. I am happy all week till the dreaded weekly phone call. I also feel bad that I get along with so many different people and their parents but not with my own. I suddenly feel like my parents have always really disliked me and it has just become clear. It's like they suddenly died.
Carolyn Hax: oh, how painful. I can't even imagine.
First, are you in therapy now? I realize you've been there and done done done that, but it seems as if your mom has thrown a massive new brick at you, and there's nothing wrong with seeking medical attention for the wound. I also think you should explore the implications of cutting ties before you actually do it. I'm not saying you shouldn't cut them; no one should be forced to endure constant, predictable pain just because it comes from a societally protected source. If you need to do this, you need to do this. But it's a big enough deal that I think you'll want to prepare for any collateral damage beforehand--including possible guilt after their deaths, particularly your father's.
You also might want to consider telling your father that you overheard what your mom said, and ask him if he'd please just not force her onto the phone any more.
I'm sorry you've had to go through this.
Baltimore, Md.:
PLEASE HELP! Here's the not-so-quick and dirty. I'm currently in a three-month relationship with a great girl in New York City. I'm not too crazy about the long-distance aspect, but career concerns necessitate the distance right now. We see each other almost every weekend, and talk each night on the phone for about an hour. So far, so good. Now here's the issue. Girlfriend is in Jamaica for a week for her 30th birthday with three girlfriends. She made these plans before we met, and although she asked me to go with them, I thought it better that she go with her friends and have fun. I didn't want to be a fifth wheel with the girls, yada, yada. Now, in keeping with our "tradition" of talking daily, I've made a call each day to say hi, but each time, I've had to leave a message because she wasn't around. However, she's only called me back once. Now, I'm kinda "p-ssed off." I guess my feelings are hurt, but I also think that it is kinda rude, inconsiderate, etc. I know that your usual advice is that we need to communicate about it, and I will, but I guess my question to you (and the peanut gallery) is -- Am I being too sensitive about this, or is her behavior, especially given the dynamics of our long distance relationship, pretty inconsiderate? I'm beginning to feel like the guy from "Swingers" and that's no fun. In addition, a female perspective on this would be greatly appreciated because maybe it's a "guy vs. girl" thing and I'm just missing it. Thanks.
Carolyn Hax: I'm casting my vote for [way] too sensitive. Or possessive ... why, oh, WHY, are you calling her every day? She's on vacation! with her friends! she's not going to want to spend a half-hour a day stuck in her room on the phone, even with the light of her life. Back off.
I'm hoping this is just a Swingers-y insecurity head rush. You did make the right call by refusing the invitation ... but, then, you also make the distinction that she planned this trip before meeting you. Hm. How would you have felt about this trip if she had planned it -after- she met you? Is an all-girl trip okay only as a preexisting condition?
San Francisco, Calif.:
Hello Carolyn --
I'm writing to you about a new job -- I am in final interviews with an organization where most of my co-workers would be much younger than I am. I am 47 and my (potential) new boss is 27. I remember vividly how hapless and lame older people used to seem to me when I was these kids' age -- now, though, I want to seem "with-it" and relevant, without appearing to be MDL (mutton dressed as lamb) in spirit. Any suggestions on how to relate -- especially to the new bossman -- without appearing an old and silly fool? P.S. We're all gay boys here, in case you need to use a pronoun in your answer. Thanks from a Left Coast Fan
Carolyn Hax: Any time, Lefty. The only advice I have is the only thing that can possibly work here: just, be. The minute you TRY to be something, everyone'll be on to you. You cast it as a youthful-contempt-for-age issue, but I think anyone who's seen the opposite--one young person in a much older office--knows that a young person can make an ass of herself trying to fit in too, either overplaying the youth card or trying to be all serious.
Actually, there are two pieces of advice but this one becomes undoable the minute you try to do it: Don't be so self-conscious. Sorry. Good luck.
Somewhere, USA:
Ha ha ha. For London UK, sounds like she just couldn't handle the rejection. For whatever his reason is, "married," "simply don't want another flirtatious relationship," "glad to have gotten rid of you last time," "came out of the closet," a rejection is a rejection. There's no need to victimize him for rejecting her for the best reason he could come up with. Would she rather he never responded and never gave a reason?
Carolyn Hax: Point taken, but surely there are less ludicrous ways to rebuff a hello-from-a-hundred-years-ago email? Including, in fact, ignoring it, since people have pretty low expectations of a response to a feeler email like that. Haven't we all gotten into--and then quickly, more or less gracefully out of--dozens of past-blasts like that?
Tulsa, Okla.:
Re: Baltimore, Md. -- Holy overreaction, Batman! She's on vacation -- one phone call from you (to wish her a happy birthday) would have been appropriate, two would have been overkill, three makes you "over-possessive scary boyfriend."
Carolyn Hax: And there are a lot of these, Baltman ...
Arlington, Va.:
You're REALYY FAST today! and on a Monday even
Carolyn Hax: New computer! Finally! The screen had to fall off my old laptop before I could bring myself to order one, I am -that- cheap. I apologize for all the pain I have caused.
USA parent problem here:
Thanks, Carolyn. I am still in therapy with the same therapist (I can go whenever I feel a need and she knows my whole background); I haven't seen her since the phone call but have an appointment next week.
As much as I would like to cut ties, I know I won't --- I have an older friend who did that and is now battling about making peace with her mom who just entered a nursing home. I have decided I am never visiting my parents' home again (I actually decided that the last time I visited in June). They can visit me at my place, because they always travel together. I don't want to be alone with her, and she would never travel by herself to see me.
The main problem is the calls -- I get upset when I see the message light flashing because it might be her. I live with one sibling and am moving out soon, I think that would decrease the calls. Since I started living with this sibling, the calls increased -- once to 13 times in a week. When I was in college, she didn't call me once in four years.
I feel like there is something basically wrong with me if my own mom doesn't like me, she likes all my other siblings just fine. And I don't think I can blamed for fights that started when I was 5 and she was 30, though my older sister told me that it was. I bitched to her that it is not a fair fight when one person is a child, and the adult should control themselves (and it's not really a fight, since I didn't fight back. To be honest, it was child abuse.)
The funny thing is I also feel sorry for her -- she seems so miserable. And that's worse than hating her.
Carolyn Hax: Glad about the therapy, since there are some good things to to bat around there, including the cautionary tale of your friend.
But of course it's all really just one Thing--that you still feel that on some level this is -your- failure. I don't know why you would listen to a total stranger about something you've wrestled with your whole life, but on the off chance you do: It just seems SO clear from here that she turned on you for reasons that can be traced directly to some dark part of her mind. The feeling sorry for her, vs. being angry, is dead-on, and I hope you also come to see that that is so much better than hating her. In the end, at least. Sigh.
Live from a really stuffy cubicle:
Wow, I have a very similar story to that first poster. I had a weird friendship with a cooler-than-thou-type guy in college (he was very hot and cold in his "affection"). When I was younger and less confident I put up with his -&%$ -- didn't help that I was totally attracted to him.
So he randomly tracked me down a few weeks ago and sent an "Is this you? If so, what are you up to?" e-mail. I wrote back a short, not-too-serious summary of my past five years. He wrote back a snarky e-mail, apologizing for not having work as meaningful as mine (I in NO way implied that my non-profit job makes me Ms. Altruistic -- clearly he's on the defensive) and concluded with, "Well that's all, just wanted to know what you're doing, talk to you in another five years."
Clearly I have no interest in maintaining any kind of friendship with this jerk. But I am soooooo tempted to write some smartass e-mail back. A la: Um, honey, let's make it 10. Should I let it go?
Carolyn Hax: Yup. Why waste the keystrokes.
Arlington, Va.:
Carolyn,
What a weekend I had. My wife broke a drinking glass on my head. This is the second time she has done something like this. The first time she hit me with her fist. I told her that if she ever did it again, I was leaving. As I said, she did it again and I LEFT! I didn't say a thing, just left.
Now she wants me to come back. She said that she will only go to counseling if I come back. I said, she should go to counseling and I will think about coming back. I am so pissed that I can't go back to her right now. Am I doing the right thing by waiting for her to start counseling and see if she takes it seriously?
Thanks,
11 Stitches
Carolyn Hax: oh that is SO manipulative! Unbelievable, the crap people pull on each other.
Her refusing to go to counseling unless you return is just another cheap threat. The violence against you alone is inexcusable--I can't see why you'd ever go back to her, even if she did get help--but the manipulation on top of it tells me she's a controlling and abusive, not to mention dangerously unstable, person. So, yes, you're doing the right thing by not falling so hard for her BS that you go home to it again, but you need to take it another step, and not wait. This is over, and if she just happens to show up on your doorstep (many years down the road) all healed and counseled and well, -then- you can decide whether to talk to her on the stoop or just gently close the door.
Great aunt, revisited:
Carolyn --
You printed my letter about my deceased aunt's will (thanks), and I just wanted to clarify one thing: I wrote that my dad urged against sharing the gift with the other nieces and nephews. No need to print this anywhere (I assume it's boring to the 'nuts), but I was just simplifying my dad's position to make for a concise letter.
He didn't urge me to do anything or talk me out of anything. He as just pointing out the flip side of the coin. I only say this because my dad's the greatest, and I hate the idea of him looking like a jerk, even anonymously.
Carolyn Hax: Thanks--makes me feel better, too.
Re: The "pig" friend from Sunday's column:
Hi Carolyn,
You implied that the friend shouldn't tell the live-in boyfriend because he wasn't in imminent danger. Any thoughts on STDs and his inability to protect himself against something he doesn't even know could hurt him?
-- Just curious
Carolyn Hax: Yes, lots of thoughts on STDs--which is why I included the imminent-danger stuff.
But I have a real problem with the use of STDs as justification for invading other people's business where it couldn't be justified before. Yes, infidelity puts innocent people at risk of catching something unpleasant, but the third-party observer still is only speculating, and does not belong in the middle. People often argue (I think even I have, at some point) that those who are fairly certain someone is at risk could say to the cheater, "You tell or I will"--but I still see that, in most cases, as crossing over into areas not one's business because there are too many assumptions behind it. E.g., do you -really- know who has what and is sleeping with whom and using what protection and with or without whose knowledge? I'm not saying it isn't ugly. It's ugly. But you've got to know your place.
11 Stitches Here:
Thanks, I just needed to hear from someone else. I have decided not to go back. Actually, I decided last night. I just neede so reassurance.
Carolyn Hax: Good good. No, great, because you came to it all on your own. Keep reading for another back pat:
For 11 Stitches in Arlington, Va.:
Hi Carolyn:
Just wanted to pass along a big "BRAVO" to the guy who left his wife when she broke the wine glass over his head -- first, for getting the hell out of dodge, and second, for being willing to talk about it (even if anonymously) because it's usually so much harder for men to admit it when their wives abuse them.
Get out and stay out. It's EXTREMELY difficult for abusers to "mend their ways" even when they have professional counseling, and it can be dangerous (as you must know only too well, 11 stitches later) for you to stick around and see how it goes. I hope she gets help, and I hope it works. And if she gets help and it works and you are still available when that happens, then many happy returns to you. In the meantime, listen to Carolyn -- she's right.
Carolyn Hax: She hopes she's right. But fleeing violence is never wrong, I don;t think.
McLean, Va.:
HUH? Never go back to her? Are you kidding or over reacting? While I do COMPLETELY agree that it was wrong you just told this guy to get out of a marriage before trying to go to counseling!
There may be some serious underlying issues here.
Carolyn Hax: Would you send a wife with 11 husband-inflicted stitches, from a second violent attack, back to her husband? Please tell me -you're- kidding.
UM, Md.:
For Arlington, Va.: What his wife did was commit a criminal act. He should report it to the police for many reasons. A desire to protect her from the consequences of her act will allow her to continue to get away with actions that are unacceptable. Cour ordered counseling could be one option. She needs help before she hurts him or someone else again. I hope there are no kids involved.
Carolyn Hax: Good point, thanks.
Baltimore, Md.:
Possessive boyfriend here. Man, I got crushed. Does it make any difference that talking every day is just part of our relationship? For instance, there was a two-day period when she couldn't get in touch with me few weeks back and she expressed that it made her worried and that at least I could have done was called and left a message? I just think there is a bit of a double-standard here.
Carolyn Hax: Yeah, you did. Cool that you wrote back though, thanks. What you say does make a little difference, but not much. Regardless of precedent, there was a hint to be gotten in the non-returned calls, and you're defiant about not taking it. Not good.
However, if you;re referring to a double standard with her past possessiveness, then yes, there might be one--which you can take up with her honestly and non-defensively when she gets back. I also think the answer is for you both not to show it, not for you to defend your right to yours ...
Carolyn Hax: Unfortunately, I have to go. There are so many people checking in with their stories of hostile parents that I think i'm going to cry. At least I can reassure anyone in that situation that you're not alone. Anyway. Hang in there, and thanks. Type to you Friday. Perhaps even briskly.
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