Carolyn Hax (The Post)

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Tell Me About It
Hosted by Carolyn Hax
Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, Jan. 25, 2002; Noon EST

Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.

Appearing every Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ฎ offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 30-something repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that’s about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.

The transcript follows.

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Without a Clue: Online please:

One of my guy friends got a girl pregnant and the two had decided to give the baby up for adoption as they are both younger undergraduates. They came to this decision after much thought and counseling. Her parents have since thrown her out of the house, now that she wants to keep the baby and now insists that my friend marry her. I'm afraid that she is in love with this idyllic picture of a family. Missing from the picture would be the loving husband. My friend does not love her but is willing to marry her because "that is the price" he thinks he has to pay (strict sense of warped justice). It tears me apart to see him being manipulated by this girl who knows he'll stay with her, to the point of marriage, if she keeps the baby. The girl has lied about potentially having HIV, having been raped in the last year by another man (my friend and the girl were together then), and a "possible" miscarriage among other things. My friend has never had a girlfriend and grew up very sheltered, and he's certainly not perfect. What is there to do?

Thanks!

Carolyn Hax: yeesh. Not a whole lot you can do, but maybe you can steer the poor bastard to pre-marital counseling--use that strict sense of warped justice to some advantage, and say to him that if this is something he really feels he must do, then he should be prepared do it right. A good program will raise a lot of tough questions and at least challenge her notion that family will solve everything, and his that marrying out of duty is ever a good idea.

Anywho, Anywhere: Carolyn,

A week and half ago my younger brother tried to commit suicide. He spent a week in the hospital and has been discharged. Since his discharge he's been visiting an outpatient facility for therapy and meds. When he got out of the hospital his roomates asked him to comply with the house rule to let someone know where you are going to be and an approximate time when you are going to be back. Which leads me to my hair pulling situation. Yesterday he was supposed to have dinner with me and my husband and never showed. His roomates had no idea where he was and neither did his ex-girlfriend (who he is still good friends with). I found out from the roomates that this disappearing act has not been an unusual occurance and has been driving them up a wall. We all bit our nails until 11 pm when he finally came home and it turned out he had just flaked and totally forgotten about dinner.

Do you, or any of the 'nuts, have any advice on how to help my brother yet maintain my sanity?

Thanks,

Worried but very frustrated sister

Carolyn Hax: Off to a helpless start today, aren't we. wow. I'm sorry for the hell you must be going through.

And I wish I had a great answer for you, but the only one that came to mind is rooted in the kind of fatalism you'd rather not hear right now. But here it is: By caring, you and your brother's friends are doing all you can do for him. By getting therapy and meds, your brother is doing all he can for himself right now. For that, you are extremely fortunate--but you are also, now, to the point where you have to accept that there isn't a direct cause-and-effect link between his checking in with his roommates, for example, and surviving.

Still, a couple of practical changes couldn't hurt--like confirming any plans you have with him a few hours in advance, or buying him a cell phone, etc.

The District: Late 20s girl here who's realized that I say, "I'm sorry" way too often. I used to be completely non-confrontational but over the last ten years I've made an effort to be more assertive. Problem is, I still say "I'm sorry" to cushion the blow. Why do I feel so pulled to those words, to apologizing when I'm really expecting the other person to apologize, and why can't I just keep my trap shut? Help! Thanks.

Carolyn Hax: Seems like nothing more complicated than wanting people to like you, and being afraid they won't if you dare disagree with them.

When if course it's the opposite--people tend to hate having someone be ultra-solicitous of them to the point of not having opinions. Maybe if you think about why that's true, you can break yourself of your habit: People have a hard time trusting someone who never takes a stand. Obviously you have opinions like everyone else, and so when you come across as pro-whoever-you're-talking-to-at-the-time, that must mean you're misrepresenting how you really feel. Meaning, short version, that most of your "I'm sorrys" are lies. So, keep that in mind when you're in apology mode. You might not catch yourself before you say it, but you can always say, "hey, wait a minute, what am I saying, that's not true--I'm NOT sorry," and then explain why. Assertiveness is really just representing yourself honestly, so look at this as assertiveness with training wheels.

New York City, N.Y.: Dear Carolyn,

I've recently encountered a rather odd problem at work. One of my co-workers seems to idolize me. While the ego boost is nice it's becoming a little uncomfortable.

I'm always the first person he comes to with a problem. He says things like, "Oh, J. will know that." He also brings other people's problems to me. He's constantly talking about how he can't do anything right and if he could only be more like me his life would be perfect (how? mine certainly isn't)

It's terribly awkward and I could use some advice on how to deal with this.

Carolyn Hax: Rent "All About Eve" and proceed with -extreme- caution. If you can think of any way to keep this person at arm's length, do it. e.g., respond to some of the questions with an ask so-and-so or I-don't-think-it's-my-place-to-take-on-X's-problem or even a not-now-I'm-working-on-X--whatever is appropriate in a given situation.

I have no forehead -- Thanks for nuttin': Holy Cow Carolyn, your letters from today's dead tree edition about gave me a stroke. I almost killed myself from frustration.

Re: the guy in Korea. A brother of a college buddy went over there, did all the bar girls and such -- did the "big white man feeling superior" thing. Married the girl, brought her home and guess what?

He paid for her to go to college, she got smart -- saw him for what he was -- a total idiot (a total cheating idiot) and got a bundle and the kid in the divorce. Last anyone heard he was seen heading into one of those Waldorf "massage parlors" looking lonely.

Big loser.

Maybe I ought to see if we couldn't get him to write you a letter too. You shouldn't be deprived of the "opportunity."

I don't know what's worse, the letters of today or bridezilla letters. What do you think? (And let me know if you want a letter from my friend's brother).

Carolyn Hax: Beautiful. But I'd rather get a letter from -her.-

Rage, USA: About six months ago, my boyfriend left me. We have managed to stay tight friends and things have been okay. For the first few months, all I felt was super sad. Then, I picked myself up and got on with my life. Now, after six months, seemingly without any kind of "trigger" all I have is this crazy rage toward him. I'm pissed. All the time. Why did this anger lay dormant, and why is it coming out now?

Carolyn Hax: Idunno. Is it over legitimate things that may have been lost in the sadness? I don't think it's unusual at all to go through pronounced, intense and even disturbing phases when you're dealing with something emotional. It;s as if only so much can fit on the screen at once, and so you have to scroll, and damn there can be some interesting stuff waay down at the bottom. Two things I'd do at this point--drop the friendship pretense and give yourself time alone to keep scrolling, and ask yourself whether this rage is rooted in and/or affecting anything else, in which case you'll want to talk to a pro. Couldn't hurt anyway, just to have someone to talk to while you plumb the depths.

Been there: To the sister with the suicidal brother: I was once in the brother's position (about a year ago). When I got out of the hospital, I really needed to feel like I was cocooned -- meaning that I needed for my family to check up on -me-, and I needed for them to help me make sure that I was taking care of myself. It wasn't that I was trying to give up responsibility for myself, it was that I was still in such a bad place that I couldn't focus on taking care of my own needs. I know how frustrated you must be, but please understand that he probably feels tremendously lost right now, and having his family initiate contact, call him, help him get outpatient care, etc. is probably the safety net he needs. When he feels good enough to take care of himself, he'll let you know.

Incidentally, I moved in with my family for a few weeks after my hospital stay. It's probably what kept me sane -- roommates are good, but having your family with you is incredibly comforting. You might want to look into having him stay with you or your other family members for a while.

Carolyn Hax: Mwa, thank you, great post. Glad you;re feeling better.

Maryland -- or maybe not: When can you say "enough is enough"?

I have a family member with depression. I want to help them, I really do. But when I -- or anyone in the family -- makes a suggestion, this person seems very interested, but never follows through.

I'm sick of being expected to sympathize and yield to this family member without expecting them to be held to any standards.

I understand depression is a disease but I'm getting to this point of not even liking the person anymore.

Carolyn Hax: I sypathize, but depression -isn't- likable. It creates people who can be unbearable to be around--sullen, negative, unreliable--not to mention incapable of following through on plans to take a shower, much less get treatment. People close to this can take only so much of it, granted, but I don't think declaring an "enough is enough" is ever the way to go. Much better to inform yourself well about depression, to help you be more effective in suggesting things; to know the limits on what you can do, so you don't get so frustrated that you want to give up; and to give yourself short breaks from it so you don't get dragged down yourself.

Another "I'm sorry" question: Here's another variation on the "I'm sorry" theme:

I often say it to express sympathy -- like when a friend cut her finger the other day -- not necessarily in the sense of an apology. People who don't understand it that way either try to reassure me ("Why are you sorry? It wasn't your fault.") or jump all over me ("You must have really low self-esteem! Get over it!") In cases where I actually care what the person thinks, I explain that I'm expressing sympathy, not regret: if your dog died, I'd say I was sorry, but that doesn't mean I killed it!

So is it me? I'm certainly compassionate, maybe solicitous, but I do have a backbone and my self-esteem is just fine. Should I be constantly on my guard against looking wimpy, or expect the people who matter to understand my intentions?

Carolyn Hax: I'm sorry, I know how you feel.

But if other people fail to distinguish between polite sympathy and an apology, that's not your problem. Though I suppose you could always say as much when you're misunderstood: "That was sympathy, not an apology." Unsnappy comebacks can be gratifying too.

Gaithersburg, Md.: Re: "I'm Sorry..."

Carolyn, I know you didn't imply this, but I'd rather know someone who apologizes too much than doesn't apologize at all.

An old gf used to tell me that apologies were not necessary in life, people should just move on. Hated it when I apologized for stuff I admittedly was wrong about. NEVER ever apologized for anything she ever did that was wrong -- I mean wrong to the level of sleeping with her boss after I really sacrificed and physically moved to be with her.

That's bull. Apologies tell others around you that you (the giver of the apology) understand that there are others in the universe and that you share it and that life isn't only about moi.

If I apologize to you, Carolyn, for doing or saying something wrong -- I'm telling you "Hey, I get it. You can know that this behavior is not something that I'll try to repeat."

Again, I'm pretty certain that you didn't mean to imply that all apologies are bad. But damn, I needed to at least submit this lest the "no apologies" crowd use you as gist for their selfish behavior.

Thanks for listening.

Carolyn Hax: Sher thing. I do hate it when my words get coopted to justify evil, so here it is. Short version--sincerity and humility need each other to be likable.

Suncoast: Okay, Carolyn, you very cleverly coined "bridezilla," so now we need something catchy to describe guys like the ones from your column today -- guys who want a doormat wife. Any ideas from you or the peanuts?

Carolyn Hax: Did I? I thought it was kind of around, like "Birdzilla" after that Thanksgiving episode of "Cheers."

And I'd just call the guy sad.

Around town: Online only, pretty please.

I have a wonderful boyfriend with whom I have begun discussing marriage. I have no emotional evidence that he has any major baggage from his first marriage but there are a few reminders of her around his house that have raised my eyebrows.

For example, on top of a shelf I happened to pass a framed photo of his ex-wife lying face up but flat, and on his bookshelves is one of her old desk plaques with her married name.

I can say with honesty that I believe he is healthy and ready for a new committment to me, but then I wonder if those two items are red flags my love-filled eyes are not seeing clearly.

I know you'll say I should just ask him about it, but it's not my house and I don't want to put him on the defensive. Are there clear signs to know when someone is over an ex?

Thanks.

Carolyn Hax: There are a million signs, for everything, for our intuitions to read in other people. Not noticing that some random stuff of hers is still around the house sounds like a fine one in your case.

Signs that have me thinking you're not ready to marry this guy: You're afraid to ask him a simple, legit question; you're connecting questions with defensiveness (a two-part communication problem, his and yours, most likely); you're looking hard for items and symbolism vs. trusting yourself; you're concentrating on whether -he- is ready and assuming, it seems, that you are; you're using phrases like "love-filled eyes."

Clear sign you're both ready is seing the pic and saying, hey, any reason you still have this here? And he doesn't punish you for it.

Re: Maryland enough is enough: I've been suffering from depression for over 11 years now. If you think it's hard being around someone like that, trying living it. I hate how I act half of the time, and scold myself over it, but it only makes my depression worse. I think it would help if people would acknowledge that it isn't ME who is being all whiney and joke about it or do something other than tip-toe around me and then get frustrated when I'm no fun. If the person knows that you know what is going on, how about some humour.

Carolyn Hax: works for me, thanks.

Somewhere, USA: Anywho Anwhere needs to be careful, however, of permitting too much manipulation and inexcusably rude behavior by bro just because he was suicidal. As one who knows, I can say that there is a line between caring for someone and letting them walk all over you. Mental illness is real and awful, but some true glassbowls are mentally ill and when that illness is dealt with, they are sitll glassbowls. I and family were manipulated for years because a relative played on our fears of his committing suicide (he had attempted once). We fianlly realized we weren't helping him or ourselves with that path.

Carolyn Hax: Bummer, but true true true. Thanks.

What to call the throwback?: How about GorillaGuy?

washingtonpost.com: How about Wank? -- Lisa.

Carolyn Hax: How about Some Other Woman's Problem?

Fluffy Question -- Literally: Hello -- I am looking for some practical advice. I have a wonderful 1-year-old daughter who is a real cutie-pie. Well-meaning friends and family members often bring stuffed animals as a small gift for her when they come over. While I appreciate the sentiment, these stuffed animals are now flowing over and we are running out of room for them. To make it worse, she doesn't really play with them at all. How do I go about asking these well-meaning people to stop bringing them and institute a "no stuffed animal" policy without offending anyone?! If they want to give her something, I'd actually prefer that they contribute to her college fund but it certainly seems tacky to do that (although it would serve my daughter better). Am I being ungrateful for having caring friends/family?

Thanks!

Carolyn Hax: For every new one you get, clean up and donate some old ones.

Fairfax, Va.: Carolyn,

I just don't know where to start. I am mentally and physically exhausted. I am married and have a 2-year-old son. I work two jobs in order for my wife to stay at home with our son. My free time is next to nothing and the free time I do have is spent doing things around the house. I only get to spend a few hours a day with my family. My wife gets upset and frustrated that things don't get done around the house. I just do not have the motivation to get things done because I am so tired. I just don't see any end to this in sight and I am sure that my wife will want to have another child soon. Sometimes I just can't stand the thought of going to work or going home. I love my family very much but I just can't figure out how or when things will get better. Do you have any suggestions? I am also open to suggestions from the nut gallery.

Thanks, from an exhausted father.

Carolyn Hax: Marriage counseling. Don;t screw around with the happiness of your kid's parents.

Could be anywhere: Hi Carolyn. A friend of mine and her husband are trying to get pregnant. She's had some gynecological problems in the past, so it's most likely not going to be easy if even possible. While I do sympathize, I'm starting to get a little tired of hearing about it and a little less sympathetic every time it's brought up. The thing that irks me is that they've been trying for a month, and she told me today that she doesn't think she can emotionally handle it anymore. (Um, did I mention it's only been a -month-?) While I've never been there, I can imagine dealing with infertility has to be tough, but this is too much. It takes the average couple up to a year to conceive, so this whole thing is starting to smack of melodrama. I'm guessing you'll probably tell me to use some form of the "you're not fat, you're boring" line, but I'm just not good at being that blunt. (Or you'll tell me to stop being an insensitive jerk and to be a better friend!) Plus, I really don't want to hurt her feelings since she's pretty worked up about this whole thing as it is anyway. I've suggested she talk to her doctor about the emotional side of this, but I'm starting to wonder if she'd prefer to moan about it. Before I get totally annoyed and say something snappish I'll regret, do you have any advice?

Carolyn Hax: Really? You think I'd fire off an "insensitive jerk" for this? I hope I'm not -that- trigger happy.

But enough about me, and what you think of me.

If you can't do blunt, at LEAST do some funny honest. "On average these things take a year, so 13 months is my sympathy threshold." Taking her whinings seriously is the trap you don't want to fall into.

Re: Extra Stuffed Animals: Donate them to your local police department. They give them to children who have to be taken out of their homes because of domestic violences situations. The children really appreciate and find comfort in them during times of crisis.

Carolyn Hax: I think I'm going to cry.

Philly, Pa.: From one new dad to another:

I hear ya bro. I work a lot of overtime at my job and sometimes, I dread coming home because my wife's been so busy with making sure baby is OK (long story). How I deal: Made an agreement with the wife that basically says I'll do the errands when I can as long as she doesn't bug me about it.

Goes a long way in preserving domestic peace.

Carolyn Hax: Sounds good, though agreeing is so much more important than the agreement itself.

West Coast: What kind of card/letter/gift/other do you send to a co-worker who is sick and expects it to be terminal? It's not a friend, but a valued co-worker.

Carolyn Hax: Something upbeat to do or read sounds right--maybe a good comic novel. It's another thought-that-counts situation, truly.

Reston, Va: That's it! Enough of the "bang the head against the wall until it feels better" questions!

Is it ever inappropriate to wear fuzzy bunny slippers?

Carolyn Hax: They're overkill with fuzzy bunny pants.

New York City, N.Y.: My best friend is in love with another good friend of mine. Recently though, she has expressed a interest in me, and rejcted him. We have been spending a lot of time together lately. Last night, I wrote a very personal e-mail to this girl. Then I accidently e-mailed it to my best friend. How should I defuse this one? Should I lay the BS on thick?

Carolyn Hax: Never. Admit you screwed up, then let time or whatever else fix it.

1:30! My lands. I think I'll go. Thanks, and happy weekend.

washingtonpost.com:

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