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Tell Me About It
Hosted by Carolyn
Hax
Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, Jan. 18, 2002; Noon EST
Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.
Appearing every Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ฎ offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 30-something repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and thats about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.
The transcript follows.
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Williamsburg. Va:
Dear Carolyn,
I am a college freshman living in a dorm. My roommate is a super-sweet junior who told me to feel free to use any of her stuff whenever I need to. That's great, but the problem comes when other friends in the building stop by when she's not around and ask to borrow her things. I don't feel comfortable lending out things that don't belong to me. But on the other hand, since the things aren't mine, I don't feel it's my place to tell people no, either. People often come in and say they have already cleared it with my roommate, but of course I have no way of verifying that. If I refused them, it would sound like I was inappropriately lording over my roommate's things. But if I allow them to take something and it turns up missing or broken, I would feel just terrible. How much responsibility do I have for keeping up with her things?
Carolyn Hax: Just ask her what she'd like you to do in that situation. So many problems aren't problems if you just say something--especially with someone so mellow. (you lucky frosh you.)
this is probably going to date me (35, OKAY?), but--since when are freshmen housed ith juniors? am i strange to think that's strange?
Boston, Mass.:
Carolyn,
I have a plan but want to check for your thoughts. I've started dating someone recently and things are going well. We have lots in common. But a problem is emerging. I've got a serious allergy to animal dander, have just started a program of allergy shots to help with my sinus infections, etc. My new friend has cats and I'm finding myself looking for ways to stay out of her house. I plan to have an open discussion about it soon, saying it's my allergy, my sensitivity to the dander all over the place. Any ideas on how to keep animals from coming between what seems to be a promising relationship? Thanks.
Carolyn Hax: See above. SPEAK, people, SPEAK.
College Park, Md.:
Hi Carolyn. Don't let this blow your mind. I'm a 22-year-old male who has decided to abstain from sex until marriage for a number of reasons, some personal, some religious (fire away). Anyway, I've been dating this girl for a few months. From the beginning I've been completely honest with her about my decision; I haven't led her on. Back then she said she understood and admired my resolve. Four months later: Now she's applying mega-pressure to get me into bed. Specifically, she's told me in no uncertain terms that without sex there is no relationship, we are nothing more than "good friends." I like this girl alot and could one day see myself possibly getting married to her (after college of course) but I'm concerned about the fact that she feels she needs sex to validate a relationship. Your thoughts?
Carolyn Hax: Nope, not with my mind all over the ceiling.
eeeeeeew.
If you are comfortable and consistent and honest (with yourself and others) in your decision, clap clap clap, good for you. Why would I "fire away" at that? The only "right" way to handle sex is the one that feels right to you emotionally, intellectually, physically.
I might have at your assumption that she "feels she needs sex to validate a relationship," because there could be a lot of things driving her ... drive. Not that I condone it; you were clear about the terms, and she accepted them when she accepted you. But there could be something else that has her questioning the more-than-friendship--say, you're holding back in other ways, too. That can have a way of sending an SO's insecurities through the roof, and if she doesn't have the nerve/maturity/presence of mind to discuss her sense of isolation with you*, then she might channel it all into the sex thing.
So, you guys need to talk.*
*Theme day!
Washington, D.C.:
My boyfriend has been very busy at work and working tons of hours. And during the week I feel like I never see him. Because when he gets home he never wants to hang out. I can understand that. Because he wants to unwind. Although I feel like this is not a relationship. And I only see him just on the weekends. Maybe I am acting selfish. But if you are in a realationship you have to balance things. I am a grad student and I work 40 hours a week and I have lots of work also. I just feel like you have to give your whole self, not just a half a cup. Or maybe I should give up.
Carolyn Hax: Or maybe he is giving his whole self, and he just gives it in a way different from yours. You unwind by spending time with your boyfriend; he unwinds by spending time alone. So maybe you accept his need for alone time and that he'll disappear when his work life gets busy--or, you decide you aren't compatible and you find someone for whom you are the end-of-the-workday reward. Either of these will work a whole lot better than trying to change him from the way he is now to the way you want him to be/think he should be. That's a loser every time.
Somewhere, Some State:
Carolyn,
On Monday you answered a question written by a husband whose wife was not interested in sex. You told him to talk to her about it. What would you say to a similar situation, but where the couple is in their 20s, the husband is the one who won't have sex, and the reason is a known medical issue? My husband can't have sex due to side effects from a medication he's on. After four years, he finally mentioned it to his doctor who told him that all meds in that category have that side effect and that he'd need to go on the ever-so-popular Viagara. He tried it once, said it made him feel hung-over (though it worked), and refuses to use it again. For the past six months, he's keeps cancelling his doctor appointments, saying he's too busy. Whenever I try to talk to him about it (very gently) he blows up saying he's suffering more than I am. The man who wrote you on Monday says he and his wife are intimate an average of six times a year. My husband and I are intimate about once a year (for the past three years, and four or five times a year the first year he was on the meds). I sometimes feel I'm being selfish for wanting him to do something about this problem, but other times I feel that since this is a need only he can fulfill, he needs to do something about it. What do you think -- do I have a right to keep asking him to try? Any suggestions that might help him to see a doctor? I've already brought up the aspect of this hurting our chances of naturally conceiving. And he does want kids. -sigh-
Carolyn Hax: Sounds as if you've reached critical defensiveness-mass, which means it's counseling time, which means he'll probably refuse to get counseling--which is the sure sign that your communication lines have broken down badly enough to necessitate counseling. Having fun yet?
So, you go. You're feeling, rightly, that he's letting his hangups take precedence over your needs--and I'm sure he's feeling, rightly, that he's being pressured to face something he'd rather just leave alone. He can't, though, not in a marriage, he doesn't have that right. Unfortunately, all you can do is get third-party suggestions on how to talk to him better,* and hope that'll suffice.
*I'll stop, I promise.
Washington, D.C.:
Loved the line in today's column, (paraphrase) you aren't fat you're boring. Mind if I use the variation, you aren't unlovable, you're boring, when my friends start whining about how they aren't dating/married?
Carolyn Hax: Please do!
Somewhere in Virginia:
How do you learn to lower your expectations and understand that your spouse is not perfect? I know it in the abstract, but it falls apart on a day-to-day basis. I wanna be mellow and focus on the good qualities, not the annoying ones. Any tips?
Carolyn Hax: Back up a little, like you're in a museum and looking at a painting. What's the whole picture like with your life--are you active enough, engaged enough, laughing enough, working toward enough, reading thinking trying? It's hard not to obsess about little home things when you;re bored out of your mind--and it's hard to notice them when you're out running with the bulls. yknow?
Southern California:
Hey Carolyn, welcome to 35! I just passed that milestone myself, and was wondering if you thought it was bizarre that I have no intrest in relationships, men or sex any more. Do you see happy spinsterdom as a new trend or do you think I need to seek the dreaded...counseling?
Carolyn Hax: If you can put a "happy" before it, it's probably not something you need counseling for. The exception of course being "happy cannibalism."
Newton, Mass.:
Carolyn,
Valentine's Day is fast approaching, and my wife has let me know that she expects an appropriate gift -- something meaningfull that says something about "us," and bought sufficiently in advance so it's clearly not a last-minute gift. I'm beginning to hate this part of the year -- from December through May -- there's her birthday, Christmas, Valentine's, Mothers Day and our anniversity, and there has to be a perfect, innovative gift each time. Needless to say my success ratio is rather poor, and judging from the ads pitched to guys, not unusual.
So what do you look for in a Valentine's gift?
Carolyn Hax: How about, a lovely, long-overdue, 2-carat conversation?*
TELL HER you feel pressured and inadequate and you now dread fully half of each year. Ask her if she'll please let you show your love in a way that comes naturally to you, because isn't that the greatest gift any of us can give each other?
You know. Really lay it on.
*Okay I lied about dropping it.
Washington, D.C.:
To the woman whose boyfriend works too much. Many years ago, I had the same concern about my boyfriend. He worked hard, wanted alone time, and so we did not go out much during the week. I worried that maybe he was not into the relationship, but over time I learned that he simply prefered to be with me at times when he could give me his full attention. We've been married nearly eight years, and he still organizes his life in much the same way. Once I learned to understand him, I could easily accept it.
Carolyn Hax: That's so sane I'm choking up.
Anywhere, USA:
Hi Carolyn --
Love the chats.
Question: How does one deal with a friend whose negativity and toxicity often seem to poison the atmosphere wherever she is? Her first response to anything is to denigrate them, she berates her husband in front of the collective group of friends, her judgments are fierce and intimidating.
Any suggestions on how to handle someone like that?
Thank you very much.
Carolyn Hax: With Called ID.
The Weight Issue:
I disagree with your answer to the second letter in today's column, as far as whether or not his comment was appropriate.
The impetus for two significant life changes for me came about BECAUSE an significant person (not necessarily the same one each time) in my life finally made a comment directly relating to my complaining (whining) about a situation in my life. I got pretty mad, too, at first, and because it was the first time someone finally hit the issue head-on. You know, screw tact sometimes. I'd already had tons and tons of sympathetic, empathetic, "tactful" responses -- just fed my inaction.
Hooray for the person who finally said, "you know, if "A" bothers you so much that you have to continually whine about it, DO something about it!" Works for weight, works for bad jobs, works for a lot of ruts.
I'm sure you'll tell me I'm wrong.
Carolyn Hax: Yup, you're wrong--to think we disagree. I said in my answer that his mistake was in trying too hard to be tactful, and that he should just tell the truth that her complaining is the problem, which sounds a lot like what you're saying.
Virginia:
Dear Carolyn,
I am going to South Carolina next month for a wedding, and I asked a friend if she wanted to share a hotel room with me. She and I and the bride were college roomates and quite close, so I never, not for one millisecond, stopped to consider that she might not have been invited to the wedding. She wasn't. I am mortified. Whose butt do I kiss first to try to make things right?
Carolyn Hax: Why would butts (ew) be involved at all? Innocent mistake, so, sincere apology and out. Anything more means either you're overdoing it, or someone's being pissier about it than necessary.
East Coast:
Carolyn,
Do you think it's really possible for people to change? Aren't we all wired a certain way that can't be fixed? I'm 28 and a shy introvert who prefers to stay at home on a Friday night. But I'd LIKE to be more outgoing and fun -- I just can't figure out how to do it, and whether or not I even can. I've tried, and frankly, I prefer the couch. How does one go about changing themselves, and knowing when they should?
Carolyn Hax: The "when" part is easy--you say you -want- to be more outgoing, so, there you go. The "how" is by starting small and obvious--you call someone you'd like to see and you make plans for Friday. Then you see whether you enjoy yourself when you get there.
The "whether" is the gray answer. I think for a lot of loners and shy people, the hard part is getting motivated enough to get out there, and after that they have fun. If you're this way, then, yeah, I think you can change, just by recognizing in yourself that you need an extra (but worthwhile) shove to get out. But if you go out and spend the whole time craving your couch, then maybe you can't/shouldn't change. It's a matter of feeling around for what's good for you and what isn't, and then having the discipline to work for the good things.
San Francisco, Calif.:
Hi Carolyn,
My good friend and his girlfriend are slovenly, or beyond. Their house is filthy -- dog hair, dog pee, B.O., mice. He picks his shoes off the sidewalk (no laces), wears the same dirty shirt a week in a row, doesn't use deodorant. "She likes me as I am," he says."
Fine. But friends and relatives worry about when they have babies, which they want to do soon. And nobody ever wants to go to their home, even for an hour.
I don't want to piss him off, or her, but is it appropriate to explain how we feel? And is there a chance this might be a sign of bigger mental problems?
Carolyn Hax: Perfect to end with since it touches on two themes: ew, and TALK to these people.
EW.
There's no baby yet so they're entitled to live as they please, and I'd rather not speculate as to possible mental problems--but it seems to me that if you combine the extent of the filth and the use of "good" before "friend," you have grounds to say to the guy when he invites you, "No WAY, your house is disgusting, I'm not coming over." (Yes, my friends are so glad to know me.) Or even, "Your dogs pee in the house, and you want a -baby- in there?" Whatever you feel a responsible friend would be obligated to say.
Those other-people questions are so tough, there's always a limit to what you can do.
And a limit to what I can do: That's it, time to go. Thanks, happy weekend and type to you next Friday--Live Online is closed Monday for the MLK holiday.
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