Joel Achenbach

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Rough Draft Live
With Joel Achenbach
Washington Post Staff Writer
Wednesday, March 28, 2001; 2 p.m. EST

Are you a fan of Rough Draft? Did you dig Joel Achenbach's coverage of the campaign and the Florida recount? Well now it's a book: "It Looks Like a President, Only Smaller." Joel has combed through his archive for his best political writing, reworked it, added material, interspersed new observations and come up with the funniest account of what actually happened last year. He stood in freezing rallies in New Hampshire and those steamy recount rooms in Florida where the word "chad" became a dirty word -- and he's a lot funnier than either George Will or Sam Donaldson.

Achenbach, author of Rough Draft, thinks you'll really like the book. Really. He was online Wednesday, March 28.

The transcript follows.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

Joel Achenbach: Greetings, friends and comrades! I'm sitting here with Brian Smith, a student at American University who is trying to find out what it's like to be a journalist at a major metropolitan newspaper. He has learned that it's very much like being a typist.
I'm eager to take your questions today, about the new Rough Draft book, or about the Kennedy assassination conspiracy theorizing, or about dodging bullets in school, or about my new favorite topic, Fear of Food.
So whaddaya say.

Washington, D.C.: If I say I BOUGHT your book and it's REALLY ENTERTAINING will you maybe answer why at times you sound like a sensitive, serious social commentator trapped inside the body of an irreverent humor columnist? Seriously, you've got a wistful quality to some of our writing that would translate well into a book about the disappearing rural America.

Joel Achenbach: And trapped inside the sensitive, serious social commentator is a ninny. See, it's like those Russian dolls. You can never get to the very innermost entity. I think somewhere near the core is a hardbitten newspaper reporter wearing green eyeshades. I hope.

Herndon, Va.: Hey Joel!

Aren't you worried about upsetting the Shrub and the rest of his little greenhouse of horrors with with the publication of your new book? If I recall there weren't a lot of warm, fuzzy Bush comments present in those pearls of wisdom on the election.

Joel Achenbach: The book isn't that nice to Dubya, but I hope it's not mean, either. I'm sure that it won't be on his radar. I mean, this is a paperback, it's very harmless, and the Bush character on the cover even looks like a nice guy. Also I don't think he reads books.
(Did that sound mean?)

Alexandria, Va.: In your column today, you say "Whatever you do, I urge you to be on guard against disinformation. Ask yourself: How solid is this evidence? Are there other explanations? What is this person's agenda?" It seems, although you never say it, as though you think those questions need to be asked of the recent Grassy Knoll report, and the implication is that that report would be found lacking. What agenda would Thomas have? (For that matter, how are we, the average conspiracy buffs of the world, to judge how solid the evidence is? 96.3 is a large number, and we can't be expected to go read Science and Justice; isn't it the responsibility of journalists such as yourself to tell us what is solid and what isn't?)

Joel Achenbach: I was hoping we'd link to the Science and Justice piece. Haven't looked at the column yet online to see if we did. But it's on the Web. You can look for yourself. My feeling is that it's a single line of evidence -- that even if the analysis is good, it's a very thin platform upon which to build a strong conclusion about a second gunperson.

Joel Achenbach: The student is now on the prowl in the newsroom, looking for information and guidance. He may never be seen alive again.

Los Angeles, Calif.: Do you think anyone really cares one way or the other whether the Kennedy assasination was a conspiracy, or how deep it really goes?

Joel Achenbach: Of course people care, and they should, but personally I think the most plausible explanation is still the mundane one -- wacko takes shot at president.

Collegeville, Pa.: Joel,

I received my copy of the book on Monday, and finished it last night. It was great work, and did a fantastic job of telling the whole election-year story one day at a time! Its probably the only book about this past election that will spend so much time on Bradley, or even McCain; everyone else is likely tied up in what happened from 1 November on. Thanks! And if nothing else I'm using it as a recruitment tool to get more "Rough Draft" readers for you!

If I might ask a serious question (don't worry, its not THAT serious), what's your take on campaign finance reform? I read a column of George Will's the other day, and he pointed out that one of the most frequent targets of corruption allegations would be the NRA. "The National Rifle Association had contributed $8.4 million to congressional campaigns." He then points out that that was two-tenths of one percent of the amount spent in congressional campaigns. I used to think that campaign finance reform was vital, that perhaps maybe our legislators WERE being corrupted and influenced. But isn't it possible that the bigger the campaigns get and the more money that goes into them, the lower the likelihood that any one candidate can be "bought"?

Keep up the great work!
Josh Weikert

Joel Achenbach: Josh, thanks much for the words on the book. I'll be honest, I haven't spent much time reporting on campaign finance reform, so for an intelligent answer you'll have to ask one of our many highly intelligent national desk reporters that go online. I will say that there is ZERO reason to think that campaign finance reform will work long-term. Money has ways of moving around obstacles. it's a law of physics.

Orlando, Fla.: Joel,

Your article was in very bad taste! How did it ever make it beyond the editor?

Bob Rogers

Joel Achenbach: Which one? Most of them are.

Springfield, Va.: Joel, why did you leave out the important and vital link that Marilyn Monroe played in this conspiracy? You are part of the problem, along with your slave masters, Katie Graham and the allegedly retired Ben Bradlee. Not to mention the allegedly deceased Cord Meyer.

Joel Achenbach: The student just left. Nice guy! Why's he want to go into journalism?
Yes I should have put in the Mary Meyer-Cord Meyer angle. What an oversight!

Buffalo, N.Y.: Hello Joel,

I am eating my lunch and reading today's column, JFK II. I am jealous that you get to go wild in The Washington Post. I have to deal with editors (freelance only) at the Buffalo News who would only print a piece like this if I cleaned up the toxic waste dump in their back yard.

My tuna sandwich and salad await. I'll be looking for your column. Paula.

washingtonpost.com: JFK II: What Really Happened

Joel Achenbach: The secret of the Internet is that there aren't a great many layers between conception and publication. This can be a strength or a weakness. Its a philosophical matter no one has adequately resolved. Is journalism better unfiltered. You decide...

New York, N.Y.: Hey Joel --

You've written a handsome looking book. Who are those guys on the cover? So I heard you once asked Clinton what was in his pockets, and that was before Monica -- is that true? I also heard it's not Ach in Bake, it's Franken Steen (sorry Mel).

Joel Achenbach: It Looks Like a Book Only Smaller. Thats what i keep thinking.

Louisville, Ky.: Your column Monday about teaching kids to dodge bullets reminded me of a classic scene from my favorite spy movie -- "The In-Laws." Upon disembarking from the plane in some banana republic, Peter Falk and Alan Arkin come under fire, whereupon Arkin asks Falk what to do. "Serpentine! Serpentine!" comes the reply, initiating a manic round of weaving across the tarmac. Maybe it could be incorporated into an instructional video.

Joel Achenbach: Whatever happened to kids just dipping someone's pigtails in an inkwell.
Oh wait is that not taking the problem seriously enough? I've gotten some flak about that -- there are allegations of flippancy in the Rough Draft pod.

St. Louis, Mo.: How did you get such a wonderful job? The ideal job for any imaginative journalist would be one in which he could fluff his opinions with lots of humor and novelty. Any advice for aspiring "wacky" journalists?

Joel Achenbach: NEVER use the word "wacky" or "zany."
I am not wacky.
I am not zany.
I am not goofy.
I am not quirky.
I may be suffering from a disorder that will require the intervention of friends and family and a long vacation in a sunny resort, BUT...dont call me wacky.

Arlington, Va.: So why does washingtonpost.com let you shamelessly advertise your book on their time and money? Did you threaten to quit or something?

Joel Achenbach: That's a fair question. I think the general rule has been that when a reporter puts out a book, he or she can discuss it once in a live online discussion -- and after all, the book is a collection of the material that appeared originally at washingtonpost.com, the readers presumably have some interest in this, no one is forcing them to participate. The Post also gets a cut of the money, trivial though it is in this case. But there is some shame involved. It's not shameless.

Middletown, Md.: Hi Joel, I enjoyed the latest column very much. I found it interesting that CARP found the connection to the Friends of the National Zoo. In my own Kennedy conspiracy research, I found evidence that the sounds on the tape were actually those of a howler monkey, employed to keep sound specialists and forensic scientists from finding the real shooter under the manhole cover. Any comment?

Joel Achenbach: I am just glad i had the chance to blow the lid off the FONZ involvement in our nation's darkest hour.

Alexandria, Va.: Any thoughts on the recent Harry Potter controversy? The Post article paints the Other Author as something of a loon. (What about the stories that Heller stole the plot of Catch-22? At what point does a work of fiction resemble another work of fiction too much to be considered its own work?)

washingtonpost.com: Nancy Stouffer was online today with us.

Joel Achenbach: Catch-22 had no plot. It was a collage, really. The Yossarian plot -- he wanted out of the army by pretending to be crazy, but this only proved that he was sane -- was secondary to the overall jazzy feel of the thing. All those minor characters. The dark humor. You can't steal something like that.

Silver Spring, Md.: Since WHEN does money buy elections -- what nonsense! Money cannot pull the lever in an election booth or check off a name on a ballot -- only a human being can do that. Money is money. Votes are votes. One cannot control the other. How ridiculous -- it is hard to imagine that people actually believe this drivel. McCain is making a fool of himself.

Joel Achenbach: Thank you for joining us, Senator McConnell.

Washington, D.C.: Is it possible that the real threat of Internet journalism comes not from people like you, who cut their teeth on the police blotter and remember why a newspaper is called a news "paper" but from the next generation of reporters who may go straight to the Web and never get indoctrinated in all the temple secrets?

That made no sense, but it was supposed to be a serious question.

Joel Achenbach: Yes, and I should have told Brian that he needs to spend at least 7 years covering zoning hearings and staying up until midnight while small-town councilpersons argue over who gets their picture on the wall of City Hall. They all want to go straight to the New Yorker right out of college and then direct a movie based on the novel they wrote in high school. WHATEVER HAPPENED TO PAYING DUES. Although this guy was nice. Someday I'll probably work for him.

Arlington, Va.: So where were you on Nov. 22, 1963?

Joel Achenbach: Highchair?

Washington, D.C., not a state: Joel,

I am curious about what you found to be the MOST unusual moment during the time you spent on the campaign trail. Yes we were intrigued by eye makeup and dangling chads, but a news hound like you MUST know some juicy tidbit that is to crazy to believe.

Joel Achenbach: For me the best moment was when I found a chad underneath the desk where they were counting ballots in Broward county. I have that chad still. It's my souvenir. The reason it was all amazing was that this was 12 days after the election, no one knew WHAT was going to happen, we had no idea what the basic rules were of such a recount, no one was in charge, all these minor public officials were suddenly global stars, etc....It was, for me, a better story than any i'd covered: way better than OJ or Impeachment, which were sordid and soul-killing.

Chicago, Ill.: Which in your view was more completely sinister, Clinton in 1991 and 1992 campaigning for president, giving interviews to the likes of "Tikkun" on the politics of meaning and communitarianism, and then moving waaaaaayyyyy to the right after the health care fiasco? Or George W. campaigning in 1999 and 2000 as a compassionate, Spanish speaking regular guy who likes to surround himself with women and people of color, and then moving waaayyyyy to the right after stealing the election, and in fact reversing virtually every social, economic and health-related gain from the past 40 years that he possibly could? Or is it too close to call?

Joel Achenbach: I miss The Politics of Meaning!
On Bush, I'll admit I'm surprised at some of his moves -- he really is a conservative Republican! Who'd a thunk it. On the environment, he doesn't even PRETEND to care about it. That's my impression. Won't even bother to fake it.

Peoria, Ill.: Reading your column on school shootings reinforces my view that people will go to outrageous lengths to eliminate a threat that simply cannot be eliminated. Police in schools are not a cure-all. In the first of the two recent San Diego shootings, there was an officer at the school, and the kid still had plenty of time to shoot 13 people before the cop stopped him. Metal detectors wouldn't have stopped the second shooter, who just got out of his car and shot people from the street. Gun control is nice in theory, but we've been fighting a drug war for decades, and yet the drug trade still thrives. What makes anyone think we're any more likely to stop the trade in guns? Being alive means you're at risk of dying. Period. Risk can be minimized, but not eliminated.

Joel Achenbach: Well, are you saying that no gun control effort would have any effect? Why does America have so much gun violence compared to other developed nations -- and does it have nothing to do with the abundance of cheap handguns? I agree with you though on your basic point: You cant eliminate risk. Moreover, the point of that column was not that guns ARENT a problem, or that shootings are not worth thinking about, but rather that there is a much more pervasive, less sensational problem, of alienation and boredom -- which leads, of course, to drugs, violence, despair, etc.

Joel Achenbach: That student will someday fire me because I only gave him 30 minutes and then turned my back on him.

Joel Achenbach: He will assign me to the Nome bureau.

San Francisco, Calif.: I am reading "Fast Food Nation" and it is frightening, and yet confirms what has been impossible not to suspect -- the corporatization of the U.S. is nearly finished. The vast majority of all business is now that of giant corporations, franchizes, chains, mega-stores. The land has become a giant, homogenized mall. And it is not just physically unappealing, but is deep in the culture. It would make a great book. I loved Captured by Aliens and have ordered your newest book too. Thanks for all your great writing!

Juliet

washingtonpost.com: Joel got mad last time I posted the link to the discussion with the author of "Fast Food Nation," but when we're all done here, you can find it in our archives. -- Lisa.

Joel Achenbach: Juliet, thank you for the nice words, and yes, your summary of Fast Food Nation is quite right. It shouldn't shock us, but it does. The whole society is like a machine now...It's Fritz Lang's Metropolis...It's Brave New World...It's hard to buy a steak at the grocery store now and not think ofthe working conditions in those slaughterhouses.
Oh, and Lisa, go ahead and put links to more interesting live online chats -- NOTHING CAN DISTURB MY INNER PEACE.

Ithaca, N.Y.: Wow Joel,

You really [insert cliche here] with the column about the bullet-dodging expert. I didn't catch the show, but just reading about that makes me want to walk in a straight line through the nearest high school. Unreal. We can't judge an entire culture by who gets on morning talk shows, but this really takes sensationalism to new heights, don't you think?

Is there a way to restore sanity? My feeling is that a 2x4 to the rear end of the next person who suggests zig zagging in hallways. Or maybe we should just go all out. Everyone should walk down every hallway at random angles. That'd show him.

Joel Achenbach: Let's not advocate violence with tuber-fours against morning show guests. Not our style here. BUT...good idea on zig-zagging -- everyone do the silly walk all the time! Not just when the bullets fly.

Nowhere, Wyo.: I am a Democrat and would like to run for public office. Unfortunately, I like to wear cowboy hats. Is the Democratic cowboy a dying breed?

Joel Achenbach: Doesn't Jim Hightower wear cowboy hats? But he's probably not a democrat, either -- he's a couple of parking spaces to the left.
The important thing is that you not wear any fur.

An uncharted desert island: For the rest of your life: Ginger or Mary Ann?

Joel Achenbach: The Professor. Obviously.

Bethesda, Md.: I enjoy your writing. Aren't you and your dad from Milwaukee in another life? Did you go to Marquette?

Joel Achenbach: MARQUETTE???????????
I am so offended.

Waldorf, Md.: Hi Joel,

Two conspiracy theories were dusted off recently. The JFK assassination and the moon landing(s). On the first, I think the whole thing polarized the country so much that it is impossible for anyone over about 45 to have be unbiased about it. About how old do you think D.B. Thomas is. do you think they may finally have something figured out now?

On the moon landings, I thought the TV show the other night (I could only watch for a short time) that purported to show that the moon landings were faked was more fantastic than the actual achievement of putting a man on the moon. It would seem to me that way too many people would have had to keep quiet. Also, I was in school during the early space program (late '50s to early '70s), I never heard of the "astronaut" they had on the show. What do you think of this theory that our space success was really "Capricorn One"?

Joel Achenbach: I think NASA should get behind this theory that the moon landings were fakes the first time, because then it could get funding to go to the moon FOR REAL.
Think of the billions...and billions...of dollars.
Don't know D.B. Thomas. But i do think that mr. billions-and-billions himself, carl sagan, had it right when he said that extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence. And i'm not sure any analysis of an old tape recording, matched with the echo effect of a test shot at dealey plaza, quite adds up to proof of a conspiracy.

University Park, Pa.: Joel,

Was that you that I heard on NPR the other day as a guest commentator during Morning Edition?

Joel Achenbach: Yes. On NPR I go by the name "Noah Adams." This is so my bosses don't know I'm moonlighting.

Vienna, Va.: Instead of making a snide comment about Sen. Mcconnell, you should have listened to the comment from Silver Spring that money cannot settle elections -- only votes can. He hit the nail on the head.

Joel Achenbach: I read the comment. It seemed smart. That's why I posted it -- unlike some of the stuff that comes into the queu here. What else you want?

Joel Achenbach: Marquette. Un-be-lievable.

Alexandria, Va.: So where has PETA been during all this mad cow and foot-and-mouth disease business? Why aren't they out there protesting the mass slaughter of innocent, healthy animals on the off-chance they might catch a disease that doesn't harm humans, doesn't even kill the animal, but simply renders less profit to Agribusness? No one has so much as chained themselves to a pig, much less passed out foot-and-mouth vaccine to members of Congress (or members of Parliament). PETA is fast enough to protest other animal rights matters.

Of course, if no one ate meat or wore leather, most of those animals would have been replaced by housing developments long ago.

Joel Achenbach: There are a lot of vectors in that question -- i mean, i'm not quite sure how an increase in vegetarianism would lead to urban sprawl -- but thank you for joining the discussion.

Hollywood, Calif.: So, do you like films about gladiators?

Joel Achenbach: I watch them for fashion tips, yes.

Washington, D.C.: Gun control? Isn't there a law forbidding any handgun in D.C.? When I was living in SE, I found that you couldn't stop people from obtaining guns.

Joel Achenbach: Hey, let's have a big debate about gun control!
For the record, it would seem to me that there would be some connection between the manufacture of cheap handguns and their use in crimes. How many people hunt with a saturday night special?

Joel Achenbach: Oh no. Lisa is from Milwaukee. I love Milwaukee! Especially the kringles and the brats!

D.C. Cube: Since I can never get a response from Richard White, the Washington Area Metro Manager, on these Washingtonpost discussions, I thought you could stand in for him yourself.

Dear Metro Transit Authority General Mangager, for purposes of simple socializing, could Metro post signs that would request "people who wish to stand on escalators stay to the right and let walkers pass on the left." Your reluctance to answer this question in the last three online appearances is puzzling. Similar etiquette exists for London's Tube, and I believe, most other European underground systems. There is much talk of Metro's ridership increases, and I figure this would only make the system more efficient. Plus, I figure that such a policy would give me an extra five minutes of quality TV time per week.

Sincerely,
SkateboardMan

Joel Achenbach: You just want to be able to skate down the escalator at high speed. Admit it.

St. Paul, Minn.: Joel,

Your article today was great but I think you missed a whole section of conspiracy -- the matrix. In all seriousness Keanu Reeves definitely convinced me of the matrix and I'm sure that the assasination must have been the turning point of the real world into the matrix. Kennedy was the leader into the television generation. If anybody can get to the bottom of that I think it clearly is you.

Thank you
Jesse Ventura

Joel Achenbach: Let me just say i cant BELIEVE that the XFL is still on television. Has there ever been a bigger bust? This is Comet Kohoutec.

La Plata, Md.: So do you think McCain will see eye-to-eye with Bush on anything important over the next four years? What are the odds for a 2004 McCain bid?

Joel Achenbach: I'd be shocked if McCain didn't run. He's running now.

Joel Achenbach: Lisa, do you ever find a place that serves Schlitz on tap. Now THERE's a beer. That and PBR.

Rockville, Md.: What's a "limitless plain of illogic"? Or did I just answer my own question?

Joel Achenbach: Don't start throwing my words back at me. I have no idea what anything I write means.

Reston, Va.: Don't laugh too hard about that three Oswald idea. In fact, Oswald walked with a very noticable limp, and there were several men with similar handicaps seen on the streets of New Orleans in the summer of 1963 when Oswald was agitating for the FPCC. It was a hot time in the old town.

Joel Achenbach: No detail too trivial to be ignored!

Reston, Va., 20190: Zigzagging when under fire also works in Quake 3 Arena.

Joel Achenbach: I haven't played a video game since Space Invaders.

Lisa: The Billy Goat Tavern in Chicago serves Schlitz on tap. I've hung out there with construction workers many an afternoon. Don't ask.

Joel Achenbach: That's the cheeseburger place! A classic. A real dive.

Arlington, Va.: It's interesting that "Sen. McConnell" and Vienna have such simplistic views about the political process. It's not about the money direectly buying votes, it's about the money buying name recognition and big chunks of media time to tear down the opponent. I mean, c'mon people! I suppose you also think that guns don't kill people.

Joel Achenbach: Thanks for that, and let's all agree that on such topics as campaign finance, guns in schools, Kennedy, etc., that ALL the simplistic theories and slogans are probably wrong. (Though I still like "Oswald did it.")

Annapolis, Md.: I just wanted to comment on your comment "It's time to make a stand. Find your position in the world. Hold your ground. Be somewhere."

Even though Washington, D.C. is considered to be a meting pot, or a place of transients, or whatever, everyone who lives in the area has the good fortune to "be somewhere"! Everyone should be running out right now, not to catch the latest ethnic restaurant, but to catch the latest Oyster catch from the Bay. The season is almost over. The oysters are the best they have been all year. Shad roe is in season. Go get some and try it. Vegetables are showing up in gardens and Farmers markets all over the area -- run out to the nearest one and get some fresh lettuce. Don't go to Giant. Go to the local farmer. They are close by -- some even accesible by Metro. The Bay is inches away. Taste some of its wonders. When they're in season, not when they can be imported from Louisiana. Crabs are coming -- go to the nearest bayside crabhouse and try some freesh ones (don't eat the females, so there will be some left for next year!). Go into Virginia and try some Virginia ham and other Virginian delicacies. Go to Baltimre, hon. In no other place can you live in such a diverse city and still have such a teeming world of traditional foods and culture right outside your doorstep.

Thank you for letting me vent.

Joel Achenbach: Oh gosh i love this posting. THANK YOU. For years I've felt like it's a struggle to become connected to the region, the bay, the potomac, to get out of the urban groove and the Blockbuster-to-Safeway rut. Everybody, listen to Annapolis. Go get some of those oysters. (Can someone shuck them for me, please?)

Joel Achenbach: By the way, I'd like to thank you all for such interesting questions about my new book.

La Plata, Md.: Joel,

You've obviously missed the NRA's main point. If EVERYONE had a Saturday night special, then handgun violence would decrease as a result. One would never know if that little old lady you were about to roll was a deadeye shot with that derringer dangling from her key chain. (Assuming you were in the market to roll a little old lady.)

Got it?

Joel Achenbach: If all those kids at Columbine had been armed...got it.

Inside the Beltway: Hey Joel, if you really want to see what kind of food leads quickly to death, have a look at Texas' list of what death-row convicts had as their last meals:

http://tdcj.state.tx.us/stat/finalmeals.htm

If you add all those foodstuffs to the things you've mentioned in your "fear of food" columns, then we'll come close to covering every type of food imaginable, at which point people may actually get over their wacky little faux-phobias.

Joel Achenbach: Imagine what a bummer it would be if, for your last meal, they forgot to put the salad dressing on the side.
(yes, that's flippant. sorry.)

Arlington, Va.: Many of your answers today have managed to be both "wacky" and "zany," bordering on "goofy," and edging just to the left of "kooky."

Well done.

And when does the aliens book come out in softcover? As long as your plugging one book.

Joel Achenbach: But not nutty. I hope.
The fall.

Cincinnati, Ohio: Bush does read, he claims to have read something called "The Willy Mays Story," according to what I think was an unintentionally very funny article in the Wash Post about Laura Bush and her background as a thoughtful and intelligent librarian. Her favorite novel is supposedly "The Brothers Karamazov," and if that's true, she's probably far too serious to read your book, or to read it aloud to hubby with explanations of the vocabulary.

Joel Achenbach: Am I the only person who thinks the Star Wars trilogy was partly based on The Brothers Karamazov?

Alexandria, Va.: Where can I get a copy of that darn book you keep talking about?

Joel Achenbach: I have a copy at my desk, come on over. (I assume this is from one of my friends here who feels sorry for me.)

Park Point, Minn.: I understand someone is digging a tunnel under The Washington Post. Don't know whom. Any suggestions?

Joel Achenbach: Robert Hanssen?

Minneapolis, Minn.: I haven't read the book yet, but I did read many of the columns during the election season, and enjoyed them very much. I have a question about fear of food: how much do we really want to know about what we're eating? The reason I ask is that I feel, if I investigated every piece of food I ate, it would take far too much time, and I'd probably starve before finding suitable nutrients. That is, unless I was willing to grow all my food myself. (I'm not.) Comments?

Joel Achenbach: You have to trust the grocery store and the food suppliers and the manufacturers and factory farmers to some degree -- true enough. But I think there are longterm negative consequences when we becomes so completely divorced from the production of our meals, when we have no idea what's in stuff. A simple idea: Make soups from scratch. Make bread and cake from scratch. When i was growing up, in the Dust Bowl, we had chickens, we grew corn and vegetables. Kids today dont know what food IS.

All of us: You have a book?

Joel Achenbach: No, that's just an april fool's joke. THERE IS NO BOOK.

New Brunswick, N.J.: Since that last comment seems to have stymied all discussion, I'll try to ask a question about the book, though I haven't received it in the mail yet, so I haven't read it yet. How did you come up with the title?

Joel Achenbach: The title is based on a fairly famous punchline, but also echoes a general cynicism of the media and the public toward our elected and would-be-elected leaders.

San Francisco: To quote Dennis Hopper in "Blue Velvet":

"Heineken? HEINEKEN? -#%--- that! Pabst Blue Ribbon!

Also, Joel, I would describe you as "eclectic".

Joel Achenbach: Loved that scene! Talk about possibly unhelpful product placement...

Oakton, Va.: Joel, with all the arguments back and forth here, can I ask one simple question? If money is so effective at influencing election outcomes, why did Ollie North, Ross Perot, and Bob Dole all outspend their opponents by a large margin and still lose?

Joel Achenbach: Draw no conclusions from small samples.

New York: Okay then, about the election book. How is yours so different to those that are now flooding the market? What if I'm sick of reading about the election?

Joel Achenbach: Mine's worse. That's a huge difference. Deadlock is brilliantly conceived and organized and written like a dream, for example. Mine is...well, a joke. But sometimes a joke is a good thing.

Alexandria, Va.: Probably Grover Norquist is tunnelling under the Washington Post as part of his plan to build the Ronald Reagan Worldwide Tunnel around the Earth.

Joel Achenbach: When will we see the Ronald Reagan Death-Laser From Space?

Chicago, IL: You mentioned the second gunperson. Is this a delicate way of hinting that the second gunman was in fact a woman? That the black dog man was actually a woman with a large, pre-pillbox hat?

Joel Achenbach: The umbrella being held by the Umbrella Man on a cloudless day is used to communicate with the CIA satellite.

Overland Park, Kan.: I have never felt closer to Jesse Ventura then I do at this moment. Keanu Reeves could convince me of anything.

Meanwhile, how does one go about job shadowing you? Did this kid have connections, or was it a random lottery?

Joel Achenbach: He just called me up, and I said come on down. Why would he need connections. Being a reporter for the Post isn't like being, say, a hot Hollywood screenwriter.

Washington, D.C.: Joel, I really enjoy your columns. Do you think you'll ever write a book?

Joel Achenbach: No, because if I did, the New York Times might say I am a no-talent geek. Or, worse, that I'm "wacky."

Miami, Okla.: Dear Mr. Achenbach,

Is it a requirement to be a smart-ass to work for a major U.S. newspaper or is it just highly recommended? Go ahead, sleep warm and snug tonight with your juvenile belief that you live in the only country in the world where political conspiracies do not take place. By they way, you're following true to form -- what the establishment does not understand or like it ridicules. Some things are always like high school. So how does it feel to be like a high school bully, Mr. Achenbach?

Sincerely,

Jeff Birdsong

Joel Achenbach: Political conspiracies do take place here -- witness what happened to Mr. Lincoln. At the Washington Post, you might be interested to know, we did some reporting back in the early 1970s on a fairly large political conspiracy involving the Nixon White House. That said, I don't think this new bit of evidence about JFK is very compelling, and I communicated that in my own particular way, which I'm sorry to learn you found unamusing.

Waldorf, Md.: The FONZ was involved in the Kennedy Assassination? Arthur Fonzarelli? From Happy Days? Oh, Joel, say it ain't so!

(It was probably that Ralph, guy, ya ask me.)

Joel Achenbach: Ralph Malph. Always had him pegged as a stone-cold killer.

Iowa: In writing your book, can you say there is one or two things Gore could have, should have done differently that would likely have turned the election around. Thanks.

Joel Achenbach: Running as an enraged populist probably wasn't the best strategy for Gore. He might have wanted, purely for tactical reasons, to spend a little more time campaigning in Tennessee. That said, no, I think he's not the most natural or graceful politician and there's not much he can do about it. His big problem is that vast chunks of America are very conservative. He lost all the precincts where there are cows.

Washington: I just wanted to say that your columns totally rock. I'm sure your book does too, although I haven't read it. OK, thats all. No comments on guns or scary food.

Joel Achenbach: Thanks Mom.

Nome: Hope you like seal ice cream.

Joel Achenbach: Seal tastes like chicken i always find.

Arlington, Va.: Joel, I have some nice lettuce (all organic!) growing in pots on my deck. After your recent column on fear of food/lack of connection to nature, I felt sorry for you, and considered sending you some lettuce in the mail. If I did, would you eat it?

Joel Achenbach: Oh, no. All that talk about being in touch with nature was just for effect. I live off TV dinners and Pringles.

Inside the Beltway: What with all the talk about getting kids to report their fellow students to the principal for being the slightest bit out of the ordinary, some of us who were sullen nerds in high school are wondering if we'd be able to avoid being reported if we had to go through high school again. How about you?

Joel Achenbach: Death penalty for me.

Arlington, Va.: Joel, a couple of years ago, at an outdoor festival attended my zillions, I stifled a sneeze. I didn't quite get it all, so the sound I produced was something like, "uuuuhhsch-Muggles." Now I find out that someone has made a fortune writing a book featuring Muggles! I've been robbed by someone who, obviously, overheard me. Where to turn?

Joel Achenbach: You should sue J.K. Rowling for everything.

Downtown D.C.: Hi, Joel! Is your glorious return to print only a temporary one, as you fill in the empty spot left by Bob's absence, or will your wondrous words of wisdom appear in the print version of The Post from now on?

Joel Achenbach: Dont know, it's nice to be back in print though because my neighbors read the paper and they know i'm still employed.

Fairfax, Va.: A pearl of wisdom, extrapolated from advice I got from my father. He was playing golf on a gator-infested course, and someone advised him to run zig-zag if a gator was after him (or shooting at him, in the case of your Monday article). He pointed out at that whenever you run zig-zag, you always come back to the middle. Perhaps the next time we find a really disgruntled high school student, this guy who suggested running zig-zag from bullets can demonstrate? My dad and I will wait for him in the clubhouse.

Joel Achenbach: No, on a golf course you want to take out the gator with your 3-iron. Just tee off on the old reptile and see what he says about that.

Minneapolis, Minn.: I was actually able to buy a USED copy of your book yesterday on amazon.com. The book just came out, and already someone is selling it used? Frankly, I was surprised. Also, I was pleased because I got a deal on it. How do you feel about this?

Joel Achenbach: I hate that. I hate that. What is that, a black market kind of deal? Probably what happened is, i told my publisher to send some free copies to good friends in the news media, and they turned around and hawked them for a couple of bucks. This is a cruel world.

Washington (I don't live in a State!): After reading your articles on Fear of Food, I marvelled at all the things I did not know I should be deathly afraid of. However, is this like the Tylenol scare in the '80s? A few people are effected and we all change how we live.

Joel Achenbach: yes there's some hysteria involved, though if i'd lived in England the last ten years I'd be very nervous. I'm very nervous NORMALLY.

Arlington, Va.: Not to turn this into a Metro discussion, but Richard White has answered the question about walk left signs on Metro escalators a couple times in long-ago discussions (which can maybe be found in Levey's archive?). His answer is that he thinks walking on escelators is dangerous and doesn't want to do anything to encourage it (see, there's even a Rough Draft tie-in: unreasonable fear). I can only assume that he's taken to ducking the question lately because he's sick of people telling him his position is idiotic.

washingtonpost.com: Richard White was online yesterday.

Joel Achenbach: This chat needs more topics.

Washington, D.C.: What do you think of media sensationalism? I fully admit I am a hypocrite. I hate the mdeia and what it does in theory, but devour it every day!

Joel Achenbach: Even people in the media hate certain elements of the media. On the whole, though, most everyone is a professional and wants to do a good job, even snarky, snotty, snide humor colyumizers.

Looking for shelter: I want to get back to the fear of food. I did not think there was enough discussion on that last week. I think you brought up some really important points and I have some questions based on them.

1. Why did the new version of "Joy" get rid of all of the imprtant parts -- along with killing your own meat, the older version taught you how to grow, and pick from a field, your own food. The people back then knew how to do that. It is those of us who live in this modern, jumbled up time that do not and need to know how.

2. Speaking of that, have you ever read the book "how to Sh-- in the woods?" It is very good and knowledgeable about such things.

3. My real point: Has anyone stopped to consider the fast food joints? We hear so much about how their meat comes from so many random sources -- could Mad Cow be there too? Is it something we should be worried about at all? Seriously.

Joel Achenbach: Haven't read that book about the Woods -- is that the one by Anne Tyler?
I think the new edition of Joy just tried to match the contemporary eating habits and play down the meat-and-potatoes approach of Rombauer/Becker.
Supposedly we are free of mad cow because we don't import animal feed containing animal byproducts.

Somewhere in NE: Joel, you're just a kid, too young to remember how the government lied to the public about the U-2, Vietnam and the JFK assassination. Not that I am paronoid, of course! But what if you were given more evidence or information that might prove that you are wrong in assuming that one gunman shot at JFK? Lord knows there are all kinds of wacky people out there who find the dumbest theories, but what do you make of peole like Dr. Charles A. Crenshaw, who was in the trauma room at Dallas with JFK, and who said that his wounds in the throat and head were ENTRANCE wounds? And of course LBJ would never lie to us about such a serious matter as the assassination, would he?

Joel Achenbach: Dont know about Dr Crenshaw, but the House select committee looked at the autopsy photos, and 8 of 9 pathologists said he was shot from the rear.

Joel Achenbach: I'm so sorry that I haven't had a chance to post more of the questions today, particularly some of the very insightful and evocative questions about my alleged book. It's time to wrap this up...see you soon...have a great afternoon...eat only native vegetation and small free-range mammals.
cheers, Joel

London, UK: Just to say that Skateboard Man is labouring under a delusion if he thinks we on the London Underground keep strict etiquette on escalators. We only do that when Americans are around to try to keep up our sense of superiority....

Joel Achenbach: Had to let London have the last word. bye!

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