Abigail Trafford

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With the uncertainties and anxieties of war, the tragedies of Sept. 11, 2001 caused us all to re-examine our lives. How will the holidays this year be different from last? How are you and your family making this holiday a special one? What traveling will you be doing?

Join Post Health columnist Abigail Trafford on Friday, Nov. 16 at 1 p.m. EST for an interactive reader discussion about dealing with life in the aftermath of Sept. 11 -- from changes in your daily routine or moods to big questions about changing values and priorities.

The transcript follows.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

Abigail Trafford: Hello everybody. Happy Thanksgiving Day. Thanksgiving is about being grateful. It's about being American. It's about being special. The Pilgrims had no idea that a boatload of settlers would morph into a country of 285 million people, that a forgotten colony on the damp New England coast would become the most powerful nation in the world. It was dark time for the Pilgrims. Half of their settlement died that first winter. Still they celebrated the harvest and survival. This year is also a dark time. We are hurting. But we are coming into the holidays and want to find ways to bond together and be grateful.
What are you doing for Thanksgiving this year? Send us your comments and questions. We're live.

Gaithersburg, Md.: My holiday will be different this year in that my mother is now living in this area with my brother -- and my husband and I will be hosting her for the day. Because she is ill, it's very possible that this will be her last Thanksgiving (and Christmas). I try not to think about that, of course, but it's always there in the back of my mind. I do plan to cook, but nothing fancy -- mostly "comfort food," things that my Mom likes (some of her favorite Thanksgiving recipes). These past couple of months have been stressful, so I'm just going to try to have a relatively simple Thanksgiving, without a lot of "bells and whistles." We'll eat in the kitchen and just try to enjoy each other's company.

Abigail Trafford: You're doing just right. And know that whatever you do, it will be a wonderful day for your mother. Nothing fancy and comfort food sound like the order of the day. My rules for the holidays are simplify, simplify and simplify. That leaves time and energy for what's really important. I remember a beloved cousin who came to sing carols on Christmas eve--a family ritual. She had been coming for years. When we started singing Hark the Herald Angels Sing, this dignified lady of 85 burst into tears. We all stopped singing. She told us then, she had a cancer, that this would be her last Christmas eve, that Hark the Herald Angels Sing was her favorite carol and she was so happy to be with us--that evening and for all the many years before. Being together was the priority--the gift she gave us and we gave her. That's the main thing about family holidays. Just being together and affirming what you share.

McLean, Va.: I am trying to get my husband to agree to an "us" holiday. I am tried of folks coming to our house or us having to drive 4 hours. I work and would like the down time. He is not working so he doesn't see the problem. I need this time off to decompress. Any suggestions?

Abigail Trafford: Hello McLean. This sounds like the Time Gap that hits many couples when one person is working and the other is not. You just out of sync with the rythm of your separate lives. So when you come together for your shared life--which is Thanksgiving--you come with different resources and expectations. You need a break. It sounds as though he'd like an event. What about a nice long talk soon to see if you could come to a compromise. May a trip just the two of you to celebrate the dinner at some special place. That way, you get to decompress (and not cook) and he gets the stimulation of an occasion.

Pittsburgh, Pa.: How can I face the holidays with my husband passing away last summer and one of two sons fighting the war. I wish the holidays would just go away.

Abigail Trafford: Dear Pittsburgh. I'm so sorry about your husband. Losses make the holidays very difficult. This is a particularly hard time for you. Perhaps the Pilgrims help us find a way to celebrate life even as it is taken away from us. Those early days were very grim. Yet they affirmed thier survival with this ritual. I think that's what rituals are about. They help us get through personal traumas and let us know that we are not alone. Perhaps it would help to change the ritual somewhat this year to acknowledge your loss. At the same time, coming together can be very healing. I wish you well.

Arlington, Va.: Abi, I love the holidays. It's a wonderful time to eat with family. However, what concerns me is that this year, we have in-laws coming in from both sides. On one side is an estranged brother who constantly argues with mom and is very blunt... not too well-mannered and a bit sarcastic. When he's not mad, it's usually fine. On the other side is a very type A-personality sister with her husband visiting from the other coast. And another sister will be bringing her boyfriend to meet the family for the first time. I mean, it is great that we have so many people coming, but I'm also anxious that there will be some heated arguments and a fallout, especially between the in-laws. Any advice? I don't want to fret in being the mediator the whole weekend. (Would rather go shopping then, if you know what I mean!)

Abigail Trafford: Welcome Arlington. I think you represent ALL families--especially when in-laws come together and everyone brings a personal agenda to a family gathering. The dynamic in families is to create distance so individuals can flourish and to cement bonds so that everybody can be supported. Thanksgiving is literally the holiday when everyone gets a seat at the table! I'm not a therapist so I have no special knowledge on how to make a family dinner go smoothly. But I come from a big extended family, and here are some thoughts from a survivor. The first is not to set yourself up as the monitor. It's not fair to you, nor is it usually successful. You can set the tone. But if an estranged brother is going to argue. . . . he's a grown-up. . . you can't stop him. You can seat your mom far away from him. And besides, with so many people coming, everything will be slightly diffused. Finally, in our family we had a fallback position. If it looked like someone was going to be really difficult, we went into a PAP mode for the duration of the meal. PAP means peace at any price. In other words, to keep the party going smoothly, tell yourself that you're not going to argue or make a fuss while the dinner is going on. You can always fight later. If enough people in the family go into the PAP mode, everybody can have a really good time. I can't wait to hear how your dinner pans out!

Richmond, Va.: How do you cope with the expectations the holidays place on you? For example, to pretend family relationships are all terrific when they are not. I'm so tired of pretending I'm enjoying myself at these endless get togethers. My family would be too offended if one year I just didn't show up though.

Abigail Trafford: You can cut back. You don't have to do EVERYTHING! You certainly don't have to pretend family relationships are terrific when they're not. You just have to decide what you can do--let's say one meal, or one drop-in hello party. Then decide that you'll enjoy what you can--maybe there's good food, or a cousin you like. Avoid the people and situations that really take it out of you. No one has to endure "endless get-togethers." At the same time, getting together can be fun. And people who don't have family around still want some coming together with a network of friends and neighbors during the holidays.

Riverdale, Md.: Any ideas about how not to spend the Big Day alone? No relations any more. When I ask people over they all ready have plans (asked first week in Oct). And the last time I asked my priest for a list who is alone I called 6 of the 8 on the list as was told in shocked voices that they didn't need a place that day.

Abigail Trafford: Call the priest back or get in touch with someone else at your church. Tell them you'd like to spend Thanksgiving with other people. The church may be holding a dinner for parishioners. Or organizing to celebrate thanksgiving dinner for those are homeless or needy, and perhaps you'd like to help out. Let me know how your Thanksgiving works out.

Washington, D.C.: Any suggestions for a single guy spending T-giving and Xmas in the big city alone. This is majorly stressing me out because it makes me feel completely and totally alone. Instead of wallowing in that though, I hope to maybe come up with some alternatives or just figure out how to deal with the stress. Thanks.

Abigail Trafford: It's hard to be single and alone anytime--the holidays can illustrate just how alone you are and that's hard. But lemme tell you. You are not alone. There are many many people like you who are looking for people to share their lives with. The first step is to reach out. Where do you work? Where do you live? Do you belong to any community groups? Families are looking for single people to invite to Thanksgiving dinner. That's the point of the holiday. There's a difference between being alone and feeling alone. Feeling alone is what hurts. Being alone is a very common condition. And it can be remedied. But just being with other people doesn't automatically take away those lonely feelings. . . . . Keep us all posted on what you do for the holidays.

New York City, N.Y.: At lunch today, I overheard someone saying they weren't looking forward to driving to Ohio for T-giving - OHIO! And my husband just told me of a co-worker who is spending Thursday with relatives in Michigan then driving to Illinois for his other half's family. Who in their right mind drives 40-some hours in a 4-day weekend?? And these are the people complaining about holiday stress! My husband and I stay home every T-giving and have a great feast AND no traffic headaches. Is it that people just like to put themselves thru the hopes for the right to complain?

Abigail Trafford: It's an American ritual--travel many miles for Thanksgiving dinner. In the past, more people travel on T-giving than any other holiday. I agree that driving to Ohio or Michigan sounds like a huge time of stress. But then I prefer to fly--even today. A flight of under two hours is not a lot of stress--for me. Perhaps many people are choosing the stress (and risks) of driving over flying this year. I think your idea of staying home and relaxing with your husband over a drub stick sounds wonderful.

Maryland: This year for Thanksgiving, like the last few years, we are going to the in-laws, and I just know it'll be the same people, same stories, same everything so I'm dreading it. I haven't been married that long, but I already need some coping tips! (besides having a little more wine than I should!) And guess what? Christmas is going to be worse--not only will we be at the in-laws, my parents will be in town as well! I feel too young to dread the holiday season like this!

Abigail Trafford: 1. you don't have to do it all. Say no to some events. Focus on those events that you will enjoy the most. 2. take a pro-active approach. Organize an event at your place, which you can control, instead of going to other people's events and feeling that you're at their mercy. 3. Talk to your husband about a strategy to get through the holiday events so you're both on the same page. . . and can enjoy each other at these parties. 4. Take a bubble bath every day.

Suffolk, Va.: Abigail, I'm from a really close knit family of 4. I like to get together with my family on most of the holidays and their kid's birthdays (as well as my son). However, my husband who comes from a divorced family thinks this is weird and that we are "weird" people for wanting to be around each other a lot. He calls me anti-social since I really don't have a lot of "close" friends but this is due to the fact that I had 2 sisters close my age and they are my bestfriends. He doesn't understand this and because of this, holidays have become such a burden for me. I always have to accomodate his family first (if they're coming or not) and my family has become second. Whenever his family doesn't come that's when we'll go to my family. I am really getting sick of this treatment but I don't know how to tell him.

Abigail Trafford: This is a deeper issue of communication between you and your husband. Again, I'm not a counselor. But it seems that you each have different expectations of each other. It's not a good sign to ALWAYS put one family first, and the other second. There has to be some balancing of priorities between you. Other wise, you have a situation that can lead to resentment and disappointment. You and your husband don't have to agree. But you need to respect your differences and accomodate them.

Being alone for holidays: I know some social groups have other people who are in the same boat as the two people who are alone for the holidays. I got two emails from various social groups who are putting together impromptu holiday feasts for those folks who are alone for the holidays. i.e. jaycees and single volunteers

As for Dec. 25, try checking into the DC Jewish Community Center. They do volunteering on Dec. 25th in the community. You don't have to be Jewish to volunteer. www.dcjcc.org I think is the URL. Do something good for your soul!

Abigail Trafford: Thank you for the resources! Have a good Thanksgiving!

Arlington, Va.: My mother has announced that she would rather spend Thanksgiving alone. My father died suddenly last December, and the Thanksgiving trip to my house was their last "trip" together (they live about an hour away). At first she tried using excuses like she didn't want to drive (one of us would go get her), but she finally admitted it was because last Thanksgiving was so nice, and the memories were making her unhappy. I certainly am willing to respect her wishes, but I am not sure this is very healthy. Any thoughts?

Abigail Trafford: This is very hard, Arlington. If it were me, I guess I'd turn the situation around and say: "I understand it's too hard to come to us for thanksgiving. But I really want to spend it with you. We are both missing my dad. So what If I come to you and we'll have thanksgiving together. . . " Maybe there's a restaurant nearby her house where you could gather. That way you'd be together, but not put her through the stress of retracing her steps after your father's death.

Alexandria, Va.: Any advice for children (and their parents) who have loved ones like a parent that is off at war? How do we keep our spirits up?

Abigail Trafford: Rituals lead the way. During World War II, families celebrated Thanksgiving. That's the point about Thanksgiving. The Pilgrims were right. Even in times of loss and stress, it's good to come together and be grateful for what we have. It's a moment to take time out of the every-day worry. Concentrate on the turkey, the gravy, the cranberry sauce. Think about whether someone wants more mashed potatoes. Get dressed up with a pretty scarf. Children will feel more secure when they see the adults around them, carrying on the traditions of Thanksgiving with warmth and enthusiasm. I hope it goes well.

Saying no:: How does one gracefully and diplomatically say "no" at the holidays? We're visiting my husband's father for Thanksgiving (who live 6.5 hours away) and seeing my family for Christmas. Because his mom is totally left out, she's coming for 4 days in January. Recently, my father in law mentioned how he'd like to come up (with his wife and possibly stepson) to do a "late Christmas" with us in January. With all of the traveling, work, and school we have going on, I can't do another trip. His dad is the only one who can't seem to understand we can't see everyone for every holiday. My husband would like to see him if we can. How can I say no without seeming like the heavy?

Abigail Trafford: I don't have an easy answer. There is some comfort knowing that so many other people are struggling with the same dilemma that you are. Families are complicated these days. That's part of their strength. It's also part of their burdon, especially on those who are caught in the middle. The best thing is to sit down with your husband and say: I can't do it all. We can't do it all. What can we postpone until May? Can we make the fourth of July or Labor Day into an alternate family gathering time?

Flying to Michigan: I would never fly to MI or OH again at the holidays! It is SO much more stressful than driving... unless you're going to an airline hub city, you have to transfer, flights are late and you're dashing through airports, etc. Driving, we have found takes maybe an 1-4 more hours than flying, and you get to see some beautiful sites along the way.

Abigail Trafford: Good points! Thank you.

Fairfax, Va.: All the jingoism and "patriotism" of late turns my stomach, and I'm gonna have to face it during the holidays. My father usually streams forth with racist comments, and I'm sure he'll just be raring to go this year. Any tips for how to survive the towel-head and camel-jockey jokes (not to mention those related to the annihilation of the Arab peoples) without hacking him with the turkey carver?

Or more precisely, balancing family peace with my refusal to spend time with people who make me miserable? I need to make it perfectly clear to him that I'm not a scared little girl anymore, but I don't want to make my mother's ulcer any bigger.

Abigail Trafford: Sounds as though your problems are bigger than Thanksgiving. And they are notgoing to be solved at a stressful family dinner. Is there a way to talk about this beforehand, at least with your mother? could you make a decision--all of you--to ban certain subjects of conversation? The PAP mode, if you will?

For alone for the holidays: A great way to make yourself feel better and not be alone is to volunteer through a church, homeless shelter, etc. to feed other people for Thanksgiving. You're with others in the cooking, preparations, and serving, and doing something worthwhile for people who are in really difficult places.

Abigail Trafford: Thanks for the suggestion. Have a good turkey day!

Somewhere, USA: Any advice for couples or estranged couples this holiday? I know you wrote your article on this but I was wondering if we should make the most of the Thanksgiving or just give each other space.

Abigail Trafford: There are no guidelines on this. The goal is to do both--not just at holidays but in the post-divorce relationship, especially if children are involved. You need your holidays, and so do the children. If the breakup is recent, some couples want to celebrate it together to affirm the past and let the kids know that their parents are there for them. Usually over time, spouses develop their separate holiday rituals. The children adjust to different rituals. But just because you break up doesn't mean you don't celebrate holidays. You just find new ways of celebrating, just as you find new ways of living and loving.

Abigail Trafford: Our time is up. I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday. Let me know how it goes!

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