Abigail Trafford

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Sept. 11, 2001 caused us all to re-examine our lives -- especially our marriages and love relationships. At first we all came together. It was so important to reach out to loved ones. But how about now? For some couples, the attacks brought them closer together. For others, it was the opposite.

Join Post Health columnist Abigail Trafford on Tuesday, Nov. 13 at 2 p.m. EST for an interactive reader discussion about dealing with life in the aftermath of Sept. 11 -- from changes in your daily routine or moods to big questions about changing values and priorities.

Submit your questions before or during the hour.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

Abigail Trafford: Hello everybody. Normal, Yet? Welcome to Health Talk and tell us how you are doing. Once again, we grieve. Yesterday's crash of American Airline Flight 587 shook us all. Officials say that it seems like an accident, but they aren't ruling out sabotage. We grieve for the families of those who were killed. We remember the losses of September 11. And we prepare for Thanksgiving when we shall gather together to give thanks for our blessings and celebrate what it is to be an American. We are caught between grief and joy, pain and hope. What about you? What are you thinking about these days? Please send in your comments and questions. We're about to begin.

Rockville, Md.: Dear Ms. Trafford:
The combination of the airplane tragedies of September 11 and Monday's terrible crash in New York have had a big effect on my 6 year-old. While he has taken things calmly on the whole and we have discussed things with him at his level to the extent possible (I don't really believe in hiding information from him at this age), I am concerned about his firm assertion that he will not fly again. Both my husband and I travel for work from time to time and my son's grandparents live in Europe, so we travel there to meet them too. Should we be concerned? What should we do when we do fly again? How might we avert his fear or panic? Do you know how others have dealt with this? (Discussing the statistical improbability of plane crashes is NOT going to work.)
Thanks!

Abigail Trafford: Dear Rocville. It's hard to be 6 years old and you see that your parents are very worried and you know that something really bad has happened. . . . but you're too young to know all about it. Many people are focussing their fears on flying. Rationally people know the statistics that show that air travel is relative safe when compared with other risks such as driving. But fear is a primal emotional response and that's why a discussion of statistics doesn't help too much. I am not a therapist, but it seems to me that your son is worried that his parents are going to be safe and that they are going to be there for him. At six he knows that his whole world revolves around his parents. The September 11 attacks may have made him afraid that he could lose you. Part of our role as parents is to provide a safe place for our children. We can't always to that. But we can reassure them that we are there for them, we're not going to disappear even though we have to go away sometimes. Once he feels more secure about your being there for him, his fear of flying may diminish. If the fears persist, you might want to talk to a professional about them. I hope this helps.

Washington, D.C.: After Sept. 11, I've found myself upset about not having a significant other. My last relationship ended two years ago and up to the 11, I was very comfortable and happy being single. Now, I feel lonely. My family have been great, but they obviously can't fill that specific void. Have you found that others feel this way?

Abigail Trafford: Yes. A crisis makes you want to reach out. Who is going to be a Ground Zero with you when a crisis hits? People who are single may feel the absence of another person on the sofa at that time. But you also know that feeling whole and safe is something that you do for yourself. Another person can love you but they can't take away those feelings of dread and lonliness. That's something that each of us has to without our own soul. What's more, as many people have told me in interviews, a crisis often shows how far apart two people are in a relationship. They are simply lonely together. So the situation is complex. Your yearning for a mutual relationship with a significant other is really universal. There's no reason you won't have such a relationship. . . . tomorrow or tomorrow. Meanwhile it sounds as though you have a very strong network of family and friends. They are with you. You are not alone.

Washington D.C.: Please explain how this tragic events could bring couples apart?

Abigail Trafford: From interviews it seems that some couple proceed on separate emotional tracks. They may deny problems exist in the relationship. They may deceive the other person to make up for what they're missing in the marriage--that could be an affair or a hobby that becomes an obsession or drinking too much. A couple can go along for years like this. They may not even be aware of it. Then a crisis hits. A national trauma like the September 11 attacks or a personal trauma such as a health problem. Then they have to face each other--perhaps for the first time in years. Sometimes they rediscover what brought them together in the first place. More often, the crisis breaks through the denial and they see how problematic the relationship is. That's how tragic events can push people apart. Crisis is also an opportunity to change. But unless changes are made, the conflicts in a relationship persist.

Boston, Mass.: It seems crises highlight existing conflict and/or intimacy between people. The response to this could go either way, depending upon one's own judgement. I wonder how the question feels for parents with their children, across the board: estranged parents, close parents, lonely parents, active parents. How do you see primal relationships responding to the threat and ache of war?

Abigail Trafford: Hi Boston! My home town! Some of the issues in marital relationships also are true of parent and child relationships. I interviewed a woman in California, a well known therapist whose daughter is grown and working in Denver. After September 11, mother and daughter talked a lot on the phone. They wanted to affirm their close ties. The mother was worried about her daughter who lived alone. She was about to suggest--why don't you come home and live with us for a while. Then she stopped herself. She knew it was not possible for them both to live under the same roof. The daughter was an adult with her own way of doing things, her own independence and tastes. And so was she. She recognized that she didn't really want her daughter to come back and live with her. A visit, yes. That would be wonderful. But the woman recognized the complexity of their relationship. So you can have parents and children reaching out to each other--but not wanting to go back to parent-child dynamic of childhood. I think the key is to go forward in the reality of the present. That would apply to children who are estranged from their parents. Post Septmeber 11 is an opportunity to break through the distance and connect with each other. Then you can see if the relationship could change so that you would not longer be estranged. The crisis opens the door. But it doesn't miraculously fix a conflicted relationship. As one researcher said to me: "It's not an attitute thing."

Takoma Park, Md.: This doesn't relate to anyone's fears of flying or disease (anyone who just now thought of these things lacks imagination anyway), BUT, the holidays are upon us.

I have a 3 year-old and an 8 year-old, I find the less we blare the news at them, and the fact that my father flies small airplanes (can't now thanks to the FAA--hello? they were COMMERCIAL JETS that were used in these attacks, not 4-seater Cessna from Montgomery Airpark!) has helped keep my 8 year-old from being too scared. Stick to the newspapers or other quiet venues.

Abigail Trafford: Bravo for you. Controlling the stimuli around you is very good for your children. And constant dramatic headlines of plane crashes can be too much. I guess newspapers are "softer" and put issues more in context. And I'm obviously a newspaper junkie. But I'm also an advocate of reading stories. Last weekend I was reading the Babar the Elephant stories outloud to an almost 3 year-old. The story is actually filled with a lot of drama and crises. Barbar loses his mother, is taken off to Paris, rescued by a wonderful old lady. But when you're a child, it's more soothing to learn about crises when it's in a book and you know it's a made-up story.

Springfield, Va.: I find the most difficult thing to deal with is that my husband and I deal with our fears very differently.

He tends to not let anything bother him. He has the ability to just place things out of his mind.

I, on the other hand, tend to let more bother me. If I can just discuss things, more often than not, I am less anxious.

Its a problem for us because his way of "helping me" is to simply say, "well, it doesn't worry me, so when it worries me, it should worry you." That may be very true, but I need to TALK it out. I need him to answer my concerns. For instance, HE does not work in a job where he receives mail. I do - furthermore, I receive mail from government agencies. I feel relatively justified in being somewhat nervous. If he would just talk me through it, though, I'd feel much better.

How do we get our "coping styles" in sync? (I should add we've been married 18 yrs and have both lost parents so we've been through some trying times...)

Abigail Trafford: Hello Springfield. This is so common. It's the great gender divide in marriages. You sound like author and family therapist Lillian B. Rubin whom I interviewed for the column today. She and her husband have been married for more than 40 years. On September 11, she was glued to the television. She wanted to talk about it. He didn't. She was scared. He wasn't. He told her that they had lived long enough to know that they would survive this, too. He had fought in the Spanish Civil War and World War II. She said: "I tend to respond more emotionally. My moods will move up and down. My husband is a very steady kind of guy. There are moments when I want to grab him by the shoulders and say, 'Damn it. Get upset!'" But he just has a different coping style. She recognizes that. She finds other ways to talk and get out her feelings. His different style doesn't make her question the marriage---or him. She accepts that he is different is is not going to meet her on worry/talk scale. "Differences are important. His laid-back quality is important to sustaining the marriage. I know that. A good marriage is when you know both sides," she said. I hope this helps you understand your husband better!

Burke, Va.: I think I can stay normal as long as I watch TV news in very small doses. I can only take so much "what if" hysteria! (what if they have nukes, what if they spread smallpox, what if the AA flight was sabotaged) I try to concern myself with real, tangible issues (drive defensively, fasten my seat belt) and try to ignore the hypothetical. But it's very hard--particularly since my spouse is a news junkie. Why is TV news so focused on scaring the pants off us?

Abigail Trafford: Hello Burke. I think everyone is dealing with TV news and how much is too much. There's no simple answer. News people have to cover the news--whatever is happening in the world that is new, unusual, extradinary for good or for bad. Plane crashes are news. The fact that all the planes landed safely the day before is not news. The plane crash is news because it is an nusual and extraordinary event. There is a push in the news business to go beyond the headlines and make the news more meaningful to give people the texture of the world we live in, not just the events that happen.

Cleveland, Ohio: I seem to have recovered ok - as has my husband and my 2 step-children, both teenagers. However, the are both due to fly to Florida next week to be w/ their mother and new sisters for the holiday. My step-daughter is really scared of flying. Her grandmother and brother will be with her, but she still keep mentioning her fear.
Any suggestions on what to say to make her feel better. Besides the obvious.

Thanks

Abigail Trafford: This is so hard. I'm flying away for Thanksgiving and my adult children are worried about me. I'm a little worried. I think that's because all our chronic anxiety since September 11 has been focussed on air travel. That is something we can see (as opposed to the threat of another attack. That is something we think we can control by deciding whether to fly or not. But that sense of control is elusive. We live in a sea of risks. It's safer to fly that to drive in a car--according to statistics. Somehow we all have to make peace with the fear that's in us. It's not just flying we're afraid of. These feelings reflect the general background of anxiety. We have to find a way to cope with this anxiety and find ways to soothe ourselves and find a personal zone of safety in a world that is only relatively safe. How do you do that before Thanksgiving? I think talking about feelings helps and talking about the fear in a general way. Then you don't feel so scared of specific things like flying. Again, I'm not a therapist. But that's what I try to do.

Springfield, Va.: Hi Abigail,
Reading your article today was eerie. I connected with it on so many levels. This is more of a thank you note for writing a piece that reached my soul.
I, too, am from Boston. I've been married for 30 years, or, as a therapist pointed out,
maybe one year, 30 times over!
On Sept. 11, I'd just walked into a lawyer's
office to begin educating myself about the process of separation and divorce.
We cancelled the meeting, because both of us were in shock.
Only such an earth-shaking event could have kept me from my "mission" that day.
My husband is so grateful, because he begged me not to go to the lawyer.
Since that time, our "incompatibility" issues have gone underground, again. They don't seem to have as great an import, nor is it crisis mode around here.
It's a holding pattern, once more. Time will tell. I'm okay with a "wait and see" attitude.
As the lawyer said when I cancelled, "You've waited this long, a bit longer won't matter!"
My husband, too, is charming and disorganized while I am the manager of our household "corporation." I consider myself a successful businesswoman who bolsters everyone.
Pure exhaustion from overfunctioning sent me, finally to the lawyer.
But since Sept. 11, I have been trying to "let go" and return some of the responsibilites to my husband. The hard part is learning to live with the outcomes, which frequently do not match my expectations.
But, "letting go" is the work of mid-life in many instances, isn't it?
So, I guess that is my question.

Abigail Trafford: Hello Springfield. Thank you for your story. It sounds as though you are changing some of the basic patters that have led to your marriage. You are letting go. That's a huge change. And you are accepting that the results would not be as you would have done, but that's okay. That's another huge change. Perhaps you find yourself in a different kind of marriage with these changes. Perhaps it won't be different enough. But congratulations on making huge steps towards a different life.

Harvard, Mass.: I heard a Ben Franklin quote the other day, from our minister: "Those who value security above freedom deserve neither". I agree the thrust of this statement. I wonder if it could be effectively applied to interpersonal relationships? Maybe we are all a little too attached to our notions about "security"?

Abigail Trafford: Here's another quote: nothing ventured, nothing gained. Risk taking is as American as apple pie. But it comes with responsibility. I think risk-taking plus responsibility taking can be a safe course in interpersonal relationships. Not a secure or guaranteed course. You're right. that's an illusion. But I'm for a safe-enough middle ground of freedom with responsibility. What do you think?

Poolesville, Md.: I read (in the Health section, actually) that some people were experiencing sleep disorders in the aftermath of Sept. 11th. I shrugged it off at the time but now I seem to be having trouble going to sleep at night. I'm up til 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning sometimes. I think this entire matter just adds to the usual day-to-day stressors we normally experience, such as bills, childcare, etc. Even commuting to work has added stress now because you never know what's going to happen next. Even though the plane crash in Queens may not have been a terrorist attack, those people were in their homes and not even safe!

Abigail Trafford: Sleep disorders are a major problem int he U.S. You can get into an unhealthy cycle. The less you sleep the less you sleep the more disturbed you are and the less you can sleep. If this is causing you problems, I would consult a physician who can help you get over this.

Portland, Maine : As you say in your article, it doesn't seem that Sept. 11 brings people back together, at least not for good. With the prevalence of divorce, any advice or insights into those who feel they must suddenly marry in the wake of the attacks? Why do people feel this urge? The need for connectedness?

Abigail Trafford: You know the slogan: marry in haste; repent in leisur. Impulse anything can lead to problems. Some people are so ambivalent that they need an outside crisis to force them to make a decision. History shows the folly of impulse marrying. During World War II, people rushed to the altar. And then in 1947, the divorce rate spiked and one out of three marriages ended in divorce.

Cambridge, Mass.: After September 11 I am more resolved than ever to live life fully and without unnecessary restrictions. That includes communicating in a heartfelt way to loved ones, and also honestly with them. This may imply that I lose some relationships, or that some are prioritized differently than before. It seems hard to explain this sort of change to people in question, if they even notice it. I wonder what suggestions you have? Coping with explanations of changes in heart?

Abigail Trafford: Some people don't understand. Perhaps they don't have the experience to understand or they're in their own denial about meaningful relationships. But those who love you and want to have a committed and engaged relationship with you, will understand. They may not always agree with you, but they have empathy and feel comfortable in sharing their own deepest feelings and thought. More than honesty, I think integrity best describes the soul of a relationship. Both people in a relationship--a marriage, a friendship, a parentshii--need to have integrity in themselves and in each other.

Columbia, Md.: From the little bit of reading I have done about anthrax, I have several questions.
1. How do we clear the environment of anthrax, especially the Hart Building where the letter to Senator Daschle went?
2. Is it clear how all the postal workers with inhalation anthrax working in the Washington, DC area were exposed? Are all the exposures attributed to the one letter? Did the cleaning procedures for the mail sorting machines re-aerosolize the anthrax or was it direct exposure to the envelop as it went through the machines?
3. My understanding is that the vaccine takes 6 injections, why so many? How effective is the vaccine? How much protection do you have after say 3 injections?

Abigail Trafford: Lots of questions here and I am not an expert. But here goes: 1. It's very hard to clear the environment of anthrax, and its a learn-as-you go process. Officials keep testing.
2. It's is not clear how all the postal workers with inhalation anthrax got exposed. Or how the woman in New York with no connection to the mail got exposed. Much attention is being devoted to this as well as the mechanics of mail sorting. Occupational researchers have been try8ing to get rid of the blowers in postal facilities for years because the equipment aggravates lung conditions such as asthma.
3. The vaccine is only available to military personnel for the moment. It seems to be effective and research is underway to see if the number of injections could be reduced. There are some concerns about the vaccine that need to be worked out.
Finally, a reader a few weeks ago asked me about the safety of taking Cipro for anthrax if a woman is pregnant, or is trying to get pregnant. This is a question to ask your personal physician, but recently the American College of Obstetricians issued the following guidelines: Pregnant or lactating women should be started on a course of ciprofloxacin for 60 days if exposed to anthrax, but should switch to "amoxicillin, if and when public health officials determine that the strains of anthrax bacteria in the particular exposure incident are penicilin-sensitive." Doctors are concerned by the lack of study data ont he use of Cipro in pregnant women. "There is no clear evidence that ciprofloxacin is teratogenic in humans"(causes birth defects) said physician Charles Lockwood for the organization. "Since some studies have suggested a risk of irreversible joint disease. . . in animals, we prefer to tread carefully here. Where possible, pregnant women should be switched to equally effective amoxicillin, since it has a more established record of general safety during pregnancy." Since the detection and treatment of anthrax is an evolving medical science, recommendations are likely to change with new information.

Abigail Trafford: Our time is up. Thank you all for your comments and questions. Let's talk again soon.

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