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Tell Me About It
Hosted by Carolyn
Hax
Washington Post Staff Writer
Monday, Dec. 3, 2001; 3 p.m. EST
Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.
Appearing every Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ฎ offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 30-something repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and thats about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.
The transcript follows.
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Breakup hell:
Carolyn,
On Friday, someone asked what you think about couples who break up all the time. What about a couple that breaks up only once and it lasts for a year and then they get back together? The breakup was due to constant fighting but a lot has changed in the last year. Can those two people ever be right for each other in your mind? And might that breakup be the best thing for them in the end?
Carolyn Hax: Of course they -can-, but whether they are, I have no idea. Depends one what broke them up, what changed, whether one of them has a trust fund, the usual stuff.
Somewhere in Maryland:
Carolyn --
I made a huge mistake Friday and wanted your advice on how to handle it. Went on a second date with a guy. And had the best of intentions. Even told him I wanted to get to know him slowly, not get involved physically right away. However, after the date, things ended up going there anyway. I recognize I am half responsible for what happened. But it ended up being pretty awful and not what I wanted at all, which I realized just a little too late. I was terribly depressed saturday and feel just awful. I don't want to see him again. I don't even know if he'll call. And frankly its fine if he doesn't. How do I chalk this up to a big mistake and move on? I feel sooo bad. And how do I tell him that I don't think I can see him again? I guess I just do and hope he understands. We rushed things. It wrecked it for me. I guess I am more worried about how bad I am feeling. I feel so low it's scary.
Carolyn Hax: Emergency, emergency. oh dear. okay. Here's the best route to peace of mind that I can think of for you: WHY do you think you did this, even though you so clearly didn't want to? I think that's why you were so depressed Saturday--fear of being out of control. It is scary. But i think you can get it back (as much as any of us has control over things) by understanding what it is that drives you--too much alcohol, loneliness, a need to please/fear of saying no, whatever--and then recognizing it next time, and not succumbing to it.
As for him, I don't knwo that you want to chase him down just to say "please don't call me again"--but I also don't think hoping he doesn't call you is the answer, either. The former strikes me as unfair. If he were a she, imagine the outcry if we both said, "yeah, you had sex with her, better not see her again"? And the latter is setting yourself up to feel worse: "Great, I messed up and don't want him any more, and now HE wants nothing to do with ME."
Excruciating as it sounds, I think it might help you to talk to this guy about what happened.
Virginia:
Hi Carolyn,
I have suffered from depression most of my adult life, and I am currently havin a pretty bad relapse after a recent break up of a romantic relationship. My question is, it is really rough, and how do I explain to friends that I am not just down or in a funk, that this is really serious. I am on meds and in therapy, and I think most of my friends would be understanding, but I am hesitant to say anything, but feel I need to so I can let them know that right now I am not doing very well emotionally and need their support.
Carolyn Hax: Howdy. I'm sorry you're having a relapse.
Would it help if you took things one friend at a time, starting with the, say, two closest and most trusted? That way you won't feel so daunted by it, and you can also concentrate on these friends so they're more likely to take you seriously.
Just prepare yourself for the fact that if you ask for help from only a few friends, you'll feel the impact more if you're misunderstood and/or let down, and so you'll need to prepare yourself to be patient. Hang in there.
Washington, D.C.:
Dear Carolyn,
I'm in a situation and I don't know what to do. I recently found out that I am pregnant. My bf of five years is not exactly jumping up and down, which yes, I guess I wish he was, but I understand why he's not. We are both 23. Neither one of us has finished college, and not sure we ever want to go back. He works but is not making much money. I work too, and right now am OK financially, however that could change since I work for my parents, and they will be unhappy (and that's an understatement) about this pregnancy. There is a real possibility I will lose my job and my apartment. My bf is not pushing, but has suggested abortion. I don't want to have one, but am feeling like I'm left with little choice. If I keep the baby it will mean looking for another job, which I have no problem doing, but who is going to hire me with no college and a baby on the way? If I go to an interview, do I tell them then that I am pregnant? I don't know who to call for information on programs that are in D.C. for someone who's in my situation. My bf thinks I'm being selfish for wanting to keep my baby, saying that its life will be hard. Sometime I think he's right, other times I think he's the one being selfish. We can't seem to talk about this without getting into an argument. Is there anything you can suggest?
Carolyn Hax: Adoption. Please consider it. It's win-win-win-win here (did I count all the wins?).
Of course, I don't expect you to say "okay!" and go off and arrange it. You need to get all the information on ALL of your options before you proceed with ANY decision--and to align your priorities correctly: 1. Baby's need 3. Your needs. 4. Father's needs 5. Else. (Yes, I do know how to count.) I am flying without my Rolodex today but The Women's Center in Vienna, Va. (it's in the book) can either provide counseling for you or refer you to someone near you.
Take a deep breath. You have many choices, and you're old enough and lucid enough to weigh them.
washingtonpost.com:
FYI: The Women's Center: (703) 281-2657; http://www.thewomenscenter.org/
Seattle, Wash.:
Answer online only please.
My boyfriend's parents came to visit him a few weeks for the Thanksgiving holiday. After going out with him for three years, I have yet to meet them because apparently they wouldn't approve of me (more specifically, of my race).
Lately it's really upsetting me that our relationship is being "swept under the rug" when it comes to his parents. They have no idea that I exist, or that their son is even going out with someone.
Do I have a right to be upset and hurt, or should I just leave this alone?
Also, this is a person that I would eventually like to marry, but I have a hard time believing this relationship is serious to him when he hasn't even told his parents. I havent brought the issue up in the past because I don't want him to be "disowned" by his family or anything, but inside it's tearing me apart and making me feel insignificant about myself and our relationship.
Thanks for your help!
Carolyn Hax: Oh, oh. Drop him. Now. Like a bag of dirt. If his parents dislike you because of your race, that's about them. If your boyfriend can't even face them when he's with you, that's about HIM. Unacceptable. Of course you feel insignificant--he's made it clear that if sharing you will be inconvenient for him, it's not worth it to him to try. Surely you value yourself too much to stand for that.
Fairfax, Va.:
Hi Carolyn,
Your latest article made me worry about my relationship -- or rather, made me worry about the fact that I sometimes have doubts about my relationship.
If you love your S.O., and are happy in the relationship, is it still "OK" to occasionally feel unhappy or frustrated? From the article, it sounds like you should just run from the relationship the minute you have a doubt. Can you occasionally feel annoyed or frustrated and still be in a "good" relationship?
Carolyn Hax: Whoa! My words have reached their torque limit.
Of course you can feel annoyed and frustrated and unhappy. The operative word in your question is "occasionally." When you and your somebody can work through the bad spells and emerge better for them--or if you can trace them to external factors that have nothing to do with each other--then, hey, that's a -great- relationship. I'mnot talking about happiness as a matter of day-to-day ups and downs. I'm talking overall well-being--honestly self-assessed, naturally ...
A guy's POV for somewhere in Maryland:
I was in sort of the same boat. I thought I had this great thing going with a girl and things got hot and heavy. Later she said she regretted it, and then she didn't want anything to do with me. This is just my opinion, but I would trade that night together for the opportunity to see her again in a heartbeat. I just wish I was smart enough not to have gotten so physical.
Oh well.
Carolyn Hax: Or that she were flexible enough to admit it was a mistake without also having to run away from it. (Assuming that's what happened.) Thanks for checking in.
Arlington, Va.:
To the person who had sex when she didn't mean to -- quick question -- whose idea was it to do the deed, and were you pressured/forced into this? Could it be possible that you had a case of date rape, but are afraid of the R word? They guilt your describing sounds like it could have been more than a case of bad judgment.If that's the case, D.C. Rape Crisis Center might be an option. Just a thought.
--Someone who's been there
Carolyn Hax: Another possibility, thank you for suggesting it.
Rockville, Md.:
Carolyn, I'm curious -- would your answer change any if instead of "he won't tell his parents because they'll disapprove of my race," it were "he won't tell his parents because we're gay"?
I know a lot of people (particularily in their early 20s) who are still closeted to their parents -- but at what point in a relationship do you think it becomes ridiculous to not be acknowledged as a partner?
Carolyn Hax: Actually, that's quite a different story, since a closeted person is hiding him/herself as well as the partner. It's certainly not ideal, but to my mind it's much more forgivable than this guy's the "Girlfriend? What girlfriend?" routine.
Washington, D.C.:
Do you think that if a person is somewhat ambivalent about having kids -- would be happy with life either way, that it means that they shouldn't be a parent? (I'm 30 and have been married for seven years) I love kids, babysit all my relatives and friends' kids. But I also really like my life as it is. Quality time with spouse, plenty of money, travel, hobbies. We've been trying for a while with no results. Wondering if it's some kind of sign. Basically trying to decide whether to pursue fertility treatments or not. The expense and heartache involved if I'm somewhat ambivalent. Help.
Carolyn Hax: Not to make this adoption day, but--why don't you keep trying the old-fashioned way, and if you find yourself still childless but no longer ambivalent about children, then start the adoption ball rolling? Given your ambivalence, and the frustration and expense that come with treatments, and what trying-trying-trying does to a marriage, and your toying with ideas of what's "meant to be," and all those little kids without homes, you strike me as a natural.
I was going to try not to touch the "they shouldn't be parents" issue, but y'know what? I should. So: Some of them probably shouldn't be parents, and some should, and not all who should or shouldn't will or won't. But at least you and others like you are giving it all kinds of thought, and that;s the best any of us can do in advance.
Lawyerdude, Washington, D.C.:
The pregnant 23-year-old asked you whether she should tell prospective employers that she is pregnant. Since this question comes up often, I thought I would chime in. In short: no. It is against the law for employers to consider your pregnancy in hire/fire/promote/salary/etc. decisions, so it is not relevant and should not be raised. Also, because it is unlawful for employers to consider your pregnancy, employers actually prefer that you not mention it.
One caveat -- AFTER being offered and accepting a job, you should then tell your employer about your pregnancy IF you need to be accommodated in some way to perform your job during your pregnancy (e.g., you are a cop, stuntwoman, construction worker, etc.).
Carolyn Hax: Thank you--I completely forgot she had asked that.
To Arlington, Va.:
Give your agenda a rest. You demean any self-respecting woman. It's your definition of "date rape" (when the woman says yes to the guy the night before, but no to herself the morning after) that makes a joke of yourself and a woman who was legitimately attacked by someone she knows. If it was rape, then it was rape, no qualifiers are necessary.
Carolyn Hax: Point taken--But:
Arlington, Va.:
With regards to question number two in today's session -- I hate to raise this, but could the person "Somewhere in Maryland" have been the victim of date rape? I'm generally not one to jump to such conclusions, but something about how she phrased things triggered that thought. Subtle notes like:
"Even told him I wanted to get to know him slowly, not get involved physically right away."
"it ended up being pretty awful and not what I wanted at all"
"I was terribly depressed Saturday and feel just awful."
"I don't want to see him again. I don't even know if he'll call. And frankly it's fine if he doesn't."
Also, "Somewhere in Maryland" notes that she "realized just a little too late." Last I understood, it's never too late to say "no." Did she convey this at the time of physical intimacy? If so, and he continued, sounds more and more nonconsensual to me.
BTW -- I'm not a guy-hating woman suspicious of all men. In fact, I'm a guy -- albeit one that's a bit perturbed at how the question was posed.
Carolyn Hax: It may be that the sex was consensual and none of this applies to Somewhere, but it's good stuff to think about nonetheless. Thanks, both of you.
Regretsville:
Hey Carolyn,
I'm getting married in a few months. I have never told my fiance about a one night stand I had in college because I am ashamed of the incident and have told myself that I can just pretend like it never happened. So my fiance thinks I've slept with x number of men when it is really x plus one (nice algebra, eh?). As the wedding approaches I am beginning to wonder if I should 'fess up. Also, I occasionally fear one of my college buddies might allude to it in front of my fiance, although I have asked them not to and so far they have complied (and who brings up a friend's past exploits in front of her husband anyway). What do you think?
Carolyn Hax: Redflagville: WHY is this such an issue, WHY are you afraid X is okay but X + 1 will be a dealbreaker? WHY are you so freaked that you had to go around to all your old friends and muzzle them? WHY are you marrying this guy when you think his approval is contingent upon your perfection--past, present and future?
When you screw up again, and you will, in Technicolor, because THAT'S WHAT HUMANS DO, the last person you want to fear is your own dearly beloved.
So, even though I loathe the whole concept of reporting your numbers to someone, in this case, yeah, I actually think you should fess up--fess specifically that you're torn up about saying X when it was really X + 1. See whether you're afriad of him for no reason, or if you;re about to be wed to a wank.
I disagree:
In a similar situation, except I'm the one with rotten parents. My S.O. has helped significantly on this issue -- just by telling me how important it is to her that I deal with the issue, which means standing up to my parents and defending our relationship. So, if you haven't yet told your S.O. that you're upset, you're not doing your share. Tell S.O. how you feel, and that you need to see S.O stand up for your relationship. If the answer is no, then you drop like a sack o' dirt. It's hard work, and not talking about it means you may not know [and s/he may not know] the potential is there to sort it out.
Good luck.
Carolyn Hax: I can't remember now if she had said anything to the BF about not wanting to be hidden, but you make a good overall point, even if she has spoken up: You can't get mad at the hiding when you've condoned it all along. The tango theory. Thanky.
Bethesda, Md.:
Carolyn --
Adoption is NOT for those who aren't sure if they want children. The process is as trying (if in different ways) than fertility treatment. I've done both. Everyday, prospective parents have to reaffirm their decision to pursue either path. This stuff isn't for the faint-of-heart.
I don't care if you post this, please just read it and think.
Carolyn Hax: Maybe I'm being defensive, but I don't appreciate being accused of not thinking. Especially when this is what I posted: "... if you find yourself still childless but no longer ambivalent about children ..."
I think that's it for today. Thanks, all, and type to you Friday.
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