Carolyn Hax (The Post)

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Tell Me About It
Hosted by Carolyn Hax
Washington Post Staff Writer
Monday, Nov. 19, 2001; 3 p.m. EST

Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.

Appearing every Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ฎ offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 30-something repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that’s about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.

The transcript follows.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

To read the most recent responses, click "Get New Responses" or select "Automatically Update Page."

Anywhere, Anystate: Last year, around this time, I introduced my parents to my then-boyfriend. We were JUST boyfriend and girlfriend, no other plans. We were living in different cities. But I liked him a lot as a person, and wanted them to meet up. When I came home for Thanksgiving, my parents said NOTHING about him, until I asked. They immediately let loose with an argument that he "wasn't good enough for me." (I had told them a good deal about his past -- he was raised next to projects, but made it into a really good college and is now in grad school; my last boyfriend was quite wealthy.) In the end, there was the ever-so-subtle mention that their real quibble was that he was brown and I'm not. Needless to say, I was angry. We sort of resolved things last Christmas -- my parents apologized, but I'm still hurt, and feel like I saw a side of my parents that no apology will erase. Since, I've had a real problem sharing elements of my life with them -- especially information about who I'm dating. I see this as a self-protective measure -- I can't deal with any more critiques. My parents say I'm "holding back." Any advice on dealing with this? Happy Holidays, eh?

Carolyn Hax: Hey, they're giving you an opening to talk about it--things could be much worse. Now all you need to do is get straight in your mind what "it" is--are you holding back because you are disenchanted with them, having seen their true colors, or because you fear their criticism?--and then present it to them. Yes, mom, dad, I am holding back. Last Christmas did some damage. Let them respond to it.

BTW, I'd drop the "can't deal with" phrasing. Of course you can. You just don't -want- to, right?

Law student from last week: Awck! I just typed out a whole question and then it disappeared while I was talking to someone. Guess I waited too long.

Anyhow, I'm the law student from last week. I thought you might want to know that I actually PASSED the bar. Yippee! So you were right. All that worry ahead of time was unnecessary.

Thanks for your help calming me down last week.
A.S.

washingtonpost.com: Yay! Congratulations! -- Lisa.

Carolyn Hax: Ditto!

But one quibble--even if you had failed, the worry ahead of time still would have been unnecessary.

Boston, Mass.: Would appreciate your view on a "philosophical" relationship question.

To make it short -- where is the fine line between making yourself too available to someone you really enjoy hanging out with and but not being taken for granted? Does supply and demand apply in this case (more valuable when in less supply) or should you rather not spend a lot of time with someone who seems to value more highly, make more efforts for people that are harder to track down and get together with? Since applying the rules of supply and demand suggests playing games, how do you avoid falling onto the category of being too available (even though you have a very full and busy life) without reducing yourself to playing games?

Carolyn Hax: That's a tough read for a pre-holiday Monday.

1. Relationship supply and demand is basic. You give people as much attention as you want to give them, and when they give you the signs that you're overdoing it, you back off.

2. Games suck.

Memphis, Tenn.: Been dating a wonderful woman. We finally had sex last weekend -- or were about to -- when I couldn't physically perform. This has never happened to me before. I am extremely embarrassed. She said all the usual things -- "It's no problem," "happens to lots of guys," etc. but I can tell she was very disappointed. I feel humiliated.

Carolyn Hax: Oh, I feel your pain. Well, hers, I guess ...

Of course she was disappointed, and that's actually a good thing--you want her to have wanted it, right? It's the humiliation that doesn't that's a little out of place. It -does- happen a lot, especially when a "wonderful" new couple "finally" gets to that point. Sex right up there on the list of things that don't mix well with high expectations. (right up there with marriage, career and children. heh heh.) All you can do is try, try again--but this time, at least you now know that it can be not great and she'll still dig you. Onward!

Blues: When do I know whether to seek professional counseling? I get out of bed in the morning, and I make it to my job on time. I handle the requests at my desk. But everything is grey, and I'm just sad -- not just Sept. 11 shocked-and-sad, and not just failed-on-yet-another-first-date-sad, and not just I-never-see-the-sunshine-because-the-days-are-so-short-sad. Usually, I like my life, I like my job, I like being single and free to live my life as I please. Is this a rough patch, or a real problem. And does medication depression sweep down out of the blue? Thanks for any guidance.

Carolyn Hax: You seek professional counseling whenever you wonder if you should seek professional counseling. This is one of the things I see every day in this job that I Just Don't Get: the reluctance to get help. To me there is no decision to make here, you just do it, and stop doing it if it turns out not to have been necessary.Where's the down side?

Depression can drop in out of the blue, or creep up on you, or fade in and out, or introduce itself to you in high school and camp out until you're 40. It has many faces. As does medication--but if you go that route, don't expect sunshine and birdies upfront. Mostly what it does is lift the floor a bit, so you can get on with the stuff you need to get on with. Good luck.

Spring Break Mentality?: Carolyn --

Hello! Thanks for taking the question. I am 24 and am interested in a 24-year-old man who has led a pretty tame life, meaning no real crazy periods filled with wild spring break adventures. He's a very thoughtuful and contientious person. Here's my fear: that one day he will realize that he is missing this crazyness and go through some midlife crisis. I know I should trust his judgement, but it seems like all men need to go through life with the creed experience everything and live with no regrets, then settle down. Should he be doing this, or are some people just naturally more calm than me?

Carolyn Hax: Some people are just naturally more calm than you are.

There's no "all men" anything, beyond the Y chromosome and maybe a propensity not to know where stuff is around the house. At 24 a lot of people of either sex need to get their yayas out, or learn by trial and error, or whatever. But you can usually read it on them, either because their eyes are wandering or they're trying so hard to keep their eyes from wandering. If this guys strikes you as genuinely at peace, then it seems unfair, even presumptuous, to project various generalized needs on him.

Boston, Mass.: Carolyn,

I've gone out with a woman twice and on the second date we make out and enjoy each other. It seems that things are progressing naturally as there is mutual interest. She invites me to a party at her home and I accept the invitation. When I arrive, I find out she has a male friend visiting from out of town. I later find out from this guy himself that he's staying there with her! I went through the possible reasons why she let me into this embarrassing situation and concluded that she's an inconsiderate and immature person for not informing me beforehand about this other guy. I decide to nip it in the bud and not call her again despite her apparent uneasiness during the party and her desire for me to call her the following week. I learn through the mutual friend grapevine that this guy came unexpectedly that weekend and that she's not dating him or anyone else for that matter. But, I believe she still should've alerted me before the party or called me after to apologize. What do you think?

Carolyn Hax: I think you've left yourself little room to be more wrong. She had a houseguest. The houseguest was male. Big expletiving deal.

Wow.

Re: Memphis, Tenn.: Ay! The same thing happened to my last boyfriend and I a bunch of times when we were just starting out. If it makes you feel any better, I kind of took it as a warped compliment that he was so into me that he was having performance anxiety.

It got tons better eventually, if that helps!

Carolyn Hax: Go go go go !

For Memphis, Tenn.: Same thing happened with me and a new BF once.

We've been married for six months now. I sure can't complain about our sex life, either.

It's truly nothing to worry about. If she's into you, she's into you.

Carolyn Hax: That's what my mail says--I get this question a lot. Thanky.

Washington, D.C.: Carolyn --

Had an interesting conversation with my boyfriend this weekend. We were at a party with lots of mutual friends and spent the first hour and half apart. Once we got home, boyfriend seemed a bit withdrawn, sad. I asked him about it. He, with some prodding, said that there were a couple girls at the party that he thought were really cute and he was disappointed that he was "fantasizing" about them.

I responded that I thought it was perfectly normal that you could see someone that you were attracted to. In fact, healthy. The problem comes in when you do something about it. He didn't so, we have no problems. I did add, that in general, I don't want to hear about it though. Is that normal? Okay?

--wondering

Carolyn Hax: It all sounds normal, except for the fact that the BF didn't treat it as normal. I am as always loath to find problems where there aren't any (kind of like ambulance-chasing), but he should have been able to say, whoa, she's hot, and not miss a beat with you, since we all do that every time we see someone hot and happen also to be attached, so methinks (or at least mesuspects) somethign else is lurking...

Alexandria, Va.: Carolyn,

Why do you not "get" the reluctance to seek help? Your own profile says something like you would rather knit yourself a ladder of rat's hair to get out of the sewer rather than seek help from anyone. Just curious if you have had more recent and better experiences yourself with seeking professional help. If so, how did you break that barrier, which I think does inhibit a lot of people from seeking professional guidance.

Carolyn Hax: Good point, thanks for letting me make the distinction. The rat-hair-ladder reference is to help on day-to-day stuff, like, I don't know, fixing a doorknob or repairing a rift with a friend or getting my computer to work when it freezes. Ctrl-Alt-Del, I'll live.

When it comes to things that I'm not supposed to know how to fix, like my like health or my brakes or my disk drive, I place the call. To me depression--ie, a mood that is difficult and abnormal and doesn't respond to the usual bad-mood remedies--falls into the same category as a cough that you can't sleep and lozenge away. Again, there's no decision. Crying for a month, time for a phone call.

McLean, Va.: Carolyn,

My boyfriend just got accepted into the Peace Corps. (minutes ago) I know he is just running away from his problems. He's 30 and doesn't know what to do with his life so he figures the P.C. will make the decisions.

What do I say or do?

Carolyn Hax: Bye! Good luck! Hope you find yourself!




Maybe I'm missing something here, but isn't the P.C. a pretty damn impressive way to deal with being 30 and lost? Or is the question missing the part about your being angry at him, because settling down with you -isn't-what he wants to do with his life ... in which case, it's even better that he goes away. He's got to want it or, believe me, you don't.

Boston, Mass.: Houseguest follow-up. They were making out on the dance floor in the living room.

Carolyn Hax: And you didn't consider this information useful to my response.

---- brief intermission whilst adviser rubs face ----

Okay. This was not the way for her to get on your good side, and if you care not to see her again, I'm with you--but for the sake of argument, I think the bigger transgression was the failure to apologize. When you made out with her on Date 2, you both signed up for physical involvement before real emotional involvement, and whatever that entailed. In this case, that entailed visible evidence that you weren't exactly exclusive. Again, not a steller display on her part, but had she called you afterward and said something like--whoo, didn't mean to get carried away right in front of your face, I'm sorry--I might have been inclined to let it slide.

Washington, D.C.: Carolyn, doubtful bridesmaid-to-be from Sunday here. What if talking to her makes us so uncomfortable that this becomes a big deal? I'm thinking I should just suck it up until the wedding is over then slowly let things grow apart. I don't like scenes and issues.

Carolyn Hax: It already is a big deal, and it is an issue. What it isn't, no matter what, is a "scene." That's just an excuse to dodge honesty, which, yes, is hard. Can't be as hard, though, as faking interest for months on end.

Wheaton, Md.: Man borrows sister-in-law's car for a couple of days. Man returns car in good condition, but sister-in-law finds a pair of women's underwear in the car. She's nervous about telling her sister or confronting the husband. I say put the frillies in a bag, hand them to the husband and say simply, "I think you left these in the car," and nothing more. What do you think?

Carolyn Hax: I like it.

Carolyn Hax: Gosta go, but barring a run-in with a cement truck, I'll be back. Thank you and enjoy the breather this week, and remember to ignore whatever it is your relatives do that drives you up a tree because it really just doesn't matter. Okay bye.

washingtonpost.com:

That wraps up today's show. Thanks to everyone who joined the discussion.

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