Carolyn Hax (The Post)

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Tell Me About It
Hosted by Carolyn Hax
Washington Post Staff Writer
Monday, Nov. 12, 2001; 3 p.m. EST

Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.

Appearing every Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ฎ offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 30-something repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that’s about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.

The transcript follows.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

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Falls Church, Va.: Hi, Carolyn,

Financial problem here: husband has been down-sized and is taking it really badly. He has been saying stuff about how worthless he is and how there's no reason I should want him. I think he needs more help than I can give him, like a shrink. How do I get him to go?

Carolyn Hax: Ugh. I'm sorry, these standing-helplessy-by-while-someone-you-love-founders are always the hardest to answer, because we all know you can't ultimately "get" any adult to do anything (unless of course the legal use of force is somehow involved). You can give him information--try www.depressionscreening.org or http://www.intelihealth.com/specials/depression/--or you could set up joint counseling and work from there. Good luck with it, wish I could do more.

Providence, R.I.: I have a sticky holiday family problem. My girlfriend and I are having our first Thanksgiving at our new apartment and invited my parents to join us as well as some other friends. Then my girlfriend's brother called out of the blue and invited himself and his wife to our house not only for dinner (which would not be a problem at all and we would love to have them) but for the entire long weekend as well (Wednesday through Sunday). Both my girlfiend and I have been incredibly busy at work for the past few months and were looking forward to a few days R&R and cooking together rather than having to entertain family members for the entire weekend. These family members are the types that need constant entertainment and won't just disappear for an afternoon, plus they will get their feelings hurt easily if we asked them to stay at a hotel. Any solutions on the horizon or is this one of those "you have to put up with it" kind of scenarios? Am I just being selfish?

Carolyn Hax: No, it's one of those "Ask them to stay at a hotel" scenarios. If you want to protect your R&R, you have to set limits. I know--you ask them to stay elsewhere, and you hurt their feelings. But look at it this way. If they stay with you, they tax YOUR feelings. Why do their feelings have to prevail? Because they're bad sports about it? How fair is that? Be nice, be firm, be right. The rest will work out in time.

Washington, D.C.: My best friend from college (have become not as close since graduating a two and a half years ago) just got engaged. Her fiancee is from our same group of friends. The rest of us think its a horrible idea that they wed and don't believe they're doing it for the "right" reasons.

My problem is this: she's coming out to visit me next weekend. She confided in a mutual friend of ours that I wasn't as excited as she expected when she told me the joyous news. I don't know how to spend three days with her and deal with my feelings on this wedding. I know I can't change her mind on this issue, but if she asks should I just lie and tell her I'm happy, or should I take a more honest approach and tell her I think he's so the wrong guy for her? Help!

Where does a friend's responsibility lie? If he was verbally abusing her I would absolutely say something, but all of us just being sure they're not right for each other -- is that enough reason to open my big mouth?

Carolyn Hax: D.C., D.C., D.C. How many times has the Right Thing to Do started with, "Just lie and ..."? Of course, matchmaking by commmittee has its own problems, too, and you're right to question the value of group opinion.

See your friend, enjoy the visit, be the honest diplomat. If and when she asks your opinion of her marriage-to-be, just say you wanted to be more enthusiastic, but that X, Y and/or Z held you back. Just make sure X, Y and Z are factual reasons you suspect this might be a mistake, and not examples of fuzzy groupthink or cheap shots at the guy.

No Place: My long-distance boyfriend doesn't seem interested in anything I say or do. He doesn't ask me about what's going on in my life, he doesn't respond to my e-mails, he doesn't read anything that I recommend, even though he's an avid reader and I don't give him anything long. And yet, he planned a romantic weekend getaway for our recent anniversary. Something doesn't add up here. Almost everything points to him having lost interest, and if that's the case I'm going to break up with him. But then why the weekend? (The weekend felt good, but then right afterward he returned to his previous behavior.) Am I reading him wrong?

Carolyn Hax: Lots of things don't add up here. Like, what has been good about being with this guy the other 363 days of the year?

Pennsylvania: Help Carolyn! My friend asked me to be in her wedding this coming May. The problem is that the dress she selected only comes in sizes 2-16. I am a size 22. I know that two of the other girls (out of five) in the wedding already bought the dress, so picking another dress isn't that easy. Also, the bride loves the dress, I am assuming that she didn't know about the size issue. I refuse to wear a similar dress and stand out at the wedding. What should I do?

Carolyn Hax: Have you told her yet the dress doesn't come in your size? Sounds as if you're dreading steps 4, 11 and 17 when you haven't tried step 1 yet. Run it by her--matter-of-factly since it is in fact a fact--and see what happens.

Washington, D.C.: I usually go clubbing just for the fun of it, and don't much bother with picking up chicks. Last week though, I met a beautiful and interesting girl, and we exchanged numbers. I called her last night, and she told me that she had been raped later in the night at the club where we met.

Obviously, I've set aside my hopes for a romantic relationship with this girl. I know she's not ready for that. But should I still try to cultivate a friendship? How? She has good reason to be skittish about hanging out with some guy she doesn't know.

Is there anything I can do to help? Should I even try?

I also feel like a heel, because she got raped and, honestly, I'm upset largely because it ruined my plans.

Carolyn Hax: Well, that's ugly all around. Though I suppose you get points for honesty.

Unless you feel genuine compassion when you think about her trauma, then, no, you shouldn't try to be her anything--friend, boyfriend, whatever.

At the same time, calling her, hearing of her rape and then never calling again doesn't sound like a bag of grins, either. If you feel you have anything to offer HER by calling her, and if you feel you can stick with it through her inevitable rough spots, then call her. But before you do, I strongly suggest you call a rape hotline or crisis center to find out more or less what she's in for, and therefore what you're in for--and what a friend, especially a new one, especially a male one, can expect. The DC Rape Crisis Center is in the book.

Re: Dress problem: I had the same issue -- dress only came up to 16, I'm a 22. So, I had mine custom made -- yeah, it was a little more expensive, but it looked just like the other girls' dresses and I looked beautiful -- lots of people told me so! LOL

Carolyn Hax: Cool, thanks.

Reston, Va.: For the size 22 bridesmaid -- this happened to a friend of mine, and she was able to order the largest size and have it altered to fit. She might want to check this option out with the dress shop first. Could be a non-issue.

Carolyn Hax: Again, thanks.


I just realized this was bad issue-juxtaposition on my part, rape to bridesmaid dresses--my apologies.

Writing letters: Dear Carolyn --

I know the you generally say "burn the letter" for post-breakup jottings, but here's my scenario:

BF and I split five months ago. He may/may not have cheated, I'll never know becauce I no longer trust him (he was less than honest the last few months with me) but don't trust gossip either -- just know him well and he's acting guilty. Originally said let's be friends, have changed mind. He keeps e-mailing, I delete them, he waits a few days and e-mails again.

I don't want to see him face to face, he hurt me a great deal the way he handled the breakup (poorly, lots of blame games) plus then this maybe-cheated post-breakup news. I'm still hurt but I'm really sick of feeling angry, I just want to get on with healing and be able to trust my judgment again, but when he pops up, I start to feel angry again. If I wrote him a short letter to say that I'm hurt, I don't want a friendship with him, good luck in his new city and don't contact me any more because I'm not interested in his guilt games or ego-feeding, should I burn it? Or send it?

Carolyn Hax: Waiduhminnit. I'm not opposed to all post-breakup, written communication, across-the-board. All I've said is that the eight-page, wounded, gut-spilling ramblers tend to be looked back upon as unfortunate uses of stamps.

You want this guy to back off? Call/write/email him to say that you've changed your mind, you'd prefer not to have any contact.

California: Hello. I'm so nervous. I need some advice. I asked last Friday and now it's even closer. This Friday I get my bar results at 6 p.m. If I don't pass, I have no idea how to tell the law firm I work at. How do I tell them?

They've repeatedly said how useful I'll be as soon as I pass. I've been thinking about saying the following -- probably on their voice mail since they won't be there:

"Hi, this is ________. I got my results and didn't pass the bar. Please let me know as soon as possible what you intend to do about my job. Thank you."

Because I really don't want to spend all weekend wondering if I have a job and can pay my bills. I'd rather get all the bad news at once. What do you think? Bad move because it might lead them to think they should get rid of me? Argh. I'm so nervous.

How do I deal with those nerves? Nothing seems to distract me anymore!

Carolyn Hax: This hasn't even happened yet! You're worried about a weekend of stress, but actually it's at least 8 days of stress, and that's even if you ultimately pass.

This is out of your hands. Take a bubbly bath and read a bad novel and get yourself through the days. When it is in your hands again, all you can do is stand up straight and deal with it. Meaning, you show respect for yourself and for your firm. Meaning, not by VOICE mail.

Re: Rape Victim: Can I just say -- it seems a little odd to me that the person would be so forthcoming about a rape that happened, a day before(?) in a conversation with essentially a stranger. I'm not saying she's lying, and god knows everyone deals with this differently. But it just seems like a strange conversation to be having so soon after meeting someone.

Assuming its true, the guy is indeed in a tough spot. A relationship is going to be hard. On the other hand, blowing her off stinks too. Something tells me, though, that there's more here than meets the eye.

Carolyn Hax: I agree, it is odd, but who knows what happened to get them to that revelation point. Did he ask if she went somewhere else afterward, did she burst into tears, ... ?

Sex in the City Angst: Hi, Carolyn -- I'm wondering if you can tell me what the heck is wrong with me. I started dating a woman, long distance. Got engaged. Move in with her and within three months trouble was abrewing and I moved out. Started dating another woman, lovely in every way.

Within six months, I was already looking around and left her to date someone else. For the last year or so, I have been bouncing between the two -- whichever one I'm with, the other one looks better. Is it just that I shouldn't be with EITHER of them? The one I'm not dating right now is not giving me the go-ahead this time around, which just makes me want to be with her more.

Carolyn Hax: It is just that you shouldn't be with ANYBODY. Why this dogged pursuit of monogamy when you're obviously not prepared for it, for whatever reason? Back away slowly, learn to be solitary, get to know yourself.

Arlington, Va.: What's wrong with asking TODAY "What happens if I don't pass the bar exam?" That way, you know. No sense beating yourself up if getting fired isn't a possibility, and you can get a jump on job hunting if it is.

Carolyn Hax: Proactive if asked well, paranoid if not, but still not a bad idea. Thanks.

Anywhere, USA: Carolyn --

Legal recruiter here. The question about passing the bar -- she should check with the admin. manager in charge of attorney recruitment. Most likely, she will not lose job, but rather remain on the payroll as a law clerk until she does pass the bar. And this is usually kept as quiet as possible, with the proper designation on business cards, etc. -- that she is not liscensed to practice yet. Positive side -- her employer knows she's an assest, and might assist in helping her with preparing for the bar exam during round two.

Carolyn Hax: Thanky.

Me, Me, Me: Sorry, Carolyn, but any suggestions for me?

I am under multiple stresses in my personal life right now - mother, sister, death of a friend, etc. I am making the further error (maybe) of drifting back to a guy that I agreed "to be friends" with. He knows me well and has been very supportive.

I know I will benefit from some counseling, but I can't seem to make the calls. Just dialing the phone makes my heart pound and tears well up. (and trust me, I am not one of those southern belles who dab their noses with a cloth hankie -- I turn all red and puffy.) Two places I called only have appointments during the day. Impossible -- see above. Should I just float through and wait for the sunshine to come out? Can you make all the calls for me and set up some evening appointments? And is it bad to drift back to a nice guy during a hard time?

Carolyn Hax: Just make the phone calls and cry through them. (I did, and I did, if that's any consolation.) You can also try taking a shortcut and calling the professional association that oversees the type of therapist you want to see--say, the Am. Psychiatric Assoc., Am. Psychological Assoc., assoc. of Marriage and Family Therapists, etc., and ask for names of practitioners who keep evening hours. Hang in there, and don't beat yourself up over seeing that guy again. You do what you need to do.

Washington, D.C., Re: Rape: Thanks so much for answering my question.

Thanks too to Re: Rape Victim for expressing their doubts, but I just get the feeling of honesty. -shrug- It would take a long time to give enough background to explain it.

I do want to help her. I'll call D.C. Rape Crisis center and get a bit more info.

Carolyn Hax: Good good. I hope it works out.

Towson, Md.: I really don't like my in-laws to be and I have trouble getting excited about spending time with them. How to reconcile negative feeling about them with a strong love for my partner?

Carolyn Hax: "Getting excited about spending time with them" is setting the bar pretty high, dont you think? Anyway ... not liking them is a bummer, but it doesn't have to be a problem. The decisive element either way is your partner's relationship with his parents. Does he see their flaws, and would he understand your feelings? Or does he think they walk on water and assume you must clearly agree?

Austin, Tex.: How would your response to D.C. differ if the engaged friend already knew her friends weren't crazy about the match?

A dear friend of mine is teetering on the brink of proposing to his girlfriend, and she's perfectly nice girl. But he doesn't -like- her that much. The relationship has been tepid for years now, and when we hear about her, we hear about something annoying she does, or her exasperating friends, or how he's thinking about breaking up but it's hard to decide since she's so nice, etc etc etc. When I see them together, it's painful how much he isn't crazy about her.

I got married last year to the most amazing man in the world, and I want him to be as happy as I am, and he just -isn't-. He admits this, and said he wants to find love like that, but it looks like he's on the verge of giving up.

He knows I think he should cut the nice girl loose and find someone he's nuts about. He has since learned that a few other friends think so too. So -- if he calls and says they're getting married, do I leave it alone and congratulate him, since he knows my position and apparently has rejected it? Or ask him why he's settling?

Carolyn Hax: He knows, he knows. No need to keep backing over it.

Angry in California: Last night my boyfriend gave me an ultimatum. All my life I have had anger management problems, inherited from my father. I have gotten much better with age, but I still have flashes of irrational anger (often while driving), that tend to pass within five to 10 minutes. Last night, tired and cranky I snapped at my boyfriend and hung up on him after announcing that I was coming over since he wouldn't come to my place. When I got there (no longer really angry but still tired) he informed me that I have to modify my behavior if I want to stay with him. I have thought about going to therapy and trying Zoloft, which has done wonders for my dad, but my bf tells me he thinks drugs are a cop out. In a desire to go to bed and not argue anymore I told him I would work on it (he claimed he needs to believe I will work on it -- I asked if he wanted to go for a drive). But I woke up pretty angry this morning and I think for good reason. Are lovers supposed to give one another ultimatums? Why does he claim to want to be with me, yet want to change me? He says he doesn't understand why people have such a hard time with personal criticism, but I don't think I am alone in taking offense when someone tells me I have to modify my behavior.

I am thinking about just breaking it off with him right now -- love me as I am or leave me. I admit I have a problem, but I do not appreciate his method of dealing with it. Is he just an incredible jerk, or am I overreacting (I am in the habit of doing so obviously).

Carolyn Hax: Tough one, since you're both careening wildly from good points to bad. Your BF absolutely has the right to say that it's over if you don't deal with your problem because, hello, you DO have a problem. You admit it. You admit that you take it out on him. Why should he wait around so you can?

You, meanwhile, are right that friends/lovers shouldn't go aroubnd trying to change each other. But i think you';re wrong to apply that opinion here. What your BF is doing is not the same as teling you to stop being, I don't know, so upbeat and friendly everybody, or so dreamy and poetic. He's saying, I love you but you're damaged in a way that's affecting us both and that you need to fix. It's no different from depression or substance abuse or any other "behavior" that is also, rightly, a deal-breaker.

And, your line about "love me as I am or leave me"--isn't that kind of oh exactly what he's doing? He has given you notice that if you continue to embrace your rage as, "oh well, I'm just that way!" then he's outta there.

Last thing--he's so, SO wrong about meds. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he's just ignorant. But if you decide to get treatment and also try to stay with him, make is very clear to him that you are going to do what needs to be done to mend yourself, and you need him to do his part by not closing his mind upfront to any one form of treatment. He comes through for you this way, or you're outta there.

California -- law student: Thank you for answering my question. A bubble bath sounds good. I know you are right that I shouldn't worry about it until it happens but it is just really hard when it is going to have such a huge effect on my life to not worry about it (esp these last few weeks; I was pretty good at ignoring the worry the first few months).

What the legal recruiter said about the general policy at firms was also very reassuring. I didn't think I could ask ahead of time about what would happen if I failed because it would give the wrong impression but now I’ll just ask.

OK. Breathe. Thanks.

Carolyn Hax: You're welcome. And you know what? Things that are "going to have such a huge effect on [your] life" will be waiting for you around one corner or another for the rest of your life. (I think I can speak with some authority on this.) Dreading them, anticipating them, planning the way you'll react to them, trying to outmaneuver them--none of them means bleep. They will happen and you will manage to the best of your ability. You fail the bar? You cope. What choice do you have. You take it again/eat ice cream/find another job/have an epiphany and enroll in clown school. The only thing you can do, now, today, when the bad things aren't actually in progress, is enjoy the fact that they aren't.

Really Disappointed: You really missed the point in that first letter yesterday. Sometimes stock replies just don't fit, and what that person was dealing with was parents who are grappling with a fear that a LOT of us are dealing with right now, in the aftermath of Sept. 11. It's not a case of parents trying to control the daughter's life, it was VERY specifically related to fear of terrorist attacks, and your suggestion that she tell her mom to stockpile Spam was downright cruel.

Parents aren't the only ones dealing with this. I have my mom booked on an American Airlines flight for this weekend, and considering what just happened in New York City this morning, I'm struggling with fear right now.

You really ought to take the time to consider that issues that concern possible terrorist threats and the fear that accompanies the possibility may need just a LITTLE more thought than you put into that one.

Carolyn Hax: I put a lot of thought into that answer. You simply disagree with it, which you're welcome to do.

I am heartsick anew at this morning's events.

If I had tickets today, on American, I would fly.

Carolyn Hax: I've tortured Lisa enough. Thanks, everybody, and type to you Friday.

BTW, if you guys know the people who keep submitting "why are you so slow" complaints, would you please slap them silly? I am SLOW. I read. I think. I type badly. I back out of questions halfway through writing an answer because I don't like what I;m saying. I struggle to comprehend people who keep signing on to something they hate.

Okay, thanks again, gnight.

washingtonpost.com:

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