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Tell Me About It
Hosted by Carolyn
Hax
Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, Nov. 9, 2001; Noon EST
Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.
Appearing every Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ® offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 30-something repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that’s about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.
The transcript follows.
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Carolyn Hax: Hi guys. With the recent Mom thing, Murph thing and that pesky godlessness thing (which I first brought up a looong time ago, by the way), on top of the four-times-a-week gut-spill that is Tell Me About It, you’re now in possession of more of my inner life than I care to think about unmedicated. On the one hand, you guys get to release your demons anonymously; I’ve got my name and sort-of likeness hanging over mine. On the other hand, I presume to advise you on some pretty heavy life stuff, which does put my own life in play. In between these two is a space I’m going to try really really hard to navigate tastefully today -- and, I’ll be honest, bearably -- as I drop another me-bomb:
Nick and I are splitting. Only as married people, though, and amicably -- as Zuzu’s owners, as Tell Me About It’s “parents,” as irreplaceable friends, we’re still humming along, in some ways better than ever. Except for being sad as hell.
This has been in the works for a while, obviously, since I’m presenting it as a fait accompli; I simply waited to share until all the decisions were made. I’m not going to get into details but I will say I’ve known this was coming long enough to be quite certain that I don’t want to be having this e-conversation with all of you about such a deeply private agony -- and also quite certain that I have to. This will come out somewhere, someday, somehow, and how bleepy would it be, for all of us, if you thought I was railing away about your personal failings, all the while furtively painting over mine.
So, here’s my failing. Well, one of my failings. The latest.
And here to defend my honor is Nick himself, who asked to be online with me to talk about this. If you have something to say to him, or me, or both of us, fire away. Or if you want, ask Nick something about cartoons; he’s been meaning to come online for a while now anyway. (I hope he will again, too, under less rack-and-thumbscrewish circumstances.) Or send the usual stuff about you or each other or shoes. I hope to get to all that soon, because the alternative is my talking about myself for an hour. Oy.
Manassas, Va.: I'm so sorry about you and Nick. Hope you feel better soon.
Carolyn Hax & Nick Galifianakis: Thank you. We're trying.
Madison, Wis.: Nick, I love your cartoons, but the online articles don't always include them.
Any chance you'll be publishing a "collected works" soon, so those of us outside the Beltway can enjoy all your work?
Nick Galifianakis: A collected works in the future. Thanks.
Wow: It's amazing that you have been sitting here for weeks listening to other people's crap and meanwhile you have this drama going on in your own life. I'm sorry to hear about it but hey, as you always say, sometimes things don't work out and you guys seem to be handling it really well.
Is everything going to stay the same in regards to the column and the cartoons? I was always wondering what happened first, you two meeting or the cartoons?
On a separate note, maybe this means that we'll see you out more as you jump into single life again...
Carolyn Hax: Hey, we all have our stuff to deal with, and we all keep doing our jobs. I don't know that everything we've done to handle this has been perfect. But, again, we're trying. Thank you so much.
As for the column, it's happy business as usual.
Nick Galifianakis: Thanks for the sentiment, and Carolyn is not going to have a single life.
Carolyn Hax: See? See what I put up with all those years?
Carolyn Hax: That was a joke of course.
Nick Galifianakis: See what I've been putting up with? They're all conspiring against me.
Catch Up: Carolyn, I'm sorry to bring up an obviously painful subject, but I think I missed most of the news about your mom, could you please fill me in?
Carolyn Hax: My mom has ALS, more commonly known as Lou Gehrig's disease.
Checking the jealousy meter: Hey Nick, you busy next week Friday? Wanna have a drink with me?
Nick Galifianakis: Friday, 8'clock, at Tako in Bethesda. I won't be there, but the sushi is excellent.
Carolyn Hax: See? See what I put up with all those years?
Carolyn Hax: Yes, he's free.
Washington, D.C.: Carolyn, what thoughts have you been thinking about how this split might affect your role as advice columnist? I mean, on the one hand, people don't want to be talked to be someone so perfect and spotless that they come across as all holier-than-thou and set an example that few mere mortals could live up to, Martha Stewartesque. On the other hand, though, people want advice from someone who, despite some flaws and failings, gets all the big things as right as humanly possible. Have you worried that by coming out publicly with this split news that some people may no longer look to you as having the same credibility when it comes to giving advice on relationships? Thanks.
Carolyn Hax: I have thought SO much about this. And fretted, and decided not to fret, and gone back to fretting. Here's what I've come to so far: Nick and I had a great run, if a flawed one, and, if he doesn't mind my speaking for him, I think we both can trace some of the qualities we like most about ourselves to the time we spent together. The reason we're parting ways is that our two personalities may like each other, but they don't do well together in tight spaces. I think we both sensed this early on, but I -- and I do blame myself for this one -- naively thought that love would take care of the differences. I've grown up a lot since then (no doubt I still have a ways to go). At this point, I hope people will accept this development for what it is: There was a problem, and we worked like dogs to fix it, and ultimately we did.
Nick Galifianakis: I think Carolyn can speak for me on this, because I agree 100 percent with what she just said.
As far as the not doing well together in tight spaces, I offered to move to Arizona. If you've ever seen my wife's skin, you'd know she couldn't handle it.
Nick Galifianakis: As for coming out publicly with the "split news," the truth is, we're human beings, we're private people first. And we're public after that. And by conducting our private lives with integrity, I think we fulfill any public obligations we may have.
Washington, D.C.: I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. How did you guys decide who gets to keep the dog?
Carolyn Hax: Nick and the Boo have a special bond, so there was never any debate.
Of course, she's snoring on -my- floor right now ... the custody arrangements are loose.
Washington, D.C.: Not that I know you, but several of my friends now have split while remaining the closest of friends. I just don't know how they do it -- it sounds so hard, almost impossible to me. Is it just sad sad sad, or easier that way?
Carolyn Hax: Actually, Nick and I just talked about this last night, that it seems almost easier to pick fights and vilify each other, because then you don't have the extra pain of knowing that you're hurting someone you love. It seems like a kind of denial, whereas friendship demands that you feel the whole range of feelings.
Nick Galifianakis: Our respect for each other makes it easy to hold on to the good things about our relationship. We like each other -- we would have liked each other under any circumstances, I believe.
Nick Galifianakis: In some ways, Carolyn is the man I always wanted to be.
Carolyn Hax: See? See what I put up with all those years?
washingtonpost.com: I feel I'm hosting a very special "Blossom." -- Lisa.
A dreary California to match the mood: C: I can't help but to feel like I've been hit in the gut re: your news. Firstly, I'm very sorry for both you and Nick. Secondly, what do you say to those of us out here who kind of looked to you as the woman with the answers -- doling out advice and having her life/relationships together as we struggled with our own. If you can't do it, how do we/I?
Best to you both.
Carolyn Hax: This is an answer like any other, isn't it? The ideal outcome isn't always to preserve every relationship. As for your disappointment, I'm sorry; there's nothing I can do about that.
Nick Galifianakis: Who would you rather have leading you into battle? The novice West Point graduate or the grizzled, battle-hardened warrior? (Pause) You owe me, Carolyn.
Carolyn Hax: You owe ME. You almost wrote "grisly."
Nick Galifianakis: That's right. I meant grizzly.
Like a bear.
Metro Center, Washington, D.C.: Carolyn and Nick,
Your column, chats and cartoons helped me get over my own divorce recently. We split up amicably, and have remained friends (although things have been complicated by us dating others). You'll both survive and life will go on -- best of luck to you.
My question: is anybody moving out of town, state, country? I've noticed that among my separated/divorced friends, one person or the other invariably ends up taking a year long trip to Europe, goes on an internship in another city, or moves back to their hometown for awhile.
Carolyn Hax: Thanks for the happy thoughts, and I'm glad we could help with your stuff.
To answer your question, I've already relocated -- as I mentioned on Monday. Back to New England for me.
Washington, D.C.: Can totally understand if you don't want to answer this, but lately you've become big advocate of friendship before relationship-pursuing. So, is this coming from your personal experience, as in, if the two of you had been friends before, things might've turned out differently?
Carolyn Hax: No, that's okay, I'll answer. You;re right to trace this to my experience, because I think, had Nick and I been friends before we were a couple, we might have been more objective about our differences and what they might mean for us. However: Someone else asked what we'd do differently, had we all this to do over again, and I can honestly say I wouldn't want a do-over on marrying Nick, even in light of this painful end. I really like my life the way it is, and I wouldn't have it without him. Period.
Nick Galifianakis: As far as how things may have been different, I don't know that that matters right now. Would I trade the intoxicating but crazy-in-love feeling for a drier, more objective approach? I don't think so.
Interesting...: It's all fun and games on here now. Just wait till one of you sleeps with another person. Then let's see how friendly you are to each other.
Carolyn Hax: I don't see why it needs to be a problem when we both know it's inevitable. I think we also both agree that from now on, part of each of our lives is now private.
Nick Galifianakis: We've already had bigger things to deal with than that, and we've come through them just fine.
Nick Galifianakis: Is that all you can think about? Sex? How can you think about sex at a time like this?
Sorry about the break-up: Who gets custody of Lisa?
Carolyn Hax: Nick.
Nick Galifianakis: Carolyn.
Carolyn Hax: You know, you guys are being really great about this. Thank you.
Nick Galifianakis: You guys are being really great and understanding, particularly about how difficult it is to share your personal problems publicly.
Nick Galifianakis : That's it from me. Thank you again. You're all swell.
Lefty Righty: So -- what kind of shoes do you wear in a time like this?
Carolyn Hax: Are you kidding? Fuzzy slippers. Big ones.
Carolyn Hax: Actually, I was kidding about moving on to the regular questions. I'm beat. Obviously this thing grew beyond the borders I had envisioned for it, but you guys were asking thoughtful questions and we wanted to answer them. Lisa says she can resubmit all the question-questions into Monday's discussion, so if you sent one in, there's no need to re-send it.
So, goodbye from me, goodbye again from Nick--whom people can always email through me, by the way, if they'd like, at tellme@washpost.com. And a big, HUGE thank-you to Lisa, for taming this three-headed beast.
Have a great weekend everybody. I think I will. Thank you, again.
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