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Tell Me About It
Hosted by Carolyn
Hax
Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, Oct. 26, 2001; Noon EDT
Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.
Appearing every Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ฎ offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 34-year-old displaced New Englander and eight-year newspaper veteran with still-married parents, three older sisters, a mad-artist husband and way too many shoes. Her "expertise" (she added the quotation marks, we didn't) is in bad dates, school pressures, strict parents and dubious decisions, and she specializes in stupid teenage stunts, which she likes to call "learning experiences."
The transcript follows.
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Someplace USA:
Carolyn
Sending this way early, hoping for a response.
There's a woman in my office who is a real thug to work with. She's arrogant, pedantic, and capable of unleashing verbally on others, particularly people below her on the pecking order. It's not just that I don't like her; she's inflicted professional damage on some people in the office with her brutality. Also, she looks like the Queen of Hearts from Disney's Alice in Wonderland ("Off with their heads!")
Here's the issue: Good news, she's leaving the office! Bad news, some folks here are planning a good-bye party for her, for reasons I can't fathom. The party will be held here in our office, so it's not like I could just get lost on the way to the restaurant or something.
The question is whether to go or not. I do not want to attend this party, as I don't want to dignify this person's presence in the office by showing up and pretending to make nice for an hour or two. However, one must sometimes be concerned about appearances, and my absence would likely be noted by the higher ups. I don't think my absence would be held against me in any way, but going to these things become part of the office culture/expectation.
Anyway, what would you do in this situation?
Thanks.
Carolyn Hax: If you go, no one has to know that you're actually there to celebrate the fact that she's leaving. Unless someone stands close enough to hear you humming, "Ding dong the witch is dead," discreetly under your breath.
Maryland:
My husband and I have been married a few years and have a child. My husband told me he is gay. He says it is more than attraction to men, it is cultural and he has more in common with gay men than straight men. Says he loves me, is attracted to me and wants to stay married. I know there are no guarantees, but I am confused and have my doubts. Any thoughts? Anyone out there in a similar situation?
Carolyn Hax: What's to be confused about? He wants to have it all--home, family, "family," his cake. Now you have to decide how much of a sacrifice of your life/happiness/needs you would have to make to accommodate him, and whether you're willing to make it. I know what the answers would be for me (huge; hell no but, hey, thanks for asking), but you have to think hard about your life and you child's, and assemble your own answers.
Middle America:
So who do I need to thank in writing after being a guest at a wedding? I was fed well all weekend, received a great gift at the rehearsal dinner (as a groomsman), and got to spend a weekend with my best friends, and I feel I should express my appreciation to someone. Bride's parents, groom's parents, bride and groom?
Carolyn Hax: (Note to readers: No, I don't have his email address.)
Hello you well-raised man you. Okay. Technically you don't need to thank anyone, but who cares about technically when there's warmth and gooodwill that should be encouraged. I'd say three notes (I'll give the traditional division of monetary labor in parentheses, but you should ask the couple before you send anything because there aren't any rules): one to the host of the rehearsal dinner (groom's parents), one to the host of the wedding (bride's parents), one to wish the couple well and to say hey, great wedding, thank you. You'll probably need to call your friends for the parents' addresses anyway, so you can confirm who did what then.
Question to Peanuts and their leader:
I have found my reaction to watching the news amazingly dehabilitating emotionally. I find myself worried, drained and also nervous and on edge. I stopped watching the news and limited myself to reading the paper and that is it. Do you believe I am being foolish in avoiding this? Does anyone else in the 'nuts feel like the news has become too much?
Carolyn Hax: I'm not sure there's anything wrong with shutting out news completely--other than making one a less-than-stellar citizen--so I'm certainly not going to criticize you for limiting your sources of information to ones with depth vs. noise. The repetition, the alarmist tone, the relentless "crawl" at the bottom of the screen, I agree it gets to be nerve-racking stuff after a while. Like, a minute. Let that Self-Flagellation Society membership lapse, might help with the anxiety thing.
Washington, D.C.:
To the women whose husband just came out to her: There's two resources you oughta check out. One is a book called "The Other Side of the Closet," which deals with being a spouse or family member of somebody who comes out. The other is P-FLAG, Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays -- a support and activist group with lots of resources for people like you. www.pflag.org
You are not alone, and there are lots of things you can do to learn more before you make your decisions. Good luck.
Carolyn Hax: Thank you, I've had that book brought to my attention before but have not read it.
Virginia:
Hi CH and Lisa!
This morning you answered a question from someone who's guy seemed willing to give a carte blanche to her "cheating." I have heard this nonsense before -- from guys who want to come across as hip and modern. In my experience, most would blow a gasket if they were ever taken up on it. It is entirely possible that this is just big talk. Think he might be bluffing?
Carolyn Hax: Always a possibility. Pretty moronic strategy though.
Virginia:
Dear Carolyn,
My problem is that I am engaged to be married next year and I still have crushes on maybe 30 other guys.
I love my future husband a lot, but it seems like just about every time I meet another guy, I start to fantasize about him. And I think it's getting worse since I got engaged.
To give you an idea, my list of crushes includes, but is not limited to: a few movie stars (NOT Russell Crowe), my pharmacist, the boy in the cubicle next to mine, my husband's business partner, my boss, the photographer who we hired to shoot the wedding, this guy who came over to try to sell me vinyl siding.
Ever since I was little I've been a little boy-crazy. Unfortunately, I'm not so great with guys in real life, so while I've had maybe a dozen boyfriends in my life, the vast majority of my romances have taken place entirely in my imagination. Do you think that crushes should go away once you settle on "the one"?
Carolyn Hax: No, the occasional crush can be a healthy, presence-of-functional-nerve-endings-reaffirming thing.
Belief in the concept of "the one," I'm not so sure about.
And 30 crushes while engaged and coming off a history of bad connections to men? That makes me believe in therapy. I would strongly suggest you spend some time getting to know yourself and your emotional/behavioral patterns a whole lot better before you combine them with somebody else's.
Speaking of wedding responses:
I am guilty of having not sent out all of my thank-you notes from our wedding in late June. Have I completely violated the bounds of common courtesy, or is there some hope left if I get them in the mail soon?
Carolyn Hax: It doesn't matter now, just get the things in the mail.
Washington, D.C.:
What are your feet going to wear on Halloween?
Carolyn Hax: Fuzzy slippers. I stay in.
Berkeley, Calif.:
Carolyn --
Long story short: Woman falls hard for man who does not return feelings. They have many mutual friends and so woman works hard to be friends. On the periphery of the mutual friends is very good friend of woman. Friend and man hook up, woman takes it hard. Friend and man break up, friend takes it hard. Woman and man are still friends, friend occasionally drops hints to find out if woman and man are hooking up. Woman is tired of listening to this fear as it is bed friend made for her self -- your thoughts?
Thanks.
Carolyn Hax: Advice columnist finds story annoying and hard to follow, but will venture that woman should just bring topic out into the open next time friend drops one of her silly infantile hints. Otherwise someone might be reduced to passing notes in class and woman can't let it come to that.
Falls Church, Va.:
Whoa. About the woman married to a gay guy: well, if he's "attracted" to her and sexually active with her, he's got at least a bit of bisexuality in him, so maybe he simply made the choice to put his sexuality into his relationship with his wife, not men. And where did it say that he wants to go around being sexually active with other people (men OR women)? If he's married and wants to stay that way, seems he's made a vow to stay faithful to her; and if he's now saying that he wants to stray, then I'd agree with you she ought to work on a breakup. But if he just happens to be attracted to other men, no acting on it, maybe this is something that they ought to work on as a part of their relationship. I (male) happen to be attracted to women, although I'll never act on it, and my wife doesn't mind that at all.
Carolyn Hax: Good point, thanks. It did sound as if the husband planned to act on his homosexuality, but you're absolutely right that the wife should establish what exactly the husband plans to do about his extramarital feelings before she makes her decision. I just hope he's honest with her; I've read too many stories of people who answer that question with what they feel they should do, and maybe even what they -want- to do, but not with what they actually go out and do.
Washington, D.C.:
Hi Carolyn! I hope you can help. Sister's pregnant, she's demanding things of people, just not me yet. Example -- mom can never smoke around the baby or even go outside while it's sleeping because she will smell like smoke. Fine, I understand it's her kid and she calls the shots, but if you don't do what she says, then you will never see the kid. Flashback to her wedding a few years ago -- I threw her a bridal shower, very nice gifts for shower and wedding, etc. Very minimal appreciation.
Baby shower soon. But when the baby comes, what is proper etiquette (and can this etiquette be swayed because of past offenses?) of visiting her in hospital? Baby's due right before Xmas, so can I see it then?
Also, next time she shows no appreciation or acts bitchy, any smart remarks to get my point across? Thanks!
Carolyn Hax: Ugh, I thought established this isn't a smart-remarks drive-thru. SAY what you have to SAY, okay? "You make a lot of demands of me, and it hurts me when you then show little or no gratitude for what I do."
As for her demands of people who aren't you, they really aren't your problem. Especially when your sister is absolutely friggin right--NO ONE should smoke around BABIES, AAAGH. Not even around children. (Not even around adults, but they have more room-leaving options.) If it bugs you that she pushes your mom around in general, you can always say, "Hey, lay off mom, she's trying." Or you can let your grown-woman mom fight her own battles.
As for when you visit momma and baby, go when you want to and can. Unless you "want" to choose a time that best satisfies your grudge-holding needs. if you've got a problem withe her, either address it or start accepting that she's your sister and you won't always like what she does and you just have to deal with her on terms you can stand.
Should I feel amazing sparks?:
I meet guys and sometimes there are HUGE sparks and amazing connections, this is very very very extremely rarely (I am talking like four guys in my life and I am 24) And I now find it hard to go on dates with guys just to "see what is there." I feel I click in the first 15 minutes usually. My friends say I am eliminating an entire realm of possibilities. Am I?
Carolyn Hax: Wow. Yes. How could you not be with a 15-minute clock running at all times? Check out Tuesday's transcript (right?), and also think about the -range- of connection you're looking for. I'm not saying you can't get ever get an accurate gut reading of someone in 15 min.; certainly, you can figure out that, yes, this person is offensive/not too bright/not much of a talker/whatever. But if you're just measuring for attraction, you could be passing up people you might like a whole lot, just to hang out with, and with whom you could develop a much better grounded, longer-lasting, ultimately sparkier attraction.
So now I'm curious about those magic like-four guys. What came of them?
NW Washington, D.C.:
I have a jealousy problem. I work with my boyfriend. He is friends with A LOT of women, and talks with them via e-mail or on the phone all day long. Yet, if I e-mail him, he doesnt even answer me back, and if he does, its three words: "Just one sec." How do I find out why he feels comfortable conversing with all these other women, but not me?
Carolyn Hax: Ask him.
washingtonpost.com:
FYI, here's Tuesday's transcript, and before you yell at me, it's in the archive. -- Lisa.
Greensboro, N.C.:
Hi Carolyn,
I thought you might be interested in some follow-up. Weeks ago I wrote about my broken engagement and feelings that had developed (mutually) for my former fiance's best friend. I was racked with guilt, we had decided not to see each other at all, and half of our friends were absolutely furious that it had happened at all. After months of being miserable, I felt so reassured by your advice to get over the friends' judgments. We are dating now and so happy, and it's taught me an awful lot about who my real friends are. One friend just refuses to speak with me, and I realize if it wasn't this scenario, something else down the road would have shown me that she was more judgment and less unconditional love. It's been tough and it's a daily struggle (I miss some of those friends), but I feel like I'm doing the right thing for me. You had added at the end of the chat that an amazing number of people replied that I should go for the relationship -- you also added that you'd probably get crap for supporting the relationship. I just wanted you to know that I've taken a lot of crap, but it's working out. Sometimes standing up for ourselves and what we believe in is the hardest part of making a decision.
All the best.
Carolyn Hax: To you, too, thank you. I'm sorry about your friends. It does seem as if you're being judged harshly for feelings you came by honestly, but just in case there's more to the story: Have you considered a letter to the non-speaking one? NOt a defense of your decision, just a please-let's-talk-about-once-this-before-we-give-up missive. Nothing to lose, right?
Perplexed in Washington, D.C.:
Why does my gorgeous, smart, successful and FUN friend spend all her energy worrying about the guy of the moment or lack therof? I know it's easy for me to say "Don't worry, you're fabulous and someday someone great will realize this" because I am attached, but it really makes me sad to see her get hurt and depressed over men that, frankly, are mostly not good enough for her. She has many, many great friends and a far better social life than I do. I know she wants to find someone special, but she tends to get a little obsessive with anyone halfway promising and it seems a bit unhealthy. Advice?
Carolyn Hax: Question for you: Do you see how greatly you are feeding into her mindset, and that buy into it yourself, and you're simply not manifesting it the same way she is because you're (wincewincewince) "attached"?
She's worried about the "guy of the moment" because she's intensely worried about the "guy of her life," as you seem to be, and neither concern is doing either of you any favors. Frankly, if "Don't worry, you're fabulous and someday someone great will realize this" is the way you really respond to dating woes, you're lucky you've never gotten a one-finger farewell. The only special someone you're guaranteed to live with is yourself, and she needs to hear that, as do you, I suspect.
Carolyn Hax: I guess my anti-pissyness meds wore off.
Carolyn Hax: That attitude just gets me really [bleeping] [cheesed].
Speaking of engagement rings:
Your column today got me thinkin'. While the idea of wearing a shiny little token of my guy's affection (and promise) appeals to me, I do have to wonder why the fiancee is traditionally the only one who has to show she's spoken for (I liked your "cattle brand" analogy). Until they marry, she just has to trust her fiance to tell other women "no thanks, I'm engaged."
Is this fair?
Has anyone found a way to make it more fair?
Carolyn Hax: If pretty rings looked good on guys, I imagine this door would swing both ways, so the engagement-ring concept doesn't alarm me across-the-board (though, full disclosure, if I were to go that route again, I wouldn't want one). That particular question, though, did set off my skeez alarm, since he was trying to force one on her. It was either the cattle brand or I suggest he pee on her leg.
Anti-pissyness Ward:
Give me a bunch of daisies, stat!
Carolyn Hax: Too late for that last one, but thanks!
Washington, D.C.:
Has NW considered that her boyfriend isn't e-mailing her because she's RIGHT THERE.
Carolyn Hax: Crossed my mind, but I think we need to encourage her to seek information from its proper source.
Los Angeles, Calif.:
Hi Carolyn,
You hear from a lot of people with symptoms of depression, so I thought you might be able to give me some idea here.
I've been seeing a guy for a few months. I like him because he's brilliant, responsible, flattering, etc. I was thinking of breaking up with him for a reason completely unrelated to him; however, just last week he went into a serious funk. He talks about how nothing is going right for him, how everything is too difficult and life isn't fair, how he doesn't feel like cleaning up his apartment (which is beyond the pig-sty stage), etc. He was not like this before. He seems to enjoy my company still. I take him food, I help him clean, and give him support, but he told me straight out that he doesn't want to talk about his problem with me (which hurts). I feel like I'm getting a lot of attitude (and no gratitude) that I don't deserve, but I'm scared of leaving him alone. I can't imagine him talking to a professional about this. What are my obligations here? I care a lot for him but I think I need to move on.
Any ideas?
Thanks. (online only, please)
Carolyn Hax: I think you need to move on, too, because you were planning to already. Would you want someone sticking around just because he was afraid to dump you?
Also, you need to take care of yourself. I think it's great you've been willing to help him, but unless he's going to make even a minimal effort to meet you halfway, you're just going to wind up angry and depleted--like you're sounding right now--and he won't get any better.
Still, he sounds awfully shaky. The most compassionate course of action might be to gather resources for him--names of counseling centers, a crisis hotline number--and to tell him you feel you're making it easier for him not to deal with this and therefore ultimately not helping. Before you do anything, though, you might want to talk to a pro yourself--they can be very reassuring when explaining why it's necessary to cut ties like this, and helpful in showing you how.
Perplexed demands equal time:
Wait just a darn second! I am -not- obsessed with my relationship. I have a life and a job that I greatly enjoy, thank you. That was point about my friend -- she has all these other great things going on but yet still focuses on the man, or no-man.
And, no, I am always much more sympathetic that the "don't worry..." and am happy to listen to dating woes til the cows come home. But I just see friend in pain, and am trying to figure out how to help.
Carolyn Hax: Fair enough--I didn't mean to suggest you were man-obsessed, just that you were underscoring, through your perspective and unfortunate choice of words, that being paired off was the way to be when in fact this friend's problem seems to be that being single is not, in her eyes, an acceptable way of life. The best way for you to help her might be to pay attention to those word choices and reassurances, and take care not to validate her self-loathing by being so skewed toward couplehood.
Washington, D.C.:
Pretty rings do look good on guys. The ancient Celts of both sexes wore enough jewelry to sink a ship, Elizabethan men not only wore jewelry but hose, high-heeled shoes, and dyed beards, etc., etc.
Our prejudices against male jewelry are relatively new, coming from the very dull male dress styles which were the only ones allowed during the Victorian era -- not fair. Men should get a chance to play, too.
Carolyn Hax: If they want to, but I reserve the right to remain a woman of my times.
Carolyn Hax: That's it, I'm so hungry I have the shakes. Bye, have splendiferous late-October weekends (ooh, speaking of which, I got "remora" into a column ...) and type to you Monday.
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