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Tell Me About It
Hosted by Carolyn
Hax
Washington Post Staff Writer
Monday, Oct. 15, 2001; 3 p.m. EDT
Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.
Appearing every Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ® offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 34-year-old displaced New Englander and eight-year newspaper veteran with still-married parents, three older sisters, a mad-artist husband and way too many shoes. Her "expertise" (she added the quotation marks, we didn't) is in bad dates, school pressures, strict parents and dubious decisions, and she specializes in stupid teenage stunts, which she likes to call "learning experiences."
The transcript follows.
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Chicago, Ill.:
Hi Carolyn, I know you had this question already but I couldn't find it in the archives. I got engaged this weekend (took me totally by surprise) but I do not like the ring. Because it was several months before I was expecting it I didn't do any hint-dropping or anything like that. The ring is from his mom and he is very thrilled with himself. It's not an heirloom or anything like that. The band doesn't fit -- is it kosher for me to get it re-set at the same time? Or should I just get the band resized and then in a few years when we've been married for a while get it reset? It seems like such a petty thing to not like, so I am just being ungrateful?
Carolyn Hax: Tell him it's beautiful but it's not -you,- as in, something you'd naturally reach for every day, and ask whether he would understand if you had it re-set to make it that way. It's hard to burst his balloon, but if you do marry him, the two of you will have to get comfortable with much bigger honesty than this.
Carolyn Hax: That might not be the same as my previous answer on that. I'm streamlining, I think.
Rockville, Md.:
Dear Carolyn and L,
One year after our break-up, my ex-boyfriend and I are trying to be friends (we dated for over six years). But our relationship now is almost exactly the same as it was when we broke up: sometimes friendly and sometimes not so friendly. We sometimes argue about the same things we argued about when we were a couple. It's very difficult to make the transition from being a couple to being just friends. Is it typically this much work? Does it sound like there is hope for us to ever actually be friends? I have never been friends with an ex so I would appreciate your insights. Thanks a lot.
Carolyn Hax: Who cares what's "typical"? If you don't enjoy him on these terms, then don't try to be friends.
Philadelphia, Pa.:
This is about a suddenly-orphaned little girl and about a solution that may or may not be a no-brainer: I am half of a childless (by choice) couple. A few days ago, my wife's 10-year-old niece became orphaned after an automobile accident killed both parents. Her parents had only one other sibling, who says she cannot take her in. There are no other candidates in the extended family. The little girl lives in Europe and, most likely, the only way for us to take her in would be to become adoptive parents, a prospect for which my wife is 100 percent ready but I am considerably less so. I know it will hurt my wife greatly if I say no. Moreover, the alternative for the little girl might be an institution, which in her country is no Disney World. So is it a no-brainer that we ought to adopt her? Just about everyone says so -- but how about the fact that not everyone has what it takes to be a good parent?
Carolyn Hax: Oy. Of course some people should never be parents. But I also think people shouldn't hide behind that just because the alternative scares the hell out of them. Which camp do you belong in? I have no idea. But it seems to me that circumstances have handed you an obligation to find out which of these you are--not because there's an orphan out there who may need you, though that's a damn compelling argument. You owe it to your -wife- to explore your reticence further, so that if the answer is ultimately no, it's a thoroughly informed no and not just an "eeeeehhh I don't know" no. Talk to a family therapist or two. Go to her country to meet the little girl. Do the best you can by this decision. Fair?
Boston, Mass.:
I wrote in to the discussion last Friday, asking how to talk to my prickly sister about her constant smug use of the phrase "my husband." Your advice: "Talk to her." No kidding -- I said that I wanted to talk to her, and was asking you what would be a nice way to say it, as she is very defensive about everything. While I appreciate you even approaching my question, maybe you could have read it first before responding in such a flippant manner. Just phoning it in these days Carolyn? Oh, yeah, defensiveness does run in my family.
Carolyn Hax: Apparently--but hey, at least you can almost joke about it.
Your complete answer would have involved re-typing the preceding answer, and as fond as I am of wasting my time, I'm trying to break the habit. Did you read the answer I pointed you to? Paraphrased: You talk to someone just by talking to someone, because the preconceived/anticipated/dread consequences are never as bad as the consequences of keeping your mouth shut. Your sister is prickly. That's her problem. Be honest without being gratuitous and you will have done the best you can. "Hey, you used to complain all the time about 'smug marrieds,' and yet now you refer to the guy I've always known as Bill/Bob/BillyBob as 'my husband' 'my husband' multiple times per conversation, which makes me feel like a stranger."
As for the "phoning it in" accusation, I'm told I can't print my response. Oh well.
BFE:
A friend of mine has recently told me that he is attracted to me and wants to go out to explore his feelings for me(this all being his initiative). Since then, I haven't hear a single word from him. It has been five weeks! I know he is alive.
Am I missing something?
Carolyn Hax: "You said you were going to 'explore' your feelings. Does this mean you didn't find any?"
Virginia:
Carolyn,
I think that one of my friends is hiding the fact that they might be gay. This person happens to be very close to me and lately they have been upset and also seems depressed. I didn't really think much of their behavior, except that I thought that this could be a possibility since they seem to show no interest in seeking out the opposite sex. This person also has never had a relationship and they are in their mid-20s. However, I noticed that they had some information, like newsletters, regarding the gay community, laying out in their room. this somewhat solidified my supsicions. I love my friend dearly and do not want them to harbor something that might be causing them great pain. I could care less whether they're gay, straight, bi or whatever -- I just want them to be happy. I have a feeling they are hiding this and are too afraid to tell any of their closest friends. I know there's nothing I can really do, but I was just wondering if there's any advice you can offer. Maybe like just saying to the person that they can tell me anything at all since I've noticed they've been upset latetly? Can anyone else relate? It's hard to see a friend in a lot of pain who is unable to express why, but I think I know why.
Carolyn Hax: The newletters are a great opening. Just say you saw them, and if they mean there's something s/he's not telling you, then that something's okay with you.
Baltimore, Md.:
Carolyn: You've got to clarify on the first question ring exchange. You've seemed to have flipped on this. The reason I ask is because my boyfriend and I have been discussing marriage here and there, but when I've offered any suggestions for "what I might like," he's said, "he can handle it himself. Thanks." Doubtful that he can, I'm assuming I won't love it.
I've taken your advice in the past to heart, and felt horrible for possibly not liking such a lovely and thoughtful gift.
So, it's okay to suggest getting it changed if you don't like it, or just suck it up?
Please answer. It's a tough call.
Carolyn Hax: As I said, I might have changed my answer here, though I am for the record an unapologetic gift-exchanger from long before I started doing this. My way of thinking is, the whole point of giving is for the recipient to enjoy the gift. If that doesn't happen on the first pass with somethign I choose for somebody, I'd rather they go out and get something they do like than shove it in a drawer or wince whenever they wear it. Next time your BF says he can handle it himself, just say you're afraid his feelings will be hurt if you don't like it. Then drop it and see what comes. How are you slipping in these "suggestions," by the way? Has he asked for your opinion, or are you hovering? And might that not be a much bigger irritant than having to exchange a li'l ol' ring?
I am now really wondering how I answered this question last time.
Confidence-inspiring, no doubt.
Frostbite Falls:
Re: Boston's sister --
Maybe her sister keeps saying "my husband" because she's still getting used to saying it. I've been married for over six years and the novelty of saying "my wife" hasn't completely worn off. washingtonpost.com:
Like that "Seinfeld" episode where he pretended to be married to Courteney Cox. "My wife has an inner ear infection. -- Lisa.
Carolyn Hax: Okay, but this is a -sibling.- I don't think I can document one instance in which either of my sisters ever once referred to guys I knew for years as Brad and Steve as "my fiance" or "my husband." I mean really.
Peanutville:
In reaction to Philadelphia -- I am a 27-year-old woman who is also in a childless couple, and I have no desire to become a mother. And I am the designated guardian of my niece, should my brother and his wife both die before she is an adult. I have chosen not to have my own children, but I would never choose to let my niece suffer unecessarily because I'm not wild about the idea of parenting. I know lots of people want to act as if being a member of a family doesn't come with responsibilities, but it certainly does. If my partner refused to parent my orphaned niece, I'm pretty sure I would divorce him and parent her on my own. I wouldn't blame this man's wife for doing the same. My mother has three siblings, all of whom decided not to have children themselves, and they have enriched my life immeasurably -- I hope I can do the same for my niece, and I wish this man would try to do the same for his.
Carolyn Hax: I agree with you on choosing the orphan over the husband, if it comes to that, and I hope Philly's wife will, too--but if Philly can't take this girl in without punishing her for it, then I don't want him the feel guilted into "trying." That's the last thing she needs ... well, tied for last with the orphanage.
Washington, D.C.:
Dear Carolyn,
A close friend's father committed suicide this weekend. She is eight months pregnant and her sister is only three weeks married -- this was all very unexpected.
I guess my question is this -- what can one do to help? I have called her to express my sympathy and offer to do whatever I can but other than the traditional food, attending the service, writing a note, etc. I am at a loss as to how to be "there" for a friend who is facing and amazingly difficult time ahead. Her mother died 18 years ago of cancer so she has dealt with the death of a parent before, but this is so much different.
I need your advice as to what to do here -- we are all feeling helpless.
Carolyn Hax: Obviously it's really early, but once the service, etc. have passed, be active about being available to her. Take her shopping for baby stuff. Take her to lunch. Invite her over to bake cookies. Make your offers specific and active, vs. vague and open-ended, because she's not going to have the energy or brain space to sit down and think, "I'd like my friends to take me to lunch." You've got to put things in front of her, and then let her accept or refuse them as she needs.
uuugh.
Re: Philadelphia's dilemma:
Wow. What a situation. Carolyn, I think Philadelphia's post highlighted something about marriage that we don't think about enough: when you marry someone, you are also marrying their family and you may find yourself one day assuming responsibility for relatives you may not even really consider your own. My paternal grandparents have deteriorated a lot of late and have required a great deal of my parents' time and money. And they haven't been too grateful about it either. As someone who is getting married in a few months, watching my mom go through so much to help take care of dad's parents has been a real eye-opener. When you marry, you join your destiny with someone else's and any curves thrown their way -- like the death of a sibling and the orphaning of a niece -- become your curves too. I wish the author of that letter a lot of luck (and the poor little girl too). Let it give us all something to think about.
Is that too Ann Landersish for this crowd?
Carolyn Hax: If it is, I'll just disavow it later. Thanks for the thinker.
Re: Chicago, Ill., and the Ugly Ring:
When my fiance bought my engagement ring, the salesperson told him that 65 percent of all engagement rings are returned. So don't feel bad if you don't like your ring -- it's very common. I was fortunate enough to love mine, although it was exactly opposite from what I picked out. Good luck.
Carolyn Hax: Or maybe that store sold really ugly rings. Thanks for weighing in.
Metro Area:
Carolyn,
Over the past few years, I have lost a substantial amount of weight (we're talking the equivalent of a whole person) and yes, I feel great and my friends are proud of me (they always liked me fat or not) but I'm usually reluctant to tell new people I meet that I used to be fat. I had a serious boyfriend for a while and never felt comfortable telling him (I figured he'd dump me when he found out -- fat (or formerly fat) people tend to have low self-esteem problems and I'm working on that). But when do you bring this subject up with someone? When you're lying in bed and they want to know why you have stretch marks or long before you get to that point. I can't date another person and live on pins and needles wondering when one of my friends will "slip up" and say something about me being fat but I also fear the rejection. I'm pretty much a head case, aren't I?
Carolyn Hax: Well, yeah, but who isn't. Generally, every truth gets its natural chance to come out, it's just that obsessing about something tends to blind you to the moment. And to the absurdity of -needing- a moment. If a guy is going to dump you for something you openly admit you were but clearly no longer aren't and that was no harm to anyone but yourself, then [bleep] 'im. Go with it, give guys a chance to be cool about it.
Maryland:
My husband has started therapy recently, which has helped him a lot with his work problems and dealing with the Sept. 11 events. His stressful work was the reason he went to therapy in the first place, as our marriage is just fine and we have no problems that I know of.
However, he mentioned a few times what he talks with his therapist, and they talk a lot about me. I mean, down to every detail of what I did the previous week (including how bad my cramps were and how many headaches I had). Not only that, but the therapist has (completely out of line) "insights" into things I do, even though she has never met me.
I am not comfortable with this, but I know nothing of therapy, so maybe this is normal. So far I didn't say anything because I don't want to interfere, should I let it go or is this weird?
Carolyn Hax: One can't have "insights" into people one has never met?
Uh oh.
Of COURSE they talk about you, you're his WIFE. You're certainly entitled to express your discomfort with the level of detail, but you know what? He's doing better. Your marriage is fine (except for the fact that you think it has no problems). Not interfering sounds like the wise choice, perhaps paired with your own appointment with the therapist to ease your fears?
California:
My wife and I recently relocated from D.C. to California for her to take a great job. Subsequently, I quit my job and am now looking for another one.
Obviously now is not the best time to be looking for work. While I've had some interviews it's now been about a month and nothings biting. However, I'm obviously not the only person in this situation so I attribute this to the poor economy/Sept. 11, etc., etc.
Well, my wife is starting to give me a little heat. While she hasn't outright said "Why don't you have a job yet?" I know it's coming. Of course my reaction is "HELLO! Have you turned on the TV in the past few weeks."
We're not at that point yet, any advice for me so this doesn't turn into a nightmare?
Carolyn Hax: Tell her you sense some subterranian tension on this issue and you'd feel better with it out in the open. If she owns up to any worries, let her air them completely before you (non-defensively) respond. Something to ponder, too--is there something constructive you can do while you job-hunt, to keep you sane and semi-occupied? Just being around around around all the time can wear you both out.
For Philly:
I was one a kid in your neice's position. My father left, my mom had always been a wreck and was completely incapable of parenting and my sister and I were 12 and 15, respectively. My much older brother and his new wife took us in and made us understand how great family can be. I so completely cherish their selflessness and it taught me a lesson about what family means. His wife is now my best friend and my brother has become the most influential person in my life all because they stepped in and gave us some stability, love, and a home. It'll be hard and nobody loves their family all of the time, but family means that there is always someone there to take care of you.
Carolyn Hax: Thank you, what a lucky outcome. I'm posting another one for balance:
Rockville, Md.:
I was orphaned at 13 when both my parents were killed in a car acident. There was some discussion about me living at a boarding school -- which I took to mean my family didn't want me. My mother's brother agreed to take me in. He already had two teenagers. It was the worst four years of my life. I was physically and verbally abused and constantly lived under the threat of being thrown out on the street. In retrospect, I would have had a better life at the boarding school. While folks want to act from their hearts at a time of crisis, they really need to accept what it means to take in an orphan relative, then live with their decision. I don't wish the hell I lived through on anyone.
Carolyn Hax: Thanks for checking in. Sigh.
To Maryland:
If I were in your shoes, I might just tell my husband that you are probably better off not knowing what you all talk about -- it's between him and the therapist. It's hard to know what the context is, and second-hand information can make you panicky when there is no need to be. I went to therapy for a long time and talked about my husband some, mostly because I believed I wasn't treating him well and had a lot of guilt about the things I said and did toward him, and the therapist helped me to sort out the patterns I needed to break and the ones that weren't as harmful.
Carolyn Hax: Good point, thanks.
Cincinnati, Ohio:
Dear Carolyn:
What's your take on "what goes around comes around"? I am asking because one person I know who has basically screwed all of our mutual friends (either spread vicious lies, stole money, slept with boyfriend, etc., etc.) seems to have everything nice in life: she got a high-flying career (due to family connections) and is about to get married to a really cute well-off man (she issued an ultimatum after five years of dating.) Meanwhile, people she has screwed are struggling either career or romance-wise.
Thanks.
Carolyn Hax: What goes around will stay around polluting your outlook on life as long as you keep waiting for it to come around. She sounds like a miserable, unloved, wretched, nepotistic piece of work who, whoopdeedoo for her, married a rich looker. Isn't it enough just to be glad you don't have to wake up to her face in your bathroom mirror?
Want to end it:
Dear Carolyn,
I am 25 and have been married one-plus year, with a 4-month-old baby whom I adore. I also adored my husband, until he began to treat me with disrespect. We actually had a very good relationship until baby came along and we moved to another state a few weeks later. Suddenly the stakes were higher and he took out his stress on me. I know I make my share of silly mistakes (wrong turns while driving, misplacing things, you name it), but so does he. I forgive and take it in stride, while he sees fit to scream at me (even in public). He also blames me for not having sex with him as often as he'd like and for as long as he'd like. But not only am I exhausted, I also am no longer attracted to someone who can't keep control of his temper, and worse, NEVER apologizes.
My question is, what would you advise me to do? He will NOT seek counseling (too expensive), and he has a huge chip on his shoulder that he is a Ph.D. scientist who is getting paid beans. He claims that my mistakes put our family at serious risk, and that's why he's justified in screaming at me.
I believe in working on relationships, and I've spoken to him about all of this, many many times. All I get is more screaming and blaming, and then tangents about how he is so poorly paid and unappreciated by this country and how inefficient and inane his co-workers and colleagues are, and all the wrongs women in his past have done him. Somehow he relates thi in his mind to our current situation. After all this, he is cuddly and loving, but never apologetic. I am unable to reciprocate the cuddliness.
I never thought my husband could have such contempt for me. I really haven't done anything wrong to him, our baby, or our finances.
I'm beginning to wonder if he's losing his mind.
I also regret getting myself into this position as a stay-at-home mom with no funds of her own. Please help me. I think about suicide every day, but look at my boy and realize my duty.
Carolyn Hax: Oh my goodness. Please email Lisa, lisa.todorovich@wpni.com, and she'll put you through to me. We'll get you in touch with some people who can help you. Hang in there.
Carolyn Hax: Oy. Oy oy oy. That's it for today. Thanks everybody, and type to you Friday. Also, another schedule change: Next Monday's 3 pm-er is now a Tuesday 3 pm-er. Sorry to be so fickle.
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