Carolyn Hax (The Post)

• Video: Carolyn Hax on NewsChannel 8 (Feb. 14) • Tell Me About It • Tell Me About It Live Archive • About Carolyn • Style Section • Entertainment Section • All Live Online Transcripts • Subscribe to washingtonpost.com e-mail newsletters • mywashingtonpost. com -- customized news, traffic, weather and more

Tell Me About It
Hosted by Carolyn Hax
Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, Oct. 12, 2001; Noon EDT

Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.

Appearing every Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ® offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 34-year-old displaced New Englander and eight-year newspaper veteran with still-married parents, three older sisters, a mad-artist husband and way too many shoes. Her "expertise" (she added the quotation marks, we didn't) is in bad dates, school pressures, strict parents and dubious decisions, and she specializes in stupid teenage stunts, which she likes to call "learning experiences."

The transcript follows.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

To read the most recent responses, click "Get New Responses" or select "Automatically Update Page."

State of concern: Hello all,

I've been together with a wonderful woman now since March, and we are happily in love. Unfortunately, I have also recently started having doubts. It's not that I don't love her any more, but I'm having a hard time envisioning any kind of future right now. A lot of it is because she's constantly joking about changing me, which has me wondering just how serious she is about making me her perfect guy.

At the moment, I'm stressing over this one. A lot. Sleepless nights and a queezey, churning stomach have been the norm for the past few days. Part of me wants to break up, but the rest of me wants this to work and views "breaking up" as running away, especially since I haven't spoken to her about this yet.

Is this normal? Especially considering as we haven't had any kind of serious, "where are we going/expectations" discussion? I do blame myself a bit for this because I haven't brought it up yet (that'll change this weekend).

Sorry if I'm coming across as a bit scatterbrained, but that's just how I am right now.

Thanks!

Carolyn Hax: 'sokay, sleep deprivation will do that. But I have to ask: Is saying to her "These jokes aren't funny to me" really so awful that nausea and insomnia--or dropping her flat without comment--are preferable?

You ask if this is normal, and, unfortunately, it is, at least in my strange little world. Sometimes, when I take a long time to answer a question online, it's because I'm trying to find one stinkin question for which there is some other answer than "Talk to him/her/them for God's sake." It's the Thing We Just Can't Do.

So, do it. Bring it up this weekend. And don't back down: We all need to get out of the people-changing business.

Pretty funny, coming from me.

Smug Marriedsville: My sister is in her mid 30s and got married about six months ago. Although she detested the second-class citizen treatment she got from her married friends when she was single, she's completely on board with it now. I spoke to her for 20 minutes a few days ago, and she used the phrase "My husband" four times in our conversation. As in, " Oh, my husband needs me to get off the phone now so we can eat!" or "What's new with you? My husband and I went to a movie last weekend." I hate it so much, but I can't figure what to say to her about it, as she is an extremely prickly person. Please help.

Carolyn Hax: See above.

TwoTimin in Washington, D.C.: Please answer. This has been bothering me all week.

I'm dating two guys. I like them both. They don't know about each other. Am I obligated to tell? I'm feeling so incredibly guilty. So guilty. But on the other hand, we're at the super beginning stages of everything, so should I wait to see if I want to see one exclusively? It seems simple enough, but I've never done this before. What's the rule here. Some help from the 'nuts here would be nice too.

Carolyn Hax: This is the chairman of the easier-said-than-done department. Neither one should be under the impression that you are dating him exclusively. Neither one needs to have blurted at him over dinner, "You know, I do date other people." And you should definitely take whatever time you need to decide if you want to see one of them exclusively--or some third or fourth guy you haven't even met yet. In the missle of all this is the social and ethical sweet spot. It's something you have to navigate yourself, really, since the 'nuts and I aren't eavesdropping on your conversations and so can't tell if there are any mistaken impressions out there. Just hold back physically and don't hold back logistically--meaning, don't actively cover up what you're doing.

Lincoln, Neb.: Help! Need fluff advice!

I'm going to a wedding this weekend, and don't have a thing to wear (whine, whine). I've dropped about four sizes since I've seen most of the people who will be at the wedding, and want to wear something appropriately "Wow! You look great, have you been working out?" but all the styles this fall have really short skirts, and I have calves that say, "yeah, I was a jock in high school, ran sprints, played volleyball, etc." A little chunky, but quite muscular.

Any sage fashion advise on how to wear a great skirt but draw attention away from the athletic legs? Since you know shoes like no other, I thought your advice would bo sooo helpful!

Carolyn Hax: Oh right, Lisa just reminded me that I promised a Fluffy Friday ... if there was any heft at all to the preceding posts, pls accept my sincere apology.

So--colossal calves. What, exactly, is so bad about them, asks a fellow reformed high school jock? My calves are practically cows, and I air them all the time, pasty white skin a-blazin'. But anyway. If you're self-conscious, you won't be able to pull off the short-skirt thing, so what about a long skirt or swishy pants and a really trim top. "Styles this fall" matter so much less than wearing what works on you and what makes you walk across the room without obsessing on every step.

Carolyn Hax: Okay that was too brain dead even for me.

Alexandria, Va.: I just wanted to say in defense to SOME of the people who ask married couples if they're going to have a baby soon. Sometimes I catch myself doing this. It's not because I'm trying to be rude or obnoxious, I see two people who would make great parents, and look they have their stuff together. I know it's rude but in my case, it's not about being rude, it's kind of a caring question. Does that make any sense?

Carolyn Hax: Well, yeah, but it's still a demand for information that is essentially none of your business. Unless you know the couple well enough to be privy to, say, any fertility struggles they may be having, then keep your caring to yourself. Also watch how you express it. "Do you see yourselves having a family one day?" is a far less punch-in-the-throatworthy question than, "So when are you guys having kids?"

Caught in a Fairy Tale: Carolyn, how do I rid myself of pettiness? I'm surely going to marry my handsome, smart, hilarious, generous and sensitive boyfriend -- but (don't worry, I'm not about to say he beats me) he's late. A lot. And he wears goofy outfits. And his cackly laugh causes others to cringe. And he says "um" way too much. But all those qualities I mentioned in the beginning? They're all true, in spades. And I do love him so much. But Oh. My. God. do I get annoyed with these petty things. So sometimes I find myself dreaming of Prince Charming. Who doesn't exist, I know. And believe me, I know I have flaws as well.

But I feel like I'm ill-equipped as a person to not be annoyed by these little things. Why do others make it look easy? Is there some magic pill?

Carolyn Hax: The magic pill we all need is the one that makes us STOP trying to CHANGE things. One that kills the incredibly counterproductive notion that we're supposed to bring our best selves to our romantic relationships, and that it's our responsibility to adjust either ourselves or the other person to fit some perfect description. If you're going to spend the rest of your life with someone, you have to be ready for your (or his) worst self to be the one that gets out of bed in the morning, and you both need to be prepared to deal with that worst self in a way that doesn't require every last ounce of your strength.

He annoys you. Assume he will always annoy you. Plan accordingly.

Chicago, Ill.: Hey Carolyn,

Hope this is fluffy! What do you do when people don't return phone calls? Do you call them back after a few days have gone by and you have not heard from them. I hate to be a stalker, or seem desperate (I'm new in town and my only friends are of recent vintage) but when you are waiting to hear from people before making plans, it's hard just to keep waiting.

Carolyn Hax: Nothing wrong with a follow up call about specific plans--"Hey, are you in or out?" If you never graduate from having to follow up or if even the follow-up is ignored, then the friendship might be a non-starter, but that's remedied by an "oh well" and calling someone else.

New York, N.Y.: Happy Friday!

I have a fluff question for you: When is it okay (if ever) to compliment strangers/people you know only by sight? Here is the situation: A woman who lives in my apartment building has been morbidly obese (to use the clinical term) for the three years I have lived there. We have exchanged maybe 50 words in that time -- mainly just pleantries in the hall or laundry room -- we don't live on the same floor. Recently, it appears that she has been losing weight and is looking all together healthier than I have ever seen her. Would it be rude of me to offer her a compliment (I'm a woman BTW) and wish her continued success? I know weight is a touchy subject (it sure is for me) but I always appreciate it when someone notices I've slimmed down a bit. Any thoughts?

Thanks!

Carolyn Hax: Far be it from me to stifle an impulse to spread goodwill vs. anthrax. Just make sure you say, "You're looking great these days," and not, "Wow, I see you've passed the kidney hippo." Weight-specific comments tend to land badly.

Moo! Calves!: Long, skinny skirt and a sexy top should do it! Don't go too chunky on the heels, they'll drag you down.

Carolyn Hax: ... except if you go with a short skirt. Then you need some substance to the heel, or else you look like a physics experiment.

Re: Caught in a Fairy Tale: Caught's "handsome, smart, hilarious, generous, and sensitive boyfriend" sounded like a crashing bore until she mentioned his cackling laugh and goofy outfits. People's foibles are part of what make them endearing -- and human. Why would you want to change something like that?

Carolyn Hax: She didn't, she wanted to change the fact that they irked her, far more noble. But either way it's wishful thinking, and wishful thinking has no place in a marriage decision.

Ah, the good ole days: For the dater of two guys simultaneously --

I did that for a short while when I first moved to D.C., and I have to admit that it was pretty cool for my ego (it DID feel good to be noticed by more than one man at once). And, I kept it at the "dating" level with each of them (nothing physical) so I didn't feel like I was leading anyone on. It worked out fine, because it doesn't really take you all that long to figure out how you feel about longer-term dating with different men -- just a few weeks at most. But, a little warning -- it can be difficult to keep straight the different conversations with different people, and I sometimes mentioned to one guy something that the other one brought up by mistake. Maybe I should have taken notes.

Carolyn Hax: Nice. But be careful with the few-weeks-and-out concept. When it comes to forming a lasting bond, I'm slowly crossing over to the friends-first camp. Not that there's a "right" or "wrong" way, just one that might make more sense.

Fluffville, or is it?: Folks in the office talking about going to Halloween parties as Osama and company. Tasteless or not?

Carolyn Hax: I think so, and I also hate saying that. I saw a photo of an ObL pinata and my reaction was, is this a great country or what. But that's because it was so disarmingly silly. The costume thing doesn't quite make that cut--don't ask me to explain why, just a gut thing.

Silver Spring, Md.: Hi, Carolyn. Very surprising answer you gave to "Arlington." Very often the question of whether a couple is going to have a baby or not IS someone else's business -- even if that couple thinks otherwise.

Carolyn Hax: Huh? I've been pretty consistent on this. I find it extremely off-putting to be asked, and the volume of questions I read on this subject supports that. What makes you think anyone deserves any say, unless there's distress and/or external responsibility involved, like it's your teenage daughter or something?

Vienna, Va.: Carloyn, could you please further explain your answer to the caller about whether asking a married couple if they are going to have a baby is none of his (or her) business. I respect your opinion (I tune in to this chat reglarly), but if I asked a couple if they were going to have a baby and they told me it was none of MY business, I would consider that a rude reply, because by asking them, I feel that it IS my business (otherwise I wouldn't waste my breath by asking them). Simply telling someone that that the answer to a certain question is none of their concern does not in fact make it that way. I feel that you made a mistake by telling this caller that they were out of place. I feel that he/she was NOT out of place, but I could be wrong. Please elaborate a little further and tell us WHY you think this is an improper question. Thanks.

Carolyn Hax: You guys are scaring me. Whether to have a child or not is an extremely personal decision, one that often becomes quite painful if the couple has problems. Asking someone, "So, when are we gonna see some babies!" of a couple that's fighting a lot or having fertility problems is like slapping them both in the face. Meanwhile, from family members--say, a mother-in-law--it can come across as pressure or disapproval of childlessness, which of course is a perfectly acceptable, and often wise, choice for a couple to make. That's why I think it's an improper question. How how how is it YOUR business whether a couple, of which you are not a member, breeds?

Costume party: I think you are right -- as a person who lost a family member one short month ago because of this man -- his image would be the last thing I would want to see in a party atmosphere. Tasteless is just my 2 cents.

Carolyn Hax: Thank you, and I'm sorry for your loss.

Osama Halloween Masks?: I think it's disgusting and tasteless. Do you think that during WWII, people dressed up like Hitler? Or, that during the cold war, people dressed up like Stalin, et al? Some things are just too gross to make light of.

Carolyn Hax: Bingo. thanks.

Washington, D.C.: Edgy Reader: Eeeks.

I don't know if it is information saturation or what, but I am totally paranoid these days. Am supposed to fly to Chicago today to see my cutie pie boy friend of one-plus years, and now that the FBI has warned there is a "credible threat" of terrorism in the next few days, I feel like to fly right now would be too much risk. Then again, I have heard National is akin to a military zone.

Please, please answer -- Carolyn, I need some rationality here. What would you do?

Thank you.

Carolyn Hax: I'm sorry, for two things: I have to go soon and I'm in the mood to stay on, and--I don't know, suddenly I;m not feeling fluffy. This stuff is just too pervasive.

You have to make your own decision here, just as all of us ultimate have to trust our guts on all this stuff we talk about in this column. But nowadays the whole process of choosing a life course--both on the minutiae and on the long-term plans--is so much closer to the surface, so acutley -conscious.- Me, I would probably fly, because my whole reaction to this awfulness has been, what choice do I have but to live? But 1. I'm not the one holding an airline ticket so I really have no friggin clue what I'd do and 2. You have to have to have to listen to your own voice here. There's been a whole lot of talk about freedom these days, and I guess this is the level on which it really resonates with me. In so many things, we're allowed to let our characters guide us. At the risk of making too much of your "Should I fly" question, my answer is, "Who are you, and what would that person do?"

The Baby Question: I just got married. I get this stupid question all the time! Think about it this way -- you ask me "So, when are you going to have a baby?" And I turn around and ask you "So, when are you going to get married?" or some other equally touchy subject for you personally. Would YOU want to answer?

Carolyn Hax: Oh am I late. And not to sound too falsely chummy, but I just feel like hanging out. So, thanks for that, have a good weekend and type to you Monday.

Carolyn Hax: Whups--pls pretend that last answer begins with, "Thanks, your comment is typical of the rest of the deluge saying butt out about babies."

washingtonpost.com:

That wraps up today's show. Thanks to everyone who joined the discussion.

Stay tuned to Live Online:

Did you know that you can follow more than one Live Online discussion at the same time? Just open another browser window and toggle back and forth between discussions! And, if you miss one, catch up with the Live Online transcripts.

Keep up with the latest in news, sports, politics and entertainment with washingtonpost.com e-mail newsletters.

NEW! Personalize your Post with mywashingtonpost.com. Get customized news, traffic, weather and more.

Carolyn Hax: Oy.

Arlington VA: Hoping to get this in before you go...

My wise father said something to me last weekend: the courage that is required now is defined by looking into the face of potential death, recognizing and grappling with the reality that it could happen, and then going forward bravely in that knowledge.

We're in a different world now, and it does require living. Here's what I say to the woman: fly. You get one chance in this life to be with your sweetie. There's lots of security right now and you're probably as safe (statistically) as you've ever been.

Live your life. Do what you love. Strip out the crap and pay no mind to it anymore. Be yourself.

It's all we have, really. And that, when looked at closely, is quite a lot.

Carolyn Hax: Beautiful. Beautiful.

   |       |