Carolyn Hax (The Post)

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Tell Me About It
Hosted by Carolyn Hax
Washington Post Staff Writer
Tuesday, Oct. 9, 2001; 3 p.m. EDT

Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.

Appearing every Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ® offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 34-year-old displaced New Englander and eight-year newspaper veteran with still-married parents, three older sisters, a mad-artist husband and way too many shoes. Her "expertise" (she added the quotation marks, we didn't) is in bad dates, school pressures, strict parents and dubious decisions, and she specializes in stupid teenage stunts, which she likes to call "learning experiences."

The transcript follows.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

To read the most recent responses, click "Get New Responses" or select "Automatically Update Page."

Austin, Tex.: I've been in so many weddings that I have lost track of the number (we're talking double digits)! I am seriously all wedding-ed out! I have two friends left that are close to getting engaged, and I just don't think I can muster the enthusiasm (not to mention the money) to be a bridesmaid -- again. Is there any way that I can turn down this honor without coming across as a total witch and not lose a friend in the process? Seriously -- weddings nowadays end up costing a bridesmaid hundreds of dollars. Trust me -- the cost of the dress, shoes, hair, bridal shower gift, wedding gift and bachelorette party all add up very quickly. Could I offer to do a reading as a substitute?

Carolyn Hax: I suppose, but I also don't know the first thing about either of your "almost engaged" friends--or about you. The success or failure depends entirely on your delivery and their acceptance.

Traffic Land: Hi Carolyn,

I need some help. My husband is a wonderful and generally even-tempered guy. The only time he loses his temper is when he's driving, and it's VERY bad. He's prone to extreme road rage. Usually when someone cuts him off or something like that. He'll do extremely STUPID things like tailgating, swerving and cutting off the people who did the same things to him, and just doesn't hear me even when I beg him to stop. Last week he started screaming incoherently because I tried to ask him not to cut off some lady who cut him off (we were also lost at the time which had him upset already). He was hysterical so I slapped him -- and he punched me. Hard. I still have bruises. He's absolutely mortified. I know it was not something he wanted to do or ever plans on doing again, but I don't know for a fact that it will never happen again.

I've asked him to get help. He's agreed -- but he's uncomfortable with the idea of seeing a counselor one-on-one. He's said he'd have no problem with group therapy though. Are there any support groups in the Northern Virginia area that you know of for road rage/anger management?

Thank you.

Carolyn Hax: No, but call the American Psychological Association and see what they have to say. And please don't take this suggestion as any remote indication that I agree with the "it's just a traffic thing" denial bull*** you're both throwing around. He's got ISH SHOES, abusive ones, and you need to be much more careful than you sound. Beginning with taking the keys and putting his lethally irresponsible butt in the passenger seat.

Somewhere, USA: Quick question. I just found out I'm pregnant. I am having a very hard time telling anyone, let alone one of my closest friends. She is very anti-baby, and I just can't think of the words to say.

Any advice?

Carolyn Hax: Tell her you went out of your way to get pregnant just to piss her off.


What is WRONG with people?

Congratulations.

Denver, Colo.: Hello Carolyn:

I am a 34-year-old woman. My question is about my Turkish 25-year-old BF of one year and his mother. His parents paid for his masters so that he is dependent on them. His mother met me this May and it was hate at first sight for her. Since then she talks very badly and hatefully about me. She was staying for one month during that time and my BF retorted to calling me from the grocery store next to his house. Now she is back for another month and I found out that my BF has told her that we were no longer together so that he did not have to deal with her. Now it seems that I have to go in hiding for he told me that she does not want to see me. If I cal him, He told me to be prepared to be called names like b---h and slut. Oh my goodness! So much hated targeted toward me. I am depressed and feel betrayed by my BF. I feel that he is being weak and not adult like. He tells me that he is afraid because his mother tried twice to commit suicide when his sister had a BF. And that she has never liked any of his girlfriends. As I said this sitution is depressing and oppressing. Please all of you, help me gain some perspective. Thanks.

Carolyn Hax: I'd love to come up with just the right integrity- and relationship-preserving strategy, but I'm over 25 so those have long since gone the way of Santy Claus. Run, run, run.

Road Rage: Carolyn you also missed the point that "slapping" a hystrical person is not a solution either. Especially someone already driving a car.

Carolyn Hax: No, I dodged it. Until I achieve that level of fear and desperation as a passenger, I'm not going to judge someone else's attempts to save herself. I'm sure that sounds wimpy, but that was the thoguht process.

Baltimore, Md.: Hi Carolyn,

Problem: I'm a 22-year-old male and I believe I've lost my sex drive. For the past year, I haven't been attracted to anyone (acquantances, friends, celebrities, no one). I very rarely fantasize about anyone and generally feel a lack of desire. I know it's a problem but can you please offer some insight about why this would happen and how to overcome it? Nothing dramatic happened in my life -- I just lost my drive. And I definitely want to overcome it. In fact, it worries me a lot that I just don't feel any attraction whatsoever.

Any insight you can offer would be helpful! Thanks!

Carolyn Hax: Are you depressed, stressed out, on any medication? A lot of different things can mess with the drive. When did you last get a physical?

Re: Austin, Tex.: I have a friend who was going to ask a childhood friend to be a bridesmaid. A week or two before she was going to ask, her friend offhandedly remarked to her, "Gee, I'm SO glad that I'm going to be able to watch a wedding for once! It's an honor to be asked to be a bridesmaid, but all those stints as bridesmaid can be so tiring, and I'm so happy I'll just be able to enjoy myself at your wedding!" My friend got the message and didn't ask her. The key here was her childhood friend pre-emptively made this comment, so there was no uncomfortableness.

Carolyn Hax: I like the happy ending, but I would vastly prefer to have enough faith in my friendship to be open about it, and for my friend to be glad that I did.

West Coast: Carolyn,

Not to be depressing, but my father is terminally ill and 2,000+ miles away from me. I call daily to check on his progress, but I feel like that's not enough. What other ways are there for me to show my concern and support? We're not an emotionally close family, and he's the most distant of us all. I want to show him that I care, and I don't want to ever have regrets about not having done that. Please help!

Carolyn Hax: First of all, it's not depressing, it's just sad, and it's life.

Second, I know, very unfortunately, whereof you speak--my mom is also terminally ill (ALS). And so if you don't mind, I'm going to speak personally here: I've agonized about this and i don't think there's any X or Y that other people can tell you to do to head off potential regrets. It's a talk you have with yourself, to figure out what it is you need to say to him/learn from him/know of him/understand about him while he's still around to provide what you need. And, while he's still around to receive whatever it is you feel compelled to give him. The latter, if anything, is the more important one. And, of course, you need to find a way to -be- there, however and whenever you can. That, you will never regret. Hang in there.

Lancaster, Pa.: Carolyn,

My best friend and I have teetered between simply a platonic friendship and no-strings-attached romantic relationship, for the past three years. For the past year, it has leaned towards the relationship end of things, until he moved to a city four hours away. We missed each other desperately, talked on the phone constantly, visited each other, etc., then suddenly he said he "didn't want to miss someone THAT much." Says he loves me, but he's afraid we'll sacrifice our friendship if we try being long-distance because it's too hard. We saw each other this weekend, and things were "romantic." Are we doomed to be in limbo forever?

Carolyn Hax: Only if you doom yourselves to be. But he might be comfortable now in his new city and ready to try something new ... or you might both have learned from hismove that you want to be together, in which case you really ought to do something about it. no? Sounds liek you need to have the rest of the conversation you started.

Carolyn Hax: I'm sorry guys, my connection is glacial today. Bad phone line.

Boston, Mass.: My whole dating life I have always been over-the-moon for guys that I found just pleasant looking when I first met them, but when I got to know them I really liked them. It seems lately, most guys don't go past my looks before writing me off. I am not unattractive (but I don't believe physically many people are, I think attitudes are ugly) but I am not a supermodel either. I am a very kind person, and a great friend. I find myself disgusted by this obsession with physical perfection. Is it always going to be like that?

Carolyn Hax: I don't know that any situation can ever be called an "always"--though I suppose there will always be shortsighted jerks. Probably just a cold streak. Try giving up on people completely and see what happens. That's usually when they decide to come through.

Job Hell: Hi Carolyn and Lisa,

Here's the deal. I'm in a bad situation at work (alcoholic boss who takes personal problems out on me) and just had an interview today for a job outside the company. Then I found out that my current company is offering to move me into a different position. I would be doing the same thing in both jobs. I won't find out anything about the other job until next week, but I need to give my current company an answer now if I'm interested. I definitely want out of my current position, but I don't want to move to the new department and then get the other job and leave. What would you do?

Carolyn Hax: Unless you know there to be more money involved elsewhere or there are problems aside from the boss, why would you go to the trouble of changing companies?

Arlington, Va.: Hey, C and L -- OK, justified or not?

I went out with this guy about eight months ago, and he did the old I'll tell you I'll call when I have no real intention of doing so (found the second part out after a couple of weeks -- I really believed him. And really, really liked him). Flash forward to two weeks ago: I see him at a wedding. I have lost about 30 pounds. He eventually worms his way over, and asks me to dance. I politely turn him down (behaving a lot more nicely than I feel) and just walk away. Now, for the past two weeks, the friends who listened to me whine my disappointment of eight months ago have been telling me I'm nuts -- I screwed up a second chance. I say he's the one who screwed up. What I haven't told them is that I've started thinking about him again. A lot. Why do things have to be like this? I feel like getting me to a nunnery.

Carolyn Hax: Oh dearie dear, what is wrong with your friends. You MUST go with your first instinct, or else you run a grave risk of ending up with a guy who respects only thin people. Boo.

Arvada, Colo.: Just wanted to say I thought your two columns this past Friday/Sunday were right back up to snuff (I know some were questioning if your edge was getting a little too edgy). Much entertained.

A submitting question -- if we wanted to submit early for a Monday discussion, is there a way to do it before the weekly schedule is posted on Sunday?

washingtonpost.com: Weekly schedule's posted on Friday night. Otherwise, if you go to the URL and change the date, you should be able to get the next show. For example, Friday's URL is http://discuss.washingtonpost.com/zforum/01/hax101201.htm (the 101201 being the date). If you change the filename to hax101501.htm, voila. This concludes the technical portion of our program. But e-mail me at lisa.todorovich@wpni.com with questions. -- Lisa.

Carolyn Hax: That would be a thank you, I think, kind of compliment. (And Lisa is grateful for the opportunity for a tech explanation.)

Job Hell Again: Thanks for getting to my question. There's a 15 percent raise if I go elsewhere, plus a much smaller commute (five minutes vs. 30). No real promotional opportunity at my current company, though I don't know that I'd necessarily have one at the new company.

Carolyn Hax: Okay, so very worth exploring. Can you explain to the potential new place that an opportunity opened up at your company but you would prefer the new place, and ask very very nicely if it's possible to get an answer sooner?

Or is that some kind of job-applicant faux pas. It seems reasonable to me...

An avid reader: Carolyn, I've been reading you for several years now and I can't think how many times a letter or question has begun with the sentence: "My significant other is wonderful, but he or she hits me/hits my dog/steals my money/lies/withdraws emotionally/sniffs glue/does some equally heinous thing. It makes you wonder, do people ever READ the letters after they write them? Is there really this little self-awareness in the world?

Baffled

Carolyn Hax: Shh. Self-awareness is VERY VERY BAD.

For me.

Washington, D.C.: Dear Carolyn,

My boyfriend and I have been together for about two years and living together for one. He's a great guy -- sensitive, smart, funny, interesting, attractive, etc. Here comes the but. He drinks way more than I'm comfortable with. He doesn't drink every night (perhaps one week night a week he'll have two drinks), but on the weekends he has a tendency to get rip roaring drunk. And then he becomes a complete a--, frustrating me, embarrassing me, etc. Normally I tell him to go someplace else to engage in these activities, but there are occasions when I'm around and this happend and I always get upset. Thing is, I don't think he realizes what a jerk he is while drinking and I don't seem to have the capacity to make this clear to him. Besides just ditching him (I know that's your advice), what would you suggest I do?

Carolyn Hax: Ditch him. He's got a drinking problem, plus whatever problems he's trying to be too numb to feel, plus no interest whatsoever in facing problems 1 and 2.

You asked.

Columbia, Md.: Carolyn, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom.

I went through the same thing a few years ago and to the woman with the terminally ill father I will say try not to feel guilty that you aren't physically there. My mom was also across the country and while I do visit a few more times than normal, just being there on the phone helped her. Plus, since I wasn't part of the immediate support structure (proximity-wise) I was able to pick up some of the burden when other, local people had burn-out.

The biggest thing I did that I will never regret is I didn't "pre-mourn." What I mean by that is, while my mom and I did talk about it long enough for her to know that I knew she was dying, we didn't dwell on it. I told her I didn't want to lose her before I lost her and we just had fun and laughed and talked right up until I did lose her. And I will never regret that.

Carolyn Hax: Thank you, and your insights should help. Though since the previous poster said the family was emotionally distant, s/he (sorry, can't remember) needs to be careful not to substitute denial for not dwelling.

Carolyn Hax: I wish I could hang around and make up for the connection thing, but unfortunately I have to go. Maybe we can have an extended fluff Friday or something ... a half-hour Footwear Annex ... anyway, thanks for your patience, have a good remaining 3/5 week and type to you Fluffday.

washingtonpost.com:

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Washington, DC: Dear Carolyn,

How on earth do you define a drinking problem? Inability to not spill on yourself? Cause I was honestly looking for some constructive help with my situation and I have to be frank and say you were no help whatsoever. (Remember, you said to ditch him after I asked what OTHER advice you might have?)

My boyfriend and I are both 23. We spend a lot of time with our friends from college. A few of us have grown out of the binge drinking days, others have not. My boyfriend is no different from our other friends who have not left that stage (in terms of how much or how often he drinks), except for the fact that he gets belligerent while drunk. I think he needs a slap of reality in terms of being shown what a jerk he is, not dumping by me.

Of course, running away seems to be the only answer you have when there are signs of difficulties in relationships. I wonder how many wonderful guys you've run from cause they showed the slightest problem--maybe you have a problem, Carolyn. I suggest seeking help and not jumping to conclusions...

Annoyed in DC

Carolyn Hax: I gave you constructive help. You're just not ready to hear it. He has a problem, and you are helping him make excuses for it, which means you are part of his problem. If you'd like, you can email me (tellme@washpost.com) and I'll find the URL of a great alcohol information site that will explain this all to you.

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