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Tell Me About It
Hosted by Carolyn
Hax
Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, Oct. 5, 2001; Noon EDT
Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.
Appearing every Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ® offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 34-year-old displaced New Englander and eight-year newspaper veteran with still-married parents, three older sisters, a mad-artist husband and way too many shoes. Her "expertise" (she added the quotation marks, we didn't) is in bad dates, school pressures, strict parents and dubious decisions, and she specializes in stupid teenage stunts, which she likes to call "learning experiences."
The transcript follows.
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Re: lovesick poet in today's column:
Oh, Carolyn:
If ever you give us advice
I suggest you think not once, but twice,
About rhyming and meter
Since your prose is much sweeter --
I assure you, plain words will suffice.
xoxo
A NYC Reader
Carolyn Hax: Despite the rough dealings
I do still have feelings.
Sniff.
Southern Virginia:
I'm so depressed. My husband is giving up on the notion of moving close to my family in Northern Virginia in light of all that's happened in the last three weeks. I do not like where we live and I just don't fit in here. I just want him to hang on for another six months until the economy stabilizes but he is determined to give up and is accusing me of being selfish and inflexible. He is even saying stupid things like maybe I should divorce him and move. I don't know what to do, I am so lonely here.
Carolyn Hax: Marriage
counseling.
You aren't talking, you're both walking around with your dukes up, ready to defend your turf against any form of compromise. I also suspect that you've funneled all your hopes into moving, but that even if you do move, you're going to find out quickly that it left a bunch of problems unsolved. Such as, the fact that you and your husband don't communicate, you just walk around with your dukes up. Open your mind, call in a referee, good luck.
Anywhere, USA:
This is just a question about the etiquette of your Live Online column.
If you submit a question and it doesn't get picked to get answered should you resubmit to remind you and Lisa the question is there OR should you not resubmit and just know that your question is there in the archives and you and Lisa will get to it if you choose to?
Thanks, AS
Carolyn Hax: Thanks for the chance to revisit this, since the mechanics come up a lot: Please don't submit reminders. Given the volume of questions and the time I have to answer them, I get to maybe 5, 10 percent of them at best. The ones I don't use go to not-used land, unless I happen to pull one out for a future column. If you want to try again in the next discussion, that's fine.
Minneapolis, Minn.:
My fiance of several years broke up with me about a month ago. I have tried to put it behind me and move on.
The problem: him trying to call me on my cell and e-mailing me. His e-mails are very nasty and vindictive. I try to be unemotional and step above the fray, but he usually returns my e-mails with a snide commments, "that was terse. Should I hire a lawyer?" What is going on with him, and how do I get him to leave me alone?
Carolyn Hax: He "returns my e-mails"? Why are you eamiling him?
Boston, Mass.:
Hello!
My live-in boyfriend just cancelled plans we had tonight to go out with the guys. I don't care so much as our plans were casual and I certainly have tried to adhere to "if you love them, set them free" notion. However, his appeal to my understanding nature happens more than I like and I end up feeling like a doormat. Ugh. Where's the balance?
Carolyn Hax: Somewhere in the non-shrill conversation you have with him about this. There's nothing necesarily wrong with his bailing on casual plans when something really cool comes up--and you should feel free to do the same. But he should also actively want to be with you plenty of other nights. When you become the default entertainment when there's no better offer, you have to wonder why he has a girlfriend. Well, actually, I guess you don't ... but you have to wonder why you've signed up for that.
London, England:
Last night I took my mum out to dinner to celebrate her birthday. I picked a particular restaurant that I know has a wide selection of tasty food and would make her feel pampered. She spent the meal complaining about the food and telling me that my friends aren’t good enough for me because they do not all have “professional” jobs. When I told her that it’s not her business whom I chose as friends or dates, she left the restaurant. I’ve come to the conclusion that I should not take her to restaurants any more since she doesn’t seem to enjoy the experience (even though she gets upset if I forgo this yearly ritual). However, this negative behavior seems to be typical for her anymore –- after spending years being told by her, “If you can’t say anything nice, please don’t say anything,” may I offer her the same advice? My sister and I are both fed up with listening to her be nasty about our friends, especially when the only crime they seem to have committed is to have not gone to law school. (Can I comment here that my father did not have a degree when they got married?) Both of us are basically good kids (adults, really), good jobs, no dangerous behavior, etc. -– yet she acts like if she doesn’t know every last thing about our lives and our friends’ lives, then we are naturally abusing drugs (yes, she’s accused me of this). Any advice you can give to me on how to keep calm around her? She makes spending time with her so unpleasant, yet when I ask her to put herself in my shoes, she’ll admit she wouldn’t want to hear this from someone else –- and then start telling me what a horrible daughter I am.
I’ve suggested therapy -- not a chance. She considers it a major social failing. I’ve been in therapy and she still hasn’t recovered from the horror.
Carolyn Hax: I'm not sure there's a nonpharmaceutical way to stay calm around a family member who knows how to push all your buttons. All you can do is expect her to be exactly as awful as she is--e.g., stop thinking that your choosing just the right restaurant will make her feel good. She -wants- to feel bad, and the better the restaurant, the better the opportunity you hand to her to make you feel like [bleep]. Know whom you're dealing with, know ahead of time how much of her crap you'll put up with, and when she exceeds the limit, get the check and go home. Lather, rinse, repeat. She'll get the message eventually if the message is at all gettable.
Washington, D.C.:
Carolyn,
Loved the “Anti-Diva” concept in today’s column. I know several.
My question: I attended the wedding of a friend from college this summer. We graduated 10 years ago. Ran into a mutual acquaintance at the wedding that I had not seen since college and we connected immediately. We hung out all weekend during the festivities and have ever since. I knew this guy in college by our shared social circle, but not personally. Three months later, he is talking marriage. It felt right initially as we have so much in common on all levels. Our friends are psyched. However, I began to freak when I realized we have not been dating that long. Am I thinking too much?
Carolyn Hax: Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe the best thing you can do is say to him, "You're freaking me out." Find out just how good this relationship is. The honesty will serve you well, whether you stay with him or not.
Carolyn Hax: Oh, and thank you.
APO/FPO:
The recent disaster has left us all feeling a bit helpless, which is harder for some than others. It's been particularly hard on my husband, who's decided to contribute by joining the army. I feel like a hypocrite -- I think it's a wonderful and noble thing -- as long as someone else does it. But I'm not really ready to drop everything and trek around the globe in my husband's wake. Am I being selfish?
Carolyn Hax: I don't know, he's the one making decisions unilaterally for the marriage. The service life demands huge sacrifices from its families, and a lot of them don't make it through intact even when all parties are in agreement on living that life. Explain to him that, before you even get to the Army question, you have major objections to his acting without your input. Make that your first conversation because it'll be easier for you both to agree on something there. Then get into the "I admire your impulse to do something, can we just look at all the options before you choose which one to do?" conversation. The Army Reserve might be the perfect compromise. He can live locally, act globally, especially these days.
New York City, N.Y.:
Hi Carolyn,
What's wrong with me? I know everyone thinks the grass is greener on the other side, I'm NEVER happy with what I do or where I am in life. I wasn't happy with college and thought I'd be happy somewhere else. So for graduate school, I applied to a school in New York City that I've always wanted to attend. But now that I'm here, it's not so great and I'm not that happy to be here. Why am I never happy?
Carolyn Hax: Because you're looking for external things to do the hppiness job for you, vs. internal?
Arlington, Va.:
Carolyn,
What do you do about the boyfriend who will not dissapear? It has been more than 10 (!) years and he still calls at my parents, calls up friends (not mutual) to ask about me. I do not encourage but am beginning to think that I should be more than amused at this point. As far as I know, he is not stalking.
Carolyn Hax: Put out the word to friends and parents that if they have the misfortune of picking up the phone for one of his calls, they should say, hey, sorry, gotta bolt.
I'mnot sure whether to be more alarmed on your behalf because you dont' say how frequent the calls are.
22202:
Re: Monday's column about seeing the ex at a wedding. I have a similar dilemma with one MAJOR difference: I am not over him and not in a new relationship. He recently moved in with his girlfriend. We have been trying to do the just friends thing, but haven't talked since his move. So how do I handle being at a small wedding with them, given that I'm not sure I can look at them together without crying?
Carolyn Hax: Okay. Why AREN'T you over him? Any chance you're hanging on to some grief for your own reasons?
I'm not accusing you of this, she said, anticipating defensiveness--just steering you to the possibility.
New York, N.Y.:
Please, I need advice for a discussion happening tomorrow.
What do you think about couples who take a break to see if they're meant to be with each other? My BF and I are in mid-late 20s and have been dating for three years, but we don't know if we're "the one" for each other, we have religion difference issues, and he's not financially ready to make a commitment (living together, buying a ring, etc.). We're thinking of trying to be without each other (with a "no hooking up with other people" caveat) to see how it goes. What do you think of this? Thanks!
Carolyn Hax: I think you won't like what I think, which is, just break UP already. That's what I think.
Befuddled in Baltimore:
Carolyn! Lisa! Wasaaaap?
I have a pressing issue I could -really- use a fresh perspective on.
I have a friend who has a habit of "stealing away" guys her other girlfriends are interested in. Knowing this, I made the stupid mistake of telling her I was interested in a new mutual friend. Well, I think she's up to her old tricks again.
The problem, besides the fact that she's being a total, er, witch, is that she's also married (though she's whining to ALL our mutual friends that she wants a divorce).
So how should I handle this? Warn the guy, drop kick the friend, and write the husband? (who, BTW, is off in Georgia in bootcamp).
Carolyn Hax: Re her hitting on the guy you like, do nothing. The guy who blows her off and chooses you without warning/intervention/maneuvering is the guy you want. She sounds like a one-woman hangup parade, so surely plenty of men conclude on their own that they'd rather be in Georgia, too, right?
Re her friendship, why do you even want it?
Re: Dealing with mom:
Hi Carolyn --
I just wanted to toss in my 2 cents about a way of dealing with a hurtful mom. When I was in college, my sister and I sat down and wrote a letter to our mom, carefully and thoughtfully explaining why things she did/said were hurtful to us, why we reacted in certain ways to things she would do, why no one ever seemed able to have a constructive conversation, etc. It took three pages of explaining and when I mailed it I had no idea how it would go over. Obviously, she was shocked and at first very hurt by it, but I know she was able to sit down and read it in her own time and space, and to be presented with our side in a non-confrontational way. Now almost 10 years later, she occasionally refers back to the infamous "three-page letter," but I know that this is her way of letting us know that the message got through to her. I can't say that things are/have always been perfect with her, but I know being able to communicate our side to her via a letter really really improved things in the long run.
Carolyn Hax: Good suggestion, thank you. I don't think of the letter option enough.
Somewhere USA:
Carolyn,
When is it appropriate to tell a friend about other people's low opinion of her? In most cases, I would say that it doesn't matter what other people think, and why would I want to relay to my friend the fact that other people don't like her. In this case, though, she's a friend from work, and I have recently found out that other people at work find her incredibly arrogant and bossy. Since this is a work situation, I feel like maybe I should let her know how she's perceived, since it could affect future promotions and working relationships. Would you say something? How would you go about it?
Carolyn Hax: I'm not sure I would say something, for a couple of reasons. One, the older I get, the more I see the wisdom of "live and let live." She's an adult, she lives the way she chooses, and who's to say these other people are right and she's wrong? Which leads into another reason: Who says her supposedly bad traits won't in fact get her ahead in the end? And, even if we know it to be for the better, is it really in the friendship job description for us to try to change our friends? Preventing harm is one thing, but it's not like she's getting beaten. If she talks to you about a work conflict, then, by all means, give your opinion that maybe she should back off on X or Y issue. The big picture, though, is her call.
At the risk of sounding dense:
I'm not quite sure I understood your answer (probably I worded my question poorly) so, just so I'm clear.
reminders = bad
resubmissions of pretty much the same question are OK?
Carolyn Hax: resubmissions are okay -to subsequent discussions-. Please don't keep sending the same question in the same hour. That makes Lisa (even more) squirrelly.
No City, No State:
This took some guts to ask a rather difficult question, hope you will answer it. I am a 23-year-old woman with a very large chest. Not to the point where it causes me pain, or is considered abnormal, but to the point that men do not seem to look me in the eye. I am tired of my breasts getting more attention than me, no matter what I wear. If I wear something fitted, which I do because I have a small waist and baggy clothing hangs on me, and makes me look unattractive, men look directly at them. It's embarassing. Even when I am romantic with a guy, they usually pay more attention to my chest than to me. I wish they would notice my eyes and my face. I feel horrible about it, I shouldn't have to hide them, I am a very modest person. It's nice that I have a nice figure, but it upsets me that I am a very smart and kind person, and all that is being overlooked. Please give me some advice. I just feel awful.
Carolyn Hax: Hey, this is an anonymous forum--no guts necessary.
I'm not sure what you want me to tell you, though. A large percentage of people are thugs. Men and women. You have a body that's a male-thug magnet, and that wouldn't be your choice, but there it is. So you have, far as I can count, three choices: Conceal, surgically alter, accept. First option, in my opinion, sucks. Second is serious business--I don't think breast reductions are even classified as cosmetic surgery. They're reconstructive surgery, leave premanent scars and can affect your ability to breastfeed, so I'm not sure "sick of being ogled" is sufficient incentive for that. Which leaves accept. The people who address conversations to your face are the people you want in your life. As with all physical/emotional hurdles in life, there's the upside of having a built-in jerk filter. Wish there were more I could say.
Never Happy:
Could you please expand on your answer to Never Happy in New York City? I feel the same way and was a little confused by your response.
Thanks.
Carolyn Hax: It's like the question from Southern Virginia, she thinks if she moves to NoVA then everything will be okay! Which everything of course won't. To a certain extent, happiness does have its geographic element, which is why I don't live in Kabul--but when you're thinking X city or Y school will make you happy, you're usually missing the internal point: that you're not happy because you, I don't know, don't have satisfying emotional connections to other people, or you're in a career to satisfy ego/appearances instead of one you'd really enjoy, or you feel you're not living up to your own potential.
Better?
Stood Up:
My boyfriend had made plans with a friend of ours to meet for dinner on Wednesday night. She was going to meet us at our place at 8:30 p.m. At 9:15, we decided to get some take out before our favorite place closed at 9:30. No calls, no e-mails, nothing.
I wrote asking if she was OK -- wouldn't want to yell at her if she had been in the ER or something. No response yesterday. Today she finally responds to the e-mail saying her car had broken down earlier in the day and she didn't get home until 9, at which point she went directly to bed. Didn't even really apologize.
Suffice it to say, I am pretty annoyed. She did just move and said she didn't know where our phone # was, so that's probably true, but I'm listed.
So, I guess my question is -- how justified am I in being angry about this? She's typically too busy to hang out, but we always have fun when we do. She even invited us to an outing tonight (with a bunch of people we don't know), but I'm pretty disgusted with her right now. I mean, we sat there, hungry, waiting for her for 45 minutes.
On the other hand, my reactions to these types of things are probably why I don't have(and never really have had) any friends.
Are my standards too high? What do you think?
Carolyn Hax: She did a pissy thing, but one that strikes me as minor enough to be wiped off the grudge slate with a simple apology. You say she "Didn't even really apologize." Did she or didn't she? If there was one, even a lame one, drop it. If there wasn't, then call her and tell her you're still bothered by that.
Been there, done that:
Re: large breasts, small waist.
Breast reduction is serious surgery, and one needs to think long and hard about it. BUT it does not mean that you can't breast feed and the scars do fade (seven years after mine, you can barely see them, as opposed to my mother's -- after 35 years, still there). I am SO happy with my reduction, I can't even tell you.
Remember though, there are good guys out there. Don't get a reduction because of the idiots. Get one for you.
Carolyn Hax: Thanks (And it's not that you -can't- breastfeed, it's that losing the ability to is one of the risks).
20004:
For my fellow large breasted submitter --
My standard response to any guy that attempts to carry on a conversation with my chest is, "They don't talk..." Say it in a friendly way and it works pretty well -- sufficient embarrassment without being malicious.
Carolyn Hax: thanky.
Re: New York city, N.Y.:
Is it possible that the person who is never happy is depressed? No matter where she goes and no matter what she does she's unhappy? Maybe she needs a viewpoint adjustment (or medicine) through counseling? Maybe I should stop turning all my statements into questions? I'm outta here?
Carolyn Hax: Possibly? But isn't external-happiness-chasing pretty common and better first addressed through contemplation?
Can I be outta here too?
Thanks, everybody, and see you ... is Tuesday at 3 okay? Mind if I reschedule?
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