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Tell Me About It
Hosted by Carolyn
Hax
Washington Post Staff Writer
Monday, Sept. 24, 2001; 3 p.m. EDT
Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.
Appearing every Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ® offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 34-year-old displaced New Englander and eight-year newspaper veteran with still-married parents, three older sisters, a mad-artist husband and way too many shoes. Her "expertise" (she added the quotation marks, we didn't) is in bad dates, school pressures, strict parents and dubious decisions, and she specializes in stupid teenage stunts, which she likes to call "learning experiences."
The transcript follows.
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Mclean, Va.:
What do you do when your boyfriend of one year and your friend of 10 years (same person) says they want to take a break and then in a follow up conversation says he knows he needs to make a committment? Should I ask him to clarify or wait and see?
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He believes we have moved away from our base of being friends too much and that we have to re-establish that and then move on to the boyfriend/girlfriend aspect. HELP -- I am so confused!
Carolyn Hax: You tell him you love him (assuming you do) and you like how things are going so far (assuming you do) and you want him to take whatever time he needs to be as sure as you are, either way. Let him sort this out before any more Conversations get under way.
Maryland:
War paranoia question to ask: Before Sept. 11, my husband and I would discuss how many kids we wanted to have. Now we're discussing whether or not to even HAVE kids! My husband has no problem with the idea, but I'm having second thoughts. What if we get attacked again, this time more extensively? What if the draft gets reinstated and they take my husband? All sorts of questions like that are running through my mind. I'm 27 and at risk for early menopause due to my menses starting irregularly and early (try age 10), and he's 34, so it's not like we've got a lot of time to wait here! My parents are no help whatsoever-my mother even came right out this spring and ORDERED us not to have kids until she retired in three years, otherwise she wouldn't be able to help us! (Given the fact that she hates our religion and way of life anyway, I don't know if I'd want her around our kids anyway!) His folks wouldn't mind us having kids. To breed or not to breed, that is the question. What do you think?
Carolyn Hax: I think your best friend must be named Henny Penny. Holy freakout, Batman.
Look, multiple times a day for the past 11 years, you've been taking dramatically greater risks with your life than terrorism poses, without so much as a second thought. It's called "driving." You're much more likely to die of the cumulative effects of microwave burritos. Breed if you want children. (Though I pity your sitters.)
Carolyn Hax: Whups, I believe I've sprung an exasperation leak.
Philadelphia, Pa.:
Carolyn --
Ugh. I warn you: Questions like the one that follows make you get down on your hands and knees and thank God for guy friends.
I need a refresher course on "chubby etiquette." My good friend is working my last nerve since she lately feels the need to constantly b%-ch and moan about her weight. I can't count how many times I hear "I'm so fat" in any given week. I've analyzed her behavior countless times, and I honestly don't believe that she is saying this aloud simply to get a positive reaction from me -- I mean, if that was the case, she should be sick of the "You're nuts" response I give every single time. The issue is is that in the same instant that she states that she hates her body, she is swallowing down junk food and watching tv. See how my sympathy is running dry, Carolyn? What the heck can I do, without blowing up and screaming "Then do something about it!"? I don't want to ruin this friendship -- yet, I value honesty.
Help!
Carolyn Hax: See if you can make something palatable out of these ingredients:
I don't care if you're heavy or not, but I do care that you've become a rack-and-thumbscrews bore. Either stop yapping about your weight and deal with it, or talk to me about what's really going on inside.
Palo Alto, Calif.:
I'm a recently married man. However, it seems as if my desire to date and play the field is stronger then ever. Mind you, this is not just some oh, she's hot, it's more of, wow, what if we were out at dinner, at a bar, in bed, etc., etc. It's gotten to the point where I've actually answered a personal or two but never acted on my desire.
I'm wondering whether I'm ready for the commitment of marriage. Any thoughts?
Dating Delerious
Carolyn Hax: Hello, answering a personal or two IS acting on your desire. There's no way for me to know why you're sabotagiong yourself here, only that you are. Since you're so close to the brink, you should skip the untrained attitude-challenged online adviser and cut straight to counseling, solo. Good luck. and cut it OUT.
Connecticut:
Hello, Carolyn,
I'll get to the point: how does a guy know when he is out of his league? I work in the trades and am trying to start a handyman sort of business. I was at the home of a friend helping him work up some info to hire a contractor. His daughter was there helping him and his wife with some yardwork. We -- the daughter and I -- started talking and I asked her to lunch and one thing lead to another and we have been dating for three months now.
I am really attracted to her -- not just physically -- and want to get to know her better but there are some big class difference between us. (Yeah, maybe I shouldn't watch PBS.) For example, I graduated from high school and she has a phd which she did not tell me about. She works at a university and I found it out when a person there called her "Dr. Smith." After out third date she suggested we split the cost of whatever we do. I liked that even though I was brought up to believe a man pays for everything. So, well, do you think there is a chance for any kind of long-term relationship?
Thanks.
Carolyn Hax: Hulloo. If the two of you work well together intellectually, emotionally and physically, then it doesn't matter where you are sheepskinly or fois grasly. Have fun.
Washington, D.C.:
OK, Carolyn, any chance you'll let us peanuts know the story of "Murph"?
Carolyn Hax: Of course. He was a great friend of mine in high school, then boyfriend briefly around graduation, then friend again for the past 17 years, all almost seamlessly. He has been heavily on my mind of late because he died in New York that awful Tuesday, and I wrote the whole answer about the beauty of becoming attracted to a close friend before I realized I was talking about him. That's who Murph is.
Somewhere, USA:
I am torn. One of my best friends is getting married soon. I used to like the guy because I thought he treated her like the great person she is. Only lately, when I hang out with them, he treats her like s--t. Criticizes everything she does (and I mean everything -- the way she scooped ice cream?!) and at one point said she was as "dumb as a box of rocks." Now after being with them a few times since I realize this wasn't an isolated incident. (He goes out of his to embarrass her in front of other friends and work colleagues) Plus, lately my friend just doesn't look happy. She has taken to just rolling her eyes at him with a basic "whatever" expression. I feel like I should say something, but don't know if it is appropriate. I know that if the rolls were reversed, she would have no problem telling me what she thought, but with the wedding so close, I don't want her to think that I am not supportive. Any advice? I just want to make sure she is happy and treated with respect.
Carolyn Hax: It's totally appropriate, who gives a [la la la] when the wedding is.
Can I just say, being muzzled [bleeps] [bleep].
Carolyn Hax: One reason I love what I do:
For Connecticut:
It does matter though, that she didn't mention the Ph.D. Sounds like she feels awkward about it, and maybe it's a good idea to have a talk about this issue. then move on with enjoying each other.
Carolyn Hax: one more coming ...
Re: Connecticut:
Maybe she didn't tell him about the Ph.D. because she didn't want to make him feel uneasy about their differences. Sheesh. People worry too much.
Carolyn Hax: There. Or am I the only one who enjoys this stuff. Anyway, nice bookend opinions.
And one for the middle: CT didn't say whether she said "I WORK at a university" or "I TEACH at ..." or some such. the latter would be the much more natural way of saying who she is and what she does. Her baldly declaring her degree status would be the more alarming scenario, don't you think?
Seattle, Wash.:
Dear Carolyn,
I am a 41-year-old just getting back into dating after a long time by myself. In the past I've had difficulty meeting women who are right for me because I don't want to have children, and have other unusual features, physically and spiritually.
My dilemma: I have just met a woman who seems to agree with me on many things, and I like her company. My concern is that I may not be attracted to her strongly enough physically. Comlicating the question is the reality that I have met many (too many) women who liked me as a friend, but could not picture being attracted to me physically. I know that this is something that can improve with time, especially if the emotional feeling is strong. But I'm not sure how long I should go before I make a decision. Certainly before we would start sleeping together. I did that once before, and it was painfully obvious to both of us when we accepted that it just wasn't happening physically. Can I avoid going through that again, or does it just come with the territory when dating? I think it will kill the vibe if I was up-front about it before I even know what might develop.
Thanks,
More scared of dating than flying
Carolyn Hax: However you phrase it, find a way to be friends. I know: if she starts dropping the physical hints--leaning in, showing up nekkid--just say you aren't ready for that. You don't have to say -why- you arent ready, or whether you'll ever be. It's true, though, some attractions are instant, some develop with time.
Carolyn Hax: So, just how weird are you? I mean, "unusual."
Somewhere:
Hi Carolyn,
I am hurt and confused. My gf of eight months wants to "take time apart" because she just got back fomr a mission trip in Romania and feels that she must "give her life to God." I am religious, but I like to have two feet on the ground. Should I wait til she changes back into the girl I fell for or is it time to move on?
Confused
Carolyn Hax: Howdy. Even though He is involved, this is taking a break like any other: Regard it as permanent until you are told otherwise. I'm sorry. But it's better than waiting around, which is an express bus to bonkers.
Carolyn Hax: my god, I'm channeling Col. Potter.
New York, N.Y.:
Carolyn:
For a little over a year, I've been very close friends (some would say "best") with a former roommate. Throughout our friendship, we have both had our ups and downs with guy issues, and her particular problem was being overly obssesive for an abusing jerk. She is currently dating a wonderful man, who provides her with emotional and a TON of financial support.
A few days ago, I had it out with her. Angry for the repetitive "blowing off" that she does, and hurt by her increasing lack of personality (she's turning into her boyfriend, which troubles me as she always was such an independent girl). Was I wrong to get angry? It looks like it could be the end of our friendship, and I feel justified. I feel, however, like I'm putting her boyfriend and their relationship between us. Is this wrong or reasonable?
--Thanks
Carolyn Hax: Too much to sort through probably but I'll try. 1. re being wrong to get angry, there's no such thing. It's just something you feel, and there's usually a reason for it, and the important thing is what you do with it. First thing you should always do is figure out why. Maybe your friend has been negligent ... or maybe you're jealous ... or maybe you hate your job and your meds need adjusting and bitching at her just came easily. You know better than I do, but teeing off is rarely the jackpot-winning response, whether you've thought through your reasons or not.
2. About this wonderful guy. The behavior you describe--her blowing you off, becoming mousy--is symptomatic of an abusive relationship. Sure she isn't repeating her past mistake, only with a slicker, more image-conscious guy? Check out www.peaceathome.org and pay special attention to the part about abusers' isolating their victioms from friends and family.
Washington, D.C.:
Horse puckey! Bull hockey! Pass the scotch! washingtonpost.com:
I have no idea what this is in reference to, but can I just say amen. -- Lisa.
Carolyn Hax: Not Russell, which I guess says enough.
washingtonpost.com:
Sorry -- I was editing questions and missed the first reference. And after watching the "M*A*S*H" marathon on FX this weekend, too. -- Lisa. (prefer Col. Blake)
Ph.D.ville:
Carolyn:
As a woman with a Ph.D. I wanted to send a note to the "out of my league" guy. A Ph.D. means you spent five (or more) years looking into something deeply and figuring out something interesting about it. In some fields this is a Ph.D. In some fields this is called owning your own business or being a good parent or teacher of the year. And most of us Ph.D.s are in awe of people who DO things, since we're often thinkers and talkers but rarely doers -- my guess is that you're a good match.
Carolyn Hax: I like it ... thanks ... your brain must be THIS BIG.
Carolyn Hax: I'm going to send my lunch scraps out for analysis.
Washington, D.C.:
Hi Carolyn:
I was just tested for herpes, and am awaiting the response. While my symptoms were only "suspicious" and the doctor could not tell by sight that it is in fact the virus, due to the fact that I have had a few irresponsible sexual experiences it is very likely.
Is this the end of my sexual life? Will I have to tell every guy I ever kiss or want to sleep with that I have this? I am prepared to deal with my poor past decisions, but I am afraid of the general perception of people with STDs. Your thoughts?
Carolyn Hax: No, it isn't the end, but if you do have herpes it'll be different, and more difficult. You will have to have to tell people before you sleep with them. (You may continue to smooch with abandon and without disclosure.) And, assuming you're not in an established, exclusive sexual relationship, you may even consider abstaining for a while--the virus is generally at its most active when the infection is new. Talk to your doc about this.
But these things make it more difficult -upfront-. In a way, some things could get easier--like spotting the keepers. They're the ones who hear your health news and think more of you for it instead of less, because you had the guts to be honest. Good luck, and hope you don't need it.
Carolyn Hax: By the way, you could have used a condom and gotten herpes, so don't get too hung up on the bad-decision thing. Stop making them, by all means--but don't jump on the STD/snap-judgment bandwagon, either. It's too full already.
McLean, Va.:
Wow-a MASH allusion from you, that is not something I really ever expected from the Carolyn Hax live chat. Who was your favorite character-default of Hawkeye seems to obvious because of the New England connection. washingtonpost.com:
Trapper ruled. And Col. Blake. But is that like saying you like the old Van Halen better? -- Lisa.
Carolyn Hax: No no no. Col. Flagg--he was the MAN.
Is it just me, or was Hawkeye just a cheap Bugs Bunny imitation?
I have got to go.
Northeast:
For Washington, D.C.: Col. Potter's eternal rejoinder to nonsense was "horse hockey!"
And Carolyn, I'm so sorry about Murph.
Carolyn Hax: Thank you, I am too. We all are, really, aren't we, whether we knew anybody or not.
This is the perfect two-tone to end on--a laugh and a cry. Besides, Murph was smart and funny as hell. He'd get it. HAve a good week, everybody, and type to you Friday.
washingtonpost.com:
That wraps up today's show. Thanks to everyone who joined the
discussion.
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