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Tell Me About It
Hosted by Carolyn
Hax
Washington Post Staff Writer
Monday, Sept. 10, 2001; 3 p.m. EDT
Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.
Appearing every Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ® offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 34-year-old displaced New Englander and eight-year newspaper veteran with still-married parents, three older sisters, a mad-artist husband and way too many shoes. Her "expertise" (she added the quotation marks, we didn't) is in bad dates, school pressures, strict parents and dubious decisions, and she specializes in stupid teenage stunts, which she likes to call "learning experiences."
The transcript follows.
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Arlington, Va.:
How do I tactfully tell one of my best friends that I don't want to go to her bachelorette party because I think they idea of 15 grown women getting "wasted" (her words not mine) and going to a strip club is pretty unappealing/distasteful to say the least?
Carolyn Hax: You're telling me you're close, and this difference has never come out? Seems to me that to claim her as one of your best friends, you need some history of openness on the party issue. Either she knows it's not your thing, or doesn't care, or has never had to care to care because you've both managed not to make a big deal out of it over the years. Whatever the magic formula has been, it applies here as well. In practical terms, that means you either skip it with a no thanks, or offer to be the designated disaster-proofer, or talk to her about your ambivalence. Just skip the part where you get all judgmental. Oy.
What We Already Knew::
Carolyn,
Since you're too way too modest to share this with the peanuts, allow me. That's right folks, Time mag announced its choice for America's Best Advice Columnist.
http://www.cnn.com/SPECIALS/2001/americasbest/TIME/society.culture/pro.chax.html
Congrats!
So that explains the photographer intruding on your vacation. But where are the fuzzy leopard skin mules?
Carolyn Hax: Thanks! Of course, I could still modestly not post this, but since you questioned my shoe choice ...
Fuzzy animal-print heels? On Cape Cod? In August? Even fetishes have limits. The photog got me as-is, baby.
Thanks to others, too, for all the nice messages.
Baltimore, Md.:
I love your column, read it every week.
I'm recently coming out of a relationship and feeling a need to guard my self a little. How do know the difference between learning from experience and stereotyping? For example, my last relationship ended because he was recently divorced and felt he wasn't ready for another relationship. So my inclination is to avoid all recently divorced people. But then you hear about relationship that start that way and work out just fine. I don't want to write off great people but I also don't want to make the same mistakes over and over again. Thoughts? Thanks so much.
Carolyn Hax: I think the difference between learning from experience and stereotyping is how quickly you force yourself back "out there." (Hate the term. For the record.) Life isn't some sort of game where the object is to get paired off before the music stops. You either run across someone who makes you feel good, and for good reasons, and therefore you go out of your way to spend time with him--or you don't, and so you don't. Right now, you've been batted around a bit emotionally, and so you're not feeling too good about yourself just yet, and so maybe the last thing you should be worried about is the marital status of your next date. Live. Breathe. Do stuff for you until your judgment is back at full strength. Then keep living, breathing, doing stuff because that's what the object is, if you need to pretend that there is one.
Washington, D.C.:
Happy rainy Monday, Carolyn, please advise on this stupid situation. A couple of my college friends are getting married; it's going to be a great reunion and I'm really looking forward to it. Just found out that one of the guys who received an invitation including "guest" is bringing the arch-enemy and ex-friend of the bride as his date. My friend says that enough time has passed and that the girls should bury the hatchet, and that the arch-enemy is willing to, so the bride should be too. I'm the only one who knows about his little plan because we're the only ones who live in the District. He's asked me not to tell anyone.
Carolyn, I think this is completely assinine and I want to put a stop to this. The bride is a sweetheart and should not have this kind of drama on her wedding day. But my friend is the only guy from college in this area, and I don't want to weaken our friendship. Can you tell me the most tactful way to deal with this situation? Much appreciated. By the way -- my girlfriend says "Hi."
Carolyn Hax: Tis a happy Monday, thanks, but I have sun out my window ... I should have set myself up outside ... Oh, and hello, Girlfriend.
You had a question, I think ...
Your friend is a big fat jerk. What a MAROON. Tell him you're giving him a chance to tell the bride himself, and, if he doesn't, you will. Even if one thinks it's a brilliant damn idea to stage an ambush--which, for all maroons in the audience today, it isn't--a person's wedding day is not the most thoughtful time to stage it.
I suppose you will run the risk of alienating the maroon, but I think it's hard to defend making the bride unhappy because you want to preserve your social niche. If it makes you feel better, HE's the one weakening the friendship, because he's an ass.
Gawd.
Carolyn Hax: Good thing I'm above name-calling.
Washington, D.C.:
Ouch, Carolyn. My best friend's father had a stroke on Sunday and the prognosis isn't good. Any concrete suggestions on what I can do or say for the family? She lives in D.C. but is a few states away right now (her mom and dad were on vacation when it happened, so they're in that hospital). Besides the obligatory "is there anything I can do?" is there really anything I can do? Do I just wait until she comes back home? Any good phrases or actions in the meantime? (I feel like making her food or something; it's terrible being so helpless.)
Carolyn Hax: I've found that "anything I can do?" is a thoughtful question, but an unanswerable one. It's better to make concrete suggestions that she can then accept or reject. Eg, any chance you could travel to where she is next weekend, maybe take her out to dinner? If yes, then offer to do it. She can say yes or no. If she says no, then all you can do is keep in touch--call, email--until she gets back, but even then, ask her if it's okay to call her frequently. Whether it's the right or wrong thing to do depends on the person, so better to let her decide. When she gets back, make specific offers--wanna see a movie/join me for lunch/come over to watch a video/etc. The stress and sadness of something like this tend to occupy so much of your brain that it's hard, if not impossible, to form active social thoughts. The best thing you can do is not force her to to have any. Make sense?
Carolyn Hax: Oh, and sending food is a fine impulse, too.
Washington, D.C.:
Hi Carolyn,
A good friend just that revealed her husband, also a good friend, hit her in a rage one evening.
I have no idea how to handle this one. They are now getting counseling.
Do I stay out of it? Against my better judgment?
Carolyn Hax: Direct her to to www.peaceathome.org. Her trying to sort things out through counseling and her being fully informed for her own safety aren't mutually exclusive ideas. Put it to her that way--it's less touchy than coming off as if you're encouraging her to leave. Good luck.
Man-hater:
Carolyn, I am so angry at men because of my father and ex-boyfriends. I have been in counseling but it doesn't really get better. How can I get over this?
Carolyn Hax: Well, a new counselor for one, plus a new attitude. There's an excellent chance you sought out in men what you hated in your father, so you could go out and "win" this time. Course, all you got was men you hated.
Course, too, this is an oversimplification, but it's just to get you on a new thought path. It's also not even close to the level of oversimplification in your man-hating behavior. What you're doing--herding all men into the same bastard corral--is SO patently unfair, to the point where, if it were reversed and you ran across a similarly woman-hating man, you'd go ballistic. Yes, people do tend to fall into a bunch of similar behavior patterns and types, but that by definition means that there's more than one, more than just your father's. When you go to therapy, the goal should be to change YOUR pattern, the one that makes you keep seeking out the same guy.
I know that didn't sound terribly compassionate, and I'm sorry, because I am in a lot of ways--it's just that, even if you are legitimately a victim, that doesn't give you carte blanche to blame half the planet. Kind of gets my hackles up.
Re: Maroon:
So Carolyn, out of curiosity, since this may happen to a friend of mine at her wedding:
What do you do if the maroon has been dating and living with the arch-enemy for a long period of time? Invite him solo anyway to avoid the bride's displeasure?
Carolyn Hax: No, I think if the A.E. is a known and established part of the social circle, particularly a live-in one, the couple should extend the invitation and the bride just discreetly but civilly sidestep the person as needed. classy thing to do. Unless, of course, the A.E. did something unforgivable to said bride. Then the maroon should be aware of this and step up by declining the invite for both him and A.E. But of course, he probably wouldn't be her live-in if he saw her behavior as unforgiveable ...
Re: Maroon:
Good to see Bugs Bunny still has influence. What a wabbit. washingtonpost.com:
Wascally. -- Lisa.
Carolyn Hax: My hewo.
"Duck, Rabbit, Duck" is the nonprescription cure for depression.
Re: friend's father had stroke:
My father had a stroke in July (doing well, thanks).
Good advice -- offer something concrete. I did find it good to get away and to talk about something else! One idea: when they get back to the D.C. area, offer to sit for your friend's father so that your friend and her mother can get out. It's really hard constantly being with someone who's sick and can't be left alone.
Leaving "thinking of you messages" is good too -- especially including little cheery caring jokes, etc. Please make sure you underline the fact that you're not expecting to hear back. I appreciated that everyone was concerned and cared and called -- but it was very wearing. I spent literally hours everyday reapeating the same thing.
Good lock for your friend's father's full recovery. She's lucky to have you there, you sound like you're a good friend to her -- just being there is huge.
Carolyn Hax: OOOH, the "no need to respond" suggestion is excellent, thank you.
Is there anything I can do?:
If the friend is suddenly and unexpectedly out of town, has her mail been picked up? Is there someone watering her plants? Are there any other mundane little tasks of her everyday life that need to be taken care of while she's gone? Also, the day she gets home, drop by (maybe call first?) with some milk and other perishables that have undoubtedly gone bad in her fridge. Of course, I'm assuming she's single and lives alone.
Carolyn Hax: Another good one, thanks.
Washington, D.C.:
Carolyn,
My boyfriend has a tendency to make gender stereotypes, like women are bad drivers, overly emotional, think with estrogen, etc. He thinks this is funny and harmless and says that it "doesn't run that deep with him." He also says, the way he sees it, both genders have faults, and he likes to generalize, label and point out faults. He also thinks that women who are offended by what he says are "self-hating psychos." Almost all of his generalizations deal with women, not men, it bothers me, and I think there's something wrong with it. Am I being unreasonable?
Carolyn Hax: Yes. You are going out with a very boring man.
New York, N.Y.:
Hi Carolyn,
I've got an age-old dilemma I suppose. I've been seeing someone for a couple of months now, things have been rocky of late and we've only seen each other intermittently with things feeling complicated each time. This weekend was out with friends and met a friend of friends with whom I really clicked. I told him about Bachelor 1 and things remained platonic, but we're both clearly interested. I'm reminded of a comment in a column of yours years ago about "serious relationships" being hard work and people thinking deep thoughts over candlelight dinners (or something like that). Bachelor 1 seems to represent that. Bachelor 2 seems to represent the opposite, though I haven't known him long enough to really tell. how does one proceed with caution in situations like this? Can I see both of them at once for a little while before making a decision??
Carolyn Hax: I suppose, as long as you're honest. But choosing between Bachelors strikes me as an excessively limiting mindset. Weigh 1 on his merits, or lack of, and respond accordingly. Weigh 2 on his merits, or lack of, and respond accordingly. Etc. And if you happen to be weighing 1, 3 or 15 of them individually simultaneously, so be it. There aren't two men in the world, there are 3 billion.
Hartford, Conn.:
Hi Carolyn,
Need your balanced, sane opinion. My ex-boyfriend, a manipulative, control-freak nightmare of a man who was also physically abusive, is now dating an acquaintance of mine. She and I are not close, and I've never told her what he did to me; let's just say he left me with a nice fat lip and a black eye. I reciprocated with a restraining order.
My quandary is, of course, do I tell her? She's a good person and I would hate to see her get hurt (bear in mind we're not just talking heartache, we're talking physical scars). Can any good come of that? Or should I mind my own business?
Thank you for any insight and advice you can give.
Carolyn Hax: Remember that you might risk more physical harm by saying something, so you need to be really careful. But I also think that if I were this acquaintance, I'd be REALLY interested on what you had to say--and pretty p***ed if you or some other friend didnt tell me. Is there some other friend, perhaps closer to her, who could buy her a possibly lifesaving drink?
One more general thing: Anyone with these sticky domestic-abuse questions, male or female, friend or abuser or victim, should always keep in mind the hotline option. This way, you can get into more detail than you can here, which is key, and you can talk to a trained, experienced couselor, which is keyer. (yeah yeah.) There are a bunch of them, but the nat'l one is 1-800-799-SAFE.
Friend of the Daughter, Here:
Just wanted to say thanks -- I did the "thinking of you but no need to call me back" message this morning, and she has a roommate (of only FOUR DAYS -- what a way to start a living relationship), so I'm not as worried about the milk going bad, but the giving her social plans and being there for her mom are excellent ideas. Thanks to everyone.
Carolyn Hax: Thanks for asking. You sound like a good egg.
Carolyn Hax: I LOVE YOU, MAN!
Carolyn Hax: Is it okay to get punchy on a Monday, or do I have to wait till Friday.
Man-hater again:
Carolyn, thanks for answering my previous question, especially since it got your hackles up. Since you have a healthy view of men, and hear from a lot of them, please tell me: Are there really men who don't crave pornography? Are there men who won't lie to get what they want? Are there men who will actually work on a relationship? Are there men who do half the household chores without resentment and without being told?
Carolyn Hax: Hey, thanks for not getting annoyed that I got all hackley.
I'd say the answer is yes, yes, yes and yes, but you KNOW this, I KNOW you know this. I just suspect your anger has become, however counterintuitive this sounds, a nice comfy place for you to hang out. Maybe because it's risk-free: You know in advance that everything sucks, so you've got no new hassles when it actually does. It takes a certain amount of strength to kick your way out of the familiar. But you have it, we all do, so use it.
Washington, D.C.:
When talking about relationships there are two words (among others) that I can't stand: closure and baggage (I especially hate baggage that won't close). As far as emotional baggage goes, what are your thoughts as to its existence. Is it something real that can be dealt with if you choose to deal with it, or is it a smoke screen for avoiding intimacy?
Carolyn Hax: Well, if someone is avoiding intimacy, the only human investment that guarantees a far greater payoff, then I'd say that person has baggage. I guess I'd define baggage as anything that gets in the way of a person's ability to judge each new individual as an individual, as opposed to prejudging/lumping/hating. Which is of course as real a problem as any.
Boston, Mass.:
I think it might be too late to ask about getting punchy.
Carolyn Hax: Hm. Maybe it was a rhetorical question.
It is too late for me to be here still, methinks. Thanks everybody, as always, and type to you Friday, as almost always.
washingtonpost.com:
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