Tuesday, December 23, 1997

Good afternoon and welcome to Levey Live. I'm your host, Washington Post columnist Bob Levey. We meet here each Tuesday, from noon until 1 p.m. Eastern time, to discuss major news stories and issues from Washington and elsewhere.

Levey Live features guests who are important newsmakers, and also reporters and editors from The Post's newsroom. Each week at this time, you will be able to ask them questions directly. The main idea of Levey Live is to give you a chance to participate, just as you would if this were a talk show on the radio or on television.

In addition to my 30 years on the staff of The Post, I have worked as a talk show host and commentator for seven radio stations and four TV stations. I am delighted to host this show, and I look forward to giving you a stimulating place to turn (and return).

Today, we look at holiday anxiety and how it seems to be a growing problem for so many of us. We'll have two guests.

For the first half hour or so, it's a pleasure to welcome John Ohmer. He is an Episcopal priest in Northern Virginia who runs a popular workshop called "Unplug the Christmas Machine." He offers it during the holidays each year. By all accounts, it is highly successful and helpful.

Our guest in the final portion of the program will be Washington Post staff writer Jacqueline L. Salmon. Her front-page article in yesterday's Post described how some parents don't think it's really Christmas unless they bake dozens of cookies, buy dozens of presents and work themselves into a frenzy.

Your questions for either guest are welcome at any time during the hour.

Bob Levey: Father Ohmer, so many people worry that they aren't feeling festive at this time of year. It's the result of pressure -- to buy expensive guests, to make a million Christmas cookies, to duplicate the Christmases they had as a child. Is this problem out of hand, and how do you deal with it?

Rev. John Ohmer: I do think it is a problem out of hand for many people. Those who attend the workshop at St. Mary's say there's very little joy as they try to be all things to all people. I deal with it through asking that people spend some time early -- say, October -- to ask themselves what they find meaningful about the holiday, and then spend time doing that, and let the rest go.

Takoma Park, Md.: Bob, my wife and I recently moved to D.C. This will be our first Xmas away from family and friends. We want to make the holiday special and intimate, but I'm concerned about us getting depressed on Xmas Day night (when we would be at the height of our familial revelry).

Any advice?

Nervous in Montgomery

Rev. John Ohmer: My wife and I spent our first Christmas on our honeymoon in Spain, away from family, too. It was depressing. But we began to see ourselves as "family" and created our own rituals. Free from the outside family, you can do that.

I would also suggest a nice long, long-distance call!

Bob Levey: Father, is there anything about living in the Washington area that makes pre-holiday stress more acute? They do have traffic and Christmas parties elsewhere, after all. Is the problem more intense here because WE are more intense here?

Rev. John Ohmer: I do think that inside the [Capital] Beltway, people have a harder time admitting we are only human. We try to do so much, all the time. Christmas is one of the few times we have a chance to convey our higher vaules, and so we try to make up for the other 11 months of the year, all in one month. More time with the kids, more time with charity, everything, all at once, and we try to do it all well. But we can't. So we need to decide what's most important and do that, and let the rest go.

Stafford, Va.: Bob, why don't we change the date we celebrate Christmas to the day after Christmas? That way we could take advantage of after-Christmas sales before Christmas!!!! Hmmmm. ... Maybe I've spent too much time in the malls over the last couple of weeks. ... Ya think?

Rev. John Ohmer: Well, actually, in most Chistian churches, Christmas is a SEASON, not just a day. Recall, the "Twelve Days of Christmas." It ends with Epiphany, Jan. 6.

That should allow us to spread out the holiday a little, put our lights up on Christmas Eve and keep them up for a while. Do the shopping the day after Christmas and give gifts each of those days, culminating with Epiphany gifts. After all, that is when the wise men gave THEIR gifts to baby Jesus...

Bob Levey: So many people seem to think about Christmas in "ultimates" -- the ultimate gift, the ultimate eggnog, the ultimate batch of cookies. Does this account for a lot of the (self-imposed) pressure?

Rev. John Ohmer: Yes.

I think part of that pressure is we try to make up for a lack of affection in the other 11 months.

Theologically speaking, "ultimate" belongs only to God. Perfection belongs only to God. That should allow us to give ourselves a break and just be human! Things offered in love are better received, anyway. Think of kids' drawings.

Elk Creek, Va.: This year Aunt Bonnie is not putting up a Christmas tree and the nieces and nephews are (children 10 to 15 years old) horrified. How can Aunt Bonnie share with them that Christmas isn't necessarily about trees and presents, but about the birth of Christ?

Rev. John Ohmer: A lot of that depends on "Aunt Bonnie's" attitude. Is she doing that out of love, or anger or frustration? That attitude will speak more tha[n] the tree or lack thereof, I would think.

Her spending lots of time with her nephews -- having fun together, really paying attention to them -- would help them get over it. Maybe she has alternative plans, instead of the tree?

Reston, Va.: Father Ohmer, Have you heard of any creative or unique holiday rituals people have created?

Rev. John Ohmer: Well, I have seen some unique or creative rituals, but I think the ones that are the most meaningful are ones we inherit and modify to our own use. I'm thinking of lighting an Advent wreath each of the four Sundays prior to Christmas. Not putting up any decorations until Christmas Eve. Going together to a Christmas tree farm out in the country and then having dinner together in some out-of-the-way place.

Olney, Md.: Rev. Ohmer, can you tell us more about the workshop? How long does it run? Do you hold it each year? How did you come up with the idea? What does the workshop entail?

Rev. John Ohmer: The workshop is offered in October or November, and runs three consecutive weeks on Tuesday nights for two hours each night. It is based on Jo Robinson and Jean Staeheli's book, "Unplug the Christmas Machine." That book is available and is worth reading, even without the workshop.

The workshop is in three parts: Take inventory of everything that we do during the season; create a fantasy Christmas; and then put together a workable plan that "bridges" the two (bridges reality and the ideal world). We do try to hold it each year.

Silver Spring, Md.: This year, my and wife and her family decided not to exchange presents as usual. We have had a stressful year, and the added stress of finding the 'right' gift and making sure you didn't forget anyone was too much.

Instead, we are spending the day together, talking, reading, singing, enjoying our family and being together.

I wasn't sure at first that I'd like not giving gifts to people, but I am truly looking forward to it.

Rev. John Ohmer: Well, ironically, I think you and your wife are giving a great gift to each other. You know, if you talk to people from the older generations (people who grew up before and during World War II), they will tell you that Christmas was a lot like you and your wife are describing.

Congratulations. Tell your friend about your discovery!

Rockville, Md.: For all: Every year we have a problem with who travels where. We all live within 75 miles of each other but my mother-in-law will say things like, "I came up there for Thanksgiving, so you have to come to me for Christmas." I love her but for me to "come to her" we have to pack up three children, the presents, drive 1.5 hours then some ... pack everything back (including presents from her) in the truck (S.U.V.).

Is it so unfair to ask her to come to us? She lives alone and could stay a couple of days.

Rev. John Ohmer: Fools rush in where angels fear to tread. ... You want advice on your mother in law?!? My own strategy is unilateral, unconditional surrender.

Seriously, though, perhaps you could have a conversation (during the summer, when the emotions are not as high) and see if you can take turns. Tell her you want to establish your own customs at home, and you want to include her in them.

Bob Levey: Reminder: Washington Post staff writer Jacqueline L. Salmon will be our guest, beginning shortly after 12:30 p.m. Eastern time. Jackie's front-page story in yesterday's Post dealt with parents in the Washington area who feel it isn't Christmas unless they overwork themselves into a frenzy. You're welcome to file questions for her in advance.

Bethesda, Md.: Everyone is so focused on the superficial meaning of Christmas, to the point where they totally take the Christ out of it by abbreviating it as X-mas.

How do you think we could shift the focus back to where it belongs?

And for non-Christians out there, perhaps we could get them to focus on family instead of the superficial giving part of it.

That's why one of my favorite Christmas songs is the Little Drummer Boy. It's about a poor kid with nothing who gives something. That to me is what Christmas is about.

Rev. John Ohmer: Yes, that is what it is about. I don't known how to get non-Christians to focus on family instead of superficialities. We have enough trouble within our own community with this issue, so we don't cast stones, living in a glass house ourselves.

I think that as individuals, we can help with the shift you are talking about by not participating in it, to the degree we can.

P.S. In Greek, "Christ" begins with Chi, or "X," so actually, it is an appropriate abbreviation.

Bob Levey: More on non-Christians: Do you think they feel holiday anxiety in the same way? Or do you think they feel left out and therefore anxious for a different reason?

Rev. John Ohmer: I think a non-religious Christmas is like cut flowers on the table -- pretty to look at, meaningful, perhaps, but cut off from their roots, destined to wither and die. We need to have some sort of religious aspect to the holidays, be that Jewish or Christian or whatever faith one is raised in. Just having the ritual without the underlying reason just doesn't last for very long. The roots are what keep things alive. A rootless holiday will eventually wither and not provide life to us.

Wyncote, Pa.: For me, music is an important part of Christmas. How do you think music affects people's feeling at this time of the year?

Rev. John Ohmer: I think music is wonderful and definitely affects people at this time of year. That is why the advertising industry makes such good use of it, year round. We had, for a while, a custom of going to the "Messiah" at the Kennedy Center, and it really made the season. We replay it on CD, now, and try to recapture that mood.

Bob Levey: In five minutes, Washington Post staff writer Jackie Salmon joins us. If you have final questions for Rev. John Ohmer, please file them now. If you have questions for Jackie, please submit them now, to avoid traffic jams. Thank you.

Greenbelt, Md.: One of the things that stresses me is the perceived obligation to tip "service" personnel to whom I already pay a fee for their services -- Post deliverers, trash collection, letter carriers, cleaning lady, teachers, etc. Who's appropropriate? Where does the list begin and end? How much or what?

Rev. John Ohmer: I want to refer your question to Miss Manners. Tipping people at Christmastime shouldn't feel burdensome, but should be an extension of gratitude. Do you get an end-of-year bonus? How does or would that make you feel?

Springfield, Va.: A relative of mine gets upset if we don't spend enough for certain people. I disagree, but, what can I say?

Rev. John Ohmer: We shouldn't assume that spending more dollars is equivalent to caring more. If there is some way to express that you care, year round, for the people in question, it should take the pressure off to spend lots of money.

Bob Levey: Now we welcome Jacqui Salmon. Apologies for misspelling her nickname in my earlier messages. We begin, Jacqui, with a question from Pennsylvania:

Wyncote, Pa.: To Jacqueline Salmon: Do you think some of the frantic activity at Christmas is due in part to some guilt about not being more sharing, thoughtful and 'Christian' the rest of the year? A need to make up for lost ground?

Jacqui Salmon: Experts like family therapists and ministers and rabbis, say yes, a lot of frenzied activity around Christmas is because people are trying make up for what they didn't do during the year. Of course, it's impossible to make up for everything you think you didn't do all year in only a few weeks, but people keep trying.

Bob Levey: Jacqui, your story in yesterday's Post made me shudder, especially near the end, where you describe one family that spent nine hours at a shopping mall (in one day), another that shops at midnight. Can these people really be having fun?

Jacqui Salmon: That's a good question, Bob. These people say they love doing it. They want their kids to have a wonderful Christmas and they want their kids to have wonderful memories about Christmas. Are they crazy to be shopping late at night or all day? Probably, but today's busy families just don't have room in their packed schedules for everything, so they have to squeeze holiday activities in somewhere and late at night is the only opportunity they have.

Bob Levey: Jacqui, in researching your article, did you find people who wanted to stop overdoing Christmas, but didn't know how?

Jacqui Salmon: Actually, Bob, when it came to their kids, parents were happy and willing to go overboard if that's what you call it. When it comes to buying presents for Aunt Millie and Uncle Bob and cousin Willy, people said that yes, they wished they could cut back, but were unable. But most people I talked to felt that family is very important at Christmas time and they didn't want to slight their families in any way. Experts urge busy families to pick a theme for the holidays, for example "family" or "helping the poor," and then gear all their holiday activities around that theme.

Bob Levey: One question that you didn't address: Since so many people save up so much annual leave in the Washington area (I think I now have six weeks in the bank), why don't super-stressed parents simply take a day off to get all that shopping done?

Jacqui Salmon: Actually, Bob, some do. Several parents I interviewed took one or two days off to get gift shopping and other holiday activities out of the way. As a matter of fact, I am taking two weeks off in order to get all my holiday stuff done. Personally, I think taking time off at the holidays is essential to any parent's sanity, but not all parents are so fortunate as to have accumulated a lot of vacation time as you and I have. It's harder for them.

Bob Levey: Jacqui, so many people in your article said they were trying to recreate the Christmases they remember from their own childhoods. Do you think those Christmases of yesteryear were really as great as they remember, or is this the trick that memory plays on former children?

Jacqui Salmon: That's a good question, Bob. And, of course our memories play tricks on us. We always remember the good parts of the holidays and forget the grim parts. But that's OK as long as parents don't expect themselves to stage a perfect Christmas for their children.

Bob Levey: We have about five minutes left. If you have questions or comments for Washington Post staff writer Jacqui Salmon, please file them now.

Washington, D.C.: I really appreciated that article and had my solution ready. This year, I let go of things like excessive cooking and gifts, and am spending the time listening to Christmas music and coloring with my 2-year-old. It's relaxing! No one will be on their deathbed saying, "I wish I had baked more apple pie all those years!"

Jacqui Salmon: I'm sure a lot of parents wish they could have such determination to celebrate the holidays in such a wonderful fashion. Indeed, psychologists say that families should eliminate extraneous activities (like sending Christmas cards to 200 people you hardly talk to during the year). But that's hard to do. It's hard to break with tradition. And, in fact, some people get a genuine joy out of all the holiday rush.

Herndon, Va.: My husband and I have been married for two years. Each year I still find it difficult to coordinate Christmas with two families without one family getting hurt. For us, this is the most stressful part of the holiday season. Any suggestions?

Jacqui Salmon: Tell me about it! Some families have two or three sets of parents to worry about if their parents are divorced and remarried. And some kids face spending Christmas in two households if their parents are divorced. Those are tough situations and everyone needs to work them out in ways that work best for them. Some families tell me they alternate Christmases, spending one year at one parent's house and then the next year at the other parent's house. Experts warn that children shouldn't be expected to celebrate two Christmases in one day at their divorced parents' separate homes. They suggest that the child spend Christmas Eve at one parent's home and then Christmas day, if possible, at the other parent's home. The point is you need to do what's best for you and your children, even if it means ruffling some feathers.

Silver Spring, Md.: I have seven brothers and sisters, all married, four with kids. It got impossible to buy for all my siblings, their spouses, their children, plus our parents. They agreed. We now secretly swap names and buy for one adult and then for all the "grandkids," which numbers seven (a few more if you include the four-legged variety). It has reduced our stress immeasurably. Maybe this will work for other folks as well.

Jacqui Salmon: That's an excellent solution. Families are increasingly using that method in order to reduce the expense and hassle of gift buying. It also means that you get one or two members of your family really wonderful gifts instead of buying useless trinkets for everyone. In my husband's family, we recently began choosing names from a hat for gift giving (although we still buy gifts for all the children). I really like this system. I got my brother-in-law a microwave oven this year, something I could not have afforded to do if I had to buy presents for all his brothers and sisters and their spouses. My family, however, refuses to adopt this system, so I've had to go along with their method. But at least the gift buying has been reduced somewhat.

Thanks everyone for all your terrific questions, and I hope you have happy and stress-free holidays.

Bob Levey: That'll do it for this week's show. Many thanks to our guests, Rev. John Ohmer, and Washington Post staff writer Jacqui Salmon. Be sure to join us next Tuesday from noon to 1 p.m., when our guest will be Mike Causey, The Washington Post's Federal Diary columnist.