Carolyn Hax The Washington Post

Appearing every Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ® offers readers under 30 advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there – really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 32-year-old displaced New Englander and eight-year newspaper veteran with still-married parents, three older sisters, a mad-artist husband and way too many shoes. Her "expertise" (she added the quotation marks, we didn't) is in bad dates, school pressures, strict parents and dubious decisions, and she specializes in stupid teenage stunts, which she likes to call "learning experiences."

Today's talk ended at 1 p.m. Check out the transcript below or read Carolyn's column from today's Post. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column. Until next Monday night, feel free to e-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com.

From last week's discussion:

BOSTON, MA: I'm trying to get over a mild infedelity incedent that happened with my boyfriend of over 4 years. It really wasn't all that big of a deal, and I don't think I would be as upset as I am if he had just been honest. I really want a future with him, but I'm extremely concerned that he will lie about things in the future if he fears that I will be disappointed. Is it wrong of me to be more concerned over the honesty issue? How do I explain this to him without rehashing the whole incident?

Carolyn Hax: I've got more questions than answers. Please define "mild infidelity incident," and how you found out about it. Thank yew...

Continued this week:

boston, ma:
He kissed a girl one night when he was out drinking with the guys. One of my friends saw him and told me. He denied the whole thing at first, then came clean.

Carolyn Hax: Picking up where we left off:

I couldn't believe there was such a thing as a "mild infidelity incident," but you proved me wrong. Mainly, though, because infidelity isn't so much the issue. You're right to be concerned about the lying, but it should be part of a larger concern about his maturity. My guess is, the smooch would never have happened if he were sober. That suggests two things: 1. He drinks too much 2. He gets liquored up to deal with stuff he doesn't want to face. And both of these dovetail nicely into his lying about it afterward--we're not talking about a big-time coper here. What you do about his childishness is your business, but I'd be inclined to give this relationship a vacation till he grows up a bit. How old are you two, anyway?

richmond: My ex-boyfriend is getting married soon, to a woman he was -somewhat- involved with while we were still dating, long-distance. We've been over for more than two years, but don't really talk anymore because he seems to be uncomfortable with the way it ended, which was abrupt and badly.
Anyway, I'm struggling with whether or not to buy the couple a gift -I'm obviously not invited to the wedding-. I'm genuinely happy for them -- I bear him no will ill, am happier without him, etc. -- but I'm worried that it will be misconstrued as some sort of stalker gesture. He went so far as to skip a mutual friend's wedding not long after the breakup because, he said, it would be "awkward'' for us to see one another.
I want to recognize our long, close pre-relationship friendship by sending a gift. Maybe this is one more up Miss Manners' alley, but what should I do? Thanks, and love the column.

Carolyn Hax: Thank you. Now, be just as nice to the bride-to-be by dropping this whole gift idea now. Their train's about to leave the station, and you're just trying to justify throwing your baggage on with it--sort of a "Kilroy was here" to make sure you're a small part of their happily ever after. But you aren't. So as long as you're out, you might as well go out gracefully.

Richmond Va: Love this site, keep up the good work.
Age old problem-On again and off again GF and I have been torturing -er, dating- each other for roughly 7 years. We both turn 30 this year. She wants the rock, I'm just now enjoying some professional success and want to enjoy it. She has expressed the STRONG desire to get married. i'm ambivalent. Love her to death but should i cut bait for her sake so that she can find the ring she so enthusiastically seems to want? Seeking the Hax mojo on this.

Carolyn Hax: Sorry, I don't squander mojo on self-answering questions. See "torturing," your first sentence. See "ambivalent," sentence six. See "cut bait."

Virginia: Your last question in today's column brought up a question of mine. I went on a date with a fascinating woman last night, after a month and a half of delays -we were both out of town for a week here and there on opposite schedules-. Anyway, we went to a baseball game and then a martini after. Conversation seemed to flow pretty well and I know that I enjoyed it adn think she probably did, too.
So, I drove her home and we caused a little trffic jam on a narrow street while she finished a story -about a car wreck-, but the whole "end of the evening' was not so much tense as...well I don't know the term, but what I'm sayingis that I couldn't read her interest level.
Any advice on this? Friendship is fine with me, but truly, I'm pretty attracted to her. Which leads me to: how do I make it clear that I am interested and attracted, find out what she's thinking, but not be nutty and-or frightening?

Carolyn Hax: This is where dating is a lot less work than we make it out to be. You express interest through calling for another date. She expresses interest through accepting, or through placing a call herself. Then you take it from there.

The real issue is how much restraint you should exercise. Too little, and you rush things; too much, and you're playing games. I'd call her today to say you had a nice time, and either leave it at that or schedule something for a few days down the road, like next weekend.

Virginia: Hey, it's me again! One more question. Since it is a long holiday weekend, there are lots of cookouts, parties and fun outdoor events that I would like to ask this woman to attend with me. Since our first date was last night, is it OK to ask for her time again so soon?

Carolyn Hax: ... but if you want to make it this weekend, maybe wait a day to call. It's artificial, but it's better than looking desperate.

NYC suburb: Carolyn,

This might seem like a silly question but I am really frustrated and could use your input.

I am 25 and my fiance is 28.

My fiance is about to buy a small company. This obviously means he works all the time. Lest you think otherwise, I do have a life- I have a full time job, am going to night school for a masters degree, play on a softball team, have friends etc.

But I feel like my fiance is completely, totally, 100% about work. I miss having fun with him. We used to hike, camp, climb, make love, have conversations, go out with friends, listen to music. Now we work. Or, more precisely, he works-sleeps-sometimes eats, and I either ineffectually try to help him out or otherwise occupy myself.

I miss him, and missing him makes me grouchy, and then I feel like I'm acting like a witch instead of being supportive of something I know he wants to do. Then he gets mad at me for being unsupportive, and I get mad at him for having no time for us, and it's just a bad situation.

How can we get out of this cycle?

Carolyn Hax: It's not silly at all--issues don't get any bigger between a couple than how you both choose to spend your time.

Step 1, you stop asking for things he can't provide. It's not like he can say, business, shmusiness, let's go climbing.

Step 2, you ask for things he can provide, like his vision of his future. Does it always involve this much work, or is this a one-shot deal?

Step 3, you process the info from Step 2, and decide one way or another whether that's the life for you.

Step 4, you commit to your decision. That means not whining about his choices, and not regretting yours.

Atlanta, GA: Why are guys still expected to pick up the tab for the entire dating experience now that women are making the same amount as men? I have quit dating two women this year because they never offered to pay a dime for anything ever. I felt like a freaking wallet. Ladies, you want to impress a guy? Offer to pay for dinner once in a while!

Carolyn Hax: Works for me. Though I believe the person who initiates the date should expect to do the paying, and regard a date's offer to pay as a nice bonus. Granted, this drains men disproportionately, since they still do most of the asking. But even though I'm all for women asking men, it does tend to disrupt the cat-and-mouse order of the universe.

Believe me, I hated having to type that.

Arlington, VA: Hi Carolyn,

Ok, here's the dilly. I'm in love with the most wonderful, handsome, gentle man - the only problem is his wife. I'm not willing to give up on him just because he's married, but I am tired of only meeting him under the pretext of him working late, or during the work day.

He says that he doesn't want to lose his little daughter, who I love. How can I make him see that I'd make as good a mother to her as HER? Since his employment has been sporadic, he has spent the most time with "Kimmy," and would stand a good chance of getting custody - and the wife has a very good job, so the child support that we would get would make up for the financial concerns he has.

The other side to my problem is the wife herself. It would be much easier for me if she were a bad person, but we are in the same social circle and I know that she has no idea and that this would really hurt her. I just think that this is for the rest of 'our' lives and hurtful or no, he is the ONE.

Please help, I can't eat, this is really stressing me out. All the more every time I see them together.

Thanks

Carolyn Hax: This is not a wonderful, gentle man; this is cowardly, duplicitous, adulterous scum. And you? A good MOTHER? Are you out of your mind? You've got the values of a pit viper. If you came anywhere near my family, you'd need reconstructive surgery.

Yes, sometimes people fall in love outside marriage. It's a hateful, hateful truth. And there are exactly two tolerable ways to deal with it: Walking away from it, or confronting it openly. Both of you clearly lack the character to grasp the mechanics of either, so I'll do it for you: Never get within 100 feet of that man again. Then use your newfound free time to ask yourself how you came to believe lying was desirable, hurting people was acceptible and behaving immorally was the height of romance.

I swear, people send these questions to provoke me.

Seattle, WA: Carolyn: Love your chats--read you religiously every week -even tho it requires me to conscious at 9 a.m. PST!-.

OK, so here's my problem: I -30 y.o, female- moved here from New York City with my ex about 5 years ago -husband, not boyfriend-. We divorced about 3 years ago and for the last 2 years, I've been dating a wonderful, wonderful guy who grew up here in the Seattle area. We're really serious and marriage is on the horizon. I have a great job, but I'm in the Web biz, and the New York scene is, frankly, where it's at. My beau -also in Web biz- has always known I wanted to go home eventually, and he's agreed to move with me next spring. Anyway, since I've been away from NY for awhile, I've been reestablishing contact with people to get on their radar, and I actually landed a fantastic job offer at a red-hot company that I really want to accept. My boyfriend has turned stubborn, insisting that we agreed on the spring, which is true, but this job just landed in my lap and it's literally too good to pass up.

So now I'm in a quandry: If I go without him, I'll be miserable. If I beg him to come with me before our agreed-upon time, he might make me miserable. If I stay, I'll likely always be a little miserable.

Help!

Carolyn Hax: My bias in these long-distance situations is always to defer to the bias of the people involved. Yours, as it happens, wouldn't be more obvious if it were accompanied by fireworks and a brass band. You want to go. So go. If you guys are good for the long haul, you'll be good for nine months in different cities. The trick will be to keep the defensiveness to a minimum, so don't push him into anything he's not ready to do. It'll help if you frame it as something that will, ultimately, be better for both of you. Good luck.

Carolyn Hax: Wow, I think I was channeling Landers on that one. Sorry.

NYC: I’ve been trying to get my question in for the past month, and I am hoping that today will finally be my lucky day. Here’s the situation. I was dating -very seriously- a guy for 10 months. We had plans to get married, we had already picked out our kids’ name, etc. Here’s the catch, the guy was going to school abroad for 8 out of the 10 months we were going out. I choose to stay with him through the time overseas because I did think that he was the one and only for me. This past year was my first year in college. Needless to say, I had a pretty bad year, sitting in your room, crying doesn’t make for a sociable person. So I finally got the guts to break up with him in April and attempt to move on. Now that he’s back, I have feelings for him, but I cannot differentiate whether they are sentimental ones or really love. I don’t want to limit myself to anything because of my age, but I know that he is ready to be in a relationship again and I know that would make me happy. But, he’s not going to be at my school next year either and it’ll be another long distance relationship, which I’m not sure that I can handle. So my question to you is -I know, it’s been a long time coming- should I be happy now and see where it takes me, or should I detach myself from him now with the hopes that perhaps after time we will choose to be together?I'm scared that if I don't get back together with him now, I'll lose him forever.

Carolyn Hax: Actually, if you *don't* get back together with him now, you've got a better shot at happily ever after. Your year of hell shows you're not so hot yet at standing on your own--yet you need to do it like a pro if you have any hope of a healthy life with someone else. Concentrate on new friends, new experiences--basically, tending to that new life of yours without him. Give it years, not just a summer. In time you'll know a lot about the kind of life that's right for you, and only then will you be in a position to choose the right *guy* for you--if you find you want a guy around at all. Me, I like them fine--but want is so much more enticing than neeeeeed.

Springfield, Virginia : Hi Displaced Connecticut Lady-

You sound like a younger version of my spouse, what with a "large" collections of shoes. Tell me what advice do you give to women who have so many shoes they just don't know what to do; basically, the mismatched pile of shoes that can act as a minefield for the poor husband trying to get into the walk-in closet to find clothes in the dark early morning hours! Believe it or not, I have survived this annoyance for 16 years of marriage. What is the most tactful way to approach a spouse about putting away shoes, clothes, unmatched socks, et al without sounding like a "Felix"?

Dave

Carolyn Hax: Hello. I'd just put a box or laundry basket in a less-trafficky part of the closet, chuck all offending items into a big slob stew, and hang a shoe rack next to it like the big fat hint it is. If she doesn't like digging through the pile, she can put things away herself.

Though I must point out, the true footwear freak would not countenance such scuffy chaos. I'm strictly a bag-and-trees kinda girl.

Alexandria, VA: Hi Carolyn. Great chat. This marriage pressure-talk-expectation is killing me, and I'm just ready to throw my hands up--I just don't know in which direction. I'm 27, the boyfriend's 33. We've been living together for 2 years, togther for 3+ ... I'm ready to tie the knot, and growing tired of not knowing what the future may or may not hold. He doesn't want to talk marriage. My girlfriends all say "he's getting the milk for free"... blah, blah, blah... I really love him and love living together, so I don't want to just jump ship, but what if this ship's not going anywhere?

Carolyn Hax: Sorry, move or lose. Frankly, I can't see staying another day with someone who doesn't want to marry me. How insulting. How depressing.

Arlington, VA: Hello there, Carolyn.
Submitted a question on Monday but alas, I don't think you had time to answer. My question is about sex, and when it too early. It's been over two months and I've cultivated something very beautiful with someone. I am a woman, he is a man, and as a man he is very much ready to go but happy to wait as I've asked him to do so far. But I've recently been thinking more along his lines, and I just want to make sure that it isn't something that would harm our relationship. But if it feels right, shouldn't it be right? Or should my mind rise above my heart and libido? Please advise. Thank you.

Carolyn Hax: If you're not sure, it's too early. That's the short answer. I hope to give it the full answer soon, in a column, but for now I'll do my two-minute best:

Sex doesn't ruin relationships. Uneven expectations do, and by that I mean two people who don't want the same thing. If you're both thinking long-term and you're both *completely* comfortable with sex as a part of that--oh, and I mean this, if you're both out of high school! PLEASE!--then your relationship will continue on its natural course, which, honestly, it the best we can ask of romance. Another thing to consider: Sex will (or I sure hope it will) intensify any relationship. If either of you has doubts about the other or where this is going, best to explore them before you add all that physical freight.

Carolyn Hax: We've had another server slowdown (I promise, it wasn't me this time), so I'll stay on a little later to make up for the delay.

Fairfax,VA: Carolyn,
I'm a bit upset about something but don't know if I'm being out of line. My husband of 4 years works 50+ hours a week, and has been and will be doing a lot of work-related travel for a few months. Anyhow, a few weeks ago, he let me know that he'd be driving his best friend to see his gf -who lives 1000 miles away- for the 4th of July long weekend. I'm a sucker for love and romance, so I sucked it up and said fine even though I'd been hoping to spend the weekend together. He also has a friend in that state that he was going to be mailing a bunch of textbooks to, but decided to hand deliver them instead this weekend.

Well, his best friend backed out of the trip earlier this week, but my husband is still going, so he can delived those books. I told him I didn't think he should go when he could simply mail the books. But he's insisting. What's more is that I'm not invited to go along. He never said I couldn't go, but never asked me to go either. I wouldn't feel comfortable asking to go because I'd feel like I was tagging along and would hate that feeling.

I guess it's bothering me that he seems to have no concern for my feelings. I have no friends or family in the area, and will be spending yet another weekend alone. And there's no real reason for his going -in my opinion anyway-. Am I being irrational? Should I ask him not to go? It's too late to tag along as he's leaving work early and I can't give this short notice.

Carolyn Hax: If you can't ask your husband if you can come along, you guys really really really need to start talking to each other. Wow. Call him and say hey, why not make this a family road trip? In a fun, not-desperate kind of way. So he leaves later, big deal. If he says no, at least it's start you talking about it.

Cambridge, MA: Hey Carolyn,

I hope you can help me with this. I just finished my first year of college, and I had a really great time--I made lots of really good friends. I'm home for the summer, but I'm keeping in touch with most of them through emails and phone calls, etc. I was really close to this one guy for quite some time over the year--we hung out a lot and I even brought him home with me for spring break. -It's not a romantic thing, though-. However, now that I haven't seen him since May, I'm starting to wonder what it ever was I saw in him as a friend. It's not that he's a jerk or anything, it's just that I no longer like his personality. He's shallow and vapid and is majorly hung up on appearances, while I really am not as much. We don't have similiar tastes in anything, like books, movies, music, and clothes. I'm not saying that we have to like the exact same things, but it would be nice to agree on something once in awhile. He's starting to remind me of my younger 16 year old sister, who has no thoughts in her head except what she's wearing and who she's with. She and I don't get along. I know it sounds awful, but all I can think of when I talk to my friend is the ditzy cheerleader types that were prevelent in my high school.

The thing is, though, I feel horribly guilty for even thinking these thoughts. He's been a really great friend to me and has treated me very well. It's just that now, everytime I talk to him, he sounds stupid and very 13 year old girl. I'm afraid to see him, because I don't know how I'll feel, and if the guilt I'm feeling will show. I can't decide if I should just break it off or just let it slowly die. There's no way I can avoid him, though--he's going to be one of my neighbors at school next semester. I don't know what to do! I feel like a bad person everytime I think about this, yet I don't know if it's fair to hang around with somebody that I really don't like. Any advice?

Btw, I love what you're doing--keep up the good work!

Carolyn Hax: I'd rely on benevolent drift for this one. You don't want to drop him flat, and you don't want to fake the friendship, either. If there's something, anything you still like to do with him, limit your contact to that one thing and hope the rest takes care of itself. And don't feel guilty--it's normal for froshy friends to slide their separate ways.

New Hope, PA: Good Morning Carolyn! You gave me some advice on my boyfriend a few months back which I followed. There's been an update, however, and now I'm really confused.

Quick background: Boyfriend of 6 months is in grad school and leaves in May to do research in another state. Night before he leaves he starts getting all worried about what will happen to our relationship in a year when he graduates and goes off to work in this other state for good. He doesn't think long distance relationships work out, he's afraid of getting too serious...on and on.

You suggested I wait a few weeks and if he's singing the same song, then we talk about seeing other people. Well, things were going well for a while then just a few weeks ago his research transferred him across the country for a month. Sure enough, the night before he left we had another conversation: He doesn't want things to get serious, he's leaving in a year anyway, he's afraid of feeling guilty when he finally leaves. So i suggest we see other people. He doesn't like that.

So a few days later he sends me a letter from the west coast saying he's sorry about having the conversation we had before he left and that he just needs to learn to go with the flow and not worry about things.

So Carolyn - I'm confused. We only have these conversations right before he's about to leave town. But he seems so sure of himself when he's telling me he doesn't want to get serious. Then he sends me a blanket apology. When is his moment of clarity? Right before he's about to take off, or after he's had a few days to think about it?

Carolyn Hax: From what you say and from what he says about himself, it sounds like the Big Conversations arise out of panic, and the begging comes after more thought. Often, it's the other way around--departure brings decisiveness, strange new city brings on panic. Best course is for YOU to go with the flow. What's feels best?

VA suburban wilderness: Greetings, Carolyn.

What's your take on the front-page article about marriage in the Post today?
Why is marriage seen as not important, or even doomed to failure, by so many? And how do we fix it, individually and as a society?

Thanks mucho...

Carolyn Hax: As I read it, all I could think was that people now have ridiculously high expectations of marriage. We want best friendship! We want lust! We want comfort! We want excitement! We want wealth! But we don't want spouses who work too late! We want kids! We don't want to sacrifice even one measly thing to raise them! We want fulfillment for ourselves! But we freak out when we have to compromise anything to please a spouse!

The fix? Realism, thought and, as I've beaten to death, maturity. Gotta stop acting like children.


Hookay, I'll stash the soapbox for now. Thanks for the questions and your usual patience. Have a good holiday, and I'll type to you again next Friday. (Monday night's a scratch.)

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