Carolyn Hax The Washington Post

Appearing every Friday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It offers readers under 30 advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there – really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 31-year-old displaced New Englander and eight-year newspaper veteran with still-married parents, three older sisters, a mad-artist husband and way too many shoes. Her "expertise" (she added the quotation marks, we didn't) is in bad dates, school pressures, strict parents and dubious decisions, and she specializes in stupid teenage stunts, which she likes to call "learning experiences."

Today's chat ended at 1 p.m. Check out the transcript below or read Carolyn's column from Friday's Post. Until next Friday noon, you can e-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com.

Washington, DC: About the jilted brides maid:

I figured out a long while ago never to take anything personally at a wedding from either of the participants. The family politics alone make couples do things that can irritate or offend their friends. When I'm invited to a wedding I just go with the flow. If I'm slighted there, I wait to see if it continues before I get too upset about it.

Carolyn Hax: Hold on a sec, another one's on the way ...

San Francisco: About the gal who's upset because she can't be a bridesmaid--stop being a baby. I've stood up and read poems, I 've read bible passages, and I've given toasts at weddings of dear male friends whose wives have seemed to be suspicious of my sisterly relationships with their men, and truly I must say that I've felt honored and good that I was even allowed to participate. If she shows up and does a rockin' good job, the New Missus will appreciate it, her heart will soften, and they'll become better friends. Not best friends, no, but brides always love people who make a big effort to make that Special Day more special. I agree with you, Carolyn, that he's already going down that miserable p-whipped path (where he loses the respect of all friends), but that's his stupid choice, and if this poem-reading corsage-wearing womyn is a true friend, she'll stand by him through his mistake.

Carolyn Hax: You’re right, and the rest of you are right, too, that people have no business expecting places of honor, whether as wedding attendants, godparents, sponsors, whatever. These points represent well my first impressions when I read Pennsylvania’s letter. But then I stewed about it for a while. This is a long and close friendship we’re talking about, enough so that she was a fixture around his house growing up. I’ve known people in these "little sister" roles, and I put them in PA’s position, and I was angry for them. When it came time to dole out symbolic roles, she merited something between those granted family and friends.

My husband’s sisters were my bridesmaids. I care about them in their own right, for sure, but I also included them to show that his family was mine now, and if he had a close female friend, I would have embraced her too (she could have stood on his side, too, as could his sisters; why get anal about it). Yes, the friendship will probably wane over the years as the wife rightly grows into the role as the husband’s best friend. She "won," which is probably part of PA’s objection. But that’s all the more reason for the winner to be gracious about such trifles as ceremonial titles. The more I stewed, the more I disliked the bride.

Gaithersburg, Md: Carolyn,
I am a twenty three year old government worker who is already felling the stress of the real world. I live with my boyfriend, who is incredibly understanding when it comes to my work. Very soon I plan on making a career change, but with it comes the possiblity of moving (many times), carrying a weapon, and possibly dying. He tells me he will move anywhere, and that he will be there no matter what, but how can I make sure he won't leave me half way through all of this? I feel marriage is a pretty big step, but could it possibly be the only answer? Especially if we have never even talked about it!
"J"

Carolyn Hax: You can't make sure of these things, ever. Not by promises, marriage, threats with a loaded weapon. It's just how it is. But that's what makes finding good, lasting love such an amazing thing: Someone remains by your side of his own free will. It's worth waiting for. So don't get all screwed up wondering about marriage just yet. Go do what you have to do, live how you want to live, and you'll see whether he plans to come along--and whether you want him there, even. Chill.

Detroit, Miichigan: Hi Carolyn,
2 summers ago, with the encouragement of my husband, I started my own company, related to the internet. It is still not making alot of money, but I love the work. Here's the problem: his income has been slashed over the past 4 years, and we're feeling the pinch. He told me the other night that I should get a "real job" to make some money. We have 2 kids, and one of the benefits of being my own boss is that I'm home for the kids (and to clean the house, etc.) He wants me to go to work for a technical temp agency. I told him that if I got a job, it would be of my choosing, and since he's so concerned about the money, I would work as a waitress to make quick money (which I've done in the past, and enjoyed), but he feels that that is "beneath" me. What's your take on this?

Carolyn Hax: Howdy. Short of lap-dancing, you should earn your money in whatever way best suits the kids first, you second, husband third. You can also throw in suggestions for cutting expenses to compensate for the money that's not coming in.
Did he really "tell" you to get another job? What's with the marching orders?

Raleigh,NC: Dear Carolyn,

I see in today's column you deal with Brides who want EVERYTHING to go their way. What do you think about this one? I was invited to a wedding by a friend of about six years. We're friends from a job long ago so I don't know very many of her other friends but I do know her husband. Anyway, I recently broke up with a boyfriend and my invitation was addressed to me "and guest". So I invited a non-romantic male friend to attend the wedding (by the way, I was driving up 4 hours to go to the wedding). I rsvp'd about a month before the wedding and one and a half weeks before the wedding the bride told me that they were concerned about single friends joking about picking up someone the night before so they'd have a date. So she emailed us all and "disinvited" our guests. I thought this was very rude since I had RSVP'd and already invited this friend to attend with me. She said she would be seating me with the other singles so I would not have to worry about someone to talk to - she also said that she "meant" the invitation to be for my boyfriend if I got back together with him and that it was rude of me to bring a "stranger" to her wedding. THEN, to further try to convince me that I couldn't bring a guest, she wrote me about how much they were spending on each person who came! Now, they do not hurt for money. I decided finally to just skip the wedding and write her a note telling her that I would like to see her and spend some time with her one on one when she got back from her honeymoon. I haven't heard from her now in over six weeks. Was I rude or was she?

Struggling to be good.

Carolyn Hax: She was, oh boy. 1. "And guest" is an unambiguous instruction to bring whom you want. If she didn't want any old "guest," she should've specified. 2. You can't we willing to pay for Person X, then cry poor if you get Person Y instead. (Though their being rich has nothing to do with anything in this situation.) 3. I may think of something else later, but disinviting someone strikes me as the rudest possible social act.

I can see why she didn't want people she didn't know at her wedding. I wouldn't, either. But she opened the door. The only remotely acceptable way for her to close it wuld have been to place a personal call to you (e-mail doesn't cut it) to lament her error and grovel grovel grovel. Then she would have had to leave it up to you to decide: Would your guy friend understand, or would you still feel better bringing him? So many outrages and hurt feelings would be circumvented if people just removed the poles from you know where and actually said, in person, what they meant. Including Pennsylvania's.

(Thank you, by the way, for seeing the point about today's Bride. Seems it was a controversial call.)

Virginia: I have been dating these two guys for about a month and a half. I really like both of them, and they both like me - I think both of them have "future" potential. I am taking things slowly with both, trying to keep things somewhat casual, though this is getting harder, because I'm attracted to both of them.

What is the rule for dating more than one person at a time so that no one gets hurt? I like and respect them but am just taking my time deciding who is the better choice for me, and I don't want to hurt either of them. What would you do?

We miss you in the now defunct Talk Central!

(Daria Miller)

Carolyn Hax: We? Are you guys still talking? I hope so. I miss it too.

Anyway, the "rule" is to make sure both are aware that you see other people, and ENJOY IT WHILE YOU CAN. Someday, when the phone rings, you'll find yourself hoping it's one of them more than the other, and you'll have to let the other one go nicely and quickly (even if it doesn't work out with your first choice). But don't over-think it, or you'll spoil the fun.

Fairfax, VA: Hi Carolyn--

In your opinion, do I have the right (and/or responsibility) as a godmother to tell my 10-year-old godchild that I am no longer going to give her Christmas and birthday gifts unless she learns how to write a thank-you note? Her mom is my best friend.

Carolyn Hax: The right AND the responsibility--not to give any more gifts. You can tell mom or kid why only when one of them raises the subject. Then say: "I never heard from Said Rotten Kid, so I assumed she didn't like what I sent." They may not know better.

Washington, DC: On the subject of weddings, I have another attendant question for you. I'm having my fiance's two sisters in my wedding party, one of whom is in the midst of a major teenage rebellion (she's 15). Her latest act of independance was to dye her blonde hair bright pink. Her mother called me horrified and told me that she wouldn't be offended if I pulled her daughter out of the wedding. Ok, I'm not thrilled about the having the pink hair in the albums, but I don't think kicking her out of the lineup is going to endear me to her heart. But my future mother-in-law thinks that it will teach her daughter a lesson about responsiblity (the hair thing is the tip of a very large iceberg). How do I navigate my way out of this one? Oh, and my fiance is willing to back up my decision but he hasn't a clue as to what to do either.

Carolyn Hax: Not good to undermine a parent, not good to shut out a kid. Poor you. The former has more weight, but is the mom trying to accommodate you, or punish the kid? The pink hair is small beans, and I'd leave her in the lineup if it were only that. But you also say the mom's trying to teach her responsibility. So. Figure out if the mom is trying to save your album, and if so, let the freakshow participate. If the mom is generally trying to rein her daughter in, ask specifically what it is she wants her daughter to do to straighten out (the iceberg, not the tip). Then talk to the kid, and explain that the mom wants to keep her out of the wedding as punishment but that you want her there, so would she please do X, Y and Z to earn back her very important place? For you? Might be enough to appease all parties.

Carolyn Hax:

Arlington, VA: Carolyn--love your column. Always an entertaining read! Maybe my dilemma will entertain someone else now. Been with my boyfriend for nearly three years now (I'm 27, he's 33) and we've been living together for about a year. I'm very happy except (of course) for one thing. He's scheduled to move (he's in the military) in the next few months. Could be Germany ... could be Hawaii ... who knows! (Talk about military intelligence...)
The point is I'm getting antsy. I'm thinking marriage and he can't even talk to what will happen when he gets the call. He just insists he doesn't know ... that he can't foresee the future! Maybe I'll go with him he says, "who knows?" So am I being a nag and a baby by wanting to know what will happen to us? "I'll miss you," he says, what the hell is that supposed to mean? And I hate the idea of ultimatums. Should I grin and bear it or should I start making waves? (What kind of wave would be effective anyway?) Thank you and have a great weekend.

Carolyn Hax: Thanky.

"I miss you" generally means "I'm going where you aren't." The next few months is not a lot of time. Lay off the subject, see what he does when he gets his orders, and if he goes without you, call the whole thing off. Duh. I'm not normally one to advocate being passive like this, but he might be antsy himself, and your best shot, if you really want him, is to let him decide what he wants without pressure from you. It's not like it's an open-ended issue. You'll know, for sure, soon.

Chapel Hill: In my opinion, just the fact that a parent WOULD get upset over pink hair is reason enough for a kid to rebel. Good god.

Carolyn Hax: Amen.

San Francisco: Re: The pink haired kid.
It sould NOT be the brides responsibility to teach the child, this is a job that should be left up tp the mother. I would kindly ask the child to revert her hair to a more normal color for the wedding, then she can go back to whatever color she chooses.

Carolyn Hax: But if the mom wants the kid out of the lineup, bride can't overrule.

Bethesda, MD: Good afternoon Carolyn,
Okay, help me with a bet with some guy friends. I say that if someone, male or female, asks another person on a date, THAT person should decide what happens on the date. At the very least, the asker should suggest something. The last 4 guys who've asked me out on first dates have all told me to decide what to do, and I think that's wrong.

Carolyn Hax: Guy should suggest, not because it's "right," but because uys who can take the lead are hotter. (Unless they HAVE to, then they suck.)

Washington DC: My mother has just told me she is leaving my father, which is a long time in coming. Since I live 1000 miles away at college, I'm not sure just how I can be of help to her right now in this situation, other than to talk with her often via email. Any ideas?

Carolyn Hax: You've got the right one: Just be available to her. Sigh.

Bethesda, MD: What do you think of the type of advice that Dr. Laura dispenses? I KNOW you must have an opinion about her...care to share?

Carolyn Hax: I do have one. Ask me next week, so I can think about whether I care to share it.

Washington, DC: I met a girl a few weeks ago and we had a one week romantic relationship. We had a great time together, and it really clicked (we're noth 22). Then she moved back home, as I knew she would and to start a new job in Colorado. We did not communicate our intentions very clearly about stayiong "together," but we have spoken on the phone quite often, and we did plan it so that we would be ion the same city for Thanksgiving. I like her very much and I think we have similar feelings for each other in terms of the relationship. How should I handle myself while with her for Thnaksgiving?

Carolyn Hax: Another one who shouldn't think so much. See her, have fun, know full well that you can't exactly "date." But why not find out if there's still something there?

arlington va: in response to the woman who wrote about the pink-haired bridesmaid, i myself was the freak in my sister's wedding. in my case, my mother told me to dye my hair a normal color (it was black at the time) or i wasn't going to be in the wedding. it became ny choice (even though it was obvoius how angry my family would have been had i not agreed to redye my hair). in the end, i dyed my hair back to black right after the wedding, anyway. but i'm still glad that i participated and didn't ditch just because i wanted to look cool.

Carolyn Hax: Thanks for the pink-haired view.

Gotta go. Thanks everybody.

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