Chatological Humor*
Gene Weingarten
Washington Post Staff Writer
Tuesday, April 12, 2005; Noon ET
*Formerly known as "Funny? You Should Ask."
Gene Weingarten's controversial humor column, Below the Beltway, appears every Sunday in the Washington Post Magazine. He aspires to someday become a National Treasure, but is currently more of a National Gag Novelty Item, like rubber dog poo.
He is online, at any rate, each Tuesday, to take your questions and abuse.
He'll chat about anything.
Submit your questions, comments and rants before or during the show.
This week's poll.
Weingarten is the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death" and co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca. "Below the Beltway" is now syndicated nationally by The Washington Post Writers Group.
Editor's Note: washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control
over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.
Gene Weingarten:
Good morning. I believe today we make chat history, setting a record unlikely to be broken anytime soon. I believe, in terms of sheer stamina, today is the equivalent s Cal Ripken Jr.’s victory lap. Today, we shall attain the longest introduction in American chat history. I fully expect that some of you will still be reading the intro when the chat ends. Internet historians will be referring to this chat in the distant future. And you were there.
We begin with a belated but interesting reply from Bil Keane to my questioning of THIS cartoon from several weeks ago. In an e-mail to Keane, shared with readers, I opined that it seemed most horribly inappropriate that little Jeffy should have ever witnessed his mother shaving her armpits (an activity ordinarily performed in the shower), and asked just how dysfunctional this family is. A spirited chat discussion ensued, in which many women told us more than many of us really wanted to know about their ablutionary and depilatory regimens But no answer from Keane, until now. Here it is:
“First my apologies for this delayed response. I've spent all this time trying to think how to answer a humorist. Not since 1972 when Erma Bombeck and I collaborated on a book have I had contact with a funny person (and I'm an active member of the National Cartoonists Society!).
”Thank you for your gentle treatment of "Family Circus." I hope the Cardinals keep you in mind when selecting the next Pope.
”Originally the Feb. 24 "Under her shoulder" cartoon was penciled in with Dolly saying the hilarious line. That might have been accepted as a cute young lady's innocent observation of her Mommy. But, on second thought I realized that Jeffy, being only three, would be more likely to say "shoulder" instead of "arm." That would entirely avoid using the distasteful "armpit" word in the pure world of my feature.
”I hope the appearance of my Feb. 24 panel will not create a bizarre image of a family gone amuck and cause the demise of my 45 year effort to be nice on the comics page.
”Thanks for giving me the chance to clear my conscience. Love from all of us in "The Family Circus. Bil (old doof) Keane.
Dang. So now we have to like the guy a lot.
Last week, I called upon you to come up with a joke proceeding from the setup in which Cochran, Schiavo, Perdue and Wojtyla arrive at heaven together. (This was in response to a suggestion from reader Erik Oksala of Washington, whose name has too many k's.) There were more than 50 entries, many of them actually publishable. I whittled them down to four really good jokes. Chatwoman has asked me to issue the following Reader Advisory: If you have any sense of human decency, please skip ahead to the Comic Picks. I warned her that such a caveat would not eliminate a single regular chat attendee, but she insisted.
Third Runner Up:
Terri Schiavo, Johnnie Cochran, Frank Perdue, and the Pope arrive at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter says, "Before you begin your heavenly lives, you are each granted one wish, to make things better on Earth."
So the newcomers think about this carefully and announce their wishes.
The next day, in The Washington Post and all other newspapers across the world, front-page headlines read: "NEW LAW: LIVING WILLS NOW MANDATORY."
The day after that, the page-one headlines read: "RACISM AMONG COPS ELIMINATED."
The day after that, the newspaper headlines scream: "MILLIONS OF VEGETARIANS DROP DEAD FROM E. TOFI VIRUS; POULTRY SALES SOAR."
And the day after that, a small story appears, buried on page E16:
"Popemobile Outfitted With Spoilers, Chrome, and Big-Ass Tires."
-- Jennifer Hart, Arlington
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Second Runner-Up:
Terri Schiavo, Johnnie Cochran, Frank Perdue and the Pope arrive at the
Pearly Gates. St. Peter says....
"I'm very busy, and space is limited. Please state your name and tell me why I should let you in. You, the really old guy, first."
"My name is Karol Wojtyla, and I served on Earth as Pope John Paul II. My whole life was devoted to God, including my last 26 years as his highest representative in the Roman Catholic Church. I am not without sin, but I never lied."
St. Peter says: "Wow! Holy cow! You’re in! Next?"
"My name is Terri Schiavo. My plight caused millions to rediscover the power of prayer and to renew their commitment to the sanctity of life. And, despite my other faults, I never lied."
"Okay, Ms. Schiavo. Welcome to Heaven. Next?"
"My name is Frank Perdue. I knew greed and was a ruthless businessman, but, well, I nourished millions of people with healthy, low-cost food, I might have fibbed a little but I never outright lied, and I never killed anyone or, through my actions, allowed a killer to go free."
"Hmm. You’re in, Frank, but only by the skin of your teeth... Next?"
"Uh, um, ah, my name is Nelson Mandela, and … “
--- Kevin Tingley.
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First Runner-Up:
Frank Perdue, the Pope, Terri Schiavo and Johnnie Cochran arrive at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greets the Pope cordially, congratulates him for his good works on Earth, and tells him that he of course will be admitted on the strength of his resume alone. Then he asks if the pope would like to speak in behalf of the others in his company.
“Certainly,” says the Pope, putting his arm around Johnnie Cochran. “Mr. Cochran here might have known pride and avarice in his life, but his career was largely devoted to redressing social injustices.”
“Fine,” St. Peter said. “Mr. Cochran may enter the kingdom of heaven.”
Then the pope pointed to Frank Perdue. “Mr. Perdue was a millionaire businessman, and as such overvalued material things, but he employed millions of people in an honest fashion and gave generously to charity.”
“Okay,” St. Peter said, “that’s good enough.”
St. Peter waited expectantly, but the pope fell silent. An awkward moment passed.
“Brother Karol, aren’t you going to say anything on behalf of Ms. Schiavo?”
“Oh, sorry,” the pope said. “I thought that one was a no-brainer.”
-- Anonymous female reader, New Carrollton
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And the winner:
Terri Schiavo, Johnny Cochran, Frank Perdue, and the Pope arrive at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter says, "Can I help you?"
The Pope steps forward and says, "Your Honor, we have a really amazing family act we’d like to perform for you, and...
-- J. W. Johnston
Okay, make sure you take today’s poll. As always I will reveal the correct answers midway through the chat.
Many, many excellent comics this week. The runners-up are listed below. The Pearls Runner-Up made me laugh out loud. I am giving the Comic Pick of the Week, possibly for the first time, to Sally Forth. The Monday strip was just spectacular, and was ably assisted by today’s followup, which is also linked to.
And lastly: Can anyone explain what the joke is supposed to be in yesterday’s Get Fuzzy?
Okay, let’s go.
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washingtonpost.com:
Comic Pick of the Week:
Sally Forth, (April 11)
Runners-Up:
Pearls Before Swine, (April 10)
Boondocks, (April 10)
Rhymes With Orange (April 12)
Boondocks (April 11)
Also Mentioned:
Get Fuzzy, (April 11)
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Gene Weingarten: This chat will also be notable for one other thing. I accidentally began it "Good Morning" instead of "Good Afternoon." That will make it a collectible chat, worth a lot of money in the future, like those 1955 double-die pennies, or stamps with a misspelling.
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New York, N.Y.:
Politics often comes across as absurdly funny to me, absurd and self-serving reversals/denials/alliances.
Sometimes a pol is humorously honest about this. Consultants like Carville often are, bubbly Bush tops my list presently - perhaps because he's got the authority also.
Who's your choice of the best honestly funny pol in DC?
Gene Weingarten: Probably George W. Bush.
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Rhy, ME:
Liz, a question (please excuse),
What's become of News to aMUSE? washingtonpost.com:
It wasn't amusing, so it went away. Gene was right.
Gene Weingarten: Yayyy.
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Golden, Colo.:
Great interview with Coors. Right on the money. I have also have a theory: the reason Coors has no taste is because it's the "coldest beer on earth" -- numbs your taste buds.
washingtonpost.com:
Hi, Finance, (Post Magazine, April 10)
Gene Weingarten: You know, it is sad; the reason -- and the only reason -- all mass-produced American beers taste like water is that Americans LIKE it that way. Apart from our being fat little porkers, that is probably the single thing Americans are most disdained for, internationally. Well, I guess empire-building, too.
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Washingtoon:
What rock song was most ahead of its (it's?) time? washingtonpost.com:
Clearly, that would be Yes's "Mr. Roboto."
Domo Arigato.
Gene Weingarten: Well, there were pretty deep and sophisticated songs by Pearls Before Swine and Roky Erickson's 13th Floor Elevators back when the Beatles were pumping out Love Me Do, but I am taking your question to mean hit songs.
I'd vote for "You Don't Own Me," by Lesley Gore.
Liz, there was music before you were born. Really.
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Washington, D.C.:
Gene, you're a smart, interesting type of guy, and I'm a smart, interesting type of woman. Do you think a day-trip to Monticello this weekend with my visiting father is worth the drive?
Gene Weingarten: You want ME to take your father to Monticello?
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Fuzzy joke:
the key word is "target" - as in, Bucky would love to put Satchel in the crosshairs...
Gene Weingarten: Nah.
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washingtonpost.com:
Listen old man. I know more about the 13th Floor Elevators than you do. Just ask Leiby. I was being FUNNY in my answer, unlike you.
Gene Weingarten: You were being funny? In your answer? Is that permitted on this chat?
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New York, N.Y.:
The winner wins, hands down. No contest. Good pick.
Gene Weingarten: Thank you. Many will not get it.
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Fuzzy Fun, NY?:
Is the joke that the magazine's target audience is human women, and Satchel is one out of two because while he's a dog, he's neutered, thus making him more female? Other than that I got nothin'.
Gene Weingarten: So the joke is that a neutered dog is a female? Man, I dunno. Pretty weak. That's as close as I came, too.
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Boston, Mass.:
The Pearls before swine link goes to Sally Forth... Sorry
Liz. washingtonpost.com:
Sorry. Pearls
Gene Weingarten: Ah. This is Sunday's?
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Washington, D.C.:
re: Liz's choice for rock song most ahead of its time.
Actually, Liz's choice was intended to out all those lame-os who really know that Mr. Roboto was recorded by Styx.
Not that I did, of course. washingtonpost.com:
Oops.
Gene Weingarten: I LIKE mr. Roboto.
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Sunday's Opus:
Fascinating question that Breathed raised about the lack of female animal cartoon characters.
My theory? We males are just not comfortable drawing pretty cartoon females who aren't human. It seems too much like bestiality. Ever see "University2," the embryonic version of "Liberty Meadows" that Frank Cho did in college? This was the ultimate expression of the concept -- Brandy was the only female and the only human in the strip. I think men are just more comfortable drawing desirable females. Gene, didn't you once suggest that the females in male-drawn cartoons tend to be, um, "healthier?"
Also, I've read two claims about the personalities of most cartoonists. One, that they grew up with poor self-images, with Schulz being a famous example. Two, they invest a lot of themselves in their lead characters. If those are true, that would suggest that the characters are really deanthromorphized expressions of the cartoonists' self-image issues. Even undeniably human characters like Dagwood Bumstead and Charlie Brown have slightly freakish aspects to their appearances. Gene Weingarten: I loved Opus on Sunday (see next post) but I'm not sure I buy the bleak entirety of your thesis. I think there have been so few female lead characters for the same reason there have been so few female lead characters in novels, until this century. (Emma Bovary: Always noted as one of relatively few exceptions.) Guys have been doing most of the cartooning, and they think like guys, and, yes, their lead characters tend to represent themselves.
Then, again, there is always Breathed's thesis: bad clothing.
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Arlington, Va.:
Gene, how does the "prep work" for Breathed's strip on
Sunday work? Does he have to get permission to draw or
use other cartoonist's characters?
Thanks! Gene Weingarten: I just asked Breathed whether he actually arranged for any of that or just winged it. "I just wang it," he said.
Also, he informs me that his strip is soon going to be available online. Which is good news.
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Hooray for wormy legs:
Yeah, I got Liz's joke. Gene, there was also good music being made after you turned 20.
Gene Weingarten: Yes, but most of it was by Elvis Costello and Springsteen. And Talking Heads. And that's about it. R.E.M. White Stripes.
But that's pretty much it. Thank you for your attention to this matter.
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Bethesda, Md.:
I love your chats and feel I MUST weigh in on the panty line issue. As a woman, I see panty lines as an enormous sign that age is getting the best of me. I will not, however, resort to wearing floss to resolve this problem. My solution is to purchase larger slacks and "grannier" panties to disguise the problem better.
I don't see them as sexy and an puzzled that ANYONE would.
Just a thought from your adoring, oversharing audience.
Gene Weingarten: Why age? If I were the sort of jerk Australopithecan who noticed women's bottoms, I would probably have noticed that many extremely trim and hot women have VPL. I am not getting this.
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Huh?:
I don't get the winning joke. Can I have a hint?
Gene Weingarten: Google "The Aristocrats."
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Rockville, Md.:
Due to the potential impact on a lifetime philosophy of mine associated with this issue, I am submitting early hoping you will address it during the chat. I believe "almost" only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades and making babies. However, this weekend I "almost" finished the Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle. Does this count? Gene Weingarten: It does not count.
By the way, the second puzzle in the NYT on
Sunday is usually more interesting.
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Anonymous:
Virtual underpants to you, Gene!
As a woman, I find it way more fun to eat a banana as suggestively as possible without being obvious. Everyone notices but no one is going to say, "I'm concerned with the way you are eating your banana. There is a more professional way to eat it in chunks." Life is boring enough -- liven it up when you can, right?
Serious question though: Richard Leiby talked about a shocker hand-sign Snoop Dogg made in a picture posted in his 4/7 chat and he wouldn't tell us what it means. Told us to use our imaginations, as though anyone with a life or an imagination is reading his chat. His high standards of good taste would not allow him to explain what this hand gesture means. I'm counting on you here! Gene Weingarten: Ah, yes. Liz, can we link to this photograph? There was quite a buzz online and in the newsroom after this item appeared. The hand signal is considered very vulgar because it is pantomiming a certain digital act of foreplay. That is as far as I dare go. If either your google skills or your imagination are good, you can get there.
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Underwe, AR:
My 12-year-old son came to me over the weekend, confessing he had been teased by other kids during his sixth grade PE class because he doesn't wear boxers. He demanded that all of his briefs be scrapped for boxers, "and they have to be just plain blue plaid, nothing with baseballs or hockey players on them." Back in the day (I'm 48), kids who wore boxers were shunned for dressing like their grandpas. Sigh.
Gene Weingarten: Exactly. But, as I am sure you know, logic does not matter one bit here. You have to let the kid wear what everyone wears. But you know that. You are a mom. Or dad. Mom, I think.
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washingtonpost.com:
Scroll down on this page for Snoop picture.
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Capitol Hill, Washington, D.C.:
Dear Mr. Weingarten,
I find you mildly amusing. I read your random yammerings mostly so that I can make conversation with my husband (who finds you hysterical). Whatever.
Today's joke contest winner made me laugh so hard I nearly wet my pants. I'm beginning to understand why Liz goes pantless.
Gene Weingarten: That is PRECISELY why Liz goes pantless.
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Heaven, W. VA.:
...and then St. Peter said, "you're all welcome to enter, but first, a little roo-roo."
Gene Weingarten: Yes, approximately 12 people submitted that. Many submitted Perdue Discovers God Is A Giant Chicken jokes, too.
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Sunday's Pearls :
That made me cry, it was so funny. My dad loves to make puns and rewrites words to songs to fit any situation so that's perfect. Too funny!! Except now I have that song in my head.
Gene Weingarten: It would have been terrible, except for the last line. An amazingly adroit bit of joke-saving.
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Stup, ID:
I don't get the winner, please please 'splain
Gene Weingarten: Again: Google "The Aristocrats." You will understand.
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Post Magazi, NE:
I'm writing this here because I don't know where else to.
Did you read the Magazine cover story, Hard Labor? The couple seemed like good people going through a horrible time. I have no issues with, indeed no say in, any of their choices.
I have to say though, that their decision to pose for a picture with their dead daughter is disturbing on so many levels. The decision of The Post to publish said picture adds to the issue. Did you find this creepy? Gene Weingarten: Read the chat from yesterday. Liz, can we link to this?
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Alexandria, Va.:
In case you old fuddy duddies were confused by today's Boondocks, "I'd hit it" is a term often used to mean, "I would engage in sexual intercourse with that person." washingtonpost.com:
Thank you for clearing that up, homes.
Gene Weingarten: Um, yes. A funny comic. Have we linked to this? I forget. Liz, can we?
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A woman takes a stand:
Re: Stalling
Who do you think you are, insulting the reverse-footed?
Or maybe she was just pouring out some ancient soup.
Gene Weingarten: This is a reference to last week's chat. This is very funny, for those of you who remember the Man/Woman in the next stall.
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washingtonpost.com:
Post Magazine discussion
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New York, N.Y.:
I have a question for you or Pat:
Which of the following phrases is correct? I learned this once but I forgot:
"No one is more disappointed than I" or "No one is more disappointed than me?"
By the way, does the question mark properly belong inside the quotation mark in that sentence (fragment)? Gene Weingarten: You wouldn't say "No one is more disappointed than me am," would you?
The questionmark goes outside, for reasons I cannot understand, since all other punctuation goes inside. Can Pat explain this?
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Airbor, NE:
How much are you willing to wager that Mike Doonesbury's stepdaughter, who's about to enlist in the Army, will die in a firefight in Iraq? Is it possible to telegraph a more obvious ending?
Gene Weingarten: I guarantee you that Trudeau will not do this. If he does, I will have an entire chat where humor is prohibited.
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New Br, AS:
I broke down and bought some beige bras after reading your chat. I hope you're happy. The next question is, what's the vote on lined versus unlined? Hopefully I won't need to explain why I ask.
Gene Weingarten: Lined? You mean padded? I don't even know what this question means.
Er, you are a chick, right?
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Snoopy Dogg, DG:
Its called the shocker. and yes, its quite vulgar. But hilarious.
Gene Weingarten: Yes, precisely. The shocker.
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Not Pat, ME:
The question mark goes on the outside because the overall sentence is a question, not the thing being quoted.
Gene Weingarten: But then why do you put the period inside, smartypants? The sentence is ending, not the quote.
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The 12-Year-Old's Parent:
Fascinating. Yes, I'm his mom. I thought I had disguised that. And yes; I went out immediately and purchased said boxers. If self-esteem comes from plain blue plaid, that's the easy part of parenting.
Gene Weingarten: You betchum.
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Re: Coors:
I think Coors has a flavor...a bad one. But I do like water flavored beer. What's so wrong about that? Water is good for you, so naturally watery beer must be, too.
Gene Weingarten: Bile is good for you, too. Don't mean you have to drink bile-flavored sody pop.
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Yes Lover:
Mr. Roboto by YES!?!?! Egads, have some musical taste. It was a concept song by STYX. A bad concept, no doubt. washingtonpost.com:
Wait. A self-described "Yes Lover" is going to school me in musical taste? I think not.
Gene Weingarten: I guess I am the only person who LIKES Mr. Roboto.
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Bras:
Lined bras are better at camouflaging when, um, "the turkey is done."
Gene Weingarten: Huh? Will some woman please explain this to me?
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Washington, D.C.:
There is an old joke featuring Perdue and the Pope; not quite on point (as I can't work in Cochrane or Schaivo), but here goes (in summary):
Frank Purdue goes before the Pope and asks him to switch the communion bread for communion chicken. The Pope, shocked at the suggestion, refuses, even when offered a substantial "donation."
This goes on for some time: Purdue continues to ask to Pope to switch bread for chicken and offers even more substantial "donations," but the Pope still refuses. Finally, Purdue comes up with enough cash to make the Pope change his mind.
The Pope then goes before the College of Cardinals and begins, "Well, my friends, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're going to lose the Wonderbread contract . . . ."
Gene Weingarten: Yes, I remember this joke. Not bad.
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Doonesbu, RI:
Gene -- You might have pointed out that she's
Doonesbury's daughter, not his step-daughter. That said,
do you think there's a chance that BD will wind up back in
Iraq, injury and all, with her in his unit?
Gene Weingarten: I'm guessing she is not going.
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Washington, D.C.:
My mom always told me that dry-clean-only clothes didn't get dirty the way other clothes do, so you could wear them several times without getting them dry cleaned again. That never made sense to me; I wash all my regular clothes after wearing them all day. Why are dry clean-only clothes different?
I appreciate your help.
Gene Weingarten: Um, I think the answer might be that your mom was wrong?
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I'm a man and I can explain "turkey is done":
Make the phrase plural and you get the idea.
Gene Weingarten: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
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Explanati, ON:
For those who don't get the winner: It's an in-joke. It's perhaps the funniest in the context of this chat. But the first runner-up is spit-take pee-yourself pound-the-table funny, as well as in absolutely horrible taste. Sa-lute!
Gene Weingarten: Okay, then.
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Re. the question mark:
Just in case Pat ain't there, I'm a copy editor what can expailn the question mark:
It goes outside the quote because it's not part of what's being quoted. The statement in the quote is not a question; it is being quoted as PART of a question. washingtonpost.com:
Are you sure you're a copy editor?
Gene Weingarten: Then why isn't the period outside the quote, too, since it is ending the whole sentence, and not just what is inside the quote?
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Smartypants:
Okay, after Googling... this is what I came up with as to why periods go inside quotation marks whereas question marks don't always.
"There are peculiar typographical reasons why the period and comma go inside the quotation mark in the United States. The following explanation comes from the "Frequently Asked Questions" file of alt.english.usage: "In the days when printing used raised bits of metal, "." and "," were the most delicate, and were in danger of damage (the face of the piece of type might break off from the body, or be bent or dented from above) if they had a '"' on one side and a blank space on the other. Hence the convention arose of always using '."' and ',"' rather than '".' and '",', regardless of logic." This seems to be an argument to return to something more logical, but there is little impetus to do so within the United States."
Gene Weingarten: Ah!
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New Br, AS:
No, lined. Padding is dishonest.
I am a chick, yes.
washingtonpost.com:
Lined? Are you sure you weren't looking in the maternity section?
Gene Weingarten: Ladies, will someone please tell me what the hell is going on?
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Boston, Mass.:
Go with the lined. Always.
That perky anchor on CNBC, Rebecca whatever, once made the critical mistake of wearing a bra without lining and beige blouse. It was rectified after her first segment (presumably by some kind of temporary, emergency lining).
Talk about nip slip. It was a classic.
Gene Weingarten: Well, why would ANYONE wear a non-lined bra? I am not getting this, exactly.
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Turkeys:
So the next undergarment question is - do you like that like you like VPL?
Gene Weingarten: Yes, I am proud of that. It demonstrates that I am a sophisticated, artistic type.
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Eugene, Ore.:
Gene.... I have a great sense of humor but, well, obviously I am a little bit stupid, too. (I'm smart enough to know that YOU are hilarious, though.) So now that I've set that all up: Can you explain why The Aristocrats is funny? I just don't get it, and it's driving me nuts.
Gene Weingarten: Arrrrr. It's drrrriving me nuts!!!!
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Kensington, Md.:
Mr. Weingarten, do you recall the serialized "novel" that ran in Tropic in the mid-90s, "Naked Came the Manatee?" First chapter by your bud Dave Barry, following weeks featuring local authors including Edna Buchanan and Elmore Leonard and the final installment by Carl Hiaasen? Truly awful, but great fun. Mr. Hiaasen seemed almost annoyed with some of the plot twists, especially the anthropomorphized manatee. Anyhoots, how about something similar in the Sunday magazine? Local authors contribute a chapter each, maybe even with some Post writers kicking in. Maybe Mr. Leiby could write a chapter explaining the "real reason" Condi Rice was wearing those boots in Germany.
Oh, and is Dave Barry going to write another novel during his hiatus? His first stab, while not great fiction, was funny as hell. Gene Weingarten: Dave has written two novels. The first was "Big Trouble," and it was funny as hell. The second was "Tricky Business," and it also was funny as hell. He's now writing another book, not a novel.
I shall pass your idea along to Mr. Thebutcher. He was the editor behind the first one, at Tropic, so he might be impressed by the genius of the idea.
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Bra Lady:
I'm the woman who originally posted about the reason for wearing beige bras. Having seen the great influence I have had on the women of America, do you think Victoria's Secret will pay me lots of money to be a spokesperson, even if I don't look like Tyra Banks?
Gene Weingarten: You have Made a Difference. You can die happy, now.
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Salisbury, Md.:
Okay, is it just me, or did the "f" word make into the Post last week, via a photo of a vandalized Civil War casket? F--- is clearly visible in graffiti just to the left of the casket (left from the photographer's perspective). I haven't heard anything about this elsewhere, so I thought maybe it was just in the really early Eastern Shore edition, but it's on washingtonpost.com, too:
Civil War-Era Casket Vandalized in D.C., (Post, April 7)
Gene Weingarten: I think there is plausible deniability.
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The Sewer:
You had a poster last week who wrote ...that all life is beautiful. I didn't realize that such a statement that is a central part of virtually every organized religion...
Not to pick nits, here, but is Buddhism not considered a "major religion?" One of its central tenets is that "Life is suffering." Hardly a beautiful image... Gene Weingarten: Nice nit. Thank you.
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Humor in Washington, D.C.:
I wanted to let you know that Dave Barry's definition of humor that you passed on recently helped me with an otherwise stressful medical problem last week. After being told I had a testicular tumor and that I would have to get a radical orchiectomy (I figure you would know what that is so I wouldn't have to gross out your delicate readers), I went out with some friends for some drinks. Over the course of the night, I made jokes about the impending surgery and how it would leave me physically. Some friends objected to my jokes, saying it wasn't "funny, yet," and that I should give it more time. I argued that, first of all, I was the one going through it, and so I can joke about it; and, secondly, that laughing about it helped me -- and them -- feel less tense about the situation. As the final arbiter of all that is humurous, what do you think?
The surgery, by the way, was a success and I should make a full recovery.
Poop. Gene Weingarten: For some reason, I am thinking of my old days in the Bronx, listening to Mel Allen call a Yankee home run.
Congratulations. You are a lucky guy, for more than one reason. Better still, you know it.
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Copy edit, OR:
One of the funniest resumes i ever read was from someone who decided to deviate from the standard format somewhat. At the top of the page, she listed her "qualities", which included, roughly in this order: Hard Working, Attentive to Detail, Team-Player, Punctual, Attentive to Detail...
Whats the business etiquette on calling somebody up after seeing that? I prefer the social Darwin approach, but should I let them know they need to fix things like that?
Gene Weingarten: Hahahahahahaha. In the Tropic encyclopedia many years ago, we defined "Deja Vu" twice, once near the beginning and once near the end.
But that was deliberate.
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Lining vs padding:
In bra nomenclature, a lining is made of foam and is far thinner than a padding which may be made of foam or some other material. A lining is meant to confer (is that the right word?) modesty on the wearer. A padding is meant to either make the breasts look bigger than they are, or to life them up, or both.
Gene Weingarten: Thank you.
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Onceuponati, ME:
I found the reaction to Prince Charles' second wedding to be fascinating. I would have thought that Prince Charles would be a hero to women for setting a positive example to all men, when he showed the "good sense" to ditch a empty headed pretty face for a woman of comparative substantance who is his equal in age, interests, etc. Instead it seems that most women would prefer that he had remained married to Diana even though (according to Slate -- I don't follow these things closely) she cheated on him first and more than once.
The upshot seems to be that women prefer the fairy tale of the beautiful princess marrying the prince to the cautionary tale that marrying a bimbo is simply asking for trouble and men should realise that they would be happier marrying real women.
I would love to hear your, Liz's or Gina's thoughts on this matter.
Thanks
Gene Weingarten: You know, I have had EXACTLY this thought. The only wrinkle is that you may be giving Chas a little too much credit, brainwise. Chas., I think, is the male version of a bimbo.
This DOES seem to be the triumph of true love over plastic glitz, and I am surprised more people of both genders haven't glommed onto this point.
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Urin, AL:
Gene - I have a question that is way beneath Dear Abby or Miss Manners, so I'm naturally turning to you. My sister thinks men peek at each other in urinals for comparison purposes. I've always heard that, due to excessive fear of being caught, men look as far away from each others' pants as possible. My theory would also explain the aim problems, as I suspect that when at home, men practice for public urinals by looking at the ceiling. Which is it? Do you peek? Gene Weingarten: There is no peeking, period. This is nothing any man wants to know. Any man, of any orientation.
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Washington, D.C.:
First, for the horologist, curious what you think of the various timepieces found here. Personally, I like the digital clock that displays Roman numerals. Something very quaint about that.
Second, for the hypochondriac diagnostian, what do you think of the followings symptoms: pain in the neck and shoulder, occasionally sharp, sometimes spreading down to the upper arm or even the hand, lasting for over a week? Pinched nerve, herniated disc, or, for more fun, cancerous growth compressing the spinal column?
Thanks. Gene Weingarten: I disrespect all watches and clocks that are electric; not mechanical, with the exception of that neat online clock in which a hand keeps erasing and re-writing numbers. I have mentioned it before. Does anyone have a link to it you can send in?
Neurology is not my specialty, so it would not be professional for me to offer an opinion on your condition. You may want to email Dr. Sanjay Gupta. But whatever you do, don't see a practicing physician. That would just be too crazy.
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Boston, Mass.:
Some woman find the slinky, see through bras sexier. They are less structurally assistive, however, and can lead to inadvertant nip slip. For those reason, I never wear them.
Liz's crack about maternity bras was suggesting that those of us who prefer lined bras are matronly and not at all sexy. One might suggest that women who prefer the unlined bras are what my late mother would have called cheap, but then, that would be mean and not in the spirit of your chat.
Gene, would you prefer to move the discussion along to nursing bras at this point?
washingtonpost.com:
I'm OK with "cheap."
Gene Weingarten: You're okay with cheap? Will you cop to "slutty"?
No, we can stay away from the nursing bras, thanks.
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In defense of Coors Light:
I'm a middle-aged guy. For years, my smartaleck nephews ridiculed my drinking Coors Light as my beverage of choice during our endless pool tournaments on my basement table, and always brought their expesive high-falutin' Euro beers to these events. They were merciless in their criticisms, until one day they realized that although they are all better pool players than their uncle, I was winning 3/4 of the games played every tourney. So now, before the tourney begins, the nephews make a 7-11 run for a case of Coors to keep things even. And my winning percentage has declined accordingly.
Gene Weingarten: Understood. I am not against STRATEGIC drinking of any swill. But let's not pretend the stuff is any good.
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Poll Tax:
This week's poll is an experiment to either drive your readers away or to see if we are the mindless sheep you suspect us to be... answering questions with no meaning or sense. Gene Weingarten: Yes, yes, true enough.
Here are the poll answers: There are no poll answers. It is all insane. My goal was to see how many of you would be willing to express opinions on a matter about which absolutely no opinions are possible. By the look of the numbers, compared to most weekly numbers, it's almost all of you!
There is an answer to the math question, which was written for this chat by the wonderfully monickered Dr. Patrick Fitzpatrick, chairman of the math department of the University of Maryland. The correct answer is that no one knows the answer.
And yes, I made up the names of all the tortures.
Gene Weingarten: I would, however, love to hear your reasons for choosing various items, if they are interesting.
Obviously, at least a few people were clever enough to Google the math answer.
My son correctly predicted that few people would pick Satan's Forceps. He said: "They sound like they either explore an orifice, or create a new one. Either way, I want no part of it."
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Chantilly, Va.:
You're wrong. It's "Lust for Life" by Iggy Pop and the Stooges. Four guys. No talent. All energy. Electric Rock and Roll!
Gene Weingarten: Actually, the rock song most ahead of its time is probably something we STILL think sucks, like "Revolution Number 9"
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Uh, Gene...:
I once had a guy peek at me and do... um... other things. I quickly zipped up and found another restroom far, far away!
Really!
Gene Weingarten: That reminds me of a stupid joke I really like. Its punchline is "And now, monsieur, your wallet please...?"
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Litera, RI:
"Naked Came the Manatee" is a rip-off of the
pseudonymous Penelope Ashe's "Naked Came the
Stranger."
Gene Weingarten: Well, yes, but a deliberate rip-off. An homage.
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Arlington, Va.:
Wow. That guy laughing about his testicular cancer has real ball.
Gene Weingarten: Hahahahahahahahahaha.
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Sli,ME:
I wrote a half dozen jokes for the contest but they all sounded racist or worthless, somehow involving Michael Jackson or Paris Hilton. How many people crossed the Chat's already distant line?
Gene Weingarten: Many.
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Torture device:
One of the devices did come up in Google involving a swinging pendulum with a razor blade attached -- Pylon.
Gene Weingarten: You have got to be kidding. Wow.
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Pat the Perfect, ME:
Why periods and commas go inside quotation marks: Right, it doesn't follow the logic of being or not being part of the quote, as the placement of question marks (and also exclamation points), as the previous poster correctly explained. It's simply to avoid having a little naked comma or period hanging out there all by its lonesome. I have seen books in which the period is placed after the end quotes. They're probably British. Maybe they don't care about little things hanging out all naked.
Gene Weingarten: Oooh.
Thanks pthep.
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Rock Prophecy:
"In the Year 2525?" Because, you know, we haven't gotten there yet, AND it sucks.
Gene Weingarten: True nuff. Man, that song sucked.
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Denver, Colo.:
OK, the person who wrote in about Prince Charles has got it wrong. Charles is basically his parent's puppet. The only reason he married Diana is because his father told him it was time to settle down, she was available, and a virgin (which was required). He didn't marry Camilla because he went away to join the military and she married someone else. However, that didn't stop them from shtupping each other throughout their marriages. Charles proposed to Camilla because the Queen Mum died and she would have objected. That being said, I truly believe they are in love and always have been, but I don't think Charles has ever had an original idea and he finally married Camilla because it was ok with Mommy & Daddy. And as I type this I realized I know WAY too much about the Royals. Poop
Gene Weingarten: Precisely. My question: How the heck do we KNOW she was a virgin?
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Another One Bites the Dust:
Yet another tune falls to the TV advertisers. A Hertz commercial on the air now fades out with the opening riff to Lou Reed's "Take a Walk on the Wild Side." Cool tune, but does anyone at Hertz know the song is about, um, well, a transvestite hooker?
Gene Weingarten: Did anyone waving those American flags know what the hell the song was about when Springsteen sang "Born In the USA"? Note, questionmark outside sentence.
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Wow:
This chat is interesting today. That was a great comment by Boston just now. Haha. Also, the matronly bras are made for those who actually have stuff to put in them. So there.
Gene Weingarten: Catfight! Catfight!
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Baltiless, Md.:
Gene:
Sorry I'm late.
Can you give me a quick executive summary of what I've missed? great!
Gene Weingarten: The geometry of bras. No-brainer jokes. Testicular cancer. Pretty much run of the mill stuff.
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Boston, Mass.:
This is unbelievably creepy, but I distinctly remember that Diana was examined by some kind of royal physician who declared she was a virgin. This information was released to the press.
How medieval is that?
Gene Weingarten: How STUPID is that? You simply cannot tell.
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Best song:
Greatest song has to be '99 Luft Balloons'. Just listen to it today and it is just as true.
Gene Weingarten: I loved that song, too.
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Joke Ti, ME:
How's about a joke from the ol' Weingarten archives... to make up for this week's horrid poll.
(I tried googling "And now, monsieur, your wallet please...?" to no avail.)
Gene Weingarten: A man is at the urinal and the French guy next to him asks for permission to touch, because he is a sculptor, an artist, no sexual thing intended, please trust me, I am French, I must observe the contours of a perfect item... etc. So he says ok. Then the punchline.
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Columbia Heights, Washington, D.C.:
Hey, Gene --
Everyday when I walk to work, I pass by two dogs who are in their front gated yards.
I always feel the desire to (and occasionally do) greet them when they look at me. Usually, I say, "Hello, pup."
I have a few times been caught doing this by others and they look at me like I am crazy.
The question is, am I?
Gene Weingarten: Huh? You do not own, nor have you ever owned a dog, have you?
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Washington, D.C.:
Rock song most ahead of its time:
"My Generation" by the Who
It's pure punk before even Velvet Underground. washingtonpost.com:
Agreed.
Gene Weingarten: Liz, please find and publish the lyrics to "You Don't Own Me," together with the year?
This should end the discussion. Sheesh. It was a macho feminist song in the age of "I'm Bobby's Boy."
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Virg, IN:
Uh, yeah you can. Not going to happen all the time, but if it happens it's pretty solid proof
Gene Weingarten: Nope. Lots of things can break a hymen. It's just nonsense. And sex doesn't HAVE to break a hymen.
I love this chat. I mean, really.
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Amishland, Pa.:
I sent some funny verses to News to aMuse, even a double dactyl about John Bolton, not an easy task, and except for one about Charles and Camilla and his finally buying the cow, they were shunned for some dumb hiaku. Who was judging the contest? washingtonpost.com:
Three very disheartened post.com editors.
Gene Weingarten: Hahahaha.
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Shockered:
THE QUEEN MUM IS DEAD?!?!?!?!?
This chat can be frighteningly educational.
Gene Weingarten: Yeah, she 'spired some time ago.
She was actually quite a broad. I respected her. A gutsy lady during the war.
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washingtonpost.com:
You Don't Own Me
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Joke Time, Part Deux:
Ok, that sucked. How about a joke that's funny?
Gene Weingarten: No. I refuse.
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Roy, AL:
I've heard that Charles could not have married Camilla even if he had not gone into the military, because she, ahem, "had a history." I.e., she was not a virgin even before she met him.
Gene Weingarten: I guess this is why Edward couldn't marry whatsername and remain king, eh?
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Aboutti, ME:
Started reading precisely at noon.
Now:12:51pm.
I have finally caught up with the current question. Damn introduction...
Gene Weingarten: Hahahahaha. Well, you did nicely.
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Herndon, Va.:
W: "In the Year 2525" Not only was it possible the worst hit song of all time, it nearly caused me to wreck my new car. I had heard Zager and Evans at some coffehouse/club just before I went to Vietnam. They weren't too bad in person, although "2525" had to be their worst song. I get back from Nam, I'm out in my new car, switch FM stations, and, "2525" is blaring away. I nearly went off the road, and, for at least a minute, was convinced I somehow was picking up a low-power FM station from halfway across the country. The idea that this song had become a hit was incomprehensible. (and still is)
Gene Weingarten: It may be the worst rock song of all time, now that I think about it.
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Gene Weingarten: I ALMOST FORGOT. Great aptonym -- a woman shopkeeper criticized for refusing to keep her bathroom open to mourners in Rome: Mariana Santoliquido.
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Gene Weingarten: Okay, well, sadly, this excellent chat is done. Thank you all.
Listen, I am not going to be able to update the chat this week. A one-week incapacity. Sorry, Lizzie.
See you all next Tuesday, normal time.
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