Chatological Humor*
Gene Weingarten
Washington Post Staff Writer
Tuesday, March 29, 2005; Noon ET
*Formerly known as "Funny? You Should Ask."
Gene Weingarten's controversial humor column, Below the Beltway, appears every Sunday in the Washington Post Magazine. He aspires to someday become a National Treasure, but is currently more of a National Gag Novelty Item, like rubber dog poo.
He is online, at any rate, each Tuesday, to take your questions and abuse.
He'll chat about anything.
This week's poll.
Weingarten is the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death" and co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca. "Below the Beltway" is now syndicated nationally by The Washington Post Writers Group.
Editor's Note: washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control
over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.
Gene Weingarten: Good afternoon.
I am abandoning my planned introduction for an important public service announcement. Since a large percentage of this chat’s participants are women, and since ALL women participating in this chat are beautiful, it is incumbent upon me to share this employment opportunity with you all. My wife found it in an actor’s jobs website on craigslist. I have not checked it out because I received it On Deadline, but it sounds real. Here it is, verbatim:
“Goldstein Productions is currently casting for the documentary “Beautiful Irony.” The main scope of the film will focus on the irony of being a beautiful woman but having problems that people would not expect. This particular portion will focus on beautiful women who have surprisingly smelly feet and their experiences dealing with it in different situations. You will be given the choice to have your profile anonymous within the documentary as well. The documentary will air on Showtime in Fall 2005. Shoot schedule is 3 days. Pays $800 to $1500. job-64976437(at)craigslist.org.”
Okay, then.
I got some excellent letters this week. Here’s one that was sent to the Washington Post letters page:
Though Dave Barry is not my favorite humor columnist, he does occasionally make me laugh. This said, I have 6 words for Gene Weingarten and whoever his editor might be:
When will Dave Barry be back?
(end of my 6 words)
Furthermore, to the general editors of the Washington Post:
It can't be soon enough. My dog is funnier than Gene Weingarten, and only because he bites at his rear end when he farts.
Just my two cents.
Thanks.
Cory Jordan
----
I also got this:
A coarse correspondent named Gene
Writes a column now prominently seen
Where D. Barry was wont
To sneakily haunt
The back of the Post Magazine.
This Genome will sometime write verse
To deliver his messages terse.
He lauds his forebears
And plunders their wares
While amusing us big time, of cerse .
It’s a nice backhanded slap, and I accept it stolidly. May I have another, sir! The writer is Nat Benchley, Robert’s grandson and proprietor of www.natbenchley.com.
And lastly, I received an intriguing letter from Ashleen O'Gaea in Tucson, AZ. Ashleen read Sunday's column in the (Tucson) Arizona Daily Star, one of America’s great newspapers that happens to now carry Below the Beltway. Ashleen liked the poems but was deeply offended by one of them. She said it was insulting to refer to those Guantanamo sluts as “witches.” She said (in verse) that I should have called them “bitches.”
Ashleen is a Wiccan priestess.
Okay, please take today’s poll, which is a re-examination of two cartoons I wish the Post would pick up. As always, I will reveal the correct choices midway through the chat.
A very weak comic week. The CPOW (Monday’s Boondox) did make me laugh aloud. Ditto, the runner-up, Sunday’s Pickles. I also must call your attention to yesterday’s and today’s Prickly City, which are shockingly stupid and out of control and just plain insulting to anyone with a brain. As it were. But I do have to give Stantis credit for daring.
There is also a major correction, which follows. I hope publishing the original error did not cause any serious repercussions – divorces, suicides, whatever.
Okay, let’s go.
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washingtonpost.com:
Comic Pick of the Week:
Boondocks (March 28)
Runner Up:
Pickles, (March 27)
Also mentioned:
Prickly City: March 28 | March 29
Vote in today's poll!
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Gene Weingarten:
I received an important correspondence from Patrick Murray, creating an urgent need to correct a serious error from last week’s chat. I do not know how this happened, and will look into the matter immediately, but apparently a chatter submitted a bogus new-name generator for the Captain Poopiepants story! Here is the real generator, culled directly from the book by Patrick’s wife, Stinky.
First chart: Use the first letter of your first name to determine your NEW
first name.
A - Stinky
B - Lumpy
C - Buttercup
D - Gidget
E - Crusty
F - Greasy
G - Fluffy
H - Cheeseball
I - Chim-Chim
J - Poopsie
K - Flunky
L - Booger
M - Pinky
N - Zippy
O - Goober
P - Doofus
Q - Slimy
R - Loopy
S - Snotty
T - Falafel
U - Dorky
V - Squeezit
W - Oprah
X - Skipper
Y - Dinky
Z - Zsa-Zsa
Second chart: Use the first letter of your last name to determine the
first half of your NEW last name.
A - Diaper
B - Toilet
C - Giggle
D - Bubble
E - Girdle
F - Barf
G - Lizard
H - Waffle
I - Cootie
J - Monkey
K - Potty
L - Liver
M - Banana
N - Rhino
O - Burger
P - Hamster
Q - Toad
R - Gizzard
S - Pizza
T - Gerbil
U - Chicken
V - Pickle
W - Chuckle
X - Tofu
Y - Gorilla
Z - Stinker
Third chart: Use the last letter of your last name to determine the second
half of your NEW last name.
A - Head
B - Mouth
C - Face
D - Nose
E - Tush
F - Breath
G - Pants
H - Shorts
I - Lips
J - Honker
K - Butt
L - Brain
M - Tushie
N - Chunks
O - Hiney
P - Biscuits
Q - Toes
R - Buns
S - Fanny
T - Sniffer
U - Sprinkles
V - Kisser
W - Squirt
X - Humperdinck
Y - Brains
Z - Juice
Sadly, as Patrick points out, the world must revolve around reality, not unsolicited email. I am no longer "Zippy Girdlechunks," but "Fluffy Chucklechunks." And the president of the United States is no longer “Goober Chickenshorts” but merely “Fluffy Toiletshorts.”
The Washington Post regrets the error.
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San Diego, Calif.:
As a woman, I shave dry in front of the sink, never knew about flushing the toilet with my foot or even about wearing a tan bra under a white shirt. I even call panties panties. Am I a freak? What's wrong with me? Gene Weingarten: It occurs to me, in reading this, that first-time visitors to this chat must be astonishingly confused.
Welcome to the madhouse, first time visitors.
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Honestly Ge, NE:
all choices are pretty flippin' stupid. please don't sully the Far Side by trying to hold any of these up as comparisons.
WEAK! WEAK! WEAK!! Gene Weingarten: Oh, I disagree. I think these two comics are pretty darn good. To lament that they are not The Far Side and therefore unworthy of reading is churlish. I am not Benchley, either. You're still here.
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Washington, D.C.:
What most bugs you about your wife? What do you wish you could change about her? Gene Weingarten: Oh, man. I have no idea even where to begin. My marriage is a hollow chasm of disappointments. I am forever wishing I could change my wife to make her better.
For one thing, she is way too attractive; she distracts me when I am trying to work or even watch sports on TV. She has also been a fabulous mother, so I am always worried our children love her best. She is very smart and funny, so is always suggesting good ideas for my columns, and even some of my better lines. This can be very discouraging and harmful to my self-esteem. She is also a highly skilled professional, which means she and I compete in salary, and she substantially outstrips me in stature. This is a dreadful situation for any self-respecting man to find himself in.
I could go on and on but it is too depressing. Her cooking is so good I am constantly battling weight problems. She is so kind and considerate and forgiving that I feel like a selfish jerk. Etc.
Thanks for asking. I needed to get that off my chest.
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Gene Weingarten: I wrote that previous answer yesterday. My son suggested I took the wrong tack, so I wrote this one today:
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Washington, D.C.:
What most bugs you about your wife? What do you wish you could change about her? Gene Weingarten: Nothing really bugs me about my wife. When you enter a marriage, you have to relax your standards a little, for the sake of harmony. Sure, I wish her personal hygiene were a little more rigorous, but you can't obsess on small matters like that, and the fact is, she is improving. Neighborhood dogs no longer scratch to get in the house. You have to look at the positive -- in my case, this would be the fact that her shoplifting arrests are substantially down for the first quarter of this year. All in all, I consider myself a lucky man.
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Rockville, Md.:
I hate to point this out, but doesn't your poll itself give away the answer to the third question? And in a way, the fourth question, too. washingtonpost.com:
Vote in today's poll!
Gene Weingarten: How does it do that?
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Bethesda, Md.:
Gene-
I can't remember if it was Friday or Saturday's "Family Circus," and I can't seem to find a link to it on the internet, but doesn't this comic show that the Family is really just white trash?
I'll summarize the comic so that this can be better understood. Dolly is pointing to the bushes in front of the house and says to the Dad, "Can we light up the Christmas lights for Easter?" or something to that effect. It's the end of March! Who still has their Christmas lights up? White trash, that's who.
Gene Weingarten: Please see next response.
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Denver, Colo.:
I cringed on seeing the Post Editorial on Condi Rice on Monday the 22nd entitled Well Spoken.
Specifically, I was reminded of the movie Undercover Brother specifically that (to excerpt a Salon review):
This is a movie that explodes the racist shorthand that we see everyday in a world where well-meaning liberals and closet bigots alike sometimes find themselves bumbling their way through the forest of racial awareness. One of my favorite jokes in "Undercover Brother" features two cheerful, robotic newscasters who evaluate an African-American political candidate by praising his attributes: "He's so well spoken!" one says. The other notes how well he's doing in the polls -- "And not just in the urban areas!"
I'm particularly suprised by the title because while there were many reasons to oppose her appointment as Secretary of State, her speaking abilities were never in question.
Any thoughts? Gene Weingarten: Yeah. I think there may be some subtle, unintended racism in your question.
I know that commending a black person for being "articulate" or "well-spoken" has long been justifiably seen as a patronizing use of language since it seems to imply that it is suprising to find an articulate black person. A credit to their race, you know? (I similarly hate the term "white trash," because, to me, it not-so-subtly suggests that there are three kinds of people: classy white people, white trash, and black trash. Otherwise why specify "white"?)
But, man. Can't we get past this? Sometimes? We are talking about the secretary of state, whose job it is, after all, to speak clearly in a complicated world of diplomacy. I don't see any patronizing attitude in complimenting Rice's performance at a part of the job all too many secretaries of state have failed at.
Rather than subtly dwelling on race, I think the Post editorial was unsubtly ignoring race. As is completely appropriate. No?
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Falls in the Toilet Church, Va.:
Today's illustration of Gene makes me think of what the late Captain Kangaroo would look like if he hung out with the Wild and Crazy Czech Brothers.
Gene Weingarten: You don't know how close you are.
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New York:
It's getting so that answering your poll is anxiety-
inducing. Will my answers be right? Will Gene mock me
mercilessly if I disagree with him about humor? Will I be
branded forever as a big unfunny dufus? (How is "dufus"
spelled, anyway?)
But I will be brave, and not just fill out the poll and risk
being wrong, but also make an observation about Brevity.
In the three cartoons you listed, I thought the captions
were unnecessary. They did not add anything to the
drawings. Gene Weingarten: NONE OF THOSE TOONS WOULD HAVE MADE ANY SENSE WITHOUT THE CAPTIONS!
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Pittsburgh, Pa.:
Is it just me, or would every one of the "Loose Parts" comics be improved by nixing the caption? Gene Weingarten: YOU PEOPLE ARE OUT OF YOUR MINDS.
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Help, ME:
Why do guys like to sleep on the couch. I am a guy, I do it once in a while because I can. I am single so it is voluntary. Why does it feel so good? Gene Weingarten: For precisely the same reason men peek at women. It is forbidden.
I have observed that a woman in shorts crossing her legs attracts far less attention from men than a woman in a skirt crossing her legs, even though the shortswoman is exposing more leg. It is because peeking is forbidden.
If you don't understand what this has to do with sleeping on a couch, you aren't really male.
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Boston, Mass.:
Hi Gene,
I tend to agree with you on the Terry Schaivo thing, but I read this today and it got me thinking. It is not your typical "right to life" article and it isn't overly politicized.
Why Congress Was Right to Stick Up for Terri Schiavo, (Slate, March 23)
Any thoughts? Gene Weingarten: This piece also ran in the Post. It is very well written, and moving. I don't disagree with it, except for the fact that the Terri Shiavo case is a half a decade old. Due process has been given ad nauseam. What is apparent to most disinterested parties is that she has been dead -- cognitively -- for years. And years and years. Doctors who know the case believe that. The courts have accepted that, time and again. This last spasm of politics and sanctimony has been appalling.
Terri Schiavo is not being "killed" or "starved to death." She is dead. Has been a long time. She is being allowed to stop breathing.
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Pittsburgh, Pa:
Great shot back on 3/25 at the Washington, D.C. poster who wrote, "Let's kill Shiavo [sic]."
Anyone who can claim that "all life" is beautiful in the same paragraph in which he or she mentions the Nazis probably needs to work on his/her critical thinking skills.
But since that's unlikely, a Weingarten Smackdown is a joy to behold. Gene Weingarten: Have you ever heard Bill Hicks's caustic routine on "The Miracle of Birth"? If not it is well worth the price of the CD. ("Relentless," I think.) I would cut and paste it here except I need to keep my job for a while.
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1D479, Pentagon:
Gene, this Sunday's "Family Circus" featured a character referring to Jesus leaving a "happy trail" in the sky. Based on the urbandictionary.com definition of this term, I was a bit surprised to see Bil using this -- isn't he above those sorts of crude "Jesus is coming"-type naughty remarks? Gene Weingarten: Okay, you have me laughing here. Lizzie, can we link to this big ol' silly cartoon?
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Food Differentiation:
In high school, I astounded a friend by being able to tell the color of M&Ms by taste alone. Years later, I realized that the only thing I had to go by to know I was correct on each one was his word. I couldn't check for myself if I was right. I just assumed I was. I confused his hysterical laughter for humorous awe at my ability. My mother (who had been in the room) told me the truth about five years later. Gene Weingarten: I like that!
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Can of Worms:
Not to re-open last week's discussion (and since it's Thursday as I write this who knows what has happened since then).
Given your views on marriage, would you and your wife have considered it sans kids after watching something like the Schiavo case? Granted, her husband has had to fight, but without being her husband there would have been no fight, no rights, no nothing. Did you ever consider the nice, neat bundle of rights you get as a spouse that would require a lot of legal wrangling to get as unmarried persons? Just curious. It was a big reason for me to get hitched. Gene Weingarten: I'm not a lawyer, but my guess is that all I would need would be an enforceable contract in which I say that I want my live-in partner -- and not anyone else -- to be the person to make the decision on pulling any plug. The only thing marriage does is create a default position in the absence of a contract.
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Washington, D.C.:
My wife's name is now Gidget Barfburger. I actually like this just as much as her real name.
Gene Weingarten: It's pretty cool, yes.
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Bowie, Md.:
Gene, in two-plus years you've been doing this chat, I don't think you've ever once said anything about your first wife beyond acknowledging you had one.
Now that you've shared (again) what a gooddess Mrs. Weingarten the Prosecutor is, tell us SOMETHING about Ms. Ex.
Gene Weingarten: Hm. It was a very long time ago. I have been married 25 years, and that first marriage was brief. But she is a cool, funny, excellent woman.
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Dayton, Nev.:
Hello, Gene. I'm very pleased that I can now access your column on Jewish World Review and have to admit that I would never have expected you to pursue such a career. I expected something a little more scholarly, but I guess the fumes from the methyl ethyl ketone peroxide with which you and your cousin Margaret used to pickle bean sprouts for science projects back in Miss Nolan's 4th grade class at PS 26 really got to you. However, you did tell me the first dirty joke I ever heard back then.
By the way, you were right about Battle Mountain. I live about four hours away and have been through there a number of times.
Best regards,
Howard Hirsch
Dayton, Nevada
Gene Weingarten: Wow. I actually have a picture of you. You look nearly as dorky as I do. DO YOU REMEMBER SHARI BASNER?
What was the first dirty joke? Our readers need to find out. Send it in a way that it is publishable.
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Downtown Washington, D.C.:
I can corroborate the fact that Gene's wife is distracting. Having met her during my introductory visit to the Justice Department's Criminal Division, I can barely concentrate on my new duties as Attorney General.
Gene Weingarten: Hahahahahahaha.
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Anonymous:
Irony: A man was arrested for soliciting a hit man for Michael Shiavo and Judge George Greer. Um, hello??
-- Pinky Gigglebutt (!)
Gene Weingarten: True nuff. The irony can be cut with an axe.
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Washington, D.C.:
I'd like to think this is the last word on the Schiavo business, but the odds are too long for that.
In any case, as a pregnant woman, I strongly object to last week's poster who stated that all life is beautiful. I have the grave misfortune to be waiting for test results on a possible serious fetal malformation. If the results are what I fear, then I will have to choose (with my husband) whether or not to attempt to take this fetus to term. It very well may be that the best thing for all concerned that I do not. I may risk my life if I do nothing.
All life is not beautiful, nor is it sacred. It is a sad, scary truth, but as a human being and as a human race we are better off understanding that.
Gene Weingarten: So, see, this chat whipsaws from the sublime to the ridiculous to the lump in the throat.
Good luck. You'll make the right decision, and once you've made it, don't look back.
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Arlington, Va.:
My parents have a copy of the 1971 Family Circus classic, "It's Apparent You're A Parent." Catchy wordplay title aside, this book goes toe to toe with the most mundane and insipid of Keane's recent Family Circus work. This truly shows that some things never change.
Now, I put off reading this as long as I could, but when the choice of bathroom reading is Maryknoll magazine or Bil Keane, well you take what you can get. So, imagine my surprise to read this classic: "It's apparent you're a parent when you have to hide your Playboy magazine on the top shelf of the linen closet." And the drawing is of Daddy looking around nervously as he pulls out a Playboy.
Perhaps there's more to Jeffy watching his mom shave...
Gene Weingarten: Holy cow!
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Hurt IN:
Does it make me a bad person if I am laughing at someone who is having a biopsy on his prostate?
For prostate biopsies, you have to get stabbed in the a-- 12 times. Gene Weingarten: Aren't you stabbed in the perineum?
I am trying to figure if this is funny. I think it would be riotous if it weren't a test for, you know, cancer. Cancer is not ordinarily a hoot.
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Washingtoon:
You seem to have a big problem with hypocrisy. Have you ever, in your life, done anything hypocritical?
Gene Weingarten: Absolutely not! Until this very moment, that is.
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San Francisco, Calif.:
As alway everyone knows, Freud ask the question, "What do women want?"
Some time ago, I read what was supposed to be a joke -- and it was funny to me. Here it is: "What do woment want?" Answer: Shoes!
I've been trying to deconstruct the joke and figure out why I, and several people I've ask about it, think it's funny. We have a few ideas -- none quite satisfying.
Can you shed any light on the question and the answer?
Many thanks for your attention to this matter.
Pax vobiscum,
Frustrated in San Francisco washingtonpost.com:
Oooh, haaa.. that's hilarious.
Gene Weingarten: It is funny because it presents an instant conflicting frame of reference: Peek-a-boo.
You expect a deep philosophical answer, but you don't get it. You get an answer that is true, but on an entirely different level.
It is not THAT funny.
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Oh, NO:
I don't see any patronizing attitude in complimenting Rice's performance at a part of the job all too many secretaries of state have failed at.
You're dangling, Gene.
Gene Weingarten: I proudly dangle.
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Wivenhoe, Essex :
(English place names are funny already.) The following ad appeared in my local paper:
ETERNAL DREAMER, 32, attractive and slim with good sense of humor, living in hope and looking for my star crossed love. Seeking caring and attractive female for relationship.
Question: is this guy trying to demonstrate his sense of humor, or did he flunk Shakespeare?
Gene Weingarten: That is an excellent English place name. As was the dateline on today's Style section lead story about Prince Charles: "Cockermouth, England."
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Is This Really Fun, NY?:
After hearing about how Tom DeLay's father died in the maiden voyage of the backyard tram he built to his backyard lake, I can't help but find it funny.
I'm not talking about laughing at the hypocrisy of pro-life DeLay pulling the plug on his father or pro-tort reform DeLay suing the ball bearing manufacturer for a cool quarter mil. I'm talking about laughing at the thought of some Texan nimrod building a theme park ride in his back yard and then speeding out of control to his death on the very first run. It's like a Darwin Award winner. I can't stop giggling.
So my questions are:
1. In your objective judgement, is this really funny?
2. When I'm burning in hell, can I buy you lunch? Gene Weingarten: 1. It is wrong to laugh at someone else's misfortune. The death of one's parent is a serious matter. Sudden death, in particular, is traumatic, and therefore particularly disturbing. Grief is nothing to make light of. But, to answer your question, yes.
2. Yes.
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Washington, D.C.:
So my family had our annual Easter Religious Debate this weekend, and it was fixin' to be the usual friendly banter about the right to die (prompted by Terri Schiavo). However, my dad jumped in with a few comments about gay bishops and Episcopalians that made it apparent that's anti-homosexual. For many families, I'm sure that's not unusual, but my dad has raised two gay kids. Neither of us had any clue that he felt that way, since he's always been so warm and accepting of us. Now I'm questioning my whole world view. Are there any earth-shaking revelations that you need to get off your chest, and misconceptions that need clearing up?
Gene Weingarten: Wow. Well, I've never understood why women fret over visible panty lines. Men LOVE visible panty lines.
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Is this the Worst Way to Go?:
PRAGUE, Czech Republic - A Czech tractor driver died under eight tons of manure in a bizarre accident that has baffled his employers, local media reported.
The 34-year old man, identified only as Martin T., suffocated after the load fell on him while he was dumping it in a field near the western Czech city of Karlovy Vary, news Web Site www.novinky.cz reported on Sunday. “It absolutely beats me how this could happen,” said Vladimir Erps, chief of the company employing the victim.
“The truck is operated from the tractor cabin, using hydraulics. There was nothing for him to do under the truck, but it’s tough to blame him now that he is dead,” the news site quoted him as saying.
Also, does the spokesperson's name count as an aptonym, or am I stretching unduly?
Gene Weingarten: Clearly, no one wants to call it what it is, a poop suicide.
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Say aga, IN?:
I would appreciate assistance from you and your loyal readers. This morning I saw the following bumper sticker on a pickup truck -
" Eat Bruce Lee's Wings, and Kick A$%!"
I have no idea what this means; I'm so perplexed I can hardly concentrate on my work. Any thoughts? Thanks.
Sincerely,
Boobie GerbilChunks Gene Weingarten: I just heard a radio ad by that media-whore Larry King yesterday. It was for some vitamin. He said, as I recall, "I don't get more insurance every time the weather gets worse." Huh?
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Misogy, NY:
Gene, you have commented in the past about your wife's experience that only women (and black men) give up seats on the subway for a pregnant woman. When chatters made this same point during the Dr. Gridlock chat today, here's what he said:
Dr. Gridlock: I wonder if chivalry died when women insisted on being treated like men in the workplace...
So I have a few questions: How did woman insist on being treated "like men?" Equal pay? Equal opportunity? Not having to fetch coffee?
Also, is Dr. Gridlock an a**----, or what?
Gene Weingarten: Holy crap. I'm not going to touch this one with a fork.
Gene Weingarten: Gina defines the f-word (feminism) as the radical, inflammatory and arguably insupportable notion that women are equal to men. Me, too. Doc 'Lock seems to have his head up his butt on this one.
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Roo-roo?:
Hi Gene - I'm a relatively new reader of the chat and was wondering what "roo-roo" references. Is it an inside joke? Can you share it with new fans (or send us to a link if it's not printable by Post standards)?
Thanks! Gene Weingarten: Lizbeth, can we link to the past chat in which I explain the roo-roo joke?
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Dayton, Nev.:
Yes, I remember Shari Basner. She was a lot cuter than either one of us.
HH
Gene Weingarten: Well, I wrote a long story about her. She is still cute. Send me your email (not to this chat) and I'll send you a copy.
This is interesting.
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Silver Spring, Md.:
"Each week, we'll post a new reader-submittted illustration of Gene in the space above. Drawings only, please."
So, pseudo-Warhol photoshopping qualifies as "drawing?" washingtonpost.com:
Jealousy is such an ugly thing.
Gene Weingarten: Sad, really.
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Gene Weingarten: But wait, howard -- WHAT WAS THE DIRTY JOKE?
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Buzzard Point, Washington, D.C.:
OK, since the door has opened to jokes involving women, here's my favorite (though I feel benign) sexist joke:
Why is Helen Keller such a bad driver?
She's a woman.
Gene Weingarten: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
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Silver Spring, Md.:
Gene, I am he who asked Leiby when you were getting out of rehab, which set him up for the Demon Rum line. I assumed any regular readers of his and your chats would recognize this as part of his shtick (sp?). I am sorry that anyone took it seriously.
Gene Weingarten: No apology necessary. Bradlee is also on record suggesting the same. These people are all envious of me. I hear that Woodward makes nighttime runs to my garbage pail, dropping off Wolfschmidt vodka bottle empties, in the hopes someone will find them and further slander me.
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Fellow crazylegs:
Hi Gene and Liz,
This isn't all that funny but in the context of both last week's discussion on Terry Schiavo and Liz's RLS diagnosis, I had to share.
I also have RLS, and have had it for as long as I can remember (I'm 36 now) and while RLS can get worse during pregnancy, it was no worse for me during my most recent one, which ended in the delivery of my daughter last Thursday. RLS totally sucks and people who don't have it fail to understand how torturous it can be.
Anyway, I had my daughter via c-section, as I had done with my twins previously. This time, though, just as the spinal was kicking in, but had not made my legs fully numb, a raging flare of RLS sensation kicked in (no pun intended). So here I am lying on an operating table with the most burning desire to MOVE MY LEGS, but alas I cannot, no matter how much I transmit the signal to them to do so. It was at this time that I started begging the anaesthesiologist to please do something, anything to help me. He couldn't because anything he gave me would harm my as yet unborn baby. I started to cry because I was helpless to escape this torture.
So I flashed on Terry Schiavo -- here I was, trapped in a body that would not respond even though I was screaming for it to do so, and I suddenly realized yes, I can see how pleasant it would be, if I were in that situation "persistently" or permanently, to go off to a nice long sleep, even though I hadn't previously thought much about the issue.
Anyway, by the time I was done with this flash the spinal had kicked in and my RLS sensations were gone, just in time for my daughter to arrive a few minutes later. I anxiously await testing her response to peek a boo.
I will say that the thought of submitting this anecdote to your chat kept me distracted after her birth whilst my doctor put all my pieces back in place and stapled me shut with (shockingly)real metal staples. Gene Weingarten: I love this chat. I really do. I'd do it for nothing. No, Liz, that is not an offer.
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washingtonpost.com:
I'm on a slow connection. Can anyone help me out with finding the roo-roo chat?
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Melo, NS:
Did anyone find it amusing that in the Post Mag this weekend Michael Powell's face could be sandwiched in a pair of breasts on the opposite page?
This was more fun than hand puppets!!
Gene Weingarten: Noted.
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Caxsackie, N.Y.:
How's that for a place name?
Gene Weingarten: It;s better than that: COXsackie. I used to live around there.
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Washington, D.C.:
Are you allowed to drink alcohol? I thought you had a liver condition.
Gene Weingarten: I can drink in moderation. I am cured, but have a somewhat damaged liver.
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Silver Spring, Md.:
Is it true that Leiby has to give up his column because his parole was revoked on that Iraq smuggling rap?
Gene Weingarten: Please contact me offline and tell me where you heard this. It's um, untrue, of course.
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Denver, Colo.:
Gene, I've had Bruce Lee wings and they do kick a$$. You can find Bruce in the Cross Street Market in Federal Hill in Baltimore. They are truly the best wings i've ever had and I am a wing conossieur. I am also a woman who just realized I put my thong (not my panties) on inside out today.
Gene Weingarten: Okay, I am laughing here.
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I also chose the ho, OK:
From last week:
"The biggest downside would be I could not play catch with my grandkids"
You don't need two hands to play catch. Jim Abbott, who was born without a right hand, pitched in the major leagues in the early 90s, mostly with the Angels. He even threw a no-hitter. Gene Weingarten: True, but he learned to do this from the time he was a little kid.
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Sports c, AR:
Anybody who doesn't think they can buy more sports car than they can handle for under 35 grand hasn't strapped on a Honda S2000. Gene Weingarten: Yep, a hottie. My son had a job one summer where he got to jockey those around.
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Gene Weingarten: My son just told me the joke about why Helen Keller's dog ran away from home. I am laughing at that, too.
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Anonymous:
Last week I was Loopy Bubblebrains, which you liked, this week I am Pinky Wafflesquirt. What do you think?
Gene Weingarten: You traded down.
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Roo-Roo:
THE roo-roo chat? That is like saying "the one where we said something inappropriate." Just tell them to read the last five months of transcripts. washingtonpost.com:
Good point. You're on your own.
Gene Weingarten: C'mon, Lizzie. I told the joke once. Search for, um, lessee, "unpleasant." Or "tree"
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Washington, D.C.:
What IS it with columnists giving up the gossip beat at Wash Post anyway? Is Wash Post just not the right paper for a gossip column? Or is D.C. itself just too boring?
Gene Weingarten: I think it is more of the first. The Post is a difficult place to do gossip because it has Actual Standards.
Leiby sort of referenced this.
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Delray Beach, Fla.:
I'll bite: Why did Hellen Keller's dog run away from home?
Gene Weingarten: I can't tell it on this chat. Literally. It must be performed.
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Waitamin, UT:
You get PAID for this?!?
Man, if I didn't read this at work, I'd be indignant. washingtonpost.com:
That's right. Gene's a "paid date."
Gene Weingarten: Trust me, it's lunch money.
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Right here in D.C.:
With regards to your poll, there is no question but that I'd take the money for at least the weight gain and the registered sex offender thing. Why? Because how else would I get a $5 million no interest loan with no payments until I feel like it? With that kind of capital I could make a serious return on an investment and be in good shape when I got sick of the weight or social stigma. I wouldn’t go for the hook, though; after a while I would want my arm back. Gene Weingarten: Okay, I admit, this is a good point. But what if your investments soured, and you were on the "hook" to your benefactors? If you lost the weight, you'd be a deep financial doo-doo.
Gene Weingarten: Actually, I found the most interesting result of last week's poll to be the fact that twice as many women as men dropped out of the poll for the last question. That was the question about losing teeth, a hand, etc., for $5 mil.
I think women found the question silly, and felt they weren't gonna knock out no teeth for no amount of money, period. Men were more willing to engage in stupid hypotheticals on that one. It is just another reason why women are better.
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College Park, Md.:
I recently got into an argument with a woman coworker. Playing basketball (I am to basketball as to Gene's hair is to bald) I fumbled a pass and it hit me in the soft spot. Very painful. My legs went dead and tears came to my eyes. So I was laughing about that with a coworker who was also playing.
Anyway, a female coworker came in and said that men are such babies. We would never complain about that if we had to give birth. Now, this woman has NO CHILDREN! She has no idea if birth even hurts. For all she would know maybe it's just a ploy by other mothers to keep women from having babies thereby saving the best schools for their kids.
Is a childless mom allowed to use the birth trump card?
Gene Weingarten: Sorry, but yes. And it trumps everything. It trumps a royal flush in spades.
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Manassas, Va:
Response to Czech story: A pooicide!
Gene Weingarten: Excellent. I missed that.
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Gene Weingarten: Okay, the poll. You did pretty well. Clearly the two best cartoons are the Sistine Chapel one (which is funniest) and the Noah’s Ark one (which is cleverest.) You could go either way on which is one and which is two. I will not brook any discussion; this is clear. Third is the nickel tree, but it does not compete with one and two.
You correctly sussed out the allegedly offensive strip: It was the dog-cat one in “Brevity.” People apparently thought they were in flagrante. This is, in my estimation, idiocy. That’s not how animals do it, right? They were kissing. No foul.
On a related note, the line that the syndicate asked me to drop was in the first poem, the one about Guantanamo. Anyone care to guess what it was that worried them?
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Itsasmallworldafter, AL:
By coincidence, I actually ran into Woodward recently, in front of your house at 3 a.m. while I was dumping kiddie porn into your garbage can.
-- Bernstein
Gene Weingarten: Thank you.
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Inside O, UT:
Inside out thong...better than backwards.
Gene Weingarten: Indeed.
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Pittsburgh, Pa.:
Your wife sounds wonderful -- almost too good to be true. How did you meet? I love hearing how married folks met each other. I was surprised to learn, when I asked my parents how they met, that they had been set up by his mother and his mother's next door neighbor, who was a friend of my mother's mother. My mom came down to spend a few weeks with her mom's friend and my father was sent to the train station to pick her up. washingtonpost.com:
Fascinating.
Gene Weingarten: Liz is home. She is not feeling well. Clearly, she is ... dry.
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Eyes a Poppin', Fla.:
While in Florida last week, I was walking behind a woman who was wearing a white skirt. It was clear from the flesh tones visible through the skirt that she was wearing a white thong. I didn't think about it at the time (my mind was elsewhere), but what color thong should she have been wearing?
Gene Weingarten: See, I have learned the proper answer from chat women. If she was a white woman, she should have been wearing a tan thong. If she was a black woman, a black thong.
Wait a minute. Isn't the whole idea of a thong that you can't see anything???
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Washignton, D.C.:
I don't know this Dr. Gridlock person, but it seems to me that what he might have meant -- since this was in a discussion of giving up seats for women -- is that some women have made a point of saying "do not open a door for me or give up your seat on a bus, I'm not helpless just because I'm female, and for you to do that is condescending." I've seen men get chewed out for this over and over and over again when they offer a seat.
Actual Metro conversation:
GUY: "Would you like a seat?"
WOMAN: "Why, because I'm a woman and can't possibly stand up on my own?"
GUY: "Um... sorry?"
WOMAN: "Yes, you certainly are."
The way it was phrased in the Dr. Gridlock quote was clumsy, sure. But what he was referring to, in my opinion, was the idea that many women -- especially in the workplace -- do not want to be treated differently than men in ANY way, not just in the areas of pay and benefits, but in the areas of "chivalry" and manners that have gone out of favor as being sexist.
Gene Weingarten: Okay, agreed, let's give Griddie a break.
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Guantanamo:
It was the line about the sluts, wasn't it?
Gene Weingarten: Yes, very good.
My editor felt "slut" was perforce a pejorative word. We got into a long debate over what was wrong with it, since it is not, really a "dirty" word; it came down to the feminist question of whether ANY woman can be called a slut, regardless of her sexual behavior. My editor is a woman. It was a spirited discussion, which I would be happy to continue here.
Anyway, I agreed to change the line to "...and wiggled their butts," which kept the rhyme. That's the line the rest of the country saw. I had no problem with the change. It was an interesting linguistic debate.
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Thong, Song:
I am a woman -- a woman who hates wedgies. I cannot fathom why anyone would wear a thong regardless of the outfit. I'd rather go commando than have butt floss for a whole day! It just needed to be said.
Gene Weingarten: And thank you for saying it.
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Clearly, she is ... d,RY:
What, pray tell, dost thou mean by this, Weingarten? It's either what I think, which makes me a bad person for thinking it and you a worse for writing it, or it's not, which makes me a bad person, too, and stupid, also.
So - which is it?
Gene Weingarten: Is that what I wrote? Hm. Dry. I was making a joke about the dryness of her previous comment.
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Denver, CO:
Regarding my inside out thong. When I discovered what I did I thought to myself, "if I was a guy I'd probably wear it again tomorrow the right side out".
Gene Weingarten: Many years ago in Japan someone manufactured disposable undies that could be somehow rotated every day, so one pair would last a week. My guess is a lot more guys went for this than ladies.
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Pittsburgh, Pa.:
What's commando mean?
Gene Weingarten: No undies at all.
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Funny place names:
I'm one of the myriad twenty-something females who adore you, and I'm in Ireland studying for a semester. Last weekend I biked around a place called the Dingle Peninsula. Funny? (It also is the home of a dolphin named Fungie, if that helps.)
-Flunky Bananahead
Gene Weingarten: Sure, the Dingle Peninsula is funny.
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Moscow, Russia:
"The wild and crazy Czech brothers"???
This is pathetic. The wild and crazy guys were Slovaks. From Bratislava, to be exact. If they had been Czech, the joke would not have been nearly as funny --
Czechs are practically German. Slovaks are good, solid Central Europeans.
Gene Weingarten: To the best of my recollection, they were identified as The Czechoslovakian playboys. This was back when there were Czechoslovakians. But I see your point.
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Ellicott City, Md.:
The Japanese undies had 3 leg holes from what I remember (it was on Real People). That way you could get 6 days out of them.
Gene Weingarten: Man.
I mean, literally... Man.
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Public Service Announcement re: thongs:
If your thong is uncomfortable, it's too tight. It really shouldn't feel like Butt Floss. In fact, it should feel remarkably like going commando.
Gene Weingarten: Noted. We have now entered Underchat.
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Sleeping on the couch:
Well, I'm not a man, so I don't get it, but I DO love sleeping on the couch. During the day, though, not at night. What's forbidden about it?
Snotty Bananatush
Gene Weingarten: It is declasse. I am shocked to hear there is a woman devotee.
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Sluts:
Agree with your editor. That term is laden with silly judgments.
- a former slut
Gene Weingarten: Hahahahaha.
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Washington, D.C.:
Are you implying that Liz normally moderates your chats while partaking of alcoholic beverages?
Damn, I wish I had her job! washingtonpost.com:
You don't think I'd go pantsless sober, do you?
Gene Weingarten: Precisely. She is a cheap date, doo.
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Underch,AT:
So, Weingarten - boxers or briefs?
Gene Weingarten: Briefs. I don't understand boxers. Cant comprehend em at all.
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Anonymous:
Gene W.: She is also a highly skilled professional, which means she and I compete in salary, and she substantially outstrips me in stature.
===========================
So, how short ARE you?
Gene Weingarten: All you need to know is that my wife is five three.
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Boston, Mass.:
I'm not sure I like the new name generator. Since one must use the first letter of your first letter of your first name, and my siblings all have names that start with the same letter, we are all now named the same thing.... at least that makes us all Poopsie Monkey-Squirt(s), I can live with that.
Gene Weingarten: Yeah. But under the old system my son and I had the same name. No more. It evens out.
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Ellicott City, Md.:
I have successfully explained why briefs to women by using the bra analogy. Why wear one if you are not holding anything up?
Gene Weingarten: Precisely. It makes no sense. One day I shall write a monograph on the subject.
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Boxers vs. briefs:
Ok, I have officially learned too much about Gene. I will now be leaving this chat. Thank you for your time.
Gene Weingarten: Fortunately, it is time for all of us to go. I must mention that my editor, Tom the Butcher, will be submitting to a chat tomorrow at noon. Have no mercy. Thank you.
Later. And thanks.
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washingtonpost.com:
Ask The Post: Tom Shroder, (Live Online, Wednesday, Noon ET)
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Dingle Peninsu, LA:
We're known for our famous berries.
Gene Weingarten: Thank you.
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