Chatological Humor*
Gene Weingarten
Washington Post Staff Writer
Tuesday, November 23, 2004; Noon ET
*Formerly known as "Funny? You Should Ask."
Gene Weingarten's controversial humor column, Below the Beltway, appears every Sunday in the Washington Post Magazine. He aspires to someday become a National Treasure, but is currently more of a National Gag Novelty Item, like rubber dog poo.
He is online, at any rate, each Tuesday, to take your questions and abuse.
He'll chat about anything.
Submit your questions, comments and rants before or during the show.
Cast your vote early in
this week's poll.
Weingarten is the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death" and co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca.
Give Thanks: Spend a second hour Live Online today when Dave Barry joins us at 1 p.m. ET.
Editor's Note: washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control
over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.
Gene Weingarten: Good afternoon.
Some of you may have read that The Washington Post online has dropped Ted Rall’s political cartoons from its website. After months of heated reader complaints, the final straw was the Nov. 8 cartoon, which provoked a zitstorm of protest. It got yanked from the site so fast it left a sucking sound like that produced by a thousand dental spit-removal hoses, operating in tandem in front of an amp set to “11.”
I wanted to discuss this decision today at great length, with scientific, sociological precision, with many links back to the offending strip, and other edgy thing that Rall has drawn. Alas, I have been informed that, as far as The Washington Post is concerned, Ted Rall no longer exists NOR DID HE EVER EXIST. All memory of him has been expunged from the site. No links are to be permitted. In fact, I am not sure I quite recall his name, even at this moment.
I wish I were kidding, but I am not. And so, I am left to discuss this issue without visual aids. It is okay. Rall can’t draw for squat, anyway.
As many of you know, I generally spank the Post when they kill a comic on grounds of politics or taste. In this case, I feel they made the right decision, and it’s not even a close call. (Not the decision about this chat: it’s churlish and childish and silly not to allow links to this stuff for a serious discussion of its merits. I would hold Chatwoman responsible and flog her mercilessly, but the decision goes waaay higher than her.)
Ted Rall is a brilliant, angry man. For years his strips were brilliant, angry strips. Richard Thompson and I once judged the RFK awards for cartoonists, and chose Rall as cartoonist of the year, over Oliphant and others. He was that good.
But in the last few years, Ted’s anger has submerged his brilliance. His cartoons, particularly post-9/11, have been sputtering rants, often in grotesque taste. He got in trouble for a cartoon suggesting 9/11 widows were greedy whores, and another more recently calling Pat Tillman an idiot for giving up football to go to Iraq and, er, dying. In each of these cases, the sentiment was, perhaps, defensible as fair comment – but Ted delivered them at stunningly inopportune moments.
This last strip – the final straw – failed as a cartoon on every possible level. It was poisonous, and unfunny. Here it is:
Panel One:
Overline: The U.S. is like a classroom into which mentally handicapped children are “mainstreamed.”
(A mentally handicapped child, in a wheelchair, is saying “Erp.”)
The teacher is saying: “I expect everyone to treat Charlie like any other student. Now let’s take a look at the Pythagorean Theorem.”
Panel Two:
Overline: The special needs kids make people uncomfortable and slow the pace of learning.
Charlie: "Goomba goo! Four plus three!"
Teacher: "What’s that, Charlie? Yes, yes, we can go back to simple one-digit arithmetic."
--
Panel Three:
Overline: But they can’t help being the way they are. So smart kids make an effort to be nice.
Charlie: "Weh."
Smart kid: "What’s that, Charlie? You need me to help you go to the bathroom? Uh, ok."
--
Panel Four:
Overline: Now, however, that may change.
Teacher: "From now on, you have a new teacher: Charlie!"
(Charlie sits there, drooling.) A smart kid thinks: “Wait a minute…”
That’s it. Now, what is wrong with this strip? Well, to start with, it is toxic. It is making fun of the mentally disabled, to no discernible point. It isn’t funny. It isn’t even coherent. Is Charlie George W. Bush? Where is the parallel to the recent election? The KIDS didn’t choose Charlie to lead them, did they? Is this, in fact, a cartoon about “mainstreaming”? Then why does it compared the classroom to “The U.S.”?
So, are mental disabilities beyond the scope of parody? I don't think so. When the Onion had a mock expose saying “The Special Olympics are Fixed!” that was funny. It was not mean. It was making fun not of the mentally handicapped but of our fawning reverence for the Special Olympics.
This Rall cartoon is just poison. Pointless, humorless, stupid, mean, and unprintable. The Post was right.
Okay, then. Today’s poll is eclectic, and the only answer that will require any serious analysis is the last one. It actually is not unrelated to the Ted Rall Phenomenon.
The CPOWs were last week’s entire Get Fuzzy sequence, which I thought worked well. And the runners up, linked to below, are examples of political humor that ISN'T poisonous, and IS funny.
And lastly, no one go away after this chat. Dave Barry follows. I promise you he won’t be as pedantic as I am.
Let’s go.
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washingtonpost.com:
Comic Pick of The Week: Get Fuzzy
11/15 | 11/16 | 11/17 | 11/18 | 11/19 | 11/20
Runners-Up:
Non Sequitur, (Nov. 18)
Rhymes With Orange, (Nov. 23)
Drawing Complaints, Online and Off, (Post, Nov. 21)
Cast your vote in this week's poll.
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Speedway, IN:
So can the Flash type so fast that he could submit a question before anybody even referred to him in this chat?
Gene Weingarten: No.
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Sunny Arizona:
Gene, Gene, submitting this on time because I want to be first.
Gene Weingarten: Sorry, The Flash beat you.
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Washington, D.C.:
Have we lost the funny?
We've just come through a bitter election. I've read an essay recommending that the red states eject the blue states from the union, and another recommending that the North just let the South secede.
We just came out of one of the saddest sports weekends ever. I guess no one died in either brawl.
We live in fear of undefinable terror attacks.
Meetings in my department are getting more and more bitter. For that matter, meetings in my church are getting that way too.
Bill Cosby isn't telling jokes; he's telling people off.
It seems the list of things we can't joke about gets longer and longer.
Have we lost the funny?
Gene Weingarten: PLUS TED RALL.
PLUS DAVE BARRY'S COLUMN DISAPPEARING.
These are the End Times.
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Shady Grove, Md.:
Just a note, rather literally in passing....
I heard on Marketplace yesterday that Vic Sussman had passed on, and it seemed appropriate to have SOMEONE acknowledge it here at Live Online, since he founded the forum. Although his discussion was free-ranging, it was the closest thing to humor here prior to your schtick. So, thank you to Mr. Sussman for having made Wednesdays so enjoyable. RIP. washingtonpost.com:
Thanks for the kind words.
Vic Sussman Remembered, (Marketplace).
Gene Weingarten: Here you go.
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Newark, Del.:
I don’t understand why you asked conservatives not to read your column on Sunday. I found it quite amusing and encouraging, too.
Because as long as our opponents on the left persist in this illusion that they are all geniuses and we on the right are a bunch of morons, they are going to keep underestimating us and we are going to going to keep winning elections.
There is even some fellow -- I forget his name -- who thinks that the reason the mainstream news media is liberal because its members are “better informed.” I guess that’s what you call basing your “unbiased” reporting on forged documents and the easily discredited complaints of bitter lefty ex-bureaucrats.
We conservatives think our opponents are wrongheaded but we’ve never thought they were not clever, as least when it comes to political organizing and infighting.
washingtonpost.com:
Below the Beltway: Binding a Nation's Wounds, (Post Magazine, Nov. 21)
Gene Weingarten: I have received a lot of mail on this strip. Interestingly, it has broken down roughly, oh, 51-48 con versus pro.
Conservatives wrote in to say I am a whining loser, and a self-righteous imbecile. Liberals wrote in to say I am a refreshing voice of righteousness and reason. There was no middle ground.
I wrote most of them back to say that they BOTH seemed to have misinterpreted the column. That politics has become so incendiary that any effort at subtlty is lost. Can anyone suggest what I meant by that, and to what I was referring?
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Not Humoro, US:
I need you to clear up a humor debate for me, Gene. My father, who generally has a wonderful sense of humor, recently told me this dud:
A priest and a rabbi were sitting together having dinner. The priest says to the rabbi, "So tell me, rabbi, have you ever eaten pork?" And the rabbi hesitated and said, "Yes, once, when I was young and foolish, I ate some pork." And then the rabbi asks the priest, "So you tell ME, father, have you ever had sex?" And the priest hesitated and said, "Well, once, when I was young and before I was ordained, I did have sex." And the rabbi says, "Isn't it better than pork?"
After telling this joke to my mother and I and getting our less than appreciative reactions, he muttered something about it being a "guy thing." I would argue that its lameness has nothing to do with gender. Am I right about it being pretty unfunny, or am I completely off the mark? Gene Weingarten: As you tell it here, it is unfunny. But you are telling it awfully. It is a very funny joke. First, this joke is vastly helped by good timing and the use of a yiddish inflection (like the joke Eddie Murphy tells at the end of Coming to America, about the man who wants the waiter to taste his soup.) But more important, your punchline is slightly screwed up -- the relatively minor difference between your version and the correct version completely summarizes the nature of humor! There is a lesson here!
The whole key to humor is to have the punch of the punchline occur IN THE MIND OF THE LISTENER. It must be only partially explained in the joke, so the listener must REALIZE something, make an AHA! connection.
The punchline to this one should read, "So, Patrick. (long, pregnant pause) Was it better than pork?"
See the difference? It is small, and it is enormous.
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Capitol Hill, Washington, D.C.:
Doesn't spelling it "goopta" seem even more reacially insensitive? Or is this a "Led" Zeppelin situation. Actually this may be the least funny comic of the year (sharp eyes, Gene!), so what if the reincarnation department wants to wish him a happy birthday, what's so funny about that?
Gene Weingarten: No, there was actually some humor lurking in there. Not a happy birthday, many happy "returns." Har.
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Southern Maryland:
Gene, I see that The Post once again neglected to assign you to cover the annual Presidential Turkey Pardon. I liked the Lewinsky-era treatment that you proposed a while back in these chats.
But in fairness, Neely Tucker did incorporate some humor into the coverage: "So we will report with a straight face that the newly elected leader of the free world and the vice president of the United States strolled to the immaculately kept Rose Garden at the White House yesterday to look at a steroid-enhanced barnyard animal." Gene Weingarten: Liz, can we link to this story? I have read many great turkey pardon stories, but Neely's might have been the best. Let's just say the old Tuckster didn't waste a whole lot of time trying for something wholesome and uplifting and cute, for the kiddies.
I can't wait until Neely gets assigned the Easter Egg Roll.
washingtonpost.com: A Pardon With All the Trimmings, (Post, Nov. 18)
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Ooh La, LA:
Oowee! Did everyone see that big full-color ad in Sunday's paper of the luscious buxom babe with the low-cut camisole and the little boy-style briefs, whose butt cheek peeked out, just a little, ever so fetchingly from under them?
You would have if you read the KidsPost column on Sunday. There she was in all her half-page glory, directly under the column. Maybe the advertiser was encouraging young children to buy the ensemble for their mothers as a Christmas present. Gene Weingarten: Hahahaha. I missed this. I bet the advertiser wasn't too thrilled with the placement.
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Larrycurly, Mo.:
I missed last week's chat, but read the transcript and have an observation and a question for you.
Observation -- I am a guy, and I have also never been able to understand the apparently vast appeal of the Three Stooges. Although they admittedly had some funny, even inspired, moments of physical comedy, these could all be spliced together into a single film that would run maybe 10 minutes total. I've always been a big fan of the Marx Brothers, so I don't think it's a lack of a sense of humor on my part or a bias against older films. However, I was always a bit concerned about this and was relieved to see that you are similarly preplexed by their popularity.
Question -- What is a "courtesy flush?" (like I said, I'm a guy) Gene Weingarten: It is a flush to disguise other noises. It is a concept unknown to men.
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Middle of, Ky.:
OK, so women use their foot on the flusher in public restrooms, but are also known to use the "courtesy flush." Umm.... So my question is... Well, how exactly does that work? Gene Weingarten: Elbow, I am reliably informed.
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University Park, Md.:
About this week's poll:
Are you sure Thaves knows how to spell "Gupta"? washingtonpost.com:
This week's poll
Gene Weingarten: Well, no. That would be even more pathetic.
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Dave Barry's Retirement:
Gene, are you tempted to be even funnier than usual today, so that your former protege will find it harder to follow your chat with his own?
Gene Weingarten: Obviously not. You've been reading this dreary, pedantic mess, no?
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Redmond, Wash.:
Bill Gates gets four million pieces of e-mail per day -- AP story, (Nov. 19)
How do you compare? Gene Weingarten: I get four million just from Congolese widows seeking my assistance in recovering vast fortunes from dishonest bankers.
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Washington, D.C.:
I'm driving up to New York City tomorrow. Having done this before, I know that it will be a drive from hell. With me in the car are my born-and-bred New York husband (not the best driver out there) and our one-year-old child.
Please, give me something funny to think about so that this admittedly ill-conceived trip becomes ever so slightly less so.
Many thanks, and enjoy your holiday! Gene Weingarten: I can't. I'm sorry. I tried all the permutations. But there is nothing good anymore about that first sight of lower Manhattan from the New Jersey Turnpike.
However, this year my own Thanksgiving should be fairly hilarious. Every year for nearly ever, we have hosted a big dinner with close friends coming in from around the country. A big, sloppy, joyous time. But this year, for various reasons, we decided to forgo it and try for something as diametrically opposite as possible. And so we are meeting friends for a joyful, traditional Thanksgiving Chinese restaurant dinner in ... Atlantic City.
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Still here in Washington, D.C.:
So, last week I asked you if beauty was also objective. You answered; I argued; fun was had by all. I wanted to take a little more time to respond, though. You gave an answer that, if it has any shred of truth to it, totally destroys your own argument for why taste in food is objective. Basically, you said that beauty isn’t objective because, when starved for beautiful people, we will find the most attractive person present beautiful. I think it has been pretty well documented that, when people are starved for good food, a pbj sandwich with grape jelly soaked into moldy bread just could be the best meal of your life. I think that you have to admit that you were totally wrong on one count or the other.
Even though I think your reasoning was deeply flawed (and for more reasons than above), I think you ended up with the right answer about beauty. Here is my argument why:
A young man with classically beautiful features came up to me in the park not too long ago. He began to hit on me in a very serious and arrogant way. He got defense when I suggested his methods might be less than effective. It was absurd and hilarious. As he talked more and more and it became apparent that he had neither charm nor a sense of humor, he became more and more boring to look at.
Compare that to my nephew. He is three years old and has a variety of medical problems. His left ear is not located where it should be and he has a hole in his neck for breathing and one in his stomach for eating. He is lopsided and imperfect and when I look at him I am in awe that there could be so much beauty in this world.
Gene Weingarten: I find your first point intriguing, and right, and your second point even better. No response is necessary.
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Potomac:
Why?
Gene Weingarten: I believe you are confusing this with Wittgenstein's chat.
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Ted Rall:
Seems to me Charlie represents those red state people. Still not funny, though.
Gene Weingarten: So we have elected the red state people as president?
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Pedantic, AL:
For what it's worth, Pat Tillman went to Afghanistan, not Iraq. Yet he is just as dead.
Gene Weingarten: Ah, yes. Thank you.
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Brooklyn, N.Y.:
Gene,
I hope you'll answer this question, because I think you're
the only person who really can.
You've discussed here how tragedy can be addressed
humorously once a certain amount of time has passed.
With that said, why does it seem that the JFK assassination
seems to have a certain immunity from that? I'm 29,
didn't live thru JFK's administration, so I don't quite get it.
I'm not talking about the online game where the player
acts as Oswald, which I agree is pretty distasteful. But
still, most boomers I know (parents, etc.) still seem to
treat JFK assassination as untouchable, as the darkest day
in our history (well... maybe not since 9/11, but still).
Do you share that opinion? washingtonpost.com:
JFK Internet Game Assailed, (Post, Nov. 23)
Gene Weingarten: I do.
It is very simple. Plenty of people are still alive who remember JFK. Plenty of people are still alive who KNEW JFK. Ben Bradlee was one of his closest friends.
His DAUGHTER is still alive.
You don't see this?
And yes, that video game is beneath contempt.
An Abe Lincoln assassination video would be tasteless, but slightly above contempt. Oddly enough, a James Garfield assassination video (more recent than Lincoln) would probably be fairly cool.
So it is not just time. There are other factors.
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Location would be incriminating:
While reading your latest archived chats, specifically the bits about male and female behavior in public bathrooms, I asked my husband whether he let his pants touch the filthy floor. He told me the question was "undignified" and he wasn't going to answer it. Good grief. This from a man who's seen me in labor.
Is it just comically female of me to believe this is the sort of fact married people should feel safe divulging to each other, or to feel a bit hurt -- and uneasy -- that he wouldn't? Gene Weingarten: Not to belabor this, but it is preposterous to consider that anything can be "undignified" between two people who have engaged in sexual intercourse.
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Gambrills, Md:
After reading Berke Breathed's return to his excellent comic form this past Sunday, I longed for the 80's and 90's when the best comic writers were Breathed, Trudeau, and Watterson. Since 1987, I have kept a bound copy of "Calvin and Hobbes" in my bathroom magazine rack, and I just wanted to quote from Trudeau's forward:
"Most people who write comic dialogue for minors demonstrate surprisingly little feel for -- or faith in -- the original source material, that is, childhood, in all its unfettered and winsome glory. It is in this respect that Bill Watterson has proved as unusual as his feckless creations, Calvin and Hobbes. Watterson is the reporter who's gotten it right; childhood as it actually is."
Will we ever return to the time when the comics page was dominated by three such talents as Breathed, Watterson and Trudeau, all at the same time? Gene Weingarten: That was the Golden Age, and I fear not.
You are forgetting Larson.
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Maryland:
Good Afternoon,
While I love your column (even when it makes me feel like a bad person simply for being a Republican, albeit an educated one), I would like to point out that your view of "puritanical zeal" that only allows sex with pajamas on may be somewhat stereotypical and inaccurate.
In his book "Puritans at Play: Leisure and Recreation in Colonial New England," historian Bruce Daniels points out that "Rates of premarital conception, which had increased steadily but slowly over the seventeenth and early eighteenth centuries, shot up sharply after 1730, reaching a peak of 30 precent, the highest of any period in American history including all decades of the twentieth century." Daniels continues, writing that "One recent scholar argues that with premarital sex so prevalent, the late eighteenth century may have been the most 'free' period of sexuality in American history." (Both citations from page 140, should anyone care to look.)
So, there you have it. While the Puritans of early New England were strict, they were not strict enough to prevent a 30 percent premarital conception rate.
I would also like to respectfully point out that not all Republicans believe in such extremist ideals.
Thank you for your wonderful sense of humor that brightens both my Sundays and my Tuesdays. I look forward to both.
Gene Weingarten: Wow. This is fascinating.
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Mea, NY:
Regarding poll question 1:
Why must you be so quick to assume the worst in individuals? I don't think Thaves was trying to avoid claims of racial insensitivity by spelling "Gupta" "Goopta." Option D: Thaves was showing his incredible ignorance of the non-white Christian world around him by spelling it Goopta.
Gene Weingarten: I concede this was possible.
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Pittsburgh, Pa.:
For the woman who will be driving to NYC tomorrow - - can you take the train? When I lived in the D.C. area and my parents still lived in New Jersey, I took the train. No one should have to subject themselves to the I-95/N.J. Turnpike nightmare. I avoid it whenever I can and keep my sanity. washingtonpost.com:
Two word: Bar car.
Gene Weingarten: Two words: Air. plane.
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Regarding your column:
I took your "loss of subtlety" remark to refer to our sudden inability to see shades of gray among all screeching about more and more "I-see-only-black-and-white" issues.
BTW, I lean conservative, and I loved the column.
Gene Weingarten: Thank you. Mostly, what I was trying to say in my response is that this column was, surely, saying that the wrong side won. But it was more directly making fun of the apocalyptic paranoia of the left. No?
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Your City and State:
So, today's Boondocks (which I'd link to but I am hopelessly clueless about stuff like that) made me laugh out loud, but I can't say that I really "got" it. Were they just staring at their Gramps wondering if he was wearing Depends? Were they trying to tell him he SHOULD be wearing Depends? Or was there some other meaning that slipped right by me? And is this the source of great comics humor -- the mystery of not being sure you really get it?
And how come that was the only funny comic in today's paper? Has Thanksgiving dried up as a source of humor?
And do you have a good recipe for cornbread dressing, please? WITHOUT oysters? washingtonpost.com:
Boondocks, (Nov. 23)
Gene Weingarten: You are explaining why it wasn't a particularly good strip. He didn't spend the time to make it coherent.
As I said, today's Rhymes With Orange was good.
Gene Weingarten: Oh, and I believe my wife has a great cornbread recipe.
She is off today, but out doing errands. If she gets home before the chat is finished, I'll post it.
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Y Fly:
My wife refuses to discuss this with me, but I know that you will: Do any superheroes wear boxer shorts when fighting crime? Clark Kent probably wears boxers, but Superman obviously does not (or he would have wrinkles under his leotards.)And consider -- when Clark Kent changes into Superman, he would have to get totally naked in the phone booth because of the underwear change. The Flash is probably a bikini brief guy -- no nudity for costume change. Stretch goes for grippies -- he's okay. Wonder Woman, okay down below, but clearly a bra change up top for crime-fighting. So bikini underwear is more efficient, but much less debonair than boxers. Can we resolve this conflict? Gene Weingarten: There is no "conflict." Boxers make no sense in any context. You have made this plain, and you are right. Why are you bothering this chat by stating the obvious, and then seeking approval for your "insight"? You think we haven't anything better to do?
By the way, in researching the Wonder Woman portion of your "question," I found the link below, which pretty much wet-towel-in-the-face ended my curiosity about WW's undergarments.
washingtonpost.com: Umm... Wonder Woman
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Irony-free, Mont.:
I was so glad to see that Mark Trail believes thoughtless people who endanger wildlife with litter should be thrown in the garbage can or buried. He's a tough one, that Trail! washingtonpost.com:
Mark Trail, (Nov. 23)
Gene Weingarten: Mark Trail is an amazing strip. Please note the subtleties of perspective. See how close to the cage Mark and the woman are? See how small they look next to the bird? That bird has to be the size of a bungalow.
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Courtesy flush:
You gave the wrong description! It's actually a flush immediately after going #2, to minimize any odiferous impact. Gross, sorry.
Gene Weingarten: Two people, and Chatwoman, have made this point. It makes no sense. It makes no sense due to the properties of water.
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Arlington, Va.:
So, when I go to Buffalo tomorrow for Flightless Bird day, would it inappropriate for me to re-create the McKinley shooting?
Gene Weingarten: Yes, I was just recently discussing with David Von Drehle why no one remembers the McKinley shooting, even though it was forty years after the Lincoln shooting, and McKinley was a near-great president. We decided the reason is Teddy Roosevelt.
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Houston, Tex.:
I think Rall intends the special needs kid to represent not Bush, but the 51 percent of the electorate who voted for him. The "rest of the class" is Smart, Progressive America, who is now "subjected" to the whims of the special kid.
Stupid, toxic, poisonous, and unfunny.
Gene Weingarten: Precisely.
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Gene Weingarten: We interrupt this chat to announce that Dan Rather is stepping down. Commentary will be entertained.
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The Empress of The Style Invitational:
I didn't want to waste any millimeters of newsprint with this matter, so I will share it here, where space is boundless and, I would wager, more words appear in 60 minutes than in any other Washington Post chat:
This past Sunday, we awarded the first Anti-Invitational prize for an entry supplying exactly the opposite of what the contest asked for (in this case a real or imagined example of an evil or stupid business practice).
The award went to a suggestion that Virginia dollar stores raise their prices a half-cent: That way, with the 4.5 percent state sales tax, the bill would come to an even $1.05.
Swell plan! Except that its creator, one Russell W.W. Beland -- a Ph.D economist and a Virginia resident -- hadn’t gotten the news that the tax was raised to 5 percent in September. Unfortunately, neither had the Maryland-dwelling Empress.
washingtonpost.com:
Style Invitational, (Post, Nov. 21)
Gene Weingarten: I would like to commend The Empress for her thoroughness and her character, but would like to note that, in terms of seriousness of error, this ranks about 3,108th in the history of the Style Invitational. The MOST serious error has never been publicly disclosed, nor is it likely ever to be, until the death of the Czar.
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Okay, I'll ask:
What's a "gupta"?
Gene Weingarten: It is an Indian name.
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Airpla, NE:
You say Air. Plane. I say, how do I get my
seatmate to leave me alone? Last time, I tried
sleeping and woke up to discover my seatmate
(this would be a stranger) stroking the underside
of my leg. Help!
Gene Weingarten: Stroking the underside of your leg? I would say a good way to prevent that would be to punch him in the mouth.
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Washington, D.C.:
I'm a female foot-flushing, stall-peaking, hoverer, but I let my pants fall to my ankles. Does this make me less of a woman?
Gene Weingarten: I think it makes you a man.
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Alexandria, Va.:
I notice an overwhelming majority think that Bill Cosby is in on the joke that is Bill Cosby ranting. It sure doesn't seem to me like he sees any humor in the situation.
Gene Weingarten: Bill Cosby is a very, very smart and savvy and funny guy. Bill Cosby is in the catbird seat, and is loving it.
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Verys, HI:
Gene, in "I'm With Stupid," you say that you are "painfully shy to the point of disability," and that affects the way you deal with women. Me, too. I'm so shy that even thinking about the fact that a woman will see this question before it gets to you makes me nervous.
So, my question is, how does a fellow that shy attract the attention of a woman who looks (in your case) like Martha Stewart. I run into such women every day in my building, but the idea of approaching them makes me feel like a goofy 12-year-old again, instead of someone 15 years older. Gene Weingarten: Well, see, you are quoting me out of context. At that point in the book, Gina and I were discussing Fear. My point was that humans mold their personalities to be a denial of what they, deep down, fear the most. A redneck bigot, for example, doesn't really think he is better than others -- he is trying to avoid confronting the fact that he is a total loser, consigned to a marginal life because of his own deficiencies. I said that I was painfully shy -- I fear human contact and interaction being in the spotlight -- and so I chose a career in which I make a spectacle of myself as often and as publicly as possible.
So. The issue at hand is, what, exactly, are you most afraid of? How does your outward shyness mask something much more scary to you? What is it you cannot bear to confront? Figure that out and you will figure out how to get the chix.
Now, in my case, I cannot emphasize this enough: I have no idea how I managed to attract Martha Stewart. I will say that she has told me that when we first met (in our early 20s, years before we actually became a couple) she thought I was gay. So maybe that's it. MAYBE SHE WAS TRYING TO "CURE" ME. You might explore that avenue!
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California:
The Washington Gnats? Surely these small, annoying but basically harmless creatures shouldn't be saddled with representing the nation's capitol in the nation's pastime! Besides, it'll be WAY too hard to see the tiny little mascot! Gene Weingarten: I assure you, this name will be used in headlines whenever the team plays poorly.
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Springfield, Va.:
Gene,
Please ignore the previous post. I had "lazy finger" and inadvertently submitted while still typing.
I have two plausible theories regarding developments in "Sally Forth":
1. Ralph engineers a coup d'etat and replaces the new guy as vice president. Sally gets his old job, thereby preserving their old relationship.
2. Ralph lands a new job elsewhere and hires Sally to work for him after she gets fed up with the new guy.
This is much more fun than figuring out whom "Mark Trail" will be socking in the jaw next. Gene Weingarten: This was pretty predictable. In fact, I think I predicted it.
Tony is an evil guy. He will be out on his kiester. Ralph will return. This is now obvious.
I have to say this whole storyline has sort of revived a sagging strip. Unlike Cathy, whose impending marriage seems to be nothing more than pathetic extortion, to try to keep newspapers from dropping this moribund strip, at least until February 14.
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Washington, DC:
Is the Washington Nationals the dumbest team name MLB could have come up with? If not, what, exactly, would have been dumber? washingtonpost.com:
I can only think of one: Washington Baseball Team.
Gene Weingarten: A story today made it clear that this was a compromise: Bud Selig wanted The Senators, and Tony Williams wanted The Grays.
Like all compromises, it is wan and disappointing.
The Grays was a great name. No democratic committee type process will ever produce anything great. Creativity demands monarchy.
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Hypothetic, AL:
If I were an aardvark, I would open a strip club, advertise it as the only aardvark owned strip club, and have the slogan "Aardvark may have a double-a, but these girls have double D's." Gene Weingarten: Noted. This also reminds me of a question I have long wanted to raise. Gentlemen, can anyone out there explain to me, in terms that Chatwoman will not censor, the attraction of a double-D? Because this has always totally escaped me.
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Bay Area, Calif.:
Did you see this in Monday's Wall Street Journal? "Krispy Kreme Doughnuts Inc., battered by a deepening slowdown in sales of its glazed doughnuts..." BATTERED! ha!
(Submitted by a conservative reader living in a deep blue state.) Gene Weingarten: People, we must learn to relax. It is unnecessary to state one's political affiliation when submitting a post about Krispy Kreme donuts.
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New York:
So if you were a tree what kind of tree would you be? Gene Weingarten: A country.
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Lorton, Va.:
From last week:
"BR Behavior: What if the male SO
not only lets the pants hit the floor, but takes one
leg entirely off? I should be scared, I presume."
"Gene Weingarten: Uhhh. Um. Yeah, lady. You will
want to speak with a forensic psychologist."
More than she knows -- Taking one pants leg off
while sitting on the can originates in prison (or other
places where you're afraid of getting jumped) -- if
you don't, your feet are effectively tied together and
you can't fight or run.
How do I know this? I'm, um, well-read? Gene Weingarten: Wow! I hope this is true.
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Pat the Perfect, ME:
"Two people, and Chatwoman, have made this point." Two people AND Chatwoman? Liz, you must punish this nasty man for implying that you are less than human. I recommend the silent treatment. washingtonpost.com:
Yes. I noted that and added it to the growing list of slights. Maybe we should form a support group.
Gene Weingarten: I RECOMMEND THE SILENT TREATMENT, TOO!
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Properties of water?:
What in the world are you talking about? You think odor doesn't penetrate water? Is that why public restrooms always smell so great?
Gene Weingarten: There is also air in a public restroom. Alas.
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Arlington, Va.:
Regarding your Sunday column, you said "it was more directly making fun of the apocalyptic paranoia of the left. No?"
You were doing great, until the "thermonuclear" reference at the end. It suggested that the warmongering Bush administration would inevitably lead us all to an atomic holocaust. That's not mere leftie paranoia, that's flamingly (ha-ha!) accusatory.
Gene Weingarten: Um, that was the single MOST DIRECT jab at lefty apocalyptic mania.
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Washington, D.C.:
What's the deal with the post telling writers to write shorter stories? The article on friday made it sound like there were some big changes underway... is that true?
What really irks me is the quote about the news being "too dull." Good god, people! It's news!
Gene Weingarten: The funniest results of reader polls is when they say:
1. The newspaper is too dull; and,
2. They want more local news.
Hahahahaha.
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Double D fan:
I guess your wife was right.
Gene Weingarten: Hahahahahaha.
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YOUAREIGNORING, ME:
What do I have to do to get you to answer my question regarding Ben Stein? Is he your cousin? Why are you afraid of him? Does he know your secret? I have decided to hold my breath until I turn blue or until you answer me... do you think he is funny and are you surprised by his very conservative stance?
Gene Weingarten: I don't think Ben Stein is very funny at all. He has one shtick, and is lost without it.
I don't know much about his politics.
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Alexandria, Va.:
I've heard that Nationals, a rather un-exciting name, was chosen so that when someone buys the team they will be able to change the name, if they choose, without too much uprising.
Is Dan Rather really leaving? I've found no reference to this anywhere else.
I also don't see the attraction in double-D's. I prefer B's.
Gene Weingarten: Yes. Liz will post the link.
The logic of guys liking double Ds seems to me like the logic of saying "I like women's behinds. So I like them the size of dumpsters."
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washingtonpost.com:
Rather to Step Down in March, (AP)
Gene Weingarten: Here ya go.
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depends:
There's a commercial on TV for Depends. The boys turn and look, silent. Their turning and looking at their grandfather, and their silent wondering, and his pause and explosion all make this funny, but the timing is key. Linger on the second panel and it needs no explanation. Not to get all touchy-feely, but be there in the room with them and it works fine.
Gene Weingarten: Eh.
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For Airpla, NE:
One possibly effective response is to say, in a voice loud enough to carry to most of the rest of the cabin, "Why are you touching my leg? I don't even know you!" The reaction from someone who has counted on your embarrassment as their protection from exposure can be priceless.
Gene Weingarten: I endorse this.
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Lansing, Mich.:
Was Ben Stein the guy in Ferris Bueller? Whatever.
Gene Weingarten: Yes, he was. His first "big break." He never broke that schtick.
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Washington, D.C.:
I too used to be painfully shy, especially around the opposite sex - not that I'm the "it" woman now... BUT! Some of the best advice I ever received was to talk to all members of the opposite sex as if there was NO chance they'd be interested in you romantically, but that they of course enjoy you tremendously as a friend. (it's a bit of a split personality thing to do I realize) Obviously you have to know when to turn this off if things do get more friendly. But it's nice to leave it on for a good long while.
Gene Weingarten: Aww, here is a nice answer to the guy's question.
Thank you. I never think of the nice answers.
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On The Razor's Edge:
Mean Gene.... it seems like nearly every time I shave my face, the one place I really cut myself just happens to be at the very side of my mouth. Even when the bleeding is done, the little cut makes it look like I'm a slob of a man who missed his mouth and is too cro-magnon to use a napkin. Since I know of no one else who ever has that problem, what am I doing wrong that no one else is?
Even if I ignore that spot, my girlfriend pretty much cuts me off from any more stimulating activity. Any facial hair would pretty much have me out on my behind. And an electric razor just doesn't get it done. Aiyee! Gene Weingarten: Believe it or not, in two weeks, I address just this issue in my column. I disclose something very painful about myself.
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Don't Hate, ME:
Re: Washington Nationals
My co-workers and I were discussing the inevitability that the baseball team name would be shortened to the Nats in due time and were quite amused by the idea of a stadium full of people yelling “Go Nats,” which, let’s face it, sounds a whole lot like gonads.
Just curious, do you think this is the upstanding image the District of Columbia was going for?
Gene Weingarten: Hm. An interesting point.
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Lansing, Mich.:
My (ex-)brother-in-law once got very drunk and explained to me why he liked my sister's B-cup breasts so much:
"Because they'll always be RIGHT HERE," he said, pointing to his chest.
That's one advantage over the Ds, I suppose. As and Bs don't travel. Gene Weingarten: Well, I suppose that is my point.
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Gina's fear:
So what was Gina's greatest fear?
Gene Weingarten: Gina's recurring nightmare was dying in a plane because the pilot was incompetent. My recurring nightmare was being at the controls of a plane and being unable to fly it. It was one of the more stunning moments in the book. We each had to prove to the other that what we said was true: We'd each written about it, previously.
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DD Land:
As I woman I also don't get the DD+ fascination. As a result, I recently had my own ah "reduced" to a small C (I wanted a B but the dr. left me a little bigger). Much better.
I still flush with my foot and the thought of letting my pants drop to the floor is revolting, so I think I'm still all woman with the smaller bra.
Gene Weingarten: Oh, definitely. Bra size is irrelevant for womanhood. You can quote me. Gina disagrees.
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Big De, AL:
Big whoop Rather is stepping down. Ted Koppel actually works while he is on air.
Rather and his ilk are merely good readers. I'm a good reader, too, and I can do that for the networks. I will only charge them 1 million dollars per year.
Gene Weingarten: Actually, that is not true. The old time anchors like rather pretty much directed the broadcasts.
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Gene Weingarten: As to the poll results: I find it intriguing, and heartening, that virtually all conservatives find something comical about Bush.
This is the single most heartening poll result I have seen, anywhere, in a long time.
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Must be too young to know this one:
I don't know what the word 'goopta' means (either spelling). Actually, I'm going to take this as a positive sign that maybe my generation is doing away with offensive language or slang. washingtonpost.com:
It's a name -- like Dr. Sanjay Gupta, the CNN consultant/anchor.
Gene Weingarten: Precisely.
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Mr. PR:
By the side comment in your Mr. PR story, I take it neither of your books are best sellers. For the amount of work it takes to write a book, was it worth it? I enjoyed both, so I hope so, but I often wonder if the huge amount of effort for most authors is worth it to them afterward.
Of course, you got to flirt with Gina, so it might have been worth it just there.
Gene Weingarten: Flirting with Gina was a big part of it.
Yes, writing a book is worth it. Very, very few books wind up earning the author more money than he is paid as an advance, and you are a fool if you go into writing a book expecting to get rich.
I had a lot of fun writing both, I am proud of both, and only mildly and occasionally suicidal that neither was a bestseller. I hold all of you responsible.
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Great Mills, Md.:
"The MOST serious error has never been publicly disclosed, nor is it likely ever to be, until the death of the Czar."
So does this mean that when the Czar dies, you'll be able to tell us? You definitely have my curiosity now.
Gene Weingarten: Yes, I will disclose it after the Czar dies.
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Lansing, Mich.:
Wait a minute. Gina really thinks bra size is RELEVANT? Where does that leave those of us with A cups?
Maybe this is why I don't flush with my foot.
Gene Weingarten: Gina is slightly dismissive of "shrimpy little women."
I am quite the opposite. Between us, we love all women.
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Pillo, WY:
How can I put this the right way - I have, over the course of my adult life, dated every letter of the alphabet, including doubles. The lady with double Ds had severe back problems. The lady with double As had severe self-esteem problems. The most well-adjusted woman I ever dated was the C cup.
I guess therein lies the happy middle ground between back problems and self esteem?
Gene Weingarten: I don't think you OR I dare discuss this as experts.
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Laurel, Md.:
Doesn't today's poll show that people who lean conservative have, on average, a better sense of humor than people who lean liberal?
Gene Weingarten: It suggests that liberals lose their sense of humor when the subject is current politics. It is simply a fact that the fact that George W. Bush is president of the United States is a total hoot.
Yes, yes, there are tragic elements, but you cannot deny the comic.
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Dan Rather:
I'll start. This is a sad, sad day for humor. As with the 80's and the golden age of comic strips, the Dan Rather standard of bizarre, unintentional humor on evening newcasts will never be matched.
Gene Weingarten: It's true. A total wack job, in a position generally held by avuncular Men.
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Senses of humor:
There is no question that some people simply don't have a sense of humor. But do you think that someone could permanently lose his sense of humor? This question occured to me when I was watching Celebrity Poker Showdown with Dennis Rodman, who clearly has no sense of humor. But do you think he was born that way, or he became that way after years of being worshipped and fawned over and having gobs of money thrown at him, no matter what he did?
Gene Weingarten: I have come to believe that our senses of humor are pretty much in place by our adolescence. Which is why so much of it -- stripped of pretense -- is adolescent.
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Leisure World, Md.:
The grandfather in "Pickles" reminds me of you, maybe 20 years into the future.
Gene Weingarten: Others have made this point.
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Corn Bread Dressing :
Make a pan of corn bread, you can buy the mix or do it from scratch.
From the mix all you have to do is add and egg and milk to the mixture and stir. If you do it from scratch it is just corn meal, baking soda, an egg and some milk. Bake it at about 400. Make sure you butter pan so the stuff does not stick.
While that is cooking chop up celery a sweet onion and about three cloves of garlic.
Put a stick of butter in a pan, melt it. Then put in the garlic celery and onion. Add salt pepper and poultry spices. Cook until most of the butter has evaporated and the onions are clear. Do not brown.
Corn bread should be done by now. Take out of pan and crumble into bowl. Add celery onion garlic mixture. MIX Add 3 cups of turkey stock, this can come from a can if you don’t have a turkey. And is totally unnecessary if you are stuffing this inside of the turkey. MIX
Taste, to see if you need to add salt. Then add one beaten egg over mixture. MIX
Put back into baking pan used for cornbread, don’t forget to rebutter pan. And bake until the top is crispy, at lease 20 min at 350 or so.
Gene Weingarten: Oh, good. My wife just came homeand said that she doesn;t recommend cornbread stuffing because it is almost impossible to keep in moist enough. She recommends leek and wild mushroom stuffing, which can be found online from Gourmet.
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Kenneth:
Now it can be told -- I'm on 117.075 MHz.
Gene Weingarten: Hahahahahahaha.
Thanks for the frequency. And thanks for the chat. Okay, Dave is in place and ready to go. Be merciless. He can take it.
See you all next week.
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washingtonpost.com:
Dave Barry, Live Online right now.
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Baltimore, Md.:
In the Seinfeld episode with Terry Hatcher (they're real and they're spectacular), Elaine asks Jerry, "I thought you were a leg man." Jerry's response, "I have legs."
Gene Weingarten: That's nice.
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