Washingtonpost.com: Live Online

Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.

Appearing every Wednesday, Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ® offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 30-something repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that’s about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.

The transcript follows.

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Arlington, Va.: Met a girl, like her, great chemistry. She has a bf. I want to date her. She has indicated, subtly, that she wants out of her relationship. She has also made gentle overtures -- as have I -- that she is interested in me. Would it be cool to hang out with her to see if things develop, or should I just stay away even if she ends things with her bf?

Carolyn Hax: I can see why you'd want to stay away from someone who needs to have a new guy lined up before she'll leave the old guy, but I don't understand why you'd want to avoid her if she does end things with the bf.

New York, N.Y.: Hi Carolyn.

My fiancee and I (both vegetarians) had a similar problem to Ed's in today's column. We ended up offering several menu choices (including red meat) after I convinced him we should compromise with my parents since we're not paying for the wedding. My parents aren't the "power play" type but neither my fiancee nor I are very happy with the decision. Do you think parents should have more say if they're paying? Thanks and congrats on the twins!

Carolyn Hax: Thanks. I think that, yes, the people who pay get more say, but I also think everyone involved with something so personal as a wedding should sign a legally binding statement that they won't use their say on ridiculous things. Do the people insisting that meat-eaters MUST have meat really believe that carnivores have steak three meals a day?

New York, N.Y.: I'm a gay woman in an almost six-year relationship. For five of the last six years, we lived in different cities and the distance was problematic, leading us to break up a couple of times. During one of those breakups, she very briefly (one month) dated someone else. It ended badly and haven't spoken since. Soon after, she and I reconciled and she told me about the brief relationship. I was OK with it.

So cut to four years later, and we're living together and contemplating a future. Things between us have been so-so, until a couple of weeks ago, when she seemed to have worked through whatever reluctance she had to settle down and now is very much committed to the relationship. We are happy. Except (and you know there's a but here), now I find out that part of the reason that helped her decide to finally commit to me was that she unexpectedly saw this woman she briefly dated, one day while walking around the city. The woman saw her, too, and ignored her. Also, the woman apparently was not as attractive as she had been four years ago.

Girlfriend says that seeing her that day helped her let go of "something" that she'd been holding onto regarding this woman. Like there was some hope in her that they would re-unite or something. Now, I am very freaked out by this. I knew she liked this woman, but I had no idea that she'd somehow been nursing a flame for four years. And that this was holding her back to committing to me? I feel very much like the second best at this point. I know she chose me in the end, but now I have this knowledge that for all this time, she's also been thinking of this other woman.

I want to talk to her about this, but I'm unsure how to approach it. I don't want to make her defensive about it, because I can't know what was going on in her head, but also I really wish I didn't know this information. It's making me re-live the last four years and everything she's said and done and see it new through the filter of this woman's presence in my girlfriend's fantasies. Help!

Carolyn Hax: Well wait a minute. You're taking one "something," which leaves cavernous room for interpretation, and filling it in with the most upsetting scenario possible. I can think of about 20 different ways your gf could have been liberated by seeing this ex, including variations on the theme of: the ex made her feel like [bleep] somehow, and she has carried that icky feeling around, and when she saw that the ex wasn't all that, she realized the ex's opinion of her didn't really mean anything.

This is just an example, obviously, and may have nothign to do with what really happened. I'm throwing it out there, though, so you'll at least open your mind to the possibility that there's a benign explanation there. Doing that should calm you down enough to see that the only way to resolve this is to let your gf explain, and the best way to make her feel comfortable (ie, non-defensive) doing that is to assure her that you're approaching it with an open mind.

Cowardice or Stalking?: Carolyn,

Would love input from you and the gallery on this issue. A friend of mine told me that her friend was interested in me and asked if it were okay for him to call me. "Sure" I said. We hung out a few times and went on a couple dates, but it was just not doing anything for me. We had never done anything physical, beyond a good night kiss. He is very honest and sometimes too bold for his own good -- he would e-mail me and tell me he wanted to sleep with me. I explained that I was not interested in that, and should he wish to continue to e-mail/correspond with me, he'd have to stop broaching that subject. Well he didn't, so I told him very clearly to stop calling and e-mailing me. Fast foward about eight months and our mutual friend is now married and he's on his own again. He has been calling my home -- I have caller ID -- but he hasn't been leaving messages. Where does this cross the line from cowardice (for not leaving messages that I will not return anyway) to outright harrassment/stalking? Any suggestions on how to handle this? Many Thanks!

Carolyn Hax: First of all, in general, anyone who has questions re annoyance vs harassment should talk to the police, if only FYI. Too many violent endings have begun with a question like yours for anyone to take even mild harassment lightly.

PSAs aside, though, you're already doing the right thing here--not talking his calls. I would also start writing down the dates and times of his calls and save any e-mails, just in case the unwanted attention escalates and you do need to call the police.

I'm blushing: I'm blushing even as I write this, but it's becoming a problem (online only please).

My husband is concerned with the size of his, umm, well you know. He thinks it's smallish, I guess. He keeps asking me if I think it's small. We have a great sex life, so I keep deflecting the question by complimenting him in other ways. Anyway for the last year or so, EVERY TIME we have sex he asks me that question. No matter how compliment him. I'm getting really tired of dealing with it. Should I just come out and so, "yeah, it might be, but it works great, so who cares?" But, I read/heard somewhere that you should NEVER tell a guy he's got a small one. I honestly think we have a great sex life and I'm fully satisfied. Why isn't that obvious proof enough for him that the size doesn't matter? He doesn't exhibit this kind of insecurity in any other area of our relationship, in fact, except for this one thing, he's a pretty confident person. How do I get him to put this question to rest?

Carolyn Hax: Uh. Say no?

Black and White and Read All Over: Carolyn,

Do you think your way of looking at things has become more black and white over the years? From reading the archives, it sort of seems that way, although maybe you have reversed course a tiny bit since becoming a mother (you probably don't see it!)

Can you tell me what are the advantages to looking at things this way? I want to see the other side (I am a gray gal myself), because so many people I respect (mother, boyfriend) have this either-or perspective most of the time, yet I see it as sort of harmful because it means you have to close yourself to what-ifs ... Or, in my view, it means a more close-minded view of the world.

And finally, do you think two people can make a relationship work even if one sees the world almost all in gray, and the other is strictly black and white? I know a lot of people grow more B & W as they get older, but I reeeaaallly hope I never do, so coming around to the same perspective is not likely. I want us to work but I don't want to fool myself and find out there's no way five years into marraige.

Thanks.

Carolyn Hax: No no, thank you for the carefully couched insult.

I think I've become less B&W over the years, if anything, and I think most people do the same. Just check out the activism on college campuses for a great example. But hey, you're entitled to see what you like. (Oh, how gray of me!)

Re your question: Do you like this person, or not? Staring at navel lint is also a way to see gray, and not exactly the most productive.

A Cube: OK, Hax, I've just been laid off from a job that I worked hard to get and to excell in. I'm still breathing but I feel as though my life is over. Next stop: cardboard box.

I have a family to support and one of them needs regular medical care and medications. No job, no health insurance, no salary. Help.

Carolyn Hax: Keep breathing, please, life is not over. It just got a lot more complicated than you ever thought it would be, and in that you have a -lot- of company these days.

The layoff left you with access to your benefits for a while, I assume? And when they cease, you can probably extend them with COBRA by paying your company's premiums yourself--talk to your benefits dept. now to find out when and how to do the paperwork.

That means the real issue is finding the money to pay for the premiums, which is tough but at least it's only one simple, direct problem, vs. a twisty and scary one like health insurance. That means getting out there, even if it's a job that only fills the gaps. A pride hit, obviously, but, again, you've got a lot of company. Good luck.

East Coast: Hi Carolyn -- Happy summer!

I have a co-worker who has lost her brother in a tragic accident. She's recently returned from three weeks off she took after his death and seems to be doing well; the rest of us in her office are doing our best to support her and be there for her. But there is one woman here who, if the subject arises, drones on and on about how he (the brother who died) has been "chosen," how we should be grateful God took him, how we should recognize how "special" that is -- you get the idea. Our poor friend completely falls apart behind closed doors after hearing stuff like this. I don't shun peoples' religious/divine beliefs but I believe that to say something like that is incredibly tacky and comes off as insensitive. What, if anything, would be appropriate to say to "the offender" to get her to lay off without sounding like I'm denouncing her personal beliefs? It's obvious to everyone else that it would be easier on our friend if she didn't have to hear these things. Thank you!

Carolyn Hax: Oh that's awful. "I know you mean well, but I think your words are upsetting X."

Windy City: I need advice about getting back in touch with someone or not. This is someone I dated a couple of years ago. It was not very serious, but a relationship that affected me nonetheless. We haven't spoken since I politely asked him to stop calling and flaking out on me. For whatever reason, I have begun to think about him again....a lot. How long is too long and how can I tell if this feeling (to get back in touch) is something that will pass?

Carolyn Hax: From back to front: Wait a while to see if it passes; there is no "too long"; why are you calling someone who has a history of "flaking out" on you and had to be told to stop calling? Sounds like a dubious idea to me, so I strongly sugegst waiting a while. Not all itches need to be scratched.

Washington, D.C.: Carolyn --

Just curious -- is your Wednesday column in the Post always going to be a rehash of these chat sessions from two years back, or are you planning on taking on three columns a week if the twins allow you the time?

washingtonpost.com: Answered in the May 9 transcript. -- Lisa

Carolyn Hax: Short version, third col returns in July.

Carolyn Hax: Twins to be auctioned off June 30.

Caller-ID stalker: She needs to, just once, pick up the phone when she sees it's him, and tell him in no uncertain terms that any further contact is unwelcome. Telling the cops/keeping records is fine, but he really needs to hear this from her. Just once. Then if he continues the contact, she can escalate the punishment.

I've been there and done it. Turns out that my non-answering just fueled his imagination of my desire for him. When I told him to buzz off, he did.

washingtonpost.com: Carolyn, have you recommended "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker in a while?

Carolyn Hax: I'm not sure re GOF, but it never hurts, thanks.

Re picking up--I understood from the question that he had already been given the no-uncertain-terms treatment. If in fact there is some room for him to believe his attention is wanted, then I agree that she should pick up once and make it CLEAR that it is not. If she already has done the equivalent, though, then picking up would send him the message that if he calls 20 more times, she'll pick up again.

This is where GOF is helpful. Very good on this. Thanks guys.

Somewhere, USA: Carolyn I need your input desperately. I am a 30-year-old woman, married for five years to the man of my dreams, my college sweetheart, and he has recently decided he wants a divorce. He had an affair with a younger (21) woman and admitted to me that he told her he wanted a relationship with her but that she was not interested in anything serious. He still wants to leave me. He says that the fact that he fell in love with and had such serious feelings for someone else means that he is not ready to be married. Well, like I said we've already BEEN married five years, and I think I deserve a decent effort from him, specifically coming to a marriage counselor with me so we can work this out. Him, he doesn't even want to try at this point. What's the next step here? Everything is so out of my control.

Carolyn Hax: Sigh. I'm sorry.

I see your point about wanting him to try, but if he doesn't want to, your continued urging will not only be fruitless, but also compound your feelings of helplessness. Instead, I'd start concentrating on the things you can control--meaning, your life after him.

It might not be something you want, at all, and you might not even be able to envision this life yet, which is scary as hell. But you can envision this afternoon, and this weekend, and maybe even next week, so concentrate on those. Start doing things that will make you feel better. A good place to start would be things you used to like but that you lost touch with during your marriage. Everyone gives up something when two lives merge, so I'm sure you'll turn up at least one good memory, even if you have trouble recalling it at first.

Don't be freaked, either, by the length of the taking-things-day-by-day phase. It can last a while. Just commit yourself to it, stay as loose as possible through the ups and downs, take -great- care of yourself, and you'll get through. Promise.

For Cube: The person who was laid off can also look into his/her state's medical insurance programs, like Medicaid or Children's Health Insurance Program, which are designed to be a safety net, particularly for people with significant health needs.

Carolyn Hax: Great, thank you.

Reaction to Pregnancy: Hi Carolyn --

Can you or any of the peanuts relate to this?

I'm about halfway into my first pregnancy and although I'm very happy about it, seem to be paralyzed about thinking -beyond- it. I've done no planning, bought nothing, don't even know where to start. For a while I was using the "it's too early to be sure" excuse but I suspect I can't use that much longer. I have a very demanding (but probably supportive) job which tires me out, which is my other excuse. I read about all these moms to be painting nurseries, buying layettes, etc., and I have no interest. Thoughts?

Carolyn Hax: That the sooner you learn not to beat yourself up and/or compare yourself to other mothers, the happier you'll be with the whole process. You're fine, you're fine. Newborn babies need warm things, diapers and love. Mazel tov.

Every Batman has a Robin: Love the chats, including Lisa's participation. Do you guys fight crime in your off hours?

Carolyn Hax: Yes. We ask criminals how their misdeeds make them feel.

New England: Hello Carolyn!

I am in my mid-twenties and haven't dated much in the past. I have spent most of my time running from romantic relationships. Now, after much soul-searching and therapy I have realized why I do this and what I need to do to stop it.

Here's the weird part. I want to 'field test' it. I want to go out, and date. Not necessarily to meet someone serious, or have a relationship, just to say "look someone can find you attractive, you can go to dinner with them and not freak out". So, I want to go into this fairly lightly, and just.. DATE. Is it wrong that I am looking at this as a step in a greater process to being ok with me? I feel like that part of my life has been stifled by fear. I also am concerned that perhaps I could hurt someone if I am going on a date just for ME to be more secure in the process, rather than for the guy. I guess, I just want to know, I won't run if I meet the right person. I hope this makes sense. What do you think?

Carolyn Hax: I think there's no law that says you have to be of a certain commitment-ready mindset to date "fair." Everyone brings his own agenda to the process. Just don't misrepresent yourself or lead others on and you'll be fine.

For Cube: Don't rule out working at places like Starbucks, etc. if state insurance option are not enough. There's no shame in keeping your loved ones cared for when they need it. My dad's union job gave me health benies during my childhood that have served me well into adulthood...

Carolyn Hax: There's no shame in any honest work, is there? Easier said than done, obviously, but a great core value.

Washington DC: Wait, Lisa has time to produce chats, be a supermodel, AND fight crime?

Wow.

Carolyn Hax: AND she knits like a dream. I am speechless in her presence.

West Coast: Hi Carolyn. I need some advice from you and the nuts regarding one of my closest friends. We have been friends for 15 years (we are now in our early 30s). I am happily married and expecting my first child; my friend is single but would very much like to marry and have a family. Most of our mutual friends are married and have already started their families. Our friendship never became strained when I married -- she and my husband get along great -- but now that I am pregnant she seems to be avoiding me. She did not react that positively to the news, and later acknowledged that my pregnancy is hard for her because she wants children so badly. I totally understand and support her; I would probably feel the same way if I were in her shoes. However, I had been planning to ask her to be present at the birth and to be the baby's godmother, but now I am wondering whether that is appropriate, if she is not very excited about the baby. I know you are probably going to tell me to TALK TO HER which I know I should but how do I bring up such a touchy subject? I can't just blurt out "it makes me sad that my pregnancy is hurting you and I worry that you won't love the baby because of it." Or can I? I truly love my friend like a sister so this has been tough. Thanks for your advice.

Carolyn Hax: Actually, my first advisory impulse was to suggest you back off a little and give her time to get used to your news. It's not that she's not excited about the baby, it's that the news brought on painful feelings in her. Bummer--you always hope friends will set stuff like that aside and be happy for you--but, okay, she's human, it happens. Points to her for acknowledging her true feelings.

Plus, I think the thing you've considered blurting--"... and I worry that you won't love the baby because of it"--would be an unqualified disaster. Just as your baby is not about her, her sadness is not about you or your baby! Aaagh. Friend sad, show concern for friend. Yes?

You started out okay with "it makes me sad that my pregnancy is hurting you." Follow it up with, "If it's okay with you, I'll just follow your lead on talking about it" and then let her set the tone.

Madras, India: Hi Carolyn,

I desperately need your help. My girlfriend of seven years is in India doing her residency in pediatrics. The issue is that she's so depressed over here that she's pushed me away. It's gotten to the point where she thinks "we" will never happen. I know this is a reaction to her being alone without any friends or family near her. Her father pushed her to be a doctor and that's the main reason why she doesn't tell him how she feels. I have all the patience in the world for her and whatever she asks of me, I will do it. But how can I get her to be honest with not only herself but her father as well? She honestly doesn't see herself pursuing her career in medicine so why does she have to make herself suffer?

Carolyn Hax: I don't know. Because she's not ready to take the step necessary to stop the suffering?

You can't make her ready, either. Just make it clear you're there for her, and wish her luck on her (solo) inner journey.

Carolyn Hax: I forgot to mention, I'm auditioning for Hallmark today.

For Cube: I want to also suggest that Cube check out local food assistance programs. People often think of "getting handouts" as a last resort, but when you're suddenly strapped for cash, it can make a huge difference to be able to use your grocery budget for other things, even for just a month or two. My organization, America's Second Harvest, has seen a huge rise in the number of "working poor" seeking food assistance.

If Cube is in D.C., check out DC Central Kitchen at http://www.dccentralkitchen.org or the Capital Area Food Bank at http://www.capitalareafoodbank.org. And there's a directory of all our affiliates at
http://www.secondharvest.org/foodbanks/foodbanks.html

Good luck.

Carolyn Hax: Such nice people here in Readerland. Thanks.

Re: Pregnancy: Being Jewish, we did nothing for the nursery, buying anything, whatever before the baby was born -- except for the crib, which we had to buy for logistical reasons, but we stored it at my in-laws' house. Everything else we bought after the baby was born (realistically, we were adding on to our house before the baby was born and he was early, but we wouldn't have done anything special to the room until after he was born either). So don't worry about it! Your husband can buy a carseat while you're in the hospital and a bassinet, some clothes and some diapers and you'll be fine for a while. Don't sweat it!

Carolyn Hax: Ooh, forgot the car seat. Thanks.

Philly, Pa.: For the pregnant woman with the non-preggers friend: Please don't ask her to be present at the birth. Why people want to populate the delivery room with non-essential folks is beyond me! I'm telling ya, the last thing I wanna see is a good friend's legs splayed wide open. Too Much Information!

Carolyn Hax: No argument here.

Reading, United Kingdom: I'm a 27-year-old living in the UK. My ex-girlfriend from the states is travelling with her friend to Europe and spending a few days with me. We parted on very good terms, but decided not to date while I was overseas. However, I've been missing her a lot since I've been over here. But, I just found out she's dating her high school boyfriend. Is there any point in telling her that I still have feelings, or should I just enjoy the time I get to spend with her as a friend?

Carolyn Hax: Call it when you see it. If you're open to whatever signals she's giving off, I think you'll be able to answer your own question.

Santa Monica, Calif.: Carolyn,

I met my bf five years ago. At the time I had low self esteem, didn't like myself very much and was in financial trouble. He saw something in me and was very nice to me -- always a good word and he was always glad to see me. Even though he didn't know me too well he loaned me money to get my financial life in order and he never tried to take advantage. The only time he would criticise me was when I put myself down. Eventually he got me to go into counseling and I like myself much better. We started dating about six months ago but I am realizing we don't have that much in common except that we enjoy each other's company. He recently ask me to marry him and my heart says yes but if I marry him I want things to work out. I know you can't tell me what to do but could you give me some advice.

Carolyn Hax: Tell him the same thing you just told us, but in different words: You may have known each other five years, but six months of dating isn't enough. You need to get past the sense of owing him something before you can make a solid decision on marriage. The question I'd want to keep in mind is, do I love the way he is with me, or do I love the way we are together?

Alexandria, Va.: Are you the kind of person that would read these chats if you didn't host them?

Carolyn Hax: Idunno, they're awfully slow.

Centreville, Va.: Is it too early for wedding ettiquette questions? I'm getting married in November. I asked my brother to be in the wedding party along with his new fiancee. Well, they had just gotten engaged as well and were very young and long story short -- their relationship is pretty much over. She and I aren't particularly close so if they do end up breaking up it's a foregone conclusion that she won't be in my wedding. But what to do about my brother/the whole in my side of the wedding party? I've been to weddings where the extra guy was an usher, but I feel bad "demoting" my brother for something that's not really his fault. On the other hand I don't want to do what some people I know do when a bridesmaid craps out -- pull in a replacement bridesmaid at the last minute. TACkY!

Carolyn Hax: Can you hear me screaming from here? The church will NOT COLLAPSE if the two sides of the wedding party are uneven.

Washington, D.C.: Hi, I have been invited to a former boyfriend's engagement party. We are still friends, and his fiance is very nice, but I am uncomfortable and don't want to go. We dated for more than a year, and were never marriage minded, so it isn't envy that gives me pause. I would feel out of place. I don't want to hurt his feelings and would be grateful for your advice on how to handle this with manners and grace.

Carolyn Hax: "I'm sorry, I won't be able to come." Etiquette is quite forgiving on the whole issue of refusing invitations, since all you have to do is express regret and explain no further.

Or, you can go and see for yourself that your being there won't be a big deal, though you should probably trust your gut.

Weterville, Ohio: Hey Carolyn:

The chick from the Sunday column with the 9-month-old child who wants another kid by her boyfriend with whom she has been for a year. For a minute there I thought I was in the Jerry Springer Column. Where do you get these specimens?

Carolyn Hax: Petri dish. I grow them in my basement.

Following up: I'm the one who wrote in last week about being randomly irritated. Just wanted to say "thank you" to you, Carolyn, and to those who responded with suggestions as to what might be the cause.

I have a doctor's appointment in early June, and am looking forward to the results.

Thanks again!

Carolyn Hax: You're welcome! Thanks for checking back in.

Washington, D.C.: Great relationship with guy, but it's friendship, not romantic. He hints constantly that when he resolves certain things in his life, gets things in order, I am the one for him. I really dig him, but, really, how long is too long to wait? No other men are rocking my boat at the moment, by the way. Could be because I am with said guy 24/7.

Carolyn Hax: Any waiting is too much waiting, methinks. Live your life, see where it takes you. If it takes you next to him 24/7, platonically, and you prefer this to not being with him 24/7, then I wouldn't worry about it.

Arlington, Va.: Dear Carolyn,

I met a guy a few weeks ago. We went out on a date a couple weeks later but I haven't seen him since. The date went well and I think we both had a good time. But now, I can't tell if he's interested in me as just a friend or something else. Although he calls me on a regular basis, I've only seen him that one time. I've suggested getting together but his life has been really busy these days. I am going to try to be a little more patient until things calm down, but how do I find out what his intentions are with me? If he just wants to be friends, that's ok because he seems to be a really nice guy. But, I'm interested in him in a more than friendly way. How do I find out what he's thinking without scaring him? Thanks!

Carolyn Hax: You're scaring me a little. One date + many calls = still not really knowing the guy, so I think the intentions issue is premature for both of you. I'd just roll with it until you either go out again (and again and again) or you get sick of talking on the phone and rolling with it.

Ithaca, N.Y.: Hi, Carolyn,

Please tell me if I'm being petty: I'm graduating from college this weekend and my parents and grandparents are driving cross-country for the ceremony on Sunday morning. The convocation is on Saturday afternoon (4 p.m.), followed by a parents'/family/graduates reception, to which my family was invited and for which I RSVP'd, because my parents said they'd like to attend. However, my mom called me yesterday to say that her best friend has a lake house two hours from here and invited them (my parents) to spend the day with her on Saturday and have dinner that night. My parents accepted the invitation and have decided to take my grandparents along, too, meaning that no one will be able to go to the reception with me (I was invited to spend the day with my mom's friend, but I'd rather do graduation-oriented things, since I've worked so long to get to this point!) I understand that I can't really change my parents' mind -- if they want to hang out with my mom's friend, that's their decision -- but do I have the right to feel a little hurt by their decision?

Carolyn Hax: Sure, and I think you should tell them you're hurt by their decision (now, not after the fact). They may have no idea that the pre-game stuff is important to you. Even if they do, it's better to have it out there.

Oh, and congratulations!

Rockville, Md.: Okay, personal question. Hhow much does childbirth hurt, really? I can't seem to get a straight answer out of people. Does an epidural help very much? I have a very low pain tolerance, and am scared to death of childbirth.

Carolyn Hax: I don't think you can get a straight answer, since it's different for everybody.

And I'm not sure I want to give a straight answer, since it is kinda personal, and I already take enough **** here for this latest turn of life events. Maybe in a separate forum, where I won't have to hear that I'm now soft/missing things/a completely different person/only capable of talking about diapers now that I'm a mom. Or touchier about taking ****.

How's this--it is so much bigger than the pain. Yes, it's scary, but if you want kids the pain is beside the point. Think of the wussiest woman you know. If she has kids, there's your answer.

Not a fluff question: Hi there,

A co-worker has confided to me that she's scared of her husband, he's extremely jealous and has said stuff like "I'm not afraid to go to jail." They also have a toddler who she's scared for. She comes home from work and takes her child up to the bedroom and closes the door so neither of them have to be around husband.

She knows she has to do something but is afraid he'll do something crazy. How can I help her? I've heard people here mention The Gift of Fear but is that for someone in her situation too? I'm really worried but not close enough to her to shake her, say "get out of there fast," and have her stay with me while she gets things in order. Please help. Thanks.

Carolyn Hax: 1-800-799-SAFE, have her call it right now, oh boy oh boy. Please. Gift of Fear is 100s of pages, and this is an emergency. Immediate intervention by trained professionals necessary.

Anywhere, USA: Hi Carlolyn,

I've been married a little less than a year to someone I dated for several years. During our dating and engagement periods, were were always able to resolve conflict like mature adults. Since we got married, all of those good communication skills have flown out the window. We can't discuss anything we don't agree on without him telling me to F--- off and storming out of the room. When he's in a bad mood (which is often), he yells at me, yells at the dog -- and I'm worried he'll do the same thing to our kids. The few people I've told this to are worried that this will escalate into abuse. I want to bring up going to a family councelor, but I'm scared to broach the topic. Any suggestions?

Carolyn Hax: You go--the number I just posted can refer you to someone--and develop a plan of action with him/her. Take care.

Baltimore, Md.: Carolyn:

Why are you so opposed to online dating? It is unthinkable to not use a fax to send something in seconds, or to call FedEx and have a package delivered to Germany in 24 hours. Is technology only for the office? Despite such advances, are we expected to just sit back and hope "Mr./Ms. Right" just happens to wander across our path? I say this because I am now married to the kind of man most women can only dream about. Yes, we met online. And yes, it took a number of dates to find him. But with our different schedules, we never would have "accidentally found each other." I shudder to think of the people who may be listening to your bias and missing out on someone who is absolutely fantastic.

washingtonpost.com: FYI, the rationale is discussed at great length in the May 9 transcript. -- Lisa.

Carolyn Hax: Thanks, Lis.

Gotta run ... literally this time ... though technically it's waddle, creak and limp. Thanks everybody (except the person who called me bitter--I'm actually quite happy but mean, big difference), have a great weekend and type to you next week.

washingtonpost.com:

That wraps up today's show. Thanks to everyone who joined the discussion.

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