Washingtonpost.com: Live Online

Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.

Appearing every Wednesday, Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ® offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 30-something repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that’s about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.

The transcript follows.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

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Silver Spring, Md.: The question is when in a relationship is it appropriate to admit you are a virgin? I'm asking as an older female -- about to turn 30 (older as far as the average virgin).

I don't want to make it a big deal; I haven't been "saving myself" or anything like that. Just been dealing with a lot of self-esteem and body image issues that prevented any level of intimacy. I've been through therapy and am on meds and feel confident about getting into a physical relationship. But I am self-concious about my complete lack of experience which is going to be pretty darn obvious.

So do I say something and sound like this matters more to me than it really does, or just keep quiet and let him figure it out?

Carolyn Hax: Say something when you feel comfortable talking about the reasons, which ideally will be a comfortable distance after your first date and a comfortable distance before you have sex. It's emotional intimacy you're after, and when you find it with someone, the virgin thing won't be that big a deal.

Carolyn Hax: Sorry guys--just finished an answer and hit "reset" sted ""submit," so I'll be starting over. Cue the obnoxious on-hold music.

East Coast: Hi. I have a close girl friend who is extremely smitten with another close guy friend (actually, the two of them have been friends for many years). I guess this is a variant on the same question you get all the time about friends dating. Anyway, my girl friend is really into this guy and incessantly talks about wishing he'd open his eyes and discover that she's the one for him. He loves women of all kinds and likes to flirt and I know that he throws lots of compliments and stuff her way, but he also recently told me that he would never date her and thinks it wouldn't be a good idea. (We're more than a decade out of college, if that helps.)

She is continuing to pine but won't confront him directly about her feelings. So he feels that it would be presunptuous to tell her that he's not interested when she hasn't even asked him. Should I actively discourage her, or even tip her off to his lack of interest, next time this comes up? It is a major topic of conversation.

Carolyn Hax: Ugh. You know way too much here, and I feel for you. See, if you tip her off, she'll know she was being talked about by you two, and in an unflattering way, which is humiliating. If you don't tip her off and she finds out you knew, she'll feel like the last to know, which is humiliating. If you don't tip her off and she never finds anything out, she will keep throwing herself at someone who doesn't want her. Humiliating.

Of course the reason this is all so humiliating is that she has chosen to treat it as some kind of big embarrassing high school secret, when she should just embrace her feelings, whether they're reciprocated or not, and talk to him.

But since she won't, the best things you can do, in order of priority, are to: 1. shame the guy out of flirting with her when he -knows- she's desperate for him. I mean really. How cruel can you get. 2. Suggest she either talk to him or move on, becasue she's torturing everyone.

Anywhere, USA: How do you politely tell a friend to stop e-mailing you pictures of her kid? I can see e-mailing everyone in your address book the especially cute ones (birthday, Halloween, etc.), but I don't really need five or six new pictures everyday. Is there some polite way to say, thanks, but no thanks?

Carolyn Hax: 1. Say your dialup connection chokes on them.
2. Say nothing and delete them.
3. "Wow, they've really grown since yesterday."

Washington, D.C.: About to go to my five-year college reunion, having just decided to quit grad school and change my entire life plan. No new life plan exactly in the works yet. Will I be the only one there afraid I've wasted these five years?

Carolyn Hax: Oh brother.

Sorry.

No, you won't be the only one afraid of that. But you haven't wasted five years, you've spent five years figuring out that you needed a new life plan. Some people sink in 20 before they get to that point--and even they shouldn't be embarrassed, because all that says is they needed those 20 years to figure themselves out. You needed only five! Wow. Life is long. Stuff happens for a reason. Relax.

Boise, Idaho: My boyfriend has an evil ex. They have a 3-year-old together and she lives in Portland, Ore. -- and has custody. When we visited his family last month we arranged to pick up his son for the day. She pretended not to be home-we didn't see him the whole time we were there (it's about an eight-hour drive away); she also only lets him speak to his son when her boyfriend isn't there and when she is in a good mood. I do not understand this as I don't have children of my own. We are all in our early 20s. I can't help but be mad for him but he doesn't seem angry; he just says he is used to it and that is how she is. I don't know what to do. Should I stay out of it because he is not my child or try to do something for my boyfriend?

Carolyn Hax: Stay out of it because the kid is better off without the acrimony you could potentially stir up between his parents. I'd feel better about this if I had some sense that your BF was looking out for the kid's well being, if indeed the ex-GF is nuts, but I also know I'm getting only the new GF's side of the story, which is not only hearsay but biased. (Ex may be evil, but your dude saw fit to be with her, remember.) So, I guess the best thing you could do is ask your BF if there's any reason he should be worried about the kid, and, if not, ask if there's anything you can do to help the situation in general, and, if not, stay out of it.

John Lennon Got it Right: Besides, as John Lennon said, "Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans."

Carolyn Hax: Yeah, what he said.

Washington, D.C.: I'm getting married in September. I just found out that my older brother and his wife are getting a divorce. I really like my SIL and want her to be at the wedding. My mom says no way -- it would be disloyal to my brother, stir up bad feelings, blah blah blah. Can't we be grownups for someone else's sake? Or am I naive? Or is there a compromise I'm missing?

Carolyn Hax: Have you talked to your brother yet?

Los Angeles, Calif.: Hi Carolyn and the peanut gallery!

I have a small dilemma. I am madly in "like" with my nighbor across the hall. I mean the face feel warm, heart beating, think about him all the time, yearn to speak to him, just being near him makes me happy (the whole nine yards -- I feel like I'm 13) and very sensitive to what he says (so bad that I sometimes can't speak to him so I WRITE a note).

Despite all the drama I have to say that I really like him as a person. He has already told me I'm not his type. So I'm trying to be cool since I don't know many people and want to be his friend (no other option).

Sorry for the rambling. I can't figure out if I have a childish crush, am in love or just going crazy. It can't be lust since it's not a super sexual thing (doesn't make sense).

What would you do? Should I leave him alone? Really hard since I have to force myself to stay away from him. Or ignore it in hopes it goes away (three months still strong)?

Thanks.

Carolyn Hax: "Not his type"? What a pukey rejection. Tell him that people who date types aren;t your type.

Gr.

Live your life and -expect- the crush to go away. Something physiological like that, with the racy pulse and hot face, always passes.

Sunny California (actually, kind of rainy today): An update on me, the one who couldn't find motivation a few weeks ago: I finally got my butt off of the couch and into counselling, and, whaddya know, I am depressed. And have been for ages. Thanks to the peanut who suggested that.

Carolyn Hax: You're welcome on his/her behalf, and yay from me. What you did takes guts.

Friend Who Needs Therapy: Hi Carolyn,

I laughed when I saw Wednesday's column because it was a reprint of my question from two years ago about whetber or not I should tell my friend to get therapy. I never told her to go talk to someone else and sometimes I feel bad about it, but I'm still doing the avoiding thing and have made other friends and do not see her very often anymore. I did see her today and it was the same old stuff. We are graduating and going out into the real world in two weeks and all she had to say was that she was going to get the job from hell, there is no such thing as a worthwhile job, and by the way college wasn't that great either. Do you think that there are people out there who just are incapable of happiness because they derive a large part of their identity from being miserable? Thoughts?

Carolyn Hax: Always!

I do agree, in a way. I don't think they're incapable of happiness so much as afraid of it. When a person gets her hopes up about something, she runs the risk of being let down; to some people that's the same thing as looking stupid. So, they just play Eeyore and that way the world never tells them any bad news they didn't already know.

I also think there are people who complain all the time because they can't figure out what else to say. Almost a shyness thing.

Rockville, Md.: For Not-His-Type in L.A.: Maybe by saying she's not his type he is trying to tell her he's gay. Just as pukey (because why wouldn't he just -tell- her), but maybe less painful.

Carolyn Hax: Good point, thanks.

Central Casting: In fairness, sometimes "You're not my type" is a bumbling person's way of saying something mildly nicer than "I don't find you attractive at all."

Not that it's necessarily the best rejection line, but it's better than a lot of others I've heard.

On another note, why do people find it so hard to realize that everybody in the world won't be attracted to you and that's not a bad thing? I'm quite glad that Kid Rock isn't attracted to me.

washingtonpost.com: Thank heaven for small favors. -- Lisa.

Carolyn Hax: Wait. How do you KNOW Kid Rock isn't attracted to you?

Washington, D.C.: Hey Carolyn:

There this girl in my office and I want to ask her out.

No beating around the bush here Carolyn.

She's white and I'm black. And we get along in social events with the office, but I so badly want to ask her out. But, I'm afraid of not just the rejection but the emotional affects of being rejected because I'm black.

Carolyn Hax: Then just assume any rejection will be personality based. If she doesn't like you, it's your personality. If she doesn't like your skin color, it's hers.

Southern City: My boyfriend proposed to me this weekend and I happily said yes. We told his family; they were ecstatic for us. I told my family and they were lukewarm at best. I have known that my family is not overly enamored of my boyfriend. I attribute it to a classic case of "nothing's good enough for our girl." This makes me a little sad, though -- a lot sad in fact, that they can't be happier for me/about my choice. We've been together two years, we're both adults and we're at our best when we're together. My question is how do I approach this with my boyfriend? His parents and family are full of excitement, while mine are not. I don't want to say anything to him that I will regret saying later but at the same time he's the person I share everything with. He's not an idiot -- he knows that my family is not super enthused about him, but when he asks what my mother said when I told her, should I really tell him she said she wished that she could be happier for me, but couldn't because she just doesn't understand the appeal? I don't want to lie, but I don't want to have that negativity out there more than it needs to be. I guess my question is how much detail is too much?

Carolyn Hax: Any. The more you tell him the more resentment he'll have to overcome to make nicey for the rest of your lives. Plus, you'll be setting your family up to be hated (and to be angry at you) if you pass along things to your fiance that they may feel they told you in confidence. He already knows they're lukewarm so honesty has played its role. Now, you need diplomacy. Anything (short of lying) that will help along the resignation/acceptance process.

From a mother: I’ve had a rather stressful year and a half. I moved back home away from friends, broke off an engagement, found out I was pregnant, stayed single for many months, tried to reconcile right before baby was born, got a job promotion that equaled office turmoil, had a beautiful baby, broke off relationship again when I realized that he was drinking, stealing, and lying, and bought a house. On the outside, I’m doing well. And looking back at what has happened, I’m doing relatively well emotionally. But there are times that I am so sad. Especially when I think about my daughter and how I feel like she doesn’t know me as well as she knows the person who watches her 40+ hours a week. I feel like such a horrible mother. The other night I finally started bawling, which I needed to do. But I cry on my own time. I really don’t know how to express my feelings with others. I did see a counselor last year through most of my pregnancy, but my budget is much tighter. How do I do this?

Carolyn Hax: Find some way to talk to other mothers. I would specify other working mothers, but 1. I think every mother secretly thinks she's a horrible mother, and 2. I have faith that a stay-home mom wouldn't stoop to making you feel more like xxxx than you already do about having to work full-time.

About those 40 hours--no, it's not ideal, but it happens, and it's not like you don't want to be with your kid. Trust that she will sense that, that it will come through.

Last thing, counseling. It doesn't always cost a fortune (assuming you can spare the time). Talk to the person you were seeing about lower-cost options. And, if you're losing it, just pay the extra money.

Please help!: I'm getting the impression that my best girlfriend wants to ask me if it's okay for her to ask my ex-husband to donate sperm to her. Her eggs are getting old and she's a workaholic who doesn't have time to find an unattached man on her own I suppose.

Every guy she's ever dated she's met through me (us) and now she wants to have a half sibling to my kids! The bigger problem is that he might be into the idea and I'd have absolutely no control over it. The idea makes me sick with jealousy and I can't put my finger on why. It's not like I want him back.

Carolyn Hax: Tell her she's on her own.

Carolyn Hax: That'll give you an I-love-my-job moment, huh?

Want to get over it.: How do you get over someone's past when they keep shoving it in your face?

Carolyn Hax: You find someone who doesn't shove things in your face.

Washington, D.C.: Carolyn,

This is not a dig, but an honest question. How often do you write an answer that contains no qualifiers when in your head you're really thinking: "Boy, that's tough. Maybe s/he should really just tell them and see what happens. I'm just not sure."

Your advice is great but sometimes what you write sounds certain when the situation seems uncertain.

Just curious. Love the chats.

Carolyn Hax: Thanks, and thanks for asking. If I'm uncertain, I try to say so. I do worry that speed kills some of the nuances, which is why do three cols a week but only one chat.

To Southern City: Say something along the lines of:

"My parents were happy to hear how happy I was."

"My parents hope we will be very happy together."

Hopefully all true if not enthusiastic. One hopes the parents what their child to be happy.

Carolyn Hax: Righto. He will see right through it, but it's something to say. Thanks.

40 hours away from child: Why is it you never hear fathers say they regret being away from their child? We women need to stop beating up on ourselves. WE are not the problem, we're just used to doing everything, which men either can't or won't do. Just do the best you can and hopefully get some help from friends and relatives so you can have a little more free time with your child. This mother guilt trip thing is WAY out of hand. Focus on how much you love your child and how you need each other.

Carolyn Hax: Reassuring, thanks, but not all dads deserve the shots.

Yikes U: Hi Carolyn. So I goofed big time a couple months ago by getting very drunk and having sex with a guy I didn't even like and was disgusted to wake up next to. Now he is constantly tracking me down on campus, asking what I'm up to, calling me, etc. I have told mutual friends that I don't like him but apparently he hasn't gotten the idea, even after I repeatedly "miss" his calls and "forget" to call him back. I would feel mean just saying, "I don't ever want to talk to you again," mostly because of the mutual friends and how uncomfortable it would be.

Carolyn Hax: You don't tell mutual friends, you tell him. "I'm sorry, I made a mistake, I'm not interested in a relationship."

Washington, D.C.: Hi Carolyn,

I love the column, but what is the point of the Wednesday edition if it just going to be reprints of on-line chats? This seems to be the pattern as of late. I know you have two boys now, but why not just pull the Wednesday edition?

Carolyn Hax: Because not everyone reads the online chats, so it's new to a lot of people. Since others have asked: The Wednesday reprints are my compromise maternity leave. As you may have noticed, the column never stopped running after the babies came. In exchange for my preserving the continuity, I'm writing two a week instead of three until the end of June.

Washington, DC: Hi Carolyn,

Just a question about the overly talkative guy in your column today - could it be he has ADD? I just learned that a lot of my social behaviors (interrupting - a lot - and then spacing out when people tell me about themselves - not pretty, I know), might actually be a sign of adult ADD. I still need to check it out with my therapist, but it's a thought for him. He might want to read "Driven to Distraction," and there are also tests online.

Carolyn Hax: Howdy. It's worth a look, thanks.

Maryland: Carolyn: I want to ask a girl to the prom, but I don't really know how to dance. The one time I went to a dance, I was told I looked like a dork. But I don't want to miss my prom either and it's coming up soon. Advice for a left-footed dork?

Carolyn Hax: Ask someone, and warn her you dance like a dork. It'll be endearing. I can't think of too many people who'd want their dancing videotaped, if that makes you feel any better.

Empty nest: My sister and I are four years apart. As a result, I graduated from college the same year she graduated from high school. This fall, I moved into my own place and she moved into the dorm, and our parents became empty nesters. And they're driving each other nuts. My mom has been dealing with this OK, but my dad has become really sad lately. Not clinically depressed, but I think he just doesn't know what to do with himself these days. He and my mom both work, so it's not like their days aren't busy, but they just aren't as busy as they used to be. He's active--he likes to exercise and he has friends and a few hobbies. I try to go home a lot (I'm in the same town) and visit and call and do all that stuff. But he's still so sad that my sister and I aren't home anymore, and he's really not dealing with the transition well. I just got a new job that will require me to move a bit further away (we're talking 50 miles maximum), and he just barely managed to congratulate me, because he was so disappointed I'd be further away. I understand it's hard for parents to let their kids grow up, but it's gotten to the point where my sister and I feel guilty for growing up and that's not fair. What should I do?

Carolyn Hax: Tell him that you love him and that it's gotten to the point where you and your sister feel guilty for growing up and that's not fair. You have got to find a way to stop getting sucked into their problems, and being honest strikes me as the most compassionate one.

This Chat Sucks: When it comes to your family I am sure you would not have such a "TOUGH LOVE" approach. Would you do the things you suggest readers do to your children or would you deal with them?

Carolyn Hax: Then Why Are You Here: I never recommend anything I wouldn't do, and try very hard to follow my own advice.

Ypsilanti, Mich.: Carolyn,

I just wanted to update you on my situation. I wrote in about having broken up with my boyfriend about two years ago and had asked how to get over him. You suggested finding things I like to do on my own. Well, I did just that and after a few months the ex and I started talking again. Fast forward to today: we have been married a year and are expecting our first child at the end of July. I'm glad I listened and stepped back, it made us both realize how much we missed and needed each other. Thanks!

Carolyn Hax: No no, thank you!

Beantown, Mass.: Sit down for this one, truth is stranger than fiction. Husband and I together for nine years, married for four. Was with him since I was 21 -- literally "grew up" in the relationship. We had conflict in 2002 -- how much I worked, how much I looked up to others instead of him, etc., deference issues. I began intense friendship (NOT physical) with male friend/confidante; he began five-month affair with bar waitress who he met on one of his many sports trips, and who is now pregnant. I learned this in March when he blurted it out at a restaurant. We separated (his call) thereafter.

I want to work on things -- we both hurt each other but we should at least try to see if we can make things work before divorcing. He feels as if there is too much to deal with and that he needs to deal with other "moving parts" -- his job, this pregnancy -- before he can commit to working on the relationship. He has also been verbally abusive since the separation (yelling, name calling, blaming me for creating an environment so that he would cheat, telling me that he is ambivalent about us) and going out of town on sports trips every weekend to "clear his head."

I am 30, no kids, good job -- everyone is telling me to close this chapter and move on. I am holding out for hope. I feel that Iif I am willing to work, shouldn't he? From experience, how do you know when enough is enough to move on? Also, how do you rebuild to find love again?

Carolyn Hax: You are willing to work, and that's great, but what he "should" do is irrelevant. He either works or he doesn't, that's all you have. As for when you know enough is enough, there's no rule. It's just what makes sense to you at the time. Now, it makes sense for you to try. After a certain amount of fruitless effort, it will make sense for you to quit trying.

Also, as you get used to the idea of having your marriage end, you might not feel such a strong need to patch it up again, abuse and barmaids be damned. I think the shock of so big and final a change triggers a preservation reflex that makes you want to hold onto the status quo no matter how bad it may have become. I also think that shock passes, and that's when you hear people say how relieved they are, or that they feel sad but also sure it was all for the best.

Boston, Mass.: Carolyn --

What if you have a man who has done bad things -- lied, denied he had girlfriend when you met him, bragged about cheating. Occasionally you point these things out when he asks what reasons I have not to trust him. So, does he leave me because I shove things in his face or am I justified?

Fed up

Carolyn Hax: Why are you with him if you're so freaked out that you're shoving things in his face? Either find a way to trust him, or move on.

"Missed Calls": I'm a guy who has been on both sides of the "missed call" scenario. Thankfully, I learned in college that avoiding things like that is much worse than just saying. Sorry, it was a mistake and its not going to happen again.

Do everyone, including yourself a favor and learn to reject a person. Rejection IS better than slowly figuring out your being dissed and dumped.

My opinion.

Carolyn Hax: Excellent opinion. Should be law.

Arlington, Va.: I have a horribly superficial question that I'm embarrassed to ask, but here goes. Met a guy online, was totally charmed, talked on the phone for hours, and met him for the first time this week. I still think he's awesome, funny, sweet, and a great match for me, but I'm worried that I'm not physically attracted to him. He's pretty heavy, and while I'm no model myself, I can't help but think, "Wow, he's really heavy." So do I admit that I'm a shallow jerk and throw away this great guy, or do I plunge in, realize just how stupid it is to worry what others might think, and try to get over my own hypocrisy? Thanks!

Carolyn Hax: Or (C) Can't you try for a non-romantic friendship and see where it leads?*

Whatever you do, don't force a romance and hope the attraction will follow. That's not fair.

*This is why I balk at personals, online dating, etc. After you've announced "I Want a Mate," it's hard to back off far enough to let nature take its own course.

Anywhere, USA : Messy messy situation involving boyfriend having slept with his manipulative deceitful ex, one-time incident that was alcohol induced. Have already decided to forgive and give us a second chance after MUCH much time, consideration and deliberation. His feelings toward her are less than friendly to say the least and they are not on speaking terms for his sake and mine. However, I know from what she told me herself that they did not use protection. Aside from the safety issue, realizing the horrible possibility that she could have become pregnant. We haven't talked about this ourselves. Do I make him ask her to take a pregnancy test?

Carolyn Hax: Egads. No. First of all, if MUCH much time has passed, you would probably know already if she were (and if she had chosen to share this). If it really hasn't been that long, you'll still find out when you need to find out--a pregnancy carried to term has a way of announcing itself. Question: Why would you want to force your BF to ask her this, when there's obviously so much bad stuff between them? Punishment?

Single mom: I'm in the same boat! It is so hard and you do feel so guilty. But it gets better! My daughter will be 2, she is loving her school now. We're in our routine and the guilt is subsiding. Tell yourself everyday, you are doing your best for the both of you. And know when your child is grown he/she will know how strong you are and they will be the stronger for it. Hang in there! Think about Parents Without Partners -- usually have local chapters.

Carolyn Hax: Great, thanks.

Balk?: Easy for someone to balk at online personals -- especially if that person has been married most of her adult life.

Carolyn, when filling our your "profile" you can specify that you are interested in friendship or dating -- not necessarily an intimate relationship. Using online personals is a way to meet people. You can meet someone, become friends, become more or move on -- depending on whether there is chemisty. And hopefully, everyone who participates is adult enough to be honest about what they want and whether they've found it. I find it no worse than meeting people in bars (who are mostly there to trolls for "mates" too).

Carolyn Hax: Technically, 1/3 of adult life, but point taken.

Still. People ask me for advice, and I don't advise personals--not unless (and this is very new) they're in an area where use has become commonplace, and therefore the whole I'm-just-meeting-new-people approach is understood. In most of the cases that cross my desk or that I hear about from friends, it's I'm-looking-for-a-mate--and I think that's a loaded/self-defeating premise for meeting people. In bars, too.

Washington, D.C.: Yesterday my Goddaughter, which is 15, told me that she is bisexual AND that she has a girlfriend. She has always been verbally abused by her mother, and grew up pretty neglected by most of her family. Could this be a phase? Is there an organization that can help me figure out what to say to her? I was at a loss of words when she confessed this to me yesterday. She said she wasn't sexually active.

Carolyn Hax: She doesn't need the right words, she needs love, support, and a reminder that your love and support aren't contingent on her sexuality, phase or no phase. For an organization, check out PFLAG.

Have to run. Thanks, and happy weekend.

washingtonpost.com:

That wraps up today's show. Thanks to everyone who joined the discussion.

Keep up with the best Live Online has to offer and special breaking news discussions. Sign up for the Live Online e-mail newsletter.

Gal who's parents don't like finace: ASk them WHY they don't like him instead of assuming a reason. They might have some decent insight that you should hear before marrying him. And bravo for them not discouraging you or giving you reasons without you asking for them. My entire family despises my sister's boyfriend and would have a very hard time accepting her marrying him. there are concrete reaons for this and there's nothing more aggravating than hearing her tell other people we don't like him because of "X," when she's never even asked us what the deal is. and believe me, we'd be happy to tell her. Assuming hurts everyone.

Carolyn Hax: Beautiful, thanks. Hope she's still here to see it.

Gah.: http://www.pflag.org

At least make it easy. Save them a step or two.

Carolyn Hax: okay, okay

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