Carolyn Hax (The Post)

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Tell Me About It
Hosted by Carolyn Hax
Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, May 2, 2003; Noon ET

Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.

Appearing every Wednesday, Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ฎ offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 30-something repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that’s about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.

The transcript follows.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

To read the most recent responses, click "Get New Responses" or select "Automatically Update Page."

Somewhere, Md.: Online only, please...

I have a friend who's going through what will be a messy divorce. She has three kids (17, 15, 12). Shortly after the third kid was born, the marriage went "dead" to the point of separate bedrooms. She has had some affairs. Lately, her husband must have started suspecting, or just finally decided to get out, and told her that he was filing for divorce. He's been the sole breadwinner the whole time, although both had good jobs before marriage.

The husband had been spying with software and a P.I. on my friend. She has evidence of fraud (important because he's a lawyer) and assault/battery on him. He's probably got evidence of the affairs on her. They are still living in the same house.

What should I say/do for her and her kids? I see all three kids regularly and used to tutor the two eldest. They are bright, hard-working, sensitive kids. I have never been through a divorce, or even had a friend go through one before (as a spouse or kid), so I really have no idea what to say.

Carolyn Hax: Yow. I guess I'd let the kids know they can come to you any time and that whatever goes on between their parents is not their fault (12-y-o especially needs to hear that). I'd also hope for the opportunity to tell my friend to control the mess for the kids' sake. Beyond that, I'm at a loss because I don't fully understand how two people can let their hatred, not to mention self interest, get that out of hand.

Picky, Picky: I think I must be waiting for someone that doesn't exist. My friends tell me that I'm too picky about men and that I should lower my standards. I don't really want to, but I know I don't give guys enough of a chance. I feel like I can size up within five minutes if I would be interested in dating them, which means I'm probably missing out on people who could be decent boyfriend material. But if I don't feel something instantly, I have a hard time being interested in getting to know them better.

Am I being too difficult or expecting too much? And how can I get better at being tolerant?

Carolyn Hax: Five minutes and you know someone inside and out? Impressive.

I don't think you need to drop your standards, but I do think you're being completely unrealistic. And unfair to a lot of cool people, though ultimately most unfair to yourself. I find it hard to believe you've never, ever grown fonder of someone over time--family member, friend, coworker, anyone--and yet that's exactly the process you're denying yourself thanks to what I suspect is a vestigial fairy princess fantasy.

You'll get better at tolerating and getting to know people if you stop putting potential boyfriends into a separate category from everyone else and start treating them just as people.

Moon Bounce Wedding!: Oh my GOD that sounds like fun! How can I get invited? I think the writer should also have it for simply the sake of all of us who have been obigated to attend the long pompus rubber chicken weddings of many of our relatives.

Best idea ever!

Carolyn Hax: No kidding. It makes me feel sorry for the family members opposed to it--people just forget how to play, I think.

New York, N.Y.: What is a moon bounce?

washingtonpost.com: Here's a photo of one.

Carolyn Hax: I have your childhood here, if you'd like to come claim it.

Re: Virginia wedding question: Let me start by saying that I have actually attended a wedding reception that included a moon bounce. I highly recommend it.

Could Virginia do a compromise, and have a traditional wedding ceremony, then have a party a few weeks later, barbecue and moon bounce included, as the "reception?" Maybe even start the party with a gathering that includes the bride and groom doing something in place of vows (recitation of love poem, whatever) before the picnic gets underway.

Just a thought.

Carolyn Hax: It's a conciliatory thought, and it's something Va. could do, of course--but I have to say I'm morally opposed to it. It's not like they're excluding key relatives or spending all the parents' savings or asking everyone to fly first-class to Bali; it's just a sweet backyard wedding. They should do exactly what they want.

Body Image: How does one come to love their body, flaws and all? I think I look good, I work out, I am very active and healthy. But I'm more Marilyn Monroe (I wear a size 8-10, can't get much smaller, big hips) in build than all the uberthin, model-esque folks out there that people tend to drool over. I can't help but feel I am fooling myself when I think I look great. In the comfort of my home I feel great, how do I keep feeling this way when out amongst the masses?

Sorry for the shallow question.

Carolyn Hax: I don't think it's shallow. Though maybe that makes me shallow.

Actually I think it's a little sad. For one thing, no active, healthy Marilyn Monroe should EVER have to struggle with these feelings. Frankly, it ****es me off. I know the official TMAI credo is Down With Victims, but the tyranny of the thin has so many normal women feeling like dogs that I don't think it's fair -not- to point at least one finger at a larger societal ill.

Where you won't see me pointing a finger, though, is at men. There is a well-whined-about general male bias against fat, but you aren't fat--you're just curved, while the magazine shape of the moment is a stick. That's a trend driven by fellow women, and it's a mean and unhealthy one, and for all those who tell you that you just have to tune it out haven't gone shopping lately and found that all current styles are cut to look great on sticks.

That said, you do have a responsibility, to yourself, to will yourself to tune out any societal message that's patently stupid, no matter how widespread or insidious it may be and no matter how many seemingly normal people embrace it. This message that you can't have hips and be beautiful is the patently stupidest. My suggestion for getting past it is to take great care to buy clothes that are cut for your shape and that make you feel beautiful, and to hang around men. Most of them don't get the whole size 0 thing, either.

Silver Spring, Md.: To combine today's column with a theme of Lloyd's chat this morning -- how about a NAKED moon bounce wedding!

Carolyn Hax: For the three people sans body issues.

Southern California: Hi, can you help me out here? I've been single for 2+ years now (I'm 27) and while I have a fulfilling job and lots of extracurricular activities, I still find myself with no plans at night. I do all the things I love: write, volunteer, run, row, kayak, and even work overtime, but I'm still lonely at the end of the day. I'm a bit shy but otherwise very friendly, healthy, and decent looking. I've been on a few dates but it hasn't led anywhere. What else can I do?

Carolyn Hax: Be patient, and/or ask people to do things with you. Even if it's just as friends. The great mistake I think lonely people make is to forget that many other people are lonely, too. If not most.

Body Image Redux: Holy mackeral, I could have written this 10 years ago. Since then, I've come to embrace the fact that I'm broad where a broad should be broad. Who wants to be part of the crowd when you can create your own path?

Carolyn Hax: True, but it's actually a crowded path, isn't it, since broads to tend to be broad that way?

Just a quibble, though. I like the overall thought.

Derwood, Md.: Body Image question: Being a guy, I can attest to the fact that I'm not influenced by whatever body type is in style in womens' magazines because I don't often read womens' magazines....

The famous pinup girl from WW-2 (Mae West, I think?) was much heavier than what's been in style for years but, lordy, those were hot photographs.

(Oink, oink.)

Carolyn Hax: (But in a good way.)

Madison, Wis.: Here's a shout-out for CURVES! I'll take a healthy pa-dunk-dunk over size 0 any day...

Carolyn Hax: I love it, even though I have no idea what it is.

Kensington MD: Here's a happy if weird compromise for the couple who wanted a moon bounce at their wedding: inflatablechurch.com

What a great age we live in, huh!

washingtonpost.com: Oh my god, oh my god!

Carolyn Hax: Indeed.

Vienna, Va.: I have a question: You commented on the impending divorce between the lawyer and his wife that the three kids were not at fault and that the mother needed to communicate with them in such a manner? Yes, appararantly there were affairs here and maybe even assault and battery, but HOW do you KNOW that the kids didn't share in the blame?

In many households the kids enjoy (especially at the teen and pre-teen ages that are mentioned) playing one parent against another, especially if the two parents don't agree on the same issues. Kids today are smart... sometimes very smart. They can think of all kinds of tricks to divide Mommy and Daddy on issues. I'm not saying blame the kids if in fact they are innocent, but I wouldn't bet the rent on it.

Carolyn Hax: When the marriage tanked, the eldest was 5. It is not their fault.

Just a Lurker's Observation: It seems so ironic that the two biggest events in a couple's life, also can be the one that literally destroys their relationship: THE WEDDING, and having/getting a child when there is infertility. The second one would seem to have more validity to me to endure or be unavoidable than a fleeting 20 minute ceremony that most couples are so dazed and nervous during they barely remember but can cause such major rifts among the relatives, friends and couple.

I told my husband on our 30th anniversary I want to go to Vegas and be married by Elvis. What fun and the two most important people are there -- the bride and groom.

Carolyn Hax: Alternate theory: that it's actually the small things that erode a couple, slowly, over time, and the big events merely crash in and finish the job.

Yea vote on Elvis.

Derwood, Md.: Betty Grable was the famous pinup from WWII. (Back turned, white bathing suit) Mae West was a little before that time -- and she was famous for her front, not her behind.

Carolyn Hax: Ah. We have a connoisseur.

For Body Image: I am a woman who dates women, and personally, I find "Marilyn Monroe" women MUCH more attractive than women who are rail-thin. So, appreciate your curves, girl, at home and out on the town!

Carolyn Hax: There you have it.

Re: Body Issues: "...for all those who tell you that you just have to tune it out haven't gone shopping lately and found that all current styles are cut to look great on sticks."

From C-cup and beyond women everywhere, THANK YOU for saying this. I think this all the time and no one else ever seems to comment on it.

I also recommended talking to other shapely types. It helps. And I was astounded when I found out that my skinny, curveless best friend goes through all the same angst--after we'd been friends and I'd been comparing myself to her for 10 years! If even skinny women feel bad, what the hell is going on?!

Carolyn Hax: An excellent question, thanks.

Weight: You suggested that one of the ways an "average" woman can feel good about her weight is to wear clothes that fit really well. My problem is that I am (mostly) plus size -- despite the fact that I eat reasonably well, exercise, take care of myself, etc. Despite the fact that I am in perfect health and my husband thinks I am beautiful, I have rotten self-esteem when it comes to my looks. A big (heh) reason is that it is next to impossible for me to find nice, stylish, affordable clothes that fit me well (ones that don't assume I want to hide every aspect of my body). It has gotten to the point where I find clothes-shopping to be heartbreaking. I often feel that the only option is for me to give up any notion that I can look anything other than clean.

Carolyn Hax: Well that just sucks. Where's Mode magazine when you need it ... did another plus-size mag spring up in its place, I hope? I thought the selection had gotten better lately--what with Lane Bryant and Marina Rinaldi, and Emme and Mia Tyler and all. Anyone have any suggestions?

Blame it on the kids: Whoa, hello! Where'd you dig up THAT whacko? In MOST, (MOST) cases, teenage or not the kids DO NOT have anything to do with the breakup. In fact psychologists say that the NUMBER ONE fantasy of divorced children is having their parents get back together. There are exceptions, but they are just that, and not the rule.

Wow that person was scary.

Carolyn Hax: Nuff said.

Celebrate Curves!: Guys like curves. Guys have always liked curves. Guys will always like curves. Curves are feminine, curves are sexy -- curves are the physical embodiment of what drives men gaga about women.

-- from a guy who loves curves.

Carolyn Hax: Okay, last one on this.



I think we need a cold-water hosing here.

Inflatable Church: Why do the Brits always come up with the good stuff? I wonder if it comes with an inflatable organ as well...

washingtonpost.com: Hey now, keep it clean.

Carolyn Hax: Aw, Ma, do we have to?

Los Angeles, Calif.: Dear Carolyn,

My boss is old enough to be my father and has never been married. He is very smart with several advanced degrees but doesn't have the best social skills, but he's been like a father to me and most of the other people in the department.

For the past two years he has been asking me for dating advice which I don't mind giving but recently at a company event he brought his gf. She is attractive but she is also a high school drop out and works in the adult entertainment industry and she is a lot closer to my age then his.

When I ask him about her he told me that he has never been to where she works, he's never slept with her because she is a strict Catholic but that he prefered for her to get different type of job and that they are planning to get married.

A lot of the people in my department are losing respect for him, including my self. I care about my boss and want him to be happy, but I think he might be being taken advantage of. Should I tell him how foolish he looks?

Carolyn Hax: To gain what, exactly? I sympathize with your concern, it's hard to watch people you care about make fools of themselves. But he has been like a father to you all, so return the favor, please, and just be supportive and shut up. (Quick, name that movie.) And, where possible, ask your coworkers to do the same.

Atlanta, Ga.: Dear Carolyn and Lisa --

My mother abused all of us kids terribly when we were younger -- to the point of drawing blood and permanently scarring my sister's face when she was 3 years old. My father tried to intervene but never called the authorities. (Not that it is an excuse, but they immigrated here right after they got married, and she had no friends or relatives to go to if he kicked her out.) She is much calmer now but never had any therapy or medications to help her, so frankly I don't trust her.

She calls constantly now -- I screen my calls, and answer her only one or two times a week. I don't see any reason to talk to her more than that. Her voice really bothers me, to the point I feel an anxiety attack coming on (I have had a few of those before)!

I am considering a move to New York, which is closer to my parents, and I have avoided living there for years because it was just TOO close. Now I just figure as long as there is a phone she is going to annoy me anyway (and I am grateful she has never figured out e-mail). But I would like to ask you and the 'Nuts how to keep her from bothering me so much (I know that she will never change).

Carolyn Hax: Um. Have you ever gotten counseling?

For your immediate concern I'd suggest just doing what you already do, screening her calls and otherwise limiting your contact with her. But those anxiety attacks sound like a cry for help to me.

Memphis Elvis Town: To the person that wears larger sizes. I wear a size 20, but can't wear women sizes (boobs not big enough). I shop Eddie Bauer online. It has larger sizes that actually fit.

To the loney ones: get out, have some fun and like yourself first. I finally figured that out and got married at 35. I had to like myself first before some guy would.

Carolyn Hax: Great, thanks.

Two more coming ...

Plus Size Shopping: I -- up until recently a lifetime plus sizer -- have done much research on this topic. Turns out I always had the most luck at Marshalls and Ross. Just my two cents. and Old Navy for Jeans, by the way.

Carolyn Hax: Cool, thanks.

One more ...

Alexandria, Va.: Suggestions for plus size women: I wear 18W, and LOVE "Elisabeth," in Tysons' Corner. It's the plus size from Liz Claiborne. Affordable, comfortable, absolutely cut to flatter curves.

Carolyn Hax: Thanks guys.

College Park, Md.: For the person worried about her boss. Make him watch the Anna Nicole story every night for a month. That should cure him.

Carolyn Hax: Of many things, including the will to live. Thanks.

New York, N.Y.: Help. I'm a 34-year-old woman feeling hopeless about my work life. Currently I'm in a sweatshop-like production department sharing a room with four people who haven't spoken to me in six months. I worked my way out of the "administrative ghetto" to obtain this position and find this is dead-end and soul-sucking in a whole new way. I'm embarrassed that in the 13 years since graduating college I haven't been able to wrap my head around this part of my life.

Carolyn Hax: Shake the age thing and the embarrassment and the path you took to this job and all the other extraneous details, and concentrate on the only thing that matters: job hunt. Or, expand it to a career hunt. Get creative and consider a combination of schooling/training and part-time work that can get you in a more forgiving line of work by this time next year. There's a lot out there, you're just too busy looking behind you to see it.

Non-relationship question: Dear Carolyn,

I'm considering buying a place of my own -- but at the same time, I'm finding myself scared of the committment. I'm in a state I'm not loving (although I have fantastic friends and a really good job, so not like I'm pining for a move right away) and the thought of taking on that kind of debt while still paying off student and car loans worries me. I'm still under 30 and would like to not be house-poor just yet. But at the same time, I'm sick of apartments, moving around because roommates are getting married, and would like my own space to decorate and garden in. Any advice for me?

Carolyn Hax: Research resale values to see if you can sell again quickly without taking a bath (include the cost of the agent's commission when you do the math); in the right market, you can sell something again after only a year or two and make money, or at least break even.

If the market's good, then buy a place that's a bit cheaper than you can afford. Property comes with hidden costs that the income calculations don't include. Someone committed to homeowning can get away with maxing out their buying power, but if you have loans plus doubts, give yourself even more of a cushion than the bank will demand.

Dakota: Hi Carolyn,

I have (what I've let become) an enormous, probably ill-advised crush on one of my friends. Great guy, smart, sense of humor, we get along well, etc. He's out of town for a couple months; I'm not too concerned about figuring out whether he reciprocates these feelings until after he gets back. No rush, and plus I'd like to proceed with caution since we both work for the same boss and are in the same (platonic) group of friends.

Since he left a few weeks ago we've talked on the phone a few times -- average of about a half-hour each conversation, I'd say. and, oh boy, is it ever stilted. Good natured, yes, but it seems like both of us are always searching for something to say. Kind of a bad sign, if we can't talk to each other comfortably, would you agree? Are there people out there that are compatible but simply cannot manage on the telephone with each other?

Thanks.

Carolyn Hax: I'm sure some people will jump in and say they're that way, but I'm in the bad-sign camp. I want to be around people with whom conversation is as natural as breathing. I've got enough things to work at, you know? And I suspect that, since you're asking, you feel the same way. Enjoy the crush, and hope it either passes or you learn to speak freely as it cools.

East Coast: Online only, please. Parents retiring to another state; want me to follow. Love them, but little career opportunities in my field in that area. Have a great life here... don't want to regret not spending time with them later. Thoughts?

Carolyn Hax: Keep great life, visit parents often, reassess decision periodically.

House Hunting: Just a quick note -- consider a condo. For someone who is single it can be nice security, you can decorate to your heart's content and frequently have a place to garden, (but not to do too much lawn maintenance). It can be a great segue to a house, or whatever you want.

Carolyn Hax: True, but you need to take extra care with the resale thing, since they often take longer to unload. Plus, you have to pay close attention to the health of the condo complex. If it's poorly built, financed or maintained, the value of your unit can tank.

Amazed!: Carolyn, I'm very impressed by your answer to the would-be homeowner's question. Just out of curiosity, how do you prepare for these online sessions? Your common sense goes a long way with an advice column, but do you do research in common problem areas so you can have some ready answers? Or do you moonlight as a real estate agent?

Carolyn Hax: I wish I were that organized. I just have a thing for houses--bought a starter place at 25 and am currently on my fourth. (Would have stopped at three, but life interfered.)

Stilted Conversations: I've had stilted conversations with friends, close friends, and girlfriends who I normally could shoot the breeze with for hours.

Almost always, it has been because something important is being unsaid and both parties know it.

Carolyn Hax: Hope it's the case with these guys, thanks.

Abuse in Atlanta, Ga.: Hi carolyn -

It's me with the abusive mom. I forgot to add that I have gone through several years of therapy and have found it helpful (I used to be much much worse off when it came to dealing with her.) I am continuing with that, but just wanted to see if anyone had some better ideas for day-to-day coping in between counseling sessions.

Thanks again.

Carolyn Hax: You're welcome, glad to hear you're in good hands. I'll post this to see what people say, but my advice for interim coping would be just to sever the tie, in a way. I think people have a hard time giving themselves permission to blow off a parent, but you know what? She did this. And, in response, you are entitled to do whatever you need to do to keep yourself well. If that means keeping Ma at arm's length, so be it.

Hee Hee: You said "the value of your unit..."

I'm reminded of that Dana Carey skit on Saturday Night Live. Please tell me someone remembers this.

Carolyn Hax: I don't. But no one recognized my "Big Chill" line, so I feel your pain.

Fairfax, Va.: Hi Carolyn,

I am losing sleep over this so if you could help I would greatly appreciate it.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year, we are both in our late 20s. I work a normal 8-5 job and take classes in the evening at a local university and am able to support myself. He works very sporadically doing freelance work and claims to be working on an artistic career. He still lives at home and even though he recently wanted to move out, he looked at his budget and he is not able to support himself on his part-time work.

I'm having a hard time respecting him because everytime I talk to him he is hanging out with friends, playing computer games, or somehow getting distracted from actually doing something productive. We actually had an argument about this six months ago so he knows how I feel about him kind of being a drifter. I have tried to be less judgmental and understand that there are many different ways to make a living. I know that as an artist it is hard to make a decent living. The problem I have is, he refuses to get a unrelated job so that he CAN support himself.

The way I look at it now is, he enjoys the free ride, he is semi-ambitious but not really driven and it makes me wonder if I could ever have a future with him. I'm torn because I love him and I have tried my best to be supportive but now I'm at the point where I want to scream "Get a job you lazy sh--!" I also feel ambivalent because I've had workaholic boyfriends in the past and they never had time for me.

Carolyn Hax: If you like him, leave him be, and enjoy him. If you don't like him, leave. It really is that simple. You just have to recognize that like and love are different things.

Re: Future Homeowner: To the woman who wants her own place but is unsure of the debt factor, why not buy a place and get a roommate (with you as landlord) for a couple of years until you feel more comfortable with the mortgage? I did that and it worked pretty well. The roommates had to move out when they got married, not me!

Carolyn Hax: Not a bad compromise, if you have good roommate candidates. Thanks.

North Carolina: Mom's day question -- My mother just passed away last week. Although I'm a fairly new Mom myself (this will be my third), I am a sad right now each time I see advertisements for Mother's Day. Since you've been through this yourself, any suggestions on how to overcome this sadness and maybe some way to especially memoralize Mom on May 11?

Carolyn Hax: I'm sorry about your mom.

Re overcoming the sadness, I don't even try. I'm sad because I was nuts about her and miss her, and so I look at that as a good thing.

As for Mother's Day, that has to be personal. My mom always said she thought the whole thing was a crock, but then talked about the flowers we got her a year after the fact. So I guess in her honor I'll try to do the same.

One more on bodies: Once I was so sick I couldn't keep food down other than veggies, became a stick. You've never seen knives til you've seen the look the heavier grocery checkout girl gave me, when I went through the line with veggies, rice cakes and "Weight Gain" protein mix. Let's all stop comparing ourselves & slamming others for something like body shape, OK? It gets ugly out there, and there are more important things.

Carolyn Hax: Like moon bounces.

Or is that bad juxtaposition.

Silver Spring, Md.: The new "Mode" magazine is named "Grace" and comes out every two months. People need to know this because there'll never be a successful fashion mag for plus sizes unless the public supports it!

Carolyn Hax: Okelydokely, thanks.

Duck, N.C.: Ooooooh, pick me Carolyn! The movie quote is from "The Big Chill"!!!!

Carolyn Hax: Uncanny!

Okay, what scene? Who to whom?

Re: Abuse in Atlanta: While not the same extreme of abuse with my mother, I found severing the tie to be extremely helpful. Once she established her own life, not including me as much or at all, we slowly began talking to each other and have a much better relationship now.

Carolyn Hax: Thank you. I actually hear this a lot from readers in similar shoes, but I'm usually better about not explicitly advising it--too big a decision to have my fingerprints on it. But, I don't know, I think the scarred 3-year-old got to me.

Dana Carvey? Wayne's world?: Carolyn:

We're NOT WORTHY

WE'RE NOT WORTHY

Carolyn Hax: Somehow, I missed Wayne's World. A stunning gap in my cultural common knowledge.

Arlington, Va.: Carolyn,

My wife hates sex. Period. I have tried reading book after book. We have gone to counseling. Yet, she still isn't interested and refuses to do anything else about it. She claims this is the way she is and I should learn to live without sex. What now? Cause for divorce? I don't know what else to do. I feel a need for that closeness and for the sex and she refuses. I want to give up! Can you talk some sense into these women who refuse their men sex?

Carolyn Hax: Rephrase that to, "Can you talk some sense into these people who refuse even to try to make their spouses happy?" and the answer is a dispirited, "I know, I know, I've tried." At least your wife did try--give her credit for that, at least. But she is who she is, and any decision you make now needs to be based on that, not on hoping that she'll come around. I'm sorry.

Duck, N.C.: The scene was between Glenn Close and Mary Kay Place -- kitchen, talking about MKP getting pregnant that weekend.

Carolyn Hax: Nicely done.

Re: Less productive boyfriend: I'm in a similar situation. I work full-time and am pursuing two graduate degrees. I'm all about being as productive as possible. My boyfriend loves his video games, doesn't think twice about occassionally playing hookey from work and just hasn't gotten around to completing his undergraduate degree.

I love him for who he is and I've learned a thing or two about relaxing and enjoying the parts of life that aren't about getting things done.

Carolyn Hax: Speaking of--I actually have to leave on time today. Thanks, have a great weekend and type to you next week.

My "Big Chill" Story: Apropos of nothing in particular, years ago I was watching the movie with some friends, and just at the bat scene, an actual bat flew into the house through an open patio door.

Carolyn Hax: Not the kind of bats we usually get in this forum, but a welcome change, thanks.

starter at 25???/: did you win the lottery? i'm 25 and nowhere near able to afford owning a place!

Carolyn Hax: Have you really tried? there are ways, beginning w/ 5 percent down.

Really leaving now.

the hill: Arlington: It sounds like your wife has had some sort of sexual abuse in her past. She needs counseling (by herself) and an understanding spouse - please don't pressure her into doing something she doesn't want to.

Carolyn Hax: Not such a certainty--but enough of a possibility that it merits attention. Thanks.

Really leaving now.

Your picture: Carolyn -- Is that picture of you on this page current?

Carolyn Hax: No pictures of me are current.


Okay bye.

Baltimore, MD: I don't want to be the jerk, but for the man whose wife refuses sex: that marriage, assuming they don't have children, is probably over. Its not that I think that sex is the only thing that is important in a marriage, but is a huge, HUGE, aspect of intimacy, and one of the corner stones of romantic love. There are people, of both genders, that don't care for sex. The reasons why are myriad, and highly individual. But it isn't fair, at all, to expect your spouse to live a sex free existence. And it borders on cruel. I appreciate that this man's wife has done a lot of work. All the more reason that they should part. If you want a sexless marriage, find someone who wants the same.

And, I am female.

Carolyn Hax: I agree with you completely, assuming the abuse angle doesn't pan out, and I don't think you're a jerk for saying it, and I am female. He just has to make the decision for himself.


What am I doing here.

washingtonpost.com:

That wraps up today's show. Thanks to everyone who joined the discussion.

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