Carolyn Hax (The Post)

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Tell Me About It
Hosted by Carolyn Hax
Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, April 11, 2003; Noon ET

Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.

Appearing every Wednesday, Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ฎ offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 30-something repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that’s about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.

The transcript follows.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

To read the most recent responses, click "Get New Responses" or select "Automatically Update Page."

Durham, N.C.: I need some advice, please. I need to know what your take is on having a friend who is still friends with someone you are no longer on speaking terms with. I want to ask my friend to just keep my name out of the conversation and not discuss my life with this other person. It's driving me crazy and I'm obsessing over a possible "privacy breach." I am a very loyal friend and I just want the same from him. Can I ask this of him?

Carolyn Hax: I suppose, but if I were that friend, I'd be pretty annoyed by the lack of trust you'd be showing by asking that of me. Besides, you can't control what other people say about you, so you might as well get used to that instead of fighting it.

washingtonpost.com: Anywhere, USA -- PLEASE DON'T POST -- can you e-mail me? There are several Anywheres, and I need to tell which one. -- Lisa.

Rockville, Md.: Became friends with someone while working overseas years ago. We kept in touch for a few years, mostly through e-mail, though he came to visit while visiting relatives nearby about four years ago. Hadn't heard from him in three years. Recently got an e-mail asking for my snail mail address. Received a postcard with a URL announcing the date and location of his upcoming wedding. Haven't heard from him since.

Is this normal practice now? (to not be in touch with someone for years, then invite them to you wedding). I've seen this situation a few times and it since the person makes no effort to communicate on a personal level, I can only deduce that they are in the market for gifts.

To me it's similar to people who, once a year or every few years, send a group e-mail with a new address. This, to me, does not constitute friendship.

Your opinion?

Carolyn Hax: That it isn't worth the energy it takes to get worked up about it. And, you really don't know the wedding thing is a gift solicitation, so why fill in the blank by assuming the worst? Maybe he's feeling the need to restore old connections and thinks the wedding is one way to try. Maybe he misses you. If you don't want to go, decline the invitation (if that's indeed what it was; seems more like an announcement to me). Same for the new address thing--there's enough out there to get upset about. Either delete the email or write back a hey-how-the-hell-are-you?

Pssst...: Awesome cartoon today... Pass it on!

Carolyn Hax: Gladly. Thanks.

State of Confusion: OK Carolyn, after tossing this one around with my girlfriend, we decided to get your take on this:

What do you think about bridal showers that take place two years after the marriage?

I don't how much background you'll need for an informed answer, but suffice it to say, I'm not close to this woman at all, and know that my thoughts and feelings should be different because it's my husband's sister, but basically, I'm not feeling this at all.

Thoughts?

Carolyn Hax: See, now that sounds like a shakedown for gifts. But you knew I was going to say that.

Silver Spring, Md.: My husband and I just adopted a beautiful 2-year-old dalmation that was rescued from terrible owners. He adores my husband and seems to be testing me to see who is "top dog." Any advice on how to become an Alpha Female, oh wise one?

Carolyn Hax: Cringe. Call me anything but that, please.

Read "Mother Knows Best: The Natural Way to Train Your Dog" by Carol Lea Benjamin. All about being an alpha.

Carolyn Hax: Oh Sick One has a certain je ne sais quois.

State of Confusion: Oy! It's me again with the shower for the SIL two years after the wedding. I forgot the most important question. While I realize for the sake of family harmony that attendance is pretty much required. What type of gift does one take to such an event?

Carolyn Hax: You mean they haven't asked outright for cash? I mean, why hold back at this point.

I have no idea what the etiquette is for rewarding bad taste. Buy off the registry (surely there is one of those---or do store computers not allow for backdating?). Spend 40 bucks.

My work friend's havin' a baby: Carolyn, I thought I'd ask you since you're a new mom. If you lived pretty much paycheck to paycheck, what would you have considered the best gift when you had your babies as far as necessity goes? And what about for pleasure? I want to get my friend stuff she needs AND stuff she'd really want. Thanks!

Carolyn Hax: Gift card to the local baby superstore. Or, a check. It may be beyond tasteless to ask for money, but I think it's incredibly thoughtful to give it.

Midwest: Carolyn, what would you say if you met a friend you hadn't seen in awhile, and she remarked "You look great! Your skin is showing the years, but overall you look a lot younger than you are!" What puzzles me is this friend seems to think she's only being completely honest and complimentary. Thanks!

Carolyn Hax: This is turning into an are-there-really-people-like-this? day.

I think you point out that it's the most tortured compliment you've gotten in a while, but thanks.

Anywhere but here: Carolyn,

I am a 32-year-old lawyer who tolerates my job, but certainly does not excel at it. I don't think it's what I want to do with the rest of my life. Actually, I -know- it's not. I feel like I am stagnating. I recently returned from visiting a friend who teaches English in Southeast Asia. She's been doing this for about five or six years and loves it. I have been giving a lot of thought to doing the same thing -- for just a year, though. To do so would mean quitting my job and probably not being able to make payments on my insanely high loan debt for about a year. I'd be able to pay enough on my loans ahead of time so that I wouldn't default; at the same time, interest would accrue and the dent that I have been trying to make would not get any bigger during that time. As for the job, I have a good resume and have never had trouble getting jobs in the past; nonetheless, quitting without another job (as I'd have to do), seems irresponsible.

Would this be an insanely irresponsible move? I think my parents would lose their minds; at the same time, it is something I wish that I had done in my life and something I could probably still do.

Carolyn Hax: Then do it. But your parents and I don't belong in this discussion. You're 32, you're unhappy with your career, you've got an alternative in mind, you're aware that you need a responsible plan. There just isn't that much left to discuss here, is there?

If you want a plan you feel better about, try to find a program that includes loan deferral or even forgiveness. I may be out of date on this, but I think there are still some of those out there. A university career office would have that info.

baby gift suggestion: I hired a maid service to go in and clean my friend's house for the first three weeks after the baby was born.

Carolyn Hax: Nicely done.

Someplace, Somehow: Hey Carolyn,

I really need your help. I'm indirectly involved in a messy situation. So I just found out about an old friend of mine who recently ended a physically (he shook her) and emotionally (jealous and controlling) abusive relationship. The twist is that the guy in question is MY ex-boyfriend, they started dating right after (or even before) we broke up about a year ago.

Problem is that I have been feeling very troubled and guilty since I heard about this turn of events. Although he was never abusive toward me (we broke up because we did not quite want the same things) I wasn't exactly shocked to find out that he could act that way -- he had/has some tendencies. I know, logically, that I could not really have changed the course of events, but I can't help feeling somewhat responsible, like I should have warned my friend (an impossibility given the circumstances.)

So how should I move forward from here? I want to offer my support but the situation is very awkward (she stopped speaking to me when they started dating.) Help!

Carolyn Hax: Maybe I'm getting old and impatient with people, but I can't see why you haven't just washed your hands of both of them.

Washington, D.C.: Oh Sick One,

Is it objectively screwy to stay with someone who has been unemployed for two years?

Carolyn Hax: Too many variables to answer that one. Is s/he still trying, is s/he still self-supporting, is s/he the victim of the economy or just undesirable as an employee, are you chronically attracted to the people society leaves behind? And these are just for starters.

Hacking Into Your Computer: These onlines have been far too serious since you returned from babydom. You need to lighten this up.

What kind of shoes did you wear to the delivery? When are you having your next set of babies? When will the lovely Lisa go out with the fuzzy slippered, Real Estate agent who dresses poorly?

Carolyn Hax: Serious? Oh no. I'm sorry.

1. I wore a pair of Joan & David loafers that must be at least six years old but don't look dated and have been worn to butter. But I did wear heels to the end, since it's not like I was getting out much.

2. When you come babysit.

3. I speak not for Ms. L.

To lawyer yearning to breathe free: Budget enough for the bar membership. Law may look better after a year away, but even a lawyer seeking a non-practice job looks better with an active bar membership.

Carolyn Hax: Okay. Thanks.

Seattle, WA: Carolyn, any advice on how to keep my mind on work when I have a problem at home? The short story is: I got a new dog (adult Doberman), left him unattended in the house while I was in the shower, and when I came out there was blood on his mouth and in the living room and I couldn't find my cat. I tore the house apart (after putting the dog in his crate), but had to leave to get to work (calling in late was out of the question -- I have to squire the boss's kids around the company today). I'm afraid the cat is bleeding to death somewhere, and I'm so upset I can't settle down to work. Any advice for me? I feel awful. I'm pretty sure the poor cat does too.

Carolyn Hax: Incredulity theme continues to take shape. You can't get anyone to stop by your house to check?

Another baby gift idea:: www.pampers.com allows you to buy gift certificates for diapers to send/give to the new parents -- they can then redeem them at their local store for the size/style of their choice. Sent these to a friend -- she thanked me every time she went to buy diapers!

Carolyn Hax: Another good one--these things are insanely expensive. (And more essential than a clean house, if they're really down to their last dime.) Do any of the cheaper brands make the same offer?

Boston, Mass.: Question on the lines of unemployed two years. My fiance has offered to support me while I go to law school (my long time dream) for the next two years. We will be married this summer. I feel funny about her supporting me. I don't want her to feel like I'm not putting in my share, but this is my dream. If she said "DO IT! I love you and want to do this for us," is it OK to do it, or if I have hang-ups about it, should I find another alternative?

Carolyn Hax: Middle ground possible? You can accept her offer and also address the hangups. Work part-time, contribute more around the house, whatever else works within the context of being a student.

For Seattle: Whomever that person is, she should be smacked HARD. Then the SPCA should be called to her house and both of her animals should be removed immediately. Obviously this is a person who cannot handle more than one thing at a time, and probably should not be charged with the protection of another living thing. What, there was NO ONE else in her office that could cover in an emergency? Does she not realize that cats hide when they're injured? Amazing.

Carolyn Hax: Indeed.

Arlington, Va.: A good friend is going through a million bad things at once (job, relationship, family -- you name it, it isn't going well). She knows she's depressed and is seeing a psychiatrist. I feel so useless saying "you're right, it's horrible" or "I'm sure it will get better." We try to get her to distracting movies or a night out, and say "If there is anything you need, let me know." But is there anything else that would be more helpful?

Carolyn Hax: Try either talking about something else, or being more specific in both your offers and assurances. I'm sure she knows you mean well and that your anything-she-needs offers are sincere, but it's almost impossible for a depressed person to muster the initiative required to collect on them. The movies and the nights out, for eg, are good, so keep suggesting them. Or offer to bring by dinner and a DVD--ie, become the person she can just BE with, without explaining herself or pretending she's happy or contributing much in the way of planning.

Also, tough as it sounds, she'd probably appreciate being treated as a normal person--just one whose calls you take great care to return promptly. It's hard enough having a million bad things happen without becoming The Person Who Has Had a Million Bad Things Happen.

Vague answer, I know. Hard to pin down.

No more Pampers: Wups, Pampers no longer sell these gift certs on their Web site. knew it was too good to be true.

washingtonpost.com: http://www.luvs.com
http://www.huggies.com

The things I do for you people. :-) -- Lisa

Carolyn Hax: OhLisawherewouldwebewithoutyoublahblahblah.

Luvs are the cheap ones.

Ten weeks and I think I know @#$% everything.

For Boston, Mass.: My husband is in a five-year Ph.D. program and I am the breadwinner in the meantime. It is his dream, I want this for him, and I know that when or if it ever comes my time to take on a similar venture he will support me 100 percent.

In the meantime, he has the kitchen straightened out when I get home and frequently has dinner started, works his studies as much as he can like a 9-5 so that we can hang out during my less flexible hours, and is very mindful of our budget while we are doing this.

It's only two years. Why feel funny about it? You would do it for her, right? Strike a balance and go.

Carolyn Hax: Sometimes, there are better things than a second paycheck. Just takes a little de-programming. Thanks.

Babygift: All the major credit card companies (Visa, Master Card, American Express, etc.) offer gift cards or gift checks.
Advantage: they can be used anywhere where the card is accepted - grocery store, pharmacy, comfy slipper store, etc.

Carolyn Hax: Also good, but what's the advantage over cash?

Washington DC: I was dating a girl for a while last year who I really liked, and things seemed to be going really well; after about a month, though, our schedules just stopped working out, and it got to the point that we would see each other once a month if we were lucky. We decided that that just wasn't conducive to dating, and stopped doing so, but have remained friends, and still go out for drinks or dinner every few weeks. I've recently found myself thinking, though, that I would really like to give it another try; the problem, however, is that our schedules are probably even less compatible now, and on top of everything else, she's leaving town for a few months at the end of this month. Given that "deadline", would it even be worth it to try now? Should I wait until she comes back from her trip before raising the topic? Or just give up on it altogether until one or both of our schedules changes?

Carolyn Hax: Which would you feel better about, giving up and failing or seizing the day and failing? That's the baseline issue here.

Local Yokel: I had a pretty successful but unrewarding career for four years. I decided to chuck it all and go to grad school, accumulating $80,000 of debt. When I entered, the economy was good; now that things are bad (and I am about to graduate) the only opportunities available to me are less-than-junior positions. At what point do I need to suck it up and deal? I feel like being a secretary (no matter what the "future" potential might be) would be a HUGE blow to my ego, but come 12/7, I've got bills to pay. Advice?

Carolyn Hax: Maybe you need to do the same homework as the unhappy lawyer--are there programs that would allow you to defer payment on your loans and ride out the slump? Could be good for your resume, too.

If 12/7 isn't a typo, sounds like you're fine for a while. To answer your question--the point at which you suck it up and deal is when you have bills coming that you can't pay.

I can't tell you -how- to suck it up, though--secretarial work, going back to your old career, if possible, or bill-paying temp work while you hold out for a better position ... any other ideas out there? As far as the ego blow, all you can do is remind yourself 1. you're not alone and 2. there's always dignity in a job well done.

Harassment: At what point does contact from an ex-boyfriend (or girlfriend) go from just staying in touch to harassment?

Carolyn Hax: When you request that it stop and it doesn't.

for Seattle: I am equally appalled that this situation (dog might have hurt cat) happened. But there is a slim possibility that the cat actually scratched or bit the dog when provoked/scared and this could be the dog's blood that you saw. Now the poor cat is hiding and in fear for her life (but safe). The dog needs to go.

Carolyn Hax: Thanks--helps to have a better scenario to lean on.

For the Smacker: Wholly overreactions!

Carolyn I can't believe you let this person spew! Shame on you.

Seattle got weighed under some very unusal and regrettable circumstances! Bad stuff happens to people ALL THE TIME.

It's not necessary to call authorities because of a TEMPORARY lapse of judgment.

Jeez, it everyone overreacted the you do, we'd all have red welts on our faces!

Carolyn Hax: Yes, but responsibility to other living creatures is responsibility to other living creatures. There should have been a plan B.

Carolyn Hax: Have I mentioned lately how much I dislike the whole theory and practice of saying "Shame on you"?

New England: Hi, Carolyn. It's a long story, but here's the short version. My best friend's younger sister (who might as well be my younger sister too) is getting married soon to a guy we all know to be verbally/emotionally abusive. Others have tried to talk her out of it. I've tried to remain a neutral third party -- I think she's making a big mistake, too, but I believe that she needs to WANT to be helped before we can help her. I'm hoping that by staying out of it, she will feel comfortable coming to me if she ever needs help. Am I wussing out by not being more forceful in expressing what a mistake she's making?

Carolyn Hax: Tough call. I think it's possible, in theory, to say to someone that you worry about X but suppport her regardless, and that you will always be an I-told-you-so-free zone. However, I also think that on-site judgment is better than theories when it comes to this stuff. Keeping her from isolating herself is the most important thing you can accomplish here.

Harassment again: Okay, that's what I thought. Is the next step then calling the police (if the contact doesn't stop after asking the person to)?

Carolyn Hax: Yes, both to start the documentation process and to find out what you need to do next. Ask specifically for a domestic-abuse unit. Someone should advise you to screen this person out completely--by not answering the calls, not opening the emails, not engaging in any dialogue in any form. (Reason is, it's important that the harasser not be rewarded for harassing you by getting your attention.) If you don't get solid advice that makes sense, email me for info on another person to call.

Washington, D.C.: "Have I mentioned lately how much I dislike the whole theory and practice of saying 'Shame on you'?"

Mm. In practice, maybe a problem -- but as a general matter, as "theory," I think "shame" is in precious short supply lately, having been supplanted almost entirely by self-righteous defense of even the most outrageous behaviors.

Carolyn Hax: Oh, I believe in shame. Firmly. Just not when it's dispensed by a finger-wagger.

To Harassment: I think it is key that you ask for the contact to stop. I once received a letter from lawyer, asking me to stop contact with my ex, when in fact I hadn't contacted him in weeks by the time the letter arrived and he'd never asked me to stop. If you don't want contact JUST SAY SO. The lawyer was surprised to hear that he'd never asked me to stop. Seems he led her to believe otherwise. I think she resented having her time wasted. God knows I resented the letter. All he had to do was say don't call.

Carolyn Hax: Absolutely, thank you--I forgot that part and it is the required first step.

Happy Lawyer Land: For the lawyer who wants to chuck it all and teach English---

Do it if you want, but also consider programs through the ABA or other such organizations. http://www.abanet.org/ceeli/program/positions.html
You go to another country for a year and do cool things. You get to do something rewarding and important, get some adventure, and it's an easier sell on a resume later.

Carolyn Hax: Thanks.

Columbia, Md.: I've been seeing a man who lives at home with his parents. He's got a comfortable paying, government job so it isn't finances. I don't know what it is because all he will say is there are circumstances that are different for everyone (hard to argue with that). But, he talks about arguments with his parents over how much stuff he has in their basement, how he talked them into getting (i.e., paying for) satellite TV, etc. I'm self-supporting, on my own and while I want to be fair to his special circumstances, I can't help thinking a grown man with a good paying job ought to be willing to pay for his own satellite TV, but a good friend is telling me I shouldn't be so judgmental. Ideas? Thanks.

Carolyn Hax: Tell your friend to date him.

Way out west: I'm a guy well past the age of 24. Ever since that age, my love life has been haunted by everything-it's-supposed-to-be sex with one partner when I was 23. By the time I turned 24, my hormones were not the same. Now no prospective partner can displace these memories. It seems this would be a common problem, but I don't hear much about it. Any advice?

Carolyn Hax: I do, but I'm afraid it'll be girl advice that doesn't apply to a guy. Have you cared about anyone as much since you were 23? You cite hormones, but I think the brain has some say in it, too.

If it is just hormones, then perhaos a doctor could help. Worth checking into regardless.

And if your plumbing isn't a problem, the advice becomes problematic. It's really hard to advise someone not to dwell on something. Most people just seem to let the past fade naturally. For e.g.--almost all of us see our circles of friends diminish after we leave school, and miss the group dynamic, etc. But it's just the way it goes, so we end up shrugging our way compliantly into a quieter social scene. But in others that process is disrupted, for whatever reason, and they get into a huge funk about not meeting cool new people.

So what's the answer, beyond telling people not to think about things, which never works? I guess telling them instead to find enough good in the new situation to make the losses worthwhile. For you that means finding reasons to be glad your relationships aren't what they were when you were 23.

Cubeville: This is for the person last week who couldn't seem to accomplish anything but didn't seen depressed. I went through the same thing. Depression screening came back negative but I never seemed to have the energy or ambition to accomplish much. I was sent to an endocrinologist for diabetes and discovered I had thyroid problems. I take thyroid hormone now and the difference is incredible! It is worth the screening (simple blood test).

Carolyn Hax: Thanks. There were also some who suggested that long-term, low-level depression could cause those symptoms, and that depression screens wouldn't catch it. I think I posted one of those comments last week, but it's also possible I was too late and didn't follow through.

RE: Harrassment: I used to work in the D.V. unit for my local police department. An important thing you need to start doing is documenting every time this person contacts you. Keep a log that includes the date/time of every occurence (whether it is in person or via telephone). If they are emailing you, keep copies and take them with you to the police department. Also, from an unfortunate personal experience, consider taping any phone interaction (if you accidentally answer the phone when they call...) or, if they leave you a telephone message that is the least bit threatening- keep it and play it for an officer. The recording may not be used in court (in many cases) but it can expedite assistance from the police.
Also, if you currently work and the person contacts you at the office, or shows up at your office - make sure you report it to the security office in your building. They are required to keep your information private. Depending on how intrusive this individual is, it may be important to have as many people as you are comfortable with knowing your business- know about the problem. There is safety in numbers.

Carolyn Hax: Good stuff, thanks.

Harassment: As an attorney that works in domestic violence it is very important that you keep all voicemail and e-mail and make sure you have told the person to stop contacting you. If you haven't told them that, it's not harassment in most states. Call your local domestic violence hotline -- they can tell you what to do. Take this seriously -- it is.

Carolyn Hax: Said hot line is 1-800-799-SAFE. Thanks.

Denver, Colo.: I am in the process of trying to end a 10-year relationship that has been very stormy. I am dependent and he is controlling. We have a hard time communicating, become defensive and blaming and we stay in the same dysfunctional habits with no resolution to our problems. I have been in therapy about this but he refuses to go. Also, he does not accept that I have depression and musculoskeltal problems which require me to go to the gym every day to manage pain. I tried to end it about three weeks ago, but he is calling me wanting to get together and just go slowly. I have tried to explain I am scared and vulnerable still, but he needs to talk face to face. I am losing my resolve to try to stay away and my resistance is breaking down to seeing him. Is there any way to resolve our differences, and should I even keep trying with him?

Carolyn Hax: No, not till you've gotten a hold of yourself. I would say this if he were Superman, whom he clearly is not.

Furthermore: He does not "need" to talk face-to-face. And you don't "try" to explain, you state your case clearly ("I need time to myself") and then act on it accordingly.

Somewhere, USA: My boyfriend recently told me that he needs time to think about our relationship. He's going through a lot right now, job change, parental issues, moving etc, and he's very upset about the war. Question is, how long do I give him? We agreed on a date to talk again (we aren't in contact right now) but what do I do in the meantime and what if he still needs more time to sort things out?

Carolyn Hax: You live your life and you accept that you can't make him come back. I'm sorry.

Washington, D.C.: If it were just "try and fail" versus "give up and fail," it would be easy; I guess my real question was about the other option that I had mentioned, of "wait till she comes back to town before trying again." Is it worth it to try to go back into a relationship where you know that one of the sticking points is going to be how much time you can spend together right before you're going to be guaranteed to not see each other before months?

Carolyn Hax: See, I guess I don't see it as more than two options. Either you let logistics stop you or you don't, and the former means you just profess your feelings and make up the rest from there.

Why Didn't My Question Get Answered?: How early do I have to submit a question to get a response? Do I have to submit it more than once?

Carolyn Hax: PLEASE don't submit more than once to the same chat. If you'd like to resubmit next week, that's fine

There is no correlation between time of submission and selection for posting. Lisa sends me what she likes, I answer what I like ...

... from the pool of questions I actually see. I get hundreds of questions per session and see only a fraction. Therefore, most don't get answered. Therefore, there is nothing you can do but ask.

Dilemma: I have a friend "Liza" who has another friend "Kim". I am not close to Kim but we were both in Liza's wedding, after which Kim took a job overseas. After she left, I found out that Kim used to sleep with Liza's boyfriend while Kim and Liza were roommate. This is a former boyfriend, and she Liza is completely over him and happily married to someone wonderful. My instinct is to stay out of it, but doesn't Liza deserve to know what a bad friend Kim was? It just seems wrong to let her run around thinking they are best friends when lots of people know better.

Carolyn Hax: Even when I take the time later on to figure out who's doing what to whom, I will still say to stay out of it.

Between a rock and a hard place: Situation: in absolutely fantastic relationship (I'm not some innocent, overly romantic post-teen, it's the real deal) but would be much happier if I lived in another city. Partner doesn't know I gave up moving to stay for him, he wouldn't be able to move away for another year or two anyway and really likes it here. At what point do I need to make a decision between being happy with man or being happy with career? And what's the best way to make that decision?

Carolyn Hax: With him. No fair assuming you know what he wants, even if you do it with his interests at heart. Having a partner means you make decisions as a team, no exceptions (that I can think of at the moment).

Thought that Counts: I must disagree that it's "incredibly thoughtful" to give cash. What's thoughtful is to pay attention to someone enough to reflect her needs and tastes in a gift. That doesn't have to cost a lot of money--though there's no other way to measure the value of cash.

Carolyn Hax: I've always liked that theory, but in practice it leads to incredibly thoughtful things that a person may not actually like or need. Cash to me says "You know what you need better than I do, and I want you to have what you need"--which is more than just a dollar value. If you're really opposed to cash gifts, at least include a receipt.

***

Sorry I disappeared there--was looking for a good question to end on and got carried away. So, that's it. Thanks everybody, type to you next week.

washingtonpost.com:

That wraps up today's show. Thanks to everyone who joined the discussion.

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