Sabaa Saleem Washington Post Foreign Desk Intern Monday, August 18, 2003; Noon ET
Balancing two cultures is something that the American children of immigrants have always done. But imagine being a Southern California college student who is wrestling with her parents' wish that she agree to an arranged marriage. In Sunday's Outlook section, Sabaa Saleem examines her efforts to balance respect for her Pakistani parents and their shared Muslim faith with her own happiness. She explains how a husband will be selected for her, a process she expects to be well underway by the time she graduates from UCLA next spring. Saleem, Post's Foreign Desk intern, discusses her Outlook piece. A transcript follows. Editor's Note: washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.
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Sabaa Saleem: Good afternoon and thanks for joining the discussion today. There are a lot of questions, and I’ll be answering for about an hour. I’ll try to get to as many as I can.
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Washington, D.C.: While I find your desire to not let down your parents very touching, I also worry that the desire to please your parents severely limits your future options. Consider: you will marry someone you have met 5 or 6 times and hope for the best. What happens if the marriage is unhappy? Or if it turns out your husband is abusive? After all, a good education, high standard of living and good moral grounding does not preclude domestic violence. Will you risk your parents displeasure and "shame" then to extricate yourself from that situation? Would you not be better off getting to know the person your parents select for you -- more than five or six meetings -- before committing to a lifelong marriage?
Sabaa Saleem: The process of having an arranged marriage nowadays is far more lenient and extended than in the past. True, my parents would probably expect be to decide about marriage after I’ve met with someone 5 or 6 times. The engagement period would be long—1 to 2 years—and that’s when I’d get to know the person I’m marrying better.
As for ending up in a situation where there is domestic violence—I would never remain in such a situation. Any hint of verbal or physical abuse (I feel they are both equally damaging) and I’d leave the relationship regardless of what anyone thought. My family would completely support this choice. In fact, they’d be the first people to help me get out.
I think I would feel more comfortable about my future if I met the person I was to marry more than 5 or 6 times. Right now, I think 5 or 6 months sounds better. It is a point I believe my parents would be willing to compromise on.
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Silver Spring, Md.: Your article was really heart-rending to read. As a white Westerner, I admit that my perspective on this issue is skewed, but I can't help but ask ... if your parents wanted you to live the life of a traditional Muslim woman, why did they decide to raise you in a culture where the pressure on you to make different choices would be so enormous?
To me, it seems really unfair to raise you here, but expect you to adhere to the values of a completely different place and culture. I admire your desire to honor your parents -- but I do think they have abdicated their responsibility to you, by putting you in an impossible situation.
Best of luck with whatever you decide.
Sabaa Saleem: The trouble that second generation children face is that they often want to accuse their parents of exactly what you are saying. “If you didn’t want me to be an American, then why did you bring me here.” It is a natural question, and one that I have asked my parents. They have answered by explaining how very difficult their situation is. They want a better life for us, which they may not be able to get in their country of birth. They want us to embrace freedom, independence and opportunity. But at the same time, how can they forget everything they grew up with? How can they leave behind their culture and a tradition so widely practiced and revered? Their upbringing brought them stability and happiness, which is what they want for their children, so naturally they apply to us expectations and cultural mores that were applied to them—with a slight adjustment for the times. I think they have struggled with their decision to raise their children here every day since they came to the West—and they do try to compromise. Ultimately that is why I respect them so much.
Thanks for the good wishes!
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Bodrum, Turkey: Traditional arranged marriages vary from not seeing, seeing but not talking, talking for a short time under supervision, talking for a specified or unspecified period of time with or without supervision until both agree to the marriage. Sometimes, there is a type of engagement period, where there is a committment but the agreement can be broken by either side and this can include parents who are no longer satisfied with the arrangement.
When standards today are so high for certain qualities in the partner, other than looks or position, can a strictly arranged marriage where partners cannot get to know each other stand the stresses of a long term marriage?
Sabaa Saleem: A couple’s ability to withstand the stresses of a long term marriage seems to depends on so many variable factors. It really depends on the people: how well they get along, how willing they are to work out their problems. It depends on where they are in their lives when they make the decision to marry, their upbringing, their personal goals. I know a couple in Springfield that has been married for a few years, have a son and are doing very well—they agreed to marry after 2 meetings and put a lot of effort into their relationship to make it work. There are others who did the same thing and it didn’t work out. My parents have withstood incredible stress in their marriage as have many in their generation—but that’s just them. Again, it depends on the people involved.
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Hyderabad, (Sindh) Pakistan.: 1. How far do you think you may be living a happy conjugal life after you have been married to the person in the process of arranged marriage although you know very little about the stranger fellow to whom you are going to be married soon?
2. In this era of prefering more "Love Marriages" than arranged marriages, do you think you would be living a contented life?
3. Many arranged marriages have been ending in divorces, which nature of practice you must be noticing in America (where you are now) these days more than ever before, then how can you manage your bravery to accept that?
4. If suppose you wouldn't be morally pressed by your parents and other members of the family for an arranged marriage, would you prefer than love marriage, the kind of the most popular marriage of all the times?
Sabaa Saleem: I don’t know who I’ll be meeting (let alone marrying) so I would hope that I would have a happy life—I do believe it’s possible, especially if I’m careful about who I choose and I manage to extend the time I have to make the decision. If a marriage is to end up in divorce either because of abuse or other irreconcilable differences—then I would not be ashamed of myself. If I was terribly unhappy, I believe I’d find the bravery to get of the marriage and move on with my life. It would be difficult—but not just because I had an arranged marriage or family expectations. I imagine divorce is almost always difficult, regardless of the circumstances. I do prefer a “love-match”, even though I am morally pressed by my parents and other family to have an arranged marriage.
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Gaithersburg, Md.: Dear Sabaa,
I am a Muslim originally from Morocco, but I have a hard time understanding the prevalence of arranged marriages among Pakistani/Indian communities. It is also important to note that this tradition is quite common among non-Muslim Indians.
I've seen ads in which the parents themselves post the requirements for their daughter. Even though I am a Muslim, I would not "qualify" for most of those ads because most of them require a certain caste (and of course being of Pakistani origin), etc.
In Arab communities, the parents' "OK" is still highly desirable but I don't think parents look for husbands for their daughters.
Don't you think that this tradition has a lot to do with local south-Asian/Indian traditions more than anything else?
Thank you.
Sabaa Saleem: I think that the culture of South-Asia does have a great impact on South Asian parents’ desires for their children to have arranged marriages. This is apparent especially when parents ask for suitors to be of a specific caste or family background. I think that many South Asian parents feel though, that having their child marry another South Asian will make life easy for them because they will share a language and culture. The way many see it—the less conflict in culture, the better chance their children will have for happiness.
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Washington, D.C.: Great article. I'm going through a similar process myself. Although I feel pretty comfortable with the way things are happening, it's been hard to explain to some friends that I'm not crazy and that I know what I'm doing. How have you dealt with friends who are not used to all this?
Sabaa Saleem: A lot of my friends have a very hard time understanding the entire situation. But I’m lucky, because they are all very open-minded and patient, and I’ve never gotten in any major fights over it. Mainly I explain my background to them, I explain the religion and culture behind the tradition. If they still cannot understand the reasoning behind it, then there is not much else I can do. Some people just cannot imagine themselves in a situation or mindset different from their own. I can’t really get angry at these people—I just try to deal with them as openly as possible. It’s tough though…
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Washington, D.C.: My understanding is that arranged marriages are just as, if not more, successful than marriages that were not arranged.
As a white American, and therefor admittedly looking at it from the outside, I really see nothing wrong with arranged marriages. In fact, it would be nice not to have to go through the whole dating scene -- trying to find someone.
It seems to me that I know many, especially women, who are getting to be a little older and wish they were married. It seems to me, that since what holds a marriage together is commitment and love that is grown -- and not the infatuation that starts of relationships in the west, arrangement would be a good option in many situations here.
Sabaa Saleem: You bring up an interesting point. I actually have a lot of friends—all have dated considerably and some are married. They are constantly telling me “It’s a tough world out there.” A lot of them actually think the whole process will be quite fun for me and are interested in seeing what will happen. They’ve even likened it to a dating service, albeit one with heavy expectations. Your point that love is grown is also something that I commonly hear in the South Asian community, specifically “You will grow to love the person you marry—and that’s the best love of all.” It’s something to consider.
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Washington, D.C.: You say in your story that your parents would be thrilled if you found a suitable Muslim boy on your own, so why haven't you tried dating people on your own? I think your article is inconsistent in this regard. If it's simply a concern about pre-mature intimacy, that's up to you. It's simply a matter of sticking to your principles. Why even consider an arranged marriage when your story suggests another option is available to you?
Sabaa Saleem: Well...it's kind of tough to find just a good guy, let alone a good Muslim guy who likes Radiohead. I'm sure the women (and men) out there can attest to this.
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Los Angeles, Calif.: Thank you for your honesty regarding this important issue. I am glad you have emphasized that you will keep your well-being a top priority no matter what happens. I am curious, though, how have your parents responded to your article? Were they surprised by how much of a sacrifice is being made on your part? As a fellow Muslim woman, I understand their strong devotion to Islam, but would like to ask you to explain your conviction in your parents' as opposed to, or in conjunction with, your conviction in Islam.
Sabaa Saleem: My parents really enjoyed my article, and they are very aware of my dilemma and understand my conflicted feelings. They do see it as a sacrifice—but I don’t expect them to dwell on it, especially after all they’ve sacrificed for my brothers and me. My conviction in my parents is tied to my conviction is Islam. They have always followed the religion to the best of their ability—marriage is an important part of the religion. Also, Islam stresses that if your parents have you best interests at heart, you should honor their wishes. My parents do have my happiness in mind, and would never force me to get married. Also, this decision is not set in stone. I go back and forth on this matter every couple of hours or so.
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Washington, D.C.: It was a great article and I also wish you luck with your future.
My question is what is your perspective then on the difference between arranged marriages and Internet dating? Aren't they along the similar vein where a person can enter a list of criteria, search through photos and profiles and then date for a while to make a final choice?
Sabaa Saleem: Yes, I think they are very similar—especially the way arranged marriages are now—with these “resumes” of personality and hobbies that seem to be cropping up. The difference is in the expectations involved. Though Internet daters obviously have certain expectations after a few weeks, i.e. that the person they are dating keeps correspondence, will meet them and hopefully spend time with them, the expectations in an arranged marriage are a little different. Namely, deciding whether or not to spend the rest of your life with someone after knowing them for a few weeks. Thanks for the good wishes!
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Arlington, Va.: I wish your article would have mentioned that not ALL Muslims practice arranged marriages. Speaking as an American-Muslim, me and my sisters all found our spouses on our own doing with the approval of our parents. Please differ a cultural practice from a religious practices.
Sabaa Saleem: A very, very important point, and something that I should have made more clear in my article. A lot of the tradition involved in the arranged marriage is a product of South Asian culture, which is why there are so many similarities between Indian and Pakistani marriage practices even thought the religions are different.
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Los Angeles, Calif.: This seems to be a pretty difficult situation, especially because you're a woman. Do you resent your brothers for getting off easy (at least, apparently, for the time being)?
Sabaa Saleem: I can’t resent my brothers for getting off easy because I don’t think they are getting off easy. They may get more time than I do, but eventually, the pressure will hit them just as hard. My oldest brother, for example, is already hearing a lot about “finding a nice Muslim girl.” Also, they will be my strongest allies if I decide I don’t want to have an arranged marriage.
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Olney, Md.: Thank you for sharing your inner struggle with us. I wanted to know if you expect to have any sort of professional life after marriage. To be blunt: will you work, or stay at home? That would be almost more limiting to me than an arranged marriage, to have my life's goals and work limited by the expectations of others. Will your decision on a mate be based at all on his expectations of your role in the household?
Sabaa Saleem: I definitely plan to work after I get married…though what I plan to do I haven’t decided. My decision will be greatly influenced by the expectations my future husband has of my role in the family. If he expects me to stay home for the rest of my life cooking, cleaning and having children, it’s not happening.
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Washington, D.C.:
How will you evaluate your potential husbands' families? Imagine the situation where you're kind of luke-warm about him and then you're really turned off by the family. What do you imagine the horrible family members would be like?
Sabaa Saleem: I think I'd like to see how my family meshed with my potential husband's family. I'm a fairly good judge of character. My ultimate nightmare, of course, is having a psychotic mother-in-law. I have been told by many that you never just marry a person, you marry the family. Something to keep in mind when decision time comes.
As for the horrible family members, I have an active and merciless imagination--let's just hope I don't see any of it come to life.
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Kansas City, Mo.: What are the options for the man in this situation? Can they decide after 5-6 meetings that they are not interested in you?
Sabaa Saleem: Absolutely. And if I bring the sock puppets, they probably will.
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Washington, D.C.: I'm deaf so I married a deaf women, Most of my deaf friends also married other deaf people. To mary a hearing person is to be labeled "hearing." Are there any labels if you married outside your circle?
Sabaa Saleem: There are a lot of labels that would be used if I married someone outside my circle. But the labels would predominantly be used by extended family rather than immediate family. I would hope that my family would grow to accept the person I married, and refrain from putting labels on him—after all they don’t seem to do much good.
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Sabaa Saleem: Time to go. Thank you again for reading the article and joining the discussion. I apologize to all those whose questions I couldn’t answer. I appreciate all the good wishes and insightful questions. Have a fabulous day!
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washingtonpost.com: That wraps up today's show. Thanks to everyone who joined the discussion.
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