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Post Magazine
This Week: What's Love Got to Do With It?
Hosted by Paula Span
Washington Post Staff Writer
Tuesday, Feb. 18, 2002; 1 p.m. ET

First comes love, then comes marriage. Or so the adage says. But for many young Indian-Americans, it's the other way around. They choose from potential spouses pre-screened by their families for compatibility, an old tradition; romantic love, if it strikes, often comes after the wedding.

Paula Span, whose article "Marriage at First Sight" appears in Sunday's Washington Post Magazine, will be online Monday, Feb. 24 at 1 p.m. ET, to field questions and comments about the article and about the ritual of arranged marriages.

Submit questions and comments before or during the discussion.

Span is a Washington Post staff writer

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

Chef Mukesh Khanna, Washington, D.C.: I read your article in the Post magazine with interest, as I, myself, prepare wedding banquets in local hotels in this area -- Gujarati, as detailed in your article, and from other regions in India as well; many different religious traditions: Hindu, Muslim, Sikh, etc.

Some of these weddings are very elaborate affairs and have had, as in India, marching bands, groom-on-horseback wedding processions, and so forth, and all of this right here in the Washington area.

I, myself, am in an arranged marriage with an American woman who agreed to come to India to meet and possibly get married with me, on the recommendation of my aunt and uncle, now deceased. That marriage has lasted about 18 years now, and still going strong. We had only known each other about two weeks before we got married. We have one son who is in high school.

Although strange by American standards, arranged marriages work largely because one's judgment is often impaired by emotional factors and making the choice of a life partner can sometimes best be accomplished with a cool head and a rational perspective on your intended's qualities without emotional factors clouding one's judgment. Once you find someone whose personality complements yours, you can develop a friendship which will eventually lead to love.

Paula Span: Thanks, everyone, for joining this discussion. Lots and lots of questions and comments.

It's true, a small industry has grown up around metropolitan Washington for Indian and other South Asian weddings. Haresh, Vibha's husband, bought his wedding attire in Langley Park. The beautiful canopy and wedding decorations were arranged by a Virginia decorator, Prabha Bhambri, who like you is in much demand among Indian brides.

But this question of whether arranged marriage is "better" or "worse" than the Western choose-your-own mode is still unanswerable, I think, though I'm glad your experience has been so happy. What we don't know is whether the divorce rate for arranged marriages is low because the couples involved are genuinely happier and more fulfilled , or whether the continuing cultural disapproval of divorce in many Asian societies artificially depresses the divorce rate.

Of course, you look at the American divorce rate and think, "One could hardly do worse."

Sterling, Va.: What happened with Vinay's search for a wife? Any updates?

Paula Span: Vinay is still dating -- he's making use of an Indian dating website, too. I personally think he's quite a catch.

So if you are Ms Right, or the parents or friends of a potential Ms Right, he's given me permission to publish an email address by which to reach him and his parents. It's MD12511@yahoo.com (This matchmaking business is infectious!)

Mt. Rainier, Md.: I hope Vinay sticks to his guns. Vidha has good luck and made some of her good luck by refusing to be rushed. But to marry a stranger on the basis of a resume is no recipe for happiness. One of the aunts suggested that arranged marriages were better because the adults were better judges of character. In the village context, where everyone knows everyone else (except the protected daughter of course), that might be so. But judging strangers? No, the adults will be fooled at least as often. I agree, too, that the lower divorce rate is no sure sign of happiness since social/parental pressure and shame are keeping women in painful marriages. I'm glad for Vidha, but it says a great deal that her happiness is based on her husband's very untraditional character and habits. Many non-Indian women would be happy to find someone so willing to share the chores!

Paula Span: That's a good point -- the idea that families will know other families and be able to be clearer about a potential spouse's strengths and weaknesses does date to a different time and place.

I think Vibha was very lucky too, luckier than she even knew at the time she made her decision. The one question that rarely comes up in matrimonial interviews: Are you willing to run a vacuum cleaner?

Great Falls, Va.: I once jokingly told an American friend of mine that having an Indian spouse was like having a Federal job. May not be the most exciting thing, but there was security, reliability and the promise of being there till the end. On the other hand having an American spouse was like having a job in a corporate America. Exciting, challenging but you never know when you were going to be riffed and left out in the cold. This invited a lot of laughs but someone also said that it was so true.

I would like to add here that while most women have a well defined role of being house makers in India, more and more women are now asserting themselves for a relationship that is based on equality. Dating among the urbane elite is becoming very common and in fact, I get more of a cultural shock when I go visit India.

Paula Span: That's a great comparison, I love it. Only in Washington!

True that many women in India and I think most here are now very interested in their education and careers. Yet that doesn't necessarily translate into a truly egalitarian marriage. Anthropologists have spoken to many Indian-American women with extremely demanding careers -- physicians, professors, scientists, administrators -- who are also expected to play the traditional role within the home. Or, possibly, feel themselves that they should or want to play it. That's a lot to carry.

Upper Marlboro, Md.: One of my closest friends is Indian, I am not. He's had something of a frustrating time dating and he, 26 years old, and is thinking about getting an arranged marriage. Family of his back in India has told him there are plenty of potential women for him there if he wishes to choose one. His parents had an arranged marriage but I just feel like he'd be missing out on something -- i.e. the process of falling in love - going the arranged marriage route as opposed to trying to stay in the dating scene and sticking it out. Could you give me any perspective so I can be a good friend to him?

Paula Span: Hmmm, your friend is probably feeling some heat. The term young Indian-Americans often use for themselves, ABCD (American-born Confused Desai) (a desai just means a person of Indian descent) tells you how clearly they see the crosscultural pressures.

One thing that makes their choices difficult is their families' feelings of how old is too old. I probably wouldn't be panicking if my daughter (who's 21) were single at 26, but an Indian family might indeed feel it was time to settle down.

Perhaps your friend could do what a number of other Indian-Americans do -- use Web sites, professional organizations, matrimonial weekends and conventions. Or, like Vinay, he might agree to *meet* women his family introduces him to, but insist on being able to date these women for several months before the relationship progresses to an engagement.

But these are his decisions, obviously. The best you can do, I'd think, is to be a sympathetic listener. This is a culture in transition, like most immigrant cultures, and this current generation is right in the midst of enormous change.

Hyattsville, Md.: A Pakistani friend of mine had an arranged marriage per force, many years ago. She was born and brought up in Pakistan in a very traditional family, and the restraints on her freedom as an unmarried woman drove her crazy. She thought getting married would at least free her from those restraints. So she allowed her parents to marry her to a man she had seen once. Unfortunately, she found a whole new set of burdens and restraints. She stays married for the sake of her daughters, and I guess to maintain her family respectability, but there's not much happiness there.

Paula Span: That's sad to hear. It show, though, why the refrain of lower-divorce-rate doesn't really answer the central question about arranged marriages. Sometimes, as some here have testified, the results are very satisfying and long-lasting. Sometimes not.

Washington, D.C.: It seems to me that an arranged marriage is a last resort for Indian Americans. Most of them would prefer to find spouses on their own without getting their parents involved and end up marrying some one they do not know.

But Indian Americans do not have any avenues to meet other singles in this country. It would be nice to have Indian Temples organize singles events/activities just like churches do.

Paula Span: Not true! There are many avenues, more than there were a decade or two ago when there were fewer South Asians in this country. In Washington, for instance, NETSAP (the Network of South Asian Professionals) has scads of events -- speakers, mixers, charitable events, etc -- and the membership is largely young and single. (it has a website with a calendar, if you're interested.)

Then there are the dating websites like indiandating.com and indianmatchmaker.com. And personals ads. And matrimonial conferences at hotels on weekends. And Mera Pyar, which has singles events in the district and is expanding around the country.

I do think many young Indian-Americans would prefer to meet spouses on their own if they could, but there are lots of new methods for meeting people.

Fairfax, Va.: Being a young Indian woman brought up in the U.S. and actually being an acquaintance of Vibha's at Virginia Tech, this article really hit home. I'm a little older than she is and could totally relate to how she is feeling. I am currently involved with a "non-Indian" and the pressure and stress it has caused myself and my family have been enormous. Even so, I believe you can still keep your roots and "Indian-ess" and still marry who you love. Thanks for informing your audience how tough it really is.

Paula Span: She's a very spirited young woman, and part of the great fun of attending her wedding (which her family very graciously permitted me and photographer Andrea Woodall to do) was seeing how delighted her extended family and friends were that she'd found someone to share her life with.

Sorry to hear that you're going through so much stress. It's partly the unwillingness of young Indians to cause family disharmony that helps keep this custom alive.

Reston, Va.: Thirty some odd years ago I ran away from India to avoid arranged marriages, Caste System and all that is evil about India. It saddened me to read your article that the two kids you profiled, under the guise of parental authirity, are doing the same. My own observation (outside Gujarati community) is that the next generation of Indians are doing fine, both in their acadamic accomplishments and finding their life partners. Hope you visit the community to show case these successfully integrated first generation Indian immigrees.

Paula Span: It will be very interesting to see the new census data (due any month) and try to ascertain if the high rate of "outmarriage" among young, American-born Indians found in 1990 continues. At that time, remember, about half those who were born here and were under 35 were marrying non-Indians. But there are so many more Indians here a decade later, and all these new businesses aimed at helping them find Indian spouses, that possibly the rate has decreased.

McLean, Va.: Arranged marriage is a fiasco waiting to happen. In an informal poll I conducted over the weekend over 85 percent of such marriages, lasting for an average of two years, resulted in a divorce (including mine). Abusive husband, unfaithful wife, and emotional incompatibility were the main reasons given. Wake up people! The underlying socioeconomic conditions that made our parents arranged marriages barely work are no longer valid. A trip to India for an arranged marriage is a roller coaster ride where one is certain to be emotionally hijacked. The price for this adventure is very high. It takes several years to deal with the emotional fall out. My advice –- don’t fall for it! Assert yourself. Date the person and get to know them before getting married. Otherwise you will learn the hard way that marriage is a legal contract and without a prenuptial agreement (unheard of in an arranged marriage) you are playing with fire. Caveat emptor!

Paula Span: And here's another perspective.

Rockville, Md.: Hi Paula,
This article really touched me because as an Indian who was born in India and came here to the U.S. when I was about four years old, the experiences Vibha has are ones that I can easily identify with. Although I met and married an Indian whom I met in school, my parents were also giving me the "you're too old" talk at 25 years old.

My Question: How did you become interested in this story and how did you select the two people who you profiled? Did you know them personally?

Thanks for the story -- it was well written and balanced.

Paula Span: This question just started as two words: "arranged marriages." We at the Magazine didn't quite know how to go about it.

We decided to try to find subjects among the Indian-American community, because it's such a large and well-organized group in the Washington area. If we'd been doing it in New York, say, we might have looked for young Hasidic Jews.

I started calling Indian-American organizations and perusing the matrimonial ads in India abroad and asking people to ask other people if they knew of anyone getting married in the next few months whose parents had helped find them a spouse. I found Vibha through her cousin who was active in a national Indian organization, and also through the popular wedding decorator Prabha Bhambri. I contacted Vinay after I read his ad in India Abroad.

They were both quite open and emotionally honest about their decisions and their conflicts, I thought, and I'm very grateful for the time they gave me, which was considerable. And they were both great examples of the kind of culture-straddling that young adults in immigrant families (of many origins) face -- very American, and also very Indian.

McLean, Va.: Do you expect arranged marriages to die down soon amongst third generation and fourth generation South Asians? Or will they follow through? What were the opinions of those men and women interviewed?

Paula Span: Most people seemed to think that yes, in another generation or two the custom would largely die out (as it has in some other immigrant cultures). But a couple of factors could mitigate against this. Remember that unlike some earlier waves of immigration, this one continues: the number of South Asian immigrants to the US remains high. That may serve to strengthen older ideas, or it may not -- since the home countries, and particularly India, also show changing attitudes about marriage.

And, again, it's also possible that having a larger pool of possible spouses -- more people from your home state or region, more who speak your regional language -- will serve to decrease the number of people marrying "Americans." It's hard to forecast.

But most young people I spoke with thought that yes, this approach was already beginning to fade.

McLean, Va.: What is your opinion of the low divorce rate amongst South Asian families? Do you think it's because these families take a different view of marriage or that there is more abuse amongst these families?
P.S. I am a Bangladeshi American

Paula Span: That's a question that fascinates me. We know that in part, South Asians traditionally have different expectations of marriage. If you stay together through ups and downs, you raise a family together, you care for each other -- that's a successful marriage. Even if you don't have long emotional discussions, buy each other flowers or lingerie, or read Cosmo about how to excite your spouse.

But we also know that in many of these cultures, divorce is still a shameful thing. A divorce not only reflects badly on you (and divorced women may have a harder time remarrying, if they want to find South Asian spouses) but on your family. It might mean, for instance, that your sisters or cousins would be seen as less desirable brides.

This is not so different from American attitudes towards divorce a few decades back, is it? And Americans began to divorce in alarmingly high numbers once some of the legal strictures were removed, as religious institutions' influence receded, and as women entered the workplace and could provide for themselves economically.

I doubt many Indian-Americans would be happy to have as high a divorce rate as Americans in general do. But I also doubt that everyone who stays in an arranged marriage, stays because they want to remain in that marriage.

Arlington, Va.: As an Indian male, who is "not getting any younger" the idea of an arranged marriage is shocking and ghastly. Yet if one takes an objective approach, a form of arranged marriages happen in this country all the time. How truly different is the essence of the matter when a parent in an "American" home comes to their child proclaiming that they know of an eligible male of female for their child. The underlying reasons for this match making is marriage. I concede that the Indian families tend to take it to an extreme but the principle is the same. As a final note, I want to thank you for portraying this aspect of the Indian culture in a truly objective manner. It was very refreshing to read this objective view.

Paula Span: Thanks.

You're right -- there definitely are parallels. Sociologists tell us that the great majority of Americans marry people of similar education level and socioeconomic status, so those matrimonial ads specifying degrees and sometimes incomes are not so very different -- just more honest, perhaps.

And it's quite common for friends and family members to introduce potential spouses to one another. Aren't the questions you ask your friends about a blind date -- what does she do? what does she look like? what's her personality -- similar to what Indian-Americans include in their "biodata"?

One difference is the issue of speed. Most Americans wouldn't think anything askance if a couple dated for a few years before getting engaged -- most Indian families would not find that at all acceptable.

New York, N.Y.: I have to say that your article is simplistic and condescending, without a whit of consideration for the cultural nuances within the Indian community in the United States or the urban educated classes of India. The sharp and unwavering distinction that you create between all things American (i.e., U2, Baseball, sex) and all things Indian (i.e. arranged marriages, serving tea) is particularly disheartening, because the reality is much more complex. Moreover, the people you choose to portray represent a particularly conservative portion of the diaspora - there are many very progressive and integrated Indians who may choose the arranged marriage route, and not simply as a sop to tradition. These individuals would also be much more articulate in discussing their reasons.

Your article is also greatly imbalanced in that you fail to discuss love marriages between Indians, whether in the United States, or in India. My own parents fell in love almost 30 years in India. The implication in your article is that if you fall in love, it will only be to someone who is American.

The issue of marriage in Indian society is so complex that no-one will be able to capture it in an "oh-so-quaint" 8,000 word vignette, least of all someone from outside the culture.

Paula Span: Ouch. I'm not happy that you feel that way.

But of course, you're correct -- no single article could capture all the variations. And I'm sure I did have limitations that an Indian-American reporter could have surmounted. I found myself wishing I could speak Gujarati, for example.

But I don't think we tried to portray every aspect of Indian matrimony, either. We did not focus on love marriages, but on the arranged or semi-arranged kind. And I hope I approached the subject with respect, if not encyclopedic knowledge.

Rockville, Md.: Many young Indian-Americans who were born and /or brought up here do indeed face much confusion. What exactly is the conflict they grapple with? Get married the "traditional/arranged" way or the "non-traditional" way -- not the "Indian" way vs. the "American" way, because traditional marriage is an institution that extends to many parts of the world. As you point out in your article, early American settlers practised it as well. The dichotomy of
"Indian" vs. "American" ways is misleading.

Paula Span: Yes, that's true. And many of them try to find contemporary variations on the traditional way, a sort of third way.

The use of "Indian" and "American" to describe many differences (not only in marriage) is one that I find many Indian-Americans use themselves, though. I very often hear about a friend or cousin who married an "American." And when I wrote the story I wound up putting that word in quotes, because of course the people I was speaking with were American, themselves.

Houston, Tex.: From someone who is enduring the same "process" I felt your article was right on target! I think for many Indian-Americans arranged marriages represent a type of defeat, (i.e. couldn't find a guy on their own in time) and it's hard to accept the idea into our own lives, especially if you were born here. Maybe we see our parents and see their arrangement more like forced-roomates than soulmates for whom divorce is not an option. But the "arranged introduction" evolution of this process has eased up some of my pre-conceived notions of the tenuousness of deciding to marry someone within two or three dates. In my experience so far meeting guys, I have noticed that some of the guys that I have met so far to be jerks, regardless of their "qualifications" and it frustrates me to explain to my parents that these guys in some instances are no different to your average Joe on the street! Just my two-cents on this process. Good job on conveying some very complicated emotions!

Paula Span: This much we know: there are jerks in every culture.

I do think young Indian-Americans see arrangement as a fallback: I'll date and look for myself and if that doesn't work, I'll let the elders step in. But I won't get engaged after three meetings (especially since people wind up flying all over the country to meet possible mates); I'll take several months, or six months (longer may be difficult), to get to know the person and decide.

Cottage City, Md.: I'm glad that Devika Koppikar had the strength of character to reject her parents' assessment of her -- not pretty enough, not good enough to get a husband. Her parents may value her more now that she has left them to live on her own, but even if they don't at least she'll have self-respect. Getting married under that kind of compulsion seems the ideal way to be terribly disappointed and unhappy.

Paula Span: She is indeed a strong and competent person.

Though children of immigrant families sometimes dread the pressure and confrontation that may come from resisting their parents' efforts at arranged marriages, it also seems that when children do strike out on their own and have love marriages, families come to accept that. The ties are very strong, and Indian parents do not want to be estranged from their children and grandchildren.

This has a familiar ring to those of us who are old enough to remember when our parents had similar feelings about marrying within a religious group or an ethnic group. Children did outmarry, as social scientists say, and religious institutions and families adapted and life went on.

Cheers for you from Annandale, Va.: Thank you so much for this portrait! I found the article to be nuanced, respectful, and entertaining, and the two young people you profiled are articulate and honest and are clearly a credit to their families and our community. It was very reflective of my experience as a thirty-year-old, second-generation Indian woman. My family (also a huge local "clan") wishes them and their families the best and wants to thank you for your excellent work.

Paula Span: Thanks so much. I'll pass your good wishes along.

Even though we were supposed to wind this chat up at 2, there are still a lot of folks with comments or questions, so we can go a while longer. Clearly, lots of people within the Indian-American community and outside it find the subject as interesting as I do.

Arlington, Va.: It was nice article. It reminded me of my situation eight months back. I am one of those 1.5 generations you mentioned in your article. I met with my wife "semi-arranged" way through friends/family. It is very difficult to get adjusted to a person who grew up in a different society but I constantly remind myself that I too was born in a different place and it just the years which has changed me and made me Amercanized so I should give the same time to her. I do look forward to seeing her and being with her after full day of work, it is strange to be in love with someone you hardly know but I guess that is the magic of human relationships.

Nice article, keep it up.

Happily Married in Arlington (with usual fights and arguments, 'The Getting-to-know' pains)

Paula Span: Exactly. What marriage is easy, however you met one another? (I say this having passed my 30th anniversary a few months back.)

Many of us know people who felt struck by love "at first sight" and promptly got married. They may still be together, they may not. I know a couple who lived together for years and years, finally tied the knot, then divorced. It's always an unpredictable process and I don't claim any inherent superiority for the western approach, which so often is illogical and suffused with unrealistic expectations. We could learn something from the Indian way of thinking.

Alexandria, VA: I had a pang reading about the 26-year-old who was "confused." In the American mode, that is someone just starting out in his or her life. College and maybe graduate school keeps one in a prolonged adolescent state. A 26-year-old has every right to be confused. What needs fixing is a structure that tries to put American-raised people into a third-world marriage mode.

Paula Span: But this is a fairly recent development, the idea that 26 is still fairly early in life to make a decision about a partner. The age of marriage in the US has crept upward, but in our own national past there were times when a 26 year old (especially a woman) was an over the hill spinster. Many attitudes about courtship and marriage are highly malleable and vary according to economic and other conditions. The arranged marriage model seems likely to undergo changes -- well, it already has -- as well.

Re: out-marriage: There is also a significant population of Indian-Americans who marry other Indian-Americans they have found and fallen in love with. The only options are not arranged marriage, and "out-marriage," as you said. Of course, even for this type of marriage, you have to have families who are willing to give up their ideas of caste, language, etc. and just accept the person who is making their son/daughter happy.

Paula Span: Yes, increasingly so. So many Indian-Americans go to college, where there are active South Asian and Indian-American organizations, fraternities and sororities, dance troupes and cultural organizations, that many do find their own spouses. Or they do later, through professional or singles groups.

These days, the specifications about caste are largely falling away and the desire for similar region and language, while still strong, is probably next. Parents seem pleased if their children have married another Indian, someone with education and shared cultural values, and other qualities become less important.

Washington, D.C.: I think one reason why the divorce rate is so low is because while many unhappy Indian couples don't file for divorce, they achieve a "de facto" divorce through separation. I was unaware of this a decade or so ago when I asked an Indian friend of mine why so many friends' parents, and later coworkers, lived in different cities or countries. She explained that divorce was unacceptable, but hiding behind differing job demands was something one could admit to his/her family.

Paula Span: I've seen that too. And cases where one elder, a parent or grandparent, is in India and one is in the US, each living with their children and often visiting the others. The mobility of this population probably helps people find alternatives.

Bowie, Md.: Why Americans (Western culture) wonder, how can Indians (Indian subcontinent and many Middle East coutnries) can marry someone whom they have not dated (i.e without knowing well prior to marriage), to them my question is, how can they (Western culture) divorce the one they dated, tested, and understood fully, over 50 percent, within few years after the marriage.

Arranged marriage is the process where experience people partake deciding compatibility of the life long partner. The Westerns should lean from the apparent results of the two kinds of marriages.

Paula Span: We do tend to look at each other across this cultural divide. Vibha's parents and family think Americans are far too cavalier about dating and marriage; her friends were startled that she'd agreed to marry a man she didn't know very well.

Obviously dating is a poor predictor of marital happiness.

And, just as obviously, people do change after they're married.

Washington, D.C.: Could you elaborate a little more on the level of importance of finding a "fair-skinned" mate among the subjects of this story (or the Indian community in general, if you are able to speak on that)?

This was an interesting revelation to me. Perhaps it was naive of me to think that this issue was limited to the African-American community.

Paula Span: Prejudice about color (and other physical attributes) transcends any given culture, it seems.

India is such a melting pot in itself, with more than a dozen official languages and seven major religious groups. North Indians (who have fairer skin) see themselves as distinct from South Indians (who are generally darker). It's very common to see ads in India Abroad and on websites that specify fair skin, and there's a whole hierarchy of terms for darker skin. America is not alone in its obsession with color.

Paula Span: By the way, several people have asked about ASHA, the Washington-area support group for Asian-American women who are confronting domestic violence or abuse. The phone number is 202-207-1248, for readers who may need their services or who would like to volunteer.

Srikanth, Toronto, Canada: Your article is really compelling and well writeen. But what is your personal opinion on arranged marriages? Would you consent to one, hypothetically speaking?

Paula Span: Ah, the Big Question. And the last one for today, I think.

As an American woman and a feminist, I would always reserve the right to make my own decision about how I live, with whom, under what circumstances. (For a long time, I thought I didn't want to be married at all. Now I've been married longer than I was single.)

But if a family member had introduced me to a man he or she though suitable, would I reject him merely because I hadn't met him myself in an office or a classroom or a singles event? That wouldn't make much sense, if I had the final say.

In a way, my opinion is of little consequence here, though. Marriage, semi-arranged or arranged or self-arranged, doesn't exist in a vacuum. It's surrounded by an entire culture with its own values and traditions, and I am not of that culture.

So all I can really do is observe, and try to transmit what I've learned, and wonder at the variations we humans have come up with to find mates. And be grateful to the people who shared their stories with me.

And thanks to all of you, too, who joined this lively discussion. If you care to continue it, you may email me at pspan@bellatlantic.net and I'll be glad to hear from you.

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