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Funny? You Should Ask
Hosted by Gene Weingarten
Washington Post Staff Writer
Tuesday, Feb. 12, 2002; Noon EST
Gene Weingarten's controversial humor column, Below the Beltway, appears every Sunday in the Washington Post Magazine, generating more mail than Santa gets at Christmas. Not all of it is wildly condemnatory. Some of
it is only mildly annoyed. Weingarten came to the Post in 1990 after being chased out of Miami at midnight by farmers with pitchforks and burning torches. He is also reputed to be close to persons thought to be familiar with individuals claiming to be authoritative spokesmen for the mysterious and reclusive Czar of The Style Invitational.
He was online, at any rate, Tuesday, Feb. 12 at Noon EST, to take your
questions, and abuse. And he'll be back every other Tuesday, so stay tuned.
He'll chat about anything.
The transcript follows.
Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control
over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.
Gene Weingarten: Howdy. I note that a competing chat features some weightlifter-personal-trainer health and fitness fellow. I bet he has valuable self-improvement advice and I urge you
all to go talk to him and find out how to achieve personal growth through a daily regimen of good nutrition, healthful exercise and whatnot in the mystical nexus of mind-body-spirit harmony, so as to become a Better You. Go. Really. It's fine with me! He's on right now. Caio! Toodles!
Okay? They gone? Cool. We don't want people like that around here, anyway.
Questions?
Arlington, Va.:
Gene,
How many poopie jokes do you think you will get in today?
Also, does the ombudsman read the online chats?
Gene Weingarten: I'll try for eight. Some may be subtle, though. I never feel the warm breath of the Ombudsman while online.
Reston, Va.:
Gene, I think I've found THE defining issue in the gender gap:
Lentils.
How many guys do you know who like lentils? I don't know any males in my business or social circles who will willingly eat them. All my women friends, however, love them. Kim O'Donnel sings their praises on her cooking chat.
Do you have any empirical evidence to support or refute this Lentil Theory of gender politics?
Gene Weingarten: Wow. An excellent point. I think you may really be onto something here. My wife oves lentils. I think they taste like pellets of peat moss. I have my own gender-defining food distinction, though. I think only men will eat uni sushi. Uni is sea urchin, that gloppy golden stuff. It's wonderful, but no woman I know will go near it. I have a theory as to why, but I dasn't share it publicly -- even in this seedy and disreputable chat format -- on account of my mortgage.
Arlington, Va.:
Regarding the Houston Chronicle's failure to cover the Enron scandal -- oh wait, that was yesterday. That Howard Kurtz is a hottie, isn't he?
I have a humor-related question. While poop is properly recognized as funny material (HA-HA), I am greatly concerned that phlegm is not properly recognized in comedy circles. What are your thoughts about humor and bodily fluids generally, and phlegm in particular?
Gene Weingarten: Thanks for the help.
I believe that virtually all humor -- any joke, any bon mot, any witty observation, however sophisticated -- can essentially be deconstructed as a comment on the hilarious
absurdity of life. I once gave a talk to American newspaper feature editors, and I began by asking "Why is poop funny'? Everyone laughed (thereby confirming the premise) but no one offered an explanation. My explanation was this: Humans spend much of their lives preening and posturing, pretending that we are a hugely sophisticated organism, greatly distanced from common beasts. And yet we all have to do this ludicrous thing.
(It's the same reason sex is funny.) Basically, we are pompous asses. And poop proves it.
I have no opinions on phlegm.
See, it is possible to discuss poop in a professional, academic context. Perhaps one
day I shall write a monograph on the subject for a prestigious international journal.
Arlington, Va.:
What do you think about the fact that, since Sept. 11, there are an increasing number of signs in the country that specifically instruct us not to make jokes (I'm thinking especially about the ones at airline security checkpoints).
If truth is the first casualty of war, is humor the second?
Gene Weingarten: Truth is the third casualty of war. Personal hygiene is number two.
Alexandria, Va.:
Could you pass along some praise to your editors?
You and Hank Steuver are two of the best things about a very good paper. I am terrified that the People With No Sense of Humor are going to, with their prissy leters to the editor, destroy you both. Please, don't let them. Hank's colums make me say "Yes! That's exactly it!" more than anything else I have read. His one on K-Mart was just brilliant, as was the Christmas Sweater one.
Please, Powers That Be, recognize Hank's and Gene's genius. Let them be.
Gene Weingarten: Listen, whoever you are. In about two weeks, it is going to be very important that you express this opinion in a letter to the editor. In fact, in several letters to the editors, using different names and addresses and nationalities. Just stay underground, until then, like a sleeper cell, until the Time Comes. You will know it when it happens. Thank you.
Rockville, Md.:
Gene, I know Joel Achenbach is the space guy, but he hasn’t been chatting much, so maybe you can help me with this one. I was looking up something in Webster’s and stumbled across the term "escape velocity," which is defined as "the minimum speed required for a particle, space vehicle, or other body to escape permanently from the gravitational field of a planet, star, etc." It says that the minimum speed to escape earth is seven miles per second. Well, NASA rockets don’t travel nearly that fast, so why aren’t they sent spinning back to Earth like Chuck Yeager’s plane in "The Right Stuff?"
Gene Weingarten: I think the answer may be that they have not escaped from our gravitational pull. If they are in orbit, they are still being pulled by gravity. You're welcome.
Gene Weingarten: Hey, did anyone see TV coverage of the Iranian anti-U.S. demonstrations? Did you see that giant banner that said, in English, "America Is Extremely Nothy." What the heck
was THAT about?
Charlottesville, Va.:
Your poop/humor theory explains why it was so hilarious that sanctimonious gasbag Arlen Spector was the target of so many laughs when he inadvertently left toilet paper hanging out of his pants while walking the halls of the Capitol. There is a direct relationship between the pomposity of a person and the humor which results from that person's public association with poop.
Gene Weingarten: I agree.
Alexandria, Va.:
Hi Gene (hey, that sounds like hygiene). Enjoyed your column this weekend, but I must say, I am beginning to doubt that this Gina person really exists. Can you offer proof that she is a real person, not just someone you're conversing with.... ahem, in your mind?
Thank you.
Gene Weingarten: This is the fourth question raising a similar point, so I'll answer em all at once. Gina is real. She's a professor of humor and feminist theory at the University of Connecticut, has written five books, and has a weekly humor column in the Hartford Courant. She has appeared on Good Morning America, the Today Show, and Oprah. Believe me, if I had invented Gina, she would not keep wiping the floor with me.
She's also a whiner. Whine whine whine. You know how women are. She thinks I had an unfair advantage this last week because I STARTED the short story. So I think next time I will have her start it with something girly.
Us Nothy Folks:
Maybe it has to do with the Bert posters the Pakistani protesters were using last fall. washingtonpost.com:
BBC News: "Bert in the Frame with bin Laden.
Gene Weingarten: this is worth checking out the link, if you are unaware.
Menlo Park, Calif.:
I was just in the Broder chat, and I asked him to confirm the nipple rings you said he wore, but he didn't answer. Is he just sensitive, or what? Any other Post staffers with other interesting features we don't get to read about in the paper?
Gene Weingarten: Well, Leonard Downie Jr. is a woman. But I guess everybody knows that. I get everything last.
Burke, Va.:
Are you aware that rotating the word "poop" 180 degrees around its horizontal axis you get the word "boob?"
Gene Weingarten: YOU DO NOT! you get DOOD. which is pretty good, too, actually.
wiredog:
Did you know that "Wogs in hot pants" is an anagram of "Washington Post"? What does this say about the Paper of Record in our Nation's Capital? Does the ombudsman know about this? Does the Czar?
Gene Weingarten: Actually, THE WASHINGTON POST is "wet hogs in hot pants." I believe we have printed this. This newspaper is fearless.
22903:
Yeah, I saw the Iranian banner. It was appearing over a cameo of Ashleigh Banleigh, who was voicing the report from Iran. It bugged me, too. Nothy? I kept thinking "nosy," but taught by an English teacher with a lisp. Besides, who cares if we're nosy?
Extremely "nothing?" How extreme can nothing be? Isn't plain nothing nothing enough?
I guess this is what happens when you exile all your English speakers.
Gene Weingarten: Several people suggest it was "naughty." NAUGHTY??????? Talk about a slap on the wrist.
Tokyo, Japan:
Iran -- hey, English isn't their native language, give them a break. At least they were thoughtful enough to try to trash us in our native language. It's like, here in Japan, my wife once got what was supposed to be an obscene phone call; the guy was saying "Fack Fack Fack." The effort is the important thing, don't you think?
Gene Weingarten: Point taken.
Virginia:
No, no, no, Gene. Rotate "poop" around its HORIZONTAL axis (not vertical) and you do, indeed, get "boob."
Gene Weingarten: Oh, right. Wow, what a great word, spatially speaking.
Locker room in Fairfax, Va.:
I am in my mid-20s and take an exercise class with a bunch of wonderful older women. As such, I often witness really funny (in a crude sense) things in the locker room. The best was last week, one walked buck naked out of the bathroom stall, still wet from swimming, and she had toilet paper stuck all over her behind. (from feathering the nest before she sat down, but not making sure the pieces didn't stick to her). Another women said "you've got paper on your BUTT" and they had a good little chuckle. Do I need a more exciting life if this is the highlight about which I write to WP columnists?
Gene Weingarten: This is the classiest chat on the Web. I am so proud of you people.
Fairfax Station, Va.:
Gung Hay Fat Choy! Xin Nien Kuai Le!
Gong Xi Fa Cai! Sun Nin Fy Lok!
Chuc Mu'ng Nam Mo'I!
Sehe Bokmanee Bateuseyo!
How will you be celebrating the arrival of the Year of the Horse today?
Gene Weingarten: I am praying there is nothing hidden in that thing that will get me fired.
I plan to remain on my high one.
Re: Lentils:
The reason women like lentils is because they have the nutritional benefits of beans, minus the flatulent side effects.
Which is exactly why men like beans, but not lentils.
Gene Weingarten: Oooooh. Very good.
Washington, D.C.:
Do you and Gina Barreca plan to make some sort of commentary on the Winter Olympics? It seems to me this is a prime location for gender-related humor, what with the fact that Snowboarding and Figure Skating were both featured events yesterday.
Gene Weingarten: One serious problem with my column in the magazine, other than that I am simply not very funny, is that its deadline is three weeks before you read it. I can't actually DO highly topical humor.
Rock and Hard Place, Virginia:
This morning, Ken Lay told Congress, "It may be perceived by some that I have something to hide." Is this perception, reality, or illusion?
Gene Weingarten: I cannot really quarrel with his statement. He is being open and honest. It may indeed be perceived by some, in the sense that some people, staring at the Grand Canyon, might perceive a huge freaking open pit out there.
Suncoast:
Hmmm, in two weeks you're going to need lots of supportive letters, eh? It sounds like a future column is going to be controversial. (Goody!) Care to give us a hint?
Gene Weingarten: No.
Fiddledee, Del.:
I agree that this chat is simply the best. However, with all this talk of locker-room hi-jinx and Len Downie's womanhood, I have to ask: shouldn't LiveOnline have some sort of graphics/photo capability? washingtonpost.com:
Perish the thought!
Gene Weingarten: washingtonpost.com, whose name is Liz, is laughing because she knows this would not work. I do it in the nude.
Commercial Appeal:
Have you seen the commercial for the Hardees $6 burger -- The one where the two guys get bombarded by annoying wait staff singing Happy Birthday? My husband and I had a very intellectual conversation about the attempt at humor in that commercial. We agreed that it was not funny because humor needs to contain an element of truth in it, and neither of us finds Happy Birthday singing wait staff annoying. In fact, the ironic part is that instead of agreeing with Hardees that restaurants who do this are obnoxious, we actually think that the commercial itself is extremely obnoxious and turn the channel whenever it comes on.
Unfortunately when we repeated this witty repartee to other people who had seen the commercial, they were not as stimulated as we were. But then again, they thought the commercial was funny.
Gene Weingarten: You don't find singing waiters obnoxious? Wow. You may be the only one.
22903:
I heard on the news this morning that the silver medalist in luge (a German) has a nickname: The Racing White Sausage.
I was speechless at my own inability to make this matter funnier.
Gene Weingarten: You have to be kidding. This is Hackl, right? Please tell me this is real.
Washington, D.C.:
Gene,
So, Olympic figure skating. Real sport? Or just an opportunity to show that it's not only elections that are rigged?
Gene Weingarten: I realize I am not in the majority here, but I rather strongly believe that NOTHING should be an Olympic sport if it depends on grading by a panel of experts. Nothing. No figure skating. No ice dancing. No gymnastics. Everything must be measurable or directly one-to-one competitive. The only thing that gives me pause is boxing. I think boxing is OK because the object is to end it with a knockout, and the grading is necessary only as a fallback.
Yes, I know, no one agrees with me. But I am right.
Washington, D.C.:
I hear you think cilantro tastes like soap. Any particular brand of soap? Are you a connoiseur, like the late, great Jean Shepherd, from childhood years of having his mouth washed out with the stuff (soap, not cilantro)?
Gene Weingarten: Good question. Yes, cilantro tastes exactly like 20 Mule Team Borax.
Arlington, Va.:
Did the Ombudsman enjoy last Sunday's Style Invitational? Or did he not deign to acknowledge it?
Gene Weingarten: I have not heard from The Ombudsman. Perhaps he will address it in print!
washingtonpost.com:
Mention of "The Racing Sausage" from the 1998 Nagano games.
Gene Weingarten: This is so wonderful.
Hairsute, W.Va.:
The sketch of you at the top of this page and in the magazine makes it look like your moustache grows through your nose and comes out the other side. Is that artistic license, or does your nose really resemble an airplane with hairy wings?
Gene Weingarten: I have a very unattractive nose. It looks like what would happen if you chewed up one of those wax Dixie cups until it was just a wad of pulp in your mouth, and threw it against a blackboard.
15th and L:
Gene,
Hate to burst your bubble, but Wilbon agrees with your assessment on figure skating. At least that's what I think he says on that show of his when he's able to talk over Kornheiser.
Gene Weingarten: Right, but I don't limit it to figure skating. I am saying NOTHING that relies on judging should be a sport. Only things with empirical results should be included. This eliminates a lot of stuff. I doubt that Wilbon would go that far. Though I haven't asked him.
Yeah, and...:
... it's also not a sport if you have to wear makeup. Especially if you're a man.
Which, come to think of it, also means that football isn't a sport either...
Gene Weingarten: Lampblack is not makeup. Gimme a break here.
Rosslyn, Va.:
Gene,
I was in Paris last week and read an English-language newspaper headline that said, "French Politicians Upbraid U.S. for Simplistic Policy on Afghanistan." Since I was away, I don't know what the U.S. reaction to the "upbraid" was. Can you enlighten me?
Gene Weingarten: You don't need to do much to respond to criticism from The French. To the best of my recollection, we simply made exaggerated effeminate gestures.
Reston, Va.:
Now, you see, that reporting of Bert with bin Laden is what's wrong with the press. Did anyone stop to think that maybe Bert was a CIA agent? That we might finally have gotten someone in close to bin Laden, just waiting for the right time to put Mr. bin Laden out of our misery? You may have blown his cover! What would al Quaeda do to a CIA spy caught in their midst! Especially a muppet! There's probably felt scattered all over the Tora Bora landscape because the press put "getting the scoop" ahead of National Security!
Gene Weingarten: Noted.
Baltimore, Md.:
Several weeks ago you mentioned the Violet Ray medical device from the 30's, which promises to cure several diseases, including "brain fag." As a responsible humor columnist, do you plan to devote any space to describing this condition and how many adults suffer from it?
Gene Weingarten: Brain fag appears to be related to brain starvation. I wrote about that some many months ago, which resulted in my getting to bill The Post for a visit to a whorehouse. So please don't joke about brain fag.
Bethesda, Md.:
"Lampblack is not makeup" -- just like "action figures" aren't dolls.
Gene Weingarten: You are ticking me off here, lady. You sound like Gina.
Left of the Beltway:
Gene,
Do you have plans to do a joint column with any other humorists (or unintentionally funny people)?
Gene Weingarten: Oh yeah. It's a sweet gig, letting others do your work for you.
Nowhere, Man:
Gene,
Great 1953 photo of you two Sundays ago in the column. I too began to wear army fatigues to work so my colleagues would take me more "seriously."
Gene Weingarten: Joel Achenbach and I once discussed coming to work, simultaneously, day after day, without comment, in Star Trek outfits. With phasers and everything. Until somebody said something.
wiredog:
Other than you and Achenbach, is there a Florida Mafia at the Post?
Gene Weingarten: The Washington Post, basically, used to work at The Miami Herald. It is totally bizarre. Probably a fifth of the newsroom are Herald alumni. Among them: Marc Fisher, David Von Drehle, Joel, Carol Guzy (seven-nine photography Pulitzers or something), Guy Gugliotta, Deb Heard (the deputy editor of Style), Tom Shroder (the managing editor of the magazine) and on and on and on.
Loveland:
Let us take the opportunity to wish you a happy Valentine's Day... hope someone gives you a heart.
The Losers of America
Gene Weingarten: Awwwww. Thanks. Let's let this be the last question. See you all in two weeks.
washingtonpost.com:
That wraps up today's show. Thanks to everyone who joined the
discussion.
Stay tuned to Live Online:
The
Lean Plate Club at 1 p.m. EST
Health
Talk: The War on Drugs at 2 p.m. EST
Analysis:
The Axis of Evil at 2 p.m. EST
The
Winter Olympics at 3 p.m. EST
Authors:
"Love By the Glass" at 3 p.m. EST
Live Online Special Coverage: America
At War
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