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The 2002 Olympic Games
With Hank Stuever
Washington Post Style Writer
Friday, Feb. 15, 2002; Noon EST
With a record number of athletes participating and 10 new events the Salt Lake City Olympics is the biggest Winter Games in history.
Nevertheless, Washington Post Style writer Hank Stuever was online live from Salt Lake City to discuss the Games, Utah and Olympics in general.
1n 1989 Stuever interned at The Washington Post Style section -- where he would eventually find employment ten years later. While not writing riveting Post copy Stuever enjoys driving across the country and listening to very loud music. He is fluent in Texan.
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The transcript follows
Hank Stuever: Hi everyone from the, uh, beautiful Salt Palace Convention Center in downtown Salt Lake. Imagine me in furlined boots and Roots skiwear sitting by the fire. No, scratch that. I'm in the Post's temporary Olympic bureau, sipping my illegal Pepsi product, ready for your questions. Do me two favors, wontcha?
1. Tell me your half-pipe song! All snowboarders pick out their favorite song to play over the loudspeakers during their run. What's yours? Remember, it has to be catchy and it has to rock right away -- no slow intros!
2. No questions about actual sports! Lifestyle, weirdness, Mormons (play nice), Jello, social stuff, snarkiness, sideline behavior, sex, fashion. These are my things.
Ready steady go!
Arlington, Va.:
I decided that I want to participate in the Olympics before I get too old. The problem is that I don't have a sport. And it would help if I got citizenship in a country where I could make the Olympics without too much competition. Any suggestions?
P.S. I'm short, stocky, and scared of snowboarding and skiing.
Hank Stuever: Curling is for you!!! I am going to Ogden this weekend to watch some curling because WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON THERE? It's on TV all the time. Last summer I wrote about the Velma-ization of the World (Velma from Scooby-Doo) and I was too early. This was before any of us knew about Ashleigh Banfield and certainly before I watched the Women Who Curl. The men, too! Revenge of the Nerds!
Phoenix, Ariz.:
Having watched the men's figure skating, have you thought about this: if you were a contender, what music would you skate to, what would be in your routine, and would you have a signature move -- such as the French Phillipe Candolaro has?
Hank Stuever: One point missing from this week's pairs scandal is that the Canadians skated to the theme from "Love Story." Judging alliances or not, I'd take points off for that right away. Silver is the best you can hope for when you skate to movie music. Don't these people know that? A guy from China last night skated to music from "The Phantom Menace." I noticed his artistic scores were immediately lower than everyone else. Same with Goebel: That jazz-hands stuff don't fly.
Tecumseh, Michigan:
Hi Hank,
I've really been enjoying your coverage of
the Olympics so far. How do you decide
what stories you are going to write? Do
you pretty much have free rein, or did your
editors at the Post send you to Utah with
specific stories in mind?
Also, does your press pass get you into
any event you like, or do you actually have
to have a ticket? Obviously the Post has
sent a cadre of reporters to cover these
Olympics -- how do they decide who gets
to cover the various events? Do you draw
straws?
One last question: are you having fun?
Looking forward to your next dispatch,
P.S. -- If you see Simon Ammann, tell him
he's my new hero!
Hank Stuever: I am having fun, though in a very no-fun way. I spend all my time on shuttle buses with foreign juornalists with names like Nils and Joost and Ralf who all seem to have hacking coughs. SO yeah, big-heap fun!
As for story choices, I tend to change my mind every day, but I came out here with certain broad subjects in mind. I pitch them to my amazing editor the same as I do when I'm at home -- if he gets it and like it, we're golden.
I have a press pass that says INF, which apparently stands for Infinite Access. This allows me the thrilling opportunity to be frisked and searched and xrayed several times a day.
Washington, D.C.:
What is up with that hat?
Hank Stuever: That thar's my steak-n-taters hat! I bought it last summer, oddly, during one of those midday writer's block shopping sprees. I had no idea it would come in so handy. Let me tell you something about this hat, something wonderful: It makes the locals think I'm foreign. It cuts way back on the unwanted chitchat.
White Sands, N.M.:
Seeing that you know so much about harry potter, I leave this question to you: do you think that adorable swiss skier who won the gold, really is a Harry Potter-look-alike as Bob Costas says adnauseam?
Hank Stuever: Yes!
Fairfax, Va.:
How are the snowboarders and the Mormons getting along?
Hank Stuever: Everyone loves the snowboarders, and the Mormons seem to be doing a great job of loving everyone. My fave snowboarder, Kass, said something I wish I'd included in my story: He would never want to be on a box of Wheaties, but he'd happily be on a box of Count Chocula.
Okay, here's MY half-pipe song, the first of many: "Strychnine" by the Sonics. (Old garage band from the 60s.)
I.T.B.:
Hey Hank, it's great to see you hosting a chat. Remember when they had the Summer Olympics in Barcelona and the diving competition took place on a hill or something where you could see the whole city stretched out in the background when the divers were standing up on the diving board? The current and future Olympics need to come up with some similarly stunning venue that will give us TV audiences something to look at other than boring sports stuff. Have you seen anything around Salt Lake that would be good for this, or is it just lame old mountains and trees and other Ansel Adams-style non-manmade junk around there?
Hank Stuever: Panaromic vistas of Salt Lake are probably not the best idea. I say this lovingly, as a native Oklahoman, but SLC gives me a strong Tulsa vibe. There are lots of smokestacks and western sprawl. Keep the camera on the mountains and the speed skater butts and that's about it.
Washington, D.C.:
Hank: you are consistently one of the most entertaining writers on the Style staff. High five!
Question: last time I was in Utah, I saw a lot of billboards warning about "black helicopters" and the UN cabal, etc. They take those down?
Hank Stuever: Thanks, but I always mess up when people want to give me high-fives. I miss their hands! Meanwhile, yes, Utah is close enough to Idaho to give off a whiff of that off-the-grid, anti-global vibe. There have been some protests from the self-marginalized. And their worst fears have been realized: hovering helicopters round the clock! Socialists crawling all over the place! Firm restrictions on what you can eat and what you can buy and militaristic checkpoints everywhere!
Somewhere, USA:
How come all of the men's figure skaters cry after their routines? Not that I am a macho man, but you don't see this happening in... oh, I don't know.... CURLING!
Hank Stuever: I am mulling over that and all the other symptoms of psychological distress in the sport of figure skating for a Style piece that I'm supposed to turn in tonight and will (I hope) run tomorrow. I think it's a cry for help.
Reston, Va.:
Halfpipe song: Blitzkreig Bop! Or maybe something by the Dead Kennedys.
Been to Sam Weller books yet? Reading the local paper? (Check out Kirby's columns, today's is on the important porta-potty story.)
Hank Stuever: The Ramones were made for Half-Pipe!
Another choice of mine: Pixies. Like maybe "Planet of Sound" or "Debaser." I haven't been ANYWHERE, it seems like, unless the bus drops Nils, Joost, Ralf and I off at that exact point. I did go to the Last Lap, the bar where all the athletes are allegedly hanging out. But who can tell? It's just a bunch of drunk 22-year-olds with weird accents. It's 18th Street on a Friday night back home.
Fashion Central:
The US athletes entering the stadium in their dark jackets and berets looked like a disorganized unit of the Soviet navy. Why can't the USOC find uniform designers like those who work for the Russian and Bulgarian figure skaters -- those sequins really rock! And the haircuts, too.
Hank Stuever: We always come out wearing the wrong thing.
Arlington, Va.:
Do the athletes at the Olympic Village spend the whole time trying to hook up? Are there bars one can go to meet the Swedish biathletes?
Hank Stuever: This is the great untold story of any Olympics. One urban legend goes that the toilets at Lillehammer's athlete's village backed up b/c so many condoms were flushed down them. I don't quite buy it -- that many athletes don't know what to do with a used condom??? Anyhoo, I think they live more like cloistered nuns. No one gets in, and they go out in chaperoned clumps.
Halfpipe Music:
Anything by Sex Pistols - maybe Anarchy in the U.K.
Ramones would do, as well.
Or even Clash.
Am I too much of a classicist?
Hank Stuever: Yes, branch out!
Another choice, and very much on my mind with the altitude and dehydration: "Cherry Chapstick" by Yo La Tengo.
Chickasha, Okla.:
Here's my Olympic Sport...
Stalking smooch-a-licious Chris Isaak after his Today Show appearance.
Are celebrities welcome in this venue?
My half-pipe song is, "Hash-pipe," by Weezer
Hank Stuever: Celebrities are coming and going pretty fast, and mingling some. Macy Gray was in the Dead Goat saloon the other night, and there have been many other sightings.
Washington, D.C.:
I was gonna say "Debaser" but you beat me to it.
Hey, I know it's probably been done a thousand times but could you please please write something about figure skating costumes? My God. Last night, that silver medal Russian kid? Bad news. He has a bowl cut AND a mullet (didn't know that was possible), was wearing orange foundation and had a sparkly leotard with some strange mini-tie. He looked like a strung-out Dutch Boy.
Hank Stuever: I hate to use all the lines I'm saving for my figure skating piece, but Evgeny clearly didn't get the memo about men not having Martina Navratilova's hairdo.
Somewhere, USA:
First of all, thank you for your wonderful work in the Post over the past few years. And thank you for not leaving for one of those snooty New York magazines (yet?).
I have heard stories for years about carrot-laden lime jello in Utah. Could this have contributed to the French ice skating judge's fragility? It sure wouldn't make it easier for me to stomach ceaseless hours of skating teens cavorting to bad dance mixes.
Hank Stuever: Like Katherine Harris before her, the French judge has proven that women who look and dress like Cruella de Ville are sooner or later going to be cast in the part, with national spotlights on them. I doubt she's eaten Jell-O in her whole life. Otherwise she'd have a smile on her face!
Fashion Police:
It could have been worse: The U.S. team could have come to the opening ceremonies dressed like the Swiss. For a minute I thought they were shooting a 1950s sci-fi movie in the stadium.
Hank Stuever: I liked the Swiss coats!! It's new, it's weird, IT'S NOT A TRACK SUIT. We looked cheap, lazy, logo-driven.
Half-pipe song:
Three words: "Love Removal Machine" by the Cult.
Hank Stuever: Ooh, yeah. A lot of '80s songs make it to half-pipe.
Mt. Pleasant, Washington, D.C.:
Do you think all this hullabaloo about the pairs figure skating is the result of the relative lack of drama surrounding these games? I mean, we’ve got no Tonya/Nancy soap opera, Dan Janssen drama, or Soviet-era rivalries. Is this simply filling the void or is there a legitimate beef here?
P.S. Speaking of beef, who’s the cutest Olympian? I vote for FitzRandolph.
Hank Stuever: Skating is always the thing that serves up a dramatic narrative that people can, and will, follow. Something had to happen, because something always done.
Cutest? I say Eric Bergoust, the freestyle aerialist!! Can't wait for Monday!
Fairfax, Va.:
Who picks out the marching uniforms -- Edith Head?
Hank Stuever: If only she was alive and available! I think the USOC just goes to the mall now and picks them out.
Fairfax, Va.:
I'm sure our friends in Swoosh-ville could have come up with something tastefully patriotic and sewn by cute little Vietnamese children.
Hank Stuever: Yes, or what about hyperpatriot Ralph Lauren?
Cleveland Park, D.C.:
Half-pipe song: "Psychotic Reaction" by the Count Five (maybe starting about 10 seconds into it, when the drums finally kick in to complete that killer guitar-bass groove).
Hank Stuever: Yes yes yes
Delray, Va.:
Halfpipe song: Kick out the Jams
Hank Stuever: Or "American Ruse"??? They used it on Jackass once on MTV and it was perfect.
wiredog:
I lived in Utah for 10 years. It can be almost sugar-shock inducingly nice. Utah IS a "Pretty, Great State," as they say.
You been reading the Salt Lake Tribune? Robert Kirby has also been covering the vital bathroom beat. Today he has a report on the Official Olympic Porta-potties. Vital information is included therein. If you need anyone to explain Utah to you, he's your guy.
Hank Stuever: The Salt Lake Tribune has done a terrific job covering almost anything you can think of. They had a great piece today alleging that Olympics bigwig Mitt Romney (a Mormon) used the "F" word to a cop when he got stuck in a traffic jam. Horrors!!
Arlington, Va.:
My half-pipe song: "Consciousness Raising As A Social Tool" by The Pursuit of Happiness
If that was already taken, well, then, "Politically Correct" by SR-71.
I want to know if the Canadian pair is really having as much post-debacle fun as the perky newscasters say they are? I mean, come on. Let the sportsmanship crap go. Go club the Russians in the knee or something!
Hank Stuever: I love how figure skaters have that distinct ability to say the opposite of what's really on their minds. It's like living in Washington ... also reminds me of covering Miss America last year.
Is your fur real or fake?:
I really don't care, just thought I would ask.
Hank Stuever: Hey, I shaved today!
Herndon, Va.:
If you run into any speed skaters, could you ask them what the heck appeals to them about their sport? I mean talk about back strain! And they get those jumbo thighs. I need some insight on their thinking.
Hank Stuever: I need some insight into ALL of these people and the pain they put themselves through. The aerialists are covered with bruises all the time. The figure skaters need hip replacement surgery at age 20. The speed skaters are in excruciating pain. Can't everybody just agree to back off a little? Relax. Go see a movie.
Washington, D.C.:
What logos are you wearing right now and where?
Hank Stuever: There's a little red Diesel jeans logo on my jeans pocket and I'm going to rip them off right now and burn them!!
Washington, D.C.:
Did you see the footage from the opening ceremony of Bush getting that athlete's cell phone jammed in his ear, presumably to say "hi" to the 'rents back in Akron? Are they all so tacky? By the way, I loved Bush's look of annoyance, which is the first thing I've loved about him -- ever!
Hank Stuever: We've already seen an athlete on the gold medal pedastal get on his cell phone!! That pretty much seals it: we'll all be wearing phones 24-7 in about two years. Even I, sadly, have been compelled to carry a celly the whole Olympics and it's already gotten me out of two jams. Speaking of George Bush's ears, here's something I learned in Austin: Man has ear hair, bad.
Curious:
Hank, did you also come to the Post from Florida?
Hank Stuever: Remarkably, I don't have Miami cred like many of my Post colleagues. I also didn't go to an Ivy League school. I expect to be fired momentarily.
Velma??!!:
Hi Hank, I'm the one who's looking for an Olympic sport. Curling sounds OK, but I don't like to clean. Doesn't curling involve brooms?
Hank Stuever: Yes, curling is official sponsored by Merry Maids, Mop-n-Glo and the new Pledge Swiffer.
Adams-Pleasant, Washington, D.C.:
Half-pipe song: El Matador by Los Fabulosos Cadillacs. If that doesn't kick-start your engine...
Hank Stuever: nice!
I'm going to pick a dance song now: "Velvet Pants" by Propellerheads.
Gaithersburg, Md.:
My half-pipe song: "Mississippi Queen," by Mountain. It might not be long enough for a whole routine, but that doesn't matter; I'm old enough I'm gonna wipe out and break a leg in about 30 seconds anyway.
Hank Stuever: Sadly, we all would. I think something slow and inept would be more appropriate for amateur half-pipe. I choose "That little Sports Car" by the Shaggs.
Arlington, Va.:
So the NBC fire isn't real? Cant they spring for kindling?
Hank Stuever: There's this strange obsession with TV and the Olympics to make it seem like the whole thing takes place at the foot of the hill and nice ski lodge. "Today" is actually at the Canyons Lodge in park city, I believe, so maybe their fire is real. Remember, we all have a fire within. (Why does the Olympics motto make me think of fart jokes???)
I.T.B.:
I think I'd want some Rev. Horton Heat for my snowboard song, but I can't decide which. Any tips? Maybe "Living on the Edge of Houston?" No, wait! I know, I'd give some props to the local boys and go with the Nation of Ulysses' "Maniac Dragstrip." (Also, if you like curling, you should spend some time watching Canadian TV. There's this one channel that seems to show nothing but.)
Hank Stuever: At least Canadian tv has naughtier commercials!
Half-Pipe Song?:
"I Fought the Law and the Law Won." Hands down. No question.
Hank Stuever: You rebel!
Somewhere, USA:
By the way, what's up with Phillipe Candolaro -- where is he? I thought his choice of music when he skated at the Olympics was fantastic (Theme from The Godfather).
Hank Stuever: Surely he's on the Campbell's Soup skating circuit. Or playing Cookie Monster on ice.
Columbia, Md.:
How'd you get so cute?
Hank Stuever: Training! Hard work! Olympic Ideals!
Washington, D.C.:
Hank,
I love your coolly disaffected takes on the Olympics. I was in Salt Lake City this past fall, and it took us almost an hour to find a place that serves pancakes. Have you had as much trouble as we did? Granted, we were looking at one in the afternoon, when most people were preparing to go to bed.
Hank Stuever: The food has been unremarkable, even in chi-chi Park City. I did have some nice salmon fajitas and a caribou burrito at one place. Oh, and I had a Teriyaki Chicken Bowl that made me very happy at a place called Kenji's down by the depressing Bud World Pavilion.
Ellicott City, Md.:
NBC is a bunch of hoseheads. They are allowing HD.NET and the digital signals of their affliates to show the Olympics in high definition but it's delayed by a day. To make it even worse, its figure skating all the time. To watch their so-called 'live' event it's an analog transmission. Just a rant.
Has SLC relaxed the alcohol laws? I remember ordering a mixed drink and it took about 20 minutes for the waitress to get the key for the liquor cabinet.
Hank Stuever: Ah, the laments of the techno-advanced.
Booze in Salt Lake hasn't been too much of a problem, but just in case, the French and Italians actually shipped their own truckloads of wine, panicked that they would have to go without. The beer is 3.2 percent (watered down by half), so that's a fast way to bloat for a small buzz. I'm more fascinated by the OTHER laws here: penetrationless porn! duct tape on strippers! that kind of thing ...
Vienna, Va.:
In light of the scandals surrounding the way that Salt Lake City got the contract in the first place, WHY is no one boycotting the Olympics, ESPECIALLY the athletes and the news media? I for one absolutely refuse to watch it in any way. It is ludicrous for the world press and especially the athletes to be there as if nothing happened and everything is just hunky-dorey. Well, everything is NOT just hunkey-dorey, and to pretend that it is does the system no good in the long run. For the games to be getting the air time and international publicity they are getting is a real shame considering the corrupt way the negotiations were held. We will never have a honest selection process if the Olympic officials are not punished for their actions. Why are so many people watching the games?....I guess it goes back to what P.T. Barnum once said...."There's a sucker born every minute".
Hank Stuever: And suckers love to be licked. I would much rather cover a big-business, overthetop debacle extravaganza any day than an appropriate, understated global event of warmth and goodness.
Former Utahn:
Is the sushi place in Park City still there? It was fairly non-toxic, as I recall.
Hank Stuever: There are 100 sushi places in Park City. I guess it's easier to keep all that fish cold.
Somewhere, USA:
You look tan. What's that all about? Or is it special photography?
Hank Stuever: It's sunny here!
Lawton, Okla.:
Do you think your editors would let you cover the closing ceremonies? I'd much rather read your take on all the child of light business that I fear they'll bring back.
Hank Stuever: I dunno. That's so many days away right now, but I'd love to do something on it. Deadlines are sometimes a problem with late-night events and the two-hour time diff.
E-Guy:
Yo, Hankster, you better be careful about wearing that cap. Going out in public in such a thing is grounds for institutionalization in some states.
Hank Stuever: I could use a time-out. If they want to show me the inside of their mental hospitals, I'll go along, especially if pharmaceuticals could be involved. But please God let me keep my cozy hat.
Has anyone told you.....:
that you resemble the golfer, Phil Mickelson?
Hank Stuever: Is that bad or good?
Washington, D.C.:
How do you pronounce your last name?
Hank Stuever: A thousand different ways.
I'm Hank Stuever, rhymes with J. Edgar Hoover.
NOT: Hank Stoyver, Steeeever, Stevens, Stuart, Struedel, Stouffer.
Silver Spring, Md.:
Favorite Olympic Fashion Moment: Opening ceremony -- the Russian women had MUFFS!
Where can I get one?
Halfpipe Song: Capital Radio by the Clash
Hank Stuever: Must ... resist ... making ... nasty ... joke.
Hey, wow, we're outta time. I'm going to type about figure skating now. Thanks everyone for joining me, and remember, it doesn't matter who wins!!
washingtonpost.com:
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