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Post Magazine
This Week:
Father of the Bride
With Paula Span
Washington Post Staff Writer
Monday, March 25, 2002; 1 p.m. EST

Steve Morello was supposed to walk his daughter Jessica down the aisle. Then he never came home from the World Trade Center. And Jessica's wedding suddenly seemed trivial. "For the last year and a half, it was all we had talked about," she said. "All of a sudden, it was a waste of time. All those hours I spent in some store, looking for the right color of something, I could have been talking to him." Eventually, though, she went ahead with the marriage.

Paula Span, whose article "Father of the Bride" appeared in Sunday's Washington Post Magazine, was Monday, March 25 at 1 p.m. EST, to field questions and comments about the article.

Span is a Washington Post Magazine staff writer.

A transcript follows.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

Chicago, Ill.: I just have to tell you -- your article was wonderful. It brought me to tears. The tragedy of Sept. 11 was such a tremendous national tragedy that sometimes we lose the sense of individual human tragedy that each death caused. Stories like this remind us what was actually lost that day: beloved parents, siblings, children and friends.

Another reason that your story affected me so much is that I myself am getting married in a few months. I can't imagine what it would be like not to have one of my parents there with me. How brave of Jessica Morello to go on.

Paula Span: Thanks for joining us, everyone.

And thanks for your kind words. I agree, Jessica and her family -- and so many others -- do exhibit real courage. They don't deny the gravity of what happened or their own grief, but they try not to let it stop them from doing what's important and meaningful to them.

They recently observed what would have been Steve Morello's 53rd birthday, by the way, at the family viewing platform at Ground Zero.

Alexandria, Va.: Do you believe that the public is slowly forgetting Sept. 11?

Do any families of victims express concern that the public has a short memory and will forget about Sept. 11 someday?

Paula Span: I imagine we'll start to see some public opinion polls about this pretty soon, don't you?

Obviously we can't remain indefinitely in the state most of us were in back in September; we'd be unable to function well or make progress in our lives, individually or collectively.

But yes, I think the families are worried that this will all fade, especially if there are no further mass attacks. That's why some groups of victims' families are advocating that the entire World Trade Center site become a memorial. That's not going to happen, but you can see their anxiety.

Harrisburg, Pa.: To many, the events of the terrorist attacks have caused us to reevaluate the importance of various things in our lives. While things like a wedding may appear more trivial, there were many others who reevaluated their lives and made commitments in their lives. To these people, a wedding took on greater importance. This may be more of an observation than a question, yet do you find major differences in how people conducted and concluded their evaluations of what is important in their lives after Sept. 11?

Paula Span: There must be about 200 million or so different responses to the impact of September 11 and our sense of what matters afterwards. And of course, our individual feelings shift with time. What we thought was important on September 10 and November 10 lessens or intensifies by March 10.

The Morellos were pretty sure, after about seven or eight weeks, that they wanted to proceed with the wedding. Other things have changed, though. Eileen, initially so aloof from politics and public occasions, is now going through the interviewing procedure to be one of the family members selected to make a statement at the trial of the alleged terrorist in Virginia. If you'd told her in October or November that she'd be doing this, I'm sure she would've been astonished.

Arlington, Va.: My question is, why doesn't this woman get a job? I am angry that tax money is being paid to these people; what about familes lost in war? They are as important as 9-11 lost lives. I am all for the donations going to the victims familes but for working people to have their taxes used in this fashion is simply wrong. Paying for houses and weddings for grown children is an outrage and I am outraged.

Paula Span: I was anticipating some questions and comments like this. There is a backlash in some quarters about the money being given to victims' families, both by charities and by the federal compensation fund.

The outpouring of charity from around the world, unprecedented in its amount and intensity, I think shows that thousands and thousands of people wanted to help these families in any way they could. Speaking as one who sent a check to the United Way myself, I didn't attach strings as to what a recipient should use it for. As long as there was enough for people who genuinely lost homes and jobs -- and there does seem to be enough, though sometimes it's been slow in arriving -- it was okay with me if a widow wanted to use a contribution for a family wedding or Thanksgiving weekend at a spa. I could see how other people might feel differently.

Pittsburgh, Pa.: I thoroughly enjoyed your article, and theirs is truly a sad story. I do, however, have issues with the Red Cross covering some of Jennifer's wedding costs. Sure, no one should have had to go through what they did, but that was a bit much, I thought.

On another note, how did you find this family? And did you follow them around for a few months?

Paula Span: Actually, it was the United Way that covered some of the wedding costs. In both cases, those charities used considerable latitude in giving grants to victims' families: they didn't say "car insurance is okay" or "plumbing bills are not okay" or "pay for your own wedding." They asked families to submit their most pressing expenses and issued checks, up to a certain amount, and allowed families to decide themselves how to allocate the grants. Consider what a bureaucratic nightmare it would have been to rule on the legitimacy of each phone or gas bill. This was probably more efficient.

San Diego, Calif.: I wonder what it must have been like for you to do this story. I mean, it must be hard. I know I had several emotions well up in me as I read this article. And I didn't really have anyone that was lost in any of the tragedies. I really feel like I want to meet this family because of your story. And I have to say that this was one of the best written articles I have seen in a long time.

Paula Span: Thank you.

Sure, I found myself getting emotional several times during the months the Morellos allowed me into their lives, even though I never met Steve Morello. Reporters are not immune from the responses the whole country feels, and because I live in New Jersey and work in New York, I'm sure I was affected.

We try to maintain some distance and balance in our work, but these cases where you spend so much time with people, where you know their families and inlaws and histories and in which drawer in the kitchen the knives are kept -- they're different from other kinds of reporting. You have to work to keep the boundaries straight, and you probably don't always succeed.

Pittsburgh, Pa.: I initially felt bad for the Morelli family, but as I continued to read your article, I began to feel more and more less sympathetic for them. I am sorry for all of the families who lost someone as a result of the 9/11 disaster, but what about the children who will never know their fathers and all of the women left to raise children without benefit of a mother or father? Mrs. Morelli has financial freedom, yet complains about the government placing a value on his life. People die in accidents everyday, just as sudden and horrific as 9/11 to their respective families, yet they receive no compensation from the government or extended benefit packages from their spouses' employers. Who takes care of them? The Morellis need to take a step back and count their blessings and quit being so negative.

Paula Span: I suspect this question will hover for a while. What do we owe the victims of these attacks? Are they entitled to be treated differently from families who lose loved ones in traffic accidents?

As a country, we initially decided that yes, we should do things for them we wouldn't do for other victims. Most of the victims were civilians, not soldiers or cops or firemen or even diplomatic employees -- they hadn't signed on for hazardous duty and they were killed because they happened to work in buildings that were worldwide symbols of U.S. military and economic power. And the attack was deliberate, which also feels different.

(And let's not forget that a major intent of the federal compensation fund was protecting the airline industry from potentially bankrupting lawsuits.)

Now we see some questioning of this initial impulse.

Let me clarify one matter, however. Eileen Morello is getting no more from her husband's insurance than he would probably have earned had he lived to retirement age. In fact, she would have been entitled to much more from his accident policy, except for the fact that so many Marsh & McLennan employees were killed that the amount exceed the insurance policy cap.

And any of this family would happily give back every single cent from every source if they could have their father back. It is compensation, but it doesn't really compensate.

Bethesda, Md.: I don't have a question; just a comment. I thought it was a wonderful article. There was no doubt that this is an exceptional, close, loving family and I felt every bit of their pain. Many thanks to the Morello family for sharing their hopes and their heartaches with us.

Paula Span: I thank them too.

When I first proposed this story to Eileen Morello in October -- after we had been together on the 12th of September and after the memorial service, which I attended just to pay respects, not as a reporter -- I wasn't sure at all that she'd agree to participate. And I certainly wouldn't have blamed her if she'd said, no thanks. Why, in the middle of this terrible time, would you want some stranger hanging around your family, asking you questions about things you might want to forget, delving into your past and your finances and your relationships? I probably would have said no, thanks, myself.

I think she and her children agreed precisely because of what one reader said earlier: they want people to know their father and husband, and they want people to remember that each person lost on that day was the center of the universe to those that loved him.

Virginia: Hello. Steve Morello's picture showed him young. Was this his latest picture?

Paula Span: Actually, it was a photo taken just about a year earlier, when his grandson was born. He was a youthful looking guy, kept his hair though it was graying, worked out daily. He was ...ummm... 50 or 51 at the time and he didn't look it, did he?

Arlington, Va.: "Why doesn't this woman just get a job?" Six months ago, the woman lost her husband of many years, her children lost a father AND she also dealt with the feelings of most Americans regarding a changed world and a lack of security. Give the woman a break.

Paula Span: That's the way I feel about it, too.

Of course I know her and what she's going through, but there are about 3000 families going through similar heartache and struggle -- and struggle is not only financial -- and I'd hesitate to tell them to stop whining and head down to the local employment office now.

Plus, this is not exactly an easy time for anyone to get a job.

Washington, D.C.: How accomodating/understanding were the agencies the family worked with (reception hall, band, florists, caterers etc.) regarding the changes that they obviously needed to make?

Paula Span: It took the Morellos a while to get all their various deposits back, but I think they eventually did. In the New York/New Jersey area particularly, people wanted to be helpful and compassionate when they had a chance.

Bethesda, Md.: It was a lovely story, and I certainly don't begrudge the family any of the money they received,and yes of course this was a tremendous tragedy and my heart goes out to the families and friends of the victims. But: Every day people die unexpectedly under tragic circumstances. Their families grieve no less, and in fact don't have the huge outpouring of support (both financial and emotional) that the Sept. 11 families have received. I'd really like to see a story about the family of someone who died on Sept. 11, but not from the terrorists' actions -- how are they coping? How has their experience been overwhelmed and perhaps minimized by the national experience? What sort of help are they getting?

Paula Span: That would be an interesting story, indeed.

I've wondered myself about this central question: was it harder to have your husband die at the World Trade Center than to have him die in a collision on the New Jersey Turnpike? Or in an embassy in Africa? Or on an ordinary plane crash?

In some ways, perhaps it actually was easier. More charitable and financial support, unquestionably. More acknowledgment of your loss. More help available, still: there are commercials on local TV stations all the time offering counseling services, and not only for those who lost family members and friends but for anyone in New York who feels depressed, anxious, messed up.

But I come back to this fact: He died because people deliberately highjacked planes and flew them into his office building, hoping to kill as many civilians as they could. This is unlike any other death, and it's the incalculable variable in the question. Because it's not a loss I experienced, I don't know how to evaluate the impact on grief. It's simply never happened before, not here.

Perhaps some sociological or psychological research team will head to the Middle East or Indonesia or Northern Ireland and do comparative studies of how families survive accidental deaths versus those caused by terrorism, and tell us the answer.

Frederick, Md.: Paula, your article was beautifully written. I had a good cry reading it! I'm so glad that Jessica found the strength to get on with their lives. I was very sorry to read that Steven's marriage was breaking up because of the events, and wish that they could be able to turn to each other instead of away from each other.

I'm hoping Eileen reads this: You should be so proud of yourself! I don't know how I could go on if I were in her shoes.

Paula Span: Eileen will see this later, so she'll know of your good wishes.

I know Steven feels very sad, too, about his marriage foundering. He had his father's example of sticking with a spouse through hard times, and he wanted to emulate it. He and his wife had not been together long, and when there are cracks in a relationship, as you say, a trauma like this can draw people closer or it can tear them apart.

Paula Span: By the way, for people who are asking how to contact the Morellow directly:

I don't feel comfortable posting their email or actual address in this public forum, but the Bayonne Fire Department has kindly offered to serve as an intermediary. If you want to send letters or expressions of sympathy, whatever, write to

Helping Hands
Bayonne Fire Department
630 Avenue C
Bayonne, N.J. 07002

and note that the letter or package is for the Morello family.

Oh, and to that very kind man from Annandale, name unknown, who was heading for a vacation in Hilton Head, South Carolina, and personally took a copy of the Post Magazine to Steven Morello before his own copies had arrived in the mail: you are a prince.

Washington, D.C.: Early in your story, you write that a "Good Samaritan" claimed that Steve Morelli was at one of the hospitals. This was unfortunately, untrue, as it turned out. This got me to wondering -- were there all kinds of loony-bins out there claiming these kinds of things? What a horrific thing to put any family through.

Paula Span: Thing were so chaotic that day. I'm sure there were various nuts involved in various ways. And even, as we've subsequently seen, some people actively trying to defaud.

But this woman was genuinely trying to do a service, it seems. It's not clear to me why she thought Steve Morello was at St. Clare's when he wasn't, but there was a patient with a similar though not identical name, which could be the explanation. She later called the family and apologized. I don't think she intended to cause them more suffering.

"Why didn't she get a job?": Plus, the woman has a diagnosed emotional disorder, Bipolar. Under the best of circumstances, this is something to be managed. I can't imagine how it would be rocked by her husband's death, the wedding of her youngest daughter and moving out of the house, etc. That's a LOT of life changes going on all at one time, even for a healthy person. I echo the earlier comment, "Give this woman a break."

Paula Span: True.

Clifton, N.J.: There seems to be some backlash against some of the victim's families. Do they have awareness of this? Some people feel they are overreaching, and shouldn't be treated all that differently than victims of other tragedies. Is your family politically involved in these victims groups? Are they aware of the criticisms? Do you have any comments about them?

Paula Span: Steven Morello has been very willing to make public comments about various issues related to victims' families, and Eileen is getting more involved: she'd like to attend the upcoming Virginia trial as a representative of victims' families. I believe 30 will be selected to speak for the group.

I don't know how long Eileen, in particular, wants to pursue a semi-public role. It's not really her nature. But if she does want to, I feel pretty sure that she won't be deterred by this backlash. She'll do what she thinks is right.

Chicago, Ill.: Your story is inspiring, reminding us that life goes on after a tragedy, and we should all do our best to carry forward in a way our loved ones would have wanted.

Paula Span: Thanks.

We are all still grappling with this event and its consequences, I think. And it's not surprising that we are not all coming to the identical conclusion about how to think about these losses, what's owed and what's not, how best to comfort those who are grieving.

But I'm glad for this forum in which we can talk about these issues. Thank you for being here.

washingtonpost.com:

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