Rita Kempley (Craig Cola/ washingtonpost.com)

• Film Talk Archive • Recent reviews by Rita Kempley • Halloween Guide • Movies Section • Talk: Entertainment message boards • Live Online Transcripts • Subscribe to washingtonpost.com e-mail newsletters • mywashingtonpost. com -- customized news, traffic, weather and more

It's Halloween and that means it's time for medium madame Rita Kempley to enable you to communicate with the dearly departed stars of the Hollywood movie machine. Come join the roundtable to conjure up those tinsel town favs who've gone on to that great cineplex in the sky.

Kempley was online Thursday, Oct. 31 at 2 p.m. ET, to call up and commune with those long-gone film stars you love.

A transcript follows.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

Hell: Who knew you could still be frozen in Hell!

Uncle Walt

Rita Kempley: Walt, did you Shrek? Was that a kick in the head or what?

The nation's capital far, far above....: I vant to be alone.....

Rita Kempley: Far, far above: So I take you are down yonder with Walt.

River Phoenix, Jamming with Hillel Slovak: Hello Rita. Today is the 9th anniversary of my last day and I'd like to remind everyone to party responsibly tonight.

On the subject of film, did you ever get a chance to see my last film, "Dark Blood?" I'd be interested to hear your thoughts. Did you think it was scary?

Rita Kempley: Hello River: Re: I laughed, I cried, I plotzed.

Federico Fellini, Rotting in Rimini: Oh boy, don't get me started on Mussolini! Italian directors and people dying on Halloween? Hey that's me on both counts! I suppose that's why it's so easy to break through the veil between worlds today. Bava, save some of that wine for me!

Ciao!

Rita Kempley: Frederico: Did you have a chance to catch the remake of "Swept Away?" Anyway, I here Madonna is thinking of doing a remake of "La Strada."

Richard Harris: They play "MacArthur Park" all the time around here. You think I didn't make it to the good place?

Rita Kempley: Elevator music in hell. Yes, you took the wrong exit my friend.

Hollywood Hills: James Dean here. Just fyi, I almost made that turn, you know.

Rita Kempley: Thanks for clearing that up. But you know what they say about almost.

Madonna: Greetings all...oh wait a minute...I'm not dead.

Just my movie career. It committed suicide this past month.

Rita Kempley: I didn't realize that it had ever come to life.

George Burns and Gracie Allen --: Gracie, what do you think of Frank Gorshin playing me?
Oh, George, he can't play you, he's in New York and we're up here!

Rita Kempley: I'm guessing there aren't a lot of opportunities to do stand up in the wild blue yonder. Timings a little off, sweetie.

Hunka hunk of burning love: 'Nana and peanut butter sandwiches don't have the same mouth feel in the Great Beyond! Enjoy them while you can!

Rita Kempley: I'm guessing those sequined suits are sagging on you.

Judy Garland: Can someone -please- tell my daughter that the guy is Gay, Gay, Gay.

Rita Kempley: Will do.

Heather O'Rourke, Stuck in the T.V.: Mommy?

Rita Kempley: Mommy's busy honey. Go talk to daddy.

Denver, Colo.: Hello dollface: The Great One here. Did you catch that TV movie about me with the "raymond" kid playing Yours Truly? He was not half bad.

But Kempley, what I want to discuss with you sweetheart is the fact that "Smokey and the Bandits III" was entirely underrated.
-Jackie Gleason
p.s. No hangover in heaven!

Rita Kempley: People are always asking me what is my favorite movie. Well the cat's out of the bag, big guy. "Smokey 3," baby.

Vincent Minnelli: So, what if he's gay, gay, gay?! You didn't seem to mind.

Rita Kempley: Right on, Vince.

Looking over . . .: So NOW it's fashionable to be Latina!
--Rita Hayworth

Rita Kempley: Yes, so you wouldn't have had to pluck your uni-brow or had all of that electrolysis. They've got the laser now.

Marilyn Monroe: Right behind you:: For the record I wasn't naked, I was wearing earrings.

Rita Kempley: Thanks for setting the record straight. Is it true that all blondes go to heaven?

The Gabor Family: Zsa Zsa! Hurry up, dahling! Eva, Magda and Mamma miss you so.

Rita Kempley: I'm sure she will be there as soon as she decides which wig to be buried in.

The Duke: Actually, I'm into aroma therapy, handmade soaps, yoga, needlepoint and alternative herbal medicine these days. And hot, spiced apple cider! MMM! And, no, we really should not invade Iraq. Thank you. --The "new" John Wayne. P.S.--Did you see "The Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood?" Wonderful film! If I were alive today, that would be the type of film the "new" John Wayne would star in! Exquisite!

Rita Kempley: Okay, Martha, cut the crap.

Bob Crane: I am a serious Photo-Journalist

Rita Kempley: Your body of work is imposing.

Charlotte, NC: Here's what is scaring me on this Halloween -- no one on any chat has heard from EraserheadGuy for weeks. What if he's, you know, gone to the beyond? Will he use your seance to finally clear up the mystery for us?

Rita Kempley: Charlotte: Aside from the sight of myself in a thong bikini, that is the scariest thing ever. I fear that may be the case. We miss you, E-Guy.

Clark Gable: I did NOT have bad breath!

Rita Kempley: I heard it was denture breath.

Mrs. Robert Blake: I should've known something was up. That prick always hated Italian.

Rita Kempley: Mrs. B: What prick?

Rock Hudson: Hey Jesse Helms, everyone up here is gay. You're gonna love it!

Rita Kempley: Do you ever run into Liberace?

Miami Beach: Actually, the scariest thing would be Bob Levey in a thong bikini.

Hugs,
Gianni Versace

Rita Kempley: Thanks for the vote of confindence.

Liberace: I own a piece of the Rock!

Rita Kempley: Ooh la la

Lassie: Somebody help me out up here. They've got me saving every little angel that falls off a cloud. I'm tired of this crap.

Rita Kempley: Maybe you could trade off with Rin Tin Tin from time to time.

Alec Guiness: A careerful of A-1 movies, top-notch acting, drama galore, and now I find out that, truly, the Force will always be with me (and my legacy).

It's as if a million voices cried out in fear, and were suddenly silenced ...

Rita Kempley: It beats, "Beam me up, Scotty," don't you think.?

John Belushi: Hey.. my bro's been online pretending he's me and that he's dead. It's John man!!!

Rita Kempley: The ultimate in sibling rivalry.

Bedford Falls: Ah, ah, ah, I'll volunteer for that Senate seat in Minnesota, by gosh, and no political machine will keep me from doing what's right.

Rita Kempley: Mr. Smith, you would be most welcome in Washington.

Sonny Bono: I don't need platforms to be taller now.

Rita Kempley: But don't your wings drag on the floor?

Cary Grant: Greetings, dear Rita. Do you happen to have Mark Walhberg and Adam Sandler's home addresses?

Rita Kempley: Send your url to Rocci and I'll give them to you after the show.

Michael Landon, A Little House on The Highway To Heaven : Hey, It's my birthday! Just want you to admit it Rita. When you first saw "I Was A Teenage Werewolf" you were more than a little turned on, yes?

Rita Kempley: Happy birthday to you. I do like a man with hair on his chest.

Bette Davis: I don't care what anyone says, Ronald Coleman still kisses like a dead owl.

Rita Kempley: Sounds like a real hoot.

Lassie: Yo, Lassie who wrote in before: the rest of us Lassies up here can deal with it, so stop your yapping. Just because you got less airtime than the rest of us, you don't have to be so bitter.

Rita Kempley: Yeah, what a bitch.

Elvis: The "King" is in the house! It wouldn't be a seance without me! Wait, am I dead or just fat, old and in Arkansas hiding out? Elvis has left the building...

Rita Kempley: Are you in the parking lot of a Dairy Queen? That would be heaven.

A dead owl: Hey, some of us are sensational kissers.

Rita Kempley: Even without lips. Remarkable

Rita Kempley: There are still a lot of messages coming through, soe we're going to hang for a while if you want to join in.

Harry Houdini: Just checking in to say "hi". I've got a lot of stops to make at many seances. I'm like Santa on X-mas.

Rita Kempley: Thanks for rattling our chains.

Kingstowne, Va.: Ms. Kempley, how about summoning the Spirit of Hollywood Casting Agents to tell us what in the name of good entertainment Owen Wilson is doing starring in a movie (any movie?) Good gosh, he is painful to watch as an "actor" and as an alleged heartthrob. If women are forced by Hollywood to "fix" their perceived physical shortcomings through the miracle of cosmetic surgery, why is young Owen allowed to have his schnoz on the side of a bus, and on the big screen, without anyone saying, "Good god, man, have some decency and downsize that nasal protuberance!" Is there a double standard at work here? (And I'm a hetero guy, by the way!) Thanks.

Rita Kempley: Kingstowne:
It's hard to watch Owen without thinking what he would look like if he got his nose fixed. I find it very distracting.

Gable again: Bad breath. . . denture breath. . .whatEVER. Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn!

Rita Kempley: I think you are in denial, Clark. If you didn't give a damn why keep bringing it up?

Cary Grant via a medium in London: Rita, Rita, Rita ... Greetings from the Green Room in the sky! Though it’s all white actually -- just like "Friends". Yes we get TV up here: "Six Feet Under" is simply enchanting darling. But I digress from my question. I hear that some cheeky young chap called Mark Wahlberg has been making a Charlie of himself in a remake of one of my best movies. On the old charm-o-meter how does he rate. Me being the tops and Rob Scheider being the bottoms.

Rita Kempley: I'd rank him somewhere between Gary Coleman and Zazu Pitts.

Tinseltown Heaven: I wish to settle this issue once and for all for everyone: I am dead. I have been dead. I am staying dead.
Sincerely,
Elvis Presley
P.S. Abe Vigoda, now, he's still alive.

Rita Kempley: If you say so.

Greenland: Dear Madame,

Taking into account that I'm a very large man (At last measurement -- 7 feet 5 inches), would you have recommended me for any other role than Fezzik in the Princess Bride? I was thinking that I would have made an excellent Humperdink, but maybe I'm wrong.

By the way -- people don't look at me strange here . . .

Love,
Andre

Rita Kempley: Andre: I am so sorry that your career was cut short. I''m thinking you would make a marvelous Hulk.

Heaven: RVita darling...what I started to say...I vant to be alone..
but zen the interruptions...

but seeing the vonderful group of stars that come down and up for your czyber szeance..makes me vant to come and be vith you darling....

You bring out za best in everyone!!!
kiss, kiss....Marzlena Zditrick

Rita Kempley: Tank you zarling.

DeForrest Kelley: Our Star Trek show had the most sex. Of course, I didn't get any.

Rita Kempley: You were always too busy sucking up to the captain. What was that about?

Herndon, Va.: BELOVED QUEEN OF THE LIVING: Ramon Navarro here -- so now it's actually OK to come out?

Rita Kempley: Dear Ramon: Why do you think everybody wears those long flowing robes?

Herndon, Va.: Martha Stewart, to just say, I may appear to be with you, the living, but I know I'm dead!!

Rita Kempley: The era of the spray-painted articoke has passed us by.

Rod Steiger, Haunting the Hollywood Hills: I'm not sure wht to make of it Ms. Kempley, but both Capone and Mussolini have been very friendly to me in the afterlife, offering me praise for my portrayal of them. Mussolini asked if he could hold my Oscar. He said, "Wow, it's heavier than it looks!" Everybody says that though. Anyway, any thoughts on my career from the Unusual Suspects?

Rita Kempley: I didn't know you were allowed to bring stuff with you in the afterlife.

Jean Harlow, her own little corner of Heaven: Queen Rita, this fellow called MagnoliaGuy from Alex., Va., said you could let all the good people out there know that my movies from the 1930s are worth seeking out on video. I can't believe everyone thinks I was just the Marilyn Monroe of the 1930s! I am so much funnier and smarter than her -- how dare they? Hope you and your readers enjoy Bombshell and Red-Headed Woman and Dinner at Eight and Red Dust and Libeled Lady and...gotta go -- William Powell said he may finally marry me -- only been dating him for a few lifetimes up here already!

Rita Kempley: All the best on the nuptials.

Gene Siskel: Roeper isn't as good as I was.

Rita Kempley: I'll say. Thumbs down, baby.

John Geilgud --: MADONNA playing in a London Theater? I'll just roll over.

Rita Kempley: Sounds like a good idea. Wouldn't want to get stiff would you?

Jack Benny: I'm STILL 39.

Rita Kempley: Me too.

Vivien Leigh, Tara: Fiddle-dee-dee. It seems like I sent in a post similar to this last year. All we are STILL talking about now is war, war, war. Makes me lose my barbecue.

And now an extra sales tax for roads? I can't even pay the taxes on Tara without begging for money from Rhett while wearing my finest window treatments.

Tell Melanie that Rhett, Ashley, Mammy and the gang say hi.

Rita Kempley: Viv, I've heard shades are all the rage in the afterlife.

Fairfax, Va.: Can you put a message through to Fatty Arbuckle, telling him we still love him?

Rita Kempley: Consider it done.

Spencer Tracy: Has anyone seen Kate H lately? I expected her here by now! So looking forward to being together at last. . .

Rita Kempley: Sadly, she hasn't checked in.

Miss Edie the Egg Lady: Hello Rita!
May I speak for the whole room and thank you for hosting your annual seance? It's the best thing about October!!
Bye, dear.

Rita Kempley: My pleasure, Miss Edie.

Necropolis, MD (home of the newly wed and the nearly dead): It's me, dear Queen, Sidney Greenstreet. I'm running a men's Big and Tall shop over here, playing cards with Bogie and Lorre a couple times a week. Just wanted you to know I saw Guy Ritchie's career checking in last week at Hotel Dead.

Rita Kempley: Sidney: I'm guessing the career asked for a double.

Lassie: Here Kitty Kitty Kitty!!!!!!

Rita Kempley: Bad, doggie.

Vincent Price: Hello, it's Vincent Price, children. And it's Halloween. You know those shadows that you see in the hallways at 3 a.m., and those fleeting shadows out behind the house, near the garage, in the bushes, when it gets dark, and those crisp, chill breezes that somehow strangely appear through the house when you're home alone on those quiet, cold, gray Sunday afternoons, when everyone else is miles away and you wonder if you're really, really alone ... Well, those are ghosts, you know. And you're not alone. And, sometimes, it's me, and I'm pretending to be Dr. Phibes! Ah, hahahahahah. Ah, hahahah! Ah, I love Halloween! Now, carry on. --Vincent, or, maybe, Dr. Phibes.

Rita Kempley: Thanks for scaring.

HAL 9000: It's almost 2003. Hasn't Pan Am started those flights to the space station yet? I've been trying to reach you by Bell System Videophone too.

Rita Kempley: I hate to be the one to tell you, but Pan Am went under.

Erroll Flynn, Fatty Arbuckle, Charles Laughton: Yes, we're all very happy together, thank you.

Rita Kempley: Thanks for getting back to us, Fatty

Richard Harris: And I'm telling you right now, it didn't take long for Burton and Gielgud to find me and gimme a hard time about this Harry Potter stuff. But I reared back and gave Burton a punch, just like the old days, and he got up and laughed and we went off with Marilyn and Judy and Richardson and Larry and just drank ourselves silly -- just like the old days! (Burton says he's going to marry Elizabeth again when she gets here -- now THAT will be a party!) --Richard.

Rita Kempley: Thanks for getting back to us so soon, Richard.

Joan Crawford: Rita, dear, would you please be a darling and hand me that hanger there? Yes, that one, the wooden one. Oh, no, of course not, I don't want it for THAT, darling -- I'm just hanging up my newest evening dress. Oh, that book nonsense was just rubbish -- and I've settled down so much here in the afterlife. Hangers are just for hanging clothes now. Why, I even get together with Bette once a week now to play bridge. Although I have to say, I still look much better than her. Thank you, darlings, and do watch "Johnny Guitar" when you get the chance. Ta-ta!

Rita Kempley: Joan, What with everyone coming out of the closet and all, I'd think you'd be positively swimming in hangers up there.

Davy Jones' Locker: Glub glub gurggle. Bluh-gubble glub glubble
glurgle glub.

Glub,
Natalie Wood

Rita Kempley: Natalie: I think your cellphone is out of range.

Orson Welles: I will sell no wine before its time. But I will drink it by the jugfull along with wheels of brie. Oh wait. The brie part is Marlon Brando's.

Rita Kempley: Besides, you can't really drink brie.

Divine: Cut the crap EGuy and let folks know you're okay.

Rita Kempley: Yeah.

Chris Farley: There'll be plenty of time for a seance when you're livin' in a VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!

Now where's David Spade? We gotta get together over lobster and vodka to discuss our next project.

Rita Kempley: Sorry, Chris, But David Spade isn't dead, he just looks like he is.

Hogan: Greg Kinnear? Are you kidding me?

Rita Kempley: Well, it beats Brad Garret as Gleason.

Rita Kempley: I've got to gut the pumpkin and fluff the broom.

Rest in peace til we meet again.

Automatically Update Page    |   Get New Responses   |   Submit Question