Shopping: Wedding Gifts
With Janet Bennett
washingtonpost.com Shopping Producer
Wednesday, June 19, 2002; 2 p.m. EDT

Going to the chapel as a guest? If you waited until the last thing left on the registry is the Limoges teapot for $700, it's time to get creative. We'll talk about how to do that and where you can find some great resources right in your neighborhood.

Shopping for a last minute wedding gift? Join washingtonpost.com Shopping editor Janet Bennett to talk about shopping for the perfect wedding gift within your budget.

Below the transcript follows.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

Janet Bennett: Hi, all and welcome. The subject is wedding gifts, and since we've got lots of questions, let's begin!

Arlington, Va.: Buying a gift for a friend off the registry seems so impersonal--but do people prefer you just get them what they requested, rather than trying to be more personal w/an independently thought up gift?

Janet Bennett: Good question, Arlington. I think the answer is that it depends on your relationship with the friend. I knew that my best friend, who got married two years ago, really wanted something she had listed on her registry, so rather than trying to reinvent the wheel in this case, I just got her the copper casserole she was coveting. Not terribly personal, but she was thrilled.

Pasadena, Md.: What should the mother of the bride wear to a formal wedding? I've received such varying reports on this.

Janet Bennett: Hi, Pasadena,

Don't know what varying reports you've heard, but it seems to me that if it's a black-tie wedding, then the mother of the bride should wear a long dress.

Somewhere, USA -- Recent bride: Today's my one month anniversary! And I just finished my thank you cards! A quick tip for gift givers-- if you order off a Web site or store registry, PLEASE be sure that a card or your name is somehow included. We have one gift that was mailed to us w/o a card and we now "get" to ask a couple of folks if it's from them. From my hubbie's relatives, so he gets to do this....

Janet Bennett: Thanks for that suggestion, recent bride. With the amount of stuff you have to fill in when you're ordering online, I can understand that people sometimes unwittingly don't include a gift card.

Great Falls, Va.: What about buying a gift for your Best Friend who is getting married and WOULD appreciate a gift that was more sentimental rather than something straight off of the registry? Any ideas?

Janet Bennett: One good idea I've just heard about is framing the invitation. Not enough? How about compiling a photo album of all your good times together?

Vienne, Va.: I heard it is within proper wedding etiquette for a wedding gift to be sent up to a year after the wedding. Is this true?

Janet Bennett: I have heard the same thing, but personally I think that seems like an awfully long interval between the event and when the gift arrives.

Last minute bridal shopper in Arlington, Va.: Perfect timing! I'm going to 3 weddings this weekend, and only have gifts for 2! I know the bride pretty well, but we're friends from college, so I really don't know much about her current taste or decor, and everything she's registered for is so boring (I know everyone needs towels and toaster ovens, but they're just not much fun to wrap up as wedding gifts!) She's very practical and down-to-earth, so I can't really see getting her a frilly crystal bud vase-type gift. I thought of a nice fondue set, but they're evidently harder to find in the summer...

I'm hoping to spend around $50-60 (though I would spend up to $80 on the perfect present).

Thanks so much for having this chat!

Janet Bennett: I was in Williams-Sonoma yesterday, and they have lots of great things, but what I liked the best was this countertop indoor grill by DeLonghi. It's great to be able to barbecue in the winter. The price is $79.95.

Fairfax, Va.: A tested-and-loved suggestion for people who don't want to give cash but can't figure out an item to give. I've given Ticketmaster Gift Certificates many times, and all who received them just absolutely LOVED them. A lot of newlyweds don't have the budget yet for an Event out, but this lets them do that and have some time to themselves at a concert, play, sporting event, etc.

Janet Bennett: Thanks, Fairfax, smart suggestion.

Silver Spring, Md.: This is perfect timing. I'm going to a family wedding in 3 weeks and my siblings and I would like to give a group gift - somewhere in the range of $200-300. But the gifts on their registry seem so impersonal: towels, glassware, pots and pans. Any suggestions? I want them to say "Wow what a great/useful gift," nothing too schmaltshy.

Janet Bennett: The items on the registry may seem impersonal to you, but they're the things your family relatives want. If you want them to say, "Wow, what a great/useful gift," I would consider looking for something that they've have already picked out.

Washington, D.C.: We are considering holding our wedding at an intimate temple. The only problem is that we are limited to 100 people attending the wedding. Is there a tactful way to invite close friends and relatives to the wedding and reception, and everyone
else to just the reception? What is the
etiquette in this sort of situation?

washingtonpost.com: Join washingtonpost.com's Entertainment Guide staff tomorrow Thursday, June 20 at 2 p.m. EDT for a Got Plans? Wedding Special to talk about the best venues for weddings, receptions and honeymoon plans in the Washington area.

Janet Bennett: I'm not sure what the etiquette is, but if you've only got so much space and that's where you really want to get married ... I had a similar situation and had to keep the number of people I invited to the ceremony down to a reasonable number. For more insight, listen in to tomorrow's discussion at 2 p.m.

Arlington, Va.: Several guests at our wedding did not get us gifts (about 6 couples). Is there a tactful way of finding out if their gifts were either lost or stolen at the reception or if they simply didn't get us anything?

Virginia: RE: nameless gifts purchased from online registry

This happened to me a couple of times. I found that if I called the store, they would always tell me who sent the gift. This was true both at Kitchen etc. and Mikasa. Good Luck!

Janet Bennett: There you go, Arlington, a tactful solution.

Washington, D.C.: What's the deal with shower gifts and wedding gifts? Recently some friends of mine have mentioned being stretched out because of having to buy both a shower and a wedding gift. I've always thought that there was just one gift to be given -- to clebrate the happy marriage -- and that the shower was merely one vehicle through which your wedding gift could be given. If you attend a shower, you give your gift then; if not, you send it to the couple in advance of the wedding.

I know that technically you're not obligated to give any gift at all, and that the couple shouldn't expect anyone to give them a gift, but really -- if you are invited to both the shower and the wedding are you "supposed" to give two separate gifts? That seems some new invention, as I don't recall anyone doing that for either of my sisters when they got married 18 and 20 years ago. I didn't have a shower when I got married, so I have no idea whether people would have given me two gifts, but I'm wondering whether I've been committing some terrible faux pas all these years. Any advice?

Janet Bennett: If you're invited to both the shower and the wedding, and you attend both, I would give two gifts. However, you could budget what you want to spend, and split the amount between the two. For example, $25 for the shower gift and $50 for the wedding gift.

New York, N.Y.: If you are invited to a wedding by someone you haven't been in contact with for several years, and decline the invite, should you send anything?

Janet Bennett: When you say haven't been in contact with, do you mean haven't seen or spoken to? How many years has it been? Their invite to you may be a way of trying to get back in touch with you. If you want to rekindle the friendship, a small gift may be a way of doing that.

Vienna, Va.: Giving money -- I know it's the thing everyone wants (or needs) but on the tackiness scale how does it rate? I know I don't like giving it to friends my own age (and never know how much to give) but what about like from an older generation - is that acceptable?

Janet Bennett: Do you mean is it acceptable for an older couple to give money as a gift to a younger couple? I don't think giving money is necessarily tacky; it depends whether you're comfortable doing it. I recently gave a cash gift to a couple who had just bought a house in Los Angeles. I knew they would be grateful for the cash.

Somewhere, USA -- Wedsville: Recent bride here! I don't think I can encourage people enough to buy gifts from the bridal registry. I registered for things I absolutely love, like my silver and china, and would have been delighted to receive any piece from anyone! I feel so bad because friends of our parents bought us expensive gifts not on the registry and often we don't like or need them. It just seems like such a waste when these folks had every opportunity to buy us something we did really want and need. People seem to take it as a point of pride not to buy gifts from the registry, but really, while it may make the giver feel good, the recipients would probably have just as soon gotten what they asked for! Just my two cents.

Janet Bennett: Makes good sense to me, Wedsville. Thanks for your input.

Somewhere, USA -- Wedding gift recommendation: Can I just throw in a recommendation for Screw Pull's Leverpull wine opener? It's incredibly indulgent, not something most people would register for or buy themselves, in the right price range for most gifts, and pretty darn cool overall.

Janet Bennett: I agree, pretty cool. I recently gave this as a gift for people who registered for it.

Reston, Va.: When you receive an announcement after the wedding has taken place, is it etiquette or expected to send a gift?

Janet Bennett: If you have to question whether you want to send a gift, don't send one.

Burke, VA: Here's an idea for people who hate buying off the registry because they want something more personal - buy something off the registry and then get something to go with it that isn't on the registry. For instance, I just had a bridal shower and a friend got me the wine glasses on our registry and also got wine markers and a cute picnic basket with it (not on the registry). It makes a thoughtful, creative gift and the bride and groom get what they picked out!

Janet Bennett: Nice addition and great tip. Thanks!

Arlington, Va.: Hi, thanks for having this chat! I'm going to be married end of this year. Both my fiance and I are just starting out. We don't have space for too many more things, and we don't want to store all of our wedding presents for years to come. Of course, we want to celebrate w/ our family and friends, and we don't need presents. But people will give gifts. Is there a tactful (or subtle rather) way to tell people that if they want to bring gifts, they should just give money? Thanks!

Janet Bennett: I assume you haven't sent out invitations yet. If your invitations are not going to be formal, engraved numbers, you might mention something on the actual invite, such as "on the subject of gifts, thank you for asking. we'd love anything you want to give us. cash is welcome as well!"

Arlington, VA: Help!! My grad school roommate is getting married in two weeks and I still need a present. She is a huge country music fan, but I want the wedding present to be more personal than a gift certificate to Best Buy. Love the TicketMaster GC idea, do chatters have any others?

Janet Bennett: Anybody have any ideas for the Arlington woman who liked the Ticket Master idea but wants others of the same ilk?

Fairfax, Va.: There seems to be a lot of questions regarding what to give that would be personal, not off the registry stuff. I've actually had the best luck with drinks! If the couple are good friends, and you know what they like to imbibe in, a good gift could be assembled...for example, a couple likes good wine, but are cash strapped, so get a really nice bottle that they may not be otherwise able to afford, and beautiful glasses to match. If they're going to, say Mexico for the honeymoon, and like margaritas, get them a full set of margarita glasses, and all the ingredients, so they can make that honeymoon fun last a bit longer when they get home. Whenever I'm able to give something along those lines, the couple has always been thrilled!

Janet Bennett: Good idea!

Jimmy, New York City: I hear the game table from Crate & Barrel is a great gift.

Janet Bennett: Is that a hint Jimmy? Crate and Barrel is a fantastic place.

Houston, Tex.: Hi Janet. What do you think about giving gift certificates for the couple to use for a future event (baseball games, museum membership, concert series)? We would choose something in which they have previously shown an interest. Thanks.

Janet Bennett: I love the idea of tickets to a concert or a baseball game or museum membership. They can have something to look forward to!

Washington, DC: Just a suggestion: Bombay Company sells a wooden "memory box" with a small brass plaque (suitable for engraving w/ names & wedding date). Costs around $50.00, good for holding various wedding souvenirs that might not fit in an album. I've given several as gifts & they got a great reception.

Janet Bennett: Nice touch and very thoughtful.

Washington, D.C.: I wanted to put a good word in for my favorite wedding present sotre; Appalachian Spring. It's so much more fun to wrap up one of their things than it is to grab something off the shelf at Crate and Barrel or Williams-Sonoma. They have such beautiful, unique gifts there.
I really hope when I get married my friends take the hint and go shopping there!
I am also planning on buying my bridesmaids jewelry there.

Janet Bennett: Thanks for the idea Washington, D.C.!

Washington, D.C.: Since college, I have returned to the Midwest for many weddings. Not only am I spending money to be in the wedding as a bridesmaid, but I am also spending $300-400 on the airfare. Am I still expected to give a lavish gift as well? Do I look cheap when I go for something personalized and small? Any ideas for affordable, thoughtful gifts?

Janet Bennett: I don't think it's the intention of your friends to break your bank, and no, I definitely don't think you look cheap when you go for something small and personal. Surely your friends can remember when they were lavishing money on bridsemaid dresses and airfares and can sympathize with the money situation.

Bethesda, Md.: Great gift suggestion: Buy the couple an aspect of their honeymoon -- massages, golf lessons, a romantic room service breakfast, private tour guide, etc.

Janet Bennett: Great idea for those that might know where the honeymoon is taking place.

New York, N.Y.: I am a recent graduate school grad, unable to start work because I'm caring for an ill relative.

I've been invited to two out-of-town weddings by college friends I keep in touch w/only sporadically. I'm actually pleased and honored to be invited to both weddings, and hope to go. But I'm wondering what is appropriate in terms of gifts.

Adding $70-$100 for a gift, on top of air fare and hotels, seems excessive, especially since I'm not working. I throw pottery -- someone suggested I make something nice. Would it be appropriate to do that and maybe add a nice cookbook?

Janet Bennett: Go for the piece of pottery, especially since it's handthrown by you. And if throw in a cookbook, that's just gravy, I'd say.

washingtonpost.com: We've got so many questions, we've called in additional troops to contribute: Jen Chaney, Entertainment Guide producer who recently got married.

Washington, D.C.: Is it appropriate to bring a gift for the parents of the bride if they are old family friends? Their daughter is getting married in a few weeks, but I barely know her, but know her parents very well.

Janet Bennett: It's appropriate if you feel as if you want to bring something to them. Are you going to get a gift for the bride as well.

Washington, D.C.: My best friend is getting married and I am the Maid of Honor. I want to by her something that is unique and cherishable, yet not more than $100 since I am funding her bridal shower and most of her bachelorette party. Can you help provide some creative and fun ideas for a late 20s bride?

Janet Bennett: This is Jen, pinch hitting for Janet. Does your friend like music at all? If so, pick up copies of some of her favorite old record albums (you can usually find these at used CD or book stores), then buy some record album frames (Michael's and Restoration Hardware sell these, among others) and frame them for her. I would have loved to receive a gift like that. In a similar vein, if she's an avid reader, how about buying several books that would be meaningful to her? We did this as the theme of a recent bridal shower I helped host, and it was wonderful.

I think you should retract: Janet Bennett: "on the subject of gifts, thank you for asking. we'd love anything you want to give us. cash is welcome as well!"

My God! I certainly hope you are joking!

Janet Bennett: I've actually seen this done in a very fun, joking way, and it worked. I don't think anyone invited took offense.

Silver Spring, MD: Hi there,
We have been invited to 8 weddings this summer - are going to about half. I'm spending about $60 per gift - with shipping and tax usually ends up to be $70 or so. Is this cheap? My husband says that for the ones we're going to we should get a more expensive gift since they're shelling out money for our food, etc. Is this the way people think nowadays? I thought they invited us because they wanted us to share in their special day...

By the way, your idea on writing the cash thing on the envelope would not fly with anyone I know...

Thanks!

Janet Bennett: I tend to side with your husband; if you're going to the actual wedding, I would spend more. And, no, I don't think spending $70 is in any way cheap.

Northern Virginia: What do you do when you're on a budget and have been invited to an engagement party this month, knowing there will be a shower gift and then a wedding gift to be purchased as well? (And hubby has been invited to the bachelor event already, although it's in August!) Wedding is in the fall. I hate to be cheap, but I feel like this whole gift/contribution solicitation thing is getting a little out of control. Suggestions for an inexpensive engagement gift?

Janet Bennett: As Janet suggested earlier, set a budget for yourself and then divvy it up accordingly amongst the various gifts you need to give. ($25 for engagement, $25 for shower, $75 for wedding, etc.) If possible, try to give something smaller and more personal for the engagement or shower, like a mix CD or something. Things like that are what people will ultimately cherish when the wedding's said and done.

Arlington,VA: I have a friend living in The Netherlands and getting married in the US. Is there a web site I can order her gift and have it delivered to her home in The Netherlands? I would like to give a piece of Waterford or nice candle sticks.

Janet Bennett: I would think (not sure) but that any website you choose for a gift would be able to send overseas. Have you found that that's not the case?

20001: A couple of thoughts:

Having the invitation engraved on a silver or silver plated tray is a great gift. Personal, long term, etc.

On another chat this morning a group had pooled funds and were getting gift certificates to a number of restaurants in the bride and groom's city so they could experience different foods and go out at the same time. This was going to be a shower gift from everyone.

If you decide not to buy off the registry, I have found a fabulous woman who does custom painted ceramics -- she includes the couples initials and wedding date on a strategic but understated place on the bowl. Everyone loves them.

Janet Bennett: I agree, engraving is a great idea.

SW, DC: Gift Idea: 8 x 10 Frame
If I am really close with person I get in Sterling Silver (Approx. $140) if only semi-friendly I get one in Pewter (Approx. $60)

Janet Bennett: Good idea.

Wash. DC: My best friend of 15 years is getting married in one month and I'm not sure what to get her. Like many other people, I think getting her something off her registry is too impersonal, especially b/c we've been so close for so long. I was thinking about getting her a gift certificate to a B&B or a hotel in NYC (they live in New York) with broadway show tickets. What do you think about those ideas? Any other suggestions?

Janet Bennett: I love the idea of getting her a gift certificate to a B&B or to a hotel in NYC. Since she's your best friend, I assume that you can feel her out on the subject of not getting her something that's listed on the registry.

DC: I gave friends gift certificates for "Date Nights" at their favorite restaurant, the movies, miniature golf, etc. Attach the gift certificates to cute cards (I made them--and I am not very crafty) and pop in a little box. My friends loved them--called the day after the wedding in the midst of opening gifts to thank me.

Janet Bennett: A lot of readers suggested gift certificates and the handmade cards add a nice touch!

For NY: Definitely do the handmade pottery thing! Any friend would be thrilled to receive that as a gift!

Janet Bennett: sending along

New York, NY: About recommending cash as a wedding present...a friend of mine had included in their wedding invitation that as an alternative to gifts, guests could deposit money in an account designated for a down payment for their first house together. It was sentimental and practical.

Janet Bennett: I guess it all comes down to your point of view.

White Plains, Md.: My husband and I will be attending my cousin's wedding this August. This is her third marriage, and the bride and groom are supplying their guests with a complimentary weekend at a New England resort. What do you get two people who have established households and "comfortable" lifestyles?

- Living on a beer budget

Janet Bennett: If they genuinely have everything (and if they can afford to pay for all the guests' accommodations, Lord knows they probably do), then think along the lines of the nice extras in life. Give them a membership to a wine or beer of the month club. Get them a gift certificate for a meal at a nice restaurant and/or a subscription to a magazine you think they'd like. People always appreciate things like that. -Jen

Washington, DC: For a more personal gift - we loved receiving a brass door knocker, engraved with our last name & year we married, from Things Remembered. Cost is $20-$30.

Janet Bennett: Might want to try Restoration Hardware as well.

LeDroit Park: On alternate gifts: The Kennedy Center offers gift certificates that the happy couple could use for a future event of their choosing. If you want to splurge, you could include a restaurant gift certificate for a pre-theater meal, too.

Janet Bennett: For a romantic evening...

Washington, DC: Just heard of a fabulous gift idea--reservations and dinner at an exquisite restaurant wherever the couple is honeymooning. Get a copy of the couple's itinerary and arrange for a top-notch dinner in the middle of their trip!

Janet Bennett: I've heard of doing that, too, and like you, I also think it's a wonderful idea.

Woodbridge: Favorite gift we got was a DVD player, which wasn't on our registry. BTW, it's tacky to even mention gifts on an invitation. Have the attendants or parents spread the word about cash being preferred.

Janet Bennett: And DVD players are getting more affordable too.

Bride to be: Re: reception invites only. Perfectly acceptable! Ceremony only ones are considered in bad taste in most circles (I want a gift but you're not important enough to entertain).

Personal gifts vs the registry: You can't get much more personal than a registry! Someone has provided a wishlist of items, go with it! Creative? Probably not, but the couple will think of you every time they make coffee, toast bread, etc.

Janet Bennett: Thanks for the perspective. (And I've never heard of inviting guests to the ceremony and not the reception, either - the other way around yes, but this way, no.) - Jen

Fairfax, Va.: I don't have a question just a suggestion. For those people who are artists of some sort a great gift would be a piece of your work. You can even make a piece that's made especially for the couple, asking them what their tastes in art are etc. Lastly, I reccomend that the artwork is left unframed. Or if you do frame it get their input in what styles would complement their new home.

Janet Bennett: That's a very creative idea.

Bedford, Tex.: I have a couple of ideas. For a friend's upcoming wedding, I'm making a small (5 x 7) scrapbook with pictures of her, her future husband and our circle of friends. Another friend is framing the wedding invitation for her.

Janet Bennett: This is a wonderful idea for close friends to share their memories and leave room for the couple to make memories of their own.

Washington, D.C.: If you can avoid it, and you're aren't bound to a registry, shop at small, unique stores, like World Market (ok, so they could be a chain) or Kindred Spirits or Appalachian Spring or any of the galleries/shops in Old Town. Buying mass-produced things from Crate and Barrell, Things Remembered, etc is just cheesy. Buy something nice, one of a kind, something the recipients would love but wouldn't buy themselves. You'll always be remembered for it! (Fondly, I hope)

Janet Bennett: Thanks for the tip.

Washington, D.C.: Thank you for providing us with this chat- great idea!
My question- any suggestions for a unique, handmade, possibly personalized wedding gift? Aside from going to Things Remembered.

Janet Bennett: Do you sew? Then making a nice quilt is a good idea. Janet's already mentioned photo albums or scrap books, another goodie. And as I mentioned before, you can never go wrong with a good mix CD. But I (Jen) am a member of the mix tape generation, so maybe it's just me...

Nashville, TN: For anyone looking for that something special like the person looking for the country music gift. If you know their favorite artist or group or whatever - try eBay. Get them something that the artist signed or wore or used or whatever. If that doesn't work - get them a "collection" of works by the artist and put them in a nice CD holder or something.....

Janet Bennett: Online registries and sites can also wrap the gifts and mail them to the couple as well.

The Bride Who Has It All: I am getting married next year & I DON'T NEED ANYTHING. I have lovely "everyday" china & crystal, & the special stuff I inherited from my grandmother. My fiance & I have been living together for a couple of years, & we make good salaries so we can pretty much afford to buy ourselves whatever we need. What is the appropriate way to indicate to our guests that we don't need or want anything? N.B. I am NOT saying we don't need anything, send money...I think it's tacky to give money as a gift. I am afraid that if I don't register anywhere, my guests will buy me things anyway, & they won't be things I want (since I don't want anything). However, if I do register someplace, I am CERTAIN to get a bunch of stuff I don't need or want.

Help! What I want from my guests more than anything is for them to show up & help us celebrate our fun day, not some dumb kitchen appliance that I'll never use.

Janet Bennett: Interesting problem. I think you're right; if you don't register, you'll get gifts anyway. People will want to do or bring something no matter how much you protest. What about suggesting that your friends contribute to a favorite organization or charity in your honor?

re: last minute shopper in Arlington, Va.: Crate and Barrel has fondue sets year round!
www.crateandbarrel.com

Janet Bennett: Another shout for Crate and Barrel.

Washington, D.C.: I'm going to the "crunchiest" wedding of the year. The bride and groom were going to get married in canoes and the reception involves mountain biking and hiking. I have been out of touch with this friend for about four years and she's not registering. Any specific ideas for a gift? I've looked at LL Bean and REI, but I'm not sure where to start.

Janet Bennett: Wow, that should be an interesting wedding. Hope all the guests are in good shape, what with the biking and hiking. If your friends are really that crunchy, they probably have everything you might consider buying them from LL Bean or REI. My advice is start fishing around now to see what they don't have. You might also look into paying for a white water rafting weekend for them, or something along those lines. - Jen

Somewhere, USA: Is it necessary to bring a gift to an engagement party? I am going to my first such party this weekend, and of course intend to buy a present for the wedding in October.

Janet Bennett: You're not obligated to do anything, but if the said engagement party's a formal occasion, I think perhaps a small something may be in order. You can always split the amount of money you want to spend on a gift between the two occasions.

20001: One more idea -- when my parents got married, friends of theirs had a bottle of champagne sent to each of their hotels on their honeymoon. They loved it.

Janet Bennett: Splendid idea.

Just a comment: I have a friend who owns a jewelry store and gave good friends their wedding bands as their gift. I thought that was a great idea and a very generous gift, albeit too expensive for someone who doesn't own a jewelry store...

Janet Bennett: sharing with our readers...

for netherlands...: Look for a store in the Netherlands, you should be able to find one online. They'd be able to deliver over there, and maybe you can get a deal depending on the exchange rate.

Janet Bennett: tip from a reader

Upstate New York: I was wondering if you could could give a gift idea for a "soon to be bride" to give to her future husband. He doesn't wear jewelry, already has a beautiful watch, and he won't give any hints.

He loves music, dabbles in golf, not much of a handy man. Any suggestions?

Janet Bennett: Loves music? How about a gift certificate to a record store, or the previously suggested Ticketmaster gift certificate?
On the golf front, is it possible to reserve tickets to next year's Kemper this far in advance? Might be worth looking into. Does he want to be a handy man someday? Tools or a home improvement book would be good. (If he is or plans on becoming a homeowner he, or his wife, will certainly need it someday.) - Jen

TAPPED OUT, USA: How many gifts is one supposed to give if they are invited to:
-- engagement party (local)
-- engagement party (long distance)
-- couples shower
-- batchlorette party
-- wedding

And having to pay for the bridal dress, shoes, hair, nails, make-up, and hotel?

HELP?!?!?!?!?!

Janet Bennett: I sympathize with you, Tapped Out. By no means are you obligated to give gifts for all those occasions. I'd say two gifts per wedding is enough.

Dupont,, DC: Just a comment. In some traditions, giving money may be accepted and even the norm, really. So, I would be careful about saying its tacky, since its far from universally so. Think about the tradition of your bride and groom, as well as what you feel comfortable with.

Janet Bennett: Another comment on whether to the acceptability of giving money.

Washington, D.C.: I'm the MoH and introduced the bride and groom over 10 years ago. The bride is also my best friend. I want to get them something very special - not on the registry. Any suggestions?

Janet Bennett: Hi, MOH. Sounds like you're going to have to do some soul-searching to come up with something very special. Given the closeness of your relationship, I (Jen) think it would be nice to give them something (or several smaller things) that's quite personal. What were the circumstances of the introduction? Did you meet on the way to a movie? Then give them a copy of that movie on DVD or video (unless the movie starred Bobcat Goldthwait or something). Did you meet over dinner? Give a gift certificate to that restaurant. Start thinking along these lines and you'll probably have more ideas than you can handle. - Jen

Falls Church, VA : As a recent bride and more recently frequent wedding attendee, I always try to give wedding gifts from the registry with a little something extra. This way, the couple is getting something they wanted, but they also know that I spent some time picking out something just for them as well. Examples include getting a pot and throwing in gourmet pasta and sauce and pasta spoon, or getting a formal place setting along with placecard holders or candlesticks. Other successful gifts include an indoor grill with a gift certificate for Omaha Steaks, cookware with cookbooks, bath towels with bath salts, and sheets with massage lotion and candles. Just let your imagination run wild!

Janet Bennett: That's a good way of getting around the so-called impersonal aspects of the wedding registry. Good for you!

RE: Crunchy Wedding: Another possibility (other than Bean and REI) would be a donation to an organization they would support...Sierra Club, Greenpeace, any environmental group would probably be right up their alley. I'm speaking from experience here...I'm a bit "crunchy" myself. Yes, I could have used "things" when I got married, but the two gifts that made me cry were an acre of rainforest land in Brazil, and a donation to clean up a minefield in Bosnia. These were from people who knew me well, and knew that I'm of the opinion that "things" are just something else to dust, and I'd rather have something intangible but still meaningful.

Janet Bennett: You might also want to ask the couple where they would like to donate to.

Janet Bennett: Whew, thanks for all those great questions and all that enthusiasm. For more answers on wedding-related plans, including ideas on where to have the rehearsal, pop the question, etc., please join in our discussion tomorrow at 2 p.m.

washingtonpost.com: This is Janet's producer, Eleanor, chiming in that monetary gifts are appropriate to some cultures. In many Asian and Southeast Asian cultures, elders and friends of the family are expected to offer monetary gifts to wish the couple well. I've been to weddings where you'll see a good mix of traditional and modern/western influences. At a lot of Korean American weddings that I've been to, tables for both guests for the bride and grooms are set up for the guests to bring their gifts and sign the guestbooks at the ceremony and at the reception. At both tables, there is also a money box where guests can drop in their monetary gifts.

washingtonpost.com:

That wraps up today's show. Thanks to everyone who joined the discussion.

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