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Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.

Appearing every Wednesday, Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ® offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 30-something repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that’s about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.

The transcript follows.

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Holiday questions: Hey, Carolyn. The holidays are fast approaching. So, for the benefit of all of us, can you please post the following list of questions NOT to ask your once-a-year relatives? (Of course, none of your loyal readers need to be reminded of this, but maybe the word will get out.)

- When are you getting married?
- Why aren't you married yet?
- Are you still dating that -- [insert negative descriptor of your choice-]?
- When are you going to get pregnant?
- Why can't you get pregnant?
- Why are you pregnant AGAIN? (Was it an accident?)
- Why aren't you nursing? [instead of bottle feeding?]
- How can you possibly eat meat?
- Why are you on that silly diet?
- Why don't you lose some weight?
- Don't you know smoking can kill you?
- When are you going to get a real job? [This question may be appropriately asked of some people, but it may not be addressed to someone who has chosen a low-paying quasi-volunteer job, and it should not be asked at a holiday gathering.]
- When is your husband/wife going to get a real job? [Never to be asked.]
- Are you gay?
- Is your son/daughter gay?

I think I covered the bases, but if I left anything out, I'm sure you and the peanuts will fill in the details.

Many thanks for providing this public service.

Carolyn Hax: Hey. You're welcome. Though my hopes aren't up that word will get out to anyone who actually needs to hear it. Remember the purple-hatted plague of a few weeks ago, who wrote in to defend her right to ask intrusive questions?

I'm also not sure of the context in which "When are you going to get a real job?" is appropriate, unless the target doesn't have one, is fully capable of getting one and just asked you for money to bet on the horsies.

You aren't smoking AND pregnant again, are you?

Heart-sick aunt needs some advice: My niece from another state -- an honors student who will shortly complete all the requirements for high school graduation -- turned 18 last Saturday and e-mailed me she is moving up here in December to live with her boyfriend -- a guy in the military who is about eight years her senior. She is positive they are a perfect match and will be together forever.

She has two part-time jobs lined up and will go to community college part-time. Her father has already told her he is furious and will offer no financial help at all. Her parents are divorced, and I don't know how her mother, who lives in another state, has reacted.

I'm so stunned I don't even know how to respond to her e-mail. I consider it totally inappropriate for her to be living it with any male, especially one so much older. And what does it say about him that he would have dated someone who was not even of legal age at the time? Any advice for a heart-sick aunt? Thanks.

Carolyn Hax: No, just let her make her mistakes--with neither a false sense of your approval nor a harangue like the one from her dad. Maybe something along the lines of a noncommittal email to say it'll be nice to have her nearby, and then, in person, an I-worry-about-you-but-you're-a-good-kid-and-you'll-figure-things-out aside that doesn't turn into a speech. It's condescending, sure, but you're an aunt and so you can get away with that, and it also shows you don't approve but will nonetheless treat her as an adult, which might, just might, prompt her to rise to the expectation that comes with that. To her credit, she seems to have been very thorough and responsible on following through with this awful idea--two jobs, c. college--which shouldn't get lost in the uproar.

Washington, D.C.: Carolyn --

This sounds like a Sally Squires question, but really it is a Carolyn Hax question because it is all about a relationship.

My husband and I could could lose some weight; I've been trying hard to cook healthy meals every night and save leftovers for lunches, and over the past year I have lost 20 of the 30 pounds I needed to lose. My husband, however, talks the talk about losing weight (he could drop 50 pounds) but then eschews my carefully portion controlled leftovers and eats McDonald's, KFC, and takeout with his buddies every day for lunch.

Not only am I worried about his weight, I feel so unsupported in this attempt to lose weight when he does this. I can't put my finger on whether I am mad at him for not trying to lose weight (which would be bad of me) or mad that he is not being supportive of my own attempts at a healthier lifestyle (which I think is reasonable). I have control freak tendencies, and I am trying not to manifest them upon my husband. But I get downright teary when I come home and find Thai takeout containers in the fridge.

How can I resolve this?

Carolyn Hax: I guess it depends on what you mean when he says he "talks the talk." Does he complain about his weight or say he's going to make the effort "tomorrow" or lie about what he's eating? Any one of these can erode your respect for the guy, especially when you're living up to your promises to yourself (admirably--congratulations), and it can be hard to live with and love someone whom you don't respect. That's something I think you could and should talk about with him.

On the other hand, if his words and eating habits are in alignment and he just doesn't want to diet, then I think you have to curb the inner control freak and let him live as he chooses.

Chicago, Ill.: Dear Carolyn,

About a year ago I broke up with a guy whom I had been dating for nearly three years. We had been engaged for about a year and a half of that time. While we were dating, I borrowed some money from him (about $400) which I have since paid back. However, about six months ago he presented me with a "bill" for money I owed him. Carolyn, he thinks that I should repay every penny he spent on me -- dinners out, if I would have him pick up a toiletry for me, movies, pop, candy bars, etc. Never mind that I bought this stuff for him as well, he says that he spent this money in the expectation that I would marry him, and as that didn't pan out, well, I should pay it back. I know that this is absurd and have no intention of doing so, BUT now he is threatening to sue me for "breach of promise." I have no idea what to tell him other than this is ridiculous. PLEASE HELP!

Carolyn Hax: I can't help you on the legalities (though if I were a judge, I'd scold him for wasting court time), but I can suggest you enjoy the wave of relief that you must feel for not having gone through with the marriage.

Telling him he's being ridiculous isn't likely to defuse anything, though. Ignoring might be your best bet, in hopes that he cools off eventually, but if that's not an option, have you tried saying that this obviously isn't about money, and would he like to discuss what it's really about?

Other questions not to ask: Didn't you used to be a brunette?

Carolyn Hax: Good one, though a complete list would be endless.

Arlington, Va.: Hi Carolyn,

All signs point to my boyfriend of two years popping the question pretty soon (we're both in our mid 30s). Last night as we were discussing future living arrangements, he asked about us trading financial info. He shared first, his only debt is his mortgage. When it was my turn, I hemmed and hawed and said it was getting late. The problem is I have quite a bit of debt (mostly grad school tuition and expenses incurred in fixing up my parents' house). When we've talked about financial stuff in the past, excessive debt is really a hot button issue for him. So I how do I approach this subject (I guess I'm scared that it could make him change his mind about marrying me)?

Carolyn Hax: If it does, you don't want to marry him.

If you feel you must hem and haw around him, you don't want to marry him.

The way to deal with a hot button is to push it. "I should have said this last night, but I choked. I have debt from X and Y."

If he gives you a hard time, you don't want to marry him. Sometimes, it really is that simple.

Northeast: Hi girls,

Can you please just acknowledge that I exist? I guess that's all I really want.

Carolyn Hax: Hello, Northeast. Thanks for not wanting much

Virginia: My new boyfriend has a girl's name (A former girlfriend, I assume) tattooed on his fanny. He has tried to keep this a secret from me, which has resulted in some pretty strange behavior. But I saw it twice. Do you think I should just say to him: "I know about the tattoo and I'm cool with it." Or would it be kinder to go on pretending I don't know until he brings it up himself?

Carolyn Hax: "So who's that on your butt?"

Not a question any of us gets to ask often, so please, ask one for the team.

Philadelphia, Pa.: I have a wonderful boyfriend of a year and a half now. He's very kind, honest, respectful, loving, and responsible. He's a great guy that treats me very well, but there is one thing that bothers me about him. He seems to go out of his way to exclude me every time that he's going to see his family or friends from college. He's very adamant at keeping certain friends in certain groups and not allowing any intermingling. Normally this doesn't bother me, but with the holidays coming I will not be able to spend them with my family and I don't think that he will invite me to spend the holiday with his either. It hurts my feelings that he knows I will be alone and doesn't care enough to ask.

I know this is a silly problem to have -- but I also do not want to force him to do something he's not comfortable with -- and wouldn't want to guilt him into an invite. I know he cares for me deeply but I don't understand why he is ashamed to have me around certain people.

Carolyn Hax: Why the assumption that this has anything to do with shame? And why haven't you said to him, "It hurts that you exclude me from entire parts of your life"?

Land of the Bridezilla: I never thought that I'd ever come close to being a Bridezilla, but here I am. I thought that a small, low-scale wedding (a few dozen people and catering by my favorite sub shop) planned for this spring would be at least a good excuse to see the friends and relatives, without causing silly "these flowers are beige! I asked for off-white!" type problems. I'm just wondering if I'm actually under some sort of obligation to invite major family members. The "it's MY day" brides have always gotten a good eye rolling from me, but at this point I'm even saying "I'll invite who I want and screw the rest." The only problem is my grandfather. The only things he can talk about are how I should come work for him for near minimum wage since my college degree is "worthless," how my fiance is a nerd and I'm only with him because I'm a golddigger (the fiance is waiting tables to put himself through school), where various people are in is latest will (I've told him that I don't consider kissing an old man's rear a wise investment decision), and how much better off various cousins of mine are then me. To add to it, he would be attending with his girlfriend -- a married woman with whom he is VERY openly having an afair (they "are just waiting for the old man [her husband] to drop dead"). I've never felt overly self-rightous, but I think that having those two parading around the wedding, with the usual pattings and groapings of latenight cable, would just mock the whole idea of marriage. I know that not inviting him would basically blacklist me from anything having to do with that part of the family, and I'm alright with that since that would only be because most of the family does whatever he wishes as to make their noses an even darker shade of brown. I know that family is important, so is this just something I should put aside for a semi-functioning relationship with extended family? Am I blowing it out of proportion or should I just be planning a wedding that I, and the attendants of, will actually enjoy and forget the trouble-makers?

Carolyn Hax: I'm sorry, I can't spot the Bridezilla in this picture. (Kind of a letdown for me, frankly.) You're having a party--could be any party--and there's a guest you don't want there but with whom exclusion would come bad consequences. Pretty basic stuff.

Unfortunately, it's stuff I can't really sort out for you. You have two choices: Invite the guy and loathe his presence, or don't and watch the [poo] fly. You are under no obligation to choose either one, so it's a matter of what lets you sleep best at night.

Son of Bridezilla afterthought: If you would invite him to a different party, like Thanksgiving at your house--ie, the only reason you wouldn't want him there is the mockery-of-marriage thing--then I'd lean toward including. But it sounds more like you just can't stand him in general and don't want him there, which brings it back to what you can live with.

Vancouver, Canada: What do I do now now that I have come to the realization that I have done some idiotic things (said and had done stupid things to family, friends, ex-co-workers, ex-employers) in my past that I now regret? I now think my reputation among them is not good.

Carolyn Hax: Apologize where appropriate, undo damage where possible and let time and good behavior take care of the rest.

Washington, D.C.: My girlfriend and I have been together for a few years, we're both late 20s. After being unhappy for a long time, I broke up with her a few months ago, and she went totally berserk -- she vomited, started smashing things, cried hysterically, hyperventilated. I felt awful and scared and overwhelmed, and I agreed to stay together to try to work things out. Things were better for a while, but the things that made me want to leave haven't changed, and I don't think they will change. But I have no idea how to tell her that I think we should break up, and I'm not sure if I owe it to her to keep trying to work things out for a few months before deciding to leave. Any advice? (Online only.)

Carolyn Hax: Good lord. I'm sympathetic to your sympathy, but you owed it to her to stay broken up the first time. Emotional manipulation IS NOT A REASON TO STAY WITH SOMEONE. Break up with her, now, compassionately and firmly.

Bethesda, Md.: To that list of questions, pleas add:

Why don't you eat meat? What DO you eat? HOW can you not eat turkey at ThanksGIVING?

Carolyn Hax: Cringe, thanks.

Arlington, Va.: Other holiday topics to avoid:

-Are you going to keep working after you have the baby?
-Why are you going to keep working after you have the baby?
-Should you have those dogs around the baby?
-I saw your old boy(girl) friend at the market yesterday (last week, whenever) and they are looking SO good! (Usually said in front of the spouse.)
-How much did that car cost?
-How can you afford this house?

Carolyn Hax: See, this is why I'm a shut-in.

Other unaskable questions: Didn't you used to be a man?

Carolyn Hax: Now I think you're testing the limits of politely feigned ignorance.

Are these posts really anonymous?: I know that when you put them on the net they are anonymous but can you and Lisa tell who sends them? We are anonymous to you too, right?

I just started wondering because you and Lisa are so good at picking out follow-up messages from headers that wouldn't clue me in right away.

washingtonpost.com: (a) Thanks for the kind words. In this gig long enough, the follow-ups are easy to spot. (b) Yes, they are anonymous. So for you folks who write in yelling about why their questions haven't been answered -- and then offer no clue as to which ones they are -- ya wastin' ya time. -- Lisa.

Carolyn Hax: And even when we do know to which one you're referring, ya wastin' ya time. Unless your goal is to amuse me, and seeing, "I've sent my question three times and you still haven't answered it" can be a knee slapper when I'm reading it two hours after the discussion, hundreds of questions into the queue and with hundreds more to go. We try, but there's just so much we can do in two hours. Thanks.

Around: Carolyn, please help! About two months ago, I had a suicide attempt, which resulted in a loss of all but two friends (and my therapist), whom I live with. Here's the deal. I just found out last night, that these two friends have been intimate for about a month now. I am angry because not only was I deceived for two months, but my home (and these two people) was the -only- refuge I had from the otherwise pretty crappy fallout of it all. I am angry that the dynamic changed, unbeknownst to me, and that basically this guy is using this girl and it is all going to end in some big fallout. I don't want people to walk on eggshells around me, but am I asking too much when I expected these people to have a little more consideration for my situation? What do I do?!

Carolyn Hax: I am really sorry for the hell you've been through. I think the best thing you can do for yourself as you try to pull out of it is not to add to your stress. Seeing your roommates' involvement as a reflection on you, in any way, is needless extra stress. This is between them, period, and if it's a mistake, it's their mistake. Even if it does come around to affect/mess up your home sanctuary, and it might, they're consenting adults and it's their mistake to make. In the meantime, the fallout hasn't happened and your refuge is still your refuge. Use this time to work on reorienting your view of it as independent of their ups, downs, whatevers.

"So what's that on your butt?": Is that another question that shouldn't be asked by relatives at holiday gatherings?

Carolyn Hax: I think it's fair game, not to mention a tasteful complement to any occasion.

"So what's on your butt?": This made me snort yogurt through my nose. Thanks for the fun!

Carolyn Hax: Thanks, but guys guys guys--it's WHO'S on your butt. I craft these things carefully, you know.

Washington, D.C.: To Philadelphia -- you have been dating a year and a half and he excludes you from his family events! Have you ever met his family? He doesn't like his friends to mingle? Sounds to me more like he is hiding something -- like another relationship.

Carolyn Hax: Wow, that's jumping to an entirely different conclusion. There are countless possible explanations for his behavior.

Re: Philadelphia, Pa.: I'd be willing to wager that Philly's boyfriend is ashamed of his family, not his girlfriend. If this is so, the boyfriend needs to be assured that Philly loves him for himself, and nothing his family or friends can do will change that.

Of course, if he acts like a jerk when he's around his drinking buddies, that's his own fault. But if he's hiding his own behavior, she needs to know that, too.

Carolyn Hax: ... like this one. Thanks.

Somewhere, USA (for online): My bf's family doesn't want to get to know me, although bf and I have been together for a year (we are in our early 30s). When they do, and invite me over for dinner, how should I treat them? I don't want to be thrilled because I am no longer thrilled. I don't want to be cold because bf is very sweet and I don't want to hurt him. Also, what if they are ready and I am not? Maybe I should be glad that I haven't had to deal with them yet.

Carolyn Hax: Has the subject of why ever come up? Seems to me it's self-defeating to get angry before you know what they're thinking, especially when the definition of family is, "group of related people who have [bleep] going on that even they don't understand."

Holiday topics: I must say, my family does not ask me any of these questions. Am I just lucky? Should I make sure my relatives are not really pod people?

Carolyn Hax: No! Move slowly and don't disrupt anything.

Washington, D.C.: Weingarten said in his chat this week that you used to work for the Czar of the Invitational. Is that true or was he joking? Was it just dreadful?

Carolyn Hax: Don't believe anything Weingarten says about me.

Carolyn Hax: Because most of it is probably true.

Chicago, Ill.: Speaking as someone who always kept their life compartmentalized (different parts of your life must not mix -- college friends with parents, work friends with college friends and what not) I understand where the boyfriend is coming from, in a lot of ways it is because each different group of friends brings out something different in you. My future wife made me see how hurtful I was being, and once I included her in all aspects of my life, she got to know all of me.

Carolyn Hax: Yay for future wife. Thanks.

Somewhere in Virginia: Hi Carolyn,

Here's a thorny one! Last fall I met a man and dated him for about four months before making a huge decision to move out of state for a business venture (something I have wanted to do my whole life). We had an incredibly intense few months and I was head over heels. We kept in contact while I was away but, never visited. In June, I made a trip back to Virginia to visit him. After spending my first night here with him, he dropped the biggest bombshell. His ex had just had a baby and he was pretty sure that it was his! I was dumbfounded. Anyway, long, long story short, I have recently moved back to Virginia. He is now living with the baby and mom and I am having a very hard time swallowing this because I know that if it wasn't for the baby, we would be together (he has told me this). We run into each other frequently and the subject always comes up. I need to know how to put this in the past, any suggestions?

Carolyn Hax: Sorry, I don't see any thorns. Back off, stop talking about it, ask yourself why he felt the need to taunt you with an "if only," and start living your own life. It's over.

Debt-free in Washington, D.C.: I'm sorry Carolyn, but I have to disagree with you on the debt discussion. Why would you drop someone just because they get on your case about eliminating your debt? If you get married, it becomes their problem too, so it's really something that should be sorted out before tying the knot.

Most couple fight about money because they don't talk about their spending/saving styles and priorities enough.

Carolyn Hax: I'm sorry, I have to disagree with you. There's a difference between talking about and getting on one's case about. One is productive and loving, the other is a home-detention ankle bracelet. She needs to be forthright, he needs to handle honesty in a way that doesn't engender fear.

Washington, D.C.: Nobody likes conflict, but what makes men so afraid of it? Why don't they realize that avoiding dealing with issues just makes things worse?

Thanks.

washingtonpost.com: I know 10,000 women who are afraid of it too. No one sex has the monopoly on that one. -- Lisa.

Carolyn Hax: What she said. Rank stereotyping is at least as destructive as conflict evasion, if not more.

Worried in the West: Hey --

My fiancé teaches in an inner-city rough junior high. He loves his job, but some of his kids are angry and confrontational, and sometimes violent. I have this fear that someday one of those kids will hurt him. (I'm not paranoid! Well, maybe a little) But really -- read the papers. It happens more than people think). How do I become more at peace with this?

Carolyn Hax: The same way we find peace in all things scary, with perspective. These kids might hurt him, but your car might hurt you, and your gas furnace may leak carbon monoxide, and and and. I'd rather die early in the act of living as I choose than at 95 in a germ-free padded room, and I'm sure he's made that choice as well, and chances are you have, too. Relax, respect his choice, love him more for it.

East Coast: Hi, Carolyn. I've been great friends with this guy for 10 years. We get along great, have the same values, share similar interests, etc. He moved away two years ago, but I do get to see him several times a year. He's the "perfect find" for anyone, at least I think so. I find everything about him so wonderful. The problem: I'm not physically attracted to him at all! He thinks we would have everything we need with each other, and I just say that it wouldn't work. Don't you at least have to be attracted to someone for a good dating relationship to occur? I'm just clueless.

Carolyn Hax: I think so (that attraction is necessary, not that you're clueless).

Denver, Colo.: My boyfriend of three months thinks that I am being too demanding because I asked to spend more time with him- more than our standard two nights a week. I don't really know what is "normal" for a relationship at this stage; my last (and only LT) boyfriend wanted to spend every spare moment with me. Am I really being unreasonable? He's always been kind of a loner, so I don't know if he is unusually distant, if I was just spoiled by my last relationship and as a result have unreasonable expectations, or if we both just have different expectations for relationships but we're both normal.

Carolyn Hax: Three months is nuthin', but I'll never like the prognosis when a legitimate and kind of sweet request like wanting to see him more draws an accusation ("too demanding") instead of a thoughtful conversation. Please don't scrutinize your past LTR so hard for an answer that you fail to notice what's going on in this one.

Denver, Colo.: Today's column had me scratching my head. BMOYL?

Carolyn Hax: Biggest Mistake of Your Life. From the letter.

Somewhere, USA: Carolyn,

I've been informed that Thanksgiving is going to be held at my aunt's house this year. The problem is, her new husband smokes and I have a problem with cigarette smoke. I have difficulty eating when around it without being ill. My dad understands this now as it affects him the same way, but my mom has always believed that I just say things like that to be able to leave certain family functions early. I have no choice in going as I've got no good excuse not to. I'm 20, living on my own several hours from my parents. It's not that I don't want to go to Thanksgiving dinner, it's just that I only see these people a few times a year and, while I'm not particularly close to them, I don't want to spend all day hating my new uncle because I feel like I'm going to puke. Any ideas on what to do?

Carolyn Hax: Why don't you call your aunt to say you're looking forward to seeing her and getting to know your new uncle, but have a bad reaction to cigarette smoke, and ask if there's any way there can be a nonsmoking room or two?

California: Okay, odd question here.

I'm a sophomore in college, and I recently moved into a new dorm. It's a small building with communal meals, which means I get to know the people here quite a bit, and I've made a bunch of friends. One of them is a guy who's always been really friendly, though a bit... socially inept. I'd been hanging around with him casually, as with a number of other people.

But recently I was warned by some of my friends that he doesn't understand "no." I'm not talking rape, or even dangerous physical assault -- but, according to them, he doesn't understand personal space, and he's very slow to accept it when "friendly" touching (tickling, etc.) gets beyond one's comfort zone. Apparently one has to be quite blunt before he stops, and then he gets upset that you're rude.

These women are my friends, and they've come to me seperately, and, as far as I know, entirely seperately. I have no reason to disbelieve them, and his general social awkwardness makes it not inconceivable (although I probably would not have guessed on my own, as he hasn't tried this with me). Frankly, it's weirding me, and I'm not quite sure what (if anything) to do about it. I have gone from being casually friendly with him to extremely awkward and uncomfortable around him. I'm not the world's most assertive person, and, while I will tell someone to back off, I don't want to wind up in that position. And people who don't respect boundaries and don't hear NO until you're screaming it upset me.

But what this is resulting in is me suddenly withdrawing from being friendly with him for no apparent reason. I'm not comfortable talking to him about it -- and anyway, it'd be a breach of confidence; some of the women who spoke to me are, though not afraid of him, very uncomfortable around him, and since it's such a small building he'd know who I was talking about, most likely. But the smallness of the building also means that it's probably more obvious that I'm starting to avoid him.

I really like the building, and I certainly don't want to leave because of this. I just want to know, first, if you think I'm being unreasonable for judging him based on hearsay, and second, if there's a graceful way to handle this.

(I have a boyfriend, we love each other a lot, pretty much everyone knows, so romance isn't the issue -- at least, not on my end, and he is well aware that I am most assuredly not looking. He has never made a pass, or tried inappropriate touching to me specifically yet.)

Carolyn Hax: The graceful way to handle this is to see that there is not "this." Not yet--the guy has done nothing inappropriate with you. You are aware of the possibility, and that's good, and you are, despite what you imply, perfectly capable of staying glued if the time ever comes for you to set a boundary with him. (If he gets mad about it, that's his problem.)

There's also nothing wrong with using what you know about him to keep him at arm's length until you can get to know him better yourself. That still allows plenty of room for warmth and civility, though, which I strongly suggest you resume showing him.

BMOYL: Second-choice person to perform the bris?

Carolyn Hax: Even better, thanks.

Nonsmoking room at aunt's: Oh, if I dared asked my aunt this, she would laugh out loud, dismiss me and comment to everyone what a spoilt brat I am!

Carolyn Hax: And you want to go there, why? You're 20, you have other options.

Arlington, Va.: I had a talk with my son about drugs. Told him about a buddy of mine in high school who scored a perfect 800 on the math portion of his SAT's back in '76 and got a perfect score on the advance placement math test. The guy took Algebra 1, 2, Trig, Functions, etc. in 9th grade. Went to Purdue on a full scholarship.

Since college has been out of drug rehab numerous times. My son said yeah, so what, look at the Stones and Aerosmith. "Those guys are ancient and multi millionares, How bad can drugs be?"

I didnt have an answer! It's true, though! Drugs don't affect Mick too much or Steven Tyler! Do you have a better answer for son?

Carolyn Hax: How about, "Kurt Cobain." You're not going to get anywhere by suggesting every substance abuser goes down the tubes because there are always exceptions, to everything--just like some 17-year-olds get married and live happily ever after. The point is that these things don't discriminate when it comes to claiming their victims, and nobody can know upfront who's going to shake off the chemicals and who's going to react badly, get addicted, get depressed and fight both ailments for a (possibly truncated) lifetime. So, the better argument is to resolve, whenever you have a choice, not to go out of your way to do something that you know for sure has never turned up on a list of the 100 greatest ideas.

OOOPs! nonsmoking room: Sorry, I wasn't the girl who asked that question. I just wanted to chime in about how my own aunt would have reacted if I followed Carolyn's great advice. Some smokers just can't think the world does not revolve around them. Apologies for the confusion.

Carolyn Hax: Good day for this, when we just talked about spotting follow up questions. Have I talked up my fallibility lately? Anyway, thanks for the correction.

Carolyn Hax: Feeding time. Thanks, everybody, and have a great weekend ... wait, weekends--three of them. I almost forgot this is the last session before I (regretfully) disappear for a couple of Fridays. I've got unmoveable stuff next Friday and then Live Online is closed the day after Thanksgiving, so I guess I'll see you Dec. 6. (I had hoped to slip in a makeup day--and still might try to next week, so watch this space--but the chances are growin' dim ...)

Steven Tyler: Umm, the question made it sound like Steve's still doing drugs. Uh, aren't he and the band very sober?

His son musn't be up on his Aero history to know about the massive doo-doo that drugs caused to those people and to all who knew them.

Carolyn Hax: Good point, thanks.

Just say no: Most people don't have the vast financial resources of a rock star to take years off work for rehabbing and still be OK.

BTW, ask Robert Downey Jr. how much fun doing drugs is.

Carolyn Hax: ... and a good example.

washingtonpost.com:

That wraps up today's show. Thanks to everyone who joined the discussion.

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Washington, D.C.: Second-hand smoke causes cancer! You're not being a brat if you tell your aunt that you don't want to spend several hours on a holiday inhaling smoke that makes you ill both in the immediate and the long term!

Carolyn Hax: It does cause cancer but, heavens, not from one Thanksgiving's worth of exposure, so I'd leave that argument in the trunk.

To California: Your dorm friend might have Asperger's Syndrome; a mild form of autism characterized by failure to recognize social cues, among other things (they tend to be highly intelligent, however). If so, the boy can't help it; check out some Web sites.

Carolyn Hax: A definite possibility, thanks.

Washington, D.C.: I turn 29 next week. So I only have one more year to write in to your chat.

Carolyn Hax: Nope--we dropped the age thing from the chats years ago. Happy boythday.

More questions not to ask: "You can't afford that (car, house, nose ring, boy toy) on your salary, can you?"

Carolyn Hax: Absolutely. How one affords one's boy toy is strictly one's own business.

Now I'm really leaving.

BMOYL cut from letter: The Denver Post cut the "BIGGEST MISTAKE OF YOUR LIFE" sentence from the letter, so BMOYL in your response had no context to it.

Carolyn Hax: Yay me. Thanks for breaking the news.

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