Washingtonpost.com: Live Online

Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.

Appearing every Wednesday, Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ® offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 30-something repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that’s about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.

The transcript follows.

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Fredericksburg, Va.: Dear Carolyn,

What is the best way to express sympathy when an old friend's estranged husband dies?

She hasn't been exactly fond of him for years. In fact, she had a restraining order against him when he died. But he is the father of her child and she was once very in love with him. His death was very unexpected and very violent. I know I should call her, but I'm nervous because I don't know what to say. I am asking you because I know you are good at helping people gather the courage for situations like this. Thanks.

Carolyn Hax: Thank you. I don't know that I've ever come across a situation like this, but I'll try. You probably can't lose with calling to see if she needs anything, because "this must be a difficult time."

Falls Church, Va.: Hi Carolyn,

My best friend, barely 25, has begun dating a woman, 33, who just finalized her divorce. He is not interested in a serious (i.e., get married anytime in the next five years) relationship, but he likes her a great deal and isn't interested in a mere fling either. I have no idea what she hopes to gain from the relationship. I think this is the worst idea he's ever had. Do I speak up, or mind my own business?

Carolyn Hax: Door No. 2, since I can't see one thing wrong with what he's doing. He likes her. Isn't that gaining something?

Anywhere, USA: I've been married to my husband for a little more than a year. We did not live together prior to marriage. He works from home and basically has unlimited flexibility as far as his hours go. I work full-time outside of the home form 9 a.m. to 6 p.m. and in addition take care of my kid, cook, shop, etc. This leaves little time for romance, except after 10 p.m., however, he insists on working every night from about 9 until after midnight and sleeps until about 8 a.m. each morning. When I complain about the lack of intimacy, and attribute it to our schedules, his response is that he will not be told when to go to bed at night. I feel starved and am getting more and more angry about it, and it's hurting our marriage. He also feels that he sacrificed a lot to marry me and that I owe him quite a bit, so pretty much anything he does is justified. I know we need counseling. Can you give me any advice in the meantime?

Carolyn Hax: "I'm not telling you when to go to bed, I'm asking you to spend time with me. When you make that sound like a chore, it hurts me terribly."

And counseling--there's little good that can come of keeping track of who owes what to a marriage. Good luck.

Ballston, Va.: Okay Carolyn, I'm the mid-20s guy that likes hanging out with his buddies more than his girlfriend, and I didn't swallow your advice very well. First of all, I love my girlfriend very much. She's my best friend but, there's a few more details I need to give you. She wants to move in/get married. This scares me -- a lot. It made me realize that no longer will I have the option to meet other women. It's not that I want to, but the option makes me feel more secure. Also, I feel like moving to the next level in a relationship will be like moving back in with my parents. You know, "When will you be home? Where are you going?" etc. I think this is one of the reasons that I'm enjoying hanging out with my buddies so much. It's as if my time to do so is running out. I think I just need a little time and maybe this will pass. Does any of this make sense and is it normal? Also, am I the only guy to think this way?

Carolyn Hax: Hello, Guy. Yes, it all makes sense and is all very normal. But you're mistaking "I love my girlfriend very much" with "I am ready to have a girlfriend." Every word of your question, both times, screams out that this is not the time and she's not the girl. When it is and she is, it will come as naturally to you as, oh, say, going to hang with your buddies.

This is not her fault or yours, it just is, and if you start beating yourself up or telling yourself you "owe" it to her to take things to the next step, you're begging to be a statistic. Please choke it down this time.

Washington, D.C.: Any ideas on how to deal with all of this scary stuff going on? Terrorism, snipers, war -- I am normally a happy-go-lucky person and I find myself weighted down with anxiety. I snap at people, and have crazy mood swings. Please help.

Carolyn Hax: I did, or at least I tried, last week--check out the transcript, and hang in there. Check the current average life expectancy against history, too, if you want a little perspective.

Seattle, Wash.: I wrote in last week about my sister's naming her baby after my father, and my mother's losing her mind over it.

Thanks so much for posting the question -- the replies were very useful. But I wanted to clarify one thing, and then see if it changes your answer. We (the kids) all knew my mother hates my father, and that we shouldn't mention him to her. But we didn't understand that his -name- would freak her out -- my mother announced her phobia of the name AFTER my sister chose to name the kid after my dad. My sister was thoughtless, probably, but not spiteful. She ran 50 other names past my mother and all of them were rejected for some reason or other. The name Richard even came up and my mother said she didn't like it because the kid would be called "Dickhead" at school, but it wasn't until she learned the name Richard was chosen to honor my father than she got upset. Anyway, my sister refuses to be manipulated and won't change the name because of the ultimatum my mother threw out (change the name or I'll never speak to you again), and my mother refuses to believe my sister was not deliberately slapping her in the face with the name. Mom has since seen her lawyer and changed her will to disinherit my sister, and has forbidden me or my brothers ever to mention her or the baby. Ever. Or she'll disinherit us too. I don't care about the stupid will, but I don't much appreciate the ultimatum.

So does that change your opinion of the whole family drama? Do you think there's any way to rescue this situation, or do I just pretend half my family doesn't exist when speaking to my mother? This is just sucking all the fun out of the new baby.

SOOO Confused.

Carolyn Hax: What a mess. Wish I'd never picked up that question, frankly. Some details do affect my opinion somewhat--the name choice does sound more innocent/clueless now than in the initial question--but there is still the issue that you and your sister's defenders here online have not addressed: that there is an innocent kid in the middle of this psychodrama. Even though I'm completely sympathetic to your sister's unwillingness to be bullied, it doesn't seem to have occurred to her or any of the dramatis personae to put the poor little guy first. Right now, he's No. 2 behind the power struggle. That's inexcusable.

I do include your unhinged mother among the inexcusables, and agree she is toxic and needs to be resisted. She's the majority of the problem here. But you say your mom rejected 50 names already--your sister couldn't take a stand on any of those? Or ever before? Or in any other way?

Now that it has escalated to this point, there's no right thing to do with the name. There is a right thing to do with mom, though, and that is for the other siblings to stand up to her. Meaning, you all refuse to cave into her ultimatum. Up to it?

As for your sister, I would recommend choosing a different name and nevertheless severing ties with mom, with, of course, the ongoing guidance of a good therapist. It removes the burden from the kid and still tells mom that her money and companionship are no longer welcome if they come with power-strings attached.

Regardless of what she does, your sister needs to get her feelings about Mumsly sorted out before she's raising someone herself. Please.

washingtonpost.com: Please don't waste time and space with the "slow today?" comments.

Carolyn Hax: Sorry for the dead air--that one took some doing.

San Mateo, Calif.: Is it my imagination, or does the girl in today's cartoon look a lot like you? I should add that I think Nick's cartoons are always very funny and a great complement to your column. Has he ever considered doing free-standing ones satirizing modern life among 20-somethings, like the social satires of the elegant-yet-fatuous that William Hamilton used to do?

Carolyn Hax: Idunno, what cartoon ran today in San Mateo? Syndication has these things appearing all over the calendar. I hope it wasn't the one with the rolls of toilet paper.

I'll pass your compliments along to Nick.

Richmond, Va.: I know how Ballston Guy feels. On one hand marriage seems a very normal and natural next step. On the other hand, noticing other women and having the option open does make you feel a little calmer. I wouldn't want to date anyone else, but why does the M-word feel so terrifying?

Carolyn Hax: Maybe because we sit here and talk about M-plosions for two hours every Friday.

It's a scary thing, and should be. But if you haven't known enough people and lived enough life and gotten to know yourself well enough to sense when someone is really, really good for you, and that you are for her, then you NEED to be SINGLE. It's not a dirty word.

And, maybe even when it feels right you'll meet someone else in 10 years. Life is cruel. But it's also in your control to the extent that you have the power to hold off on any major commitments while you're still questioning the wisdom of the bird-in-hand theory. There is a point where the idea of holding out for better seems almost laughable, and it's when you realize you're a grown man who is already looking across the table at better, and she feels the same way about you.

Carolyn Hax: When in doubt, wait till you're 30.

Wavering State: Your earlier response about who owes what to a marriage was a direct hit to the solar plexus. I have a follow-on question for you and the 'nuts: what if you vocally support your spouse's decision to make an unconventional or financially difficult career decision, and then mentally find yourself resenting it some of the time? Do you say, "I know I said I'd support you while you wrote the Great American Novel (or whatever), but sometimes I wish you'd just go get a job so we could buy a house." Is this normal?

Carolyn Hax: I;m sorry, didn't mean to thwack you.

I think you have to come clean. Admit that you went along with it because you love him/her and wanted to be a good sport, but find yourself resenting the new arrangement because you're less of a sport than you thought. It will be a tough conversation, but you have to have it before the resentment eats away at your core affection for this person. You can recover from a hard revelation, but not from the loss of all feeling.

Good News Situation: Hi Carolyn, here's a "good news" question! I recently found out some good news about a good friend. I found out inadvertently, and then learned that the friend was trying to tell everyone the good news HERSELF. I don't want to spoil that for her. So when she calls me with the "news," should I pretend as though it's the first time I'm hearing it?

Carolyn Hax: Pretend, not one of my favorite words. Assuming the leak was innocent and not a "don't tell her I told you, but ... ," just call her and congratulate her. If she's so controlling about her happy-news release that she gets angry at you for knowing, it's her issue, not yours. First law of news: stuff gets out.

"Looking Forward": Hi Carolyn, I'm the 24-year-old who wants to achieve something, from your Wednesday column. I feel a little snubbed by your response and also can't figure out your exact message. And to make matters worse, I am having a hard time articulating why. Can you try explaining your side again? Thanks so much for taking my question in the first place.

Carolyn Hax: Snubbed? Not my intention at all, nor did I intend to be incompehensible. Wow. Anyway, point was that you find the thing you love doing and want to do, and then you go work really hard at it, at the grunt level. If you happen to succeed, that's a nice bonus.

To want to succeed for the sake of succeeding is not only unrealistic, but a lot of pressure to put on yourself--especially when you made no mention (other than "writing," which doesn't get much more broad) of what you actually like or want to DO.

So. what do you want to DO with your time, talents, skills?

Baltimore, Md.: Hello,

I am getting married in May of 2003. My mother pushed me to pick my bridesmaids very early because of an engagement party that is being planned. OK, no problem, I just chose my three closest friends. They were not very close before all of this but now the three of them are inseparable. This has gotten to the point that the three of them do things together several times a week and I am never invited. Its starting to hurt my feelings. I have expressed this but they seem to think that since I am engaged that I'm not allowed or don't want to do "girl stuff." I was thinking about possibly not having them be in the wedding, but it's probably rude. How do I express to them that getting married does not mean im not allowed out to play?

Carolyn Hax: Invite them out to play?

Somewhere USA: What do you think about a husband who, for example, pinches you in the ribs when you're fully stretching -- runs his toenail up the bottom of your foot when you're sleeping -- little stuff like that then he says he's just teasing and you can't take a joke when you get upset? He also has to have sex every single day or he gets really pissed off.

Carolyn Hax: I think you have a husband who gets off on being in control of you, and I think you should call 1-800-799-SAFE to talk about this with someone trained to help you figure out what to do about it.

New York, N.Y.: Hi Carolyn,

Have always been the friend that was there 24 hours a day. I'm in college, and my friends are a very tight knit, somewhat incestuous bunch. By the summer I was feeling totally burned out from being responsible for everyone else all the time (they're good people, but I promised way too much to begin with; and I have my own s**t to deal with -- some depression, anxiety, abusive father). I was lucky to meet an absolutely wonderful guy who insists on being there for me as much as I am for him. Friends resent the hell out of my spending time with him because it means they see less of me; so much so that my overtures at spending time with some of them are getting not very nicely rebuffed. They see it as -- the group is a group that only works if it sees each other every day for many many hours. These are people I loved a lot for two years. Is it worth sticking around? I hate the idea of resolving things now only to have the same thing happen (i.e., same unacceptable reactions from them) over something else. Thoughts?

Carolyn Hax: Howdy. I don't think the fear of a repeat performance is a good enough reason not to try, esp since this is the first time you had this problem. Yeah, this group sounds needy and draining and might be one you eventually leave behind, but i wouldn't be so quick to give up, especially if you end up isolating yourself in Boyfriendland, not exactly healthy either. Pick out one groupie to whom you feel especially close and try talking to him/her solo about the way you're feeling. It might give you a different way to get heard, as well as a different perspective on why they're rebuffing you--or whether they even are.

Norwalk, Conn.: Carolyn,

I am 16. My parents were divorced when I was 3 and I lived with my mother for 12 years after that. She has remarried and I have four half-brothers and half-sisters in the family. My father is also remarried and I have two half brothers there, too. A year ago I was unhappy and decided to move in with my father at his home. There was legal stuff and they went to court. It got really ugly between my mother and father, uglier I am told than their divorce was. I have now lived with my father for over a year and mom was right -- I did make a big mistake. I am halfway through my junior year and should I just stay put rather than disrupt everything again and try to go back?

Carolyn Hax: That's a lot for you to be taking on by yourself, either way. Do you have a counselor at your school who could walk you through this?

I also hope you aren't blaming yourself for the ugliness. You made the decision to switch, which you were entitled to do, and at that point it was up to your parents to handle it amicably. They simply didn't or couldn't, for whatever reason.

Re: Husband won't come to bed: I was in a very similar situation about two years into marriage. My husband claimed he was working on writing a novel all those hours, and said he needed that quiet time after I went to bed to work.

Turns out he was looking at online porn, and the only intimacy he was having was with himself! Looong story short, it ended in divorce and I finally now see the control issues and withholding intimacy. Sad, really.

Carolyn Hax: Very. I'm sorry. You're right about the control thing.

London, U.K.: My problem in a nutshell: Moved country to join my husband in his home country. We've been married one year, and I am under extreme stress due to our finances. Prior to moving, my husband vowed to support me while I looked for a job (which took six months to find -- I'm in a specialized field). But, due to husband's bad business decisions, we had to empty out my savings to make rent. Now that I am working, I am paying for everything. This wasn't our deal. I understand that things come up, but I don't make enough to support us. He, meanwhile, is temping two days a week (he has the option to do more), and pursuing a music career the rest (which I support -- EMOTIONALLY). He's bounced our rent checks twice (with my earnings), we have collection agents knocking. He spent my money for grad school "by accident," causing me to drop out. The bank has cancelled our debit cards. I'm alone,in a foreign country, without close friends, and very stressed. I love him, but I'm no longer attracted to him because of the stress and disappointment. WE've talked so much, and he acts like I think that he's stealing from me. Everytime we discuss, we're both really emotional, and he just says it's a rough time. Meanwhile, I fanticize about leaving -- I've put on weight, I'm depressed, and talking to a therapist. Should I leave?

Carolyn Hax: Maybe for a while, if you can't get him into counseling with you. Separation is reversible, and if you feel like you're losing it, it might be time to put your health first.

Wilmington, Del.: How should one react to a spouse who responds to stress and pressure by attacking me verbally and making life hellish? We talk about it, she's always apologetic afterwards, but when it's happening it gets downright cruel; i.e., challenging my masculinity; telling me I'm useless; complaining that I'm not "able to fix things like other husbands do." We've tried marriage counseling, but they teach communication techniques and when I try to employ them, she laughs. We've been married for eight years, but it's the same attacks every month (yes, it's most definitely related to PMS -- I've done the charts). Most upsetting, it's the same fight month after month after month. (I leave books on the nighttable -- because I read in bed. I don't fold my clothes and hang them before going to sleep. The neighborhood yards look better than ours because their plants are thriving and ours is a new house with new landscaping.) I mean, I realize I'm no cup of tea, but I'm trying to become the person she wants me to be and we dated for two years before getting married, so she knew who I was beforehand. When she's not upset, she admits that I've come light years from being a messy bachelor. However, after one month of being married, she started demanding I change and made our happiness contingent upon it. Further, she said she saw no reason to compromise on anything because "she was right and I was wrong." Honest!

She takes anti-depressants and various other Prozac/Celexa/Wellbutrin type items, and I want to be supportive and I don't want to abandon her. But where and when does one draw the line? Again, she always apologizes tearfully and says shes trying to get better, and I think she's sincere. But, as a friend pointed out, that's how abusers operate. She saw a shrink, but it didn't take and it left a bad taste in her mouth. She won't try another. "Witch Doctors that charge $180 an hour." I love her, but lately life has been a 24-hour banquet of broken glass.

Carolyn Hax: I'm with your friend--that is how abusers operate. Check out www.peaceathome.org so you can read your home life in print.

Even if she is ill and it's not her choice, per se, to be this way, she is choosing not to get the proper care and therefore choosing to drag you down into hell with her. Again, that's abuse.

Long Island, N.Y.: Dating a 27-year-old guy since end of May (he's getting a divorce from twice cheating wife and has an almost-3-year-old), I will be 29 by the end of the year. Haven't heard much from him in these past few weeks, and finally was told (last Friday) that I am a "nag" and he was annoyed that I always have to know what he was up to -- which I didn't have a clue I was doing. So, I asked why he couldn't have told me that sooner so that I could've watched myself and it was the "I didn't want to hurt you" answer -- mind you, not hearing from him these last few weeks has been very hurtful. So, I am trying to get a straight answer as to where we stand -- i.e., do I return the Christmas and birhtday presents I have for him and his son? Do I find another date to my reunion (not that I need a date, I can go solo)? I can't get him to return my calls or e-mails -- and I am trying so hard to avoid being a nag. I just want answers! I haven't called his cell phone in a week. I'm calling his home phone when I think he'll be there (he has caller ID, so he may very well be there). I know he reads his e-mail because I can check the status. My question is, at what point to I just stop and deal with not getting the answers? I will be seeing him, we have the same things in common and attend the same functions, so it's not like I just say forget him! I really liked him and was willing to wait things out, but at this point, I don't know. Thanks!

Carolyn Hax: Um. You already got your answers, at least a week ago. It's over, you and he don't stand anywhere any more, and your relentless pursuit of him could get you in legal trouble if you don't lay off. I won't endorse his silent treatment, for the reason you said--it always hurts tenfold more to be ignored than to be given bad news to your face--but, damn, LI, you need to recognize a straight answer when you get one, even when it's unspoken.

Given your pressure on him now, I don't doubt you put pressure on him while you were dating. Think seriously about your relationship habits, ask your friends what they see you doing, ask friendly exes, if you have any, and consider counseling, too. This just ain't healthy.

I am ashamed at this StupidVainPetty Question: Almost embarrassed to write this because it makes me sound like a whiner. But this is anonymous, so here goes:

Friend has Web site of exploits overseas, very cool Web site. While visiting me he took a candid of me that is HORRIBLE. I seriously look awful, and I can usually shrug off bad pictures, but this one is now on the 'net. This is the ONLY picture of me on the site. My eyes are rolling back, I have a "I ate stinky cheese" expression on my face, not smiling. Awful.

I have asked friends what they think and they have said "ooh, bad picture" or that it doesn't look like me or whatever. Most think it looks awful. Some actually went "OK, thought you were whining, but it IS AWFUL."

I mentioned this to my friend and his gfriend, also my friend, and they think it's a good picture. If this is true then I LOOK like that and I am horrified. I think I look fine, but the camera doesn't lie. Is there any way of not being stupid without saying "I reallllly hate this picture?" I brought it up but they think I am being silly. I am being silly, but it's awful! Don't make me show it to you. The HORROR. I know this is stupid and infantile and I don't know why I care. I feel like a brat given what is going on in the world. But hey, maybe fluff can lighten up the day? Hope you answer or at least provide a good laugh.

Carolyn Hax: How's this to make you feel better: Because of some inconsistent labeling, a hideous, gnarled, fatfaced mug shot of me wound up getting distributed in lieu of the one that I had chosen (hideous, gnarled, thinfaced). I found this out only because I was traveling and saw it in the Providence Journal and had a five-alarm hissy in my friends' living room. So I begged for it to be recalled--not just replaced, recalled. So it's not just you. There are other brats who have lost sight of what's going on in the world.

In less reassuring news, I'm not sure, now that you've approached your friends and been rebuffed, there's much else you can do without coming off as a nut. (If it helps, I disagree with their decision not to pull it; I mean, what point is there in making you feel bad?) Still, one bad picture does not an ugly chick make, even when it's on the Web. All of us are in somebody's photo archives chewing, blinking, or otherwise looking like sh*t. Most of us still manage to be loved by our fellow man--even more so when we demonstrate to them that we don't care how bad we look in their pictures. What can you do.

Los Angeles, Calif.: Carolyn, Just wanted to tell you that after a couple of years of hearing you (and others) talk about the helpfulness of therapy I've finally plunged into it. My relationship ended a little over a month ago, and it was almost entirely my fault. I was the harsh, moody, depressed one who made life hell for him and us. I didn't see it until it was too late. But I realized that although that relationship was over, I still had to deal with me.

I have my third visit next week and I'm also starting peer group therapy sessions in a couple of weeks. I cry to my therapist, I laugh a little and I battle it out with her listening and questioning. It's worth it.

Carolyn Hax: Great news, thanks.

To Norwalk 16-year-old: I went through the exact same thing when I was your age. I followed my own wishes, even though it made things VERY VERY ugly for a while, and it was the best decision I ever made.

Your parents will probably accuse you of playing them against each other, negotiating for a "better deal," or other things. They will try to make you feel like a spoiled brat, as if being forced to choose which parent you live with is a luxury they've given you on par with a giant trust fund.

They will probably also make you feel like the ugliness is proof of their love for you, and you changing your mind after they went through all that ugliness is a rejection of their love.

Please be strong and do what you think is best for YOU, not your parents or your siblings. Make the decision based on all the factors in your life (such as school, friends, activities) and not just your house and family. Don't let a fear of further ugliness deter you, because the ugliness is not your fault. You're doing the best you can, they're supposed to be the adults.

Another thing to keep in mind: you may find that your parents become more distant, as if you're living in your own apartment within the house. It's not fair, but if you make sure you're taking care of yourself (since your parents aren't mature enough to take care of you) you will survive. Good luck!

Carolyn Hax: Good stuff, thanks.

Washington, D.C.: Hi Carolyn,

Did you hear about Terrell Owens signing that football during the game last Monday night?

How about THAT?

Carolyn Hax: Howdy. I did. Fortunately I was asleep for it (translation: propped up with remote on lap and drooling), though I actually find it encouraging that it Did Not Go Over Well.

San Francisco, Calif.: My fiance and I have been engaged for three months. Love him to bits, don't like my engagement ring. He knows it, it hurts his feelings, and has offered to replace it, but I am torn between getting a ring I would like more, and keeping the one he picked for me (sentimental reason there). It's not materialism -- I don't care how much it cost, it's just cosmetic -- I don't like how it looks. Should I try to learn to like it, or just get a new one?

Carolyn Hax: Since he knows you don't like it, the worst of it has been done, right? Can you get the stone(s) reset?

Somewhere, USA: Carolyn,

What do you do if you think that your mom seems to be colder toward you than she used to and seems even fonder of another daughter? My sister has had lots of problems and is not very respectful of my parents but my mother seems happier to see her and looks at her when we are all together and my mom is talking. I am 30 and have had a serious boyfriend for about a year and a half so I do spend less time with my parents than I did when I just went on dates with various guys. I know she is happy that I am seeing someone seriously but I wonder if I made things even worse. Should a person talk to their mom if she seems to be less fond of them??

Carolyn Hax: Certainly you can ask her if you've done something to put distance between you recently. But if you really are being punished for putting more of your energy into your own life these days, the family dynamic might be due for some scrutiny, including your role in it. Are you and other siblings often in the business of corralling mom's attention, even at 30, and is she one to give or withhold it based on merit? That's just not right.

Washington, D.C.: Carolyn,

My friend jumps from one bad relationship to another. When I say something about her boyfriend not acting like he respects her etc she flips out, and I wait about six months to say anything else.

She's hypersenstive, and self-destructive. Is there anything I can do? Should do?

Carolyn Hax: If there were something you could do, I'd be hawking it on QVC from my private island. She jumps from one bad relationship to another -because- she's hypersensitive and destructive, and she won't listen to you because her being bad at relationships doesn't stop at boyfriends. You can do things that encourage her to respect herself, make good choices, communicate, etc., by example if nothing else, but you can't make her well.

Somewhere, USA: To Anywhere, with the night-working husband:

My husband and I have a similarly discordant schedule. We came to a compromise: I don't bug him about his odd hours, and he comes to bed with me for an hour every night (usually about 10:30-11:30). We have "bedtime" to talk or whatever, and then I drift off to sleep and he goes back to his office.

It has really helped us.

Jen

Carolyn Hax: That's nice. Thanks.

Painsville, USA: Dear Carolyn,

Dated a women for six months, got engaged (wedding to take place almost a year after we began dating), then, after two months began questioning our decision to get married. I tried telling here that this probably wasn't good for either of us right now (I thought I was yelling but may have been whispering, at least to her ears.) and that we should postpone the wedding until we worked a few problems out. After finally convincing her of this three months before the wedding, she said fine, took the ring off and started having (an)other relationship(s) while still living with me. Question: Is it in my right to get the engagement ring back? Thanks.

Carolyn Hax: Talk to a lawyer. I think so, but there's case law here that matters a whole lot more than what I think.

Good call on postponing the wedding!

Please Help!: How do you find a good marriage counselor? I don't have anyone to get a referral from. There must be a better way than the yellow pages. What kinds of things do you ask prospective counselors? I'm a resourceful person, but I am running in circles here. Thanks.

Carolyn Hax: Does your employer have an Employee Assistance Program? You can also ask your regular doctor for a referral, or call some professional counseling associations (I think there's an Assn. of Marriage and Family Therapists, or you can just try the American Psychological Association). Also, clinics with reputable affiliations tend to be a safe bet--universities, hospitals, mainstream churches. Once you find one person, even if you don't click, you can get that person to suggest other people to see. Good luck.

Washington, D.C.: Carolyn,

Do you think that two people that were married and are now legally separated and will be divorced soon can be friends? No past history of cheating or financial troubles, just grew apart. Thank you.

Carolyn Hax: Firsthand, yes. Even after the divorce.

Gotta run. Thanks, happy weekend and type to you next week.

washingtonpost.com:

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