Washingtonpost.com: Live Online

Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.

Appearing every Wednesday, Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ® offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 30-something repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that’s about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.

The transcript follows.

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Annapolis, Md.: Hi Carolyn,

Your outlook is amazing, so I'm wondering if you can help me reconcile something. Often when people write to you and say they're having a problem with someone's limitations in a relationship (e.g., longtime friend is incapable of solace, always ditches you for S.O., whatever), you'll say: Is what you're getting from this person enough to overlook those shortcomings?

However, you say elsewhere that it's a feeble approach to people to pick and choose what aspects of their personality you're willing to accept, and that since they come as a whole package you should either like or dislike them as a whole.

What's up?

Carolyn Hax: Thanks for the amazing. I actually don't see those two things you cites as contradictory. The message in both is the same: Does this person, overall, make you happy? Certainly there will be isolated traits in anyone that will drive us nots, but while dwelling on them isn't productive, stepping back and taking them in as part of the big picture is. So, same-same.

Incoherent Mess: Hi Carolyn. I have some problems communicating with my boyfriend. We don't disagree very often, but the few times I want to discuss something that bothers me, I try to explain myself, then get frustrated by my circular reasoning, and burst into tears. By the end of the conversation, I'm apologizing to my boyfriend for the fact that I got mad in the first place. I KNOW that's not normal.

I think it must be related to my childhood (isn't everything?). I grew up in a loud, combative home, and I literally locked myself in the bathroom to try to escape the yelling matches. I have never raised my voice and typically try to avoid confrontations with my boyfriend (Interestingly enough, I have no problem standing up to my friends, family, or random strangers that talk on their cell phones during the movies.)

I wish my boyfriend would be more patient and help me express my feelings. But alas, he's not that type -- usually he sighs about how he doesn't understand what I'm trying to say (and, admittedly, I am incoherent.) This is my first serious relationship so I don't know if this would be a recurring problem, or if it's a symptom of the takecharge, rational man I am involved with. Any tips for better communication?

Carolyn Hax: When you try to explain yourself to him, are you really explaining yourself, or are you trying to put things in such a way as to make them palatable enough for him not to get upset and dump you? The difference between your examples of "standing up" successfully to people in general and being flummoxed by the BF could be as basic as a fear of loss. With others, you aren't afraid to say "take me or leave me," but with him you are.

possible?

Arlington, Va.: I wanted to let you know you were incorrect about the eloping bride who felt it was tacky to wear her wedding gown to a post-elopement reception held by her mother. In fact, it is very proper and endorsed by no other that Amy Vanderbilt in her etiquette book. The bride simply omits the veil.

Carolyn Hax: Thanks for jumping in there with the correction, but I never ruled either way on the tackiness issue. The bride doesn't want to wear a gown. The bride should not be pressured to wear a gown.

And why why why do people insist on giving a ****?

Frankfort, Ky.: How to sum it up in 50 words or less? I strongly suspect SO's teenage son is up to no good (immoral, but not illegal, behavior) and transparently lying about it to SO. SO, whom I strongly suspect simply doesn't want to get into it with teenager (values "smooth sailing" above all else), is pretending to buy teenager's lies. All their choice (if not "well and good") so far. The conflicts arise when SO expects me to also buy into teenager's lies (that is, not notice obvious incongruities in illogical stories; tacitly agree when SO brags of teenager's impeccable behavior, etc.). Not only is this against my morals (my valuing "truth" above all else) and hard to do with a straight face, the fact that my SO prefers to live in total denial of reality (or, even worse, is sincerely snowed by this act) makes it hard for me to respect her as a person. Advice?

Carolyn Hax: I dunno. I think willful denial is worse than being an innocent victim of snow, even snow that's laughably thin.

When you are called on to buy into teenager's lies, simply say you wish you could but you see story inconsistencies that you can't ignore. It's integrity without crossing the line into accusations. If she attacks you for it, you know what I'd say about that so I won't even type it.

Fairfax, Va.: Carolyn,

Who would you say is responsible for this situation?:

If you tell a desperate friend not to come over at night, that you'll go out the next night when you have free time, yet the friend comes over anyway, driving under the influence of alcohol on a suspended license, and all you want to do is sleep, is it your responsibility to let that friend stay over, drive that friend back home, or tell him to get out?

Thanks.

Carolyn Hax: If this person were not a danger to others, I'd vote for the last option. Since the DUI means other lives were at stake, though, I think I'd have to go with the second. The first, while easiest, rewards the desperate act, and therefore encourages the person to try it again sometime.

This is the answer when you treat it as a word problem, ie, in a vacuum that doesn't take into account how late the friend shows up, how far a drive it is, how early you have to get up in the morning, or how alert you have to be the next day.

Dating Etiquette: Hey Carolyn: You're pretty firm in your no-sex-before-a-relationship policy -- but I'm curious -- what about all the stuff in between making out and actual sex?

Carolyn Hax: No no no, please don't call it a policy. I have a firm policy against policies.

I'm also pretty firm in my belief that people shouldn't take on more sexually than they're emotionally prepared to handle, and that, for most people, rules out sex with people they haven't yet grown to trust. Some people have the disposition to handle free love, and, hey, who am I to stop them; it's just that most people who think they have it end up finding out the hard way that they don't, and then I get the results in the form of a question.

Anyway, your question. All the in-between stuff falls under the same philosophy. If you're going to hate yourself in the morning and/or suddenly get all insecure about the person you're doing stuff with ("we hooked up last weekend and wahhh he's been avoiding me ever since," don't do it.

Atlanta, Ga.: A few months ago I started dating a guy seven years younger than me. It didn't bother me then because I am not really looking to settle down, but I have come to realize that he is someone I definitely could settle down with. We have a lot in common, have similar goals and values, and so far communication and conflict resolution has been open and successful. We are in the same field, but I am established and he is just starting out (we don't work together and our paths rarely cross).

But I feel like he has so much to look forward to, why would he want to settle down at 25 with an older woman. Are we doomed? I know it is important to take is slow, but are there any inherent pitfalls that I should be aware of?

Carolyn Hax: Seems to me you're already aware of the one real pitfall, in that he might have some more living/growing/exploring to do before he feels sure of his choices/settles down/breeds. But if you like each other, you kind of just have to roll with it.

Jealousy, Normal?: My girlfriend of a year won't let me go for coffee with my female friends. She says the rule applies to her as well, but she has recently gone to an ex's to "sort out some issues -- NOT to hang out." To me, this is about trust. I don't really care too much if she goes for coffee with guys once in awhile -- I don't love it, but I will deal, because I trust her, but it sounds like that's not reciprocal. Is this normal?

Carolyn Hax: "Let"? "Rule"? Puke.

She doesn't trust -herself- to keep you in the event of even the slightest, remotest bit of sexual competition, and she doesn't have a healthy enough view of relationships to see that you could go out solo with all of the +/- 3 billion women on earth and only a minuscule fraction of a percent would feel even a flicker of attraction to you (nothing personal of course), and you would reciprocate that attraction with a minuscule percentage of those, and you would act on that attraction, depending on your character, quite possibly in 0 percent.

Think about the whole idea that a person's simply being female constitutes an automatic sexual threat? It's as if, in her mind, men and women are jumping each other on sidewalks simply because they're men and women.

Anyway. I suppose I should throw in the disclaimer that if you're flirty with your female friends or if you don't resist when they throw themselves at you, she might have cause to feel scared. But even then, there's this healthy new thing called "talking about it" that puts us right back where we started, puking over stupid and scared little rules.

Do you want me to advise how to deal with them, or can I cut the the outcome? It's multiple choice: 1. she grows up 2. you leave 3. you both go through hell.

Thrive in relationship: Hi, I thrive in relationship. I've been alone most of my life (mid-30s), so it's not like I don't have experience being with myself, but during those times when I've been blessed to have someone in my life for a while, I thrive, I grow, I become a better person. I've resisted this realization for years because it sounds awfully close to "I need a man to be whole/happy." But there it is. So naturally, I'm not "making friends" with the idea that I may be alone always, because I know that relationship is a prerequisite for personal growth for me. How can I give that up, accept aloneness?

Carolyn Hax: Does this relationship have to be sexual?

Bethesda, Md.: Hi Carolyn,

I loved your advice this morning to the guy (am I remembering the gender right?) who fell for one of the two people he was seeing. Something very similar just happened to me in online-dating land. The guy wrote and said something like "Hey, you're great, but I have to tell you I've decided to pursue things with someone else -- hope you understand," and while I felt a pang at being rejected I basically seconded his emotion and was glad to have it all resolved. I would add to your suggestions: Don't patronize the rejectee by assuming he/she is in love with you and is going to be devastated (e.g., "I am so very sorry to have to do this to you").

Carolyn Hax: Hi. Thanks for the backup, and the excellent word--patronize. Wish I'd used it meself.

Confused, Washington, D.C.: Carolyn,

Here's my ridiculous story. I agreed to move in with my boyfriend, then a month or so later I broke up with him, because while he's a good person, I think, also, too emotionally demanding for me. A friend has called me a flake for pulling out of a housing situation before, I don't want to do that to people, but I'm not sure this is the best situation for me. I just don't know though, so I'd love to hear your opinion, because I think sometimes I do things for other people more than myself, but then sometimes I think I'm awfully selfish.

Carolyn Hax: So you want another third party telling you how you feel? You're confused and reversing yourself last-minute because you're not trusting your own voice, and I'm not going to add to that. Trust your own voice. When you're not sure you're hearing it correctly, refrain from making major decisions until you are. It works, I swear.

Worried this will always be a date-breaker: Hi Carolyn,

I'm starting a new relationship, and I don't know how to broach something. I was gang-raped, about five and a half years ago (and, actually, once before, when I was 12 -- the story is complex). The guy I was seeing when it happened dumped me when he found out (some of my friends did, too), and the only other one I told couldn't touch me anytime he thought about it, or whenever I mentioned it.

I've more or less come to grips with it. And my friends know -- I finally told some of the friends I met more recently, albeit with great trepidation. But they were fine with it; on the other hand, I'm not intimate with them.

It hasn't come to that point yet, in this relationship. But it will, eventually, and I don't know how you bring it up, and I don't know when.

Any advice/suggestions? I don't need therapy now. And I know myself well enough to know that much, at least.

Carolyn Hax: This morning the relentless badness of the news just got me so down, and your question gave me that same feeling. Sometimes humankind owes itself an apology.

It sounds like you've come through it all amazingly well, and that you've finally got some friends worth knowing. Yay to that. As far as men go, only you can know when to tell--and i think if you listen carefully, you will know, when the conversations turn to more intimate revelations and when the outcome of these conversations is satisfying to you. I also think that if a guy doesn't hug you and ask what he should and shouldn't do in response to it, then you need to rethink the guy.

Follow-up to "Teenage Lies": (If your chat is sufficiently slow today). She does indeed attack me for "being suspicious of" and "not liking" her son (whenever I doubt a story or in any way suggest that he may not be morally superior to other teenagers), and this is a huge problem in our relationship. I could refrain from commenting one way or the other if she weren't constantly bragging about his achievements without ever acknowledging his failings and faults but, on a deeper level, isn't this really a great moral divide between us? Is there a bridge? Type away.

Carolyn Hax: The only bridge is more honesty--"I do like him but I can't ignore inconsistencies, and it hurts me to be vilified for respecting you enough to point them out"--but if she doesn't want to cross it with you, moral divide it is. I;m surprised the constant bragging hasn't done you in on its own, even if you did believe he was clean.

Carolyn Hax: BTW, I'm slow, but the Q queue never is. Especially today--dunno if it's bad news or bad weather or what, but i think we're setting some kind of record for question length today.

Reno, Nev.: What are the signs that your wife might be cheating on you?

Carolyn Hax: Whatever they are, talk to your wife about them without using the C word. Either of them.

OK, then help me with this: You say "I'm also pretty firm in my belief that people shouldn't take on more sexually than they're emotionally prepared to handle, and that, for most people, rules out sex with people they haven't yet grown to trust."

In my case, when my BF and I were talking about having sex, I decided that I was ready to try trusting MYSELF to be emotionally vulnerable and trust this person sexually. Where does the confusion lie here? Make sense?

Carolyn Hax: I don't see any confusion. There's so little difference between trusing someone and trusting yourself with that person that I think it's even misleading to make a distinction. Carry on ...

Thrive in relationship: Good point. Probably. Of course I have other relationships, but none of them have the intensity or level of companionship that an exlusive romantic partnership provides. I see other friends a couple of times a month, or once a week, tops. When I'm in a sexual relationship, I see that person several times a week. There is more intimate rapport because that can be sustained when that person is available so much of the time. That person meets a need (not just sexual, although that's fabulous, too) that other relationships don't. And I don't want to live without that.

Carolyn Hax: I'm not sure anybody does, when you get right down to it. But some if not most people -do- have to live without it, even married people--or, especially married people, if they've decided they're in it for life despite an absence of intimate rapport. It's a wonderful thing when you have it, a bummer when you don't.

But--there's a difference between putting that bummer at the center of your life, and living in such a way as to take advantage of it. There will always be rewarding pursuits out there, and some of them are actually less available, if not completely off-limits, to people with intimate bonds that demand, rightly, a lot of their attention. Think of all the people who have to step down reluctantly from this or that because they're too busy and stressed out and haven't seen their families in 10 years. Think of what those 10 years were spent doing, and those are the opportunities open to someone in your position.

I also don't believe these other pursuits and intimacy are mutually exclusive; I've just watched someone who thought his years of work were just that, work, until he went through a really tough time, and the people who rallied around and embraced him were the people he worked with all those years. Just a different way of looking at things.

HUH?: What's the other C word?

washingtonpost.com: Um, given the context of the question that word would be CHEAT. -- Lisa.

Carolyn Hax: The long-suffering Lisa, how I set her up. Sorry, L.

Olney, Md.: In these troubling days, I find myself over-reacting to all manners of situations instead of thinking calmly. You seem to be the voice of reason by always stating the obvious that the harried overlook. What is your method for peace of mind?

Carolyn Hax: I am not local any more, so I can't possibly preach peace of mind as if I know what you guys are feeling.

Since this hasn't exactly been a secure year or two for this country in general, though, nor for me personally, I will presume to throw in the one thing that has kept me tethered throughout. These things may be news, but death is not new. It comes, it goes, it always gets the last word, and the MoCo victims are just as lost as the WTC victims who are just as lost as some guy in Mass General who died of congestive heart failure in June. You are still safer pumping gas than you are driving your car. So, live. You really have no other choice.

Feeling Antagonized: I'm currently in the midst of a late 20s crisis: I lost a parent in May, I'm working in a job I hate, applying to grad school, without a roommate and suffering financially, trying to finish losing weight, suffering from a break-up, balancing two volunteer positions, etc. I'm doing all of this without ANY (and I mean ANY) friends. So, when I have to cut out an obligation, I say "I'm swamped" and get fed back lines like "Well, at least you don't have kids/we're all busy, you're no different." But, guess what? I AM AT MY LIMIT! How come people don't want to accept my extreme levels of current stress as a reality?

Carolyn Hax: This probably isn't the answer you had in mind, but why do you need people to accept your stress? When you have to say no, say no, and thereafter it stops being your problem. It's not the sunniest way to go about things since we all just want to be liked, but at the same time, these people could also do their share by being likable/compassionate, and they aren't. So, you streamline as necessary, as kindly as possible, and celebrate when someone along the way actually gets it and supports you. That's the person you should vow to become when this mess passes (as all messes do) and you recognize others in a similar mess down the road. Hang in there.

Peaceful state: Good way to block out current events--read and reread the complete works of Jane Austen.

Carolyn Hax: I want your schedule.

Good taste in books, though.

Carolyn Hax: Now I;m seeing posts from people who got that the first c-word was "cheat," but don't know what the other one is. What is this world coming to.

Washington, D.C.: Hi Carolyn,

On the 27th, I'll be attending my college homecoming and need some advice on how to handle running into my ex-boyfriend.

Background: We dated four years during and after college, then he suddenly left me, saying he needed a change. We had no resolution -- no talks afterwards, no apologies, no understanding.

Carolyn Hax: I'd suggest, "Hi." You don't really have a whole lot to gain from the other approaches.

Mr. Zero, USA: Dear Carolyn,

When is it OK to just say no? Specifically, my friend is dating a parasitic loser with no social skills or manners and regularly invites him to events I've organized. So when she asks if he can come along, or if I'll facilitate his presence in some way, is it ever OK to say "over my dead body"? This is a particular problem when other friends are bringing their boyfriends -- the "girls night out" thing is then implausible. I know I should just get over it, but his mere presence really detracts from the overall experience.

Thanks for your input!

Carolyn Hax: Actually, I'd love to hear Peanut offerings on this one, since it's an unresolved problem of a certain somebody I know. (Okay, K, there's your cue.) So far, the grin and bear it is the only peaceful solution, but it's the one that punishes the virtuous and rewards the parasitic and those who love them. Plus, there's the integrity issue--what do you say when you're asked? "Sure!"? Tough one. Again, I think all you can do is try to pretend he's not there, but I'm open to better ideas.

washingtonpost.com: Nobody knows a good filthy insult anymore. -- Lisa.

Carolyn Hax: We have our work cut out for us then. Soldier on!

Washington, D.C.: I'm in college, and just started dating someone. Before we got together, we had one of those incredible happens-only-in-college talks where he revealed to me that he had been abused for most of his life by his father. Understandibly, this has had huge repercussions in his self-esteem, etc., and as a result, he's never really dated before. Though dating someone less experienced isn't a problem (because I'm hardly all that experienced myself), with this, I feel like the stakes are that much higher, and I'm not sure how I can support him while he works through his fears and anxieties about this. So far, we've resolved to just go reeeeeeealy slow, but is there anything else that I could do?

Carolyn Hax: Maybe another incredible happens-after-college-too-thankyouverymuch conversation about the fact that the only way you can support him through this that is truly fair to both of you is to appreciate him for who he is, though with some extra patience thrown in. That means you both agree to let this thing run its course, which therefore means you both accept that it might not work out for reasons that have nothing to do with what happened to him. The real risk with revealing this stuff, and supporting those who do, is letting the awful past hijack everything to the point where he can't just be a normal person any more. The best you can do is let him be one.

Seattle, Wash.: My mother says she has a phobia about hearing my father's name (they've been divorced for 25 years). All the kids know not to mention my father to my mother, but my sister, who is pregnant, wants to name her baby after my father. My mother freaked and said she won't have anything to do with either my sister or her first grandchild if my sister doesn't change the name. My sister won't budge, I'm stuck in the middle, and my mother is wallowing around in her hurt feelings and won't listen to reason. Her friends and my brothers are on her side. I think it's stupid. My question--is she just trying to manipulate my sister, or is it possible to really have a phobia over someone's name?

Stuck in the Middle

Carolyn Hax: Wait a minute. Your -mom- is being manipulative? Hello? What's your sister after here? Not that your mom is being reasonable, because she's not, but it's hard to think of your sister's naming plans as anything but flipping mom a pretty fat bird. If sis has something to say to your mom, she should just say it.

Babies all over the place.

To Mr. Zero: This peanut weighs in (though my feed might be too slow to get to you on time): Lately I've reached the conclusion that a host should not be required to invite, or expand existing invitations to, people they really don't care to see. If they were indifferent about the non-invited guest, then a "whatever" would be cool, but if they really just don't like them, I think the host has every right to just say, "I'd rather s/he not come."

Carolyn Hax: I like it, but: even when it means the friend who's dating the zero doesn't come, either? And what about when the friend is not just a friend but family?

Fairfax, Va.: Be honest with your friend. "I'm not crazy about this guy. Also, he just doesn't blend in gracefully." What makes him a parasite and a loser, other than having zilch social skills, anyway? If the guy feels dangerous, she should lay it on the line that she does NOT feel comfortable having him over, period. If he's just annoying and rude, notify the friend. Not everybody wants to force their friends to endure people they hate.

Carolyn Hax: Yay to the "I'm not crazy about this guy," but "he just doesn't blend in gracefully" gives me the heebies. That suggests someone shy or, down the slippery slope, physically and/or demographically incorrect can be legitimately excluded. I think you're on sounder turf with the dangerous thing--ie, it's okay to exclude if the guy acts in a way that offends or threatens others.

Parasitic boyfriend: Unfortunately, I truly believe that you can't ask a friend not to bring their boyfriend, ESPECIALLY if everyone else in the gang is bringing their SOs. I mean, Do you want to keep this person as your friend? Of course, you could talk to her about why she is dating someone that is so awful. Sometimes even when painful, and horrible, you have to just grin and bear it. Hopefully there are another other people to talk to. Life's full of times like that. Another solution would be to just hang out with this friend without her SO. It sucks, but you have to think of the feelings of your friend.

Carolyn Hax: This makes the most sense to me, including the use of "unfortunately." Poysonally, I can count a lot of friendships that faded over the years because of the offensive-partner syndrome. Sad.

Wrong answer!: Carolyn...why should a daughter refrain from naming her child with the same name as her father? Sounds like the mom's a freakoid already and perhaps the daughter has a close relationship with her father. Sounds like mom definitely has the "I want to be in control" personality.

Carolyn Hax: I wrong-answer your "Wrong answer!" The daughter should refrain from naming her child after her father when it's an obvious slap to the mom. The "I want to be in control" personality sounds accurate, but clearly it has been handed down to the daughter.

Phoenix AZ: I think mom needs to grow-up and it's time that some flipped her a big bird.... literally. Dad did exist at one time, he was good enough to father her children, now mom is making her children act as if dad never existed. Give me a break!
The pregnant daughter should name her child whatever she likes and if it makes mommy upset, that's too bad! After 25 years of being divorced it's time to move on and get over it.

Carolyn Hax: By being fed a silimarly stupid, arbitrary and passive-aggressive maneuver? No no no! Please! You don't indulge a person for 25 years and then flip her off. You simply stop indulging her, preferably 25 years ago, but now's fine too. And egads, you don't throw a kid in the middle as a helpless little pawn.

Babies everywhere AND people to support them. Depressing.

A City, a state: Here's the short of it. About three weeks ago, I attempted suicide, obviously failed. Most of my friends bolted on me, for various reasons. Roommate moving out. Am working, in school, in therapy. Feel I need my "friends" now more than ever. Family is across country. Feel totally alone. How do I pick up and move on emotionally without physically running away? How do I prove to these people that I'm trying to get better? It sucks to feel this alone.

Carolyn Hax: No doubt, I'm sorry. I would ask your therapist to suggest a support group. Instant sympathizers who aren't going to run away from the tough things you're feeling right now, plus a welcome reminder to you that you are absolutely not alone.

Re. Mr. Zero and what the world is coming to: Absolutely true that a host shouldn't invite those whose company isn't wanted. However, there's a difference between a hosted event, where I think it's better to exclude someone who makes the rest of the company uncomfortable or irritable, and a group get-together, of the let's get together at the bar after work variety. Don't invite the jerk to the former, give his girlfriend the choice of attending by herself without him, but no reason to exclude him from the latter.

Carolyn, don't you think it's rather sweet, with all the creepiness going on, that there are people out there who don't know to which C-word you're referring?

Carolyn Hax: That's a nice way to look at it. Actually, two nice ways. Maybe I'll end on this note. Thanks.

Bye-bye, thanks, and type to you guys next Friday.

Re: Seattle's sister: You really don't believe that the sister maybe loves her Dad? That's impossible? It HAS to be about being mean to manipu-mom?

Carolyn Hax: There are better ways to show love than pitting one parent against another.

I guess that ruined the grace note.

re: baby name: I think I'm missing something here - If sis were getting married and mom refused to attend if sis had dad walk her down the aisle, you'd say to tell mom she'll be missed at the wedding! I don't see the difference here!

Carolyn Hax: There's a huge difference. THERE ARE OTHER NAMES. And an innocent third party is no place to stage a control battle.

"throw her a big bird...literally": "literally." Hm. Interesting.

In a totally unfunny situation, the visual of large birds being flung about does offer a good chuckle.

Carolyn Hax: Excellent. Wild turkeys make the best visual. I just saw some this morning.

Washington, D.C.: Um Carolyn, sorry, still think you're wrong about the baby-naming. You say that the kids indulged the mom for 25 years. Well, when you are a child, it's hard not to indulge mom -- she sets the rules of the house, and most kids don't have the "power" to defy mom or maturity to realize that mom is acting nuts. Does that mean the grown up kids have to suffer for the fact that they were kids at one time with little power or maturity? Aren't things allowed to change?

Carolyn Hax: NO, grown-up kids don't have to suffer, and yes, absolutely, things are allowed to change. * Through * mature * channels.* Is that so hard?

Downtown: So, the daughter, finally establishing (wrestling?) control over her life, is not playing by the rules? Sounds like Mom & Pop, who couldn't get along with each other, played the kids. Now the kids have to take sides or else?

How about - Mom, get the help you should have gotten years ago and lay off the kids. Daughter, name your kid whatever you want but know the consequences Might be tearing up your family (sibling) relationships. Other daughter, this isn't your fight. Try not to take sides and this, too, shall be resolved. Brothers (siding with Mom), learn to support the entire family that includes your sisters. All of you, get some help.

Carolyn Hax: No, the kids don't have to and shouldn't take sides. They should find a -healthy- (!!!) way to undo the damage and establish control over their own lives.

Applause to entire second paragraph.

Failed OD-er: Been where the failed suicide is now. Friends
ditched like crazy. Was the best thing to
happen to me. Feeling totally alone was what
made me suicidal. Once I WAS truly alone, I
realized I could survive that as well as
anything else. Therapy helped, getting used
to being with myself helped more. Life is
great for me now. I wish her th

Carolyn Hax: e best.

I hope that's where you were going.

Because it's a nice thought to end on.

I mean it.

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