Washingtonpost.com: Live Online

Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.

Appearing every Wednesday, Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ® offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 30-something repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that’s about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.

The transcript follows.

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Temper Tantrum: Love the chats. OK, here is the dilemna and I am not sure if I just majorly overreacted. My boyfriend of one month has been away on business the past three days and is going to the Stones concert tonight. He e-mailed me yesterday saying he would have to work all weekend. I e-mailed him back saying I had made plans for Saturday night and asked if he wanted to do dinner Sunday. He replied "Sure, give me a call Sunday." For some reason that struck a raw nerve with me. A. Because it meant he wasn't working Sunday, he was watching football (which I had suspected and if he wasn't he would have said call me at work Sunday) and B. I have been sleeping with this guy and I think the fact that I haven't spoken to him (besides three one-line e-mails while he was away) since Monday would mean that he should at least want to talk to me on the phone before Sunday. Just to catch up or because he missed me. I wrote back "so I guess our relationship really is only about going to dinner and having sex." Did I overreact?

Carolyn Hax: Maybe. Maybe not. You jumped to a conclusion or three, but you also picked up a dismissive undertone, which doesn't and shouldn't go over well early in a relationship, esp when you're sleeping with the guy. You don't want to hear this, but part of the problem too is that you're sleeping with the guy. It's been only a month, of course you're insecure. It's just too soon. Breathe, send another email apologizing for the spaz, and find out this weekend what's going on when you see him face to face.

Head Vs. Heart: Carolyn --

What do you do when your heart tells you one thing, but your head tells you something different? Do you go on what you feel or on what you think? And please don't say both!

Carolyn Hax: Go with the one that's telling you what you don't want to hear. Voices are always more reliable when they aren't just sucking up.

Alexandria, Va.: My husband's aunt is "black-balling" us and "writing us out of her will" because we cannot make a party she is throwing for my husband's grandmother's 80th birthday. First of all, she verbally invited us to this party only two weeks ago when she called to tell us she wasn't coming to our baby's baptism party. And I was totally fine with that -- because she lives over seven hours away!

We have two small children (3-year-old boy; 5-month-old girl), we live over seven hours away, and I have no vacation time because I used it all on maternity leave.

My question: Is it worth explaining this to her? She's badmouthing us to others in the family and it's coming back to us third-hand. I had no idea it would get to this level. Should I let it go or does this need to be addressed? I'm very hurt she would do this. I don't care about the will or the black-ball thing, just that she's trying to make us the "black sheep."

Carolyn Hax: Is the rest of the family sticking up for you? Sometimes letting other people do that for you is much more effective.

Young woman wanting to ask out an older man. HELP: I usually am sort of disgusted by older guy (40s)/younger women (20s) matchings. I usually think "date someone your own age!" or that it's all about having a trophy-sugar daddy relationship.

However, suddenly, in a karmically fitting way, I have found myself attracted to an older man who works in my building. I'm 25, he's probably in his late 30s-early 40s. I don't know his exact age; he has a Harrison Ford thing going on where you can't tell. I have never been interested in someone this much older than me.

I found out he's divorced, which is a little weird for me, though not atypical; my parents are divorced. Is it possible to ask this man out without being labeled a young floozy?

He's kind, intelligent, nice, funny and we've had many good conversations. It feels like there's a spark. He may be flirting, I just can't tell. We've chatted several times and it's stretched into an hour or so, lots of eye contact and smiles. I don't work for him, we're not even in the same department. If he was 10 years younger I'd ask him to coffee without hesitating. I am a little nervous because he might think "aww, isn't that cuuute?" Are there 40-something men who'd go out with a younger woman for their intellect and personality? I honestly just want to get to know him better.

Carolyn Hax: He is a person. Please start treating him like one. If that means asking him out for coffee, mazel tov.

Trying to be patient: What do I say to all (and I mean ALL) of my friends who keep asking when my boyfriend and I are going to get married? We've been together for almost a year, they've been asking this for six months. One friend, who knows it annoys me, keeps doing it, especially when she sees my boyfriend and I together. I mean, the pressure is bad enough, but to add insult to injury, they keep on doing it. I try to act like it doesn't faze me to most people, but they keep on keepin' on. HELP. Thanks.

Carolyn Hax: Who was it who said, "When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro"? Start answering them as if they asked a different question. "No, I missed the end of the game last night. Who won?" Surely there's room for creativity here.

Online only, please: My husband and I live in a small town and socialize fairly often with a group of friends that consists of maybe 12-14 couples. Each year, the women take a trip together, and sometimes the guys take one too. Outside of that, there are some friendships that are closer than others, and even those fluctuate through time, but we all orbit in fairly close proximity.

My problem is this: we took a ski trip with some of the couples years ago, had a great time, and all vowed to do it again. Some of those same couples took another last year that we couldn't attend. When we got together with them afterward, they told us we had to come on the next trip, and we said we'd love to. But last week, when my husband mentioned the idea of making a trip this year to one of the other fellows, he found out that a month ago, four of the couples had already made plans for a trip in January.

I let my friends know our feelings were hurt, and they apologized, telling us the haphazard manner in which the trip idea was formed and plans were made. They then said they knew what it felt like because they don't get invited on every fun outing, trip, dinner party, etc.

Am I way off base here for thinking this is beyond a dinner party and expecting that we should have been included in planning this trip? Of course we'll continue talking about this with them and we'll work through it, but since I respect your ability to issue a written "Snap out of it!" slap in the face, I'm wondering if I deserve one.

Carolyn Hax: I'm not really in a slappy mood, but you did speak up and they did apologize, and so unless you're keen to dwell on it indefinitely or demand pints of blood, the next step in the sequence is to move on to something else. Wish there were a better answer.

Sorrow: Carolyn: Yesterday I called an old boyfriend (who is now, magically, an old friend) to wish him a happy birthday, and he told me that two months ago he was diagnosed with likely terminal cancer. I want to help; I don't know how. I don't want to intrude, and I really, really don't want to make things harder for his wife. I've offered an ear whenever he wants to cry, rage, babble, or talk about his son's baseball team. And I've told him what an important role he played in helping me survive my own hell times, and that it's reciprocity time.

I don't want to push my support on him. I know better to get on the next train. But I fear that the next word I'll hear is a fourth-hand funeral announcement months after the fact.

Words of wisdom?

Carolyn Hax: Well, sh*t. I'm sorry. That's awful.

When my mom was sick, she (and my dad) said the best thing that ever happened to them was email. She kept in touch--non-intrusively and at her own pace--with family and friends, got to hear news of the world that wasn't all about sickness, and kept people close enough to say a proper goodbye in the end. Also, you don't say how old the son is, but maybe there's something you can do there.

Run these and other ideas by him. A lot of people mean well and become really annoying, so he'll probably be glad to have some say in the way you get involved (or not).

Washington, D.C.: Hi Carolyn,

Love your column and your chats. Just one question: How come you are not participating in the byline strike?

Carolyn Hax: Negligence. I was told about it early this week and it slipped my mind till I saw this post.

Washington, D.C.: What do you think about roommates hooking up? What if there is a strong connection but you know that you are going to be living together so long so you are scared to go there?

Carolyn Hax: How long have you known each other?

Houston, Tex.: I don't mean to be rude, but I'm curious, are you supporting yourself as an advice columnist, or is it one of many writing gigs necessary? Does being syndicated help? Will you need a successor at any point?

Carolyn Hax: I'm on staff at The Washington Post, so I am paid a salary, so, yes, I support myself. Syndication does add to the balance, but, depending on the number of clients and how much they're willing to pay to run you, that can mean beer money or a villa on the Cote d'Azur, so it in itself is meaningless as a measure of success.

Carolyn Hax: Re successor, I'll let you know, but you could always just compete. This being Amuricuh 'n' all.

Somewhere, USA: When is the right time for her to tell her family that boyfriend was married before and has a kid? Should it be before he meets her family, or after (when they are comfortable around one another)?

Carolyn Hax: Should have been when you first mentioned him, since now it'll sound like something you thought you should hide, which it isn't. At this point, the sooner you spill the better.

Washington, D.C.: Let's say you meet a guy at a bar, the gym, or someplace like that. You know nothing about him, and you don't know anyone who knows him. To err on the side of safety, you meet him places for the first few dates. How do you decide when it's OK to do something less public like hiking, or hang out out one of your houses?

Carolyn Hax: Try to set up something with your friends, something with his friends ... something else with his friends. Some of it is just going to have to be trusting your instincts (haven't plugged "Gift of Fear" in a while, have I?), but a person's friends can be really good references. His even having friends would say something.

Temper Tantrum Redux: Ummm....why not just pick up the phone and resolve the conflict? Maybe it's just me, but when it comes to "relationships," e-mailing rather than discussing is lame. If you're old enough to sleep with him, you're certainly old enough to (make an effort to) act the part of a mature person.

Carolyn Hax: Indeed. I got lost in the business trip thing. If he's reachable, definitely call.

Takoma Park, Md.: One of my sisters wants me to keep a secret from the other; she's spending lots and lots of money on a house which the other sister could not afford and disapproves of.

I can avoid conversation, but can I avoid answering a direct question?

Yes, I've told Sister 1 that she can just deal with it and be open with Sister 2.

Carolyn Hax: 1. Sister 2 isn't exactly blameless here. What business is it of hers how much Sister 1 spends on a house? Does Sister 1 owe her money?

2. Of course you can avoid answering a direct question. "I;m sorry, I'm not getting in the middle of you two."

Midwest: Carolyn:

Your reponse to temper tantrum has me wondering: How do you know when it's too soon to sleep with somebody?

Carolyn Hax: When you're still that unsure where you stand with him/her.

Who was it who said, "When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro"? : Hunter S. Thompson.

Carolyn Hax: Naturally. Thanks.

Washington, D.C.: Carolyn,

I wrote you last week to ask you about my cast iron skillet problem (boyfriend abusing it). A couple of your readers mentioned that it's a "guy thing." So I got over my anger and I'm happy to report that we have resolved the issue by getting him his own skillet to use. Once again, we are happy. Thanks to you and the poultry-scissors woman!

Carolyn Hax: I always sleep better when I know a seasoned cast-iron skillet is no longer in peril. Thanks for checking back in.

Seattle, Wash.: Hey.

I have a multi-part question.

I am an adult who thought I had put my very difficult childhood of incest, alcoholism, violence and neglect behind me. It rushed back this summer and I can't seem to reconcile it.

Also I appear to have pretty serious issues of sabotaging myself when close to success. I get close to some pretty remarkable things and then BLAM! I can't cope and run away.

Just because I had a horrific childhood, does that mean I am destined to be haunted my whole life?

Thanks

Carolyn Hax: I think it's destined to be a part of your life ever after, but not necessarily one that always haunts you. I also don't think it's at all unusual for things to bubble back up occasionally. Have you gotten any counseling for this latest rebubbling?

Still dateless, Md.: Dear Carolyn,

You addressed my previous question in your column on Saturday (engaged friend giving lousy dating advice). Thank you for your advice. I'm not quite sure if I made the problem clear when I last wrote in. Would you mind if I clarified a little? Friend and I became good friends when I was going through messy divorce and she'd had a bad break up. A year later she's engaged and while very sweet has fallen into the mental trap that because her good relationship needs work from both parties (all do) that all a bad relationship needs is more hard work to become a good one. She wants me to be in a relationship like she is, so much that she doesn't understand when I break up with guys who are clearly no good (1st runner up for bad line: "Want to go see some neat caves? I promise I won't try to jump your bones or nothin."). Thus my frustration.

On the plus side, I figured that three bad bad BAD dates in a row and maybe I should see a counselor for post-divorce issues rather than seeing creepy guys. Sheesh.

Carolyn Hax: Thanks for the clarification. Even with it, though, I'm inclined to think the same thing--that you need to treat her advice like any other bad advice, and not get caught up in her reasons for it. E.g., if she were a recently reformed smoker who took it upon herself to beat you over the head with lung-care advice, you wouldn't fend her off by contesting her data. You'd let her know that she was violating your privacy and treading on areas of personal judgment, not to mention boring you to tears.

Re: Trying to be patient: A related question: My husband and I have been married for just under a year, and we get similar questions about (you guessed it) when we're having kids. The truth is, we're going off birth control pretty soon, and have decided to let it happen naturally. His parents would be ecstatic; mine have told me in no uncertain terms that starting a family now would be appallingly stupid, for financial reasons. (Hubby is starting his own business, but has promised to get a "real job" if I get knocked up.) I haven't shared our plans yet, but I'm going to the OB/GYN today to make it official. Am I obligated to not lie to Mom if she asks? (I'm certainly not going to volunteer this info.) And can I happily share the news with my MIL and SIL without telling Mom? I'm fuzzy on how much of this should and should not be shared with close family.

Carolyn Hax: Please don't get into selective news-sharing. This is similar to the preceding question in that you fight these intrusions by pointing out kindly that these are intrusions, and not by micromanaging their content or delivery. Stand up for your right to use your own judgment.

Florida: What, exactly, is the purpose of these byline strikes the Post keeps having, anyway?

Carolyn Hax: The newsroom contract is being renegotiated and there are some contentious items on the table. The strikes are in protest of such.

La Plata, Md.: So, will my basset hound ever stop drooling? Actually that's not so bad as his nipping. When playing with him (he's just over a year old) he likes to bite. Not hard, but enough so that it slightly hurts. Is this normal of the dog?

Carolyn Hax: Way to do your homework before becoming responsible for another living being. No, he won't stop drooling; yes, it is normal for dogs to nip; no, it is not acceptable for them to be allowed to nip. Get him to obedience classes, please, now.

A newsroom: Negligence? That's pathetic, Carolyn. What kind of journalist are you? Part of the reason Washington Post reporters make such a good salary is because of labor actions. A lot of people are being laid off these days and could use a good union. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Carolyn Hax: Dig the punishment for honesty, thanks. I was torn, I decided to think first before I participated, I forgot. I would prefer to unforget, but I can't. And my conscience has done its job just fine, thanks.

Need some perspective: How does a guy make a "life decision" about being with a girl when they are broken up and not talking? Is that a bad sign, or are some people would just rather make decisions by taking time apart? Not being inundated by "talks"? Is it all about them missing you so much that they come back? Isn't it easier for guys to just sweep their feelings under the carpet though? And no, I'm not putting the pressure on him, he's putting it on himself.

Carolyn Hax: You sure? This sounds like pressure to me, judging his decision only from your perspective. (It's there, between the lines, and occasionally leaking into them.) For someone in need of some clarity, there's nothing like time apart. That can apply to you, too, if you let it. You have an opportunity here, day after day without him in it. Why not see what you can make of them?

High School Reunion, USA: Hey Carolyn! I'm going to my 10-year high school reunion this weekend and am really excited. My friends can't understand why I'm going as I was the brunt of a lot of bullying and teasing in school. I'm just really curious how everyone turned out and am not the least bit anxious about seeing the old bullies, who I very much doubt would bully at a function like this (we are adults after all). I know I've matured a lot and become a very confident person, in addition to the fact that I think I'm much more attractive now than I ever was in school, so overall I'm looking forward to the experience to see if others have changed as much as me. However, some of my friends how have gone to reunions claim it's just like high school all over and eveyrone stratifies themselves back into the clinques and they all hated it. I was wondering you (or any of the peanuts) ever went back to theirs and how was it?

washingtonpost.com: Went to mine, had a great time. If you get there and it's bad, think of it like going to a wedding solo (which people keep complaining about): a couple hours of your life, have the fun you can, don't drink and drive. -- Lisa, annoying public service girl

Carolyn Hax: No no, excellent PSA. So true. All I'd add is that your friends should be applauding your attitude, not trying to correct it. Clearly you'll be fine even if it's just like high school, because you're so not.

Response to "Sorrow": I just got diagnosed with cancer last month as well and although my chances don't look great either, I'm trying to stay upbeat. I figure someone's got to be in the statistics who beat it, and it might just as well be me!

Lots of people have offered lots of things. The best, for me, has also been e-mail and cards/letters. It allows me to answer when I choose (vs. a phone call that chooses me), even though I have an answering machine. With doctors/hospitals calling all the time now, I really do pretty much have to answer the phone when it rings.

I've also been able to send out fairly extensive e-mail updates to whole groups of people at the same time so I don't have to repeat the same dire news, verbally, over and over again. And since I need a bone marrow transplant from an unrelated donor, using the Internet has gotten the word out faster and further.

Other ways to help (if close enough to do so): Offer to bring by a meal (even carry-out). I have a 12-year-old but I'm too tired to cook. Offer to do laundry, go grocery shopping, clean their house, etc. Offer to drive them to doctor's appointments and sit with them. Many of my appointments started out solo until I realized I was the only one sitting alone in waiting rooms filled with family/friends of other patients.

Asking for help has been very hard for me (I am the quintessential independent single mom), but cancer is something you really, truly can't face alone.

I've had all kinds of great responses. The only ones that hurt are the ones who have not responded at all!

Carolyn Hax: Great post, thank you. I'm sorry the insight had to come to you firsthand, though. Good luck.

Richmond, Va.: Hello Carolyn!

I'm looking for help with a work v. friendship problem. About four months ago I was in need of a temporary assistant and gave the job to a friend in need. I knew at the time this was probably a bad idea, but I thought we could work it out.

The situation is even worse than I thought. She is never on time (we are talking 60-90 minutes late, not mild tardiness), she takes every other Friday off, and she uses the little time she is in my office to deal with all aspects of her personal life.

She has been a very good friend to me, and I would like to save our relationship, but she is also very touchy and can't stand to be criticized. I've talked and talked and talked about tardies (in full staff meetings) and asked her to set a firm schedule to no avail. When I tried to bring up the poor quality of her work she got defensive and told me I was too critical.

Should I fire her and just consider it a friendship lost to poor judgment?

Carolyn Hax: I think you have to. Bummer.

Neurotic-Ville: I went out with this guy (first date) about a week and a half ago. He was going out of town on business for about a week and a half. He called the next day from his out-of-town location and left me a message saying he'd had a good time, blah blah blah. I didn't call him back because I figured he'd call when he got back, but now I'm wondering if he's going to think I blew him off. Here I go, trying to be chill, and end up creating neurotic situations for myself.

Carolyn Hax: Eh, keeps things lively. If he's back now, call to ask him out.

I know you know something about this: I'm getting married next May and am thinking about keeping my name. How do I discuss this with my fiance? I don't want him to feel like I'm rejecting him or his family, it's just that I think my last name is cool and anyway, it's not like I'm becoming some whole other person when I get married. I'm gonna be the same person, so I wanna have the same name.

Carolyn Hax: You discuss it by saying you really like your name and by making sure there are no chips on shoulders, even slivery ones. I'd leave off the part about not becoming some whole other person. I think there are several billion women throughout history with their husband's last names who wouldn't appreciate being told that they stopped being themselves.

New York, N.Y.: Hi Carolyn,

Not a question, just a follow up. A couple of months ago I submitted a question about coping with the fact that my wife, suffering from post partum depression, had gone on Prozac and suffered a complete loss of libido.

I followed your advice, sucked it up and remained supportive and uncomplaining.

Happy ending: Her OB/GYN weaned her off the Prozac and she is now only taking a smaller dose for the week or so before her period. Her libido is coming back and the baby is sleeping through the night. There is a God!

Thanks. In retrospect, it was a very small thing to endure in return for having our beautiful, healthy, happy daughter.

Carolyn Hax: (whistle) (applause) (stomp stomp stomp)

That's great news, thanks for checking back in.

Takoma Park, Md.: Thanks re: sisters.

Long back history of envy involved (one has financially helpful inlaws, one does not, etc.) so it is best for them to work it out.

You're right -- nobody's business but Sister #1. I'll navigate carefully.

Carolyn Hax: Or, in a pinch, duck.

Re: Telling pregnancy plans: IMHO, I wouldn't tell anyone anything. My husband and I were in a very similar situation (every time we saw his mother, she'd ask if I was pregnant -- mine wanted us to wait another couple of years). We waited a year and a half before deciding to go off birth control, and didn't tell anyone because we weren't sure how long it would take us to conceive. Funny enough, it was within about a week and a half, and I'm due next month. But, if you tell family, they ask how it's going all the time and there'll be a lot of extra pressure you don't need. Wait and share happy news when there's happy news to share. And your parents will come to terms. Mine did and are ecstatic to be having a granddaughter in just a few weeks.

Carolyn Hax: Thanks. I think it's too personal a decision to have a universal answer, since some people are close enough to a sibling or a best friend or a parent to feel strange -not- to talk about trying. But it's strictly the couple's business and up to them to decide how and when to share, and with whom.

That said, anyone on the fence about whether to tell should consider the prospect of questions. Don't want 'em? Bite your lip when you feel the urge to tell.

For those who are let in on that news, bite your lips when you feel the urge to ask how it's going.

For those who aren't in on anything and happen to know a couple of childbearing age, don't even think about asking. Anything.

Re: Bone Marrow Transplant: Has this person yet found a donor and what is the procedure..... may be interested in offering help?

Carolyn Hax: You guys are great--thanks to all who asked. Call 1-800-MARROW-7.

New York, NY: How do you know if you have an anger problem? Is there a checklist, like for depression and eating disorders? This is a serious question.

Carolyn Hax: Why would it not be? I think the is-it-a-problem standards are the same for any problem: Is it affecting your job/health/relationships; are you worried that it's a problem; do you wish you could change but repeatedly find that you can't?

Yuma, Ariz.: Carolyn,

Nearly 30 years ago, another woman broke up my husband's parents' marriage. His father married the "other woman." My husband was cordial, but never forgave his father. Now, with the recent passing of his father, we find ourselves in a quandary. Do I continue a relationship with Meg, for the sake of manners, or is it okay if I let it fade away? My husband promised his father her would stay in touch, but has done nothing. I've been the only member of his family who tries to live up to our promise. I am increasingly uncomfortable, because as we get more aquainted I learn how she purposefuly ended the marriage and how she has no regrets. I don't know how to extract myself from this situation. Help!

Carolyn Hax: You don't owe anybody anything. If you want to let the connection fade, let it fade. You can even tell her, "It upsets me that you acted purposefully and have no regrets, because I saw the damage from the other side," but you certainly don't have to.

Re: Bite your lip: OK, I understand that you are not supposed to ask people who are trying to have a baby questions.

BUT, don't you think there is a point at which it is rude not to inquire how people are doing when you know they are going through something like that? I mean, it's like acting like it doesn't exist and you don't care if you don't express your concern.

Carolyn Hax: Say to the person that you are aware of what's going on and care a lot about the outcome, but aren;t going to ask unless they tell you it's okay to because you really don't want to intrude. Concern voiced. They'll either say thanks and let it drop, or tell you it's okay to ask.

Also Sorrowful: Any suggestions on how to tell people I've been diagnosed with cancer? I've done the e-mail thing for family and friends, sent letters to long-distance friends, and have found a support list online where I can commiserate without boring/annoying others.

However, my dilemma is how to tell folks face-to-face. The ironic part is that I look healthier than usual since I've lost weight on chemo. I run into acquaintances (at my kids' schools, in the neighborhood, etc.) and people ask "how are you?" expecting to hear the usual "fine." I don't want to lie, but dropping a bombshell like that seems harsh on my part.

Thanks!

Carolyn Hax: Another tough break, I'm sorry. If anybody still has any illusions that bad stuff doesn't drop out of the sky onto some people, go back and reread this transcript.

Re bomb-dropping, it depends on the target. If it's someone not close/with whom you'd rather not get into it, then don't get into it. If you'd like this person to know, then, absolutely, just say it. "Well, actually, I have cancer." There's nothing harsh about it, just honest. It's life. I'm sure people would rather be told than not.

Re: Anger checklist: Have an ex with anger management problems, found this Web site helpful:

http://www.apa.org/pubinfo/anger.html

Carolyn Hax: I'll have a look at it too, thanks.

Alexandria, VA: For the person who may have to fire her friend:

I'm an HR specialist. This person might one to consider giving correcting the problem behavior one more try before the firing. This may cost the friendship, but if it takes, it may do the friend the best favor of her life. Because no employer in an office setting will tolerate an employee being habitually late and doing personal business on company time.

What's I'd suggest is a one-on-one meeting with the friend. If the organization has an HR shop, they may be able to assist in how this meeting should go. But the purpose of the meeting is for the boss to lay the problem on the table in no uncertain terms - describe the problem behavior, say why it's a problem (harms office operations), say how the person has to change, and be clear on the consequences (firing) if there's no change.

Carolyn Hax: Great, thanks.

Cambridge, Mass.: Dear Carolyn,

I got to be really good friends with a guy in grad school with me. He became interested. He is really sensitive and with a temper that is a little bit frightening. I didn't know how to discourage him. I sort of started avoiding him and then being a little bit cool and withdrawing for a few months. It seemed to work but then when I did talk to him again he started up as strongly as before. Finally I had to explicitly tell him that I didn't like him that way and never would, but that he was a great guy and really too good for me anyway. He didn't take it well, got really upset, and accused me of being rude, arrogant, etc. and then proceeded to deny that he had liked me in the first place. I apologized, I groveled, I made him a paper crane, I tried talking to him, I sent him e-mail. Nothing worked; he has been giving me the silent treatment for the last seven months. It doesn't seem to bother him one bit but I find it hard to deal with. I don't care so much (anymore) that I lost one of my best friends but to have bad relations with anyone at work, and to have to hide this from everyone, is a new and really unpleasant experience for me.

How would you deal with this?

Carolyn Hax: Too bad you can't unapologize, ungrovel, unmake him a paper crane, un-try talking to him, unsend him the e-mail. By doing that, your message was that you owed him an apology, which you didn't, and therefore you basically confirmed that he was right to be angry, which he wasn't. He was, and is, being extremely manipulative. All you can do is ignore him to the extent that you can, and be strictly professional when you're forced to interact. And do your best never again to

1. let really sensitive people with scary tempers get any closer than arm's length away from you. His current behavior proves he was never one of your "closest friends."

2. feel the need to apologize for saying no.

Somewhere, USA: www.marrow.org also has great information

Thanks to your writer...after a few years being out of touch with them, she prompted me to finally change my address with the national registry!

Carolyn Hax: Thanks. The Red Cross, too, can always help, in case anyone forgets to write this stuff down.

Somewhere: Carolyn, I have a weird problem. I'm a female in my mid-20s. Two years ago I went through a breakup from which it took me a long time to recover. I've dated some, but never seemed to be able to build up any real interest in anyone. To make matters worse, I work in an industry that is heavily dominated by crass, crude, testosterone-laden males. (And I wouldn't trade it for anything.) So on top of my seeming inability to develop any real interest in anyone, I'm also now thoroughly convinced that any guy who shows interest in me is doing so only because he's looking to get laid.

My question is, how can I readjust my attitude and make myself realize that there -are- men out there interested in more than just that, and that there -are- men out there in whom I can truly be interested? I'm tired of being lonely and distrustful.

Carolyn Hax: Do you have time to get involved in a group that meets regularly--volunteer, softball, class--that attracts a completely different clientele from the one you're used to at work? Nothing like a dependable change of scenery to change your outlook on things.

Ohio: Carolyn --

Love the chats. Have you ever thought of going on Dr. Phil?

Carolyn Hax: No, not that it's even up to me. Thanks.

Biddeford, Maine. Semi-fluff: Hello Carolyn and Co.,

For some reason many men seem to think I have feelings for them, even if I honestly do not. They seem to misinterpret my friendliness as flirtation. I actually like being single, and wish to remain that way (I am a very mobile person and don't want to be tied down). These men sometimes make moves, or other times try to give me the "just be friends" speech. In the latter case, is it appropriate to say "Um, not sure what you're talking about. THIS is a friendship and that's all I want"? Or should I go along with the charade to spare their egos? I can't understand how engaging someone in conversation and spending time as friends can be miscontrued as interest sexually. I have many male friends, but it seems like many guys seem to think I have feelings for them when I just met them. And I just don't. It's sort of annoying that they're all wondering how to "let me down easy" and just assume I must like them. I have been saying I actually didn't see it as anything more than friendship. Usually this is followed by an awkward pause and then alot of hemming and hawing occurs. Too rude?

Carolyn Hax: Never seen anything like this. hm. I know I should say just to be gracious and keep your mouth shut, and let them think they've let you down easy, but I think if I were in your shoes I'd want to say something. Like, "I appreciate your honesty, but I've got a serious question. Have I done something to give you the impression I was interested in more than friendship?"

It would probably come off as rude, too, unless the tone was just right, but sometimes a question lands more softly than a statement, since it gives them a way to respond other than an awkward pause. Meanwhile, if you're giving off some signal that says you want them, remaining unaware of that could get you in trouble one day, when you aren't single any more. Might make sense to ask.

Virginia: Hi Carolyn.

Feeling terse today.

Is it better to break up before the long-distance SO visits, or to do it face-to-face?

Thanks.

(Yes, the tickets have been purchased.)

Carolyn Hax: Which would you prefer, if you were in his shoes? From what you know of him, which would he choose? Me, I'd rather hear as soon as possible, which means phone, but this very much depends on the person/people in question. It also depends on the depth of the relationship, whether you've been drifting or you're engaged or whatever.

Carolyn Hax: Gotta go. Thanks, and happy weekend.

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Roommates again: We have known each other about three months, I think that is not long enough and don't intend to act on anything but how do I ignore the feelings? We instantly bonded and spend a lot of time together.

Carolyn Hax: Ooh, meant to follow up on this. I don't know where the line is chronologically between too soon and long enough, but I think when you've gotten to know each other well enough to trust that it;s not just chemical, you should go for it.

RE: Going out on dates with new guy: One other thing... if you do decide to go hiking, etc., please make sure your friends know they guys name, address, phone number... anything that would help identify him, just in case. You can never be too careful!

Carolyn Hax: Depressing point, but a good one. Thanks.

Carolyn Hax: Okay now I'm really leaving. Thanks again.

social state: So, it's ok to ask "How are you?" even though the answer might be a bombshell ("Actually, I have cancer") and which maybe
the askee is having a tough time with right now thank you very much, but it's not ok to ask a new couple if they want children even though, as humans are social beings, children are a major component of society,
because the askees might be a bit touchy about it?

OK, well, I am going to be an annoying old woman and I'll bloody well ask both sorts of questions. Life's too short to worry overmuch about other people's land mines. If they blow, they blow. I learned how to deal graciously with unwanted or thoughtless inquiries; now it's y'all's turn.

I have my red hat and purple dress. Consider it protective coloration, and run.

Carolyn Hax: NO NO NO. I so STRENUOUSLY disagree. "How are you?" allows people to tell you what they feel comfortable telling you. Asking direct personal questions is all about YOU, shoving your purple-hatted face in their most private business. Pay attention to the pain people express here every friggin week from being asked rude questions, and grow some manners.