Carolyn Hax (The Post)

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Tell Me About It
Hosted by Carolyn Hax
Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, Jan. 10, 2003; Noon ET

Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.

Appearing every Wednesday, Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ® offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 30-something repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that’s about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.

The transcript follows.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

To read the most recent responses, click "Get New Responses" or select "Automatically Update Page."

Midwest USA -- Friends and their kids: Carolyn, I really hope you answer because I'd like your take on this. A longtime friend of mine has two kids and is a stay-at-home mom. All of her activities revolve around her kids -- she knows this and has even mentioned that once they were grown she was going to be at a loss for what to do, but that she wasn't going to deal with that now. Conversations with her either are about her kids or involve her talking to them while on the phone with me (two conversations at once). When that occurs I quickly say that she seems busy and to call me back when she has a clear schedule, but that doesn't seem to be blunt enough. It's not that I don't like her kids, it's just that they aren't my kids and I don't find everything about them to be so amazing. It's also not like I don't ask about them, I just wish we could have at least one conversation about non-child related issues, or go out for one grown-up activity without bringing them along, but she never can (or will.) She wonders why I am pulling away and calling/stopping by less -- what should I say and how should I say it? I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I don't want to spend my free time seeing Disney movies and being with someone who brings nothing adult to the friendship.

Carolyn Hax: Why do I get the feeling I'm going to get slammed for this answer.

I think you need to be a little more clear about what you want. "Let's have lunch/dinner/coffee with just us, no kids." If she gets offended even by that, you'll know that the chances of a negotiated settlement in this one are slim to anorexic.

If she does go for it, great. When you've got her alone, that's when you can say that she's a great mom and you're happy for her, but, as a kidless person, you have a hard time relating sometimes and hope you can steer things to common interests as well without hurting her feelings.

What really sucks is that if she were blabbing on about work all the time, you would probably just say, "Puhleez can we not talk about work." But say substitute kids in that sentence and the knives come out (plastic, blunt tipped). Unless of course you once had a friendship where you could say stuff like that, in which case, go for it.

Last thing--one area where you can meet her halfway is on the phone. Yes it's extremely annoying to be in those three-way conversations, but the parents don't exactly enjoy them either. Best thing is to put up with them occasionally, on patient days, and say "Let's talk when they're napping" or whatever when your patience runs thin.

Intimacy?: I found your response to Mr. Intimacy in your column today interesting because on one hand I agreed with you, but on the other hand I thought "Only a woman would write that."

As a guy, of the gay variety, I find that most men -- gay and non-gay -- would probably not define intimacy the way you did and that most men would never reach your nirvana of intimacy. Does this mean men are emotional midgets or does it mean that intimacy may not require bearing ones soul at the drop of a hat.

Carolyn Hax: No no not at a drop of a hat! Please no. To the right person, at the right time, at the right pace.

I'm not going to venture a guess on the men-are-emotional-midgets issue, because 1. I'm not as stupid as I look and 2. I think a large segment of the female population also falls short, in the truly clutch situations, of complete emotional honesty. (And I think women who bash men for being stunted are well represented in that segment.)

It's a really, really hard thing. For anybody. I just think that, over a lifetime, the fallout from withholding stuff is immeasurably harder, because that's what causes fights, fuels misunderstandings, hurts feelings, makes friendships drift, renders sex routine, ends marriages.

Washington, D.C.: Carolyn --

So I'm in an inter-racial relationship and feeling very conflicted. This is someone who I enjoy very much right now, but couldn't see marrying because of the race/religion differences. Enjoy it while it lasts or cut it off early in the game? I'm 24 if that helps.

Carolyn Hax: Wow. What an awful lie of omission. I'd want you to dump me, today.

Tempsville: Hey Carolyn,

I graduated college almost a year and a half ago and still haven't found a full time job. I know the economy is bad but it just doesn't seem to go anywhere for me. I had decent grades in college, went to a good university, had internships, and all the sudden I am still temping. Everyone seems to know someone who can help them get a job but me. Apparently I only know the wrong people in the wrong fields. This crap is eating my soul alive and it doesn't seem like anything is coming my way with the hundreds of jobs I apply for. About once a week I'll get an interview go and then think I did okay and not hear anything back. I need some advice because I feel just like I have wasted a year temping for no benefits, marginal experience, low pay, and no respect.

Carolyn Hax: Have you availed yourself of your good university's career center? Gather up your experiences and talk to someone who might be able to see a self-defeating pattern. If possible, you should also sit for a mock interview with a counselor and have it videotaped, in case there's a burp in the way you project yourself.

That said, it could just be hellish luck. It happens. But having the weight of your institution behind you couldn't hurt.

Canada: Hi Carolyn,

I think I might know what you will say abou this but I will ask anyway. My girlfriend of two years doesn't want to get married unless I publicly do a Profession of Faith in front of her church. I have already discussed my faith with those that are important and I don't feel this is necessary. Should I just do this, or is this potentially the beginning of the end? Online only please. Thanks.

Carolyn Hax: Do you feel marrying her is necessary? I could go on and on (you all know I'm not bluffing), but it would all come down to that.

Somewhere, USA: How tall are you?

Carolyn Hax: 5'6"

Minneapolis, Minn.: Carolyn,

My sister-in-law has been dating a jerk for the last several years. He lets her throw birthday parties for and help watch the son he had with the fiancee who dumped him while she was pregnant but tells my sister-in-law she has no right to have any opinion about the custody arrangements, even though they're (or rather, she's) "talking marriage;" he insults, belittles, and occasionally leers at her younger sisters at the holiday functions she invites him to without telling the hosts of said functions beforehand; and he makes noises. He brings out every bad quality in her and suppresses the good ones.

Near as we can tell, the relationship is a constant source of stress in her life and every other month they nearly break up. But my mother-in-law always pushes her back toward this guy, to the point of suggesting, after their most recent spat, that they go get counseling. It's hard not to look at the situation and think they'd have gone their separate ways if not for my mother-in-law's pushing. Is there a damn thing that my wife or I can do or say to either her sister or her mother?

Carolyn Hax: You can say to the sister that you hope she doesn't feel family pressure re her relationship, and that you and your wife support her right to do as she sees fit, period. If you're feeling bold, you can also ask the mom to back off.

Short answer, no, there's not a damn thing you can do or say.

Kingston, N.Y.: I have a friend who I dated three years ago. After we broke up she dated another man who she moved in with. After awhile I started to receive letters from her a few times a year. This year she contacted me and wanted to see me again. Apparently she has been very isolated and unhappy over these years, for he works almost all the time and they do almost nothing together. We formed a very strong friendship this year, taking walks together. I would ask this question, but know the answer: it is a form of cheating even though there is no physical contact. Are we wrong to keep up this friendship? The truth is, if she wasn't living with him we would have pursued a romantic relationship.

Carolyn Hax: I disagree that it's cheating, actually--though she obviously needs to get her bleep together and move out. You are in a unique position to say so, though you would need to disclose what you'd have to gain from that, if you haven't already, and would also need to start pulling back if she refused to deal with the live-in problem.

Re: Friends and their kids: As a father of three with a wife who stayed home for several years, I write in support of your answer. There is such a thing as being too wrapped up in your kids. My wife has always made a point of getting away with old friends for an evening or even a weekend. Some of them are childless and some have kids but all agree that you need grown-up time every so often. Oh, and the two of us make a point of getting away for a weekend now and then as well. If not for these practices, I'm sure my wife would go nuts and our marriage would likely suffer. As long as the childless person is diplomatic, I think she'd be doing her friend a favor by getting her out of the g.d. house.

Carolyn Hax: Cool, thanks.

E.L.M.: Carolyn, I need help so badly. I will try to keep it as concise as I can. I am a 20-year-old woman and I am very, very down. I was an honors student in high school (salutatorian, actually) and spent one semester at a great college before dropping out to come home to my first love. We spent two tumultous off-and-on years, and the relationship was riddled with physical and emotional abuse. I am trying to end my three-year struggle with bulimia and after one hospitalization and some counseling I am doing fairly well but it is still a part of my life, albeit intermittently. My parents and two older brothers resent me -- my parents because I dropped out of school for an a***ole and started messing up the bathroom every day when I purged, and my brothers because I used to steal from them to support the bulimia and my cigarette habit. I have also accumulated awful credit card debt and the icing on the cake is that about two weeks ago I drove home drunk and totaled my car completely -- I'm so lucky to be alive; thank God for airbags and seatbelts. I am so sad and fed up with this life. This is not how it was supposed to be. I'd relive high school all over again just to undo all this. I don't live in the D.C. area but can you help me get started with finding the right resources? I am feeling more lethargic and hopeless each day. Thank you, Carolyn.

Carolyn Hax: Oh dear. First thing, I'm going to question your assertion that your family resents you. Maybe they do, but this is so classically the kind of thing your brain can tell you when it's depressed that I'm confident you're at least overstating it. Not consciously, of course.

Next, get yourself back into treatment, either through the same channels you used for the bulimia, or through a specific referral that includes mention of your depression. Start with the American Psychiatric Association, (888) 35-PSYCH, or the National Eating Disorders Association, 1-800-931-2237.

It's actually a good thing that you're fed up with feeling this way, because the best way to feel better is to want to. Really. You just have to make a conscious, focused effort to remind yourself that it's your decisions from now on that matter, not the ones from last week, last year and high school. Hang in there.

Washington, D.C.: I've been dating this guy for about three and a half years, the relationship is going great but he has never said the "L" word except one time when he called me drunk to say it.

I'm 27 and he's 30 so we're not kids anymore.

Do you think I should be a little concerned about this or not?

Confused in Washington

Carolyn Hax: Ask him. What the hell.

Washington, D.C.: Does being in a second marriage mean that you should put up with more? It just seems like it would be REALLY bad for me to be divorced twice. Once was bad enough.

Carolyn Hax: Ideally, being in a second marriage means you found someone who taxes you less. oopsie.

If you have problems, you have to deal with them on their merits, with as little attention as possible to society, numbers and preconceived notions of self.

Colorado -- where we're all tall: "How tall are you?" ?!

Is this a "short people got no reason" kind of question? I mean if we're going to pry about the irrelevant -- beer, wine, martinis or teetotaler?

Carolyn Hax: I just took it because I wasn't likely ever to see such an easy one again.

Beer, wine, the occasional margarita, but none of the above at the moment.

Bethesda, Md.: My wife and I have been married for several years (together for nearly 14 years), and we have a great relationship. I have a good job, and have been with the same company since I graduated from college. But aside from those two (very important) things, we can't seem to establish any permanence in our lives. We move at least every two years (different countries, even), my wife changes jobs often, etc. It doesn't bother us (but does seem to bother our friends and family), but we're wondering if we'll ever feel like we've put down roots. Seems like having a child would do that in a hurry, but that also seems like a really pathetic reason to start a family. Any advice?

Carolyn Hax: I think it's great that you found each other, and until shifting around starts to bother one or both of you, it's not a problem. Cheers.

For Tempsville: Have you tried a recruiter yet? I know many people that have used recruiters and found them to be very helpful.

Carolyn Hax: Thanks for the suggestion.

Emotional Intimacy: So, what do you do when one of your siblings is someone who believes that you're emotionally intimate, when the reality of the situation is that you have to be sensitive to her every mood and reaction, while she doesn't seem to notice that you have any feelings? And if you try to point out (nicely) that you do, and that she's hurt them, she's always got an extenuating circumstance from the drama that is her life -- rarely an admission of responsibility, let alone an apology.

This is something that I, and other of my siblings, struggle with in a tight-knit family.

Carolyn Hax: I would probably keep going and point that out to her, about her always having an explanation, and how it makes you hesitant to share things with her. But I can be really obnoxious that way.

Also, before you go that route, I think it would help a lot if you considered -why- she was always on the defensive. Is there, for example, a lot of pressure in your family to be wonderful? I know you think the problem is her seeing the world only through her own eyes, and the last thing you want to do is be forced to do the same all the time yourself, but a peek from her perspective might tell you a lot. Family dynamics are funny. There's almost always something else there that you never noticed before.

Washington, D.C.: If you were still in D.C., do you know that it would not be entirely unlikely for you to be cruising around the city and all of a sudden see your face plastered on the back of a metrobus?

Carolyn Hax: I do know. Check this out:

Washington, D.C.: Carolyn,

I'm a D.C. commuter and I've seen your face plastered all over the city on the sides of the Metro buses. Couldn't they have picked a better picture of you? Not trying to be mean, but you look like a horse.

Why the so un-glam picture?

washingtonpost.com: Now why would anyone take that as mean? Geez. -- Lisa.

Carolyn Hax: And people wonder why I moved.

And wear jammies all day and cry in corners and suck my thumb.

I never saw the picture. I still haven't seen the picture. I guess I should have given my height in hands.

Herpes Update: I just wanted to tell you that I told my boyfriend about my belated herpes diagnosis last Friday night. He was very understanding (for a lot of reasons) and though we're waiting for a chance for me to get in to see my doctor, I see signs that we might be able to manage this.

I did learn one important thing from all this: my boyfriend said he wished I'd told him I'd been exposed to herpes, even though at the time I had all those negative tests telling me I'd escaped it. Given how long it took to get diagnosed (and the similar experience of someone else who posted here last week), if I'd told him I'd been exposed, he would have been more prepared when the news came.

Thanks for helping me with the courage last week. It turned out as well as I could have hoped for.

Carolyn Hax: Great news, thanks for checking back in. And congratulations on the guy. Sounds like you chose well.

Waidaminut: So unless a relationship could be/is leading to marriage, you would rather be dumped?

If s/he is honest about hesitancy to commit, religious/cultural background/baggage, physical attraction, what is the problem with enjoying a relationship for what it is?

Seems to me you have scolded many a 24-year-old for being too obsessed with weighing down their relationships with timetables, expectations, etc.

Shouldn't they both just live their lives?

Carolyn Hax: IF s/he is honest. Did you get the sense that the SO had been told about not being racially/religiously acceptable? I didn't. That's why I mentioned a lie, and why I'd want out. I believe I said today.

If they're both aware it's doomed--and, most important, why--then, hey, their lives, right?

Boonies: Carolyn,

I believe you would be 16.5 hands tall. Love and kisses.

Carolyn Hax: [whinny] [stomp stomp]

Confusedville USA: Online only please!

If a couple is in the middle of a breakup, and the dumpee says to the dumper, "I know you still love me," is it better for the dumper to say nothing out of consideration for the dumpee's feelings or out of politeness, or to set matters straight so as not to foment unrealistic hopes?

Does the answer change if this is a married couple with children who will have to deal with each other far into the future?

Carolyn Hax: In general, anything that keeps a soon-to-be-un-couple civil for the kids' sake seems okay by me, especially since the dumpee's pride is probably shivering naked behind a fig leaf at this point. Only the cruel would demand that it be removed and handed over as part of the settlement.

That said, you're right that there is some risk of leaving the dumpee with harmful illusions. I think you can walk the line by replying, "I will always care for you," which neither confirms the love comment nor shatters it.

Also for Tempsville: Also give some serious examination to the chip on your shoulder. Yes, it's that obvious.

Carolyn Hax: Is it? I thought it could go either way, self-flagellation or flaying everyone but. Still, attitude check warranted either way, thanks.

Washington, D.C.: Question: New Year's resolution for me this year is to quit smoking -- not cigs, but weed. Sad to say, but I'm your age (not that that's bad) but have been smoking it since I was in high school. 20 years. I don't feel "addicted" to it like say, nicotine, it was more of a social thing for me that's gotten WAY out of being social. Maybe more along the lines of self-medicating, being bored, etc.

I'm going on two weeks and want to keep going. Any good resources on this? Weed is not a narcotic, so no NA for me. And I don't want to sit around a room hearing about coke, crystal, and heroin addicts talk about their problems, frankly. We're on different levels.

I just need reinforcement, not deliverance.

Thanks

Carolyn Hax: You caught me off guard on resources for this one, but I do want to challenge your notion that you're not "addicted." Maybe you aren't in a traditional, chemical-dependent sense, but most if not all addictions have an emotional component that you do seem to have. You've got all the reinforcement you could want here, I think it's great you've decided to deal with this--but please don't be so quick to rule out old-fashioned forms of help. If you're in no mood for a group hug, consider individual counseling with a therapist who specializes in addictions. (The psychiatric assoc. above can get you there, as can www.apa.org--Amer. Psychological Ass'n.) There's such a thing as Marijuana Anonymous, apparently, but doesn't sound like your thing.

Last suggestion, on a practical note--make sure you have some -rewarding- things to do lined up for the times you would otherwise have been smoking. Good luck.

Washington, D.C.: Did you watch "Bachelorette" earlier this week?

I loved the gender role reversal for this one.

Carolyn Hax: I love that I didn't watch "Bachelorette" earlier this week. And it wasn't a matter of principle, either. Just an overwhelming sense of having better things to do.

Virginia: Quick correction - I believe Carolyn would be 17.1, since the hand is measured in increments of 4 inches, the fourth inch being the next full number (e.g. 15.3, and then 16.0). Sorry, 13 years of horseback riding, couldn't let that one go.

Carolyn Hax: No no, I want to be right on this next time. Thanks.

New York, N.Y.: Partner of four years can't make it through one night without a drink. I'm not having an easy time lately dealing with it. Not ready to leave/not ready to commit the rest of my life to an alcoholic. Where do I go from here?

Carolyn Hax: Al-Anon.

A Fixer: Carolyn,

Thanks so much for the chats. My problem is: I am a fixer at heart and have a hard time not getting involved but need to know if not stepping in is the right thing in this case.

My sister is depressed, very depressed. She is on medication but only sees her therapist occasionally. She is going to break up with her boyfrined and move out of their apartment but has no job and nowhere to live. we live in the same city and I will, as I have in the past, let her stay with us (fiance and I). But she isn't returning my calls and I know, from past experience with her, that SOMETHING else is going on. She won't talk to me which has only ever happened when there is something going on she doesn't want to let on to. I have endless speculation as to what it is but that is all useless. I call and try to be casual and just let her know I am here for her but haven't heard back. My parents haven't either. I am so worried for her but don't know what to do. Is my sit back and wait tactic the right one?

Carolyn Hax: Don't want to be an alarmist, but, no, I'm not sure you can wait this one out. It does sound as if she has done this before without dire consequences, but still--is there any way you can get in touch with her BF just to make sure she's okay? That isn't fixing per se, just a little active hovering.

A friend in Alexandria, Va.: Love your writing! A question: when does the abuse you take in this forum outweigh the rewards of the job? I wonder how it can still be fun for you when people are so mean. And you do NOT look like a horse in the picture -- it's just not quite as cute as the one that runs above the chat. Still nice, though!

Please answer. Serious question!

Carolyn Hax: Thank you so much. Really. Serious answer? I don't know, because I haven't gotten to that point yet, far from it. Things do get to me sometimes--Lisa can attest to the fact that last week's questioning of my work ethic sent me into a full-day funk--but I also understand that the privilege of being able to speak my mind in a venue like this comes at a price. I also know that the way I choose to speak my mind makes me more of a target than I would be otherwise. Fair enough. Remember, I also choose to print the nastiness and I don't print straight compliments, which skews the record drastically against me. But I've found that airing these things and responding to them defangs them, and there's no need to defang a compliment.

Oh, and to the person who thinks I'm anti-mother--I had an awesome mom, so you don't need to tell me how good or important mothers can be. Thanks.

Pop psychology theories: Carolyn, as a member of an all-sister family, what's your take on the dynamic? Do you think there is a particular profile? I'm one too, and have been thinking and talking about this lately with my surprisingly large number of friends who come from all-sister family? Prompted by comments from my husband (who has mostly brothers) about some interesting (aka weird) aspects of interaction. We seem to have a large number of people-pleasing, non-confrontational perfectionists floating around.

Although if that were true in your family, I think you've overcome the people-pleasing, non-confrontational part.

Carolyn Hax: Actually, I think the pop-psych profile is dead-on. If I've gotten over it, the recovery is recent, hard-won and still incomplete. I have to make a conscious effort not to flinch when confronting/confronted.

For Weed Smoker: Best thing to kick this habit (which I did years ago) is the substitution principle. Whenever you would normally smoke, do something constructing instead. I started by walked around the block. I've now run four marathons on my healed lungs. Behold the power of change.

Carolyn Hax: Indeed. Impressive.

Another Horse Person: Carolyn, the first poster was right at 16.5 hands. You're 66 inches tall. 66/4= 16 with 2 left over, which equals 16-1/2 hands. All I can think of now is John Belushi in Animal House whinnying at Neidermyer.

Carolyn Hax: But if you have to have a thought on an endless loop in your head, that's a good one. Thanks.

Washington, D.C.: I'm feeling so overwhlmed right now. My husbnd is an active duty Marine on the brink of deployment, my current situation at work is crumbling, and my eating disorder (once under control) seems to be out-of-control -- AGAIN! I don't want to go on meds yet again, but I'm unsure of what to do? Any way to calm down and remind myself that everything will be OK? Deep down I know that it will but this limbo is really driving me insane.

Carolyn Hax: It will be okay, but think of how much more okay it will be if you stop resisting the urge to take care of yourself. Take care of yourself. Talk to a doctor, and if meds are what you and s/he agree you need, then go on meds. It's just not that awful a thing. It's not a failure on your part. Once you feel more stabilized, the job and husband things won't loom as large as they do now. I promise.

Comment for New Years Resolution: Go for it! I have been weed-free going on two years now. I never thought I would quit, didn't want to quite frankly because it wasn't effecting my "work life" or causing me any other problems. It was more of a habit breaker, breaking the times when you do it the most, after work instead of a drink, before going out, etc. You will see that after time, you won't even miss it, it will be a distant memory. Sure there are times when you wish you had it because it would be really great but you get over it.

Life is so much better not having to worry about getting it, getting in trouble and just enjoying life -- naturally!

Carolyn Hax: More good stuff, thanks.

Re: The New Year's resolution: I'd like to offer some advice (though no resources). This may mean you need to spend less time with your friends and develop new ones (unless everyone is with you). My boyfriend tried several times, unsucessfully, to quit or at least cut back. He was able to quit everything else, but not the pot. It was just such a social habit engrained in him that he could even get together with his buddies for a movie without it. A social crutch he called it. (Un)fortunatly, his solution was to move. He needed out of the town for a variety of reasons, but he moved up here and I still remember when he looked at me with a look of shock that he had been sober for a month straight, when the longest was about eight hours in the past six years. For the record, we started dating after the move but I have known him for 12 years.

Carolyn Hax: Ooh, absolutely right--the friends thing is huge. Some people can quit and keep the old crowd, but the old crowd has to be supportive. Thanks.

A fixer again: Her bf is out of the country right now and I want to hit myself as I can't remember the last names of her two friends she has been hanging out with. I don't know what else to do.

Carolyn Hax: Other than stop by unannounced, I guess there isn't much you can do. I know asking anyone not to worry in this situation is futile, but please do look at it this way: She is making her choices, and it's those choices that have left you powerless--ie, this isn't your fault. In fact, you aren't really a part of all this. Sometimes I think this is fate's way of telling fixers that they need to let go sometimes. Excruciating.

Marine wife: If you are near the base, there is an abundance of help for you there, usually in your husband's own command (wives support group, omsbudsman, etc.) Take advantage of it. Been there, done that.

Carolyn Hax: Thanks.

Fairfax, Va.: The girl who I am looking at as wife-and-mother-of-my-kids material told me that she’s worried that I’ll get bored with her because our backgrounds are so different. We’re madly in love (after four long months of whirlwind romance), but in the few moments that I manage to think of her with my brain rather than my heart, I wonder. My gut tells me that I could never get bored with her kind, warm, compassionate, considerate, modest, wonderful self, but I’m looking through those pesky rose-colored glasses, and can’t completely trust myself (having once made a terrible decision, ending in divorce, looking through similarly colored lenses).

She feels generally inadequate and insecure. I’ve lived abroad and traveled extensively, she’s from a small rural town. I’m multilingual and went to a “highly competitive” (coughcoughgag), i.e., expensive, college, she went to a small state school. I complete New York Times crossword puzzles (which she mistakenly sees as a sign of higher intelligence), and she feels her cooking doesn’t measure up to mine. I think we’re a great match, despite our differences, even sometimes because of our differences, and I don’t think I buy in to her worrying. I’ve tried to explain to her that I’m more interested in where she’s going than where’s been, and that the influences in her past that I’m most interested in are the ones that turned her into such a great woman.

But still, I wonder. How can I know? You’ll probably say four months isn’t long enough for me, for us, to be able to answer that question very completely. But we’re both in our mid-thirties, and both like to think that we know what we like when we see it, and it really has been quite an extraordinary four months.

What questions should I be asking myself at this point?

Carolyn Hax: Whether you can stand to wait till the whirlwind dies down. Really. It's not the age, it's the chemicals, and you're swimming in them right now. Not the best conditions for decisionmaking.

Her insecurity, for example, could reeally start to grate. I mean, maybe you are smarter and cook better--that's not a problem. The problem is that she -cares-, still, at her age. Shouldn't she have some sense of herself by now? How long before you get tired of being both her husband and her self-esteem?

East Tennessee: My boyfriend likes to talk about himself, a lot and mostly about work. He often realizes he's going on and on, and will ask me if he's boring me, which, honestly, he often is. I think he's asking to be considerate, which I appreciate. I usually say "no, I'm just being quiet because I'm listening" because I know how important his work is to him. But, would it be rude to answer the question honestly? Is it not more rude on his behalf to dominate the conversation? Is there another solution, because I'm starting to dread any conversation that starts out "Today at work..." Thanks!

Carolyn Hax: He's opening the door! Agh! And seeing a doormat. You should absolutely say that, while you like to know what's going on with him at work, you would like more give-and-take. Or even better, is there any reason you can't weigh in during the monologue and make it a conversation? Just because it's about his work doesn't mean you can't, say, question the ethics of something or the intentions of someone or simply express an opinion.

Or, you need to date someone you click better with conversationally. Amazing how people will chatter happily with same-sex friends, but accept awkward silence or boredom from a mate without questioning it.

Denver, Colo.: First of all, congratulations! (I'm a little behind).

Question: I had a falling out with what had been a really good friend about two years ago. Since, I've felt very bad about my part in the falling out and have wanted to apologize but didn't know how to approach her. She lives across the country. Do you think the best way to contact her is a phone call or a letter? In my highest hopes, we would become friends again, but at least I want her to know I'm sorry and I've been thinking about her a lot.

And thanks for your years of wading through and thinking about us, your readers!

Carolyn Hax: Thanks! I vote letter. Allows her to react in her own way on her own time, vs on the spot.

For Fairfax: DO NOT MARRY HER. I was in a similar relationship once with a guy who thought I was so much more wonderful than he was. I wasn't, but after a while, his attitude really started to grate. In time, I found it difficult to look at him without a certain degree of contempt - not for whether or not he had gone to an Ivy or had a fabulous job, but for the way he devalued himself rather than getting out there and doing things that made him feel good about himself.

It wasn't pretty. Make sure that she's not like this guy.

Carolyn Hax: Well said, thanks.

Alexandria, Va.: Why are you still answering questions? Is this a new time frame?

washingtonpost.com: Don't answer questions fast enough, get complained at. Answer questions long past scheduled time, get complained at. Can everyone get together on just what they want to criticize? -- Lisa.

Carolyn Hax: While you guys figure it out, I'm going to go have lunch.

Happy weekend, everybody. Type to you next Friday.

washingtonpost.com:

That wraps up today's show. Thanks to everyone who joined the discussion.

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