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Tell Me About It
Hosted by Carolyn
Hax
Washington Post Staff Writer
Monday, Jan. 14, 2002; 3 p.m. EST
Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.
Appearing every Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ® offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 30-something repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that’s about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.
The transcript follows.
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Seattle, Wash.:
Hi Carolyn and Lisa. For the past year, I have watched one of my best friends since high school slowly turn into an unhappy, needy drama queen. "Meg" has always had the tendency to be a little selfish, but she worked to keep it in check. Lately, Meg seems to ignore the big picture by creating drama after drama. Perfect example: She called me earlier last week from her vacation in Europe. Instead of hearing about the sites, I got a 10-minute recap of her escapades with a man she met at her hotel who sounded like such a loser. The story was beyong juvenile and I spoke less than three words the entire conversation. Finally, I burst out with, "I DON'T CARE ABOUT THIS GUY! I want to hear about Europe!" She got off the phone in a huff. Seriously, I am at a loss. I am at the end of my rope. She's almost 28, not 17. Things are strained and I worry that if I say anything, it may be the end of friendship for good. Any advice?
Carolyn Hax: Why can't it just be that you have watched one of your best friends from high school slowly turn into who she really is? And that you don't really have much in common? To her mind, I bet she -was- telling you about Europe. Her way of seeing it, not yours. Either enjoy her for her otherness, or accept that you're not really friends.
Stafford, Va.:
Hi Carolyn, longtime reader, firsttime poster. Got a good one for you. Early in the relationship my girlfriend found much humor in one of her friends' obsession with her biological clock and we both thought it quite irrational that her friend felt she needed to get married by the time she turned 30. Well, despite all this, my girlfriend has now admitted that she's on a schedule and wants to be married by the time she's 30 (she's 28 now). Needless to say I was quite surprised. I've been happy with the relationship so far, letting things unfold as they may and don't want the pressure of being on some imaginary schedule. Should I be afraid? Love your show babe.
Carolyn Hax: Be afraid, be very afraid. Do you want to be her husband, her one and only, her companion from 30 to 50 to 80, as much her right arm as she is your left--or the chair closest to her when the music stopped? Either she's got the same brain-dead outlook on life as her friend, or she's hiding behind it to spare herself the intimacy and humility blast she'd need to withstand to kneel down and ask for your hand.
I've spent 4.5 years trying to find new ways to tell people to grow up and admit what it is they really want, so if you can come up with your own to use on her, I'd appreciate it. Good luck.
Worried in Northern Virginia:
Carolyn, I was speaking to a friend a few days ago and she made a comment about wanting to kill her children. While I really think this was an attempt to get a reaction from me (which I did not give her) I am concerned about the welfare of the children. I have been trying to cut ties with this friend as she is always very needy and depressing, but am unsure if I need to bring in the authorities or not. Your advice is welcome.
Carolyn Hax: Good lord, how does anyone sleep at night any more.
PLEASE make some calls to see if you can get a psychiatrist to give you a few minutes--www.psych.org has the numbers for area psychiatric associations--and describe what this woman said and some of her other behavior. You can also try a child-abuse hotline, such as Childhelp USA's--1-800-4-a-child. This way you can go into more detail with someone trained to recognize warning signals and then discuss any potential next steps, vs. just calling the cops. Pls check in again.
Brat Alert:
Hi Carolyn. I e-mailed you last Monday at the last minute so I’m hoping you get a chance to respond to my query this week. I’m having my first baby this summer and my baby showers are being held this spring. One of my best friends, who lives out of town, had mentioned during her last visit that she would like to come to one of them and bring her young daughter. Wonderful! She also has a toddler age boy who is hell on wheels (I really think he has some kind of emotional/physical development thing going on). He intentionally destroys things at my house, screams 24/7 just to hear himself and does not mind his parents at all (when they even attempt to discipline him). Of course, I know most of this, if not all, is not his fault but I cannot bring myself to even smile at the kid. Anyway, the last time my friend and I talked she mentioned that maybe her whole family can drive down -- and they’d be expecting to stay with us (my husband also is friends with the parents but after the last visit, told me he doesn’t want them to stay with us anymore because of the son). I want her to be part of this and to feel welcome at my shower but I can’t handle her whole family staying with me. How can I say that without hurting her feelings? (Her feelings would definitely be hurt if I said anything about her son -- she’s never said one negative thing about the way he acts and she would tell me if she thought it.) Please help.
Carolyn Hax: Tell her you want her to be part of this and feel welcome at your shower, but you can't handle her whole family staying with you. Limits aren't terrible things.
Washington, D.C.:
Carolyn,
Here is a question/observation for you and the peanuts. I'm in my late 20s. Most of my friends are in late 20s and early 30s. Some of us are involved and some of us are single. What I'm noticing increasingly is women in my group are coming to the conclusion that if they are not in a stable relationship by a certain point in their 30s they are going to have children on their own. I applaud this as I feel it eases the dating situation. My friends (and I) for that fact are much more comfortable our relationships because we don't feel like we have to compromise just to get children. I feel very much the same way. However, on the flip side, I firmly feel that raising a kid is a two-person job and that undertaking single parenthood is not always the best thing.
Thoughts?
Carolyn Hax: Single parenthood is not always the best thing, no. But couples aren't always good parents, or good couples, for that matter, and there's so much less hand-wringing over those. So, since you asked ...
What I'd really like to see is not some under-considered return to mid-20th-century American nuclearfamilyitis, since the results of that are in and it's a wave of housewives going slowly mad and stressed-out gray-flannel manly men and a 50-percent divorce rate and a lot of unhappy kids. And not a free-for-all family life, either, since we've all seen how ugly that gets.
What I'm talking about is an approach to family that is rooted in some self awareness. Eg, a couple who'd rather trade stock than be around kids should feel comfortable saying, "Mom, we're not having kids" without taking ten years of s**t. A guy who is great with kids should be able to stay home and raise them without being called "Mr. Mom." A single woman who has the means and the social root system and the time should feel comfortable bringing a child into that. And etc. Those are my thoughts, incomplete, i'm sure, but i'm taking too long.
Camden, N.J.:
Hi Carolyn,
I am well beyond 30-something, having been married over 20 years. My relationship with my wife is great, other than in the bedroom. We rarely get together sexually. I try to initiate many times, but I am often rejected. In the past three years, we have made love less than six times in a year. We have the normal of pressures of making ends meet, two teenagers, some health problems, etc. But it would seem that just sleeping together would cause more contact than that. I don't think that she is cheating and neither am I.
Lost in Camden
Carolyn Hax: Conversation is killer foreplay. If you haven't tried that yet, it's time. If you have but only once, try again. Maybe it's just easier for her to say no, 20 years and all, and she doesn't realize how lonely you're feeling ... maybe she hasn't enjoyed it and talking about it could fix that ... maybe she's exhausted and overburdened and angry at you for not shouldering more of that burden and SO not inclined to be amorous ... could be all kinds of things, but whatever it is, you'll never know it or fix it without talking about it. And since talking about it is so tough for so many people, you might really have to work at it.
Follow-up on Stafford:
So why is the knee-jerk reaction that someone is immature because they'd like to be married? She didn't say that she'd like to be married to anyone, just anyone, for the love of GOD, NOW, NOW, NOW! I know that you can't plan for anything, but it's a little unrealistic to expect people not to hope for anything. Why should he be afraid of his girlfriend, unless he has a knee-jerk fear of marriage itself? Just as immature, IMHO.
Carolyn Hax: Nice bit of editing there. I welcome criticism, but it's only constructive when it's of what's actually said and not what you want it to say or choose to read into it. The issue was, she wanted to be married -by 30.- To which my answer remains, grow the bleep up.
20016:
I had to have breast surgery recently to remove a lump that we all knew going in wasn't cancerous. So that whole fear of death and awful sickness thing was never an issue. Which means I'm rather surprised at how depressed I've become. I knew the surgery was going to leave a prominent scar, but according to the doctor it's going to be much worse than he thought. On top of that, some complications have ensued, the infection the surgery was meant to clean out hasn't gone away and may have even spread, and now I may need to have my breast mangled again. Any tops cut deeper than a regular t-shirt are now out, apparently for the rest of my life. I've never exactly set the male half of the population on fire, and that certainly hasn't improved with age, and now I feel like the one physical asset I've had has betrayed me. Can you say anything to cheer me up? As selfish and narcisistic as it sounds, I've even been thinking that if I had had a mastectomy, I'd at least be able to have the whole thing reconstructed so I could look relatively normal again.
Carolyn Hax: Whoo, wait a minute--you didn't have your breast "mangled," you had surgery that left a scar. That's a bummer, but, I look down at my skin and I look around me at others, and I see freckles (sun damage), stretch marks (weight-gain damage), scars (miscellaneous damage), a couple of big hairy moles. Having something marring your skin IS "relatively normal." Where did I see this, someone saying that a scar was just a tattoo with a better story ... anyway, point is, you don't get your value by adding up your (so-called) assets and then subtracting your (so-called) flaws. There's no way you can account for the subtleties that way, like being tough or interesting or vulnerable or offbeat, which to my mind is all the good stuff. Ease up on yourself.
Parents and money:
Dear Carolyn,
I feel like my mom is always trying to get money out of me. She's been on a tight budget since our father died, and I know it's hard on her (but I'm sick of listening to her whine about how she's lost her position in society) -- and I'm also really annoyed with her coming to me (she doesn't do this to my sister) and telling me, "Oh, you owe me some money for this gift I got our friend" (when I wasn't asked or when I had paid for it) and "I thought you and you sister were going to give me some money for a gift but I never got yours."
I don't want life to be hard for her, and I don't mind giving her money when I've got some extra to get herself a nice gift -- but I hate when I feel like she's trying to extort it! Any input?
Carolyn Hax: Have you said this to her? If you have and it has gotten nowhere, have you told her the answer is "no" from now on for things like unannounced gifts? If someone is going to be irrational and whiny it's not in your power to stop it, but it is in your power to make sure that her tactics won't ever work. You can still give her money, just do it on your own terms--say, a small, fixed amount every month.
Missouri:
So having goals that are attached to age is not mature? Or is it just that it's an artificial measure of her worth? As in, if I'm not married by the time I'm 30 I'm a failure.
Carolyn Hax: The whole -thing- is artificial. If she wants to marry this guy, she should PROPOSE TO THIS GUY. I'm getting really discouraged about this, I have to say. As if it's acceptable for mating to be treated as a deadline assignment.
For the woman with breast surgery:
I have a big scar on my arm -- not hideous or anything, but not particularly attractive, and I avoided wearing short sleeves until I decided that it could actually be an asset. I like to pretend I got it in a knife fight in Tijuana (I don't tell people that or anything -- this is just for me), and it makes me feel kinda tough, in a fun way. Boy, this sounds stupid. But still, maybe something for your reader to try. Especially because her scar -is- a sign that she's tough. She's not blemished or mangled -- she's a badass, and they should see the other guy.
Just an idea.
Carolyn Hax: I like it, thanks.
Also, someone else suggested she look into creams that might make the scarring less visible, so a trip to the dermatologist would make sense.
Parents and money again:
I have talked to my mom about this issue. She always says, "Oh, I didn't think you'd mind because it's your friend, too" or has some other excuse. I also think she's feeling some pressure because I'm moving out of the house shortly and won't be giving her rent any more. For what it's worth, my uncle already warned me that mom would probably get a little freaky when I did finally move (he thinks I've been enabling her). But he also pointed out that it's her choice to maintain a house that's waaaay out of her price range and suggested that I move to maintain my sanity and let her deal with her choices.
Carolyn Hax: Sounds as if your uncle is onto something, particulary with the enabling. If you don't want the backhanded shakedowns, you have to say no. there's no shortcut around it.
For Worried in Northern Virginia:
Carolyn --
Worried can also call the local Child Protective Services division, which is not the same as calling the cops.
I have done this, and the CPS folks are qualified to evaluate the situation, and do not automatically run out and remove children from the home. They review the information and make a determination about what course of action to take.
(Just FYI -- I've done it in my official capacity as a family mediator. If someone mentions child abuse during a mediation, I am required by law to report it.)
Carolyn Hax: Great, thank you.
Confusion, USA:
Dear Carolyn,
I have been married for four and a half years. My marriage is not doing well. Looking back I see that I let my emotions rule my decision to marry rather than my head. My husband and I get along fine but there is no passion and our sex life is terrible. Our communication isn't great either. He is extremely laid back and holds everything inside (I find it hard to believe that nothing I do bothers him but that is what he says when I ask). He tells me what he thinks I want to hear instead of the truth. Anyway, I don't know what to do. How do I decide if the things that are wrong are fixable or not? I hate to think about divorce but at this point, I don't think I want to start a family in this relationship?
How do you decide to stay or bail?
Thanks so much!
Carolyn Hax: Start with the communication, through counseling if you have to. That's the problem underlying all the other stuff. If you can learn to talk to each other, you can learn to share yourselves with each other, and you will care more, and you will feel more sparky, and you will weather bad spells much better. There's no substitute in a marriage--or in any relationship, it's a mistake to segregate one kind from another--for the sense that there is an honest, intuitive connection between you.
That is an emotional thing, by the way--though its absence is easy to miss if it's drowned out by surface things.
Reston, Va.:
I vote that Friday should be a fluffy shoe day. The bitterness is becoming a bit overwhelming.
Carolyn Hax: It's not bitterness, it's disgust. Big difference!
Stafford, Va.:
Carolyn, it's Stafford here. I just want to note that I am not afraid of marriage, but totally agree that this is not simply a case of setting goals. The impression she gave me was that she was letting me know that she expected to be married by the time she was 30 and if that wasn't in my plans perhaps I should give her her freedom to find someone who would help her fulfil that goal. I interpreted it as a veiled ultimatum, but I wanted a second opinion Thanks.
Carolyn Hax: Tis a very thin veil indeed. (And pls don't feel the need to defend yourself against the then-you-must-be-afraid-of-marriage charges. I'd rather that whole stereotype not be dignified with a response.)
The boobie lady again:
Thanks for all the input. I know part of the problem is that I've been low-grade sick with this thing for two months now and that's wearing me down. And I'm just plain getting older and that takes some adjustment. And it's winter. And I haven't had a date in years so I'm feeling down on myself. And, and, and.... Obviously, there's no real excuse for feeling this way. I can say it was a shark bite. And maybe I can use it as an excuse for the breast lift I couldn't really justify otherwise.
Carolyn Hax: Wait, no, a much cheaper option--REALLY nice lingerie. Pack some major kink under your clothing. Almost as good as having a shark-bite story.
And you're probably right about being worn down. Emotional wells do run dry. Hang in there.
Age-related goals:
Carolyn,
I think you have a point about the age-related stuff, but I don't think you give enough weight to the stupid gender-related hangups that people have. I proposed to my husband after five years of dating (once we were through with college and most of grad school), but despite the fact that we were clearly together for the long term, he turned me down. Then he turns around and insists he doesn't want to break up, and proposes himself a year later. So, asking doesn't always solve the problem.
Carolyn Hax: Actually, it does when the problem is the (in)ability to articulate what you want. The ultimatum/goal is passive, the proposal is active, and THAT's what I'm talking about. Not about the result. Thanks for weighing in.
Gotta run, late late late. Thanks and type to you Friday.
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